Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[Dark]

Hey ladies-

Won’t bore anyone with a long preamble, our story is similar to many others. I initiated the conversation and it went from “no way” to “l didn’t say never” to more specific talks about the logistics and her recent admission that she’d really like to try a BBC. This is all exciting to me because I’m the only man she’s ever been with.

This has been a long process and I’m enjoying seeing her focus on her sexuality. I don’t know who posted this and I’d very much like to find the post again, but it laid out the Stages of Becoming a Hotwife. The post was very insightful and helped me appreciate how much progress has been made. I learned that we had made it to the later stages and helped me understand the next step: have her feel more attractive to other men by the way she presents herself. She has started working out regularly to tighten her body after 3 kids, but she is a knockout at 46. She will have absolutely no problem finding men, but she has always been laid back and Plain Jane about her style: comfortable clothes and a once a year trip to Great Clips. I’m encouraging her to get her hair done professionally and to dress with a little more confidence in her looks.

That gets me to the question: we live near my wife’s family. If she starts dressing more provocatively her parents and siblings will be sure to notice. Not that everyone will immediately think “hotwife” but they will notice the difference. It seems to me that dressing to invite more attention can’t be just a “date night” thing to be most effective. How do you guys keep your hotwife lifestyle from being apparent to your extended family?


Bonus question: my wife says she wants me to pick out the guy for a one time thing. This is certainly a cop out that alleviates her guilt or anxiety about her consensual role. I have expressed to her repeatedly that I don’t want her to “do this for me”. My goals are her sexual happiness and adventure. How do I navigate this? Actually start looking for guys and let her review? Or keep her involved in the process from Day One with flirty chat and pictures? I’m thinking the latter because it makes it more real and engages her as a participant.

I eagerly await your advice.

[2inUPMichigan]

Hey ladies-

Won’t bore anyone with a long preamble, our story is similar to many others. I initiated the conversation and it went from “no way” to “l didn’t say never” to more specific talks about the logistics and her recent admission that she’d really like to try a BBC. This is all exciting to me because I’m the only man she’s ever been with.

This has been a long process and I’m enjoying seeing her focus on her sexuality. I don’t know who posted this and I’d very much like to find the post again, but it laid out the Stages of Becoming a Hotwife. The post was very insightful and helped me appreciate how much progress has been made. I learned that we had made it to the later stages and helped me understand the next step: have her feel more attractive to other men by the way she presents herself. She has started working out regularly to tighten her body after 3 kids, but she is a knockout at 46. She will have absolutely no problem finding men, but she has always been laid back and Plain Jane about her style: comfortable clothes and a once a year trip to Great Clips. I’m encouraging her to get her hair done professionally and to dress with a little more confidence in her looks.

That gets me to the question: we live near my wife’s family. If she starts dressing more provocatively her parents and siblings will be sure to notice. Not that everyone will immediately think “hotwife” but they will notice the difference. It seems to me that dressing to invite more attention can’t be just a “date night” thing to be most effective. How do you guys keep your hotwife lifestyle from being apparent to your extended family?


Bonus question: my wife says she wants me to pick out the guy for a one time thing. This is certainly a cop out that alleviates her guilt or anxiety about her consensual role. I have expressed to her repeatedly that I don’t want her to “do this for me”. My goals are her sexual happiness and adventure. How do I navigate this? Actually start looking for guys and let her review? Or keep her involved in the process from Day One with flirty chat and pictures? I’m thinking the latter because it makes it more real and engages her as a participant.

I eagerly await your advice.

As a rule I don't dress in a provocative manner. I do not want to call attention to myself or the fact that I am acting in any way differently. I tend to go with the idea of a good girl exterior with a naughty girl underneath. So what everyone sees will not raise any suspicions but my lingerie is very naughty

The advice I received when I first started is the same advice I pass on today about what to wear on a play date or a first meeting. Wear something that you feel comfortable and confident in and you will feel sexy. Sexy is about attitude and how you carry yourself, it's not about a piece of clothing.

If she wants you to look for a man what requirements has she given you? There are some great guys out there and some real jerks too. The better idea the two of you have of what type of person would fit the experience you are looking for the easier your search will be.

You could give her a selection of men that you have narrowed down for her and ask her to pick one of them that she would like to meet.

[2inUPMichigan]

What is that one most humiliating (though it is a love gesture) thing you want to do to your hubby in team with your your bull

My hubby isn't into humiliation and neither am I.
The number one thing any man that meets up with me has to understand is that my marriage is to be respected at all times.

I would never team up with someone else against my husband. He and I are the team, always.

[2inUPMichigan]

Do any of you VHW's masturbate? I realize you might do it for "show" for your husband/bf. Is masturbating something you like to do or not? As far as I can tell my wife does not other than the first week she got her first Hitachi years ago. She has done it for me to get me excited but only rarely. I was just wondering how other wives are about this?

Thank you!

CK

But of course have to keep those toys in good working order in between play dates!

[Stu13]

Do any other hotwives partners still worry there wifes might run off. Or does it get easier the longer your in the lifestyle?
I only ask as I want my wife to play with her new work friend but obviously I won't be involved where as normally I get to watch or join in.
So just wonder if anybody else still has the butterfly's every time she goes to see him or is that just normal.
T.I.A.
Stuart.

[2inUPMichigan]

Do any other hotwives partners still worry there wifes might run off. Or does it get easier the longer your in the lifestyle?
I only ask as I want my wife to play with her new work friend but obviously I won't be involved where as normally I get to watch or join in.
So just wonder if anybody else still has the butterfly's every time she goes to see him or is that just normal.
T.I.A.
Stuart.

In truth the chances of a wife "running off" with another man have more to do with the strength of your marriage than anything that happens between her and the other man.
If both of you are putting your marriage first and you have that strong foundation with good communication then the two of you will be able to deal with any bumps in the road.

I have always played solo (it was a decision we made together) and I have never once thought about leaving my husband. Why would I? Trade in my entire life with the man that i love for some guy i have sex with on occasion? No matter how good the sex is it will never be a better deal than the years with hubby and the life we have built together.

FYI- If you are looking for input from some of the men on your question you could start your own thread in the Hotwife forum as this thread is to be answered by VHW'S (verified hotwives only).

[ourlittlesecret2222]

Hello,
My girlfriend and I are brand new to all of this. She was very reluctant at first, but we have kind of slowly progressed to now. We used an extension sleeve and she absolutely loved it. She said that it made her a little bit curious about what the real thing might feel like. As of right now, we are looking for a bull to try this with at least once. She said she is pretty amazed at what bbc does to a lot of women and wants to see what all the hype is about. So I guess my question is how do we go about finding a bull for her who will let me watch? And what is the reality like compared to the fantasy. She agrees that she will probably do and say things she never has with me (she moans so much louder with our sleeve) and that I will probably see her cum way harder than she does with me. What is that feeling like? To see her like that? For her to let me see her like that? Any advice would be well appreciated she is 26 and I am 24

[AZVixen]

Hello,
My girlfriend and I are brand new to all of this. She was very reluctant at first, but we have kind of slowly progressed to now. We used an extension sleeve and she absolutely loved it. She said that it made her a little bit curious about what the real thing might feel like. As of right now, we are looking for a bull to try this with at least once. She said she is pretty amazed at what bbc does to a lot of women and wants to see what all the hype is about. So I guess my question is how do we go about finding a bull for her who will let me watch? And what is the reality like compared to the fantasy. She agrees that she will probably do and say things she never has with me (she moans so much louder with our sleeve) and that I will probably see her cum way harder than she does with me. What is that feeling like? To see her like that? For her to let me see her like that? Any advice would be well appreciated she is 26 and I am 24

We use doublelist. It's a personals website, similar to the old craigslist personal ads. Put in your ad that the chosen guy must be ok with husband watching.

My husband loves watching. But he also loves to sit at home while I'm at a hotel with another guy. He says it's amazing to watch. And it's exhilarating to sit and wait and not know what's going on.

[tunafish]

Hello Ladies,

L and I are new to the lifestyle. I started a thread a few months ago when it all began for us. It's called "40 years of fantasy can it be time ?"
If interested it can be found on the HW Forum. However the thread isn't relevant to my question of you all.

Whats prompted the question now is L's only FB told her this past week he wanted to break up with her. He's a good guy but the lifestyle was taking a toll on him and he had to cut it off. He just couldn't handle the HW concept He also said at this point in his life (he's 68) he wanted a committed relationship not merely a sexual one.

These past 3 months have been the most exciting and wonderful thing thats happened to a great 40 year marriage, except perhaps the birth of our children. Its added excitement and provided a boost to L's self confidence and most of all allowed for a new deeper level of communication for the two of us. Yes, we've had a few bumps along the way but with our ability to talk and LISTEN to one another and with the help from a few wonderful folks on this forum we've worked through them and have come out stronger.

Simply put L wants to know how do you fuck someone over a long period and not risk falling in love with them or forming a deep connection and potentially ruin a marriage? Its the main thing that has held L back all these years. She is not one to randomly fuck someone. She'd need a connection in anyone she's going to be with and the thought of that scares her.

I told her tonight while we were chatting over the future that I didn't have the same level of worry as she. She asked me if I was willing to jeopardize our marriage? I said absolutely not. If I believed her having a FB or lover would seriously threaten our marriage I'd say stop now and I'd never bring it up again - Our marriage means that much to me as it does to her. But I do believe that she has a deeper understanding of herself than she admits.

We both agreed that there are unknowns and there are risks. We're not in a rush to make any decisions. While this a serious topic we're discussing it openly. Kidding her I said when you find the next guy I'll bet you'll put those fear to rest for at least a while and deal with the risks
later. She said perhaps you're right. With that we had a great big hug and kiss - No sex tonight because she visited Lisa her favorite waxing lady and she's pretty sore -

Thoughts please and thanks for making this available to us.

Tunafish











\

[2inUPMichigan]

Hello Ladies,

L and I are new to the lifestyle. I started a thread a few months ago when it all began for us. It's called "40 years of fantasy can it be time ?"
If interested it can be found on the HW Forum. However the thread isn't relevant to my question of you all.

Whats prompted the question now is L's only FB told her this past week he wanted to break up with her. He's a good guy but the lifestyle was taking a toll on him and he had to cut it off. He just couldn't handle the HW concept He also said at this point in his life (he's 68) he wanted a committed relationship not merely a sexual one.

These past 3 months have been the most exciting and wonderful thing thats happened to a great 40 year marriage, except perhaps the birth of our children. Its added excitement and provided a boost to L's self confidence and most of all allowed for a new deeper level of communication for the two of us. Yes, we've had a few bumps along the way but with our ability to talk and LISTEN to one another and with the help from a few wonderful folks on this forum we've worked through them and have come out stronger.

Simply put L wants to know how do you fuck someone over a long period and not risk falling in love with them or forming a deep connection and potentially ruin a marriage? Its the main thing that has held L back all these years. She is not one to randomly fuck someone. She'd need a connection in anyone she's going to be with and the thought of that scares her.

I told her tonight while we were chatting over the future that I didn't have the same level of worry as she. She asked me if I was willing to jeopardize our marriage? I said absolutely not. If I believed her having a FB or lover would seriously threaten our marriage I'd say stop now and I'd never bring it up again - Our marriage means that much to me as it does to her. But I do believe that she has a deeper understanding of herself than she admits.

We both agreed that there are unknowns and there are risks. We're not in a rush to make any decisions. While this a serious topic we're discussing it openly. Kidding her I said when you find the next guy I'll bet you'll put those fear to rest for at least a while and deal with the risks
later. She said perhaps you're right. With that we had a great big hug and kiss - No sex tonight because she visited Lisa her favorite waxing lady and she's pretty sore -

Thoughts please and thanks for making this available to us.

Tunafish











\

For me I made it perfectly clear to any man I was in contact with that my marriage meant everything to me and that because of that I intended to -
Never be exclusive to any play partners
Never have more than one play date in a week
Never see the same man more than once (or twice) in a month

These aren't things that my hubby asked of me, they are commitments that I made. I put these safeguards in place, not because I think there could be an issue but because I value the bond that hubby and I have and i wanted to give him peace of mind.

I have been meeting one particular man for almost 2 years. We have a great time together and he is someone that I can trust. I consider him a friend. At the same time he understands that I do have boundaries and he respects them. We are still playing together because he respects those boundaries and also my marriage.

How do I safeguard my heart? By not being exclusive to any other man. By being very careful about the frequency of play dates. By being realistic about hotwife fun versus real life. (He might be great at sex but do you want to share your life with him?) - my answer is No

[tunafish]

Thanks. Appreciate the response
I read your responses to L. She asked how do these women find their men ?

[yielding william]

Thanks. Appreciate the response
I read your responses to L. She asked how do these women find their men ?

I don't recall that question and don't remember L, but I think most married women who want outside sex find men thru personals ads. Some are in jobs or social activities that allow them to get to know willing partners that way.

[2inUPMichigan]

Thanks. Appreciate the response
I read your responses to L. She asked how do these women find their men ?

I don't recall that question and don't remember L, but I think most married women who want outside sex find men thru personals ads. Some are in jobs or social activities that allow them to get to know willing partners that way.

Oops!

Please remember that this thread is basically an advice column to be answered by the VHW'S only - not a regular thread that is open to responses by everyone.

A great service provided by our VHW'S

[2inUPMichigan]

Thanks. Appreciate the response
I read your responses to L. She asked how do these women find their men ?

Tell L that I have found the men that I play with exclusively on SLS (swing lifestyle dot com) because we decided early on that we didn't want to involve anyone local as our rural area tends to be gossipy

The good thing I have found online is that I can screen these men and eliminate those that do not fit what I am looking for before I even meet them. Saves a lot of time and energy. Also it is helpful that a lot of the men on sites like that already understand the dynamics involved and might even be looking for a hotwife

I met the man that I have been playing with for almost 2 years on that site and it was helpful to read his profile- what he was looking for and interested in - to determine if we could be a good match.

I don't want to meet just anyone! I am picky

[coastalkid]

On another thread Farmgirl posted this:

...... Men have so many insecurities, and it causes ya'll to overthink so much.

It seems like I often read about wives reluctance to enter the lifestyle because of their insecurities while their partners are fully onboard and yet equally inexperienced. Then it switches doesn't it? The husbands become the insecure ones and the wives are fully onboard. Have you EVER noticed when his (your partner) insecurities needed to be addressed however small or trivial they may seem? I believe Farmgirl said it because she believes at the root it's true. Is this ever an extra burden?

[2inUPMichigan]

On another thread Farmgirl posted this:

...... Men have so many insecurities, and it causes ya'll to overthink so much.

It seems like I often read about wives reluctance to enter the lifestyle because of their insecurities while their partners are fully onboard and yet equally inexperienced. Then it switches doesn't it? The husbands become the insecure ones and the wives are fully onboard. Have you EVER noticed when his (your partner) insecurities needed to be addressed however small or trivial they may seem? I believe Farmgirl said it because she believes at the root it's true. Is this ever an extra burden?

An extra burden to put my focus on my hubby?

No in all seriousness I purposely put into play specific guidelines that would make him feel more comfortable.

We are all human and it is normal to have insecurities. Who else can we be open, honest and vulnerable with if not our spouse?
They are the ones that have our backs.....or at least should. (In my opinion)

Both of us have had our moments but we are very close so we talk ...and actually listen to each other (that is the key!!). Then it is a matter of working toward solutions together instead of getting lost in those insecurities

[Farmgirl]

On another thread Farmgirl posted this:

...... Men have so many insecurities, and it causes ya'll to overthink so much.

It seems like I often read about wives reluctance to enter the lifestyle because of their insecurities while their partners are fully onboard and yet equally inexperienced. Then it switches doesn't it? The husbands become the insecure ones and the wives are fully onboard. Have you EVER noticed when his (your partner) insecurities needed to be addressed however small or trivial they may seem? I believe Farmgirl said it because she believes at the root it's true. Is this ever an extra burden?

It's never a burden for me. My Number1 knows he's my priority, and I enjoy making sure he knows it. Yes, I believe husbands are largely the insecure ones in a hotwife marriage, as you said that switches.
Speaking in general terms, the wife needs to feel secure in her husband's love and support to become a hotwife. The husband is all for the idea, then he sees his wife embrace it more than he thought and in a way he didn't anticipate. He can become insecure, and most do to some degree at first.
How many times have you read about the husband wanting a hotwife, the wife decides okay and jumps in running, and the husband wants to slow down or pull back. It's an all too common theme on here.
Husbands want and need the extra assurances from us, but it's not a burden. It's part of love, just as the husband meeting the needs of his wife.

[coastalkid]

Thanks 2inUp and Farmgirl! First off I guess "burden" has a too much of a bad connotation and I chose that word poorly. Maybe it would be better to ask if insecurity has been something you felt like you needed to step up and bring into conversation? The things I do for my wife I don't consider to be a burden either because I love her and want to do those things for her. Both of you (Farmgirl and 2inUP) have convinced me that you do everything you can to make certain your husbands are happy for the same reason. They are your #1. Thanks so much for your input!

[2inUPMichigan]

Thanks 2inUp and Farmgirl! First off I guess "burden" has a too much of a bad connotation and I chose that word poorly. Maybe it would be better to ask if insecurity has been something you felt like you needed to step up and bring into conversation? The things I do for my wife I don't consider to be a burden either because I love her and want to do those things for her. Both of you (Farmgirl and 2inUP) have convinced me that you do everything you can to make certain your husbands are happy for the same reason. They are your #1. Thanks so much for your input!

Yeah see ... I don't tend to wait for things to happen. I would rather address them head on in the first place than be blindsided later on.

If you address the potential issues in the beginning before you take that first big step then you can prepare yourself for how you want to handle things if they come up.

We had a series of in depth discussions about what this was going to look like for both of us before we took that step including how we felt about it. We eliminated some of our individual concerns by agreeing on basic requirements.

This was an "us" decision so we each had concerns and issues we needed answers to. We worked through them together and found solutions and compromises that we agreed on. Along the way we have made a few adjustments- some initiated by me and others by hubby.

We literally talked over every single topic of conflict that I had read about online He was thrilled But in the end we sorted it all out and found our middle ground. We did the hard work in the beginning......and it paid off with a few less bumps in the road.

So I avoided those things that would make him uncomfortable or insecure -- very easy compromises to give him peace of mind. Why not figure it out ahead of time instead of dealing with it in the moment??
"I would be uncomfortable if you _____"
"Ok, then instead why don't I just ____" (problem avoided)

Communication is a wonderful thing
Oops, rambling a bit

[Farmgirl]

Thanks 2inUp and Farmgirl! First off I guess "burden" has a too much of a bad connotation and I chose that word poorly. Maybe it would be better to ask if insecurity has been something you felt like you needed to step up and bring into conversation? The things I do for my wife I don't consider to be a burden either because I love her and want to do those things for her. Both of you (Farmgirl and 2inUP) have convinced me that you do everything you can to make certain your husbands are happy for the same reason. They are your #1. Thanks so much for your input!

Yeah see ... I don't tend to wait for things to happen. I would rather address them head on in the first place than be blindsided later on.

If you address the potential issues in the beginning before you take that first big step then you can prepare yourself for how you want to handle things if they come up.

We had a series of in depth discussions about what this was going to look like for both of us before we took that step including how we felt about it. We eliminated some of our individual concerns by agreeing on basic requirements.

This was an "us" decision so we each had concerns and issues we needed answers to. We worked through them together and found solutions and compromises that we agreed on. Along the way we have made a few adjustments- some initiated by me and others by hubby.

We literally talked over every single topic of conflict that I had read about online He was thrilled But in the end we sorted it all out and found our middle ground. We did the hard work in the beginning......and it paid off with a few less bumps in the road.

So I avoided those things that would make him uncomfortable or insecure -- very easy compromises to give him peace of mind. Why not figure it out ahead of time instead of dealing with it in the moment??
"I would be uncomfortable if you _____"
"Ok, then instead why don't I just ____" (problem avoided)

Communication is a wonderful thing
Oops, rambling a bit

You weren't rambling at all. What you described fit very much how we approach things, and your "rambling" was a very good lesson for others in how to make things work!

[coastalkid]

Thank you!

[Lowboy]

Of course this is my all time number one fantasy. Every women I have ever seriously dated Has messed around with one of my friends. My first wife even got pregnant from my best friend.
Current wife won’t even entertain the thought. It’s fine she won’t do it but I would love some dirty talk in the bedroom at least. She absolutely refuses. I take this as a sign she doesn’t care about me and she is very selfish. I mean how hard could it be to whisper in my ear wile we are having sex.

[2inUPMichigan]

Of course this is my all time number one fantasy. Every women I have ever seriously dated Has messed around with one of my friends. My first wife even got pregnant from my best friend.
Current wife won’t even entertain the thought. It’s fine she won’t do it but I would love some dirty talk in the bedroom at least. She absolutely refuses. I take this as a sign she doesn’t care about me and she is very selfish. I mean how hard could it be to whisper in my ear wile we are having sex.

Her refusing isn't a sign that she is selfish it is a sign that she isn't turned on by what you are asking her to do.

You mention here that your wife doesn't entertain the idea but in some if your other posts you stated that your wife was concerned about getting to attached if the two of you moved forward.
It sounds like she has thought about it......

[coastalkid]

Do any of you VHW's "squirt"? If not, have you consciously tried to to see if you could? If you have or do, is it like some kind of mind bending orgasm. I've never tried to make my wife squirt by intention. I always am just trying to give her an orgasm. Personally, I'd dig it if I could make her spasm uncontrollably and squirt all over herself just for my own selfish indulgence. What's your take on squirting?

[2inUPMichigan]

Do any of you VHW's "squirt"? If not, have you consciously tried to to see if you could? If you have or do, is it like some kind of mind bending orgasm. I've never tried to make my wife squirt by intention. I always am just trying to give her an orgasm. Personally, I'd dig it if I could make her spasm uncontrollably and squirt all over herself just for my own selfish indulgence. What's your take on squirting?

For me it isn't at all how it looks in porn. It is more like a really big gush of fluid all at once (well you asked!)
There is no stream that shoots across the room.

I really have to be relaxed for it to happen and it usually doesn't happen unless I have already had at least one orgasm. If I let it happen I get a big contraction then the gush of fluid "cums" out. I tend to warn men so that they aren't startled- I forgot once luckily he liked it!

It is usually triggered by simultaneous stimulation of both my g-spot and clitoris.It does feel different than other orgasms- can't describe the difference really.