A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

More power to ya.
That turned out to be a lovely meeting with L's mother.
Even if it doesn't become something more, that was a lovely experience to have.

Yes it was really very nice. I could tell just how much she was enjoying her time there, it really showed. She was very happy. It was also kind of nice how she could see everyone greeting me so warmly when I arrived and also each time someone else arrived. As I was walking past the fence to the entrance people were calling out greetings and waving to me. I feel she could get a sense that maybe I'm well liked there. If they had questions about why I go there so often she might understand now.

I feel that I've essentially been given indications of approval by L's mother and that seems pretty big. So I guess it's really up to L now. I've made up my mind to explore this potential new relationship if she's also wanting this. Actually I think I had made up my mind to pursue this a long time back. I've never spoken with another lady since being married in the way that I spoke with L.

Yesterday was a holiday and had a full day out with wife and the dogs, so didn't go to the park. Everything just feels off. Don't get me wrong it's more pleasant than the stormclouds, but she's constantly trying to hold my hand, put her arm around me. Talking constantly like afraid of the tiniest silence. Any time she says anything, no matter how minor she finishes off with "huh?" if I haven't responded within 1 second. Most things don't need a response so I end up just kind of grunting. It's all very weird and off-putting. It just feels like she's going a million miles a minute to paper over everything and show a veneer that everything is fine and well. It's obviously not fine and well, but I don't think she wants to acknowledge that.

Seeing her acting so happy (even if it seems a bit fake and forced) makes it harder to contemplate what I'm likely about to do. I feel like I'm sitting in the eye of a hurricane. We had really stormy rough weather and now this weird calmness. All hell is about to break loose however. I'm resting up as much as I can to prepare for the next onslaught.

I was thinking more about the narcissist aspect and somthing else came to mind. All those times where I tried to discuss what she was doing and I dissaprove, anytime I got even close to the topic she started this really weird uncomfortable babbling (I'm sure I wrote about it). Maybe her brain was kind of short-circuiting to avoid being confronted with the reality that she was doing wrong. I understand that the brain will do things to protect itself when challenged with proof of an incorrect world view. I think it's called cognitive dissonance.

[newaussiecuck]

Some more research done on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and it's truly eye-opening! The way I feel is exactly what was described as how the partner can feel. Reduced sense of self worth that's at odds with prior achievements for one thing. I've really only started improving once I had made the decision to not wait for her any longer and to pick myself up and move on with my life.

I can see that the technique she's currently using at this moment is called "love bombing".

"Love bombing is when someone bombards their partner with affection; strong emotions; and gifts of time, energy, or things. A narcissist uses love bombing to build a facade of intimacy and trust, so their partner will stay in the relationship. Because of this, the partner may not notice the deeper underlying problems; this in turn creates an idealized situation that the partner will attempt to pursue and re-create throughout the relationship."

She also did that the night before our big blowup. I think she sensed something was going on as I was having a lot of trouble sleeping deciding if I should proceed with L. Suddenly she got off the couch from her laptop and it was as if a switch had been flicked and she was suddenly ALL OVER ME.

I guess I resisted more than she would have liked so she decided to continue the next morning and invite herself to the park. Then all hell broke loose when I told her no.

The love bombing is in full force today. I'm trying to work from home and she keeps interrupting me to offer me things. I just got given a cup of tea. This has NEVER EVER happened before! Now I've just been given a bowl of freshly roasted peanuts!

Another thing the article mentioned is they feel impossible to please: "Moving the goalposts is when someone changes the rules of a situation midway through, in order to keep another from succeeding or meeting expectations. A narcissist will do this so that their partner will continue to seek their approval, allowing them to maintain a place of authority."


My reading has also reinforced my instinct of needing to set boundaries and the importance of having relationships outside of the marriage. So yes, with or without L, I do need to have friendships of my own and need to keep going to the park alone. If I had my own friends then I would have found out LONG ago that things weren't right with us.

There was also an interesting section on how to leave a relationship with partner having NPD and it mentioned the importance of an exit plan so you're not relying on making things up in the heat of the moment. Interestingly it also mentioned to consider your personal safety. I had already written about that, so again another thing I had already instinctively considered.

This was also interesting, and I guess more validation that moving on is the right thing for me: "Narcissists will often convince you that you have no options outside of the relationship, and that you can’t be trusted to make decisions on your own. This fallacy is created to protect their best interests, not yours. If your partner recognizes their fears and is willing to take responsibility for them, therapy can help improve the health of your relationship. However, due to the nature of NPD, this will rarely be the case."



Now on to more pleasant matters, today is the day that L's mother said that L would be back. I don't know if she means she's arriving home today or will be going to the park today. So I will hopefully (fingers crossed) be seeing her either tonight or Saturday. I'm trying to temper my expectations as much as possible (and remember what her brother said about her being away with her "partner") but I can't help to feel hopeful and some excitement. The partner comment was really at odds with her prior behaviour and her mum's behaviour for that matter, but it also can't be ignored either.

Plus it has been so long since I've seen her so who knows how she feels now. I will just keep it casual and fun playing with the dogs and play it by ear whenever I do see her again.

[whosbeensleeping]

Very interesting stuff. Thanks for sharing. We are actually realizing that this may be what our daughter is facing with her husband. Not pretty at all.

[newaussiecuck]

Very interesting stuff. Thanks for sharing. We are actually realizing that this may be what our daughter is facing with her husband. Not pretty at all.

I'm glad it's helping you also. It's helping me to go back and review some things under this lens, a whole lot of stuff is making sense now.

I truly wish you all the best for your daughter.

I need to do what's right for me now as I've truly suffered enough. I've gone so far above and beyond what anyone could expect from me. However, I still feel a sense of responsibility for her and I do worry for her well-being if/when we split. It's much easier to contemplate when she's being such a shit like she has been for so long. Much harder now while she's being so nice to me. I just have to remind myself that it's precisely why she's suddenly flipped the script (to keep me from leaving) and I just have to press on regardless as it is only a matter of time before she changes ways again.

[newaussiecuck]

Just to close off the day, no L, mother or brother at the park. It was a long shot to be honest, and the weather wasn't the best but was OK. Maybe she did arrive home today after all.

If the weather holds off, Saturday would be the best bet. If the weather is good and she isn't there, then it will be hard to keep hope at that point. Mind you, even then she could get sick from her trip so it's not totally out of the question. Ever the optimist, I guess that's why I waited so long for wife to get her act together.

Mind you, it's not like I can do anything else other than wait and try to keep working on self improvement, and make exit plans. It's at times like this I'm glad I don't have her contact details, might have made a mistake or fool of myself by now otherwise.

Why is waiting so hard? It was that comment her brother made which is making this excruciating. I was cruising along before that.

[newaussiecuck]

In a much calmer state of mind today, sometimes it's good to be able to write here and unburden myself. I also wonder if it's just a coincidence that I'm back in the office today. Yesterday was the first day working from home in a week. I think being there so long took it's toll on me. It's very draining having to filter what she says and maintain distance while she's trying to pull me back in. She can't let a minute go by without saying something and it's mostly rubbish. She'll say something that clearly doesn't need a response and then prompt me for my response anyway. For example:

"I'll get a drink of water . . . . . . . . huh?". Why do I need to even comment on that? Why does she even need to say it in the first place? If you're thirsty just get up and get a drink of water. Sheesh!

Anyway so mostly just trying to stay calm and centered and look forward to hopefully a good day tomorrow. My biggest concern is getting out of the house without wife in tow, and without a huge blowup again. If there needs to be another blowup then so be it, I'll be going regardless. I'm ready to go nuclear if I have to, I'll be going.

I think her brother mostly said what he said last week to try and provoke a negative response. I took it well and I think he was good with that, so invited me to bring my dog back. Later he tried again by commenting about how many dogs are dying this year, and that he personally knows of 3. I think he was trying to check if I can be easily shaken, if I'm unstable. So I just told him that dogs are here for a good time, not a long time. As long as I've provided my dog with the best life that I can while she's here then I can be at peace whenever she goes. I think he really liked that answer.

I don't think her mum would have come at all, nor given the indications that she did, if everything wasn't progressing well.

Looking forward to a nice, relaxing and fun encounter tomorrow.

[whosbeensleeping]

Many thanks for the kind wishes regarding our daughter. We are learning about narcissists at the same time you are. It's very distressing. Not that we hadn't dealt with them before, but we weren't equipped with the needed understanding of what was happening. Many long stories there, but in short, a cycle needs to be broken.
Understanding doesn't necessarily make it easier. It is indeed a good thing you can get away to work.
As for L, I would say that romantic obsessions are a bit like those of an artist for his muse. The recipient gets infused with all kinds of our hopes and dreams which we invest them with. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I'm sure many of the nuances you perceive are real, but their exact meaning may be slightly different than you imagine.
Time will tell. For your sake I hope there is something there. If not then maybe it is simply a signpost pointing the way to a better place.

[newaussiecuck]

Many thanks for the kind wishes regarding our daughter. We are learning about narcissists at the same time you are. It's very distressing. Not that we hadn't dealt with them before, but we weren't equipped with the needed understanding of what was happening. Many long stories there, but in short, a cycle needs to be broken.
Understanding doesn't necessarily make it easier. It is indeed a good thing you can get away to work.
As for L, I would say that romantic obsessions are a bit like those of an artist for his muse. The recipient gets infused with all kinds of our hopes and dreams which we invest them with. Doesn't mean it's a bad thing. I'm sure many of the nuances you perceive are real, but their exact meaning may be slightly different than you imagine.
Time will tell. For your sake I hope there is something there. If not then maybe it is simply a signpost pointing the way to a better place.

I haven't dealt with narcissists before so had no idea what to look for. Reading up on them now and finding out about their need for control puts things in a completely different light. When I was younger and first met her I was of the submissive type, and I think I was first attracted to her because of her "dominance". However, looks like I made a mistake in judgement. It wasn't dominance, it was narcissist need for control. That also explains why I could never get her to really take the lead in the bedroom, she wasn't really a dominant at all.

I couldn't understand how she could be so overwhelmingly controlling in everyday life but not really interested in dominant type sex in the bedroom, it was back to front. Now I know why.

In regards to L, yes I already pulled myself up last night, realising I was getting too carried away. I have a much calmer and relaxed attutude towards her today. Just enjoy her company if she turns up and see what happens without any expectations. I'm also prepared for a no show.

I also think that the fact that I even considered talking to L further and pursuing the opportunity points to the direction that I should probably take, whether it's with L or someone else in the future.

"Understanding doesn't necessarily make it easier." - Agreed in fact it can in some ways make it harder for me to contemplate moving on. I feel less like it's her fault and more responsibility to stay and look after her. However, from everything I've read and experienced so far I'll be committing myself to a life of misery if I take that route of seeing myself as her carer. She won't be greatful for it. How much burden do I need to take? Do I work for the next 20 years, enjoying my time away from her only to then suffer in retirement when there's no escape?

[newaussiecuck]

Today is the day that I will hopefully see L again. 1.5 hours is the scheduled time we were mostly meeting. Her last words to me were "I'll see you on Saturday" at this time, however that was 4 or so weeks ago. Bad weather, holidays, puppy school cancelled and I suspect family keeping her away have all intervened.

Today however should in theory be a resuming of the regular schedule. Let's see what happens, I'm prepared mentally for any outcome including a no show.

Now I'm just hoping to get out the door without incident.

Wish me luck!

[newaussiecuck]

Well, I got out without incident but it turned out to be a no show. I'm totally confused as to where things went wrong but it is what it is I guess.

There was an older lady that came (from same country) and no dog that came in and sat for 20 minutes. At first I thought she might be there to make sure that nothing happened when L came, like a chaperone but she never came and the lady left. She was looking in my direction quite a bit and smiled and kind of waved when she left. Very odd.

Maybe tonight she will be there same time she looked for me last time, or during the week but I really thought this morning was it.

Kind of giving up hope now. Pretty deflated. I really liked her.

[whosbeensleeping]

Everything gets magnified and amplified and heightened when one is in that state. I've certainly been there.
Edit: There's a certain very specific vulnerability that comes when one feels bereft of feminine love and support. That feeling can even creep in when a relationship is going through a rough patch.

[newaussiecuck]

Everything gets magnified and amplified and heightened when one is in that state. I've certainly been there.
Edit: There's a certain very specific vulnerability that comes when one feels bereft of feminine love and support. That feeling can even creep in when a relationship is going through a rough patch.

Agreed. An hour or so later to ponder and hope isn't lost. Thinking of L's mum's indications. I think that lady that was there was also a bit significant. She turned at exactly the same time I was expecting L, and there was that nod of recognition when she left even though we didn't speak. She sat across.

[Seductionrules]

Everything gets magnified and amplified and heightened when one is in that state. I've certainly been there.
Edit: There's a certain very specific vulnerability that comes when one feels bereft of feminine love and support. That feeling can even creep in when a relationship is going through a rough patch.

Agreed. An hour or so later to ponder and hope isn't lost. Thinking of L's mum's indications. I think that lady that was there was also a bit significant. She turned at exactly the same time I was expecting L, and there was that nod of recognition when she left even though we didn't speak. She sat across.

It sounds like the whole family is checking you out (even the dog).

[newaussiecuck]

Everything gets magnified and amplified and heightened when one is in that state. I've certainly been there.
Edit: There's a certain very specific vulnerability that comes when one feels bereft of feminine love and support. That feeling can even creep in when a relationship is going through a rough patch.

Agreed. An hour or so later to ponder and hope isn't lost. Thinking of L's mum's indications. I think that lady that was there was also a bit significant. She turned at exactly the same time I was expecting L, and there was that nod of recognition when she left even though we didn't speak. She sat across.

It sounds like the whole family is checking you out (even the dog).

Well that's exactly the way that I feel, whether it's true or not is anyone's guess. I just know that in her culture family is VERY important to the point that you would be marrying the family, not just her. Family would be over ALL the time from what I understand. It would make sense for that family to check me out first. Since I'm a complete outsider to their community (ie no word of mouth passed around on what I'm really like) it would seem the only way.

Given the age gap it would also be important to make sure I'm of decent character. They could also be checking for any signs of my wife showing up, which is why I can't allow her to come. If anything was to progress, then next step would be "dating" which again as I understand it is a pretty serious step. Dating is almost like engaged. If dating is the next step, and it's a big commitment then wouldn't you expect for them to take their time and get to know me a bit first before allowing me loose with their daughter/sister.

That's just the way that I understand it, and I could very well be wrong. However it fits with what I've experienced so far. Could be wishful thinking though.


Edit:
One last thing I think I forgot to mention until now. Last time I saw L and we were saying our goodbyes I asked her if she wanted me to go for a walk with her. I meant to walk her to her car, but she could also have taken it as an invitation to go somewhere else and make out. That wasn't what I meant but if she misunderstood and relayed that to her family then you bet they would have put the brakes on to slow things down a bit.

[newaussiecuck]

No show again this evening (same time and day of the week as I first saw her mum, and same time and day of week as when L last came and asked about me).

Maybe she'll show up one day when I least expect it, but at this point I won't lie that it's getting harder to maintain hope. Guess I have to let it go.

I'm confused as all fuck, about a lot of things. L, wife, what to do next. Just keep plodding along I guess. Stick to my routine, look after myself as best I can is about all I can do I guess.

I'll be honest though, I'm not feeling real great.

I guess one interesting thing is PG 1 was there again when I got there tonight and left not too long after I arrived. Almost like she was checking what time I come and whether I'm alone. I mentioned that I've long speculated that she knows L somehow. I waved to her when she turned to see me approaching and she waved back but I didn't go speak to her.

Also interestingly I saw PG quite regularly of late but she completely disappeared during the time that L was away and appeared again the day that L was due to arrive back. They couldn't have taken the holiday away together by any chance? Like a group of friends? The other lady I mentioned that knows PG and knew L's dog's name also hasn't been back since the day that L was looking for me 2 weeks ago. I saw her pretty much every day until then. Curious.

[whosbeensleeping]

I'm sure it must be discouraging. One good thing, the dog will always need to go to the park.

[newaussiecuck]

Yes, that is very true. I'll just go about my business as I always have so nothing really changes there. Who knows what's really going on behind the scenes. I can speculate 100 different things (and I probably have), but no way to verify any of them. I'm sure she'll turn up again one day and will take it as it comes.

One thing that I can be sure of is that I'm confident that I've put my best foot forward with L, her brother and her mother. I can't really think of a single thing that I should have said or done differently (apart from not being there that day she showed up looking for me, but how was I to know), so I can be at peace with that. I've done all that I can, the ball is in her court now.

If she does have a partner (maybe he's been deemed not marriage material who knows), then she might have things to sort out there also.

Will just relax, enjoy life as much as I can and keep an eye out for when she comes back.

With wife I'll be friendly but keep emotional distance from her. We need serious talks and sorting things out before I could ever really go back to her. I don't think I'm even ready to contemplate that as yet.

[Long Lurker 34]

Yes, that is very true. I'll just go about my business as I always have so nothing really changes there. Who knows what's really going on behind the scenes. I can speculate 100 different things (and I probably have), but no way to verify any of them. I'm sure she'll turn up again one day and will take it as it comes.

One thing that I can be sure of is that I'm confident that I've put my best foot forward with L, her brother and her mother. I can't really think of a single thing that I should have said or done differently (apart from not being there that day she showed up looking for me, but how was I to know), so I can be at peace with that. I've done all that I can, the ball is in her court now.

If she does have a partner (maybe he's been deemed not marriage material who knows), then she might have things to sort out there also.

Will just relax, enjoy life as much as I can and keep an eye out for when she comes back.

With wife I'll be friendly but keep emotional distance from her. We need serious talks and sorting things out before I could ever really go back to her. I don't think I'm even ready to contemplate that as yet.

NAC - Perhaps to help you through/over these troublesome events/issues you should look into getting a therapist for just you. I get the impression in real life you don't appear to have anyone to speak with about what's been going on.

[newaussiecuck]

That's correct I pretty much have nobody. I've mentioned a few things to my boss and have spoken to my mother a bit. However she's on the "stay married mo matter what" kind of side of things. I don't think she really understands what I've been going through. So it's hard to feel like I would be disappointing her too.

Meanwhile wife is suddenly acting all like wife of the year and as if none of the last 3 years even happened. It's major gaslighting and I feel worn down by it all. I feel my resistance slipping and sometimes I even question myself if it was as bad as what I remembered.

Mostly it's OK, but quite a few times she's acting all hurt and dissapointed when I go to the park. It reduces my enjoyment about going.

Just feeling pretty crap all over at the moment. I had everything all figured out on what I was doing and going to do to move on with my life. I had put all the hurt behind me and I was feeling pretty good and hopeful with L of a very nice future (still am, but I need to see her soon to maintain any hope of that). Now wife has completely upended everything yet again and dragging me through all this pain once more.

It hurts to be dragged back in, and it hurts and is draining to resist it also.

I've taken down the number of the employee counselling service (same as I used last year but our company has now switched providers). I'll be giving them a call today.

[whosbeensleeping]

Gaslighting is very destructive. I'm hopeful to hear that you will have a counselor in your court.

[newaussiecuck]

Gaslighting is very destructive. I'm hopeful to hear that you will have a counselor in your court.

Thank you, at least I am aware of it now to be on guard against it. However it's VERY draining to be filtering everything and fighting it without causing another major blowup. I got about 2 hours of silent treatment last night as we watched the football game. All because I wanted to watch the game from the start, and she had already peaked at the score and wanted to skip the first half of the match.

Today is exactly 1 week since I saw L's mother last, maybe she'll be there tonight with L. OK I'm still probably clutching at straws.

Yes hopefully the counselling session will be good. Not sure if I can get in today or will have to wait for Wednesday.

[newaussiecuck]

My appointment by phone is within next half hour. It's with a lady so maybe not my preferred option but maybe it would be good to get a different perspective.

[newaussiecuck]

I spoke to the counsellor. Will try and write later what happened but she's pretty much validated my approach. That I've done everything that I could. She said I've been experiencing emotional abuse and threats of physical violence. She's given a few emergency counselling type numbers to call if I ever need it. She's taken my situation pretty seriously I would say.

I told her about my surgery, not going to see my dad with me when he was ill and not going to his funeral. I told her about going home from surgery by myself in the taxi and she said "That's straight out emotional abuse right there".

She's agreed that wife is just doing what she's doing now because she doesn't want to lose the comfortable life she has, rather than any sudden interest in my well-being.

She suggested that apart from calling one of the numbers to establish myself with them in case I need them later, that next step is I might want to speak with a divorce lawyer.

She reminded me that my physical and emotional safely is paramount and to look after myself and be on the lookout for signs of violence. Ring the emergency police number if I have to.

Wow!

[newaussiecuck]

The counsellor was pretty concerned that I don’t really have anyone around me to lean on. She suggested that I make it a priority to make more friends.

One thing she suggested was that I keep notes of things wife does and says so that I can refer back to it later as a reminder if I start to doubt myself. To keep me grounded and less vulnerable to her manipulation and gaslighting.

I'll speak to her again in 2 weeks. Wish it was sooner but that's her next available appointment.She encouraged me to ring one of the other numbers before then.

To be honest I don't know if I feel better or worse. A bit shaken to hear back from her about my situation. When I hear it back it's pretty bad and left me a bit shaken, but at the same time validated what I knew to be true but had a hard time accepting.

[ResponsibullCummings]

I think you've been given some great advice. Although a divorce might seem like an unpleasant experience and cause you to hold off, like pulling off a bandaid its better to get it over with. Meet with a lawyer. If you have your money in joint accounts, set up an account for just yourself so she doesn't clean you out. Continue with the counseling. After than it would be a good time to look at dating. Maybe setting up an online profile will be better than hoping you meet someone at the dog park. Even if L was single and interesting in dating, it's not a good time to be starting a new relationship. At the very least if you want to date getting to the point where you are separated and the papers have been filed would be the bare minimum. You need to be fully focused on dealing with your legal matters.