Should I be worried?

[Laney26]

I hate to tell some of you this but if she wants to leave him she could have done it already. There's nothing stopping her. She's a human and humans don't behave perfectly, they both have made mistakes and taken big missteps in this situation namely because of the lack of communication. So it's a waste of time to be speculating and making statements that she is definitely or is going to be doing xyz when there's no proof of that. I think he handled it well. They need much better communication. And time will tell where this is going.

Once again lots of people giving a lot of ridiculous financial advice. We don't know if they have joint accounts. If they do I don't get the logic in draining them and shutting them down unilaterally especially if both of them contribute to it. Then it's not just his money! It also would make the situation worse and show that he was looking to leave/divorce her and push her towards the other man. It also will not be looked upon kindly by the courts in the event of a divorce. They are late twenties I assume they both work but can't tell from what's been posted.

I hate seeing the constant trope on this forum that every wife/girlfriend are essentially gold diggers and the constant advice that seems to either advocating doing financially dishonest/ abusive things to the wife or trying to use money to control her. Often people are behaving as if the husband has more to loose financial and is somehow more entitled to money/assets.

[coastalkid]

.............Like slenderfish side, planning for divorce in my eyes would start to sway me in that direction, when I don't want that. I think its divided a lot of people, but I'm going with she's telling the truth for now.

Shaun I'm beginning to feel that division is what drives us all these days. There's not a lot of room for "somewhere in the middle" any more! It's as if EVERY answer for ANY topic must be fully at one extreme or another. Even in a place (this site) where you would think most people would have some sense of general agreement there is an impossible polarity. Some people carry their scars with them from their own disastrous past and are inflexible with their righteous indignation, while others have found their OWN path to reconciliation and see it as a solution for ALL. This leaves you sorting it all out and leaving you with the fear of knowing what COULD go the other way with ANY decision you make. Ultimately the information is so overwhelming that you end up lost in it all. The only consensus I've seen so far is the need to communicate. From what you both have said to each other so far you could confirm what you hear her say by telling her, "This is what it sounds like you are saying to me, am I right?" and follow that up with, "What is it that you believe I'm telling you?" Eventually ACTION will be the telling statement that convinces you of the path you must take not WORDS. You know the old saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one!" This includes me too! Follow your heart to the end!

[veub]

If she is telling the truth or if she isn't (I suspect she is telling the truth) the outcome of the conversation would have been the same. So I have to take the chance she is. I do have access to her phone at any point, and always have. I will keep my eye out for a burner phone etc but I don't think it would have been purchased.

Like slenderfish side, planning for divorce in my eyes would start to sway me in that direction, when I don't want that. I think its divided a lot of people, but I'm going with she's telling the truth for now.

Shaun,
I am not encouraging you to get a divorce. I am encouraging you to be realistic.
She has admitted that she is in love with this guy. She believes he is in love with her and he has proclaimed this. As you state in one of your posts, they have talked about being together - from the context I assume that you would be left out of that arrangement.
She has offered to stop seeing him. She may, as she stated, be upset but you have to take her up on this offer if you have any chance to save your marriage. As long as they maintain a relationship your marriage is in grave danger.

[bubbajack]

Words, words, words ...

[Essteaze]

in my mind the fact that he wanted you to wear a condom was to A) establish control of the situation B) if he got her pregnant it is easier for him to say "well we know the baby isnt Shaun's you might as well leave him and start a family with me"

[Suncoastcouple941]

After 5 pages of this poor guy having to deal with his situation, perceived or not. Now we have people pointing fingers at each on here.

Can't make this sh*t up for sure.

[Stag78]

Stag78 - I can see where you're coming from with the cuckold thing. You tell me, I like my wife getting fucked into heaven (preferably in front of me), I like to be involved if possible (but I don't mind just watching), I don't like being humiliated, I don't think I have a small cock (pretty decent size), I don't want my wife taken from me and although I like being told what to do by her sexually, it's within reason and I like being dominant with her just as much (but not to his levels). Maybe a grey area?

I am very far from being an expert on this stuff, but It stands to reason that there must be a great deal of crossover between the HW and Cuck fantasies. First and foremost, we all are very turned on by our women being with other men, duh. It seems to me the biggest general difference is a cuckold gets more sexual gratification from "humiliation" (I don't understand how something one ultimately enjoys can truly be humiliating), and feeling inferior to his wife's lover, while a stag gets more gratification from knowing his wife is so attractive to other men, and despite the fact that her lovers may be "superior" in many ways (cock size, stamina, youth, etc.), the stag does not feel inferior because his wife ultimately returns to be reclaimed by him, which makes him the top dog.

Again, I am by no means an expert on the subject, but I think we'd all agree that there are enormous variations to each person's kink. My main point to you was that, based on some of the conditions your wife and her lover sprung on you that you accepted, you may lean more Cuck than Stag in your kink.

BTW, congrats on the apparent progress with your situation. I will echo a few others in saying proceed with caution, but I will also agree with you that moving forward with the assumption that your wife is being honest is the right approach.

Good luck!

[tojanman]

I think everyone has provided their thoughts and opinions on the matter. At this point, we all need o take a step back and let OP and his wife have time to communicate and reconnect. And hopefully Shaun will be able to give us a positive update in the near future.

I don’t wish to see him run off or burnt out on everyone’s inputs.

[tojanman]

Bump. We’re here when and if you’re ready to share an update Shaun. Hopefully have been going good with the wife.

[iamweasel43]

Sorry but it isn't looking good for you at ALL.
You should have dealt with it when she admitted she had feelings for him.
I know my wife would never do this and we both know her bags would be packed on her next return trip back from visiting my replacement, and thats what he is now, your replacement. Everything you've written shows no respect for your relationship and its clear he means more to her than you. Sorry dude.
She may not have physically left you yet but the rest of her has.

[tojanman]

It’s only been 4 days. Shaun needs time to connect with his wife and sever the connection with this other guy. Hopefully we hear back from Shaun at some point this week

[Shaun89]

Hi all, just thought I'd quickly check in. Nothing really to note, really busy with work and so is my wife. We've spent some quality time together this week and as far as I know they have barely spoken as he's working hard and my wife is putting more energy into me. I've checked her phone once, and saw nothing amiss. Our sex has been good, and I do feel things are going in the right direction. I feel time will tell when we're at the point when he's back from the trip and if we want to meet again at some point. And also she was always NOT seeing him for a couple weeks anyway so I guess nothing is new territory at the moment, so the testing time will be in a week or two. I know she has been using her toys (biggish dildos) a lot since last week too when she's home alone as they move around when I go to put stuff in our shared drawers.

I do think you're right tojanman, the more time progresses the more temptation there will be to pop off to see him, I'm hoping that's not the case. I'll be keeping more of a closer eye in a week or two when he's back and available. Not burnt out by everyone's inputs, it's just showing that everyone has different opinions on how things should be dealt with. And some recommend getting divorced, some don't. Divorce is always available, but if taken earlier than needed it's harder to go back.

Laney, I have thought this, if she wanted to leave by now she could have done. We have no kids (we don't want them), and our finances are pretty easy to split, and we earn roughly the same. The divorce would be simple. But she hasn't, nor has she distanced herself from me emotionally or physically (bar the extended trips to see him) and she hasn't mentioned any problems to me about 'us'.

Coastalkid - I've always been a down the middle kind of guh who sees both sides to an arguments, and there is never usually a one size fits all situation when it comes to hotwifing. Nor is there a handbook! We're probably in the grey area. Communication between us is brillant at the moment and I can only see things getting better. I have positive thinking!

Veub - She explained that when she said that (that they had spoke about being together) it was more in a fantasy kinky taboo way. I think she sees the perils of the realism if she did so, and I don't think she will. The risks are too high. I do believe if I said no more him, she would do so. I'm still undecided in that regard. I'm thinking of having another 3 way meet to see how they act together to gain more information, and if we can all go back to the start when it was good for all of us. No stopping over, just hotel, meet, home. But as I said, still undecided.

Essteaze - I'm certainly hoping she isn't pregnant, don't make me worry more!! Thanks!!

Stag78 - You make a good point. I may have more cuck leanings that I realise, in some areas at least. If I pop over to the cuck forums its usually eating creampies, getting told to suck their wifes lovers cock or getting beaten up or humiliated by their wife or boyfriend and I'm like nope! Not me! But in other topics that aren't as extreme I can see some reflection of what I like. The condom thing was very cuck, but was unintentional. The feeling of being inferior to him sexually when he makes me wife cum countless times and makes her forget I'm even there? Maybe that does turn me on, which is in a way low level humiliation, even though I'm more than capable of getting her off, but simply not as many times. So yes, you are right. Slight cuck leanings, but the most pleasure I get is seeing her enjoying herself and thinking, that's my wife! She's hot!

Iamweasel - I kinda wish people could see our interactions (my wife and I) and then you could she still has a lot of love for me. The foggy cloud over the last few days has lifted slightly she's only mentioned him once or twice in natural conversation. I think she is respecting what I said, and in turn, the relationship. We all get carried away in our lives with something, and I do believe in forgiveness. If it's earned. So time will tell.

So yeah, nothing really to report. Sorry if its a bit boring but that's life! And it's what I need at the moment, boring!

Shaun

[Shaun89]

Oh, actually, was one tidbit, in our more detailed talks (like getting to know each other again over dinner and wine - at home) one of her friends may have suspected something about us. Apparently my wife had been glowing for a while (probably the amount of orgasms she'd be having ) and her friend asked her it looks like she's got an "after glow look about her and energy after getting with a new man" and my wife apparently said, slightly tipsy, something like "well...." but then backtracked. Her friend has been making small comments here and there ever since which I have never noticed (we zoom a lot with her and her partner).

[BigHotMess]

You don’t joke around about being together unless there isn’t an element of truth in it. What’s taboo about that actually? There is nothing taboo about it. Her leaving you to become monogamous with him is the antithesis of taboo.

It doesn’t line up for me to be honest.

Lol between this thread and the other cheating one I feel Ike such a wet blanket these days. I’m not always this lame, promise!

[slenderfish]

Rooting for you, Shaun.

[veub]

You don’t joke around about being together unless there isn’t an element of truth in it. What’s taboo about that actually? There is nothing taboo about it. Her leaving you to become monogamous with him is the antithesis of taboo.

It doesn’t line up for me to be honest.

Lol between this thread and the other cheating one I feel Ike such a wet blanket these days. I’m not always this lame, promise!

If nothing else, the seed of the idea is planted by the discussion and the wife will think about it going forward. As to her considering the "realism" of the situation - this guy is close to her age, wealthier, a better sex partner and she loves him. Since, as Shaun says, divorce would be easy, what is the realistic view of the situation?
I still believe that she is looking for a job in the other town and when that is found she is out the door.
I really can't understand why, given the situation, you are OK with them continuing the affair.

[FNQLivin]

I doing think he is ‘ok’ with them continuing the affair. He’s being realistic. You can’t stop people from following their hearts. You can only live your life.

[FNQLivin]

Rooting for you, Shaun.

That means something very different here ....

[slenderfish]

Rooting for you, Shaun.

That means something very different here ....

Got me on that one.

Shaun, I hope you and your wife both achieve what you are looking for in the hotwife lifestyle, and that this present scenario can continue to be modified to that end.

[tojanman]

Great update Shaun. Glad things are staying positive. I really think you should go back to this guy again. There are many guys out there and while it may take some time to another compatible guy, it’s better than inviting the wolf back into your house.

Keep in mind there are multiple ways communicate besides texting (Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, we chat, KakaoTalk, etc). So when or if you check her phone, look for any different mediums of communication they may be using. I know it sounds sketchy and controlling but right now i feel like you guys are in the truck but verify phase.

Stay strong Shaun and don’t let them sweet talk you into continuing with the ex boyfriend

[BigHotMess]

I doing think he is ‘ok’ with them continuing the affair. He’s being realistic. You can’t stop people from following their hearts. You can only live your life.

I'm not quite certain that "following their hearts" is the right advice. Shawn simply needs to know if the marriage is a priority so that he can make his own assessment and decide what to do.

Listen, it's obvious that the guy is trying to throw a wedge in there. If she recognizes that and determines that kind of undermining behavior isn't a positive for the marriage then Shawn gets what he needs. The dude is boiling the frog in water. First hotel meets, then prolonged stays, now trying to establish a domestic link by bringing her to the fucking zoo. What dude goes to the zoo voluntarily?

It's pretty clear what Shawn wants. He enjoys aspects of the kink, but also firm boundaries, clear communication and a 3rd (or more) partners who understand their roles. He's not getting any of those right now, so what he needs to do is reduce all variables - down to him and his wife - and evaluate where they stand. What will be very telling if Shawn throws out a veto how she reacts. Playing with people's emotions isn't constructive, but there is an element of me who wants to recommend that he try this in a week or two to see where he stands.

I'll second Tojaman's recommendation that if things are bad (and they may not be, but trust - but verify) then there may be backchannel communication that you should be aware of. See? That's why it's important to reduce the variables - in addition to backchannel communication there are a number of other ways and things to consider, when you should be considering one thing - establishing new terra firma with her.

I had the same talk with one dude here. Turns out he found his wife going behind his back - she was calling her boyfriend from her doctor's office and also they had pre-arranged meetups at a local gym. Very good opsec on the part of the wife, I was rather impressed.

[veub]

Great update Shaun. Glad things are staying positive. I really think you should go back to this guy again. There are many guys out there and while it may take some time to another compatible guy, it’s better than inviting the wolf back into your house.

Keep in mind there are multiple ways communicate besides texting (Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, we chat, KakaoTalk, etc). So when or if you check her phone, look for any different mediums of communication they may be using. I know it sounds sketchy and controlling but right now i feel like you guys are in the truck but verify phase.

Stay strong Shaun and don’t let them sweet talk you into continuing with the ex boyfriend

I don't think they need any hidden communication since Shaun says he's fine with letting them talk/text.

[tojanman]

Great update Shaun. Glad things are staying positive. I really think you should go back to this guy again. There are many guys out there and while it may take some time to another compatible guy, it’s better than inviting the wolf back into your house.

Keep in mind there are multiple ways communicate besides texting (Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, we chat, KakaoTalk, etc). So when or if you check her phone, look for any different mediums of communication they may be using. I know it sounds sketchy and controlling but right now i feel like you guys are in the truck but verify phase.

Stay strong Shaun and don’t let them sweet talk you into continuing with the ex boyfriend

I don't think they need any hidden communication since Shaun says he's fine with letting them talk/text.

And what about communication Shaun is not comfortable with? Like scheduling meeting up or sending “I love you”’s?

[veub]

He hasn't said to cut off communication so I guess he's alright with it. Relationship suicide.

[BigHotMess]

He’s obviously trying to wedge. Laying low for a week or two is the right move on his part. I’ll even give him kudos ‘for work’. LOL I work 80 hours a week and even I can find a time to throw in a few texts or a phone call.

Then he’ll slow burn the wedge starting in a week or two. It’s pretty typical.