intro and going deeper into situation

[Oneillfranko]

Good to see you back, Jeremie. Looking forward to your updates, when you get the chance.

[elina]

Thanks Jeremy

Very glad to see you back and looking forward to learn about the progress your Wife and you have made.

Sincerely
elina

[venus-can99]

Jerome - hope things are well and a bit less busy with summer approaching…. Would be great to hear from you

[Jujube]

Boy, both Jeremie and Danny can really leave you hanging! I believe him when he says he’s working on an update. Patience is a virtue.

[Jeremie11231]

Okay, I'm feeling motivated to catch up a bit because things are starting to move again...

I left off after the first time I watched Emily and Josh.
After that first time being there myself and actually watching Emily and Josh together, things at first felt remarkably the same between Emily and me, at least outwardly. Maybe like the full impact hadn’t set in. Emily and I had PiV sex in the days that followed. That was more frequently than it had been before that. But even those times, all I could think about was comparing it to what I saw it was like with Josh. That made me cum really fast. Our PiV sex always lasted just minutes. She would always be very sweet about that – like it was cute. But I still felt bad and also kind of helpless to the fact that it was just reinforcing the growing sense between us that her sex with Josh wasn’t just fun – it was a necessity for her. Because whenever Josh came over, he would fuck her for most of an hour (in waves) and then they’d take a break for 20-30 minutes and then do it all over again.

I took comfort in the special intimacy of our sex – even with everything else that had happened, I was the only one who got to feel her pussy bare. (And maybe that’s part of why I came so fast.)

But after a few weeks, and as Josh continued to come over, I fell into a wave of discontent – something I have gone through multiple times since Emily started exploring sex with other men – what you might call a ‘crisis of ego’. This time, like most of the others, I couldn’t even say exactly what it was that I was upset about.

It might seem strange or irrational, that I could be okay with all these things so far, and then suddenly feel all these negative thoughts and feelings come up – it is strange even to me, in fact. But that’s the way it has gone all along. I’ll be okay with things (even if there is some angst) and then for no clear reason I get into a funk about it and feel irritated and down about it all. To add to the difficulty of it, I felt obligated to be supportive to Emily because I was the one who originally brought up the possibility of her connecting with other men and have encouraged her along the way. There is something just absolutely terrible about being a guy who encourages such a thing and then changes his mind and complains about it – I felt like I was becoming that guy, and I really didn’t want to be.

I remember struggling with this from the very first 24 hours after I first admitted to Emily that I had fantasies about her being with other guys. This deep dread hit me when I realized it might actually happen at some point. This fear that I had made a big mistake even to bring it up. That I might lose control over it and where it might lead.

And *now* it would just be weird for me to try to get them to hit the pause button. It would seem weak. Like I couldn’t handle it. And laughable – like, they would probably wonder if I actually thought it would change the truth, for them to stop. Once you see the truth, you can’t ‘unsee’ it.. And the fact that it was now a “them” to stop – not just her, but two people. You can’t just call ‘time out’ on real life.

This is the cuckold’s dilemma – and the thing about it is that it’s not just a concept – it truly is a real dilemma that is very difficult. I can’t stop being turned on by the idea of my wife having sex with another man. There was a time long ago when I tried to push the fantasy out of my head, but I eventually learned that was impossible. But the fantasy can’t be hot 100% of the time.
There eventually comes a time when it’s just soberingly clear that my wife Emily is fucking another man upstairs, more and more frequently. And she’s doing it not because I want her to, but because she wants it to be that way. And because *he* wants it that way. And that it’s going to happen regardless of whether I am in the mood for it.


She even knows sometimes that it’s not what I want to be happening. And while she may have compassion for that, and might recognize it’s not the best time to tease or taunt me with it, she would definitely not tell Josh he can’t come over. She is instead determined to get me to adjust. Because she knows I can and will adjust. She knows too much by now about the complicated feelings husbands like me get – she's read plenty of articles. She knows it’s not all a simple, straight line of progress.

If Josh could come over and fuck Emily only when I’m breathlessly turned on by it, then maybe there wouldn’t be any dilemma. But my mood and feelings don’t have a set schedule. And even if I did, it’s not Josh’s schedule. Ready or not, whether or not I’m feeling like being a cuck that day, when Josh could slip away to come over here is when he would be coming over.

It would be ideal to be able to say ‘yes’ to it happening a little bit more, in baby steps, whenever I felt ready – like someone choosing to swallow the next spoonful of food. Finish with one bite, then say yes to the next. But that’s not how it works. There are busy lives and schedules and desires and other things that determine when the next thing happens. It’s just “Josh is coming over tomorrow night.” Or “tonight”. Because that’s what works for his schedule and hers. Because that’s the night it can happen. I try to put myself in Josh’s shoes. Looking forward coming over to fuck Emily, and counting on her husband to be cool with it and to get used to it.

He’s a whole other person involved. Not a fantasy character or a sex toy. A real person with their own needs and expectations. It wouldn’t be fair of Emily just to cut him off from sex just because I wasn’t feeling like being a cuck that week.

I put myself in Emily’s shoes. Knowing her husband Jeremy isn’t totally into it this evening or this week. But hoping he can just chill and be patient. Hoping that if he is finding it too difficult he can just stay away from the bedroom door and keep busy with something else while she is with Josh.

And the worst part when I can’t hide my jealousy and resistance is that I feel even more exposed. It is so embarrassing to be seen by Emily in this way – when she knows I am grumpy and insecure and jealous and wish Josh weren’t coming over, but then act polite to him to his face and accept it when he’s here hanging out and then they go upstairs into that bedroom without me. Just for her to see me be so awkwardly put in my place. Or left in my place, I should say.

But Emily has come to learn through trial and error that really all she has to do is stay the course and eventually I get over whatever it is I’m stuck on and accept it. And she’s right… I do get over it. Maybe what works best for me is being given the dignity of being presented the truth as it is, plain and simple, without being overly ‘protected’ or ‘handled’ gently. There is a kind of last-stop dignity in accepting the truth as it is.

[Jujube]

Thank you so much for coming back and giving you an update on things as they stand Jeremie. I had a detailed reply to send, but the website is full of bugs, and told me I had to relog on as soon as I hit send! Grrrr. Again, thanks for touching base, your insights are always spot-on. There’s a lot to unpack here.

[venus-can99]

Thanks for the very introspective and informative post Jeremie. A wonderful insight into cuckold mindset with inner conflict and outward calm

[Amayzed]

Jeremie, thank you for sharing the complexities that come up in a fully realized version of this lifestyle. It means so much for many of us to fully ponder the shape that things can take. You are very articulate and generous with your time in telling your story.

[johnswan]

Hi Jeremie, and thank you for your update.

You've detailed the negative feelings that you get, but hopefully there are positive feelings to counterbalance them.
During your more positive periods, when Josh comes over, what do you do? What are your thoughts?

Do you think that you are gradually becoming more accepting of the situation?

I know that you are still referring to past events, but not sure how 'in the past' you are talking about.
Hopefully you are now happier with the situation.

Would you be happier if you were more involved?
Again, maybe by now you are.
I would think that if you participate more, then the situation becomes more positive, and these periods of doubt would diminish.

Anyway, thanks for your update, and looking forward to hearing how things have progressed.

[KarrieKraves]

Hey Jeremie, as Jujube has already stated above, thanks for returning with an update.

I’d like to once again commend you for sharing your journey here. This Thread has to rate up there within at least the top five threads I’ve ever come across during my time lurking here (and perhaps #1 in terms of a “teaching” tool) so thanks again for that.

It’s been basically 18 months (Apr/24) since you’ve updated the actual story line.

Would you mind sharing what happened to cause you to take this time away.

Also since you’ve begun this most recent update by stating:

“Okay, I'm feeling motivated to catch up a bit because things are starting to move again...”

Could you (at least briefly) explain what/how things changed (and) are starting to move again.

Really looking forward to the rest of the story

[elina]

......

But Emily has come to learn through trial and error that really all she has to do is stay the course and eventually I get over whatever it is I’m stuck on and accept it. And she’s right… I do get over it. Maybe what works best for me is being given the dignity of being presented the truth as it is, plain and simple, without being overly ‘protected’ or ‘handled’ gently. There is a kind of last-stop dignity in accepting the truth as it is.

Dear Jeremie

Thank you for sharing this wonderful post.
I am so grateful for your honesty and the way you share how you personally are living the cuckold's dilemma right now.

It is also wonderful to see how far you and Emily has come as a couple, where Emily now fully realize that She needs the sex with Josh, She also knows that this is challenging for you but that ultimately you want to stay the course and accept your place as Her loving-cuck husband.

To me, the ultimate truth of being a cuckold is to accept that it is imperative that your beloved Wife is happy and sexually fulfilled, and that when we cannot give Her what She needs, we are prepared to accept that the Lady is entitled to seek satisfaction elsewhere. And as you say, Josh has a stake in this too. It is important that he feels his desires are taken into account so that he can continue to please Emily. You welcoming him politely even when you are struggling as a cuckold is a true act of demonstrating your love for Emily and your desires for Her to be happy.

Maybe you already covered this, but my only suggestion is to ensure that you are intimate with Emily as soon as Josh leaves, my personal ideal is to lick the Lady's pussy while She is stroking my hair, feeling that She appreciates the sacrifice the cuck is making to ensure She is happy.

Sincerely
elina

[David52]

Jeremie: I want to add my thanks to the many who are excited to hear from you again. You are one of the most sensitive writers here.

I wonder if you could give us more context. How often does Josh come over? Do Josh and Emily see each other outside your house? You described Emily’s birthday party where some of her friends knew of their relationship. Has that circle widened and how has it effected things between you, Emily and your friends and family? Do you watch occasionally or was it a one time thing?

Like elina I wonder if you might be able to move forward if you lean in more to the D/s aspects. Chastity has worked well for me (us). It feels to me that you need more from Emily to feel more secure. If it works for you, chastity will require that Emily pay close attention to you.

[Jeremie11231]

Hi all - thanks very much for the warm responses.
I have a whole bunch of descriptions to drop here -- basically just going along in my 'cuck journal' writings and pulling out the main events and making it postable.

@David52 - all those questions will be answered by the events I'm about to describe.
I'm going to have to sacrifice some detail just to get ahead. I'm like Anondesires -- I like to write in detail, and then get overwhelmed when I get behind.

@Elina - totally agree (your take on things is always so on point)

@KarrieKraves - thanks so much for the kind comment. And like, I said, I'm gonna describe what's happened -- the big arc of it, at least.

@Jujube, Amayzed, Venuscan99, Johnswan -- same as above - thanks, I agree - and will continue updating!

[Jeremie11231]

Cock size -- a source and center of my angst and resistance

Just going to say a few things about what I really think about cock size, since that has been a huge and relentless focus of my angst and jealousy and envy and turn on, and everything. Personally, I think all penises are wonderful and with endless possibilities for sharing pleasure and connection and awesome sex. And there are a whole bunch of women who have different preferences. And so many arguments and debates.. Everyone is right – there are multiple truths.

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter what I think about cock size, or what any research surveys say or don’t say, or what “most women” think – what mattered here was what Emily thought.

I thought about her experience through all this – putting myself in her shoes and imagining some of the inner conflict and anxiety she must have had as she realized what was happening.

What is a woman like Emily supposed to do when or if she realizes that another man is satisfying her in a way that her husband never has?
When she realizes she spoke too soon in telling her husband that size did not matter to her?
When she realizes that a well hung man is giving her an experience of pleasure in sex that she had not known before? When she realizes that this man will know her and penetrate her to a depth that her husband never has and never will? That she will share an intimacy with this man that is fundamentally different than what she can share with her husband?
Does she try to deny it to herself? to forget about it?
Does she cut things off with that man and try to forget what it felt like? Hoping that she can go back to seeing sex with her husband the way she used to?
Or does she say yes to having him over again?
Does she let the connection go deeper?
And meanwhile, what to tell her husband? Does she play it down for his sake? Or is she completely transparent and honest about what she has discovered, and about what is happening for her?
It’s not an easy position for a married woman to find herself in.
Emily knew she hadn’t done anything wrong – I had expressed total green light to her having sex with another man. But she must have wondered if I *really* knew what that was turning out to mean. Now that she was having this other experience.

I wanted her to feel okay about it – I wanted her not to hold back from doing what she wanted.

And I wanted her to be honest with me, even if it hurt. What would hurt more – what I *really* didn’t want – was for her to withhold the truth from me to protect my ego.

I wanted to know the real truth, *and* (hopefully) to find out and feel reassured that she loved me just the same, regardless, and loved my penis just the way it was.
Emily always tells me she loves sex with me. I definitely believe her.

But she did admit the ways Josh’s cock felt better. Which were most ways.
He “filled her up”. In a way that I did not. In a way that no other guy she had been with ever had.
She said that she had enjoyed sex with other guys, but after Josh, she couldn’t help but notice and think about the difference.

Then there is the effect of size on confidence and attitude. Being able to show up and know that whatever happened, they were going to be able to provide something intense if they wanted to.
It was a confidence I could never have, I thought – especially not anymore. The confidence of a man looking down at a woman sucking his cock, choosing his cock over her husband’s. The confidence of a man watching a woman allowing him to make a total cuck of her husband. Hearing the sound of her whimper his name out loud, even though her husband might hear.

I remember sometimes hearing him ask her before entering her, "are you ready?" I just can't imagine having to ask that. Like, it was going to be such a big deal, you needed extra preparation.

I might have already said this before – can’t remember – but when I saw Josh’s cock next to Emily and her little hands, and then having sex with her, one thing I knew for sure: sex with him was going to feel SERIOUSLY different than sex with me. Better? Worse? People can debate all they want about whether size “matters”. I don’t know – does anything matter?

[venus-can99]

Thanks for the update the angst on cock sizes and what you feel Emily may think. It appears that you have had detailed discussions with Emily about this. Perhaps it may be time to talk about what she loves about you - sex, family, security, and so on - and about Josh. Is Josh using condoms or now bareback in her?

[Angsty Cuck]

Thanks for updating Jeremie! Big fan of your thread, your writing style and the way you describe the gut wrenching emotions of this lifestyle.

[Jujube]

I remember in the early days, your listening outside the door to Emily and Josh, and the adrenaline you were experiencing drew your little cock into a nub. I know that hits home the difference between you and Emily’s lover.

[Jeremie11231]

Thanks for the update the angst on cock sizes and what you feel Emily may think. It appears that you have had detailed discussions with Emily about this. Perhaps it may be time to talk about what she loves about you - sex, family, security, and so on - and about Josh. Is Josh using condoms or now bareback in her?

Yes, we've had a lot of discussions and she pretty early on realized she was just going to have to be super blunt. She's a very sweet and gentle person but also brutally blunt - kind of part of her personality.

Re: question about condoms - that discussion is coming -- I promise you all I'm going to zoom through a lot of developments, because the truth is, I have so much written down throughout the past 18 months, I really just have to fill in a few gaps and clean things up to be able to post it here. So buckle up...

[Jeremie11231]

I remember in the early days, your listening outside the door to Emily and Josh, and the adrenaline you were experiencing drew your little cock into a nub. I know that hits home the difference between you and Emily’s lover.

Yes... omg, the adrenaline and what it does to me down there...

[Jeremie11231]

Okay, so, another topic -- one that has played a lot into my anxiety/angst/resistance: the possibility of Emily having an orgasm from sex for the first time ever, and it happening with Josh instead of me.

I don't think I've specifically brought this up here before, but the whole time I've been with her, Emily has never been able to reach orgasm from PiV sex. When we first started dating there were times when it really seemed like she was orgasming, but she told me it was just really pleasurable and that she never experienced orgasms from PiV sex – never had with other partners before she met me, never with me, and maybe never would. She also hardly ever had orgasms from oral or really any kind of partner stimulation – only from her own hand or vibrator toys she holds. So sometimes she would do that while I lay next to her, caressing her body. On very rare occasions she orgasmed from me playing with her with my fingers.

That very first time she had sex with Josh, the sounds I heard her making through the door made me think she might even orgasm that very night. And that if she did not, then for sure she would if she kept seeing him. That was a big driver of my angst and fear that first night and going forward after that. I really didn’t want that to happen.

Why would I not want her to have an orgasm from sex with Josh? It sounds selfish, because of course why shouldn’t she be able to experience that pleasure? So I’ve asked myself what is upsetting about the idea and I think it just comes down to fear of missing out on a level of intimacy that happens from orgasming during PiV sex – fear of what would happen to our connection if she had that uniquely intense experience with someone else and not with me. Fear of losing her totally to it? Fear about how I would feel – it was too much of an unknown – what if I couldn’t handle the jealousy? Or a feeling of hopeless inadequacy? What if I just cracked and lost my mind? I don’t even know what it would mean to “not be able to handle it”, but I was afraid of finding out.

I even remember my thoughts that first night she was in the bedroom with Josh, with the door closed and locked, and how I stepped outside the house just to gather my thoughts and calm myself down a little bit. I felt overwhelmed and I was realizing I had got more than I bargained for in embarking on this cuckold play thing. It seems so very naive, I know – but I guess I was counting on it being hot for her to have sex with other guys mostly just because it was *another* guy, and maybe a little different or hotter in some ways. I was not prepared for her to have sex that sounded like it was on a whole different level of sex altogether. I was not prepared to hear her react to a big cock in the way I was hearing – contradicting everything she had ever said about how she did *not* prefer big cocks. And those sounds were making me have other doubts. Like that maybe it wasn’t really true that she couldn’t get an orgasm from PiV sex.

As she did continue to see him and did not have any orgasms, I gradually became confident that it wasn’t going to happen with him, which actually made me feel better – it just confirmed that it didn’t mean anything about me that she had never had an orgasm from our PiV sex. She could have this amazing sex and still not have an actual orgasm. Which meant it was possible for sex with me to be amazing even though she did not have orgasms from it.

But it always remained this fear – this possibility. There were times listening through the door when my heart started to race with this intense angst and anxiety because it sounded like she might be about to have an orgasm, and I just wouldn’t be able to handle the jealousy that would come from that.

And lately there had been more frequent moments like that – ever since I first ate Josh’s cum, interestingly enough. (Some connection to that?) And the orgasm topic kept playing in my mind repeatedly. I wouldn’t bring it up to Emily, except that sometimes I’d anxiously ask her if she had come during sex (when it sounded intense enough for there to be a question of it), and she always shook her head and said ‘no’, and I would feel this silent relief.

[Angsty Cuck]

Can’t wait to hear more.

[elina]

Dear Jeremie,

Thank you for more wonderful updates.

I fully agree and understand with your desire for Emily to be completely honest with you on the kind of pleasures She is experiencing with Josh. I would add that I think all of us also struggle with being able to be completely honest with ourselves, humans have a tendency to seek comfort in denial, it appears to help but i reality it is only a drug that prevents us from realizing personal growth and insight.

As for your hint about how you eating Josh cum out of Emily's wonderful used pussy, to me the act of cleaning the pussy of the Lady you love after She has allowed Her Bull / Boyfriend to release in Her is the proper way to demonstrate acceptance and devotion. Looking forward to hearing more from you on this topic. As a romantic, I hope that Emily experienced this devotion from you and that it contributed to bringing the two of you closer as a couple.

Sincerely
elina

[Jeremie11231]

I thought about her experience through all this – putting myself in her shoes and imagining some of the inner conflict and anxiety she must have had as she realized what was happening. What is a woman like Emily supposed to do when or if she realizes that another man is satisfying her in a way that her husband never has?
When she realizes she spoke too soon in telling her husband that size did not matter to her?
When she realizes that a well hung man is giving her an experience of pleasure in sex that she had not known before? When she realizes that this man will know her and penetrate her to a depth that her husband never has and never will? That she will share an intimacy with this man that is fundamentally different than what she can share with her husband?
Does she try to deny it to herself? to forget about it?
Does she cut things off with that man and try to forget what it felt like? Hoping that she can go back to seeing sex with her husband the way she used to?
Or does she say yes to having him over again?
Does she let the connection go deeper?
And meanwhile, what to tell her husband? Does she play it down for his sake? Or is she completely transparent and honest about what she has discovered, and about what is happening for her?
It’s not an easy position for a married woman to find herself in.
Emily knew she hadn’t done anything wrong – I had expressed total green light to her having sex with another man. But she must have wondered if I *really* knew what that was turning out to mean. Now that she was having this other experience.

Emily was also starting to look to Josh’s leadership in this. Josh is very intelligent and intentional and she knew he didn’t want to do anything to hurt our relationship or our marriage. But he also wanted Emily to be true to her real needs and desires. And he knew she was never going to be able simply to forget what sex with him felt like.

He knew what he was giving her was a very good thing for her and was part of a deeply healthy process of sexual awakening for a woman who had fallen into a state of being out of touch with what she really wanted.

So, you could say Josh’s goal for me was for me to accept his visits without interfering, and without her having to feel guilty. And for me to understand that she did love me and was fully committed to me as my wife, so that I’d stay sufficiently docile while he advanced into the position of being the dominant male in her sex life and he could take over fully as her sex partner without any doubts or confusion.

And I think he knew that it was never going to be fully sustainable until and unless it was clear to Emily that I understood and accepted what was really going on.

Maybe he could sense, or see in her face during sex – that she was still torn between letting go fully into it, and keeping it under control somehow. Something in her face was saying to him, ‘this is so good it must be too dangerous’. She didn’t want to imperil her marriage, nor to hurt me (more than a necessary or ‘medicinal’ amount, at least). And maybe Josh knew intuitively that to move into the next level, she needed to know that she had me in the bag no matter what – that I was in complete acceptance and fully committed, even though what was happening was going to be not just fun sex, but something that was going to transform Emily forever.

I’m sure he reassured her that I would go along with it – whenever and if she seemed anxious about where things were headed. I think at some subconscious level at least he knew that she would feel less confused or conflicted about giving herself to him if she could see him and me as completely different types of men – if she could see me as totally submissive, then she wouldn’t feel guilty or conflicted about surrendering deeply to her desire for Josh as her dominant man. And she was letting herself be guided by his confidence. But in retrospect I believe he wanted not just to tell her, but to show her.

[Jujube]

That whole concept is just so achingly hot. Have they graduated to be a bit more intimate in front of you, kissing, sitting on his lap, etc. I imagine Emily has gotten to the point of not being able to control herself when he is around, it being such a long and intimate relationship in the first place.

[Jeremie11231]

That whole concept is just so achingly hot. Have they graduated to be a bit more intimate in front of you, kissing, sitting on his lap, etc. I imagine Emily has gotten to the point of not being able to control herself when he is around, it being such a long and intimate relationship in the first place.

Yes - more about to come. Big long post -- hope that's okay...
About a two-day double visit from Josh that was a massive turning point.