Should I Allow To Move Forward

[Hotwifeva77]

Have been discussing the idea for years and finally out of nowhere she has said she would do it, but it would need to be with this one gentleman who she feels safe with.

Unfortunately she hasn’t been completely honest about some of the conversations she’s had and that came to light.

She’s suddenly wanting more intimate time and has begun to ask for it daily. I told her that this old friend of hers is a risk due to mutual contacts, and didn’t think we should entertain.

The next day she showed me a text where she asked the guy if he would consider being together.

Given the circumstances do you think it would be detrimental or worth the risk?

[superb101]

Sounds like to me she is already "moving forward" whether you "allow" her to or not. My guess is you have bigger problems on your hands.

[skoot1958]

Is she using you idea of HF as cover for an affair, if not physical at this time emotionally

So a key to HF is open communication, explain open communication to her and ask her out right about this man and the risk

She may not have moved to physical with this man yet but she seems to want to

[Hotwifeva77]

That is my gut feeling. It seems as though this is exciting her but she says it is more for my idea. She could be manipulating the situation.

[afagehi7]

That is my gut feeling. It seems as though this is exciting her but she says it is more for my idea. She could be manipulating the situation.

Bookmarking this thread. I wanna hear how it plays out. This could go either way. She could already be in deep with this guy emotionally or physically... But she could also be genuine and just finds him attractive.

How much time do they spend together?

[Hotwifeva77]

He lives in another state several hours away. He’s divorced and has kids. I do not believe they have seen each other at this point. Not 100% but there have been comments made that make me believe it could just be an emotional connection. Btw, she has never truly entertained before so this is new.

[skoot1958]

It might be your idea, but you need to talk to her and why she want this man, is she being totally open

Your wife maybe thinking more of ENM rather that HF, but does it make any real difference if she is open with you

[afagehi7]

He lives in another state several hours away. He’s divorced and has kids. I do not believe they have seen each other at this point. Not 100% but there have been comments made that make me believe it could just be an emotional connection. Btw, she has never truly entertained before so this is new.

Wonder if they've been chatting online or something. There must be some root there for her to choose him.

Its going to be interesting to watch unfold. It could either be a wonderful opportunity with a safety barrier since he is so far away or an epic fubar... I'm leaning towards a good opportunity but not by much

[BT2]

The general feeling on this site is that hotwifing must be mutual, open, and honest. It is not a license to commit adultery. A married person, hubby or wife, needs some privacy, and I suppose more than a few of us have more or less innocently exchanged emails or chatted with someone and have kept it private from one's spouse, knowing where and when to draw the line. I disagree that a wife should be permitted to do as she pleases, e.g. fucking someone else - ditto a husband. This is supposed to be recreational sex - not private sex.

In my opinion, you had the right to veto your wife fucking another. Sound that she went ahead and suggested it anyway - but on the other hand she told you about it.

I agree with those posters who say you and your wife need to talk, honestly and seriously before anybody does anything.

[Her number1]

Have been discussing the idea for years and finally out of nowhere she has said she would do it, but it would need to be with this one gentleman who she feels safe with.

Unfortunately she hasn’t been completely honest about some of the conversations she’s had and that came to light.

She’s suddenly wanting more intimate time and has begun to ask for it daily. I told her that this old friend of hers is a risk due to mutual contacts, and didn’t think we should entertain.

The next day she showed me a text where she asked the guy if he would consider being together.

Given the circumstances do you think it would be detrimental or worth the risk?

It sounds like you have wanted her to pursue the LS for some time. She is finally exploring the idea while maybe not being totally forthcoming, and while you are somewhat fearful of her moving forward.
Neither of you is ready, primarily because you each need to openly and honestly have a serious conversation about communication, and being on the same page.
She's so far, not doing anything any more wrong than you.

"Given the circumstances do you think it would be detrimental or worth the risk?"
It could become detrimental, and not worth the risk if you two don't learn to communicate.

[Parsifal]

No. 1 is right. The initial phase of it should be as transparent as you both need. It doesn't work well initially if too much is left unsaid. If you were really ready you would create a safe space for her to share with you everything she wants to experience with him and later share the experiences she has.

[Hotwifeva77]

What perimeters would you suggest

[bbarnsworth]

She hasn't been completely honest???? <major, major, major red flags>

[snoogaloo82]

What perimeters would you suggest

First I would suggest that she tell you about every encounter beforehand so that you know it's happening.
Ask if you could meet the guy at least one time so at least you've met him face to face.
Have him come to your house or town every other time at least so that she doesn't have to drive that whole distance. That sounds like a lot of milage on the car.


Keep us up to date on what's happening. It sounds like you have a possible hotwife, but time will tell..

[skoot1958]

First you need to tell her you ok as long as you are both open about everything

It sounds like the whole idea has finally come together, and this seems to have really turned her on, which is one of the upside for you, this should be you too enjoying together, ok she may have made some move before talking with out you, but woman are complex and she may just wanted resurgence that someone she like would want her as a FEB . She is feeling her way forward, leave that behind and gree on open relationship moving forward, no secretes

As he is out of state can we assume they have not recently meet IRL, so have her explain how they got to this point,
If she is not willing It explain she is holding back and this is not going to work, good conversation during after sex when she is in a good place

Rule you can see her message to him when you ask, they’re should be no secrets

Ask for a plan, does she want a social meet with him, will you be there so he know your ok with this arrangement

Due to the distance does she want to start sex texting if so offer to be the cameraman

They will plan on having sex sometime, so do you want him to take a STD screen, is he seeing anyone else at the same time ?

[Hotwifeva77]

I think the main concern is the guy is looking for a partner to settle down with. The Mrs is enjoying the attention and after being married a long time, could lose the focus of what this is about. Not an ideal arrangement from that perspective but certainly there are positives too. He’s a good guy and has responsibility with his kids. And he lives a ways away.

[skoot1958]

How do you know he is looking for a new “wife” rather than a FEB? He would be a the wrong choice, assuming your wife is not looking to replace you

Have you talked this over with you wife, she may relate to this man, can she see the problem with this man

[afagehi7]

I think the main concern is the guy is looking for a partner to settle down with. The Mrs is enjoying the attention and after being married a long time, could lose the focus of what this is about. Not an ideal arrangement from that perspective but certainly there are positives too. He’s a good guy and has responsibility with his kids. And he lives a ways away.

Going into it they would both have to know it's a fun temporary solution. Here's the thing: read up on NRE, new relationship energy. Think back to the thrill of dating a new woman, how everything was fun and interesting and new. Same gig with a new FWB. You also have the deal where everything with him is fun, new, exciting. There are no bills, household chores, being sick, etc. Oftentimes people can lose sight and the nre feelings get strong enough to cause damage. Just read on it so you understand and she can understand

Nre can be fun and a good thing but also understanding the feeling is important because emotions can take over.

[Hotwifeva77]

Great advice. She’s never been one to entertain this without holding some resentment in the past and I never pushed too hard because of that. Then suddenly, here we go. No conversations, just came out with it and said I could with this person. I knew about him and encouraged her to talk with him years ago because he’s a good guy and was always respectful to her. This one just went from 0-100mph which caused my radar to go off.

She says she isn’t interested in leaving me but I’m not sure completely. I do know she misrepresented our marriage to him by saying we’ve been married a long time and basically just waiting for kids to be grown. To me she never says stuff like that but the guy and I have spoken and he did elude to that. So who knows. He did say he wouldn’t disrespect our marriage but I don’t know if he already has unknowingly.

[skoot1958]

The switch is but unusual woman hold a lot back, I am sure you planned how this would work, and she has change the game on turn, that’s what is it like IRL, you want be there, it will not be your date, and you not be getting fucked

Maybe she said things to that ate not 100% true, to start off the conversation, for her first is not likely she said, I have a hall way pass do you want to fuck, that will come later

You soon become the man at home waiting for her to come back, that’s part is the pain that goes with the please

As to need to be 100% open, say you talked to him and that what he said, is it true? Do we need to work on our marriage ?


Otherwise you stop it or you let the river flow and see what happens

[skoot1958]

The switch is not unusual, woman hold a lot back, I am sure you planned how this would work, and she has change the game, that’s what it islike IRL, you will not be there, it will not be your date, and you not be getting fucked

Maybe she said things to that are not 100% true, to start off the conversation, for her first time, it is not likely she said, I have a hall way pass, do you want to fuck, that will come later

You will soon become the man at home waiting for her to come back, that’s part is the pain that goes with the please

It is a big step the fact you have talked to this man directly, she could just just have an afar

So you should both have a let’s stop rule, with no questions rule, very hard to make work but at least have the discussion up front

If it is just the sex, ask if she is open to a 3sum or you being with them for a date, or in the room, just to see her reaction

Be 100% open, say you talked to him and that what he said, she is looking to move on sometime, is it true? Do we need to work on our marriage ?

Otherwise you support her, and let the river flow and see what happens

What’s the next step, when would the meet IRL?

[leo-cpl]

Given the circumstances and the history, would be a big no for us.

[Hotwifeva77]

After a long bit of back and forth and some inconsistencies it seems we have come to a fork in the road. Her friend is going to be in town for work mid week and she has asked him about availability.

She refuses to say this excites her but her actions show otherwise. She says it is just for me. I told her I don’t want her to go meet him if that’s the case.

It’s supposed to be something for both of us. I think she’s worried to say she wants it too.

[skoot1958]

Why is the a fork in the road, are you both not on the same page?

She most like does not want to say, the test will be how she is with your after the meeting, have you got rules, like condones may not needed, photos, shearing with you after, particular sexual acts like PIA, etc

How do you feel about the meet up?

[Hotwifeva77]

I’m a little torn on this meeting. It’s with a long time school friend who is divorced and is clearly looking for a partner.

The Mrs is very conservative and hasn’t really embraced the idea of this lifestyle. She says she’s open to trying it but really just to make me happy.

I’ve expressed that it isn’t a good idea unless she too finds it exciting or intriguing.

That said every time I tell her I don’t want her to meet him if she’s not into it, she reaches out and asks about connecting.

The issues I have is there have been some dishonesty about communication etc.

I’ve tried to level this up but it’s been hard to do because I believe she is not wanting to upset me by saying she’s into him.

I have laid out expectations of transparency with a potential meeting. I’m 75/25 it will happen which is my concern.