Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[Gardener]

Thanks HelloPeaches. I will find the right time to bring it up. I think she would appreciate input from other women.

[2inUPMichigan]

This is a question particularly for 2inUPMichigan, but I encourage other hotwives to comment.

In a post on June 7, you were commenting to LifeIsFun about a gentleman that she only saw one time, and then he faded away. You said you had a similar experience and, “Do I regret my experience with him? No it really was good - but I wish I had known that it was going to be only one time, I might have made some different choices.”

My question to you is, what different choice would you have made? Would you have decided not to see him at all, or would you have done something different with him?

I appreciate all the hotwives that comment on this thread!

I had to think about my answer a bit ....
Looking back I don't regret the experience but at the same time I feel that he misled me into thinking it would be an ongoing FWB relationship.
I see two paths with him. If he had been honest with me I could have made a choice. Either not ever meet up with him. (1st choice) That one would have eliminated a lot of my confusion that lingered when he kept in touch for months but wouldn't commit to another meeting.
(2nd choice) I could have been the one to decide if I wanted to go into it eyes wide open and have that one night stand. I might have stayed longer with him and explored a little more of the thoughts racing through my mind. His approach to play was unique and If i had known that was my only chance to explore that dynamic i might have been more adventurous.

Which choice would I have made? I don't know??

[2inUPMichigan]

How many of you hot wives have vanilla friends that you think would love being a hot wife if they tried it? As a follow up, do any of you have a close confidant girlfriend that you see in person that you talk about your lifestyle with? Did any of you have a friend that helped you decide to become or be more comfortable about or influenced you in any way about becoming a hot wife? Lastly, do most of your friends have a "traditional" lifestyle?

No, no, no, yes


Although I have told one friend I don't really talk to her about it. I come here where there are other women that understand. It's not exactly something that is easy to be open about.
Everyone except the 2 people that know in our vanilla life think we are the typical "traditional" couple.

[coastalkid]

No, no, no, yes


Although I have told one friend I don't really talk to her about it. I come here where there are other women that understand. It's not exactly something that is easy to be open about.
Everyone except the 2 people that know in our vanilla life think we are the typical "traditional" couple.

Thanks for your reply 2inUP! As a male I have no idea of the degree to which women are open to one another which is why I ask. Personal things remain personal regardless of gender I suppose. I have always believed that friends are influential in peoples lives. I have always wanted my wife to have a friend that wasn't as conservative as the group she has now. I wouldn't want or expect said friend to convince her but rather to affirm that real people do this. I have expressed to my wife that I would be interested in her having the experience of a different partner for sex. She of course rejected the idea however she does use it when we have sex to stimulate me. I do recognize this and tell her that I appreciate her effort to incorporate my fantasy in some way even though she doesn't agree. I can't help but think that from me the idea is crazy but from a trusted friend it's conceivable. Something must trip a wife's mind to make the decision to commit (one way or another)!

[2inUPMichigan]

No, no, no, yes


Although I have told one friend I don't really talk to her about it. I come here where there are other women that understand. It's not exactly something that is easy to be open about.
Everyone except the 2 people that know in our vanilla life think we are the typical "traditional" couple.

Thanks for your reply 2inUP! As a male I have no idea of the degree to which women are open to one another which is why I ask. Personal things remain personal regardless of gender I suppose. I have always believed that friends are influential in peoples lives. I have always wanted my wife to have a friend that wasn't as conservative as the group she has now. I wouldn't want or expect said friend to convince her but rather to affirm that real people do this. I have expressed to my wife that I would be interested in her having the experience of a different partner for sex. She of course rejected the idea however she does use it when we have sex to stimulate me. I do recognize this and tell her that I appreciate her effort to incorporate my fantasy in some way even though she doesn't agree. I can't help but think that from me the idea is crazy but from a trusted friend it's conceivable. Something must trip a wife's mind to make the decision to commit (one way or another)!

For me personally it would not influence me one way or the other if someone I knew was a hotwife. I have never been one that based my decisions on someone else's decisions. I make the right decisions for me. My friends might be sounding boards but we certainly don't copy each other nor do I look to them to validate my decisions. It is more of a chance to talk things out then go back and make my own decision. (Hopefully that made sense)

I tend to have friends with a variety of viewpoints and I accept their right to their own views but that does not sway me on mine.
My decision wasn't based on someone else's opinion- that isn't my style.

[HelloPeaches]

Thanks HelloPeaches. I will find the right time to bring it up. I think she would appreciate input from other women.

Hi @Gardner, I also highly recommend this book: Untrue by Wednesday Martin - I love this book. It's about female sexuality - and primarily female infidelity. It allowed me to examine my own sexuality in context of biology and culture. You might like it too!

[HelloPeaches]

How many of you hot wives have vanilla friends that you think would love being a hot wife if they tried it? As a follow up, do any of you have a close confidant girlfriend that you see in person that you talk about your lifestyle with? Did any of you have a friend that helped you decide to become or be more comfortable about or influenced you in any way about becoming a hot wife? Lastly, do most of your friends have a "traditional" lifestyle?

I’m going to try to answer this in a general way. My family are very conservative. The thought of them finding out about my ‘hotwifery’ used to stress me out. And it would be a total stressor if they found out today, but I know I could deal. My BFF knows and is not judgy. She’s the only person whom I’ve ever disclosed this to outside of my hubby. (She is not a hotwife.) All of my friends have fairly vanilla lifestyles as far as I know. IF everyone around me were conservative and judgmental, would it affect my decisions to ‘hotwife,’ as it were? Yes. Culture, family, social circles matter. For many people, they inform our actions and decisions at least to some degree. Some women find it easer than others to override the cultural narrative and do what pleases them. It has not been that easy for me, but I recognize my personal desires, turn-ons; as well as those of my husband. Hope this helps. -Peaches

[Odie]

Hello all. I’m new, only posted a few times. My gf
Agreed to go on a date with a guy. Gave him a hand job and he fingered her. She squirted all over. Loved it.
Then guilt and remorse and a little resentment.
That all went away. But she says she doesn’t want to do that kind of thing anymore. And. Still go out and maybe get drinks with him. But no sex.
Won’t the guy be confused? And bail?
And is she just afraid? Or what is happening please.
A woman’s incite is needed. Thank you all very much.

[Gardener]

Thanks HelloPeaches. I will find the right time to bring it up. I think she would appreciate input from other women.

Hi @Gardner, I also highly recommend this book: Untrue by Wednesday Martin - I love this book. It's about female sexuality - and primarily female infidelity. It allowed me to examine my own sexuality in context of biology and culture. You might like it too!

Thanks Hellopeaches. I heard Wednesday Martin discuss this book on Chris Ryan's podcast and I found the talk really interesting. So I think we need to check it out. We recently read Sex At Dawn which sparked a lot of conversations.

[coastalkid]

How many of you hot wives have vanilla friends that you think would love being a hot wife if they tried it? As a follow up, do any of you have a close confidant girlfriend that you see in person that you talk about your lifestyle with? Did any of you have a friend that helped you decide to become or be more comfortable about or influenced you in any way about becoming a hot wife? Lastly, do most of your friends have a "traditional" lifestyle?

I’m going to try to answer this in a general way. My family are very conservative. The thought of them finding out about my ‘hotwifery’ used to stress me out. And it would be a total stressor if they found out today, but I know I could deal. My BFF knows and is not judgy. She’s the only person whom I’ve ever disclosed this to outside of my hubby. (She is not a hotwife.) All of my friends have fairly vanilla lifestyles as far as I know. IF everyone around me were conservative and judgmental, would it affect my decisions to ‘hotwife,’ as it were? Yes. Culture, family, social circles matter. For many people, they inform our actions and decisions at least to some degree. Some women find it easer than others to override the cultural narrative and do what pleases them. It has not been that easy for me, but I recognize my personal desires, turn-ons; as well as those of my husband. Hope this helps. -Peaches

Thank you for your response. Culture, family and social circles have definitely shown their impact on my wife's thinking. She definitely adheres to the cultural narrative of conservative sexual norms. As do all of her friends (as far as I know). The risk of public perception seems to be stronger than the freedom allowed from complete transparency, even when it comes to close friends. So, it seems that women don't really talk about sex with their friends any more than men do (in general).

If I were to turn this question around on myself and qualify it by saying I was in a successful open marriage I would have to say I don't have any friend I would feel safe in revealing myself to or to discuss things at length with either. Neither do I suspect anyone I know to have this or a similar lifestyle to ask questions of or be influenced by. Culturally it's not a natural discussion.

Thank you for saying it would be a very stressful thing if your family were to find out today about your sex life. While it may be nice when you're in the car all by yourself to say, "Fuck 'em! I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks!". I can't imagine it's as easy in practice as it is in theory. I admire you for going against convention yet being aware of the possible unfair judgement by single minded people. Thanks!

[HelloPeaches]

Thanks Hellopeaches. I heard Wednesday Martin discuss this book on Chris Ryan's podcast and I found the talk really interesting. So I think we need to check it out. We recently read Sex At Dawn which sparked a lot of conversations.

Sex at Dawn was an awesome book! I think you will like Untrue.

[HelloPeaches]

Hi @coastalkid, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I wanted to think about it and talk with Hubby before responding to specific thoughts in your post:

The risk of public perception seems to be stronger than the freedom allowed from complete transparency, even when it comes to close friends.
//Well said. This is the problem when we are raised/trained to automatically conform to cultural constraints rather than to think for ourselves and make free choices. //

If I were to turn this question around on myself and qualify it by saying I was in a successful open marriage I would have to say I don't have any friend I would feel safe in revealing myself to or to discuss things at length with either. Neither do I suspect anyone I know to have this or a similar lifestyle to ask questions of or be influenced by. Culturally it's not a natural discussion.

//I agree. This is the situation for most of us, and - like @2inUPMichigan said - this is why sites like this fill an important role. When my husband found ourhotwives.org – over 10 years ago now – it helped him feel like he wasn’t a crazy person/total deviant.//

Thank you for saying it would be a very stressful thing if your family were to find out today about your sex life. While it may be nice when you're in the car all by yourself to say, "Fuck 'em! I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks!". I can't imagine it's as easy in practice as it is in theory. I admire you for going against convention yet being aware of the possible unfair judgement by single minded people. Thanks!

//I totally agree. It was important for hubby and me (especially me) to discuss how I would react if my family found my online dating profile, etc. even though the chances are quite low. Please understand that I have been – very un-admiralty – constrained by (my perception of) public perception. It takes effort to put my own desires first, when they so explicitly do not match cultural expectations.//

[coastalkid]

First off thank you for your patience and understanding in answering everyone's questions here. I have cringed myself at some of the questions men have asked here. I worry because sometimes I think some questions are asked just to stir the pot and that fucks it up for clueless guys like me asking for a legitimate explanation. So, I do sincerely thank all of you and I appreciate the differences among you that I have begun to learn and that make each of you unique.

The wife of a good friend of mine (strictly vanilla) is a singer in several bands. She is 60 and about 5'6" and maybe 100 lbs. She is attractive to me (maybe a little thinner than I like but) and has a wonderful, kind personality. She's not a hot wife and I would never anticipate she would be. She recently had some cosmetic surgery done secretly (only a small group know) because she felt insecure about her looks. She was feeling that younger, prettier girls were out there and she would lose her viability because of her age. I was surprised but understood. She needed it to feel like she could compete, she was to that point.

My own wife has gained weight over the years and is very self conscious of her looks. She broke an ankle years ago and there is a permanent swelling on it that makes her not want to wear anything that would show it. Between the weight and age she doesn't see herself as "sexy". I've always told her I love her body and all the joy it gives me and that it's the person inside that body that is attractive. It's sad that she make me feel like my opinion of her is without merit because I'm obliged to say so. All I can do is any time she mentions it I always rebut with my attraction to her. Her own lack of confidence in her appearance is obvious to a spouse she has confessed it to and avoids the subject if at all possible.

So, between my friends wife and my wife, insecurity regarding looks especially for an older woman is a formidable block even in the vanilla world. Applying it to the hot wife world it seems an even larger hurdle. Surely many of you have faced the same personal critique and felt lacking as well. How did you work through that? After having successful hot wife encounters did you change the way you saw yourself in terms of desirability? Did you learn to focus away from your self perceived flaws and concentrate on your qualities? Is it as big an issue now as it was when you started?

Thanks!

[2inUPMichigan]

First off thank you for your patience and understanding in answering everyone's questions here. I have cringed myself at some of the questions men have asked here. I worry because sometimes I think some questions are asked just to stir the pot and that fucks it up for clueless guys like me asking for a legitimate explanation. So, I do sincerely thank all of you and I appreciate the differences among you that I have begun to learn and that make each of you unique.

The wife of a good friend of mine (strictly vanilla) is a singer in several bands. She is 60 and about 5'6" and maybe 100 lbs. She is attractive to me (maybe a little thinner than I like but) and has a wonderful, kind personality. She's not a hot wife and I would never anticipate she would be. She recently had some cosmetic surgery done secretly (only a small group know) because she felt insecure about her looks. She was feeling that younger, prettier girls were out there and she would lose her viability because of her age. I was surprised but understood. She needed it to feel like she could compete, she was to that point.

My own wife has gained weight over the years and is very self conscious of her looks. She broke an ankle years ago and there is a permanent swelling on it that makes her not want to wear anything that would show it. Between the weight and age she doesn't see herself as "sexy". I've always told her I love her body and all the joy it gives me and that it's the person inside that body that is attractive. It's sad that she make me feel like my opinion of her is without merit because I'm obliged to say so. All I can do is any time she mentions it I always rebut with my attraction to her. Her own lack of confidence in her appearance is obvious to a spouse she has confessed it to and avoids the subject if at all possible.

So, between my friends wife and my wife, insecurity regarding looks especially for an older woman is a formidable block even in the vanilla world. Applying it to the hot wife world it seems an even larger hurdle. Surely many of you have faced the same personal critique and felt lacking as well. How did you work through that? After having successful hot wife encounters did you change the way you saw yourself in terms of desirability? Did you learn to focus away from your self perceived flaws and concentrate on your qualities? Is it as big an issue now as it was when you started?

Thanks!

Always a difficult issue!
I'm tall and curvy, it's the way that I am built. I'll never be skinny and that's fine with me, but it isn't always fine with the rest of the world that judges based on first impression.
As far as a husband's opinion.....well he is not only biased, he knows his wife as a whole person so he isn't just looking at her physical appearance he is seeing her inner beauty shining through.

Before getting serious about putting up a profile I made an effort to lose about 15lbs. That made me feel more confident and less self conscious. I had no idea if there would be any men that would be interested in me that I would be interested in also.
What have I discovered? That there are a lot of men out there....and different men like different things in women. So that means there are men that respond very positively to my body type - shocked me LOL
I was never insecure that men wouldn't like me as a person, after all the main focus of this is on sex. Based on my regular FWB'S responses I had nothing to worry about
I feel more comfortable showing off my body in clothes and out of them when I am around him because of the feedback he gives me.
I still notice that I am curvy when I look in the mirror but now I smile because I know there are men that want to enjoy those curves!!

[coastalkid]

I still notice that I am curvy when I look in the mirror but now I smile because I know there are men that want to enjoy those curves!!

Thanks for the reply 2inUP! I'm one of those guys that LOVE curves! I'm actually turned off by skinny women especially the ones the think they are overweight. I remember your pictures in your Hotties thread viewtopic.php?f=9&t=54007&start=75 and thinking you're absolutely the shape I love! It's a shame that our culture is so obsessed with being thin. I believe it's an unfair burden on people that inhibits them being comfortable with themselves and being able to enjoy their bodies.

Any other VHW's that struggle/d with self-image? How has that changed for you if it has as a Hot Wife?

Thanks again 2inUP you luscious looking thing you!

[HelloPeaches]

Any other VHW's that struggle/d with self-image? How has that changed for you if it has as a Hot Wife?

I'm going to basically reiterate what @2inUPMichigan said - Yes - I have my own issues with body image. It still comes up for me from time to time whether it's buying a bikini or thinking about having sex with a stranger. But one thing I have learned from hotwifing is that Men Like Women's Bodies - real women's bodies. Men are not as picky/judgmental as many women think they are/as I thought they were before I started hotwifing. One of my friends was lamenting that her husband watches too much porn, and she basically felt he must be judging her (poorly) against porn actresses. I tried to tell her that men just like women's bodies and that he likely thinks she's just as sexy or more sexy than the porn stars. I don't know if she believed me, but I KNOW this! In approaching hotwifing - Once you get over that initial hurdle of stressing out about body image, it's a pretty big confidence booster to have different, sexy men tell me and show me that they think I'm sexy; plus my hubby is turned on by me having sex with them... Bonus confidence booster!

[coastalkid]

I don't know if she believed me, but I KNOW this! In approaching hotwifing - Once you get over that initial hurdle of stressing out about body image, it's a pretty big confidence booster to have different, sexy men tell me and show me that they think I'm sexy; plus my hubby is turned on by me having sex with them... Bonus confidence booster!

This is it right here! That moment that a wife decides to let go of her previous worries and focus her attention on the reality of men liking ALL types of women seems to be a real turning point. I imagine in is breath taking to witness your wife smiling and confident and oh so aware of her potential! Thanks HelloPeaches!

[txchaparrita]

Hello ladies. I have a question that I hope some of you would comment on.

Is it important for you that your bull have daily communication with you?

Is it only up to the bull to initiate this communication or should the hotwife also initiate communication with the bull to demonstrate continued interest?

[2inUPMichigan]

Hello ladies. I have a question that I hope some of you would comment on.

Is it important for you that your bull have daily communication with you?

Is it only up to the bull to initiate this communication or should the hotwife also initiate communication with the bull to demonstrate continued interest?

I have a few men that I am talking to but I will refer to my FWB that I see monthly when I answer. I don't expect to hear from him daily because we both have our own lives to live. In fact it would feel a bit intrusive if I did hear from him every day - but that is just me. We do text often .....a couple times a week and it can be either one of us that initiates the contact.
I know that in the beginning he preferred that I reach out when I wanted to see him but because of the distance and the fact that he has to arrange his schedule to travel up here he does occasionally initiate play date scheduling.

I think it really depends on the dynamic between the hotwife and the man she plays with and how they interact.
Maybe it is different for those hotwives that play with men that identify as bulls? The men that I play with do not identify themselves as bulls.

[txchaparrita]

Thank you 2inUPMichigan for replying to my question.

I recently met a hotwife and her stag and it seems we might see each other several times. I'm just unsure how much communication I should have with her. They say they like constant communication but I don't want to be too intrusive. I allow them to contact me to set up play dates.

Thank you again for your reply.

[cougar4cubs]

How do you access the ladies forum for vhws only? I sent the requested info to allengt earlier this month, but don’t know if I’m verified yet. Help please!

[2inUPMichigan]

How do you access the ladies forum for vhws only? I sent the requested info to allengt earlier this month, but don’t know if I’m verified yet. Help please!

If you didn't hear back from him try again- it looks like he was on earlier today.

[cougar4cubs]

Thanks 2inUPMichigan! I contacted him again. Fingers crossed that I'll be verified soon

[Martamlg]

Hello ladies. I have a question that I hope some of you would comment on.

Is it important for you that your bull have daily communication with you?

Is it only up to the bull to initiate this communication or should the hotwife also initiate communication with the bull to demonstrate continued interest?

I suppose that it may be diferent on each couple. I like to have "long term boyfriends" so some frequent communication is hoped. But not too much of course, because I have a job, a husband and a life.

Martamlg

[rudemood999]

Is picture taking always necessary?