My story

[samlowen]

Happy Birthday SSQ!

[early-kink]

Happy Birthday, SSQ !!! Many more !!

Just curious ………. what kind of experience thing for you and Henry?? White-water rafting kind of thing or something less dangerous??

[SSQ]

Thanks guys. It's been a pretty awesome birthday. I appreciate the well-wishes

Happy Birthday, SSQ !!! Many more !!

Just curious ………. what kind of experience thing for you and Henry?? White-water rafting kind of thing or something less dangerous??

Well, we were looking at that swing event in February. We're also considering a spa day, or maybe a Cirque show and a hotel stay. Something we can do together that also won't break the bank.

[SSQ]

Charles has been sick for the last week or so, poor guy. I'm not 100% sure he's coming for date night tonight and I'd rather not get sick if he isn't up to it. I miss him, though- it's been a week and I had life stuff eat my spare time and with him being sick we didn't get much time to talk since of course we couldn't see each other.

We normally have dinner together before Henry heads off to his night out with friends, and I have a special meal planned. We're having Seared Scallops with Butternut Squash Puree and Apple-Quinoa Salad, and a nice bottle of wine that one of my friends gave us for my birthday. I love seafood And it's always nice to share a decadent dinner with both my boys.

Either way, I'm anticipating a pretty low key night. Good food, great wine, and some cuddles and conversation. Yup, my poly life can be super exciting sometimes lol... and I like it that way! I even made a joke to Henry the other day that I've even gotten to that stage with Charles where he and I will occasionally have a quickie just cuz we're tired and don't feel up to putting a bunch of energy into sex but we want to have sex. LOL sounds like marital sex sometimes, eh? But reality means it can't always be those multihour marathons, even if that is what my boys and I all prefer!

[SSQ]

So Henry is getting a vasectomy tomorrow morning. It doesn't solve all our problems since I'll still need to use some sort of birth control even though I am fluid bonded with Charles, but at least it makes sure that Henry isn't going to accidentally get someone else pregnant! We talked about it a long time ago and I had told him that if he wanted more children, I'd be up for that, but that I wasn't interested in co-parenting a child I wasn't biologically related to along with him and another partner. Obviously, if he had already had one that would be different, but I wasn't open to it being a future type situation.

So, tomorrow he is getting snipped, poor guy. I hope the recovery isn't too difficult! And of course, cue all the jokes like well if I get pregnant at least now we will know whose it is! At this point though I am not interested in being pregnant again. I think I'm enjoying having an older kid and more freedom. I would have liked to have more, but it is what it is and I'm okay with that.

[samlowen]

Tell him to take the pain pills right away after the procedure to stay ahead of the throbbing pain. Ice will be his friend and after 48 hours or so he should be in pretty good shape. It’s a great time to throw on his favorite pair of sweats and catch up on any movies or shows he likes. It’s a piece of cake procedure.

[Whosbeensleeping]

The operation is a snip, I mean snap, but the recovery is a bit of a bitch! Lots of black and purple. Sorry Henry :/

[kuddles]

When I had mine their was no discoloring or pain. Guess we are all different.

[SSQ]

Henry is still sore but there doesn't seem to be bruising. We've been taking it easy and I've been looking after him. Charles came over for a visit yesterday and Henry joked that it was his turn to take one for the team because I was horny lol. Fortunately, Charles was up to the task

[monagamous_now]

I had mine while I was in the army. Returned to duty a few days post-op - and one of my soldiers popped off, "We had an orgy over the weekend, sarge. We didn't invite you cuz we heard you couldn't come!"

[solstice]

Do you think this is an act confirming his of his love and dedication for you, It would give me a feeling of emasculation.

[SSQ]

Do you think this is an act confirming his of his love and dedication for you, It would give me a feeling of emasculation.

It has nothing to do with anything but that we've decided not to have any more children. If I get pregnant and my birth control has failed, I control the outcome. If he has sex with another woman and she gets pregnant, she controls the outcome. Since we don't want to raise any more children, this is the responsible thing to do.

I have an IUD in which I have decided to keep since it controls my periods. Not only is a tubal ligation major surgery but then I'd get periods again. Also, it wouldn't solve the issue of worrying about him getting another woman pregnant since we are open on both sides.

[solstice]

Thanks you for your full and candid answer, I have to say that my question was too intrusive, hope I did not cause you pain: It's too easy for someone on the outside, to look at decisions by a person in a different life style, and view things from a narrow perspective..

[SSQ]

No worries, but I appreciate that you considered if it was intrusive I'm pretty plain-spoken if you hadn't noticed, so I'm okay with people asking and if you're out of line, I'll say so.

I agree with you 100% that it's not easy to look at things outside of our own frame of reference and I strongly believe it benefits everyone to consider other perspectives even if they don't resonate with us, just because broadening our own perspective helps bring personal growth.

[SSQ]

I've been SO horny lately. I even woke up this morning dreaming about starring in a video called Porn with Friends (how original lol) where one of the clips had a guy wearing a hand knitted green Cthulhu mask, and the other had a tongue the size of an arm.

Apparently I really need some satisfaction! Charles and I had a lovely time on Sunday but we were both tired on Tuesday and so we cuddled and hung out but didn't have sex, and Henry is still on restrictions. I won't see Charles until next week, either- holiday stuff is making things busy for him both with work and with his other friends. I don't really like the once a week thing but that's not how it is most of the time, so it'll be okay I'm sure. He calls much more often now too

But in the meantime, what's a girl to do? Sigh.

[early-kink]

SSQ - Welllllllll ……. you could enlist one, two, three or more of us REALLY SHY guys on here to assist in whatever ways we can ……………….

Just joshing with you SSQ!! If this comment got even a smile on you - it was worth typing it. We could talk seductively dirty to you from a distance!! Not gutter-trashy, but steamingly hot and tempting to make your breathing a bit deeper!!

Maybe envision a "picket fence" of naked guys, all toned and "at the ready." Fuel for your next dream???

[SSQ]

SSQ - Welllllllll ……. you could enlist one, two, three or more of us REALLY SHY guys on here to assist in whatever ways we can ……………….

Just joshing with you SSQ!! If this comment got even a smile on you - it was worth typing it. We could talk seductively dirty to you from a distance!! Not gutter-trashy, but steamingly hot and tempting to make your breathing a bit deeper!!

Maybe envision a "picket fence" of naked guys, all toned and "at the ready." Fuel for your next dream???

LOL, are you sure you know what kinds of things would make my breathing deeper?

[samlowen]

I vote for taking you to a higher elevation on a vacation somewhere in the mountains where the air is thinner.

[early-kink]

SSQ - I'm WAY TOO SHY to even hazard a guess as to how to make you breathe harder !!! Sam has an idea though ……………. ^^^^

I'm going to hide in the corner now ……………. Cheers, SSQ!!!

[afagehi7]

SSQ - Welllllllll ……. you could enlist one, two, three or more of us REALLY SHY guys on here to assist in whatever ways we can ……………….

Just joshing with you SSQ!! If this comment got even a smile on you - it was worth typing it. We could talk seductively dirty to you from a distance!! Not gutter-trashy, but steamingly hot and tempting to make your breathing a bit deeper!!

Maybe envision a "picket fence" of naked guys, all toned and "at the ready." Fuel for your next dream???

LOL, are you sure you know what kinds of things would make my breathing deeper?

It would be interesting to have you tell us. For us non bsdm folks I sure bet it would be educational.

[SSQ]

I vote for taking you to a higher elevation on a vacation somewhere in the mountains where the air is thinner.

I vote for taking me on vacation period. I love to travel. It's one of the things I do miss from my exH's career- that he had to travel so much for work and so I often went with him since it was free or cheap.

Budget generally doesn't stretch that far, sadly. That's why I enjoyed that trip with Charles so much this past summer. I doubt we'll be able to do it again this year but a girl can dream.

[afagehi7]

As for her lack of communication, what we don't know is whether early's wife is stone cold towards all communication or just sex. If it's all communication, I'm not sure how they stay married.

This is true. Some people seem to manage it, though. Look at all the people who say they can't get their wives to talk about their fantasies, or the husbands who post here who can't figure out how to tell their wives theirs. We see so many posts that involve terrible communication every day here on OHW and it makes me really wonder what the inside of those marriages are like. I didn't have great communication with my ex-husband and what I have now with Henry is night and day.

There are still times where we ask each other to temporarily shelve an issue, if we aren't up for discussing it immediately. But if it's important to one of us, we make sure to set a time period so we can discuss it. Making sure we both feel heard is a major priority for us and we have set up several methods to ensure that clear communication is a priority for both of us. I could elaborate further but I feel that I'm derailing the thread at this point. Ask me in mine if you like.

I think the husbands who won't tell their wife are just afraid. We should be able to share with our SO... perhaps tamed down a bit.

Shelfing and issue is an interesting way to think about it. I often do this but never thought of it as shelfing. Usually I want to make sure I am calm. When I communicate with my wife, it's always a fight. If I tell her how I feel about something she turns it into an argument so I usually keep my mouth shut until it's important. I'll tell her that I am not fighting but telling her how I feel about a situation but she doesn't even want to understand my feelings but argue they are wrong somehow.

How do y'all shelf and do your thing?

[SSQ]

As for her lack of communication, what we don't know is whether early's wife is stone cold towards all communication or just sex. If it's all communication, I'm not sure how they stay married.

This is true. Some people seem to manage it, though. Look at all the people who say they can't get their wives to talk about their fantasies, or the husbands who post here who can't figure out how to tell their wives theirs. We see so many posts that involve terrible communication every day here on OHW and it makes me really wonder what the inside of those marriages are like. I didn't have great communication with my ex-husband and what I have now with Henry is night and day.

There are still times where we ask each other to temporarily shelve an issue, if we aren't up for discussing it immediately. But if it's important to one of us, we make sure to set a time period so we can discuss it. Making sure we both feel heard is a major priority for us and we have set up several methods to ensure that clear communication is a priority for both of us. I could elaborate further but I feel that I'm derailing the thread at this point. Ask me in mine if you like.

I think the husbands who won't tell their wife are just afraid. We should be able to share with our SO... perhaps tamed down a bit.

Shelfing and issue is an interesting way to think about it. I often do this but never thought of it as shelfing. Usually I want to make sure I am calm. When I communicate with my wife, it's always a fight. If I tell her how I feel about something she turns it into an argument so I usually keep my mouth shut until it's important. I'll tell her that I am not fighting but telling her how I feel about a situation but she doesn't even want to understand my feelings but argue they are wrong somehow.

How do y'all shelf and do your thing?

We have a couple of strategies. The first we got from the book Living M/s (an excellent book even if you don't have a D/s relationship), and it's called Porch Time. Basically, it doesn't have to be a porch, but it's a quiet place where either partner can ask to go right away to talk or vent with no recriminations. There is no defending oneself during porch time- it is always always always a safe space to vent and to listen to your partner. When both partners are calm, that's when productive discussion of an issue can happen.

We also specifically request consent before discussing a topic that could be emotional or involved. We never ambush each other or suddenly drop a topic. We say, I have an issue we need to discuss. Is now a good time? And the other person if they aren't feeling up to it will say, now isn't a good time, I am tired/distracted/whatever, can we do this on X date? And then we can discuss it when we're both mentally able to be present and proactive. It's not fair to dump a heavy issue on your partner when they can't devote time to it- either to you or to them because the odds of actually solving the problem reduce exponentially.

There is a big difference between that and walking away from an angry/upset partner. I recognize that there seem to be two camps of people; ones who get worked up during a fight and ones who need to retreat/calm down. The problem is that if you don't pay specific issue to that problem it can significantly worsen the marital bond. It was one of the worst problems I had with my ex husband Mark. I'd get upset and he would literally walk away from me and tell me we could talk when I calmed down. That is one of the worst ways to dismiss someone's emotions out of hand and invalidate them as a human being. It's totally okay to disagree with someone's thoughts. The difference is in how you handle that. If you love and care for someone, then you can support them through difficult feelings even if you don't agree with them. Validation is the most important part of listening, and validation doesn't mean agreement. It just means you are hearing someone and care for them.

Feelings are never wrong. They're just the equivalent of emotional weather and they will pass. Actions based on feelings can be wrong. Thoughts can be wrong. Feelings are just feelings. What's important to remember is that you're a team and that you want to solve problems as a team. Your partner is not your enemy, even if they're doing something you think is wrong. You just have to figure the best way to solve things for the team.

Always always always person first. Remember that this is someone you love who is upset or hurting. Person and feelings. Then solving the problem. For that matter, solving the problem might just be listening. It's always good to ask your partner what their desired outcome is. Maybe they literally just want you to listen. Maybe they have a solution in mind already that will need to be discussed. But trying to solve when someone just wants to be heard is just as bad as tuning out. It's also pretty arrogant, too. Think about it- someone is obviously been thinking about an issue enough to get upset about it, they've probably been thinking about options. If you think you can just waltz in after 5 minutes and solve it for them, you're seriously implying that they aren't smart enough to work out their own solution and that's both rude and arrogant. Immediately presenting someone with a solution is generally a poorly received option unless they're asking you for one.

So remember- First make sure both partners are ready and willing to particupate in a loaded conversation. Then, respect the person, listen to their feelings, ask what they want from you, then go to potential solutions.

[afagehi7]

Luckily we don't have major issues. If we did I doubt it would last. It's almost always small stuff and I am thankful for that. We've managed to make it through the major issues in the past... Somehow. Eventually one of us has always done the right thing. I gave up on the sex life talk as nothing changed and it just caused problems. In this case, I accepted and let it go

[early-kink]

SSQ - Bravo!! I've been both a victim of bad, rude, dismissive behavior - and a perpetrator. It took me a while and lots of calm, clear thinking to realize my mistakes. Ditto for my wife. Stepping back to clearly see & think is critical, I believe.

Your thoughts on relationships/communication are very helpful to anyone, regardless of whether they're into hotwifing or not.