Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[FNQLivin]

If you’ve overheard conversations, just tell her. She’ll either lie some more or tell you the truth. At least you won’t be spying on her. If she’s doing nothing wrong, that breach of privacy and trust would be damaging.

[drstrangelove]

Major Update.

After my last edit in the last post, they were all wrapping up to go to bed. I overheard her mom tell her that she can always trust her with anything and she apologized for “telling her dad.”

I felt like I had more than enough at that point and something was up. I sat in bed and waited for her to come up. I challenged her on overhearing some of her convo—she played dumb. After a few minutes, I said: “I know you’re cheating. I need you to just start talking and be totally honest.”

I should note that the following conversation lasted throughout the night until 7 a.m., so I won’t be able to give all the details. I’ll just note that my main point of emphasis was her telling the truth.

She began to tell me what happened—after a December holiday office party, she took a cab to the train with a younger co-worker. In the cab they kissed—he initiated and she reciprocated. She said it was passionate.

It didn’t ring true to me—seemed too juvinial for all the drama I overheard over the past few days. Her counter was that for her, a kiss is deeply meaningful and she didn’t need to do more.

We then talked about it and how she told her mom and sister a couple of weeks after it happened—her mom got very upset with her and told her dad, who has not spoken to her since it happened.

I told her that I was not upset by the kiss, just upset that she lied and hid it from me. After a few hours of talking, I pivoted to the sexual nature of it and how a part of it actually turned me on. I questioned if she’d have gone further had I not caught her and she said she had no plans to fuck him, but potentially could have kissed him again. I told her I wasn’t automatically opposed to it, but we would have to do it with joint consent and she kind of laughed it off.

We eventually started to kiss, following a HJ. After a few minutes, I noted how I can’t believe I just gave her a hall pass and she laughed again, moving down to blow me. I was close to cuming, so I asked her if she’d ever blow a guy like this?

She responded, “No.”

So I said, “Really?”

She lifted her head up and looked me in the eyes and said: “with another guy, I’d swallow every drop.”

I’ll just note that it was the hottest thing anyone has ever said to me. I told her to kiss me after I came so I could taste it (I’ve never had the balls to ask that, but I was incredibly horny).

She swallowed most of it and then tongue kissed me with the residue.

We then went to bed and she wanted to cuddle.

It’s around 3 a.m. now, but it is not the end of the night.

I lied there for 20-30 minutes while she slept. And her story just didn’t make sense to me. It was just too easy and harmless—felt like something a middle-schooler would do, not a 37-year old.

I caved and took her phone to the bathroom. My initial goal was to go back to her mom’s conversation on Dec/Jan to see what she said then. Unfortunately, the texts stopped before then—went to early Feb only. I read through and there were lots of flags. A ton of talking bad about me and tons of hints toward her indiscretion.

The part that grabbed my attention was her text about going to a PTA cocktail hour. She sent a pic to her mom of her sexy outfit (her mom discouraged her from wearing it). Then my wife got back to her afterward, and said “But you know why I wore it, right? I met her tonight and it was so awkward. Also another guy msged me on Facebook and said how pretty I looked.”

So now I knew something was up in town, which I suspected, but didn’t know what or who yet.

So I started digging through other convos looking for more flags or mislabeled contacts, etc. I found nothing significant until I finally got back to her sister’s text chain. It was one long indictment. It also only went back to early Feb or so, but first text from her sister was about how she can related because she had an affair with a married man.

I kept reading and my wife noted that she “doesn’t even think what she did was wrong” with a shrug emoji.

Shortly after my wife wrote: “Ok, now I’m the bad guy. I just did it again.”

At that point I just broke apart. Yes knowing that she was having an affair was brutal, but her lying to me all night with lies when I told her all I cared about was the truth just devastated me.

I woke her up and showed the phone convo. She was out of it. I told her to start over—this time only truth or it was likely the end of our marriage. She was rattled.

Told me it was a guy on the PTA (I met him in Sept. and shook his hand). That they had sex once, in his car. I immediately called her bull shit because I had a text of her saying she did it twice.

She was still trying to lie, but too disoriented from lack of sleep and trying to save face still. I was furious, but kept my cool. I got the full story.

He kissed her at the PTA holiday party. He would then call her on occasion, always when she was at work or she was home and I was at work—they’d also set up times to talk at night and she’d plan to stay up late to watch shows without me—if you recall the awkward time I caught her watching vampire diaries, she was talking with him through her ear buds instead.

She met him midday in mid-January in a big parking lot in town. She called her mom before she went as she was nervous—her mom tried to stop her from going, it she wanted to see where it would lead. She parked next to him, got in passenger seat and they chatted a bit. Then started kissing—then moved to back seat and got naked. He used a condom and fucked her missionary.

They spent the next few weeks talking via phone—never text—and she would delete the phone calls afterward. They met again in mid-Feb and fucked in the same lot in back of his car. Again, condom and missionary.

That night, she wanted to fuck me—she had me fuck her hard on the couch. She wanted rough sex from me. After I finish typing this up I’ll look back and find the exact date as I probably wrote about that session in this thread. We had sex a few times on the couch in Feb, all at her request.

The next event was the sexy dress PTA night—there she met the guy’s wife briefly. A week or so later, she met the wife again, but this time had an extended convo and she was very sweet, so my wife felt horrible. She claims that was point where she knew she wanted to break it off, but I’m virtually certain she is lying about that. Based on what I overheard in the convos with her mom and sister, she was very much torn on what to do about the affair.

The last time they spoke was when he called her a couple of weeks ago, right after our return from Miami. He asked to see her again soon and she said she’s see.

She claims the Miami trip further solidified her decision to break it off with him. She hasn’t heard from him since last talk—she noted on FaceBook he had a death in the family and assumes that’s why.

I’m leaving out so much, but I’m on no sleep and my hands are shaking writing this. I have no idea how to react. Her actions were so incredibly reckless—she fucked a married man, with a kid in our child’s grade, in a parking lot in broad daylight in the town I’ve lived my entire life. Twice.

She risked our entire life, and it’s a big possibility that he could have told any of his friends and that at some point his wife will find out if she doesn’t already know. The potential drama fallout is beyond my comprehension.

And most importantly, we have two kids, 7 and 3. Her entire family knows about her affair, but now doesn’t know I know. And no one I know knows anything about it—and I’ll very likely keep it that way.

I guess I’ll wrap up saying that I know this forum is meant for erotic cuckolding, and I suppose this step has the potential to get me to that lifestyle—but it also has the potential to destroy multiple lives. I don’t know what to do, but I’m doing my best not do anything rash until my mind can accept what has happened.

I’ve been writing in this “journal” for years and truthfully, I felt like a fraud because I was so far from being a cuckold. I just kept writing out of habit.

It’s all surreal.

Edit: it’s my post on the last page from Jan 22. She was talking with him and getting horny, then coming upstairs to fool around with me. And I said it then! I fucking said I thought she was talking to another guy.

[Whosbeensleeping]

It seems you've always had a steady hand, despite challenges. I believe that will serve you well in this time of truths revealed.

[Chrislydi]

There seems to have has been a severe breakdown of trust after repeated lies from her. You maintain you have no cuckold tendencies, so on that basis the whole foundation of the marriage now looks to be under threat. You may look into counselling but she will have to be far more truthful before any possible way forward could be found.

[Guhunkadorn]

Was afraid something like this was going on.

The cuck kink is in your head, not hers.

Now your wife, SIL & MIL see you as a lesser man - one to be pitied - and two marriages are in more trouble than you fully realize; the situation you've uncovered thus far is 10% of the iceberg.

Seek marriage ( for both ) and individual counseling, but also legal advice, and inform your wife your doing so. She needs to know, unequivocally, that her nonconsensual affair with a married man is done, in the trash heap, or else that's where your marriage to her will be.

I've wished you good luck in previous posts and I mean it now more than ever.

[nekkedoutdoors]

Put all talk of cuckolding (Which you are now by the way, an unwilling one, but a cuck none-the-less) and hall passes on hold! All conversations about her affair must be held in any other room but the bedroom and while fully clothed. Until she is completely and totally honest, shows total remorse for her actions you can not have any semblance of an open relationship.

The advice from Guhunkadorn should be strongly considered.

"Seek marriage ( for both ) and individual counseling, but also legal advice, and inform your wife your doing so. She needs to know, unequivocally, that her nonconsensual affair with a married man is done, in the trash heap, or else that's where your marriage to her will be."

[chris]

I suggest

1. putting all cuckolding on complete hold,

2. gather evidence before confronting. What she did is classic — she was partially caught, you demanded the truth, she told it and swore to it, but oops there was more, much more. Trust went down even more.

3. imagine your life going forward with her. Then without her. Don’t act yet, but start the process, meaning start working on the things you’ll need with her and without her. Having a good “backup” plan allows you to make a better decision.

Lastly the odds of this happening again are high. You should quit this forum and join a cheating spouse recovery forum instead

Good luck!

[Chrislydi]

I must admit my initial reaction with little or no trust left, her repeated dishonesty and bare faced lies was that the marriage looks all but doomed. However with such deep feelings involved, it's imperative to give her one last chance and for both partners to attend counselling. Individual and joint sessions are the normal procedure as the reasons why the cheating occurred are explored.

The advice to find out legal implications and get your affairs in hand alongside this, seems very sound to me. I wouldn't delay securing any assets as any split could be painful.

I would also agree on leaving this forum, there are forums far more suited with people who have been through this sort of situation before

[drstrangelove]

Hey guys, I greatly appreciate all the advice and it mirrors my own instinct.

I’ve now spent the entire morning, from 9:15 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. digging into every rock, every detail. Going through my texts, her texts, her time line and vetting her intent along the way.

Her massive rolling lies throughout last night don’t make me feel confident I have the whole truth, but I think it’s close.

She had sex with him twice.

First on Jan. 12 around noon, missionary with a condom.
Then again on Feb. 2 around noon, BJ and doggystyle.

She got scared a bit leading up to second meet and terrified afterward when she spent an evening talking with his wife. I also suspect the guy got spooked seeing them talk as he was there as well.

She thinks the affair was over, but I don’t—I am confident it has potential to continue if I didn’t catch her.

As you all noted, all of her reaction is textbook. Right now she’ll say or do anything to save the marriage. So this all falls on me and my first instinct is to do nothing for a couple of days. I really need to absorb this.

I also am willing to fight to avoid divorce on behalf of my children. Splitting up would be absolutely horrific. I do have a prenup in place. So finances would be largely ok if it comes to that.

I did point out the irony of all of this to her—I came clean as well very directly about my cuckold fetish and how selfish she was for going rogue rather than doing this as a partnership. She amenable to fixing out sexlife together, but what else is she going to say now? I told her the first step needs to be restoring communication and trust and most of the work needs to be on her end.

We’re going to have some tests for her in the near and intermediate future. First off, the guy is likely to call her any day now—and I told her we need to be unified in how we handle it.

We also need to handle her mother and sister (and father) to settle down that chaos.

In this moment, my biggest immediate fear is finding anyway to trust anything she ever says again. The amount of lies all night are unforgivable.

And I agree with those of you who said this will happen again unchecked. She admitted, with context included, the first sex session she had was the best experience of her life. She had felt so bored and uninspired with sex, but the danger, risk, taboo, sneakiness of the act made it incredibly exciting. She loved the validation she got from him and loved how horny it made her. We were having the best sex of our relationship during the affair, so I believe her there.

So yea, my immediate plan is to see if she can communicate again. She’s a horrible liar and I’ll be ready to walk away at the first sign of bull shit. I can’t upend my children's lives without taking a few deep breaths first.

As for the forum, I think I’d like to stay here. I don’t know where it ends—and it certainly isn’t promising now—but I’ve used this as a journal for this relationship and I want to see it through a bit longer.

Thank you all.

[Mad Dog65]

Echoing others here on this forum I fully support the suggestions on counseling for yourself and the two of you. I had a very similar experience with my wife 25 years ago and then again about 7 years ago. We have stayed together and found a path forward that is now built on a foundation of radical honesty and transparency. I understand your feelings about the lying being the worst of it all and this is the hardest to overcome. Divorce was an option for us and I put it out there. I also did not want us to have a zombie marriage for the sake of the kids, etc. I really wanted to transform our marriage and she did too.

I agree that you consider leaving the board. Focus on you, your children and finding a pathway forward.

MD

[drstrangelove]

It seems you've always had a steady hand, despite challenges. I believe that will serve you well in this time of truths revealed.

I really want to thank you especially for this post. It made me tear up. I will not make a rash decision off no sleep and confused emotions.

I’ll be back to update this thread when I can.

[chris]

As MD points out, this can be a silver lining. It's an opportunity for a total reset, all cards on the table. If you're able to convince your spouse of this and she's a willing participant in a "bare-all" moment and a fundamental realignment going forward, this can be an opportunity to improve your marriage.

However, the odds are very much against you. There is wisdom behind the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater". In addition, your cuckolding fetish is working against you.

Individual and Couples counseling is a really good way to improve the odds. Another is to cut contact with bad influences (people) and patterns -- cut contact with the guy, and certainly you will have to deal with the complicit MIL and SIL, and I think that will be a huge challenge because as family they are on her side no matter what.

Good luck!

[drstrangelove]

As MD points out, this can be a silver lining. It's an opportunity for a total reset, all cards on the table. If you're able to convince your spouse of this and she's a willing participant in a "bare-all" moment and a fundamental realignment going forward, this can be an opportunity to improve your marriage.

However, the odds are very much against you. There is wisdom behind the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater". In addition, your cuckolding fetish is working against you.

Individual and Couples counseling is a really good way to improve the odds. Another is to cut contact with bad influences (people) and patterns -- cut contact with the guy, and certainly you will have to deal with the complicit MIL and SIL, and I think that will be a huge challenge because as family they are on her side no matter what.

Good luck!

We’re going to do counseling. It is a chance to reset, but I’m worried that once the dust clears, she won’t be able to deal with the hardship of saving it.

She’s been crying all day, but it rings hollow for me—she’s upset she got caught, not that she did it.

I read through the texts from MIL and SIL last night. Sister was firmly against it and trying to counsel her to stop immediately. Mother stopped talking to her for a few weeks, but ultimately was there to support her. Her father hasn’t spoken to her in months. Not that any of that is helpful—it’s all awkward.

Edit: The other issue is the guy and her social life now in town. He’s on the PTA with her—they’re both on the same committee of three people. She can cut off ties with him directly, but can’t avoid being around him unless she quits PTA (and she’s supposed to staff an event this week). I suggested she go cold turkey and leave PTA, but I’m going to leave it up to her as I’m not about to generate any resentment.

As for her social circle, it’s a large group of moms and dads in our town that she met at start of school year in Sept (when she met guy). She’s now going to have to avoid any large planned events that he’ll be attending.

It’s all incredibly difficult and I don’t think she has a firm grasp of the severity of the shitstorm we’re in. We both are all for seeing a therapist, so hopefully that sets a tone and provides good guidance.

[drstrangelove]

I also want to add, I dug back into the dates. On Jan. 12, she was on her period—she said it wasn’t a heavy flow and they fucked through it. Of note, earlier that week I was eating her out when her period began and then as soon as it ended, on the 15th, she asked me to eat her out again during the football. She specifically requested head from me to bookend her first fuck with another guy. I know it should be hot, but it’s all so disrespectful behind my back.

Then on Feb. 2, she asked me to fuck he hard on the couch doggystle after she blew him and fucked him doggy earlier that day. I hadn’t cum in days, so that was one of the times I came in a few seconds and she laughed at me.

All of this is fucking surreal.

[FNQLivin]

She lied and she cheated. She did what millions of people did. She sought excitement, fun, outside of her normal, boring life. The trust is broken, the feelings real and raw. Divorce is not to be taken lightly, for as much as you assume it would turn out, the law has a habit of challenging our preconceptions. Talk, go away, do something to find the bond that’s kept you together to this date and reignite it. She cheated because she wanted more, the excitement. She lied because just about everyone would in that situation.

Take some time away from this place.

[drstrangelove]

She lied and she cheated. She did what millions of people did. She sought excitement, fun, outside of her normal, boring life. The trust is broken, the feelings real and raw. Divorce is not to be taken lightly, for as much as you assume it would turn out, the law has a habit of challenging our preconceptions. Talk, go away, do something to find the bond that’s kept you together to this date and reignite it. She cheated because she wanted more, the excitement. She lied because just about everyone would in that situation.

Take some time away from this place.

I’m heading to my mom’s for the night to get some clarity. Ultimately, I hope you’re right. But at the end of the day she fucked a father at my son’s school behind my back at noon on a Wednesday in the middle of my hometown—twice.

The disrespect to me is astronomical and her arrogance before she got caught is impossible for me to understand.

[nekkedoutdoors]

It was suggested that you seek legal counselling. I highly suggest you do that, but if you chose not to, I still suggest that you let her know that you have. You should also tell her that you have obtained the wife's contact information and any further contact on her part with the husband and you will have no choice but to inform the wife of the affair.

While they might be empty threats, you must let her know in no uncertain terms that you are not fucking around. It sounds extreme, but you just wrote; "She’s been crying all day, but it rings hollow for me—she’s upset she got caught, not that she did it." and "I don’t think she has a firm grasp of the severity of the shitstorm we’re in." A reality check of consequences will certainly give a much better understanding of "the shitstorm" you're in.

[drstrangelove]

It was suggested that you seek legal counselling. I highly suggest you do that, but if you chose not to, I still suggest that you let her know that you have. You should also tell her that you have obtained the wife's contact information and any further contact on her part with the husband and you will have no choice but to inform the wife of the affair.

While they might be empty threats, you must let her know in no uncertain terms that you are not fucking around. It sounds extreme, but you just wrote; "She’s been crying all day, but it rings hollow for me—she’s upset she got caught, not that she did it." and "I don’t think she has a firm grasp of the severity of the shitstorm we’re in." A reality check of consequences will certainly give a much better understanding of "the shitstorm" you're in.

I have a prenup with her and I plan to contact my lawyer to note the event.

As for the guy—we’ve discussed and she’s going to call him in the morning to separate entirely. I have no interest in meddling with his wife. Any further contact with the guy behind my back would end the marriage anyway—of all the coming possibilities, I don’t think that one’s coming. This does not seem to be an in-depth emotional relationship, though I suppose it could have become one. I think the guy is glad to get out without incident at this point.

[nekkedoutdoors]

I think my point is riding the jet stream safely overhead. Best of luck with everything. I truly hope you both work out an amicable solution for the sake of your kids.

[chris]

I wouldn't contact the guy's wife. I wouldn't even threaten that. This is between you and your wife, and separately, between him and his wife. Let him deal with his own shitshow, you deal with yours. I'm glad to hear all contact is broken.

Also I wouldn't tell wife about contacting lawyer. I wouldn't remind her of the prenup.

Basically, if you are looking to reconcile and save your marriage, I think it's best to avoid all types of threats. Focus on the positive... the "reset", the opportunity to pivot into an awesome marriage with all cards on the table, that sort of thing.

The delicate balance will be your need to monitor and be watchful going forward given the gigantic breach of trust, and her need for privacy & dignity.

[jratt85]

Sorry to say but... I told you so months ago. Leave it to an autistic person like me to see patterns that you don't. I've read FAR too many stories/articles about cheaters and cuckolds over the last 20 years and there's been some unmistakable signs, especially with her being so attached to her phone, getting pissed of at you for interrupting her time with whoever's on the phone and then coming to bed completely raring to go.. Women don't switch THAT fast and whoever was on the phone turned her on to the point that she fucked the only cock available to her at that time.. likely under his order with the promise of a special reward for it.. I'm betting not only is she cheating but she likely is with a guy with a huge cock and also is his submissive.. something you've shown is your role so now she has her Dom telling her what to do to be his good little slut. She likely has just sheltered you from the truth about how slutty she was in the past because she knew that you not only couldn't handle it but also could never be the dominant man that she needs.

As with so many other men, now you just need to get the truth out of her and figure out if your love is strong enough to really live as her cuckold, or if your pride and self esteem are stronger and you'll kick her to the curb and let her enjoy the fruits of her passion, at the cost of her family.

EDIT after finishing reading the last page instead of just the prior post: It's sad that you got so screwed over by her.. Had you been a little more open about your kink and less affraid of her reaction saying how over being slutty she was, maybe you could've explored the hotwife/cuckold dynamic together but her swearing to you that those days were in the past made you believe her and hold your desires to yourself only sharing them here instead of with her.. It all comes back to being her fault in the end. It's all because of what she told you and her lack of communicating with you of what she really needed that she decided to cheat and lie.. Communication is the key to any relationship, and she completely dropped the ball causing you to follow suit..

Don't get me wrong, nothing can change her being a liar and continually deceiving you.. That is inexcusable and unforgivable in my book, but then I've never been in love and have trust issues and a very black and white mindset thanks to being autistic and all the shit I've gone through in my life.. I'm a lot less forgiving than some. Conversation and trust, that's all that holds a relationship together, and she's shit all over both..

I hope you are able to make the right decision for you and what will make you happy.. Don't just stay in a negative relationship for your kids, the sour environment full of resentment is no place for kids to be raised.. It's better they are raised in two happy homes with happy parents than one broken home full of hate. Take care my friend, and trust in your instincts.

[gordon921]

drstrangelove, sorry about your situation.

"I wouldn't contact the guy's wife. I wouldn't even threaten that. This is between you and your wife, and separately, between him and his wife. Let him deal with his own shitshow, you deal with yours. I'm glad to hear all contact is broken."

1. The reason for contacting his wife is to ensure the affair is shutdown from both ends, at the moment he is facing no real consequences for his actions. (You will find 99% recommend this unless there are some extenuating circumstances at the site below.)
2. Turn the tables, would you like the wife to contact you and let you know if you were unaware?

google surviving infidelity. You will get some harsh reactions if you post, some of the betrayed spouses take a very hard line on infidelity, but some are very good, take what you need for you...

Wish you all the best.

[drstrangelove]

Sorry to say but... I told you so months ago. Leave it to an autistic person like me to see patterns that you don't. I've read FAR too many stories/articles about cheaters and cuckolds over the last 20 years and there's been some unmistakable signs, especially with her being so attached to her phone, getting pissed of at you for interrupting her time with whoever's on the phone and then coming to bed completely raring to go.. Women don't switch THAT fast and whoever was on the phone turned her on to the point that she fucked the only cock available to her at that time.. likely under his order with the promise of a special reward for it.. I'm betting not only is she cheating but she likely is with a guy with a huge cock and also is his submissive.. something you've shown is your role so now she has her Dom telling her what to do to be his good little slut. She likely has just sheltered you from the truth about how slutty she was in the past because she knew that you not only couldn't handle it but also could never be the dominant man that she needs.

As with so many other men, now you just need to get the truth out of her and figure out if your love is strong enough to really live as her cuckold, or if your pride and self esteem are stronger and you'll kick her to the curb and let her enjoy the fruits of her passion, at the cost of her family.

EDIT after finishing reading the last page instead of just the prior post: It's sad that you got so screwed over by her.. Had you been a little more open about your kink and less affraid of her reaction saying how over being slutty she was, maybe you could've explored the hotwife/cuckold dynamic together but her swearing to you that those days were in the past made you believe her and hold your desires to yourself only sharing them here instead of with her.. It all comes back to being her fault in the end. It's all because of what she told you and her lack of communicating with you of what she really needed that she decided to cheat and lie.. Communication is the key to any relationship, and she completely dropped the ball causing you to follow suit..

Don't get me wrong, nothing can change her being a liar and continually deceiving you.. That is inexcusable and unforgivable in my book, but then I've never been in love and have trust issues and a very black and white mindset thanks to being autistic and all the shit I've gone through in my life.. I'm a lot less forgiving than some. Conversation and trust, that's all that holds a relationship together, and she's shit all over both..

I hope you are able to make the right decision for you and what will make you happy.. Don't just stay in a negative relationship for your kids, the sour environment full of resentment is no place for kids to be raised.. It's better they are raised in two happy homes with happy parents than one broken home full of hate. Take care my friend, and trust in your instincts.

I agree that lots of signs were there in the last few months—and I’m sure I didn’t share everything. Looking back, I think I just felt like she would never cross the line into a physical relationship. I was naive.

I also agree that I don’t understand the full extent of their relationship. She claims the extent of it was the two sex sessions in the backseat of her car and phone calls a couple of nights a week for several weeks where they had very traditional cyber sex. She has never been interested in full masterbation, so she’s run herself a bit while they talked and then presumably after he finished, she’d come upstairs and fool around with me to get her O.

I don’t know if that’s the full extent of it, but I have to assume not because of how easily she lies about everything. It’s not just these big lies, she lies about stupid things all day long—she does it instinctively.

I had a bit of sleep last night, but I still don’t know what to do next. I can’t imagine ever trusting her again and I think she’ll cheat again—or I’ll destroy us by accusing her of cheating all the time now (which will likely manifest itself into it happening anyway).

I also am not sure she really loves me. She felt justified to cheat and she told her family that it was a good thing because it was helping our sexlife. Just two days ago she was actively debating between continuing the affair and calling it off and she couldn’t decide. Now she’s a pile of tears and apologies—it’s all so transparently fake. If this ever blows over and we continue a relationship, she will be right back where she was resenting me and justifying an affair.

On the other side, I also can’t fathom a divorce. We built a dream home together and have two young kids in a great school system. We’d swap to a life in some local condo sharing kids on altering days or whatever. I know what divorce can do to kids—though you’re right that living in a home without love is worse.

I want to be able to fix things and make this work, but the wound is too fresh and I can’t see that future right now.

It’s two horrible choices. I’ll keep breathing—which is so bizarrely hard for me right now. I’ve never had a significant anxiety attack and it feels like I’ve been in the middle of one for two days.

[drstrangelove]

drstrangelove, sorry about your situation.

"I wouldn't contact the guy's wife. I wouldn't even threaten that. This is between you and your wife, and separately, between him and his wife. Let him deal with his own shitshow, you deal with yours. I'm glad to hear all contact is broken."

1. The reason for contacting his wife is to ensure the affair is shutdown from both ends, at the moment he is facing no real consequences for his actions. (You will find 99% recommend this unless there are some extenuating circumstances at the site below.)
2. Turn the tables, would you like the wife to contact you and let you know if you were unaware?

google surviving infidelity. You will get some harsh reactions if you post, some of the betrayed spouses take a very hard line on infidelity, but some are very good, take what you need for you...

Wish you all the best.

I really don’t feel a need to contact the wife, but I’m open to discussing it with the therapist. I don’t really don’t feel strongly either way, so I’m open to perspective.

As for ensuring I shut down the cheating—I don’t feel that’s my job. If she continues to cheat now, I feel like that would make things so much easier. I’m so ripped apart trying to chart a course and she knows how much she hurt me. If she were to continue with it I’d move on from her in 30 seconds without thinking twice.

In fact, that’s one of my concerns with continuing the relationship—I feel like I’ll always now be ready to bail with one foot out the door. The threshold for bull shit is zero now. And frankly, I don’t think she’ll be able to do that—I think it’ll blow up in the coming months and I’ll walk and she’ll be telling herself at least she tried.

But again, I will trust the process, not her. I’ll go to the therapist and participate with complete openness despite all my concerns.

[hwfanatic]

Sounds like getting to the root of her congenital lying, about things big and small, would be my focus. If that foundation isn’t laid/repaired, y’all have nothing to build on.

I suspect she’s been that way since before you two ever met. Good luck, rooting for you.