Her Plan to Dip Toe in Hotwife Water

[Nectcouple]

I too, have spent the last couple of days reading this entire thread and am hanging on every word.

A quick question:

Could it be that she was calling your bluff and daring you to ask Mr. B. about that night caught on security camera, betting that you wouldn't. (She was right.) Then she flipped out when you told her you almost broached the subject with him because she realized how close she'd come to getting caught while unprepared with more explanations, especially with so much already on her plate?

[JeffBingham]

I too, have spent the last couple of days reading this entire thread and am hanging on every word.

A quick question:

Could it be that she was calling your bluff and daring you to ask Mr. B. about that night caught on security camera, betting that you wouldn't. (She was right.) Then she flipped out when you told her you almost broached the subject with him because she realized how close she'd come to getting caught while unprepared with more explanations, especially with so much already on her plate?

My thoughts, exactly!

[afagehi7]

I too, have spent the last couple of days reading this entire thread and am hanging on every word.

A quick question:

Could it be that she was calling your bluff and daring you to ask Mr. B. about that night caught on security camera, betting that you wouldn't. (She was right.) Then she flipped out when you told her you almost broached the subject with him because she realized how close she'd come to getting caught while unprepared with more explanations, especially with so much already on her plate?

My thoughts, exactly!

Agreed but if he pushes this topic it's highly unlikely she'll hotwife on her next trip with Mr S and will probably soil any possibility of hotwife activity with MrB.

[whenwillshe]

Since Mr B has already bedded his Sure thing at your home, have you considered having them both stay over after the Saturday party and seeing where things go with all 4 of you?

[BallSpanking]

This is mostly secondary/tertiary to SW ...

[slenderfish]

Since Mr B has already bedded his Sure thing at your home, have you considered having them both stay over after the Saturday party and seeing where things go with all 4 of you?

This is a tantalizing concept. I'm certain of three things relative to this suggestion:

1) Ms. R lives less than a half mile away, so they will go back to her house for overnight

2) Mr. B and Ms. R will be the last two to leave the party, and therefore we may have our own time with the two couples

3) SW is now focused on Mr. S and the only benefit to having Mr. B around is to see how SW acts around him and vice versa. And this only speaks to whether he is out forever or just out for now.

I agree with afagehi7 that the Mr. B video and overnight is a dead horse. I had my chance to blast it out of the water on Tuesday but elected to steer clear. I believe my intuition was correct, to let that sleeping dog lie.

[slenderfish]

I too, have spent the last couple of days reading this entire thread and am hanging on every word.

A quick question:

Could it be that she was calling your bluff and daring you to ask Mr. B. about that night caught on security camera, betting that you wouldn't. (She was right.) Then she flipped out when you told her you almost broached the subject with him because she realized how close she'd come to getting caught while unprepared with more explanations, especially with so much already on her plate?

My thoughts, exactly!

Agreed but if he pushes this topic it's highly unlikely she'll hotwife on her next trip with Mr S and will probably soil any possibility of hotwife activity with MrB.

I agree, and this was what I was getting at when I described the whole situation. I remind myself that this is a long game and that a) I do trust her when she says nothing happened b) it was in any case wildly inappropriate for a married woman withing a committed relationship, serious boundary issues and c) if she is moving into hotwife territory then if something did happen and it becomes a gateway event, or if nothing happened but her ignoring normal boundaries is a sign she is moving forward in her mental preparation for hotwifing, then we are good!

More on this in my next post.

[slenderfish]

We had some long talks yesterday. Was, I'm sure, productive, but was very draining to me.

I think we've encountered our first major down cycle.

We were on our second weekly session with the kink/sex coach, who signed up to help us get into hotwifing. But the conversation, for the second week, was more about the dynamic between the two of us, and the coach reminded us that she is not a clinical therapist. Said she was reading some resentment from SW to me. The coach basically said that if she wants to pursue, then we should keep next week's session but perhaps we are not as ready as initially thought.

So SW and i talked at length, after the session.

There is some unresolved resentment unrelated to hotwifing. SW is not one to let things go. Nothing about our relationship (e.g not cheating or another woman or anything like that) but some life goals that didn't happen as hoped/planned and the disappointment still lingers. The issue is that she apparently has to blame somebody and a) doesn't permit herself to blame herself so b) it falls to me by default. We probed deeper and also noted that when something we do (or I do) reminds her of a terrible event in her youth or her past, she overlays that event into the present and it gets fully revived. I said it seems almost like a PTSD-type of process.

She suggested we step away from the HW efforts for a time. Perhaps forever.

Of course I'm not going to fall into the role of someone who is pushing her where she does not want to go, so I had to walk carefully.

I said "then you want to cancel your upcoming trip in mid-October" to which she was shocked and disagreed. I said that was unfair to me in that the purpose and premise of the trip, as it was presented to me, was to see Mr. S. I said that we would merely fall back to the usual trip in November for Thanksgiving, and that she can certanly wait a few more weeks to see her girlfriends and family, given that she was just there in September.

I said she should think about it all and we should regroup later.

Wnen she came back later and we resumed the conversations, she said that she does see how she needs to address the lingering stuff unrelated to HW and perhaps will go back to her therapist for that. Or perhaps a new therapist who is also kink-friendly, to establish an additional resource. Said that she does want to proceed with the October trip and to go out with Mr. S. but that she wants to take it slow with him, and that she is not sure he will be willing or able to invest at the level she envisions. I asked her if she is giving him (his ego) a bit of attention and encouragement, and she asked me to assist with a text message hinting at enthusiasm without overdoing it. I did so and she sent it off.

I reminded her again that she (and I) are essentially flying blind here, in that we are kind of making this up as we go along and not making use of any resources from those who have experience and/or knowledge of the many stumbling blocks that most encounter along the way. That we were kind of doomed to stumbling at each block, and that perhaps we are in the midst of one as we speak.

I asked her if she had done any research or reading, etc. about the lifestyle, etc. and she said she had done a bit. Also that she had spoken with some people with experience. She shared that she spoke with a woman (was a pretty close friend of hers/ours a few years ago) who went through a messy divorce after she indulged the husband with his fantasies of threesomes, etc (MFF). That he had gone out of control and ended up seeing these girls in secret, had recorded videos on his phone, and that their 11-yr-old son had stumbled on to the videos and viewed them on his dad's phone.

She had prevously mentioned talking to this woman and I told her it would probably be counterproductive, in that her experience is much different and the husband's fantasy was also much different, etc. etc. I knew nothing good would come of it (didn't say it though) and thought this idea was discarded. But was wrong.

So we get to go through it and I did again point out to SW that there are resources and people available specific to hotwifing. Again reminded her that those who aren't knowledgeable about it are always going to overlay their perspective and personal "bent" on their thoughts (e.g. most people wrongly consider hotwifing to be cuckolding/humiliation, swingers tend to go to the conclusion that it's a latent homosexual thing, straight men and women tend to think its a gateway for the man to sleep with other women, etc.).

At about that time a follow-up email arrived from the kink Coach, suggesting a book about how to move into a cuckold lifestyle without ruining the marriage. SW agreed to read it. I told her she should read it if she is interested, for her own reasons or because it was recommended by the kink Coach, and that she shouldn't read it as a "favor to me. Trying to get her to take ownership of her part in this journey.

So there it stands.

We will be closing out the workweek today, and readying for the party tomorrow night.

[aztd]

Some move into hot wifing . We read their stories right up to the event never to be heard from again.
Betting it didn't go good.

[coastalkid]

We had some long talks yesterday. Was, I'm sure, productive, but was very draining to me.

I think we've encountered our first major down cycle.

We were on our second weekly session with the kink/sex coach, who signed up to help us get into hotwifing. But the conversation, for the second week, was more about the dynamic between the two of us, and the coach reminded us that she is not a clinical therapist. Said she was reading some resentment from SW to me. The coach basically said that if she wants to pursue, then we should keep next week's session but perhaps we are not as ready as initially thought.

So SW and i talked at length, after the session.

How did your wife respond when the coach pointed out the resentment she sensed? Did your wife acknowledge that she was indeed resentful?

There is some unresolved resentment unrelated to hotwifing. SW is not one to let things go. Nothing about our relationship (e.g not cheating or another woman or anything like that) but some life goals that didn't happen as hoped/planned and the disappointment still lingers. The issue is that she apparently has to blame somebody and a) doesn't permit herself to blame herself so b) it falls to me by default. We probed deeper and also noted that when something we do (or I do) reminds her of a terrible event in her youth or her past, she overlays that event into the present and it gets fully revived. I said it seems almost like a PTSD-type of process.

She suggested we step away from the HW efforts for a time. Perhaps forever.

This makes me think of my days as a middle school Math teacher. There were some absolutely horrible days and when the memory bubbles up for whatever reason it takes me a while to shake it off. SW suggesting to step away makes me think of someone that threw up after a roller coaster ride and being asked if they want to ride it again right after. The resentment part is a big deal for me. I have had it towards my wife for ignoring our sex life for so many years that it has made my ability to see clear of that to truly address MY struggle. I realize for me that it manifests itself in believing that my wife doesn't care about/is ignorant about MY wanting things to be different.

Of course I'm not going to fall into the role of someone who is pushing her where she does not want to go, so I had to walk carefully.

I said "then you want to cancel your upcoming trip in mid-October" to which she was shocked and disagreed. I said that was unfair to me in that the purpose and premise of the trip, as it was presented to me, was to see Mr. S. I said that we would merely fall back to the usual trip in November for Thanksgiving, and that she can certainly wait a few more weeks to see her girlfriends and family, given that she was just there in September.

I said she should think about it all and we should regroup later.

Wnen she came back later and we resumed the conversations, she said that she does see how she needs to address the lingering stuff unrelated to HW and perhaps will go back to her therapist for that. Or perhaps a new therapist who is also kink-friendly, to establish an additional resource. Said that she does want to proceed with the October trip and to go out with Mr. S. but that she wants to take it slow with him, and that she is not sure he will be willing or able to invest at the level she envisions. I asked her if she is giving him (his ego) a bit of attention and encouragement, and she asked me to assist with a text message hinting at enthusiasm without overdoing it. I did so and she sent it off.

Sure seems like mixed messages to me. When people respond with "shock or amazement" it usually because an event has an outcome that is completely different than their anticipated result. SW's response makes me feel that there is some something that still appeals to her but all the other problems/issues keep it from being simple and easy.

I reminded her again that she (and I) are essentially flying blind here, in that we are kind of making this up as we go along and not making use of any resources from those who have experience and/or knowledge of the many stumbling blocks that most encounter along the way. That we were kind of doomed to stumbling at each block, and that perhaps we are in the midst of one as we speak.

I asked her if she had done any research or reading, etc. about the lifestyle, etc. and she said she had done a bit. Also that she had spoken with some people with experience. She shared that she spoke with a woman (was a pretty close friend of hers/ours a few years ago) who went through a messy divorce after she indulged the husband with his fantasies of threesomes, etc (MFF). That he had gone out of control and ended up seeing these girls in secret, had recorded videos on his phone, and that their 11-yr-old son had stumbled on to the videos and viewed them on his dad's phone.

She had prevously mentioned talking to this woman and I told her it would probably be counterproductive, in that her experience is much different and the husband's fantasy was also much different, etc. etc. I knew nothing good would come of it (didn't say it though) and thought this idea was discarded. But was wrong.

Unfortunately in our present times it is easy to take a stance on ANYTHING and be able to find supporting material to defend your position. That's why I wouldn't suggest your wife become a member here. It would be simple for her to "cherry pick" all the instances of disastrous results and fixate on those. In your paragraph after this you point out that some resources can be misleading.

So we get to go through it and I did again point out to SW that there are resources and people available specific to hotwifing. Again reminded her that those who aren't knowledgeable about it are always going to overlay their perspective and personal "bent" on their thoughts (e.g. most people wrongly consider hotwifing to be cuckolding/humiliation, swingers tend to go to the conclusion that it's a latent homosexual thing, straight men and women tend to think its a gateway for the man to sleep with other women, etc.).

At about that time a follow-up email arrived from the kink Coach, suggesting a book about how to move into a cuckold lifestyle without ruining the marriage. SW agreed to read it. I told her she should read it if she is interested, for her own reasons or because it was recommended by the kink Coach, and that she shouldn't read it as a "favor to me. Trying to get her to take ownership of her part in this journey.

What was the book your coach suggested?

So there it stands.

We will be closing out the workweek today, and readying for the party tomorrow night.

It may serve you best to focus on being helpful with the party plans and shift the attention to lightening the mood with a fun distraction. Nothing stands out like a person at a party that doesn't display that festive attitude. The resentment issue is the scariest thing to me mainly because I've seen how it's grip on me has proven how counterproductive it is and how difficult it is to let go of. Considering you mentioned before that she is not one to let things go!

Just my two cents SF, nothing more and maybe not even worth two cents! Just thinking about what you've said, that's all.

[iwish]

At about that time a follow-up email arrived from the kink Coach, suggesting a book about how to move into a cuckold lifestyle without ruining the marriage. SW agreed to read it. I told her she should read it if she is interested, for her own reasons or because it was recommended by the kink Coach, and that she shouldn't read it as a "favor to me. Trying to get her to take ownership of her part in this journey.

Do you mind giving the title to the recommended book? Curious minds want to know.

[CarstonMathers]

Ugh. Slenderfish. My hearts dying for you over here bro! You've put soooooooo much energy into this. You are a good and loving husband man. I don't wear hats, but if I did, mine would be off for you.

Well the nice thing about hotwifing is that even when it doesn't go the way we want, we still have super sexy wives that fuck us.

What a ride.

[slenderfish]

The ride is essentially the best part of the journey, isn't it? I certainly feel human.

Erotic-Cuckolding-Real-Guide-Couples-ebook

Yes, shifting to party mode. Gonna go very light for awhile on hotwife subjects with SW.

Reminder to myself: Long Game

[Mark K]

It would probably be a nice gesture if you read the suggested book also; and you guys can chat about it together and/or with the Coach.

[Whosbeensleeping]

For what it's worth, the coach sounds like a major fly in the ointment. Some therapists' own issues end up playing out with their clients and hurt rather than help them.

[slenderfish]

For what it's worth, the coach sounds like a major fly in the ointment. Some therapists' own issues end up playing out with their clients and hurt rather than help them.

Good point, but not the case here. I was keenly aware and concerned about this very issue and have a whole other string in this forum starting with Therapist Risk.

[slenderfish]

It would probably be a nice gesture if you read the suggested book also; and you guys can chat about it together and/or with the Coach.

Yes I should have noted that. Good catch, good point.

[BallSpanking]

Don't forget SW is creating expectations in Mr S, subdued though they may be. It may be SW will have to offer more than just promises of an eventual possibility' to come at a later point. Otherwise, I agree with her, Mr S may not have the patience to slowly court SW, wine and dine her until she feels ready at some undisclosed point in the future, or not. I am not sure, given the prior communications, that there are many men who would.

[slenderfish]

Don't forget SW is creating expectations in Mr S, subdued though they may be. It may be SW will have to offer more than just promises of an eventual possibility' to come at a later point. Otherwise, I agree with her, Mr S may not have the patience to slowly court SW, wine and dine her until she feels ready at some undisclosed point in the future, or not. I am not sure, given the prior communications, that there are many men who would.

This is ultimately the crux of the matter. She will need to find her greater desire at some point. That is something that either will show itself, or not. I do think fear of the unknown is figuring into the mix. Also ego, that is, fear of not being desired etc.

I suppose this is why the key is the right man. As they say, all it takes is the "right guy" to come along. Not sure how that happens.

We were hoping Mr. S is the right guy, but perhaps not in the way SW seems to be expecting at this point. Time will tell. If it doesn't work out with him (and I give it a 50/50 chance at this point, where "working out with him" is that they see each other this trip and plan to do again next time) then either she slides back or uses it as a learning opportunity.

This is getting ahead of ourselves.

We have party with Mr. B on Saturday night, and then a week and a half in prep for trip and a date with Mr. S. After these, we will then return to this conversation.

[coastalkid]

I don't know where Mr. S lives but I was just imagining the fun SW could have if he was at the party too. SW could lavish attention on him while Mr. B was with his "sure thing" a make certain he saw it. Maybe his "sure thing" might not be so sure and SW would get a kick out of putting in his face. Not too much, but just the right amount of woman scorned might light a little fire in her. Just my imagination, runnin' away with me!

[slenderfish]

I don't know where Mr. S lives but I was just imagining the fun SW could have if he was at the party too. SW could lavish attention on him while Mr. B was with his "sure thing" a make certain he saw it. Maybe his "sure thing" might not be so sure and SW would get a kick out of putting in his face. Not too much, but just the right amount of woman scorned might light a little fire in her. Just my imagination, runnin' away with me!

That would be fun but of course not happening because Mr. S lives two time zones away.

[54321]

Dear SW,

Thanks for the ebook link. I'll check it out.

A couple of pages ago I recommended two titles which, in my view, would be particularly helpful in that they are well researched and aren't just a collection of opinions and justifications. I found them the most informed information source on this subject so far.

If your wife is carrying worrisome baggage, she does not need a kink friendly therapist to deal with it. She is probably better off finding someone who is an effective therapist (not as easy as it sounds. She may have to shop around). There would be no need to mention hotwifing. All emotional baggage raises our stress levels but when a new challenge appears (in this case, hotwifing) the stress of the unknown adds to a stress level that is already a few degrees above baseline. If her earlier baggage were resolved, a more serene demeanour would be less disturbed by a new challenge.

She does however seem quite eager to go ahead. When she thoroughly enjoys herself, it will probably be your fault but with luck, some talking and a couple of tears, you will probably both get past that.

Good luck and best wishes,

54321

[slenderfish]

Dear SW,

Thanks for the ebook link. I'll check it out.

A couple of pages ago I recommended two titles which, in my view, would be particularly helpful in that they are well researched and aren't just a collection of opinions and justifications. I found them the most informed information source on this subject so far.

If your wife is carrying worrisome baggage, she does not need a kink friendly therapist to deal with it. She is probably better off finding someone who is an effective therapist (not as easy as it sounds. She may have to shop around). There would be no need to mention hotwifing. All emotional baggage raises our stress levels but when a new challenge appears (in this case, hotwifing) the stress of the unknown adds to a stress level that is already a few degrees above baseline. If her earlier baggage were resolved, a more serene demeanour would be less disturbed by a new challenge.

She does however seem quite eager to go ahead. When she thoroughly enjoys herself, it will probably be your fault but with luck, some talking and a couple of tears, you will probably both get past that.

Good luck and best wishes,

54321

I believe I ordered the books you recommended and they arrived yesterday. Gotta open the box to see.

Yes as to the therapy. I fully understand your point.

And I do agree with your final paragraph, which will show itself over the next few weeks and months, presumably. I'll continue to share as possible.

[54321]

I googled:

Erotic-Cuckolding-Real-Guide-Couples-ebook

And got a few options. One was a free download which I was wary of, and some titles on Amazon but they were all catering to the chastity, pegging, bisexual, humiliation market that neither of us are interested in (no disrespect to those who love it of course).

Could you give me something closer to the actual link?

54321

Here's a couple of webpages that you and SW might like:

http:// iplayhewaits. blogspot. co. uk

and

http:// incidentalhotwife. blogspot. co. uk

You'll need to edit out the spaces to get them to work as links

[afagehi7]

54321... I think those are a bit cucky... Unless SF wants to go cucky?