Likes & Dislikes

[Parsifal]

This is a trail-blazing community. Our lifestyle is unconventional and so the words we use to describe what's going on is unavoidably a work in progress. Truth is approached more closely by creating a vocabulary to describe reality than by deducing reality from the existing lexicon.

[coastalkid]

HWC this is your thread does it bother you if we go off on tangents as long as it still involves likes and dislikes?

[troilusand]

I've commented before on the far greater tendency of compersive feelings in men - of men wanting to share their women - than the reciprocal phenonenon of women wanting to share their men with other women. Greg's take on the evolutionary origin of women being less capable of compersion than men is one I've pondered as well, but also the flip side of the equation, what survival function is advanced by male compersion? Several studies along entirely different vectors all corroborate this conclusion, perhaps the most convincing of which (for me) examine coming-of-age rituals among isolated peoples in the Amazon jungle. Think of tribal life in which men share women and likewise share paternal allegiances and responsibilities. No one cares who the father really is because ignorance of actual paternity fosters a tribal identity. All men are equally the fathers in every sense of the children of the group, and so all fighting age men are their defenders. When the young girl reaches maturity, she is therefore deflowered by the group. Herein, so the theory holds, lies the communal male bonding associated with consummation of female sexual needs.

(Edit - I wrote a novel and posted it but upon quick review it really wasn't well written/thought out) So here's a redo.

I'll preface - This isn't so much a response you to Parsifal, it simply got my brain going and I had to write. LOL.

Likes/Dislikes - This whole "compersion" phenomena that has become a buzzword in the last decade for this lifestyle... as a driving force in the kink.... meh, I don't buy it, and it sure isn't sexy (to me).

The concept is realish, but two parts about it bother me.

Let's preface this with a generally accepted definition used in this "lifestyle/kink": the feeling of joy, happiness, or pleasure experienced when a loved one, like a partner, finds happiness with someone else.

1). I will argue that this definition is a "lie through omission". It's MUCH more tawdry than that definition. It's about getting off to it. I find joy and happiness when my friends and family (think kids, cousins, the divorced aunt) find romantic partners. But I don't get off to it. The definition sounds so nice and sweet. Awe. You love your partner. Suck is dick, honey, I only want to see you happy. I call bullshit.

2) I will argue all day long that compersion is not the "spice" in this. It doesn't get your dick hard. But it sounds WAY more respectable than the truth - seeing your partner have a romantic/sexual relationship turns you on sexually.

There was a VERY popular thread/story. I HATED it. Started well enough. Older man, second wife, wants her to get a boyfriend. Then the tropes. Wife tells friend. Friend knows somebody that would be perfect. First Date. Within, like, six months they were going to have a cuckold ceremony, all friends invited.

All those parts I didn't mind so much (outside of the believable bus driving off the cliff with the ceremony news), but what was VERY annoying was there was no sex. None. No bedroom talk. It was one long compersion story. The writer didn't seem to want to even discuss his sexual feelings on any level. LAME.

So I'm killing two birds with one stone. 1. I think compersion is oversold. 2) As a Like/Dislike, I'd MUCH rather read about being turned on, and why the writer is turned on (and in this kink, there usually is consternation involved)

Dreamy, I'm more like you. "I" broached the topic of my wife sleeping around FOR MY PLEASURE, not hers! She gladly took me up on it (eventually) FOR HER PLEASURE!

And I think, to my mind, that's the difference between the hotwife LS and the cuckold LS. Hotwifing can be about compersion and shared enjoyment of a wife's extramarital activities. But, to me, cuckolding is a more selfish LS for both husband and wife.

For instance, I absolutely LOVED when Cressida was in love with another man because of the way it made ME feel...and a little bit for what she felt. Nowadays, she is completely happy NOT being in love with another man. That happiness of hers does not make me happy. And of course, I am very happy when Cress is happy generally, but the way I feel about our sexlife is all about me...as it was for her.

To repeat: I got into cuckolding FOR ME! She got into it FOR HER. It worked because both of us used the same means for our selfish pleasure. And that's why I read the cuck forum, fetish forum, and poly forum MUCH more than the HW forum...and I've never even opened the stag/vixen forum. The former are nastier and the latter are almost too vanilla for me. And yes, I'm VERY perverted.

Troy

[Greg_N_Shelley]

Dreamy, I'm more like you. "I" broached the topic of my wife sleeping around FOR MY PLEASURE, not hers! She gladly took me up on it (eventually) FOR HER PLEASURE!

And I think, to my mind, that's the difference between the hotwife LS and the cuckold LS. Hotwifing can be about compersion and shared enjoyment of a wife's extramarital activities. But, to me, cuckolding is a more selfish LS for both husband and wife.

For instance, I absolutely LOVED when Cressida was in love with another man because of the way it made ME feel...and a little bit for what she felt. Nowadays, she is completely happy NOT being in love with another man. That happiness of hers does not make me happy. And of course, I am very happy when Cress is happy generally, but the way I feel about our sexlife is all about me...as it was for her.

To repeat: I got into cuckolding FOR ME! She got into it FOR HER. It worked because both of us used the same means for our selfish pleasure. And that's why I read the cuck forum, fetish forum, and poly forum MUCH more than the HW forum...and I've never even opened the stag/vixen forum. The former are nastier and the latter are almost too vanilla for me. And yes, I'm VERY perverted.

Troy

I appreciate your honesty in describing the transactional (or mutually selfish) take on your situation. And I propose, at some level, we’re not that much different.

I also brought up the idea to my wife because it turned me on. Not because I selflessly thought she would enjoy other guys more. I just wanted to see her ‘break out of the box’ sexually, and mostly because I found it exciting (selfish want) after she flirted with a guy beforehand. She agreed, and we were lucky that some of the early guys we found were quite gifted in skills. And as you stated regarding your wife, she agreed again because it was about her pleasure (selfish). If she didn’t enjoy those early experiences, she probably would have shut the idea down (selfish). And I would have also if I didn’t find it pleasurable (selfish).

I don’t see a major difference between us with regard to "selfishness" as part of motive.

It seems the real divergence point in these discussions is the root of our pleasure.

If it’s primarily angst, fear, humiliation, abandonment-anxiety, or excitement flirting with abandonment risk, that seems to be a clear foundation. If it’s mostly a sense of joy (and corresponding erotic excitement) from her pleasure, then that seems to be a different foundation.

Obviously this stuff is nuanced, and many of us are accelerated by multiple aspects of this dynamic, but there does seem to be a difference at the base of the pyramid.

[parklife]

Obviously this stuff is nuanced, and many of us are accelerated by multiple aspects of this dynamic, but there does seem to be a difference at the base of the pyramid.

I think that is a really good way to put it and sits at the heart of it all (pun intended). On some level, the base of the pyramid is so foundational but at the same time, different bases can still produce what we call a pyramid. These types of things are found in many facets of life…. The doctor that gets into the field to help others vs the doctor that selfishly feels good because he helps others vs the Dr that gets into on the field because it pays well but it still helps others are all doctors and call speak to various aspects of their practice. There’s no “right way” to doctor, but their motivations and approaches can all be different.

So many posts I’d like to go back and share thoughts on.. regardless of HWC’s original intent, this thread has sparked lively debate on the topic, which is rare around these parts these days and a welcome addition next to the same topics that require three sentence responses of topics discussed monthly.

[Parsifal]

Obviously this stuff is nuanced, and many of us are accelerated by multiple aspects of this dynamic, but there does seem to be a difference at the base of the pyramid.

I think that is a really good way to put it and sits at the heart of it all (pun intended). On some level, the base of the pyramid is so foundational but at the same time, different bases can still produce what we call a pyramid. These types of things are found in many facets of life…. The doctor that gets into the field to help others vs the doctor that selfishly feels good because he helps others vs the Dr that gets into on the field because it pays well but it still helps others are all doctors and call speak to various aspects of their practice. There’s no “right way” to doctor, but their motivations and approaches can all be different.

So many posts I’d like to go back and share thoughts on.. regardless of HWC’s original intent, this thread has sparked lively debate on the topic, which is rare around these parts these days and a welcome addition next to the same topics that require three sentence responses of topics discussed monthly.

So yes, the "Likes" side of the equation includes the amazing insights we get reading and exploring (through group duscussion) the many varied experiences that feed into the broad-based pyramid. Does that get us back on point?

[hwc]

LOVE your post Troy,

refreshingly honest as always and have to say, although I am in no way as experienced as you, as far as a cuckolding/hotwife relationship goes, that what you said definitely resonates with me.

[hwc]

Greg,

many of us are accelerated by multiple aspects of this dynamic, but there does seem to be a difference at the base of the pyramid.

This is what we find, isn't it?

Hotwifing, the wife having sex outside of marriage and cuckolding might be subjects many members here enjoy reading about and that we share in common - but there are a great many, (suprisingly) different motivations for individuals joining these forums and telling their stories here - I was about to list some but we're aware of what many of them are already.

This pretty much ties-in to the reason I started this thread, which I had thought about doing for quite a long time before I finally started it, some stories match my likes so closely, that I am checking constantly for updates and feel very disappointed if they run dry or end. Other threads, I read a few sentences, or a paragraph and quickly realise it is just not for me and move on quickly. I am very interested though in hearing what it is about these disparate subjects, themes and scenarios that readers and contributors like and dislike.

[troilusand]

Thank you Greg and HWC, I appreciate the appreciation.

Park said, "this thread has sparked lively debate on the topic"...and I must say this has probably been the most compelling thread that I read with a soft dick. I'd probably write/respond more, but my work season began 2 weeks ago and I'm neglecting the threads I jag off to when I'm on this one...and as I said: this LS is all about ME! hee hee

Troy

[Greg_N_Shelley]

… If it’s mostly a sense of joy (and corresponding erotic excitement) from her pleasure, then that seems to be a different foundation.

Obviously this stuff is nuanced, and many of us are accelerated by multiple aspects of this dynamic, but there does seem to be a difference at the base of the pyramid.

One thing I left out that may seem a small point to many, but feels pretty significant to me these days, is the sense of “carefree fun” in our adventures.

Half the time when I revisit videos of our old glories, I don’t find myself focusing on the sex itself, but rather the sense of “fun”. I have a home porn folder filled with nothing but clips of Shelley smiling and laughing, us teasing her, them teasing me, her radiant afterglow — good vibes stuff!

When I reflect on our hotwifing days today, I think that was a major (and somewhat under appreciated) motive for me: “Grown Up Fun” and “The Magnificent Beauty of Her Smile.”

Perhaps this dovetails into the description I wrote in an earlier post about what compersion means to me.

[Long Lurker 34]

… If it’s mostly a sense of joy (and corresponding erotic excitement) from her pleasure, then that seems to be a different foundation.

Obviously this stuff is nuanced, and many of us are accelerated by multiple aspects of this dynamic, but there does seem to be a difference at the base of the pyramid.

One thing I left out that may seem a small point to many, but feels pretty significant to me these days, is the sense of “carefree fun” in our adventures.

Half the time when I revisit videos of our old glories, I don’t find myself focusing on the sex itself, but rather the sense of “fun”. I have a home porn folder filled with nothing but clips of Shelley smiling and laughing, us teasing her, them teasing me, her radiant afterglow — good vibes stuff!

When I reflect on our hotwifing days today, I think that was a major (and somewhat under appreciated) motive for me: “Grown Up Fun” and “The Magnificent Beauty of Her Smile.”

And perhaps dovetails into that description I gave about what “compersion” means to me.

G&S
- Not in the LS but I can thoroughly get the 'fun' part. If it's just sex that's one thing but for things to be beyond that of course makes it better and more fulfilling. Right on.