My story

[Lookingforadventure]

Hi friend. Give Henry a hug from me. That sucks!

My husband and I have a saying in this lifestyle that "you never know what's going on in the other end". Maybe this was a surprise to Kaci too. Maybe her husband had a sudden change of heart, or maybe there was some completely unrelated-to-your-husband event that happened and it triggered the veto.

Whatever is going on, it still hurts to be the one left behind. I'm sorry Henry is hurting. Hopefully 2023 will bring something happier to him. And hugs to you too as you see him hurting.

[SSQ]

I suspect it was a surprise to Kaci. Apparently 12 hours before the breakup text, she had sent him a cartoon she had drawn of the two of them together.

But that's my point- vetos really are unethical in my opinion. They reek of hierarchy and couples' privilege, and treat other partners as disposable. If Kaci's husband was having issues, there are many other ways to deal with them without damaging their marital relationship (because you can't tell me that forcing someone to end a relationship they want to continue won't have fallout), and hurting another person. Vetos are a convenient way to assert ones' primacy and to avoid dealing with emotional issues. They don't actually solve anything, in my opinion.

And before anyone starts to spin this off into well what if the other relationship is toxic etc... you have a PARTNER problem not a meta problem. The fact that your partner is okay being in a toxic relationship is much more of an issue that requires dealing with, and simply forcing an end to the relationship won't solve that problem; it just kicks the can down the road. It works much better to get your partner to wake up to the fact that the relationship is toxic and let them want to end it themselves.

That being said? There was literally nothing going on with Kaci and Henry that was problematic. SO when you say I don't know what's going on with the other end? You're absolutely right. But I strongly believe that is how it should be- their drama stays on their side and doesn't need to spill over. And they didn't need to take out casualties with the nuclear option.

I don't believe a sudden change of heart is an acceptable reason to hurt not only your partner but another person. You can ask to close to new partners, but cutting off an active relationship takes a special kind of selfishness. People need to realize that it's okay to have emotional issues sometimes. It's okay to ask your partner for support. But at the end of the day, having issues doesn't mean your partner needs to change their behaviour. Sometimes it means we work on our own issues rather than pushing them off onto others.

[jane]

i think everything you said makes sense

[parklife]

Oh, I didn't realize it has been so long since I updated! I guess the holidays were busy!

The board is a better place when you are actively participating in it.. in good time or trying ones, always enipy seeing you engaged.

That being said, sorry to hear…. Heartbreak is real and while we can always talk about doing what’s right for you and your relationship and stress the importance of making sure communication is open and being addressed at the marriage/partner level, this is a stark reminder that when adding another (be it lover, relationship partner or even as simple as a friend) brings a whole other element and complexity.

My wife lost her childhood friend because her husband continually drove a wedge between the two of them. He couldn’t handle their closeness (not physically, just their bond).

I don’t understand the ‘veto’ thing…. Like at all. It’s protectionist in the worst way…. It feels so “ownershippy”…. And to your point, it screams inability to communicate one’s fears, feelings and vulnerabilities. To each their own and if a couple has a ‘veto for any reason policy’, to each their own and I’m not here to judge.. but, internally, I’ll judge. I’ve come to really dislike “J” over the years but I recognize that (a) I only get one side of the story, my wife’s and (b) she needs to realize she doesn’t want it any longer, I can only be a sounding board. If she chooses to stay or at some point go back, that’s on her. I’m near to support, lend and ear and love her for who she is with me.

Sorry to hear and while hurtful, I hope he continues to grow and cherish the strong bond your extended family has provided.

[SSQ]

Oh, I didn't realize it has been so long since I updated! I guess the holidays were busy!

The board is a better place when you are actively participating in it.. in good time or trying ones, always enipy seeing you engaged.

That being said, sorry to hear…. Heartbreak is real and while we can always talk about doing what’s right for you and your relationship and stress the importance of making sure communication is open and being addressed at the marriage/partner level, this is a stark reminder that when adding another (be it lover, relationship partner or even as simple as a friend) brings a whole other element and complexity.

My wife lost her childhood friend because her husband continually drove a wedge between the two of them. He couldn’t handle their closeness (not physically, just their bond).

I don’t understand the ‘veto’ thing…. Like at all. It’s protectionist in the worst way…. It feels so “ownershippy”…. And to your point, it screams inability to communicate one’s fears, feelings and vulnerabilities. To each their own and if a couple has a ‘veto for any reason policy’, to each their own and I’m not here to judge.. but, internally, I’ll judge. I’ve come to really dislike “J” over the years but I recognize that (a) I only get one side of the story, my wife’s and (b) she needs to realize she doesn’t want it any longer, I can only be a sounding board. If she chooses to stay or at some point go back, that’s on her. I’m near to support, lend and ear and love her for who she is with me.

Sorry to hear and while hurtful, I hope he continues to grow and cherish the strong bond your extended family has provided.

Thank you, parklife- I appreciate the kind words

I'm so sorry to hear that your wife lost her friend. In a lot of ways that is no less painful and even more so than losing a romantic partner. I still hurt over the man I was close friends with for 12 years, and his girlfriend never said a thing about it until they got married. I went to their wedding, and then the next time I messaged him I was told that his wife didn't think it was appropriate for a married man to be close friends with a woman. And that was the last I heard from him. It's been quite a long time, and thinking about it still hurts.

I’m near to support, lend and ear and love her for who she is with me.

This is beautifully expressed and exactly how I feel. I don't want to hold my partners back; I want them to achieve their goals and dreams and find happiness in whatever way works for them. I want to be their biggest cheerleader while we walk on this journey together. I want them to feel the same freedom they give me, knowing that I am accepted and loved and supported for who I am.

Henry is having a hard time but he hasn't wanted to talk about it too much. I make sure to let him know that I'm here for him though. Today, being here for him involved an extended kinky romp while we had the house to ourselves, so that was fun

[SSQ]

Not too much going on here, lately- just life But honestly, my love life is pretty awesome, and so I have no complaints.

All three of us tend to get hit pretty hard with seasonal affective disorder, so my sex life tends to be slower in the winter. As long as we still make time for intimacy and fun, I'm good with that.

Henry hasn't seemed to be investing time into getting back out there looking for someone new, and I haven't been suggesting it. I figure he needs some time processing the hurt he had to deal with Kaci, and he'll start looking again when he's ready.

I still occasionally browse OKC, but I'm also not really sure that I have the time right now to invest in someone new, for anything beyond uber casual. I've been trying to focus more on myself lately. I guess turning 40 has made me do a lot of looking inward to figure out what I need, and I've been working towards that. Also, parenting a teenager is "fun" lol!

[SSQ]

I didn't realize it's been so long! Same old same old here... just living our lives My anniversary with Henry is coming up soon, 5 years married, 9 years together, end of May. And my anniversary with Charles is coming up soon, 5 years together in June. He and I are going away for a week to Mexico, I'm super excited for that! I try to travel once a year when there's not a pandemic and alternate which man I go with. We'd rather have separate time so we can focus on the individual dyads rather than try to share time when there's all that money to spend.

Henry met someone new organically about a month ago. He hadn't planned on looking but sometimes these things just happen, right? Turns out that she is the partner of someone he knew already from other hobbies, and they're definitely poly so hopefully none of the frustrations he has dealt with in the past. They haven't seen each other much yet but he's been talking about NRE. I'm glad he is happy, even if I really, really don't like that she is a smoker. But as long as he doesn't reek like an ashtray or take it up himself, it's not a me problem.

Kiddo's baseball season is starting and Charles wants to come out to see Kiddo play as well. He wasn't able to come out much last season so it didn't really end up being a thing but I'm just kinda waiting for someone to ask who is who. The last thing I want is to cause stress for Kiddo with his teammates so it's a little trickier, but it's also not fair to brush off Charles either, so I'm thinking of just going with a smile and everyone's family. I think most people will probably stop asking at that point (hopefully!). Kiddo says it doesn't matter to him because he doesn't see it as a secret (which is good) but I don't want people to treat him differently because of our choices. He loves Charles too at this point and considers him family. He's been living with us since summer 2020 and fulltime since May 2021 so it's been quite a while of us functioning as a unit.

[parklife]

The last thing I want is to cause stress for Kiddo with his teammates so it's a little trickier, but it's also not fair to brush off Charles either, so I'm thinking of just going with a smile and everyone's family. I think most people will probably stop asking at that point (hopefully!). Kiddo says it doesn't matter to him because he doesn't see it as a secret (which is good) but I don't want people to treat him differently because of our choices. He loves Charles too at this point and considers him family. He's been living with us since summer 2020 and fulltime since May 2021 so it's been quite a while of us functioning as a unit.

Always enjoy a SSQ update so thanks for checking in…

I think the younger generation is going to be so much more understanding and willing to accept people than their older parents/grandparents. Despite the news, I do think there is a growing acceptance of allowing people to live in heir lives as they choose.

We have a friend that is literally 100% platonic but he is about 10yrs older than us but he comes to all of our kids sporting events, school performances, ballet, etc.. we often wonder if people have other thoughts about his role in our lives but we’ve always just introduced him by name and people have never questioned anything else. They may have their own thoughts but no one has ever questioned. People would not assume he’s family (he’s black, we’re not) but no one has even asked how we know each other unless we’re in some other setting than our kids events. Focus is on the kids, not the fans.

Hope you enjoy a similar experience.

[Lookingforadventure]

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you are doing well, and I'm jealous of your upcoming vacation! Enjoy.

As for introducing Charles at baseball games, I'm with parklife. I suspect most people won't even ask, or will just assume he's a family friend.

[SSQ]

Funny that I was worried about things when apparently Kiddo doesn't care lol. In health class at school they were going over the sexual health curriculum, and one sentence in the handout said that a healthy relationship was monogamous. My kid put up his hand and argued the point and announced that his parents were poly!

To the health teacher's credit, apparently he immediately retracted that comment. Kiddo didn't give further details but he said his health teacher is good, so I'm glad he was listened to and not shut down. Also, apparently the kids in his class didn't even really understand what it was. Not sure how much more detail he gave but that's his choice. I just told him I didn't want him catching flack from our choices. Honestly though? He get exposed to mostly the benefits of polyamory. I love that he gets to see a lot of healthy relationship habits modeled in terms of communication and negotiation, and that he basically has an extra adult around who loves him and spends time with him. I think the only negative for him is that there is one more person to remind him to do his chores!

Charles hasn't made it out to a baseball game yet because he's had to work extra hours but he's planning to come tomorrow.

My anniversary with Henry was lovely. We picked up some treats from a local bakery and had a nice dinner out. Hoping to get some more quality time in soon but it's been busy!

[shadowtantra]

SSQ - What a heartwarming post - thank you for taking the time to share it. Kudos to all of you!

[Farmgirl]

Sounds like your son handled it very well, and mature .

[Lookingforadventure]

I'm so glad that it hasn't been an issue. You've raised a great kid.

[SSQ]

Man, just for shits and giggles, Henry and I watched an episode of TLC's Seeking Brother Husbands and what a dumpster fire that show is. And since it's the only experience many people get with polyamory I guess that's what they think of us

[ugcp]

Man, just for shits and giggles, Henry and I watched an episode of TLC's Seeking Brother Husbands and what a dumpster fire that show is. And since it's the only experience many people get with polyamory I guess that's what they think of us

I've not seen it, but that is why I get irritated by all those type of shows. They typically portray non-monogamy as dramatic, bizarre, and more often than not, tied to relatively extreme religious factors.

[SSQ]

Man, just for shits and giggles, Henry and I watched an episode of TLC's Seeking Brother Husbands and what a dumpster fire that show is. And since it's the only experience many people get with polyamory I guess that's what they think of us

I've not seen it, but that is why I get irritated by all those type of shows. They typically portray non-monogamy as dramatic, bizarre, and more often than not, tied to relatively extreme religious factors.

This one isn't religious but it really does paint the men in a bad light I think. The "original" husbands really do seem to be getting the short end of the stick and that's really not how it should be. And one couple is even trying to move to polyandry from cheating and the husband looks like he's trying to be on board but really isn't. I think that one is likely a total disaster en route but not sure I want to get invested enough to watch.

I joked with the boys that we are far too boring to be on a show like that. No one wants to watch healthy relationships with good communication, right? Our drama year was 2020 and thankfully we've managed to learn and grow a lot since then.

[SSQ]

Charles and I are leaving on Friday for Cancun! It's our 5 year anniversary and I can't wait to spend a week on the beach with him <3

Henry will be driving us to the airport and being a single parent for the week lol.

[Farmgirl]

Have fun!

[mrs_reese]

SSQ, I’m at section 22 of 59 and I want to take this moment to let you know that I absolutely adore you and your lifestyle!
I can’t stop reading your content!
Thank you for opening up your world to us!

[Sexilexi]

SSQ, I’m at section 22 of 59 and I want to take this moment to let you know that I absolutely adore you and your lifestyle!
I can’t stop reading your content!
Thank you for opening up your world to us!

I am commenting because i am wanting to read this as well. Yay!

-Lexi

[Sexilexi]

Charles and I are leaving on Friday for Cancun! It's our 5 year anniversary and I can't wait to spend a week on the beach with him <3

Henry will be driving us to the airport and being a single parent for the week lol.

Wow this is awesome!!!!!!!!!! Good luck and congrats and have a BLAST!!!!!!!!

-Lexi

[Lookingforadventure]

Charles and I are leaving on Friday for Cancun! It's our 5 year anniversary and I can't wait to spend a week on the beach with him <3

Henry will be driving us to the airport and being a single parent for the week lol.

Happy anniversary! I hope your vacation has been amazing.

[SSQ]

Hey y'all, Cancun was awesome!!! Charles and I got some gorgeous professional photos done. It's always bothered me that I have a gallery wall with wedding pictures with Henry and no photos posted with Charles. He's said it doesn't bother him because he isn't treated like he's unimportant, but it bothered ME so we decided to do something about it. I even got professional makeup done and wore a casual white romantic style dress so we'd at least get some of the same feel.

At our age? Five years in a serious relationship is a long time. If I could, I would marry him too. There isn't really any difference at this point I think but I just do wish we could formalize our commitment. That being said, it's more important to me than to him so I'm not going to worry about it.

We had an amazing time. The resort was beautiful and the food was surprisingly good for an all inclusive. We both wished we had booked a longer stay and we will next time.

As usual, I always do miss whoever I'm not with when something comes up that I know he would have loved. There were definitely moments where I was missing Henry but thankfully there was free wifi on the resort so we could stay in touch <3 When I'm away with Henry, I enjoy my time but also miss Charles. Just how it goes LOL.

[SSQ]

SSQ, I’m at section 22 of 59 and I want to take this moment to let you know that I absolutely adore you and your lifestyle!
I can’t stop reading your content!
Thank you for opening up your world to us!

Why thank you! LOL you're about to get to some interesting parts. It's all there though- the good, the bad, the ugly- and moving on beyond to even better <3 Sometimes life throws you curveballs!

[Sexilexi]

How amazing you two got photos done! That is awesome, I love reading that. I love your statements about missing the other when you’re around the other… hehe that is so sweet.

I’m so happy for you for real! Five years is an amazing accomplishment for sure!

Happy it was a blast!

-Lexi