A virtual cuckold?

[whosbeensleeping]

Two things.
One, I'm greatly relieved you are getting good feedback and validation from the psychologist. You need that.

Secondly, I believe that a time will come when your wife attempts to deny the reality and impact of her affair, and to blame it first on the pandemic and secondly on you. You will need to be prepared for that, because the attempt to rewrite reality is what is most soul-destroying.
Lastly, yes I could hear the clarity and strength in the tone of your earlier post. It seems that the workouts are playing a critical role in you staying hopeful and developing strength of purpose.

Edit: Oops, guess that was three things! I hope it is somewhat coherent. I'm very tired and sleepy.

[Domingo-ITA]

All excellent except you “feel imprisoned in her script”. Hopefully you’ll get out from that script.
Good you are considering other women besides L.

I have two questions, if you don’t mind.
First, when you’ll meet L again, do you plan telling her you decision of divorcing is hanging now? This could change her behaviour if she thinks you are divorcing much sooner than her, as per your hypothesis.

Second, are your cuckold fantasies all put aside now, or do you think at them every now and then? If so, who is your partner in your cuckold fantasies? Your wife? L? N? Others?
Excuse me for my question. I am in a similar situation and my cuckold fantasies now involve a friend of my wife and my sister-in-law. Odd.

[newaussiecuck]

Lastly, I had the first appointment with the Psychologist today. I only got to tell him half of the story so far, but have another appointment day after tomorrow.

It's fair to say that he seemed pretty horrified by what he's heard so far. When I mentioned the part about giving my wife the update about dad's condition while he was in hospital, and then her eyes glazed over and she smiled and started typing. He said ok, so her EQ (Emotional Quotient, or Emotional Intelligence) score is negative! Wow!

We ran out of time after that bit, so next up on Friday is the part where she didn't come to his funeral.

Oh and he called bullshit on her not remembering the part about her saying "I'm done" about 4 years ago, and then me talking her out of splitting up and then us having sex and her crying afterwards and saying "I'm just embarassed" when I asked why she was crying. He said that if that was him he sure as hell would have remembered something like that. I agreed and said that I certainly remembered it very well. I told him that I didn't believe her when she said she didn't remember it.

NAC - Excellent, very glad to learn you have started getting some professional help and i would suggest meeting with a divorce lawyer too. Get some paper work in place so if you need to trigger the process on a short notice all it needs is a quick call.

And remember, no matter what is going on with your wife, L, or this work colleague or what's going on in your head, remember to breath.

Thank you, yes I'm very much looking forward to tomorrow's session. I hope that I can actually get through the rest of the story and then hopefully glean some kind of opinion as to what he thinks I'm dealing with.

I'm not sure if it's the same in other jurisdictions but where I am we can't actually divorce until we've been separated for 12 months. We don't need paperwork to separate, just a decision to be made. Unfortunately with what I seem to be dealing with that's not so simple as I recently experienced with the suicide threats just from not getting the attention that she wanted.

I could grab the dog and just leave but who knows what else she would do next. Would she burn down the entire house for example. Maybe, maybe not. Would she try and find me, or jump in front of a train?

Hopefully the expert can shed some light, otherwise I'm just continuing to do as much research as I can.

[newaussiecuck]

Two things.
One, I'm greatly relieved you are getting good feedback and validation from the psychologist. You need that.

Secondly, I believe that a time will come when your wife attempts to deny the reality and impact of her affair, and to blame it first on the pandemic and secondly on you. You will need to be prepared for that, because the attempt to rewrite reality is what is most soul-destroying.
Lastly, yes I could hear the clarity and strength in the tone of your earlier post. It seems that the workouts are playing a critical role in you staying hopeful and developing strength of purpose.

Edit: Oops, guess that was three things! I hope it is somewhat coherent. I'm very tired and sleepy.

Thank you and happy to call it 3 points.

"Secondly, I believe that a time will come when your wife attempts to deny the reality and impact of her affair, and to blame it first on the pandemic and secondly on you."

Spot on. So far she's evaded talk of the affair. She probably thinks that I'm really stupid and that she got away with it. For strategic reasons, at least for now, I it's best to let her continue to think that. Yes she's already blamed most of what happened due to being depressed from the pandemic (attempt to play victim) and she will most definitely resort to blaming me for everything. Being armed with the knowledge that I've gleaned from my research makes it so much easier for such nonsense to roll off me.

I do feel less like she can hurt me now, which is probably dangerous thinking as behind the scenes she could very well be planning what her next move is. We kind of have an uneasy truce at the moment.

One very interesting observation that I made today. I noticed about a week ago she finally moved her computer setup from the living room. It had been left seemingly untouched like some kind of weird shrine for what nearly 2 months now since the Easter blowup. What I noticed today is that her laptop is actualky GONE! It's missing. Either it's been put away not obvious to me or it's been hidden. I don't know. But can't find where she put it. Very odd.

[newaussiecuck]

All excellent except you “feel imprisoned in her script”. Hopefully you’ll get out from that script.
Good you are considering other women besides L.

I have two questions, if you don’t mind.
First, when you’ll meet L again, do you plan telling her you decision of divorcing is hanging now? This could change her behaviour if she thinks you are divorcing much sooner than her, as per your hypothesis.

Second, are your cuckold fantasies all put aside now, or do you think at them every now and then? If so, who is your partner in your cuckold fantasies? Your wife? L? N? Others?
Excuse me for my question. I am in a similar situation and my cuckold fantasies now involve a friend of my wife and my sister-in-law. Odd.

I won't be telling L that the divorce is hanging, and will likely not tell her anything unless she asks.

Depending on how willing to talk she is, I think I will let her know that it's completely ok about the number. That she never has to do or give anything she's not comfortable with from me or from anybody. I will also apologise to her for making her feel uncomfortable by oversharing, that I was knocked off centre for a bit (as I think anybody would be) but the emergency situation has now calmed. I'll let her know that my feelings haven't shifted in regards to her or the direction things are heading in regards to wife. My feelings in that regard are the same as they have been for the last 12 months.

If that goes well then I'll let her know that I do want to take her on a date, even if it's just meeting for lunch closer to her workplace (which will be difficult for me but I'll manage). However I will let her know that she's not obligated and only if she feels comfortable.

In regards to any cuckold fantasies, no that's completely gone now and the thought of it kind of makes me feel pretty sick in the stomach to be honest. After what I've been through in these last 3 years I don't think I could ever let anyone hold power over me like that again.

Edit to clarify:
"This could change her behaviour if she thinks you are divorcing much sooner than her, as per your hypothesis."

1. L isn't married. She has a "partner" of 4 years but she's not married.
2. I don't really know exactly what she was upset about, and I shouldn't take any action based on guessing what I think she might want to hear. I need to just be truthful and speak from the heart and if she doesn't like that then it's perfectly fine. It would just mean that she's not the right one for me. I've come to realise that I need to stop playing to someone else's script and play to my own. Hopefully I can find someone great who likes my script and wants to write a beautiful script TOGETHER.

[newaussiecuck]

All excellent except you “feel imprisoned in her script”. Hopefully you’ll get out from that script.
Good you are considering other women besides L.

I have two questions, if you don’t mind.
First, when you’ll meet L again, do you plan telling her you decision of divorcing is hanging now? This could change her behaviour if she thinks you are divorcing much sooner than her, as per your hypothesis.

Second, are your cuckold fantasies all put aside now, or do you think at them every now and then? If so, who is your partner in your cuckold fantasies? Your wife? L? N? Others?
Excuse me for my question. I am in a similar situation and my cuckold fantasies now involve a friend of my wife and my sister-in-law. Odd.

I won't be telling L that the divorce is hanging, and will likely not tell her anything unless she asks.

Depending on how willing to talk she is, I think I will let her know that it's completely ok about the number. That she never has to do or give anything she's not comfortable with from me or from anybody. I will also apologise to her for making her feel uncomfortable by oversharing, that I was knocked off centre for a bit (as I think anybody would be) but the emergency situation has now calmed. I'll let her know that my feelings haven't shifted in regards to her or the direction things are heading in regards to wife. My feelings in that regard are the same as they have been for the last 12 months.

If that goes well then I'll let her know that I do want to take her on a date, even if it's just meeting for lunch closer to her workplace (which will be difficult for me but I'll manage). However I will let her know that she's not obligated and only if she feels comfortable.

In regards to any cuckold fantasies, no that's completely gone now and the thought of it kind of makes me feel pretty sick in the stomach to be honest. After what I've been through in these last 3 years I don't think I could ever let anyone hold power over me like that again.

Edit to clarify:
"This could change her behaviour if she thinks you are divorcing much sooner than her, as per your hypothesis."

1. L isn't married. She has a "partner" of 4 years but she's not married.
2. I don't really know exactly what she was upset about, and I shouldn't take any action based on guessing what I think she might want to hear. I need to just be truthful and speak from the heart and if she doesn't like that then it's perfectly fine. It would just mean that she's not the right one for me. I've come to realise that I need to stop playing to someone else's script and play to my own. Hopefully I can find someone great who likes my script and wants to write a beautiful script TOGETHER.

"I will also apologise to her for making her feel uncomfortable by oversharing"

I've given this some more thought and I won't be apologising. I shared something deeply personal with someone that I care for and she thanked me for feeling comfortable enough to share that with her. I think she really meant it and we were both in great spitits when we left that night. I don't want to apologise and attempt to take back what I shared.

What I shared with her could show weakness on my part and potentially make her see me in a bad light (putting up with what wife was doing for so long is kinda pretty embarrassing). Apologising when I have nothing to apologise for would only show further weakness.

I now think L getting upset might have been more to do with seeing my ring still on and not asking her out. I think I might also have been a fraction more distant with her that night also, I guess having to close myself off from wife's antics might have done that.

She might have been feeling closer to me after what I shared and hoping for more of the same, but I guess I was a fraction more distant and didn't have my normal level of energy and excitement. Maybe she felt hurt.

I really hope she will be back soon, but it might be a while I'm afraid.

[newaussiecuck]

I realised today that I had inadvertently stumbled upon a strategy that I've been using with wife since the 2nd suicide threat. It seems to be working somewhat and the suicide threats stopped after they stopped giving the reaction that she wanted from me. She seems to be leaving me alone a lot more recently too.

I just found out the strategy is well known and has a name "Grey Rock Method":

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

I also bought another book today having finished my first one. It's titled "How to Kill a Narcissist: Debunking the Myth of Narcissism and Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse"

[newaussiecuck]

I had the 2nd session with the psychologist and again it went well. I finally got to finish the rest of the main events including recent ones.

He said that the problem with the threats is that it's so very hard to tell if they're real or not. He said that if I had been speaking with him at the time he would have advised caution and to take them seriously. He said that he would have advised me to handle it in exactly the way that I did. So I did feel pretty good about that.

Hopefully mid next week during the next session I can get some insights into what I'm dealing with. I know in my heart already, things are really not right with her.

He asked how she is now and I said that she seems fine having seemingly got what she needed. I said that she probably feels that she has me back, but I'm keeping as distant as I can be and that I feel like I'm just playing out a role.

He was again horrified to hear that she didn’t go to the funeral, and that she declined to watch it afterwards. He said "So she was given an opportunity to redeem herself and she declined". I said yes exactly. I said from that moment onwards I was done but grieving for dad and starting a new job was hard enough. Busting up a marriage at the same time would have been too much to deal with. He agreed and said that I did the right thing.

I mentioned that I planned to finish grieving for dad, settle into my new job and then keep an eye out for someone nice. I then briefly mentioned meeting someone really nice that I liked quite a bit (L), and then described what happened during Easter and afterwards because "wife" probably sensed I was interested in someone else.

Looking forward to the session next Wednesday.

[newaussiecuck]

I've also been thinking about L quite a lot today also. I know just what I want to say now. I just hope I get the opportunity.

[newaussiecuck]

No L again tonight but the weather wasn't great either and ended up raining after about 40 minutes. So I would have been surprised if she actually went.

That’s not the reason for this update though.

I just wanted to give an example of how subtle "wife's" methods of control are. Even though I'm hyper aware and resisting her efforts to regain control over me, this one slipped right past me. It's at the subconscious level. I didn't realise what had actually transpired until an hour or so later.

This morning while in a hurry getting ready for work (notice very early morning like the early morning ambush last week), she stopped me to ask what I wanted for dinner tonight. I wasn't even close to thinking about dinner not even having had breakfast yet.

So I answered "I’m not sure yet", and so she said "I'm thinking of pizza. Do you want Pizza tonight?". I said "OK, yeah pizza would be good. I'll get some tonight".

Nice normal exchange on the surface, but thinking now (only after what just happened an hour ago), I can see that she established that I can't even do somthing as simple as choosing dinner when asked and she had to come to the rescue and choose for me. It was a complete setup at that time of the morning when I'm still half asleep. She set me up to fail.

Fast forward to tonight when I get home from work. In a rush to grab the dog and take her to the park to catch the last 20 minutes of daylight (and hoping to see L if she's there), I mention picking up pizza while out. Nice and normal.

She then said "Oh. I didn't think you wanted pizza. I was thinking of having meat pies instead. Plus we're going out for lunch tomorrow and they might have pizza there. Do you want meat pies instead", so while trying to quickly get out the door I said "OK, that will be fine. I'll pick some up".

See how she very subtly exerted her control? She not only picked what to have for dinner earlier in the morning and I went along with it, but then to change and pick something else and again I went along with it.

Very, very subtle below subconscious level conditioning that she's the leader and I'm the follower. Multiply this very very subtle message thousand of times over the course of a relationship and you can see what happens. Once this brainwashing has taken hold, more overt conditioning can happen.

It's a very small example that I just happened to catch this time. A subtle message implanted into my subconscious that she's the leader and I'm the follower. How many other such messages are going by me completely undetected?

[Long Lurker 34]

I had the 2nd session with the psychologist and again it went well. I finally got to finish the rest of the main events including recent ones.

He said that the problem with the threats is that it's so very hard to tell if they're real or not. He said that if I had been speaking with him at the time he would have advised caution and to take them seriously. He said that he would have advised me to handle it in exactly the way that I did. So I did feel pretty good about that.

Hopefully mid next week during the next session I can get some insights into what I'm dealing with. I know in my heart already, things are really not right with her.

He asked how she is now and I said that she seems fine having seemingly got what she needed. I said that she probably feels that she has me back, but I'm keeping as distant as I can be and that I feel like I'm just playing out a role.

He was again horrified to hear that she didn’t go to the funeral, and that she declined to watch it afterwards. He said "So she was given an opportunity to redeem herself and she declined". I said yes exactly. I said from that moment onwards I was done but grieving for dad and starting a new job was hard enough. Busting up a marriage at the same time would have been too much to deal with. He agreed and said that I did the right thing.

I mentioned that I planned to finish grieving for dad, settle into my new job and then keep an eye out for someone nice. I then briefly mentioned meeting someone really nice that I liked quite a bit (L), and then described what happened during Easter and afterwards because "wife" probably sensed I was interested in someone else.

Looking forward to the session next Wednesday.

NAC -

[whosbeensleeping]

Seems to be a pattern of first-thing ambushes. I suspect you'll catch it next time and insist she wait till you're up and running.
Excellent that your second session went well.

[newaussiecuck]

Seems to be a pattern of first-thing ambushes. I suspect you'll catch it next time and insist she wait till you're up and running.
Excellent that your second session went well.

Yeah will be more aware of it next time. So I took some more control back. When I was buying the pies for dinner I also picked up a desert to go with it. When I got home and started to put the pies in the oven she tried to take over (it's seriously a 30 second job, I can do that just fine having cooked exclusively for 2 years or so), I just told her I've got it and shooed her away. I then cooked a couple of other things to go with the pies of my choosing (chips and steamed vegetables) so that the meal wasn't just what she had chosen.

[newaussiecuck]

The new book is very good also. This part might explain what happened with L that day when I overshared:


The emotional investment mismatch
When you’re not conscious of it, the narcissist’s refusal to be vulnerable creates an emotional investment mismatch. Narcissists don’t believe in mirroring emotions. That would involve the true self. Their only way of relating is to have you mirror their false self. When two people normally connect, the person listening would raise their emotional intensity to that of their partner, hence achieving limbic resonance. When you are in ‘connection’ with a narcissist, you don’t get any emotional feedback, so you try harder to get your message across. Instead of investing their true self, the narcissist will dismiss the emotional content of your message. They will instead analyse your words and then speak about them from their point of view. Before you know it, the tide has turned, and you are left mirroring the narcissist. The emotional investment mismatch can have damaging effects on the target. The target grows to think that emotional resonance is a scarce commodity and that if you want people to hear you, you need to force your way into the listener’s mind. If you live with narcissism for long enough, you develop a habit of expecting an emotional investment mismatch. When you are in an open exchange with others, you might end up raising the intensity of your emotions and not give them a chance to match and connect. You might speak at people like you would a narcissist and try to force the emotional content on them, hoping it gets through quickly before they can cut you off. The problem with having your emotional laser on full power, however, is that the other person does not have the space to connect and resonate with you. Balanced connection can only occur when:

1. The speaker spoon feeds the listener their intention, giving them time to mentally grasp the message and connect emotionally with the intention of the message.

2. The listener can hold their thoughts and allow the speaker’s intention to impact their true self, giving ample space for the speaker to express themselves.

3. The speaker allows space for the listener to chime in and ask questions to better help the listener grasp their intention.

4. Both people are equally aware of the emotional resonance behind the conversation and can balance the intensity.

I fired way too much at poor L way too fast and completely overwhelmed her. I guess the short amount of time we have to spend together each week only encourages this kind of rapid fire communication.

I'm really doubting now if she'll come back. We seem to have some good weather for most of the next week. If I don't see her this week I think it's a really bad sign. At least I can hope to learn and grow more and learn from my mistakes. I just hope she can give me another chance. I was under extreme circumstances those last couple of times I saw her.

[newaussiecuck]

Was just at the park this morning and I saw PG1.0 drive past in her car with dog in the back at exactly the same time of morning that I first met L (and same time of morning that I had seen PG 1.0 a few times in the weeks leading up to meeting L).

She didn't stop or come in or walk her dog in the area but she drove past. It's a very secluded street and cars only drive there is they're going to one of the houses there or going to the park. There's mo other reason to drive down that street.

I can't help but feel that she was checking if I was there and maybe checking if anyone (wife) was with me. Maybe a bit of reconnaissance for L.

Maybe not, but just thought it was interesting to note.

[newaussiecuck]

Also spoke to mum this morning a bit more about what's going on. She was saying things like I should only leave as a very last resort. She said pretty much flat outright that I mightn't be able to find anyone else if I do leave.

Geez, thanks for the vote of confidence mum! No wonder I got myself into a mess like this and kept putting up with it.

[whosbeensleeping]

Also spoke to mum this morning a bit more about what's going on. She was saying things like I should only leave as a very last resort. She said pretty much flat outright that I mightn't be able to find anyone else if I do leave.

Geez, thanks for the vote of confidence mum! No wonder I got myself into a mess like this and kept putting up with it.

Wow! Lol.

Speaking of books, there's a woman named Emma Rose Byham who goes by thepersonalgrowth.project on Instagram who writes articulately about covert narcissism and has written a book called "Was it Even Abuse"? Spoiler alert, yes it was. May be worth checking out.

[newaussiecuck]

Also spoke to mum this morning a bit more about what's going on. She was saying things like I should only leave as a very last resort. She said pretty much flat outright that I mightn't be able to find anyone else if I do leave.

Geez, thanks for the vote of confidence mum! No wonder I got myself into a mess like this and kept putting up with it.

Wow! Lol.

Speaking of books, there's a woman named Emma Rose Byham who goes by thepersonalgrowth.project on Instagram who writes articulately about covert narcissism and has written a book called "Was it Even Abuse"? Spoiler alert, yes it was. May be worth checking out.

Thanks I read the description of the book and it sounds good.

The book I'm currently reading focuses a lot on what makes a person a perfect target for a narcissist. It's basically someone who is an empath (intereting that L said that we're both empaths), or someone who was conditioned from a very young age to become the supply for a narcissist (like from a narcisist parent). Hearing some of the things my mum is saying, it feels like she's using fear and emotional triggers to coerce me into the course of action that she wants. Similar to how she tried a bit of emotional blackmail herself after I moved away so far from her to be with wife. I'd frequently get guilt trips about not visiting often enough etc.

So I do wonder if I was susceptible to this long before I even met my wife. Was/is my mum a covert narcissist herself? Did I move so far away to get away from her? Maybe wife figured me out very early on that I would be a good target for her to control.

The scary thing is I do already have the fear that she mentioned. What if this is the best I can get and I never find anyone better. Is the devil you know better than the devil you don’t?

I have a LOT of work to do on myself. Hopefully this book can help me work on myself so that I don't just fall prey to another narcissist.

[whosbeensleeping]

Also spoke to mum this morning a bit more about what's going on. She was saying things like I should only leave as a very last resort. She said pretty much flat outright that I mightn't be able to find anyone else if I do leave.

Geez, thanks for the vote of confidence mum! No wonder I got myself into a mess like this and kept putting up with it.

Wow! Lol.

Speaking of books, there's a woman named Emma Rose Byham who goes by thepersonalgrowth.project on Instagram who writes articulately about covert narcissism and has written a book called "Was it Even Abuse"? Spoiler alert, yes it was. May be worth checking out.

Thanks I read the description of the book and it sounds good.

The book I'm currently reading focuses a lot on what makes a person a perfect target for a narcissist. It's basically someone who is an empath (intereting that L said that we're both empaths), or someone who was conditioned from a very young age to become the supply for a narcissist (like from a narcisist parent). Hearing some of the things my mum is saying, it feels like she's using fear and emotional triggers to coerce me into the course of action that she wants. Similar to how she tried a bit of emotional blackmail herself after I moved away so far from her to be with wife. I'd frequently get guilt trips about not visiting often enough etc.

So I do wonder if I was susceptible to this long before I even met my wife. Was/is my mum a covert narcissist herself? Did I move so far away to get away from her? Maybe wife figured me out very early on that I would be a good target for her to control.

The scary thing is I do already have the fear that she mentioned. What if this is the best I can get and I never find anyone better. Is the devil you know better than the devil you don’t?

I have a LOT of work to do on myself. Hopefully this book can help me work on myself so that I don't just fall prey to another narcissist.

Know the feeling!

[newaussiecuck]

We both had a huge lunch yesterday and were deciding whether to even eat dinner. I decided to make a light snack of mac cheese the way I used to many years ago when I was a teenager. Just cook some Macaroni and then put cheese spread from a jar. It's my favourite way of having it.

She was eating it and didn't make any comments, not that I needed any as I was eating it too and it was delicious. I said "This is much nicer than the packet ones. I used to make this so many times when I was younger". She agreed but gave a backhanded compliment "Yeah you can taste the preservatives in the packet ones. . . . . . . . You could use real cheese though and it would be better".

She just can't give an actual proper compliment. I've tried it the way she makes it witn real cheese, and this is way better. At least I enjoyed it.

[newaussiecuck]

From the book 2nd book:
"A narcissist might: Strive always to be in control: This can be as simple as impatiently snatching the broom from you when you’re sweeping and doing the job themselves. Refusing to relinquish control or to allow a person to learn at their own pace makes them feel incapable of ‘getting the job done’.
"

Many times wife has snatched things right out of my hands. Often it's something like a tool such as a cordless drill while I'm making something. This happened many times last year while working on her "projects". She get off the computer, come out to the garage to inspect. Find fault with something, snatch the tool out of my hand and show me how it should be done before walking back inside again.

Last year was the worst.

[newaussiecuck]

In regards to L, I still have no clue really as to what happened, whether I'll ever see her again or even what her intentions really were in regards to me.

I've thought about many different scenarios but unless and until I see her again and get more information I'll never be the wiser and shouldn't waste my energy further. What's done is done.

I've decided that until otherwise I'll assume that she's felt things for me more strongly than she was wanting, and faster than she was wanting (since we've never actually gone on a date or outing) and it's confusing for her in regards to her partner. To protect herself she's staying away while she sorts her feelings out on her side (maybe gets some advice/input from her mum who could very well still be away) and while sort things out on my side. She was clearly a bit upset about my revelations (when I asked how she was she gave the impression she wasn't really ok but then corrected herself to say she was ok). I think she just wanted to get away quickly without incident or too much discussion as she still had a lot to sort out within herself. Unfortunately I stuffed that up by acting a bit dissapointed she was leaving and by asking to exchange numbers (I should have read the room better and waited for a better time).

This is a plausible explanation, and could even be likely, however it's probably the most psychologically advantageous for me so I might go with that until I get more information. ie she likes me too much vs she doesn’t like me at all.

[newaussiecuck]

I find myself thanking God that it's now the end of Sunday. I started losing it tonight, everything just getting under my skin. Her subtle methods to regain control are endless and always changing. It's one thing after another after another. Everything pretty much revolves around her and I'm fighting it hard but it's relentless and I can't seem to stop it. I win some victories but at heart I'm just a decent human being, and although I don't want to stop being that way it's being used against me.

She was complaining of a headache all yesterday afternoon and last night. Last night in bed, she made a very small request. Massage her temples and back of her neck. Small request, she had a headache so being a decent human I obliged. The only alternative was to say "no, you can suffer with your headache".

Today I find that one small step last night seems to be starting a pattern of small requests, I oblige.

This morning she tells me that she wants to get a hair cut today, fair enough it's been about 3 years since she's had a proper one, was before the pandemic. So now I have no choice but to volunteer to drive her there. So then she decides what we'll have for lunch while there and I find half my day taken up with her activities. She basically set the agenda for the day.

While walking along outside in public (very heavy Vietnamese area) she's hanging off my arm like she's stuck there. I felt like I'm being paraded around for everyone to see. Fuck I felt uncomfortable! Since it wasn't even hand holding I couldn't just let go. I would have had to physically grab her arm and pull it off me. I'm too nice and decent to do that in public and make a scene. Fuck I'm so stuck.

While out I mentioned that I needed to get some cash out of the bank. She said "Where did your money go?" insinuating that I've been doing something improper with my cash. I don't like where that is going one bit, she'll start to accuse me of all kinds of stuff.

Then she made dinner, and made another very small request. She asked if I could cook the rice. Again it was the least I could do since she'd already cooked most of the meal and would still be cooking while I cooked the rice. I pretty much can't refuse such a simple request. Again more of the same pattern, she asks I oblige. While starting to make the rice she made a small comment that fucking infuriated me. "Are you ok with that?" I fucking cooked everything for over 2 years and now she's insinuating that I might even struggle to simply cook rice! Aaaarh!!!! Fuck this shit!

Then after dinner and everything was finished she then asks "Are you going to have a shower now, or are you going to workout?". She used to hate me working out (since it wasn't spending my time with her), so now she's found a way to frame it like it's now her suggestion that I work out. See how she's controlling my time and activities, framing like I have a choice of two options that she's chosen for me. It doesn't matter that this has been pretty much my nightly routine, she's now taken ownership of it. Fuck she's sneaky!

So I did do my workout, but instead of feeling strong and on top of things I feel like crap afterwards because now it wasn't somthing I chose to do for myself. It now became following yet another of her suggestions.

In this state I'm in I can't help thinking that things went wrong with L because "wife" deliberately sabotaged it with those suicide threats. She's proving to be so fucking sneaky and plotting that I wouldn’t put it past her to have done it as a deliberate action to screw things up for me.

Tonight I was feeling so withdrawn and I couldn't help get the feeling that she was enjoying that, she seemed extra happy.

As the book I'm currently reading says, there's certain rules that humanity goes by, we all know them and play by them.
The narcissist says screw the rules and just breaks all of them to get what they want. If you follow the rules you don't stand a chance.

I feel that way tonight, like I'm being slaughtered. I swear I'm losing it!

[newaussiecuck]

Breathe!

[Long Lurker 34]

Breathe!