Need advice: Struggling with fantasy of seeing my wife with someone else

[tina41222009]

I’ve been struggling with something in my marriage and would love some perspective.

My wife and I are in our late 30s from India, and while our relationship is strong, I sometimes feel I’m not fully able to satisfy her in bed the way I’d like to. Lately, I’ve been having strong urges and fantasies about seeing her with another man — not in a purely voyeuristic way, but more from the desire to see her truly pleasured and enjoying herself.

I haven’t shared this openly with her yet, but in small ways I’ve tried to boost her confidence and get her more comfortable expressing her sensual side (asking her to dress sexily, encouraging us to go out more, etc.). In the past, there was a situation at a wedding where I noticed she could be open to attention, though it never went further. It was at my Brother-in-law's wedding where his Boss was showing a lot in intrest in her and i noticed that. So, I sidelined myself to see where things go. She was very cautious with how she behaves althought she did started liking him. I felt a weird kink grow inside me and started imagining him and her in intimate poses. Though, it stayed limited to a little soft flirting, some dancing together in cocktail party and some soft groping/hugging while dancing. One thing which I realised was that she too wants attention and intimacy and also wants attention. I do think that with right amount of push and a nice third, she might just go ahead with my fantacy.

What I really want is for this to feel organic and genuine — not something I’m forcing or pushing her into, but something she would actually want if the right opportunity and attraction were there. I’m nervous about how to even bring this up without making her feel pressured..

So my questions are:

Am I doing the right thing by working behind the scens and making things happen?

Also, should i work with the third and execute a plan without her knowledge and see if she takes the bait?

Are there safe communities or apps where people explore this kind of lifestyle (if it ever got to that point)?

Any advice from people who have been through something similar — or just general wisdom — would be really appreciated.

[deffle]

Instead of planning and devising scenarios, just talk to her. If it eventually happens you'll need to be able to have those discussions anyway.

Next date night tell her the boss at the.wedding scenario made you hot, and you're open to her being woth other men.

If she doesn't respond or take you up on it right away, the seed will have been planted.

[BrunetteLover]

NO

NO

Don't know, never needed.

Stay away from bosses. It may have planted a seed, but move on. Place her in situations in which men are coming on to her. Don't do anything too serious until SHE verbalizes something like: 'That (dancing intimately with a stranger) was fun, I would like to do that again soon.'

Then you take it from there.

[LongTermHubby]

I would have found it difficult to actually see my wife with another man. We agreed she could explore extra-marital relations while she was away on a business trip and then tell me about it upon her return.

[MartasBoy]

I’ve been struggling with something in...... Lately, I’ve been having strong urges and fantasies about seeing her with another man — not in a purely voyeuristic way, but more from the desire to see her truly pleasured and enjoying herself.....

So my questions are:

Am I doing the right thing by working behind the scens and making things happen?

Also, should i work with the third and execute a plan without her knowledge and see if she takes the bait?

Are there safe communities or apps where people explore this kind of lifestyle (if it ever got to that point)?

Any advice from people who have been through something similar — or just general wisdom — would be really appreciated.

Be careful about working behind the scenes and doing something devious. I have encouraged a couple of women to move toward hot wife type activity before, with one major girlfriend I saw for over a year, and later with my wife. But I was careful not to do anything devious, so they felt tricked.

In both cases, I told them how beautiful they are, and confessed that it turns me on a little when I catch other men checking them out and admiring their beauty. The girlfriend had been heavy in her youth, but had lost a lot of weight and started working out, doing a lot of aerobics, by the time I met her. She was a very beautiful, tall, brunette, with big brown eyes, and now a very shapely fit and athletic body. But she still had this image of herself as the former heavy girl that she used to be.

With my wife, she had gotten a little older, and was convinced that she was beyond her cute and sexy days. I told my wife often, that she still "had it", and was plenty beautiful, sexy and hot.

With both women, whenever we were out together, I would point out the other men in the bar or restaurant, who checked her out when she went to the ladies room.
In both the case of the girlfriend, and my wife, I would challenge them to take a walk back toward the ladies room, and make eye contact, and smile at the men I had observed checking them out. The men would always respond very favorably to them making eye contact, and giving them a little smile.

Since my girlfriend believed she was not attractive, and my wife believed that she had gotten older, they didn't even notice that guys were checking them out. But when I pointed it out, and they would take another walk back toward the ladies room, they would notice these guys respond very favorably to their eye contact and smiles.

The one slightly devious thing I would do, is ask them to meet me at some upscale cocktail lounge for drinks after work. I would ask them to meet me at the bar, and I would deliberately be late. But I wouldn't actually have arrived early and hidden in a far corner at a distant table, hiding behind some plant or something.

I would deliberately leave them at the bar for 10 or 15 minutes, and watch the men who approached them, offering to buy them a drink, and trying to talk with them. I would watch them flirt and enjoy the attention.

Both the girlfriend, and later my wife, admitted that they sort of liked the attention in the flirtation, and the reassurance that they were attractive and desirable.

In preparation for my wife to become a hot wife, I asked her to make it a fantasy first. I would have her sit at the bar while I watched her from a distance. I told her to tell any guy who approached her, that she was there to meet a girlfriend for a drink but had just gotten the message that her girlfriend couldn't make it and had canceled. Now she was just sitting there to finish her drink. I suggested that she should accept drinks from guys, and visit with them, if she found them at all attractive.

Later, when we got home, I would ask her which guys she found attractive. I would ask her to pick one of the guys that she could fantasize about going up to a hotel room and doing something with.

We would both masturbate as I would ask her what she would imagine her time in the hotel room would be like with that man. One benefit of this fantasy play, is that it helped her confess some new fantasies of hers, that she had never told me about previously.

She would say something like, well, "I imagine that he would do X Y and Z to me." Later, after we had both masturbated, we would process the fantasy a little. I would ask her if those things she had mentioned (x y and z) was something she is really interested in. That fantasy roleplay helped her tell me of some new things that she had maybe felt embarrassed to tell me about previously.
I made sure to try those things, the next time we had sex.

We often play the game, when we go out somewhere, to ask her what guys in the bar or restaurant does she find attractive or interesting, and would flirt with at the bar, if she had the chance. She also likes asking me which women in the place I would fantasize about flirting with, or hooking up with.

[zorro]

Am I doing the right thing by working behind the scens and making things happen?

At risk of being redundant, you are NOT doing the right thing were you to work behind the scenes and make things happen. If you did, your wife would notice your silence and wonder why you did not work with her instead of trick her. And you need to do some self-examination to better understand why you aren't talking openly with your wife. Is it fear of her reaction? Is it shame? Why having to go around her back instead of just talking with her?

Also, should i work with the third and execute a plan without her knowledge and see if she takes the bait?

Absolutely not! She would see this as your setting up a test to see if she is faithful to you. The resentment predictably would be sky high.

Are there safe communities or apps where people explore this kind of lifestyle (if it ever got to that point)?

I think so. We have most successfully used SLS, SwingLifeStyle. Although it is old and kinda clunky, most of the people on there are good folks. Plenty of HW couples have posted their desire for an extra guy (including us). Or perhaps you have the urge to do some swinging. You need to clarify each of your wishes before you start casting a net into the water. I suggest starting with what your wife wants to do. You WILL be asked if you are sharing her so you can get some new pussy. You would do well to tell her whatever the truth is.

Any advice from people who have been through something similar — or just general wisdom — would be really appreciated.

Yes, Communicate, communicate, communicate. Getting another cock in your wife's pussy is not as important as both of you becoming genuinely open and respectful of each others' intimate desires and working together to fulfill them.

[Bull4Oldrwives]

Agree with Zorro on communicate, communicate, communicate. Of course the idea excites you as there is nothing so exciting, passionate, and pleasurable as the relationship between a wife and her lover. But to get there is a journey that requires communication, patience, honesty and love, but it is a journey that can bring you incredible experiences. Possibly, you and her will decide that bringing another man into your marriage on a long term basis is the path for you but every couple has to find their own path in the lifestyle but it is a path that will be paved with communication, communication, and communication. Good luck!

[brutay2]

I’ve been struggling with something in my marriage and would love some perspective.

My wife and I are in our late 30s from India, and while our relationship is strong, I sometimes feel I’m not fully able to satisfy her in bed the way I’d like to. Lately, I’ve been having strong urges and fantasies about seeing her with another man — not in a purely voyeuristic way, but more from the desire to see her truly pleasured and enjoying herself.

I haven’t shared this openly with her yet, but in small ways I’ve tried to boost her confidence and get her more comfortable expressing her sensual side (asking her to dress sexily, encouraging us to go out more, etc.). In the past, there was a situation at a wedding where I noticed she could be open to attention, though it never went further. It was at my Brother-in-law's wedding where his Boss was showing a lot in intrest in her and i noticed that. So, I sidelined myself to see where things go. She was very cautious with how she behaves althought she did started liking him. I felt a weird kink grow inside me and started imagining him and her in intimate poses. Though, it stayed limited to a little soft flirting, some dancing together in cocktail party and some soft groping/hugging while dancing. One thing which I realised was that she too wants attention and intimacy and also wants attention. I do think that with right amount of push and a nice third, she might just go ahead with my fantacy.

What I really want is for this to feel organic and genuine — not something I’m forcing or pushing her into, but something she would actually want if the right opportunity and attraction were there. I’m nervous about how to even bring this up without making her feel pressured..

So my questions are:

Am I doing the right thing by working behind the scens and making things happen?

Also, should i work with the third and execute a plan without her knowledge and see if she takes the bait?

Are there safe communities or apps where people explore this kind of lifestyle (if it ever got to that point)?

Any advice from people who have been through something similar — or just general wisdom — would be really appreciated.

Simply plant the seed. try to go out to night clubs where there is dancing, allow other men to ask her to dance and be very supportive of her dancing, and try to become friends with the person she seems to like the most on the dance floor, invite him to sit at your table and share drinks.
Stop there , don't push the issue. if you notice some positive reactions from her, invite him to meet you two the next time you visit the club again and look for him to join you. Let the feeling of her being intimate dancing with another man become routine. Allow her to take the lead and she will surprise you with how far her mind has been working on the same issue.

[ferrisandrews]

I'm not sure you have the right state of mind yet, so I wouldn't reveal anything just yet. You have some work to do on yourself.

Yes, making things happen without her knowledge and just generally avoiding the topic is deceiving, but even more importantly, it's avoidance. If you're not ready to admit to everyone (and yourself) about how you feel when you imagine your wife doing these things, you're not ready to explain it to her. She won't understand it anyway and you may phrase it in such a way that you're trying to be a philanthropist, just taking her needs into account, instead of a husband trying to scratch an intense fetish or kink itch. Just the way you wrote your message is a roundabout way to avoid explaining how these thoughts and fantasies make you feel.

I sometimes feel I’m not fully able to satisfy her in bed the way I’d like to

Are you trying to find her a bull because you truly feel as though you're not satisfying her? Or does the thought of not being able to satisfy her bring you pleasure? I suspect it's much more of the latter. This feels a little less honest and more deflective. Compersion, while valid, tends to head down this direction. It's a clever manipulation, as in ... "Look how much I care about you and your pleasure! You should really try this because I want you to be happy and be pleasured in a way you deserve." It can almost make her out to be the bad person if she refuses. Yes, you can feel genuine happiness for her when she's getting what she needs, but this may be avoiding the embarrassing underbelly that drives your motivation for wanting to do this in the first place. She needs to hear and understand how this fantasy affects you and why, so she can better understand how she may help. Focus on yourself and be honest with her about how things make you feel. If you're not a little uncomfortable and definitely embarrassed, you're probably not being vulnerable. If she feels pressured into doing something, you're probably asking more from her than you should be at this stage.

I haven’t shared this openly with her yet, but in small ways I’ve tried to boost her confidence and get her more comfortable expressing her sensual side (asking her to dress sexily, encouraging us to go out more, etc.).

Regardless of your true motivations, I think this is a good idea, I'd keep doing that. You might also add how it makes you feel to see other men showing her attention. If she's curious as to why, she'll ask more questions. Be honest with her, even if (and especially when) it's embarrassing.

What I really want is for this to feel organic and genuine — not something I’m forcing or pushing her into, but something she would actually want if the right opportunity and attraction were there. I’m nervous about how to even bring this up without making her feel pressured..

If you don't want her to feel pressured, don't ask anything of her. Similar to my original point, you need to be prepared to shine the spotlight on you, not her. The way you present this idea to her and make it seem more organic is by expressing casually how much some of these thoughts turn you on. Don't bring the topic up out of the blue, just wait for her to do something (or something to happen) that turns you on and share it with her. Keep it light, keep it fun. You stay with her in your exploration, even though you may have already read a ton about this lifestyle and are much more clear about what it is and how it works. Your partners, so stay with her mentally, explore together vs. trying to pull her in a direction. You know her better than most, so customize and craft any conversation you have around what she will receive with less pressure and more fun. Stress increases cortisol and that inhibits arousal, so don't stress her out about it. You can do that in many ways, but one way that tends to work for most is by keeping the spotlight on you, how hot things are to you, what things turn you on, etc. Don't ask her to make decisions because this is, after all, your fantasy. Perhaps in time and with some effort, it can become hers too.