To any woman considering this

[zumiruni]

*If there are actually any reading this. Because let’s be real, this is mostly a circle jerk of men on opposite sides of the same coin*

Don’t do it. Almost two years of exploring this and from my experience most of the trepidations and assumptions are most likely true.

Why does your husband want you to sleep with other men? Decrease whatever your most dramatic psychological evaluation of your husband’s desires by 10% and that’s probably your answer.

What kind of man would get a kick out of fucking other people’s wives? Decrease whatever your most dramatic psychological assumption of what kind of psyche craves that by 20% (little extra room for error, you know your husband better) and that’s probably your answer.

Even with a loving husband and a non-sociopathic bull, you are still a pawn in their game of insecurity vs ego where they’re both playing for both teams. Maybe that bothers some less than it bothers me. I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous of women who can turn the game into a feeling of empowerment. Can keep it casual enough to brush it off with the flip of a switch. What I learned is that there is not really room for a woman who needs actual connection for satisfying sex, who is thoughtful and a little bit tender, to fit into the game. It feels like walking on egg shells in both directions. My husband wanted to be submissive but there were landmines and sore spots that were tricky to navigate. My… *eye roll for the term but what else is there to say* “bull” liked me fragile but didn’t have the capacity for emotional aftercare. Be dominant with me - your husband - but know exactly when to turn it off. Lose yourself in pleasure, but do it the way I like it. Then - be soft and open, show me your holes, give yourself to me - your bull - but don’t expect anything in return. This is not dichotomy. This is reconstructing some parts while putting a lockbox on others to fit the preference of the room. This is not female empowerment. This is a ball on a string in a game of tether ball. At least it feels good to be spanked occasionally. It turns out my least stressful experiences were with people who were regular people not playing any games, just doing something different with their relationships.

I have been one to talk about how doing this opens up so much dialogue between husband and wife and supercharges a sex life. But it’s also opened up plenty of difficult discussions that just don’t really reach resolution. And sexual energy in a long term relationship ebbs and flows as usual. Whatever small fringe benefit there is to be gained is really unnecessary in a healthy marriage. I thought I would have been able to say at the end of this that I met people and had experiences that enriched my life in a really unique way. Mostly I’m left just feeling kind of crazy, gaslit, cheap. Like my entire belief system was uprooted for… what? Adding numbers to a body count? Did I imagine things? Was it unrealistic to expect a closing that honored the experience? In the end, it just wasn’t worth it.

I try my best not to kink shame. I’m a guys girl, tomboy from a young age, appreciate crude humor, in group settings can usually be found playing games with the guys rather than talking shit with the girls. I really like men, I deeply love you fuckers. And - my honest assessment of exercising this extreme male driven fantasy is that it’s a huge mind fuck with potential to cause real damage. I think it’s irresponsible of any part of the triad to go into it without working on personal issues. That maybe - probably - instead of coming to your wife again and again asking her to fulfill a fantasy she’s uncomfortable with, it’s a much healthier decision for your marriage to locate your baggage (we all have it, don’t act like it’s not there) and examine it. I don’t really know what to say about the bull side of the equation. There’s no obligation there to anyone. I guess you get your rocks, no strings, walk away from complications, and no one can have any expectations or make any accusations. You maintain complete control. Is it a firewall or a house of cards? I don’t want to knock it down. But it hurts to get fingers slammed in a half open door.

This was my experience. There’s a million different ways to do it, and a million different combinations of personalities. I’m a left leaning millennial with a lot of feelings. Probably not the type who should be doing this in the first place. Probably more suited to light poly than psychological kink on the wheel of non traditional sexual politics. I have plenty of my own baggage and faults. It’s one side of a more complex narrative, so it’s skewed. Clearly I’m bitter, maybe I won’t always feel this way. I’ll devils advocate myself before you get the chance to. I wish I hadn’t done it. I liked being a good wife, living a normal life. I feel like I forgot how to do it. It feels a little tainted now. Unnecessarily confusing. There should be more female perspective in this discussion. A bland goodbye.

[MarknSusan]

Re: “I try my best not to kink shame”

IMO kink shaming is the underlying purpose of your post.

Wishing you the best at trying to figure out what you are seeking in this special community.

[Swanilla]

Having been in the "Lifestyle" for 7 years (not very active.. it's more social for us), my wife and I have met many hundreds of people (countless parties, LS vacations, etc). I can tell you that consentual non-monogomy CAN make a solid relationship better for both. That said, it WILL also expose and problems in your relationship and destroy one that isn't solid. Anyone considering this to "fix" a relationship is kidding themselves.

Just my 2 cents from someone who has been around the block a few times.

[Aussiem]

You obviously had problems with doing it. Some people do. Many don't have any issue and slip into their particular style. We played around for years. We met others who did as well. We have been married 50 years. My greatest joy is remembering how happy my wife was when flirting with other men. Some she fucked. Some she didn't, her choice every time. During those years she was vibrant, sexy and loved having men around. No marriage is smooth, but for the right people freedom of community imposed sexual restrictions can be very liberating and enhance the relationship.

[rvplace]

This is not your church, stop the preach...you missed your turn off

[leggysman]

I'm sorry that this didn't work out for you, truly.

I found your earlier posts a chore to read. Too much florid navel-gazing for my tastes. I think this is probably better when everyone involved can just call it sexy, naughty fun, and just keep it light. It's probably not for everyone. It seems like you (and perhaps your husband) are not cut out for it. Fair enough!

But your tone and message seem to be warning wives not to be hotwives. Your experience is not everyone's experience. Absolutely, everyone should know that it's not always fun and games, but please don't try to spoil anyone else's fun.

[Kingmidas]

I’d like to see a woman’s perspective on this.

[sandy691196]

*If there are actually any reading this. Because let’s be real, this is mostly a circle jerk of men on opposite sides of the same coin*

Don’t do it. Almost two years of exploring this and from my experience most of the trepidations and assumptions are most likely true.

Why does your husband want you to sleep with other men? Decrease whatever your most dramatic psychological evaluation of your husband’s desires by 10% and that’s probably your answer.

What kind of man would get a kick out of fucking other people’s wives? Decrease whatever your most dramatic psychological assumption of what kind of psyche craves that by 20% (little extra room for error, you know your husband better) and that’s probably your answer.

Even with a loving husband and a non-sociopathic bull, you are still a pawn in their game of insecurity vs ego where they’re both playing for both teams. Maybe that bothers some less than it bothers me. I’ll admit, I’m a little jealous of women who can turn the game into a feeling of empowerment. Can keep it casual enough to brush it off with the flip of a switch. What I learned is that there is not really room for a woman who needs actual connection for satisfying sex, who is thoughtful and a little bit tender, to fit into the game. It feels like walking on egg shells in both directions. My husband wanted to be submissive but there were landmines and sore spots that were tricky to navigate. My… *eye roll for the term but what else is there to say* “bull” liked me fragile but didn’t have the capacity for emotional aftercare. Be dominant with me - your husband - but know exactly when to turn it off. Lose yourself in pleasure, but do it the way I like it. Then - be soft and open, show me your holes, give yourself to me - your bull - but don’t expect anything in return. This is not dichotomy. This is reconstructing some parts while putting a lockbox on others to fit the preference of the room. This is not female empowerment. This is a ball on a string in a game of tether ball. At least it feels good to be spanked occasionally. It turns out my least stressful experiences were with people who were regular people not playing any games, just doing something different with their relationships.

I have been one to talk about how doing this opens up so much dialogue between husband and wife and supercharges a sex life. But it’s also opened up plenty of difficult discussions that just don’t really reach resolution. And sexual energy in a long term relationship ebbs and flows as usual. Whatever small fringe benefit there is to be gained is really unnecessary in a healthy marriage. I thought I would have been able to say at the end of this that I met people and had experiences that enriched my life in a really unique way. Mostly I’m left just feeling kind of crazy, gaslit, cheap. Like my entire belief system was uprooted for… what? Adding numbers to a body count? Did I imagine things? Was it unrealistic to expect a closing that honored the experience? In the end, it just wasn’t worth it.

I try my best not to kink shame. I’m a guys girl, tomboy from a young age, appreciate crude humor, in group settings can usually be found playing games with the guys rather than talking shit with the girls. I really like men, I deeply love you fuckers. And - my honest assessment of exercising this extreme male driven fantasy is that it’s a huge mind fuck with potential to cause real damage. I think it’s irresponsible of any part of the triad to go into it without working on personal issues. That maybe - probably - instead of coming to your wife again and again asking her to fulfill a fantasy she’s uncomfortable with, it’s a much healthier decision for your marriage to locate your baggage (we all have it, don’t act like it’s not there) and examine it. I don’t really know what to say about the bull side of the equation. There’s no obligation there to anyone. I guess you get your rocks, no strings, walk away from complications, and no one can have any expectations or make any accusations. You maintain complete control. Is it a firewall or a house of cards? I don’t want to knock it down. But it hurts to get fingers slammed in a half open door.

This was my experience. There’s a million different ways to do it, and a million different combinations of personalities. I’m a left leaning millennial with a lot of feelings. Probably not the type who should be doing this in the first place. Probably more suited to light poly than psychological kink on the wheel of non traditional sexual politics. I have plenty of my own baggage and faults. It’s one side of a more complex narrative, so it’s skewed. Clearly I’m bitter, maybe I won’t always feel this way. I’ll devils advocate myself before you get the chance to. I wish I hadn’t done it. I liked being a good wife, living a normal life. I feel like I forgot how to do it. It feels a little tainted now. Unnecessarily confusing. There should be more female perspective in this discussion. A bland goodbye.

Are you having a bad day or just forgot to mention the large number of hotwives who initiate this lifestyle in their marriages?
The women who cheat and give their hubbies a fait accompli- like it or lump it - deal.
The wives who exploit their hubbies with talk of "I love you even more now" while treating them like poor suckers with no agency.. no choice.. no say..

I think your "left leaning millennial" self identity explains it. The typical victim play.. The casual misandry.. The denial of responsibility.. The blame the guy when things go wrong- game.

Uufffff !

[Aussiem]

It is men who over the centuries have controlled women's sexuality, imposing monogamy on women. The swinging hot wifing scene is about men disgarding the idea, that men control women.

[Bsod83]

zumiruni, thanks for your warning.

Did this "lifestyle" end your marriage? Or did you manage to salvage your relationship with your man? I think this type of lifestyle fits only a very few % of the population.

[gesdell]

I think it is good to hear a person's experiences and story even when things don't work out. I often wonder when a thread or story dies, is it because something bad happened and they no longer want to talk about it with us. I am thankful for her opinion on this, and though she gave it as a warning, we should respect her opinion about her own cautionary tale.

[fireman]

First off, I am glad that this forum is here so you actually have a place to vent. Probably not another avenue to air your frustrations and anger if you are trying to keep private about the lifestyle. Hopefully you feel some sense of relief being able to air out some of your emotions. I do not post much but felt compelled too. It sounds like you had a horrible experience. That sucks! My wife and I have been doing the hotwife thing for a long time. Some of the things you brought up that you needed or wanted are exactly the things she needs and wanted if we were going to follow through. She’s not a one and done, no emotional connection person. That’s not to say if the mood catches her right and she wants to pursue a particular guy, but that’s few and far between. We developed a very good relationship with her boyfriend a long time ago. She can spend time with him without me, or we all can hangout together. He’s good at taking care of her and I know that she is in good hands. This is not to say that she doesn’t get broken like a shotgun, spanked, tag teamed and used, but only when she wants that and she’s treated like a princess right after! So it can be done, has been done and it takes a huge amount of communication to do it. She is 100% in control of herself and who she chooses. Once again, I am glad this forum is here for you to be able to vent, but just know that your horrible experience is not everyone’s. It takes a good amount of real discussion, and forgiveness when mistakes are made (they will be, especially on the hubby’s part)! Hope this makes sense to you.

[ugcp]

This is an excellent post, and a great topic to discuss. Unfortunately, it will touch the nerve of many folks here because they will feel attacked and defensive - the thread requires contemplation rather than being mere sexual stimulation or jerk off material (which is what many people here will be wanting).

I think the biggest factor for success vs failure, or positive outcome vs negative, comes down to the originating motivation of the couple. Unfortunately, one of the most common starting points is entirely centered on the husband's kink/fantasy, and using the wife (and any partner she has) as little more than a means to satisfy his desire. It can be powerfully addictive, and like other addictions, it can lead to irrational judgment, decisions, and behaviours. When this is the driving factor towards hotwifing/cuckolding, the probability of an unenjoyable, unfulfilling, even traumatizing or disturbing result (for the wife especially) goes way up.

The biggest indicator for success, in my opinion, comes down to a question of control. As a couple goes down a path on this journey, they can ask themselves who is truly in control. They need to answer this honestly. This is an activity that involves the wife's body in the most intimate and vulnerable sense, her mind, her emotions, her esteem and self image, her reputation, and multiple relationships for her (including her marriage). Yes, it involves the husband's emotions, and his relationship with his wife, but it obvious has WAY more significance for the wife. For that reason, I feel she should have priority of control of the situation. That is not to say women/wives should always have priority/control over everything in marriage. I'm only speaking of this particular dynamic. Yes, a balanced, shared control approach can also work, but sometimes perspective of what people might think is balanced is actually far from it (probably due to the patriarchal normalized structure of marriage/relationships in our culture).

A true self assessment needs to be done by the members of the primary relationship too. If a husband is the type to feel insecure about himself, then this might be a bad idea. If a husband has ever experienced or demonstrated feelings of jealousy (not envy, but jealousy), it might be a bad idea. If the wife is wired for monogamy (such that increasing intimacy with 1 person tends to cause her to focus on that to the detriment of another partner), this is likely a bad idea. But, some folks are not wired for monogamy. Some people don't feel jealousy, and their compersion is strong. Some people are confident and secure in themselves, their partner, and their relationship. Those are the type of people that are more likely to have a successful, positive experience.

As for the "bull", or other man, not all men in this situation are seeking to boost their own ego with some competitive crap over sleeping with another man's wife. I have been involved as "the other man" with a married woman before, and I can tell you that...frankly... I just don't really think about the husband all that much lol. I want him to be happy and enjoy the situation, of course, and I definitely don't want to cause strife in their marriage. I try to be respectful of his situation, and consider what he requires to be supportive of our relationship. Assuming I'm enjoying the dynamic we have established, it makes sense that I would want it to continue, and the best way for that to happen is to cultivate a stable situation where everyone involved feels it is enhancing their lives. But otherwise, my focus is on the wife... she's the object of my attention, desire, interest. I'm not going to waste time and energy in any sort of competition with the husband... that's energy that is better served in pleasuring the wife!

The emotional dynamic of the extra-marital relationship depends on the people involved. Personally, I will become emotionally connected with the wife. That's just how im wired, and I've learned it is what I need to feel comfortable. That doesn't mean I need to supplant the husband as the wife's primary emotional connection. It doesn't mean I need our relationship to advance towards anything beyond what it is. He's her husband, and I'm not. He has responsibilities and privileges that I don't. I understand and accept how things are and need to be to keep stability and comfort for all parties. Again, I'm not going to waste energy trying to change this because it doesn't serve my interest to do so.

I think there are usually warning signs people have to ignore in order to find themselves in a bad situation with this. Either someone is lying to themselves, denying something they are sensing/seeing, or otherwise pretending something that is untenable is actually fine. Deep down, a wife probably has a good sense of whether her husband could handle her having a sexual relationship with another man without it causing harm to her husband or marriage. A husband probably has a sense of whether his wife will truly benefit from an intimate relationship with another man. He also probably knows deep down whether his motivation for this is because he's wanting to feed his own sexual obsession, or whether he truly wants his wife to experience more pleasure and fulfillment in her life. A wife, and possibly husband, probably have a good sense of whether the other man is seeing things in a balanced, respectful way, or whether he is not truly able to grasp the concepts needed to maintain a stable hotwife/cuckold dynamic. Then, everyone needs to have the courage to be real, to speak freely and plainly, and to make decisions that may not always be easy or comfortable.

Even with all this done perfectly, there can still be pain and heartache. That's just the nature with interpersonal relationships. Almost every romantic, intimate relationship ends with the pain of the termination of that relationship. The only way that wouldn't happen is if we never have breakups and thus only ever have 1 relationship. This isn't just uncommon, it is an extreme rarity. And even if we only had 1 relationship, one partner will likely die before the other, which might be the most extreme heartache out of it all. So we all know pursuing any type of romantic relationship will likely end in pain... yet we still do it anyway. Because life is short and truly living means experiencing plenty of ups and downs, and all the related pleasures and pains.

[Restarting]

Bitterness notwithstanding, it seems you might have been happier if you had experimented more with this.

It turns out my least stressful experiences were with people who were regular people not playing any games, just doing something different with their relationships.

It's perfectly fine to dislike the role of dominating your husband. Hopefully, your attraction to and affection for men has not been tainted by your experience.

[sammaddon]

Shocked at the inability of some here (mostly men) to look at the OP’s experience objectively.

As a wannabe, I wish I didn’t have this desired life would be simpler. Let’s face it. We glamorize the success stories, label the bad experiences as anomalies, and push blindly on until we grow weary of the very pleasure we sought.

When all goes to hell we scrub our profiles and think maybe next time I’ll do it the right way and I’ll be happy.

No one hears from the hundreds that silently slip away from this lifestyle with broken lives. Let this be a safe place for all to share.

[Crushing]

^^^this^^^. Sounds like the original poster had an unpleasant, disorienting, and even demeaning experience. I hope everything works out for all involved.

[Allinfun]

No matter how hard one tries to normalize and mainstream this lifestyle, it is not normal and mainstream. It is not for everyone.

But it is also not for no one, if you get what I'm saying.

The writer had a bad experience. That's valid. A lot of couples here have had great experiences. Also valid.

I would still be married to my first wife had she been honest. I know now that her "kink" was doing it on the down low. This only works if both partners are fully in sync. A relationship in which both people agree that the wife can hook up on the down low can work if both agree to it. I think the both agreeing part is the OP's point and she's spot on. Her advice not to do this comes from her experience. It probably should be "don't do this unless..."

[Statein88]

I think it’s valid and important to see all angles of this LS.

We love the success stories and to see couples enjoying themselves, but we rarely see the negative experiences and difficulties/consequences talked about. This is a good reminder that even if one side or both find this LS appealing, it is indeed likely not for everyone, especially long-term. It’s definitely not mainstream and with societal and upbringing factors, mixed with emotions and real life, it’s prudent to see all sides.

It’s obvious it works for many couples, but like all things in life, some will just never be able to be 100% happy and comfortable with it, and we shouldn’t invalidate that experience.

[Iahotwifeshusband]

While the OPs experience isn’t my experience, I think there is always something to learn from other’s experiences. I don’t agree that this lifestyle is for everyone, but also think it is the best option for many couples. I wish I could find a local group of like minded couples to be able to share experiences live. For not, virtual is the best I can do. (We live in a rural area so there just aren’t many options)

Whether we agree or not, we should listen and respect her opinion. I am always looking to learn! At least that’s my two cents!

[BrunetteLover]

I would expect many women to agree with the OP.

Lifestyle is not for everyone.

Probably not for most people.

[luvymayfly2]

I've been both the lover and the cuck. I do not like the "bull" term applied to myself.

On the cuckold side, the husband experiences compersion. This is the ice cream of sex for him. For the wife, topping the husband can arouse her like nothing else. Again, ice cream. But, what is life if one only eats ice cream? Is a rough situation for spouses or partners to navigate. How do you balance your need for normal, healthy food against ice cream? This kink is very particularized. The versions we read here are only one way of doing it. There are many, many ways.

OP, tell you husband you want light poly. See what he says. I personally think that's the path for a sustainable "cuckolding" relationship.

In any event, bless you for sharing your female perspective. These online forums need more and not just from women who got an Only Fans.

[sandy691196]

"light poly"..
Russian Roulette..
Some people get off on that

[secretside]

There's a lot of nuance in your thinking, OP. There's a lot to unpack there too. . Keep sharing your thoughts, writing them out and saying them alloud can crystallise our thoughts, but equally confusion can creep in too. It sounds like exploration may be the only path to resolution.

[Cdncuck]

You tried something. You didn't like it. Fair enough. To assume nobody will like it is inaccurate. Many people do like it and find it rewarding. It's just a matter of personal taste.

[diet_dew_86]

i think it is healthy for the forum to also contain posts from people that haven't enjoyed their forays into the lifestyle.

In general I don't think it is good for the woman to participate if she is mostly doing it for the man. I don't think she should over generalize about the motivations of other people. But I trust she has accurately conveyed her own experience.