A virtual cuckold?

[whosbeensleeping]

Yes, breathe. And endure, as Tina Turner did, and eventually summoned the strength to leave her situation.

[newaussiecuck]

Yes, breathe. And endure, as Tina Turner did, and eventually summoned the strength to leave her situation.

I'm currently reading (or listening) to my 3rd book. This one is "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist" by Ramani Durvasula

It's about helping to make the decision whether to stay or go while realising not everyone can ir is willing to make the decision to leave, at least not initially. So also helps with how to manage staying if that's what you decide or have to do.

I think it's what I need to immediately know in my current circumstances. How to heal can come later.

I also realised I'm in a very strange and unique position right now. While I can now see who she is and the patterns of behaviour, when she does them I can recognise them now for what they are. However what is unique is that I can see things happening in fast forward while she busily gets the relationship back to where she wants/needs it.

It's kind of extraordinary and shocking/confronting to witness and experience it with full knowledge of what she's doing and why she's doing it. Very strange indeed, but I can now see how it happened over such a long period of time without me really realising what was happening.

It's likely my seeing her as a "Domne" earlier on in the relationship was actually my coping mechanism in response to her behaviour and an attempt to sexualise a bad situation and make it feel more pleasant to experience. She wasn't a Domme at all, just a pathological narcissist who had no interest in what I actually wanted. She would find a way to manipulate a situation so that my wants were driven from her needs.

[whosbeensleeping]

Very interesting. Good to know about the book. I want to learn more about this stuff, for my own reasons.

[newaussiecuck]

Very interesting. Good to know about the book. I want to learn more about this stuff, for my own reasons.

I wish I didn't have to know it, but it's important that I do. If I don't know what to look for I'll be a sitting duck for another narcissist down the line.

I'm amazed at just how constantly she's telling me what to do. It's relentless and ALL the time. I'm literally just about to do somthing and for zero reason she'll tell me to do the thing it's so obvious I'm about to do anyway. I have zero choice but to do what she says since I'm already in the process of doing it. The only way to not do what she says in that instant is to just stop and go do something else. However that's STILL controlling as it's stopping me from doing what I had chosen to do. Plus it would cause an argument for zero reason.

I'm going to have to tell her outright that this has to stop. She won't like it and will pretend she's not doing it or somthing, but I think it has to be done. It's driving me crazy right now.

I had the final session with the workplace supplied counsellor (free) and she's given me some resources on assertiveness and boundary setting. It's much needed for me.

Then I'll just be seeing the psychologist on Wednesday.

What's eating me up the most is the way she's acting like everything's completely normal like the last 3 years never happened and has zero guilt or shame for what she's done. I don't think she ever will as I think she lacks the ability to feel that.

However I just can't go on with her unless she takes some real accountability. I'll speak to the psychologist about that also.

[newaussiecuck]

No L at the park today but I saw not 1, not 2 but 3 people that I suspect might know her. There's that lady I mentioned that knew my name and knew PG ( she didn't come into the area, her dog is too big now. I just spoke to her outside).

There's yet another VN lady who is actually very attractive and nice herself. I've known her for about a year but fairly rarely see her. I spent the whole time talking to her today, and my dog jumped in her lap and she gave her treats. I'm tempted to call her J, but I'm not ready to go there yet. I was kind of flirting with her a bit though, but very subtly so that it wouldn't be somthing bad if it got back to L. Just enough to be something maybe to build on if L doesn't come back into the picture. This lady was actually talking to me quite a bit a few weeks before L came into the picture. It was back in summer and I'd been working out a lot and was able to wear just t-shirt. She had hardly spoken to me much in the past, but now that I was feeling a lot more confident and I guess standing a lot more upright and confident she actually sought me out and talked to me for about an hour that day. I gues it probably wouldn't hurt if I was seen talking to her. I do think I like L's personality a lot more though, she has way more depth.

And seen I was, as PG1.0 was there too! She wasn't in the park when I saw her, but she was walking around the area and she most definitely saw me there talking to J (OK, looks like I am calling her J now).

Let's see what happens for the rest of the week! I don't think it's possible that somthing didn't get back to L somehow.

[Long Lurker 34]

No L at the park today but I saw not 1, not 2 but 3 people that I suspect might know her. There's that lady I mentioned that knew my name and knew PG ( she didn't come into the area, her dog is too big now. I just spoke to her outside).

There's yet another VN lady who is actually very attractive and nice herself. I've known her for about a year but fairly rarely see her. I spent the whole time talking to her today, and my dog jumped in her lap and she gave her treats. I'm tempted to call her J, but I'm not ready to go there yet. I was kind of flirting with her a bit though, but very subtly so that it wouldn't be somthing bad if it got back to L. Just enough to be something maybe to build on if L doesn't come back into the picture. This lady was actually talking to me quite a bit a few weeks before L came into the picture. It was back in summer and I'd been working out a lot and was able to wear just t-shirt. She had hardly spoken to me much in the past, but now that I was feeling a lot more confident and I guess standing a lot more upright and confident she actually sought me out and talked to me for about an hour that day. I gues it probably wouldn't hurt if I was seen talking to her. I do think I like L's personality a lot more though, she has way more depth.

And seen I was, as PG1.0 was there too! She wasn't in the park when I saw her, but she was walking around the area and she most definitely saw me there talking to J (OK, looks like I am calling her J now).

Let's see what happens for the rest of the week! I don't think it's possible that somthing didn't get back to L somehow.

NAC - Down boy!! Don't be getting ahead of yourself and giving yourself a head fake.
Breathe.

[newaussiecuck]

No L at the park today but I saw not 1, not 2 but 3 people that I suspect might know her. There's that lady I mentioned that knew my name and knew PG ( she didn't come into the area, her dog is too big now. I just spoke to her outside).

There's yet another VN lady who is actually very attractive and nice herself. I've known her for about a year but fairly rarely see her. I spent the whole time talking to her today, and my dog jumped in her lap and she gave her treats. I'm tempted to call her J, but I'm not ready to go there yet. I was kind of flirting with her a bit though, but very subtly so that it wouldn't be somthing bad if it got back to L. Just enough to be something maybe to build on if L doesn't come back into the picture. This lady was actually talking to me quite a bit a few weeks before L came into the picture. It was back in summer and I'd been working out a lot and was able to wear just t-shirt. She had hardly spoken to me much in the past, but now that I was feeling a lot more confident and I guess standing a lot more upright and confident she actually sought me out and talked to me for about an hour that day. I gues it probably wouldn't hurt if I was seen talking to her. I do think I like L's personality a lot more though, she has way more depth.

And seen I was, as PG1.0 was there too! She wasn't in the park when I saw her, but she was walking around the area and she most definitely saw me there talking to J (OK, looks like I am calling her J now).

Let's see what happens for the rest of the week! I don't think it's possible that somthing didn't get back to L somehow.

NAC - Down boy!! Don't be getting ahead of yourself and giving yourself a head fake.
Breathe.

I think "flirting" was too strong a word but I guess it's fair to say that I was upbeat when talking with her. I guess it's fair to say that I was putting my best foot forward, which is never a bad thing. J is maybe a little more say "glamorous" looking than L, but there's no real depth to her personality. She talks a lot without really saying much if you can understand the type.

I also think there's zero chance that she doesn't know L. Not only are they both VN, J told me where she lives and it's exactly the same area as where L told me she lives. I'm sure they know each other and I felt she may have appeared in order to guage how I'm doing. I speak to J, but I don't really speak to PG so she wouldn't have been able to pass on much of a sense as to how I'm doing when I briefly spoke to her last week.

I guess I wanted to show that I'm doing well now and not a basket case falling apart at the seems in case L might want to make an appearance sometime soon. Also that I was talking to J might give the message that maybe she should turn up again soon before I start looking elsewhere.

Apart from that, I'm just head down reading and learning as much as I can. From what I'm reading and experiencing I have zero doubts that "wife" is a covert narcissist. My only question now is to whether she is further than that into psychopath tendency. Psychopath shares all the same traits as narcissist, but has additional things on top of that. The almost 3 year relationship with another woman while pretending to be a man seems to me to be above just a narcissist, it kind of feels like it's something else. Almost as if she was getting off on toying with someone. I'll speak with the psychologist about that tomorrow.

[newaussiecuck]

Also . . . . . . . . the laptop is still missing! Has it been disposed of?

[whosbeensleeping]

Wow, interesting!

[newaussiecuck]

I had the 3rd session with the psychologist today. This time it wasn’t just giving details about the history. He ran through what his role is. It's not to give advice, or tell me what to do, or make the decision whether to stay or go etc. But to give me the tools to make the decisions on my own, and ask questions like have you thought about this or thought about that.

He said that she does have narcissist traits but can't confirm 100% without actually speaking to her.

He also said his job is to give me the tools to stand on my own and end the sessions at some later point without creating a codependency on him. Good.

He did remind me that in his opinion she cast me aside to spend all of her time with the online person without a care in the world about me or my feelings or best interests. He also reminded me that she didn't end the online relationship, the other person did.

He said in his opinion she panicked when realising she was losing everything (me and the online relationship) and would also lose her comfy lifestyle. Then in a mad panic busily rushed to put things back into place and smoothe things over etc etc etc.

He's also given me homework to answer these questions and to relect deeply on them:

1. What is in it for me?
2. What am i getting out of this relationship?
3. Is this working for me?

I see him in another week.

[newaussiecuck]

No L again tonight, which I think makes it 2 weeks now. To be fair though, the weather was pretty bad with very strong winds and there was only 3 of us that went.

I'm really missing her and can't believe I messed it up so badly with her.

I'm almost wishing that I asked J last night whether she knows her (I think she does) and maybe to pass on a message.

Maybe I should just leave it though, and hope she turns up again. However, I also feel like maybe she's wanting me to chase after her and show her that I really want her. I haven't shown much of that.

Thoughts?

[newaussiecuck]

I had the 3rd session with the psychologist today. This time it wasn’t just giving details about the history. He ran through what his role is. It's not to give advice, or tell me what to do, or make the decision whether to stay or go etc. But to give me the tools to make the decisions on my own, and ask questions like have you thought about this or thought about that.

He said that she does have narcissist traits but can't confirm without actually speaking to her.

He also said his job is to give me the tools to stand on my own and end the sessions without creating a codependency on him. Good.

He did remind me that in his opinion she cast me aside to spend all of her time with the online person without a care in the world about me or my feelings or best interests. He also reminded me that in his opinion she didn't end the online relationship, the other person did.

He said in his opinion she panicked when realising she was losing everything (me and the online relationship) and would also lose her comfy lifestyle. Then in a mad panick busily rushed to put things back into place and smoothe things over etc etc etc.

He's also given me homework to answer these questions and to relect deeply on them:

1. What is in it for me?
2. What am i getting out of this relationship?
3. Is this working for me?

I see him in another week.

Notice the theme of the questions-> Me!

He basically said that I need to be more selfish. Not in a bad way, but I guess more intune with my own identity and yes basically to think of me.

Reflecting on this, and I can even see in my writings that everything is focused on her. What she's doing. What she's not doing. What she might do. How she might react. If I leave, what would she do. How would she cope. Would she be able to survive on her own etc etc etc. This is all my way of thinking, and she's at the centre of all of it.

If it's not wife, then it's L, or PG, or PG2, or J or even N.

I guess there's very little thought or concern about me, it's like I've been lost. I hardly know who I am.

Interesting to think about I guess, but also very confronting to realise what's happened to me.

I also mentioned her very subtle ways of devaluing me, such as her comment when I was cooking the rice "Are you ok with that". He said that's very very dangerous ground as it devalues me and very soon I won't be able to stand up to her. I agreed and said that I already feel like I'm losing the battle. I said that example was very mild but it progresses into much worse such as snatching tools out of my hand to show me how it's done. That's when he made the comment about her being narcissist.

He said that if she makes a comment like that again (about the rice and if I am OK with that), that I should call her out on that and question her on it by saying something like "Why would you even question that?".

Oh, and lastly he said that IF she does the suicide threat thing again that I'm not to take it on board myself. He's given me a number to call and put her on the phone. They can triage her and if they assess she's just doing it for emotional blackmail then they will call her out on it.

He said that I wasn't to know at the time, but with the benefit of hindsight it's most likely she did it just for the emotional blackmail. He said I still did the right thing as I'm not qualified make such an assessment.

[whosbeensleeping]

Wow, how great you can get that kind of experienced support and benefit from his knowledge. Excellent stuff.

[Long Lurker 34]

Wow, how great you can get that kind of experienced support and benefit from his knowledge. Excellent stuff.

NAC - Ditto.
Starting to right the ship.

[newaussiecuck]

Apologies in advance that some of what I write is boring minutia, but just trying to document events to help with making the decision later on. The psychologist did say that he can tell I'm not someone who makes rash decisions (very true) and said that's a good thing since it's such a big decision that you don't want to rush and regret later.

So yes, mostly observing for now.

So I had some work to do last night while we also watched a football game. During breaks I went to the other room to start off the next job and then let it run while I was back at the tv.

After the game I got up to go out again and she commented "Have you still got more work to do?" In a displeased tone. I said yeah and she said "OK, me and the dog are going to bed then".
I wasn't even late, I was finished by 10:30pm and getting ready for bed (remember her constant late nights she used to do: 12pm, 1am, 2am, even 3am).

As I was brushing my teeth with noisy electric toothbrush in the bathroom, while she remained in bed, she started talking AT me again with the latest piece of rubbish news she'd just read about. I think she wanted me to stop brushing my teeth and walk out and stand in front of her to listen to what she was saying. I think it was a control thing. She waited until I had started brushing my teeth before speaking. Equally she could have just waited a minute or two until after I had finished and returned to the room. This time I just stayed and kept brushing my teeth. She just kept talking to nobody telling the whole story but I couldn't really hear or understand what she was saying, I just picked up a word here and there.

I finished what I was doing, resisted the urge to ask her to repeat what she said, and went to bed and turned the light off.

She got a bit frosty but she never said a word. Half hour later (after some sighs and a bit of exaggerated tossing and turning) she got up and put on some clothes. I'm thinking here we go again!!! My heart rate goes way up, feeling anxious and stomach is in a knot. I don't do anything but just listen and realise she's still in the kitchen. I just lay there, listening. I couldn't go back to sleep, for a start the thought of her coming back with something (ie like a knife) did briefly cross my mind, enough that I felt like I needed to stay awake and alert. Would I need to call the number I was given?

Eventually she came back to bed only 20 mins later. Guess she took some time and got a drink or something (not usual since she has a glass of water already by her bedside).

I still didn't say anything and maybe 10 minutes later I could see a blue light on. Wondering what it was I turned over and she was sitting up in bed on her phone. I simply asked if she was having trouble sleeping and she said "Yeah, I think because I fell asleep on the lounge already during the game". She may have fallen asleep, but she was having trouble sleeping due to being upset, not because of falling asleep earlier. I resisted the urge to calm and soothe her or apologise when I clearly didn't do anything wrong, although she was clearly expecting such an action from me.

So it probably took me a few hours to calm down and fall asleep from all that drama. Simply because I didn't stop brushing my teeth while she was trying to talk AT me. I'm pretty tired at work today from lack of sleep due to her manufactured drama.

I guess this is the kind of stuff the psychologist wanted me to observe. I'm not doing anything or trying to provoke anything. I'm just observing.

[newaussiecuck]

The psychologist did say that he can tell I'm not someone who makes rash decisions (very true) and said that's a good thing since it's such a big decision that you don't want to rush and regret later.

Having said that, this 3rd book I'm reading / listening to (the stay or go one which so far is most excellent and probably the best of the three), does say that a consequence of being in a narcissistic relationship is very often an inability to make decisions. This is often what keeps people stuck in the relationship instead of moving on.

I briefly bumped into N at work today, but it was during a very busy and very limited time event full of people busily moving around. We stopped and said hi and chatted for maybe half a minute before we both had to move on with what we were doing. It wasn't a chance to chat, but it was nice that the recognition was there both ways at least.

I'm really really really hoping I see L soon. I'm sorry but I just really like her and really miss her.

[newaussiecuck]

No L again tonight unfortunately.

I mentioned to the older retired guy ( who was there the day I met L, and knows her a little bit. He's the one who had told me that she was asking about me the time that I didn't go to the park) that I haven't seen her for a while. He said "There's a lot of people we haven't seen for a while" so I guess what he was saying as the weather is cold and shit now and getting dark early, that not many people are coming. Maybe I won't see her again for quite some time if at all. I guess I have to remember there was a time that I didn't see her for 6 weeks.

He was the guy who I exchanged numbers with in case of emergency. So I told him tonight just a bit about what's been happening with wide. He said "Fuck her off and don't be too long about it". He then mentioned that I'm the same age as his son, who divorced his wife and is now with another lady and he seems happy. He said "There's plenty of other fish in the sea my friend".

It was a really good chat.

[whosbeensleeping]

Bravo. Human connection is so important, and we can learn from the wisdom of others.

[Long Lurker 34]

Apologies in advance that some of what I write is boring minutia, but just trying to document events to help with making the decision later on. The psychologist did say that he can tell I'm not someone who makes rash decisions (very true) and said that's a good thing since it's such a big decision that you don't want to rush and regret later.

So yes, mostly observing for now.

So I had some work to do last night while we also watched a football game. During breaks I went to the other room to start off the next job and then let it run while I was back at the tv.

After the game I got up to go out again and she commented "Have you still got more work to do?" In a displeased tone. I said yeah and she said "OK, me and the dog are going to bed then".
I wasn't even late, I was finished by 10:30pm and getting ready for bed (remember her constant late nights she used to do: 12pm, 1am, 2am, even 3am).

As I was brushing my teeth with noisy electric toothbrush in the bathroom, while she remained in bed, she started talking AT me again with the latest piece of rubbish news she'd just read about. I think she wanted me to stop brushing my teeth and walk out and stand in front of her to listen to what she was saying. I think it was a control thing. She waited until I had started brushing my teeth before speaking. Equally she could have just waited a minute or two until after I had finished and returned to the room. This time I just stayed and kept brushing my teeth. She just kept talking to nobody telling the whole story but I couldn't really hear or understand what she was saying, I just picked up a word here and there.

I finished what I was doing, resisted the urge to ask her to repeat what she said, and went to bed and turned the light off.

She got a bit frosty but she never said a word. Half hour later (after some sighs and a bit of exaggerated tossing and turning) she got up and put on some clothes. I'm thinking here we go again!!! My heart rate goes way up, feeling anxious and stomach is in a knot. I don't do anything but just listen and realise she's still in the kitchen. I just lay there, listening. I couldn't go back to sleep, for a start the thought of her coming back with something (ie like a knife) did briefly cross my mind, enough that I felt like I needed to stay awake and alert. Would I need to call the number I was given?

Eventually she came back to bed only 20 mins later. Guess she took some time and got a drink or something (not usual since she has a glass of water already by her bedside).

I still didn't say anything and maybe 10 minutes later I could see a blue light on. Wondering what it was I turned over and she was sitting up in bed on her phone. I simply asked if she was having trouble sleeping and she said "Yeah, I think because I fell asleep on the lounge already during the game". She may have fallen asleep, but she was having trouble sleeping due to being upset, not because of falling asleep earlier. I resisted the urge to calm and soothe her or apologise when I clearly didn't do anything wrong, although she was clearly expecting such an action from me.

So it probably took me a few hours to calm down and fall asleep from all that drama. Simply because I didn't stop brushing my teeth while she was trying to talk AT me. I'm pretty tired at work today from lack of sleep due to her manufactured drama.

I guess this is the kind of stuff the psychologist wanted me to observe. I'm not doing anything or trying to provoke anything. I'm just observing.

NAC - Yes it might be minutia, but keeping a journal (as it were) under these circumstances can be a good thing as you attempt to keep things straight and work your way through all the white noise being generated by your 'wife'.
Next time you are at the psychologist mention to him you are keeping a 'journal' ( you don't have to mention where or what OHW is) and I bet his/her reaction is that it's not a bad thing to do at all.
Breathe.

[newaussiecuck]

Bravo. Human connection is so important, and we can learn from the wisdom of others.

Yeah, I'm realising just how much I'm craving human connection. I get some through work and from people at the park but I guess I crave somthing deeper.

It was great to hear his point of view.

[newaussiecuck]

Apologies in advance that some of what I write is boring minutia, but just trying to document events to help with making the decision later on. The psychologist did say that he can tell I'm not someone who makes rash decisions (very true) and said that's a good thing since it's such a big decision that you don't want to rush and regret later.

So yes, mostly observing for now.

So I had some work to do last night while we also watched a football game. During breaks I went to the other room to start off the next job and then let it run while I was back at the tv.

After the game I got up to go out again and she commented "Have you still got more work to do?" In a displeased tone. I said yeah and she said "OK, me and the dog are going to bed then".
I wasn't even late, I was finished by 10:30pm and getting ready for bed (remember her constant late nights she used to do: 12pm, 1am, 2am, even 3am).

As I was brushing my teeth with noisy electric toothbrush in the bathroom, while she remained in bed, she started talking AT me again with the latest piece of rubbish news she'd just read about. I think she wanted me to stop brushing my teeth and walk out and stand in front of her to listen to what she was saying. I think it was a control thing. She waited until I had started brushing my teeth before speaking. Equally she could have just waited a minute or two until after I had finished and returned to the room. This time I just stayed and kept brushing my teeth. She just kept talking to nobody telling the whole story but I couldn't really hear or understand what she was saying, I just picked up a word here and there.

I finished what I was doing, resisted the urge to ask her to repeat what she said, and went to bed and turned the light off.

She got a bit frosty but she never said a word. Half hour later (after some sighs and a bit of exaggerated tossing and turning) she got up and put on some clothes. I'm thinking here we go again!!! My heart rate goes way up, feeling anxious and stomach is in a knot. I don't do anything but just listen and realise she's still in the kitchen. I just lay there, listening. I couldn't go back to sleep, for a start the thought of her coming back with something (ie like a knife) did briefly cross my mind, enough that I felt like I needed to stay awake and alert. Would I need to call the number I was given?

Eventually she came back to bed only 20 mins later. Guess she took some time and got a drink or something (not usual since she has a glass of water already by her bedside).

I still didn't say anything and maybe 10 minutes later I could see a blue light on. Wondering what it was I turned over and she was sitting up in bed on her phone. I simply asked if she was having trouble sleeping and she said "Yeah, I think because I fell asleep on the lounge already during the game". She may have fallen asleep, but she was having trouble sleeping due to being upset, not because of falling asleep earlier. I resisted the urge to calm and soothe her or apologise when I clearly didn't do anything wrong, although she was clearly expecting such an action from me.

So it probably took me a few hours to calm down and fall asleep from all that drama. Simply because I didn't stop brushing my teeth while she was trying to talk AT me. I'm pretty tired at work today from lack of sleep due to her manufactured drama.

I guess this is the kind of stuff the psychologist wanted me to observe. I'm not doing anything or trying to provoke anything. I'm just observing.

NAC - Yes it might be minutia, but keeping a journal (as it were) under these circumstances can be a good thing as you attempt to keep things straight and work your way through all the white noise being generated by your 'wife'.
Next time you are at the psychologist mention to him you are keeping a 'journal' ( you don't have to mention where or what OHW is) and I bet his/her reaction is that it's not a bad thing to do at all.
Breathe.

He will absolutely think it's a good thing. I've heard so many good things about journalling.

I'm also thinking of joining a forum/community for people who are in relationships with narcissists. That might help also, but for now I'm learning from the books and have the psychologist too.

[newaussiecuck]

From the 3rd book. I can very much relate to this right now.


Vulnerability And Rescue
Temporary shifts in your partner can be confusing. For as psychologically disconnected as narcissists are, under some conditions— severe stressors, a major loss, fear—they will listen, they will buck up, and they will walk the straight and narrow. Narcissists, contrary to popular wisdom, can be quite vulnerable. And those vulnerable moments play perfectly into the rescue fantasy. Obviously, it is not terribly interesting to try to rescue a grandiose, arrogant, entitled person. But when that same grandiose, arrogant, entitled person feels threatened, and then vulnerable, at that moment you may actually feel useful. The narcissist will often draw you closer at those times, relying on you for reassurance and support, and it may even feel normal and connected for a while. These vulnerable moments can resurrect the rescue fantasy. Then in weeks, months, and sometimes years, they slide back to their usual dynamics. Vulnerability is a part of the complex and nuanced clinical picture of narcissism, and it can be those episodes of vulnerability that often keep partners in the game for years and even decades.

[newaussiecuck]

I've just realised that throughout her attempts to "win me back" since Easter, there's been zero attempt to actually make amends and to make a connection with me.

She's been very busy, I can't deny that, but it's all been busy on housework, yardwork, cooking, cleaning etc. Like she's trying to be the picture of the perfect wife, except for the human connection part.

When this doesn’t work she then tries to force me (through emotional blackmail via suicide threats) to act the part that she needs from me. This actually worked for a while, maybe a week or two. However it made me feel violated, mentally and emotionally raped, and the lawyer I spoke to said that was assault and domestic violence. The psychologist has said that although I couldn't know it at the time, it seems that it was emotional blackmail.

The busy work without trying to establish a connection I think is very significant. It explains why last year when I sat her down for a talk and I began to apologise and ask what I could do to improve things between us she cut me off and said "You just need to do more work around here". No interest in a connection, more work is always the answer to any problems.

Looking back this has been a common theme and sore point and source of conflict in our relationship throughout. On weekends I would be tired from working all week, missing her from being at work and just wanting to hang out and spend quality time with her and doing things together. This mostly wasn't what she wanted from me, she preferred that I spend my time working (again), but this time on the house and yardwork etc.

Less connection - more work.

Maybe the pandemic and lockdown brought this underlying problem to the surface. I was home much more, which meant more time for connection, spending quality time together and actually having a relationship. I guess she found a way to stop that via her online relationship. She was getting all the attention, validation and admiration that she (as a narcissist) needed, without having to deal with all of that pesky human connection stuff. She could take credit for my hard work and weave fantasy tales about her brilliance and be admired for it. The narcissist’s dream. All this while she had me to provide the things she couldn't get from online such as food, clothing etc.

Meeting L has shown me a small glimpse of what proper human connection feels like, and I want more of that. Maybe this isn't possible with L, I really hope that it is, but I fear that I may have driven her away for good. Even if it's just a platonic friendship I would really value that. However maybe there is someone else out there who it's possible with. Unfortunately it's becoming clearer that it doesn't seem possible with "wife".

I worked out again last night instead of going to bed with her at 7:30pm, and again I don't think she was too pleased that I was doing things on my own. This morning she woke up and there was a bit of frosty sighing before getting up early to make herself a cup of tea and then sitting up in bed drinking it while sniffling etc, she was showing me that she's upset. It's to show that she's upset and vulnerable and a ploy to get me to "come to the rescue" and give her the attention and admiration that she craves.

She's clearly not happy and in a bit of a state, since I haven't come to the rescue like I always do. There was just a lot of activity this mornin. Kitchen table has been moved, rug pulled away, floor vacuumed. An hour later and everything is still out (table moved, rug rolled up) as if it's a monument or display to show how busy she is doing housework. She's now left the house, gone for a walk!

Imagine a guy cheating on his wife, and then taking it out on her for not doing enough to take him back and make it up to him. It sounds ridiculous, but unfortunately it seems that's the place that I find myself in.

I refuse to be used as a puppet anymore to have my strings pulled to perform to her expectations in a given moment.

I'm not doing anything different, I'm just not running to the rescue and I'm not letting my strings be pulled. Apart from that I'm just keeping the same. I'm just observing.

[whosbeensleeping]

I've just realised that throughout her attempts to "win me back" since Easter, there's been zero attempt to actually make amends and to make a connection with me.

She's been very busy, I can't deny that, but it's all been busy on housework, yardwork, cooking, cleaning etc. Like she's trying to be the picture of the perfect wife, except for the human connection part.

When this doesn’t work she then tries to force me (through emotional blackmail via suicide threats) to act the part that she needs from me. This actually worked for a while, maybe a week or two. However it made me feel violated, mentally and emotionally raped, and the lawyer I spoke to said that was assault and domestic violence. The psychologist has said that although I couldn't know it at the time, it seems that it was emotional blackmail.

The busy work without trying to establish a connection I think is very significant. It explains why last year when I sat her down for a talk and I began to apologise and ask what I could do to improve things between us she cut me off and said "You just need to do more work around here". No interest in a connection, more work is always the answer to any problems.

Looking back this has been a common theme and sore point and source of conflict in our relationship throughout. On weekends I would be tired from working all week, missing her from being at work and just wanting to hang out and spend quality time with her and doing things together. This mostly wasn't what she wanted from me, she preferred that I spend my time working (again), but this time on the house and yardwork etc.

Less connection - more work.

Maybe the pandemic and lockdown brought this underlying problem to the surface. I was home much more, which meant more time for connection, spending quality time together and actually having a relationship. I guess she found a way to stop that via her online relationship. She was getting all the attention, validation and admiration that she (as a narcissist) needed, without having to deal with all of that pesky human connection stuff. She could take credit for my hard work and weave fantasy tales about her brilliance and be admired for it. The narcissist’s dream. All this while she had me to provide the things she couldn't get from online such as food, clothing etc.

Meeting L has shown me a small glimpse of what proper human connection feels like, and I want more of that. Maybe this isn't possible with L, I really hope that it is, but I fear that I may have driven her away for good. Even if it's just a platonic friendship I would really value that. However maybe there is someone else out there who it's possible with. Unfortunately it's becoming clearer that it doesn't seem possible with "wife".

I worked out again last night instead of going to bed with her at 7:30pm, and again I don't think she was too pleased that I was doing things on my own. This morning she woke up and there was a bit of frosty sighing before getting up early to make herself a cup of tea and then sitting up in bed drinking it while sniffling etc, she was showing me that she's upset. It's to show that she's upset and vulnerable and a ploy to get me to "come to the rescue" and give her the attention and admiration that she craves.

She's clearly not happy and in a bit of a state, since I haven't come to the rescue like I always do. There was just a lot of activity this mornin. Kitchen table has been moved, rug pulled away, floor vacuumed. An hour later and everything is still out (table moved, rug rolled up) as if it's a monument or display to show how busy she is doing housework. She's now left the house, gone for a walk!

Imagine a guy cheating on his wife, and then taking it out on her for not doing enough to take him back and make it up to him. It sounds ridiculous, but unfortunately it seems that's the place that I find myself in.

I refuse to be used as a puppet anymore to have my strings pulled to perform to her expectations in a given moment.

I'm not doing anything different, I'm just not running to the rescue and I'm not letting my strings be pulled. Apart from that I'm just keeping the same. I'm just observing.

That part really resonates with me. People will show you who they are.
How goes the battle?

[newaussiecuck]

That part really resonates with me. People will show you who they are.
How goes the battle?

Yes, I think that was a pretty profound revelation. That and the way that she seems to be waiting for me to make amends with her. I think I wrote that it feels like the husband who cheated on his wife waiting for her to make it up to him. It's backwards.

I was about to say the battle has taken a bit of a hiatus as there hadn't really been anything to battle against for a few days. However when I returned from the park this morning she'd just taken a shower and told me she'll be catching the bus to the shops to buy a pair of shoes. She was in a really sullen beaten down and defeated kind of mood and I guess I fell for the rescue fantasy and offered to take her for lunch and drive her to the shops to get the shoes. Lunch and the whole trip was pretty uncomfortable but the mood improved a little by the end.

Thinking about it more, if she wanted to take the bus to buy shoes on her own. then why not do it tomorrow while I'm away at work. The fact she waited until I was home tells me it was another manipulation tactic. So I guess I lost that round, but I had already decided even before coming home that I was going to take her for lunch.

I guess she also got me in a weak moment, I was already feeling pretty deflated and down on myself.

Things were so much nicer and easier back when "wife" was busy on computer and I was getting to know L. "Wife had her relationship and I had seemed to be starting mine. Life was good and I had real hope for the future.

Unfortunately I've pretty much completely given up hope of ever seeing L again, life with "wife" is just miserable as I don’t have any energy left to give to her.

Feeling pretty deflated and not in a great mental space for meeting someone new. I have so many doubts of meeting someone else as a divorced late 40's guy with no friends. L just felt really good to be around, and I met her when I was in a really great space but I totally bombed it.