A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

That part really resonates with me. People will show you who they are.
How goes the battle?

Yes, I think that was a pretty profound revelation. That and the way that she seems to be waiting for me to make amends with her. I think I wrote that it feels like the husband who cheated on his wife waiting for her to make it up to him. It's backwards.

I was about to say the battle has taken a bit of a hiatus as there hadn't really been anything to battle against for a few days. However when I returned from the park this morning she'd just taken a shower and told me she'll be catching the bus to the shops to buy a pair of shoes. She was in a really sullen beaten down and defeated kind of mood and I guess I fell for the rescue fantasy and offered to take her for lunch and drive her to the shops to get the shoes. Lunch and the whole trip was pretty uncomfortable but the mood improved a little by the end.

Thinking about it more, if she wanted to take the bus to buy shoes on her own. then why not do it tomorrow while I'm away at work. The fact she waited until I was home tells me it was another manipulation tactic. So I guess I lost that round, but I had already decided even before coming home that I was going to take her for lunch.

I guess she also got me in a weak moment, I was already feeling pretty deflated and down on myself.

Things were so much nicer and easier back when "wife" was busy on computer and I was getting to know L. "Wife had her relationship and I had seemed to be starting mine. Life was good and I had real hope for the future.

Unfortunately I've pretty much completely given up hope of ever seeing L again, life with "wife" is just miserable as I don’t have any energy left to give to her.

Feeling pretty deflated and not in a great mental space for meeting someone new. I have so many doubts of meeting someone else as a divorced late 40's guy with no friends. L just felt really good to be around, and I met her when I was in a really great space but I totally bombed it.

I wrote the previous update while at the park waiting for some people to arrive, it's been a lot quieter there lately as a new park has opened up not too far away, plus the cold winter weather.

So when I got back home (I'd only been gone an hour in total) the house was empty! She'd gone again. This time I just let her be and refrained from calling. She came back about half an hour later. More anxiety for me.

I wouldn't say she was in a great mood when she returned. She put the recycling into the bin with it seemed a fair bit more noise than was needed. She cooked dinner and we ate it, all pretty frosty.

I'm not doing anything different, just keeping the same routine as I had for the previous 18 months or so. It's her expectations that's changed. I'm just observing.

It's fair to say that I have a knot in my stomach more often than not these days.

That Friday night that she threatened suicide, she blamed me for taking over everything and she had nothing left to do (someone had to do it while she was busy on the computer). So now she's taken it all on and been very busy. However I now hear lot of noise about how sore she is. I guess trying to make me feel guilty for her doing everything (which is what she wanted). So now she can use her busyness as a weapon against me, I guess next up will be complaints that I'm always at the park and not helping out enough around the house. There's literally no winning, so I don't even try anymore.

I feel like I'm in a lose - lose - lose situation. I can't see any outcome where I'm "winning". I either stay and endure this and keep battling (exhausting - lose), I stay and stop battling and cave into her (lose) or I decide to leave and endure the hell that will rain down on me, lose a lot of money in divorce settlement and at the end of all that I'll have no idea who I will end up with at the end of it all.

I'm trying not to think about it all, just putting one foot in front of the other.

[newaussiecuck]

I guess the only scenario where I'm "winning" is if I end up with someone great after all of this. Someone like L, or N or even J would make it all worthwhile I guess, but right now I'm not feeling so confident.

I also wanted to address a question some of you may have. Why did I put up with her for so long even before all this madness started 3 years ago. I guess that throughout it all, I always felt that although she was very controlling etc, that she always knew best and had my (and our) best interests at heart. That kind of got shattered and with what happened over these last 3 years it's hard to see how she's possibly had my best interest at heart. It's much harder to be controlled by someone when you know they're just looking out for themself and not you. Everything changes once you realise that.

[whosbeensleeping]

Dodging your question for now. Will come back to it.

Was going to ask if it's time for a workout?
As for the late 40's thing you've got nothing to worry about. This is where age really is just a number.

[Long Lurker 34]

That part really resonates with me. People will show you who they are.
How goes the battle?

Yes, I think that was a pretty profound revelation. That and the way that she seems to be waiting for me to make amends with her. I think I wrote that it feels like the husband who cheated on his wife waiting for her to make it up to him. It's backwards.

I was about to say the battle has taken a bit of a hiatus as there hadn't really been anything to battle against for a few days. However when I returned from the park this morning she'd just taken a shower and told me she'll be catching the bus to the shops to buy a pair of shoes. She was in a really sullen beaten down and defeated kind of mood and I guess I fell for the rescue fantasy and offered to take her for lunch and drive her to the shops to get the shoes. Lunch and the whole trip was pretty uncomfortable but the mood improved a little by the end.

Thinking about it more, if she wanted to take the bus to buy shoes on her own. then why not do it tomorrow while I'm away at work. The fact she waited until I was home tells me it was another manipulation tactic. So I guess I lost that round, but I had already decided even before coming home that I was going to take her for lunch.

I guess she also got me in a weak moment, I was already feeling pretty deflated and down on myself.

Things were so much nicer and easier back when "wife" was busy on computer and I was getting to know L. "Wife had her relationship and I had seemed to be starting mine. Life was good and I had real hope for the future.

Unfortunately I've pretty much completely given up hope of ever seeing L again, life with "wife" is just miserable as I don’t have any energy left to give to her.

Feeling pretty deflated and not in a great mental space for meeting someone new. I have so many doubts of meeting someone else as a divorced late 40's guy with no friends. L just felt really good to be around, and I met her when I was in a really great space but I totally bombed it.

I wrote the previous update while at the park waiting for some people to arrive, it's been a lot quieter there lately as a new park has opened up not too far away, plus the cold winter weather.

So when I got back home (I'd only been gone an hour in total) the house was empty! She'd gone again. This time I just let her be and refrained from calling. She came back about half an hour later. More anxiety for me.

I wouldn't say she was in a great mood when she returned. She put the recycling into the bin with it seemed a fair bit more noise than was needed. She cooked dinner and we ate it, all pretty frosty.

I'm not doing anything different, just keeping the same routine as I had for the previous 18 months or so. It's her expectations that's changed. I'm just observing.

It's fair to say that I have a knot in my stomach more often than not these days.

That Friday night that she threatened suicide, she blamed me for taking over everything and she had nothing left to do (someone had to do it while she was busy on the computer). So now she's taken it all on and been very busy. However I now hear lot of noise about how sore she is. I guess trying to make me feel guilty for her doing everything (which is what she wanted). So now she can use her busyness as a weapon against me, I guess next up will be complaints that I'm always at the park and not helping out enough around the house. There's literally no winning, so I don't even try anymore.

I feel like I'm in a lose - lose - lose situation. I can't see any outcome where I'm "winning". I either stay and endure this and keep battling (exhausting - lose), I stay and stop battling and cave into her (lose) or I decide to leave and endure the hell that will rain down on me, lose a lot of money in divorce settlement and at the end of all that I'll have no idea who I will end up with at the end of it all.

I'm trying not to think about it all, just putting one foot in front of the other.

NAC - Really ending up with one of the woman with whom you having been passing friendly would be nice. But this should not be your go to end goal, no matter how much you may be attracted to any of them. There could someone whom you have not met yet too.
Personally, I think goal one is to get away from your clearly, mentally health challenged 'wife'. Yes it will cost but you need to preserve your self. Then before you get caught up intensely with someone else, take sometime and get the boat back on an even keel. You have had quite a drawn out experience and I think need to do some recovery first.

[newaussiecuck]

Dodging your question for now. Will come back to it.

Was going to ask if it's time for a workout?
As for the late 40's thing you've got nothing to worry about. This is where age really is just a number.

Yeah it's time for another workout tonight. However I am feeling a lot better just at the moment. It's probably significant that it's now Monday morning and I'm at work in the office. I guess it's a case of out of sight out of mind.

Thinking back to last week I was also in a pretty bad state by the end of Sunday. I think it's just being in her presence for too long that's really dragging down my mental state. I'll have to keep note of that.

Thanks for the pick up in regards to age.

[newaussiecuck]

That part really resonates with me. People will show you who they are.
How goes the battle?

Yes, I think that was a pretty profound revelation. That and the way that she seems to be waiting for me to make amends with her. I think I wrote that it feels like the husband who cheated on his wife waiting for her to make it up to him. It's backwards.

I was about to say the battle has taken a bit of a hiatus as there hadn't really been anything to battle against for a few days. However when I returned from the park this morning she'd just taken a shower and told me she'll be catching the bus to the shops to buy a pair of shoes. She was in a really sullen beaten down and defeated kind of mood and I guess I fell for the rescue fantasy and offered to take her for lunch and drive her to the shops to get the shoes. Lunch and the whole trip was pretty uncomfortable but the mood improved a little by the end.

Thinking about it more, if she wanted to take the bus to buy shoes on her own. then why not do it tomorrow while I'm away at work. The fact she waited until I was home tells me it was another manipulation tactic. So I guess I lost that round, but I had already decided even before coming home that I was going to take her for lunch.

I guess she also got me in a weak moment, I was already feeling pretty deflated and down on myself.

Things were so much nicer and easier back when "wife" was busy on computer and I was getting to know L. "Wife had her relationship and I had seemed to be starting mine. Life was good and I had real hope for the future.

Unfortunately I've pretty much completely given up hope of ever seeing L again, life with "wife" is just miserable as I don’t have any energy left to give to her.

Feeling pretty deflated and not in a great mental space for meeting someone new. I have so many doubts of meeting someone else as a divorced late 40's guy with no friends. L just felt really good to be around, and I met her when I was in a really great space but I totally bombed it.

I wrote the previous update while at the park waiting for some people to arrive, it's been a lot quieter there lately as a new park has opened up not too far away, plus the cold winter weather.

So when I got back home (I'd only been gone an hour in total) the house was empty! She'd gone again. This time I just let her be and refrained from calling. She came back about half an hour later. More anxiety for me.

I wouldn't say she was in a great mood when she returned. She put the recycling into the bin with it seemed a fair bit more noise than was needed. She cooked dinner and we ate it, all pretty frosty.

I'm not doing anything different, just keeping the same routine as I had for the previous 18 months or so. It's her expectations that's changed. I'm just observing.

It's fair to say that I have a knot in my stomach more often than not these days.

That Friday night that she threatened suicide, she blamed me for taking over everything and she had nothing left to do (someone had to do it while she was busy on the computer). So now she's taken it all on and been very busy. However I now hear lot of noise about how sore she is. I guess trying to make me feel guilty for her doing everything (which is what she wanted). So now she can use her busyness as a weapon against me, I guess next up will be complaints that I'm always at the park and not helping out enough around the house. There's literally no winning, so I don't even try anymore.

I feel like I'm in a lose - lose - lose situation. I can't see any outcome where I'm "winning". I either stay and endure this and keep battling (exhausting - lose), I stay and stop battling and cave into her (lose) or I decide to leave and endure the hell that will rain down on me, lose a lot of money in divorce settlement and at the end of all that I'll have no idea who I will end up with at the end of it all.

I'm trying not to think about it all, just putting one foot in front of the other.

NAC - Really ending up with one of the woman with whom you having been passing friendly would be nice. But this should not be your go to end goal, no matter how much you may be attracted to any of them. There could someone whom you have not met yet too.
Personally, I think goal one is to get away from your clearly, mentally health challenged 'wife'. Yes it will cost but you need to preserve your self. Then before you get caught up intensely with someone else, take sometime and get the boat back on an even keel. You have had quite a drawn out experience and I think need to do some recovery first.

Agreed, it would be nice but unlikely that I would end up with any of the ones I've currently mentioned. I guess I was meaning someone like them, rather than one of them specifically.

I guess I should also recognise how I was feeling last night vs how I'm feeling today, and it could be (probably is) a case of being lonely and with nobody as being better than being with someone that constantly drags you down.

I've come to realise over the last couple of years that the only thing worse than being lonely is being lonely while in a relationship.

I've also come to realise the reason why I'm feeling it so much worse now than I was over last couple of years. She had someone else providing what she's now extracting from me. I wasn't feeling so depleted as she wasn't taking from me, just ignoring me. Being ignored was better.

[whosbeensleeping]

So true, especially the bit about being lonely in a relationship.

[newaussiecuck]

No L at the park again but there was a newcomer VN lady of her mum's age. Could just be a random person or could have been a friend of her mum's. I was in really good sprits and energetic mood anyway and I spoke to her a bit and made her feel welcome (as I do of all newcomers regardless of who they are). I do hope she is somehow a friend of the family. She did wave goodbye to me (and only me) as she was leaving.

When I got home from work and then again from the park "wife" was in a good mood and great spirits go figure. Complete 180 from most of the weekend. How very bizarre, but not surprising. It's been a blitzkrieg of shifting random moods and emotions and strategies, tactics and ploys. All keeps me 2nd guessing and focused on her. As I've come to learn from my readings and experiences, it doesn't matter how it gets there, as long as my focus is on her that's all she needs. Could be for good reasons or bad reasons it doesn't really seem to matter.

After dinner there was some new quiz show on the tv, and she made a point of calling out the answers. I was only half paying attention as I was watching another show on my laptop at the same time so gave the right answers but maybe half a second after she gave her answer. She then made a comment like "It's easier for you to get the right answer after I've already given it to you". It wasn’t put quite as bluntly as that but the gist was the same. The comment didn’t bother me and I'm used to shit-canning with my work mates etc so just took it in that spirit. However it's what she did afterwards that made it into an obvious attempted put-down attack on my self-worth. She very condescendingly rubbed my chest in a soothing manner (almost infantalising) and said that she's only kidding and doesn't mean it. As if to convey the message that she's superior and I have to be consoled after being shown up by her brilliance.

I think it was supposed to be an attack at the subconscious level, but it didn't land. I saw right through it immediately and internally I was actually kind of laughing at her for her pathetic attempt.

After that I started paying attention to the show and started kicking her ass! Calling out the right answers ahead of her and some she even got wrong. It was kind of funny to watch the excuses start.

I was still feeling pretty tense afterwards though, seems that spending any kind of time in her presence has that effect.

I then went and did a good workout.

[whosbeensleeping]

It just underlines for me how good it is that you are getting a record of all this. It would be very easy to mentally erase this kind of stuff. Your future self will be very happy you noted it all.

[newaussiecuck]

It just underlines for me how good it is that you are getting a record of all this. It would be very easy to mentally erase this kind of stuff. Your future self will be very happy you noted it all.

Yes indeed, especially the more subtle ones will be easily forgotten. As I start to set boundaries and protect myself more and guard against her manipulation she will hopefully give up on trying to push me around as much.


No L at the park, which makes it 3 weeks now. I obviously wish I handled things a little differently but I guess as long as I learn from my mistakes then progress can be made. I have a LOT of progress to make. Having said that, I don't think I did TOO much wrong, I overshared that day, and then the following meeting I chose a poor time to ask to exchange contacts and then fumbled the exchange. Apart from that though, I don’t think there was much wrong. Maybe she'll come back one day.

I bought a 4th book, titled "The Narcissist's Playbook: How to Identify, Disarm, and Protect Yourself from Narcissists, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, and Other Types of Manipulative and Abusive People" by Dana Morningstar

I haven't started reading it yet, but it also seems like it will be good. I have a lot to learn in this space so I don't keep becoming a target for "wife" or someone else.

Lastly, I have the appointment with the psychologist tomorrow.

[whosbeensleeping]

That looks like an excellent book.
Too bad about L, but I suspect she'll be back.

[newaussiecuck]

I had the session with the psychologist. He was very happy that I just let her go when I got home to the empty house. He's also happy that I'm catching a lot of the manipulation attempts. He said there will be some I miss and won't realise for days or even months. but just use them as learning experiences.

He said the more that I catch will help firm up a picture of who she is which will help when it comes to making a decision about the relationship.

I mentioned about L and not seeing her for 3 weeks and I even mentioned about N.

I told him about dreading coming home on Friday nights and being happy Sunday night that I'll be going to work the next day.

He then started doing some work on rebuilding my self esteem after so many years of abuse and belittling etc. He said that she puts me into no-win positions which can only result in me feeling like I suck and always seem to get things wrong. It's not because of somthing wrong with me, just being set up to fail all the time.

So all in all I think it was a good session and I feel like I'm making good progress.

[newaussiecuck]

I answered a PM and thought I'd share the sentiment, I've edited and added some additional information.

L has been great for me already and even if I never see her again I'll be forever greatful that she came into my life at the time that she did. She got me unstuck from my long term situation. She gave me the hope and strength that I needed to push back on my "wife's" attempts to visit the park with me that day. That action was what ended "wife’s" nearly 3 years online relationship. It was only after that ended that I was able to see her true self. I had no idea she was like that until her strange attempts to "win me back". The crazy behaviour and abuse was on full display at that time. If by some miracle we're able to work things out and we do manage to stay together then that also would only have been possible because of L.

I'm taking this time to learn and grow stronger. I realise that I need to be stronger and wiser in order to face what will come when I leave. I do feel that I'm making great gains and quite quickly.

Yes, N, the girl at work would be amazing! Unfortunately I don't bump into her much which is a little frustrating but also probably a good thing in my current situation.

I think it's possible/probable that L has her own issues to deal with and doesn't have the capacity to take on mine. I just wish I could let her know that I'm doing very well and that I'll never burden her with my problems. I just wish that I could give L my heartfelt thanks and wish her well if she doesn't wish to remain in contact.

[newaussiecuck]

One last thought I wanted to mention. Remember not long after meeting L I prayed on her and wife and felt a burst of light with L and then darkness when thinking of "wife".

In two of the 4 books I've read, they actually use the term "evil" to describe the narcissist. Back then was before I had heard of that term as a personality disorder much less thought of it in connection with "wife". I just thought it was interesting how I picked up on that darkness (evil) in regards to "wife" and how the books describe narcissists as "evil".

I guess I somehow knew even back then.

[joel68]

Just curious about the books you are reading. Do you keep them well hidden so your wife cannot see them? If so, where are they kept? In your car? At work?

Just wondering.

[newaussiecuck]

Just curious about the books you are reading. Do you keep them well hidden so your wife cannot see them? If so, where are they kept? In your car? At work?

Just wondering.

They're Kindle e-books (with audio version also) so that I can read/ listen without tipping her off. Yes it would be a complete disaster if she saw me reading these books.

They're on my account, all other kindle books were on her account (even my own).

[joel68]

Ok. I guess I am too much old school. Sorry for my lack of tech knowledge.

[newaussiecuck]

I've been thinking a lot more about N these last few days, and trying to work out a way of engineering a situation where I might bump into her again. Since we work on different floors, in different departments and because of flexible work arrangements we only seem to share 1 day a week when we're both in the office, it's difficult to actually bump into her.

I've even been having some thoughts of just going down to her desk and saying hi, or just sending a brief message on the workplace communication tool to see if she wants to grab a coffee or something. I haven't acted on it yet, but I've been having those thoughts.

However, this morning I actually got an email from N that was addressed to my team for a work related request asking for some assistance and information. It's her first work related request to our team since I've worked here. Of course I made sure to take ownership of the request and emailed her back letting her know that I'm looking into it for her and will get back to her shortly.

Her request wasn’t really even within my area of expertise but will help her out.

It's probably entirely a coincidence that her request came now, but it's interesting that it came at a time when I've been trying to come up with an excuse to contact her. Well now I have one!

I'm not suggesting she was conspiring to find a way to email me, she clearly wasn't as it was a legitimate work request addressed to a group email I'm in. However, sometimes it can be funny the way the universe responds when I was trying hard to think of a way to make contact this drops right into my lap.


Apart from N, I actually had a dream about L last night! The dream actually had a huge amount of chaos going on in the background which I was trying to remain calm about while also hanging out with L I can clearly see the parallels with my life right now.

The site is down at the moment, so will post this when it's back up.

[newaussiecuck]

So I pretty much made the job for N as my focus for today. To be honest if it was someone else I would have just left the job for someone else to do, or would have done it next week. So N got treated like a VIP today. I actually outdid myself and did some really great work on it, considering it's not my area of expertise at all. Even my co-workers were impressed.

Instead of just emailing her the results, I took the time to message her (like the way I had been trying to think of a reason to message her, but now I had a reason to). I messaged her and asked her if she was free for a call. Again I could have just emailed her, but I guess I wanted to make sure she knew it was me working on this for her lol. Although we had just sent a few messages back and forth with instant response in the leadup to me asking this question, when I asked this, she actually took about 3 minutes to respond and then said yes she's free with a smiley emoji. I'm actually wondering if she was making sure her hair was done, since she's working from home today lol. I initiated a video call and many people answer with just an audio call and don't put on their video, however she did so we did have a video call.

So we had the call and I showed her the work and then we chatted for a few minutes afterwards about our respective plans for the weekend. It sounds like she didn't really have much plans (interesting) just going for a walk with her sister and watching some show on Netflix. So I could be wrong but I'm picturing that she might be single, or at least she didn't go out of her way to say that she had plans with a partner. Often times a girl would go out of their way to show they're not single (or even invent someone) if they're not interested. I didn't get that impression.

So now that I've messaged her this time, it won't be quite so strangely out of the blue to message her again I guess. The conversation history is there with her name on it. It's just a click and type away instead of going to the effort of searching her name and adding her etc. I'd love to ask her for coffee or something next week.

[newaussiecuck]

So I pretty much made the job for N as my focus for today. To be honest if it was someone else I would have just left the job for someone else to do, or would have done it next week. So N got treated like a VIP today. I actually outdid myself and did some really great work on it, considering it's not my area of expertise at all. Even my co-workers were impressed.

Instead of just emailing her the results, I took the time to message her (like the way I had been trying to think of a reason to message her, but now I had a reason to). I messaged her and asked her if she was free for a call. Again I could have just emailed her, but I guess I wanted to make sure she knew it was me working on this for her lol. Although we had just sent a few messages back and forth with instant response in the leadup to me asking this question, when I asked this, she actually took about 3 minutes to respond and then said yes she's free with a smiley emoji. I'm actually wondering if she was making sure her hair was done, since she's working from home today lol. I initiated a video call and many people answer with just an audio call and don't put on their video, however she did so we did have a video call.

So we had the call and I showed her the work and then we chatted for a few minutes afterwards about our respective plans for the weekend. It sounds like she didn't really have much plans (interesting) just going for a walk with her sister and watching some show on Netflix. So I could be wrong but I'm picturing that she might be single, or at least she didn't go out of her way to say that she had plans with a partner. Often times a girl would go out of their way to show they're not single (or even invent someone) if they're not interested. I didn't get that impression.

So now that I've messaged her this time, it won't be quite so strangely out of the blue to message her again I guess. The conversation history is there with her name on it. It's just a click and type away instead of going to the effort of searching her name and adding her etc. I'd love to ask her for coffee or something next week.

I don't mean to suggest that I was jumping through hoops in order to please her. I'm trying to be less of a people pleaser as I always put others first, I need to do less of that.

However I saw it was a great opportunity to put myself in her frame of mind and demonstrate competence in my work. Especially right before a long weekend, and as it turns out, she'll be taking a very long walk with her sister who's getting married soon. So I do wonder if I could possibly be on her mind durung this.

It was also a good win/win. I learned somthing new, demonstrated good work to my boss and co-workers, plus it helped N out a lot with her job, and we got to have some extra contact. Win/Win/Win/Win!

[whosbeensleeping]

Cool stuff. Nice that you have something to feel good about.

[newaussiecuck]

Cool stuff. Nice that you have something to feel good about.

Yeah a little boost to my self esteem if nothing else, but I really do need that since it was a lot of the focus of the psychologist session this week. I think I mentioned he took note when I mentioned about N, it seems he thought it was significant.

So I got to know a bit more about her today with learning about how her sister is getting married and N will be her bridesmaid. She also told me about the Netflix show she'll be watching on the weekend and what it's all about etc. She then asked me about my plans for the weekend etc. Was a good nice little exchange. I think I mentioned a while back that I find her pretty attractive?



I just got to thinking tonight of a major what-if.

What if all these years of "wife's" constant manipulation, belittling and controlling etc which has eroded my self worth and self esteem, had been somewhat counterbalanced by little self esteem boosts at work. From demonstrated competence in my work, to little boosts in self esteem from interactions with co-workers like bits of harmless flirting etc.

Now take a pandemic with lockdowns and stay at home orders and work from home. No interactions with co-workers means that counterbalance of self esteem boosts were removed, plus more time with "wife" and more erosion of self esteem.

What if this then resulted in a complete crashing of my self esteem and a capitulation. "Wife’s" narcissism, manipulation and control could then run riot unchecked if I'd lost the strength and ability to stand up to her.

I guess things started turning around for me once I'd returned back to work. I was again getting some self esteem boosts while being affected less by "wife's" behaviour since I wasn't around as much.

I also got a pretty big boost from meeting and interacting with L, which gave me the strength to finally stand up to "wife".

It's amazing how much better I'm feeling about life tonight, just from today's interactions with N!

[whosbeensleeping]

That is good indeed. I would try not to show it, as your wife will surely pick up on it and retaliate. And possibly escalate if she can. I would stay on your guard.

[newaussiecuck]

That is good indeed. I would try not to show it, as your wife will surely pick up on it and retaliate. And possibly escalate if she can. I would stay on your guard.

Yes, you're definitely right as acting happy seems to trigger her. However I also have mixed feelings about that, as having to repress feelings out of fear for how wife will react probably isn’t a great long term strategy. I really should feel how I feel and then call her out for bad behaviour if she does react. I probably need to start getting on the front foot more instead of just hiding and ducking for cover. However, it's much easier said than done.

My brother is visiting today and staying overnight. After I picked him up from airport came home and wife had somehow managed to injure her pinky finger while I was out and was sitting there with a bag of ice on it (sympathy). It's probably legitimate, surely she wouldn't have deliberately hurt herself to gain sympathy would she? Surely not. Apparently she shook her jacket and the zippper from the jacket hit her pinky finger and caused it to swell up and turn black.

Surely that's what really happened and it was just coincidence that it happened right before he arrived. Surely.

I'm reading yet another book and this one is so very good. It's not about narcissists this time, but there is some crossover information like importance of setting boundaries etc. I can't recommend this book enough, and have learned so much and can recognise many mistakes I've made over the years. I have much work to do. The book is called
"What Women Want When They Test Men How to Decode Female Behavior, Pass a Woman’s Tests, and Attract Women Through Authenticity" By Bruce Bryans

After this book the next one I'm thinking of getting is "How To Flirt With Women: The Essential Men's Guide to Flirting for Seduction or Dating." by Chris Hemswatt

It looks good but maybe there's better books out there on this topic. Any suggestions???

Edit:
I guess what I mean to say is that if I'm feeling happy and confident then I should be able to act happy and confident regardless of what got me to feel that way. It should be my default position in life. If I'm not allowed to feel that way (and it seems that I'm not), then it highlights that something is seriously wrong and makes it easier to make a decision. If she's able to accept it and get used to me feeling happy and confident then maybe she has a possible pathway to redemption.

[newaussiecuck]

This morning after brother had left wife asked me if I'm taking the dogs to the park (since it was that time). Surprisingly she said that she's going to go to Mass (Church). I say surprisingly as she hasn't been for over 10 years. I guess it's good for her if she's feeling lost etc.

However, is it part of flipping things around and showing she's the good one for doing all the work around the home and cooking and cleaning and now going to church while I'm the bad one for leaving her to do everything and leaving her alone at home while I'm off enjoying myself at the park and not letting her go. I think the church thing could be more about that.

I've had to remain emotionally distant from her as she hasn't shown that she's safe for me to be close to. She can use that to show I'm the bad guy.

So I'm at the park and have my mother in law's dog with me and now PG just came and walked past while she was sitting in my lap. I guess if she does know L then she will report that back. L will think that things with wife are back to being good again. I feel like I just got busted. I didn't get a chance to speak to her unfortunately, I wanted to ask her if she knows L.