Our Hotwives

Thanks for the updates. It sounds like you're doing are well as possible in a sombre situation.
Good that you are doing those self-care things that LL34 mentioned. I've found that strengthening your self as an independent individual is the way that you will move out of the destructive cycles that carry on long after the actual relationship may be over and can zap one's ability to be present.
That said, there is the problem of normalising the behaviour of the abuser, which the victim tends to do. It has been said that the trauma bond is an addiction that is stronger than cocaine or heroin.
It is better to leave, even when it feels impossible, than to stay in the destructive cycle. It may feel noble, but but that is the addiction talking. You can google trauma bond for a better explanation, or dm me and I'll send along a good reference about it. You've likely read about it already.
I guess I think it may be time to go out with the dog one day and not come back.

I hope the dog is ok.

whosbeensleeping wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 06, 2024 6:43 pm

Thanks for the updates. It sounds like you're doing are well as possible in a sombre situation.
Good that you are doing those self-care things that LL34 mentioned. I've found that strengthening your self as an independent individual is the way that you will move out of the destructive cycles that carry on long after the actual relationship may be over and can zap one's ability to be present.
That said, there is the problem of normalising the behaviour of the abuser, which the victim tends to do. It has been said that the trauma bond is an addiction that is stronger than cocaine or heroin.
It is better to leave, even when it feels impossible, than to stay in the destructive cycle. It may feel noble, but but that is the addiction talking. You can google trauma bond for a better explanation, or dm me and I'll send along a good reference about it. You've likely read about it already.
I guess I think it may be time to go out with the dog one day and not come back.

Yeah doing my best I guess. I guess things were easier when I was able to bury my head in the sand and just go along with things and not rock the boat. Just do my work, don't ask any questions and let her do what she wants. There's only a couple of hours a day we have to spend together anyway and it becomes easier to just forget about everything and pretend everything is ok.

I guess with the Xmas break and everything that went on there it's hard to ignore. I guess she can keep it together for a weekend but 10 days was too much for her to cover over before things. Now that I'm more aware and focusing on the problems again she senses that and things spiral out of control.

I need to go back and re-read / listen to a couple of the audio books I have. It's been quite a few months since I've taken it in, time for a refresher.

You're correct about normalising the behaviour, I really do that.

She's not having a great day today, but mostly keeping to herself but it's clear she's putting her bad mood onto me as my problem to fix.

joel68 wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:45 pm

I hope the dog is ok.

Yes the dog is ok,the little one that belongs to her mum was fine the next day. Vomiting out whatever bad food she ate really helped.

As for my dog, she's good. Her leg hasn't been sore since or before that incident I wrote about a few months back. Just a once off.

Good to hear. One less thing to worry about.

I've been listening to one of the audiobooks again. Seeing everything she does laid out so clearly is pretty confronting but I need to face it and can't just keep my head buried in the sand. I can clearly see the cycle of abuse playing out. Devaluation ( her picking faults on my car and abilities to repair it). Discard (silent treatment over New Year's eve). Love bombing (current phase. She's cooking nice meals now and acting all sweet and happy. She was fishing for compliments last night in regards to the meal). Next up will be the devaluation phase again. That may not be for a while though, I think she realises I'm not reeled back in yet after the New Year's silent treatment. I either need to fake it, or the intensity will ramp up until she starts getting frustrated I'm not back on board and then she will start getting angry.

As of right now things are the complete opposite of how they were just 12 days ago on New Year's eve. She's fussing over me and showing a lot of affection (just trimmed the hair off the back of my neck). Keeps asking if I'm ok etc etc. Long affectionate warm cuddles this morning in bed. Warm embrace whenever we pass each other in the house. It's at times like this when it's most difficult to contemplate leaving as right now things are the way I would want them to be. Of course I know in my head that's the whole point of her acting in this way, to butter me up, put me back to sleep so that I don't rock the boat.

Feeling vs knowing in my head is different though.

Hope you're able to speak with the counselor and get some perspective. An in-person ally with their skills can hopefully help you stay grounded.
Part of you knows the difference between authentic and performative. By forcing you to settle for the performative, it may cause you to feel some self-loathing and reinforce her position of dominance over you, at least in her mind.
Just a few thoughts.

Whosebeen,

You are very perceptive and knowledgeable.

Thanks J.

Agreed, that was incredibly insightful and reflects exactly how I feel. On the one hand at least I am aware of it now enough that I don't get sucked in as much (still a little) and am not hurt as badly (still a little) when the inevitable rug gets pulled out.

You're right though, feeling as though I have to play a role I don't want to play isn't much fun.

I've been reflecting a bit of late on her nature and I can see a sadistic streak even from early on. Where she would enjoy saying things just to shock me and see my reaction. Or bring up topics for no reason that she knows are upsetting to me (ie comments like suggesting we should knock down the house and rebuild).

Early on she also asked things about what I like sexually and then didn't do them saying "You would enjoy it too much"

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 11, 2024 2:06 pm

As of right now things are the complete opposite of how they were just 12 days ago on New Year's eve. She's fussing over me and showing a lot of affection (just trimmed the hair off the back of my neck). Keeps asking if I'm ok etc etc. Long affectionate warm cuddles this morning in bed. Warm embrace whenever we pass each other in the house. It's at times like this when it's most difficult to contemplate leaving as right now things are the way I would want them to be. Of course I know in my head that's the whole point of her acting in this way, to butter me up, put me back to sleep so that I don't rock the boat.

Feeling vs knowing in my head is different though.

Things have flipped again. We had a catchup with her friends for lunch. I came home early from the park this morning so we wouldn't be late and so she wouldn't be in a bad mood like last time we went out.

Start of the lunch was ok but some way through I felt her mood shift and she went a bit quiet and I could just tell she was off. We were invited to stay and go out for dinner also, but she declined. Pretty much silence on the way home.

She's pretty much kept to herself tonight on her phone (I know what that means).

I have no idea what triggered the change. Maybe hearing about how great evetyone else's life is and realising ours sucks??

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 13, 2024 3:42 am

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 11, 2024 2:06 pm

As of right now things are the complete opposite of how they were just 12 days ago on New Year's eve. She's fussing over me and showing a lot of affection (just trimmed the hair off the back of my neck). Keeps asking if I'm ok etc etc. Long affectionate warm cuddles this morning in bed. Warm embrace whenever we pass each other in the house. It's at times like this when it's most difficult to contemplate leaving as right now things are the way I would want them to be. Of course I know in my head that's the whole point of her acting in this way, to butter me up, put me back to sleep so that I don't rock the boat.

Feeling vs knowing in my head is different though.

Things have flipped again. We had a catchup with her friends for lunch. I came home early from the park this morning so we wouldn't be late and so she wouldn't be in a bad mood like last time we went out.

Start of the lunch was ok but some way through I felt her mood shift and she went a bit quiet and I could just tell she was off. We were invited to stay and go out for dinner also, but she declined. Pretty much silence on the way home.

She's pretty much kept to herself tonight on her phone (I know what that means).

I have no idea what triggered the change. Maybe hearing about how great evetyone else's life is and realising ours sucks??

NAC - When you see your psychologist again mention this sort of 'happening' occurring with your wife. I'm wondering if she has some sort of multiple personality disorder.

Long Lurker 34 wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 13, 2024 5:32 am

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Sat Jan 13, 2024 3:42 am

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 11, 2024 2:06 pm

As of right now things are the complete opposite of how they were just 12 days ago on New Year's eve. She's fussing over me and showing a lot of affection (just trimmed the hair off the back of my neck). Keeps asking if I'm ok etc etc. Long affectionate warm cuddles this morning in bed. Warm embrace whenever we pass each other in the house. It's at times like this when it's most difficult to contemplate leaving as right now things are the way I would want them to be. Of course I know in my head that's the whole point of her acting in this way, to butter me up, put me back to sleep so that I don't rock the boat.

Feeling vs knowing in my head is different though.

Things have flipped again. We had a catchup with her friends for lunch. I came home early from the park this morning so we wouldn't be late and so she wouldn't be in a bad mood like last time we went out.

Start of the lunch was ok but some way through I felt her mood shift and she went a bit quiet and I could just tell she was off. We were invited to stay and go out for dinner also, but she declined. Pretty much silence on the way home.

She's pretty much kept to herself tonight on her phone (I know what that means).

I have no idea what triggered the change. Maybe hearing about how great evetyone else's life is and realising ours sucks??

NAC - When you see your psychologist again mention this sort of 'happening' occurring with your wife. I'm wondering if she has some sort of multiple personality disorder.

Yes I have considered that myself. However with Narcisist personality disorder it's well known there's a Dr Jekkyl and Mr Hide thing going on. I think what I am seeing is tbe Mr Hyde side coming out. Scary as fuck it is! To the point where I'd probably do anything to not see it.

So there's 3 people in this relationship. Myself, Dr Jekkyl and Mr Hyde.

So last time I checked the clock last night was 1am and she was still up in the living room (tv on but also on her phone as usual). I'm not sure exactly what time she came to bed but I think it might have been around 2 or 2:30am (as if 1am isn't late enough).

This morning I got up around 6am, maybe 20 mins earlier than usual to get ready for work. She commented about how I'm up already and I let her know I have to leave a bit earlier due to major roadworks on my main route to work.

Later as I was putting my shoes on to leave, I noticed her wiping a tear from her eye (not sure if it was a real tear or not. Probably was). I just gave her an extra long hug with my goodbye.

It's strange incongruent double standards behavior that's hard to fathom. Staying up till 2am is fine, but leaving a few minutes earlier for work is questioned.

I'll be making an appointment today to see the psychologist again after many months. Not sure when I'll be able to get in to see him, hopefully soon.

Yes, hope you get in soon. That's a lot of weirdness and it must be quite a burden.

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Sun Jan 14, 2024 2:27 pm

So last time I checked the clock last night was 1am and she was still up in the living room (tv on but also on her phone as usual). I'm not sure exactly what time she came to bed but I think it might have been around 2 or 2:30am (as if 1am isn't late enough).

This morning I got up around 6am, maybe 20 mins earlier than usual to get ready for work. She commented about how I'm up already and I let her know I have to leave a bit earlier due to major roadworks on my main route to work.

Later as I was putting my shoes on to leave, I noticed her wiping a tear from her eye (not sure if it was a real tear or not. Probably was). I just gave her an extra long hug with my goodbye.

It's strange incongruent double standards behavior that's hard to fathom. Staying up till 2am is fine, but leaving a few minutes earlier for work is questioned.

I'll be making an appointment today to see the psychologist again after many months. Not sure when I'll be able to get in to see him, hopefully soon.

NAC -

whosbeensleeping wrote: ↑

Sun Jan 14, 2024 7:08 pm

Yes, hope you get in soon. That's a lot of weirdness and it must be quite a burden.

Thank you, yeah it's driving me crazy to be honest.

I've sent an email off to the psychologist to reply to the email he sent me a couple of months back.

I just outlined a few things that's happened and asked if he could setup an appointment.

I mentioned how she's still communicating with the online person, and that if she couldn't stop after all of the hell we went through last year with the suicide threats and emotional blackmail etc etc, then I'm left feeling like there's nothing further that can be done. If all that couldn't make her stop then nothing will.

Even if I was able to somehow talk sense into her and get her to stop, then I don't think I could trust that she has in fact stopped and hasn't just hidden it better like she's done this time around. If she were in fact to stop for real, then I think the resentment she would have for me would be too much.

Anyway, that's pretty much where I'm up to.

It sucks. Against my better judgement I gave her another chance and this is what she's done with it.

The hardest part is all of the pretending that everything's fine.

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Tue Jan 16, 2024 8:56 pm

whosbeensleeping wrote: ↑

Sun Jan 14, 2024 7:08 pm

Yes, hope you get in soon. That's a lot of weirdness and it must be quite a burden.

Thank you, yeah it's driving me crazy to be honest.

I've sent an email off to the psychologist to reply to the email he sent me a couple of months back.

I just outlined a few things that's happened and asked if he could setup an appointment.

I mentioned how she's still communicating with the online person, and that if she couldn't stop after all of the hell we went through last year with the suicide threats and emotional blackmail etc etc, then I'm left feeling like there's nothing further that can be done. If all that couldn't make her stop then nothing will.

Even if I was able to somehow talk sense into her and get her to stop, then I don't think I could trust that she has in fact stopped and hasn't just hidden it better like she's done this time around. If she were in fact to stop for real, then I think the resentment she would have for me would be too much.

Anyway, that's pretty much where I'm up to.

It sucks. Against my better judgement I gave her another chance and this is what she's done with it.

The hardest part is all of the pretending that everything's fine.

NAC - Following

I just heard back and I have an appointment tomorrow. Best of all is it's face to face.

I actually sent a very lengthy email with some of the things that's been going on.

He didn't say much other than to say "it sounds like it's been eventful". I responded and said "Yes, eventful where it probably doesn't need to be" and he said "Unnecessary alright!!"

So will see how it goes tomorrow. Will be my first face to face, I think this will be good. The others were all video calls which is great and all but not quite the same.

Great news. I hope the appointment is helpful.

Same here. Hope it goes well. Sending good vibes.

newaussiecuck wrote: ↑

Wed Jan 17, 2024 5:54 pm

I just heard back and I have an appointment tomorrow. Best of all is it's face to face.

I actually sent a very lengthy email with some of the things that's been going on.

He didn't say much other than to say "it sounds like it's been eventful". I responded and said "Yes, eventful where it probably doesn't need to be" and he said "Unnecessary alright!!"

So will see how it goes tomorrow. Will be my first face to face, I think this will be good. The others were all video calls which is great and all but not quite the same.

NAC - Excellent news.

I had the session and it went well and was very helpful for me. It was great meeting face to face and I think that made a lot of difference.

I have a lot to think about and work on, but I think it's fair to say that I'm doing very well.

He told me he was absolutely horrified when he read the part in my email where I told him about her mother's dog on New Year's Eve. He said that to lock it in the bedroom with us when it had to void itself due to having the runs is abuse (remember I let it out right away so it didn't suffer in case you're concerned). I told him today that it reminded me of the time that I suspected that she may have hurt my/our dog's leg last year and he said "absolutely". In my mind at least I think that observing this incident with her mothers dog confirmed the suspicion I had at the time last year. I think this also puts my mind at rest somewhat as to whether all of this that has happened last few years is something that I have done wrong and somehow all my fault. No matter what I may have done wrong, or not done that I should have done or whatever other reason she has in her mind for treating me in this way, her mum's dog is completely innocent and has absolutely nothing to do with me or any of this. To be able to treat it in that way . . . . . . . . . . . . I think the renewal of the silent treatment on New Year's day and all of the iciness and excessive housework was a response for being caught out treating the dog like that. Much like the over the top reaction in relation to my dog last year when I said "Just watch her leg" a few days after her leg got hurt somehow.

He reminded me that it was last May that I first saw him, so this has all been going on a long time.

PS: He was also happy about all the car maintenance stuff and agreed that it's really good for me.

That's awesome. Glad you could speak with him.