A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - The workplace I spent the longest time at, nearly 20 years, the crew chief was exactly like this to a 'T'. Then we ended up with a new manager above him and he was as bad or even worse. I, and a bunch of others, got layed off and it was almost a relief to go.

Yes I understand that psychopaths are over-represented amongst upper management in companies. Their ability to step on those around and under them on the way to the top while feeling no remorse (because they can't) and their love for controlling other people makes it easier and more appealing for them.

[Long Lurker 34]

NAC - The workplace I spent the longest time at, nearly 20 years, the crew chief was exactly like this to a 'T'. Then we ended up with a new manager above him and he was as bad or even worse. I, and a bunch of others, got layed off and it was almost a relief to go.

Yes I understand that psychopaths are over-represented amongst upper management in companies. Their ability to step on those around and under them on the way to the top while feeling no remorse (because they can't) and their love for controlling other people makes it easier and more appealing for them.

NAC - As I have said to any former co-workers I have met, that if i find one these guys has died, I'll find his grave and piss on it.

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - The workplace I spent the longest time at, nearly 20 years, the crew chief was exactly like this to a 'T'. Then we ended up with a new manager above him and he was as bad or even worse. I, and a bunch of others, got layed off and it was almost a relief to go.

Yes I understand that psychopaths are over-represented amongst upper management in companies. Their ability to step on those around and under them on the way to the top while feeling no remorse (because they can't) and their love for controlling other people makes it easier and more appealing for them.

NAC - As I have said to any former co-workers I have met, that if i find one these guys has died, I'll find his grave and piss on it.

I probably need to channel some of that energy, I still can't figure out why I'm not feeling that level of hatred after everything that's happened. Maybe a coping mechanism?

[newaussiecuck]

The next round is on again, knew the quiet period wouldn't last.

"wife" seemed ok when I got home from work a bit later than usual (busy work week and heavy traffic). Dinner was still cooking and we agreed we'll eat later when I get back from the park. I spent a little longer than usual but not TOO crazy, Left home 6:50pm and returned 8:15pm (so about an hour in the park including travel time and getting in/out of the car etc). When I got home she had already started eating and I could already see in quite a mood. The rest of the night and morning was very frosty and she ended up getting up early while I was still getting ready and took the dog for a walk, so that I left an empty house and no chance to say goodbye etc. I think she was hoping I'd be freaked out and stay home from work or somthing but I didn't, I left as planned. We're also in the middle of a big event so I couldn't stay home without repercussions. I don't think it's a stretch to say it's too big of a coincidence to be pulling this shit right now when she knows it's an important work time. I think she would be happy if I somehow got fired.

I could sense it was coming. In the morning that day or night before, I mentioned that I didn't need to take lunch yesterday as they were providing pizzas at work for lunch. Her response waa "Oh lucky you", dripping with sarcasm. It's a classic narcisist trait to be so distainful when something good happens to you. I've learned to mostly keep good news to myself as much as possible, along with bad news.

[newaussiecuck]

Thinking more, the timing is pefect to pull this crap right now. Busy work period for me leading into a long weekend with 3 days of having me home and away from work with no escape.

[Small]

How is it going down under? Have you pulled the plug?

[Cory87]

You are married to someone who is mentally unstable and you have spent 2 years of this dead end marriage on here spinning in circles. You are not a Virtual Cuckold like the thread title claims. You are halfway down a Rabbit Hole that leads absolutely no where. Grow a pair. Was the girl in the park from the Philippines? Wake up, move on and book a flight.

[thesvs_09]

What did I just read ? This was a pure horror story. I am still shaking. Not for the faint of heart.
1. First of all, 'virtual cuckold' title is pretty misleading. Others have mentioned this so I will not further elaborate.
2. Please please just be decisive. You cannot live like this. The whole concept of 'divorce' was created for such a relationship. It is just not healthy. Listen to your psychologists. I hope that you pulled the plug. And hope that you are in much better shape now!
3. Please do not try to do a doctorate level thesis on narcissists by reading too many books. You will only get more confused. You have to solve the problem. Not postpone it, not analyze it to death. You read a book, then you analyze a 20 year before comment, trying to build a narrative/meaning around it. This is madness. You will get mentally blasted. Please stop this and get proper counselling. One cannot become a subject expert just by reading few books. Yes, they help. But do not try to become a psychologist yourself.
4. Threatening suicide is a domestic violence. Your lawyer is right. Involve the authorities. Both police and medical professionals. She may be genuinely depressed, unable to communicate (and may be confused or even scared regarding her sexual orientation) and prone to suicide. Please get her some real help. You are trying to become a doctor yourself here too - analyzing whether she is a sadist, or in depression, or just a mean manipulator etc. Please get her some proper medical help. Talk to her mom. Be persuasive. It is her life on the line too. Sorry to be harsh, but it seems you are just circle-jerking around for 2 years (or may be 4 years). Her situation looks serious. 16 hours a day online is psychotic in itself. Then, her tantrums, mood swings, orientation problems, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, anti-social behavior etc. I just don't know what exactly you did in past 2 years to actually solve any of the problems. Hell, you did not even confront her once. I don't know what is your end game ? Or you are just too depressed too ?
Again sorry for my upright tone and scolding, if it feels like that. But man, please be decisive for once. Help her and help yourself.

[newaussiecuck]

What did I just read ? This was a pure horror story. I am still shaking. Not for the faint of heart.
1. First of all, 'virtual cuckold' title is pretty misleading. Others have mentioned this so I will not further elaborate.
2. Please please just be decisive. You cannot live like this. The whole concept of 'divorce' was created for such a relationship. It is just not healthy. Listen to your psychologists. I hope that you pulled the plug. And hope that you are in much better shape now!
3. Please do not try to do a doctorate level thesis on narcissists by reading too many books. You will only get more confused. You have to solve the problem. Not postpone it, not analyze it to death. You read a book, then you analyze a 20 year before comment, trying to build a narrative/meaning around it. This is madness. You will get mentally blasted. Please stop this and get proper counselling. One cannot become a subject expert just by reading few books. Yes, they help. But do not try to become a psychologist yourself.
4. Threatening suicide is a domestic violence. Your lawyer is right. Involve the authorities. Both police and medical professionals. She may be genuinely depressed, unable to communicate (and may be confused or even scared regarding her sexual orientation) and prone to suicide. Please get her some real help. You are trying to become a doctor yourself here too - analyzing whether she is a sadist, or in depression, or just a mean manipulator etc. Please get her some proper medical help. Talk to her mom. Be persuasive. It is her life on the line too. Sorry to be harsh, but it seems you are just circle-jerking around for 2 years (or may be 4 years). Her situation looks serious. 16 hours a day online is psychotic in itself. Then, her tantrums, mood swings, orientation problems, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, anti-social behavior etc. I just don't know what exactly you did in past 2 years to actually solve any of the problems. Hell, you did not even confront her once. I don't know what is your end game ? Or you are just too depressed too ?
Again sorry for my upright tone and scolding, if it feels like that. But man, please be decisive for once. Help her and help yourself.

Thank you for your insightful comments and also for everyone who has commented on my thread, both in this last year since I wrote and since I began. I can't believe it's 3 years since I started this thread!!!!

I'm sorry I have not been able to comment until now. I think I needed time to soul-search and make my way through some very very difficult and troubling times. I think it's fair to say that for much of the time things got very worse, not better. There were further instances of veiled suicide threats. A couple of incident of suspected self-harm, but again there's plausible deniability. I can't prove she deliberately hurt herself. During this I have implemented pretty much all of the suggestions you have all made to me. I have received counselling for myself, around 25 sessions over nearly 2 years with a psychologist who knows a lot about narcissists.

I spoke to her mum (after unfortunately breaking down and crying on her shoulder after a particularly troubling event) and while she apologised to me for everything I've been put through, she has been unable to help. She did her very best to help me but sadly was unable to do so. I didn't ask her to or know she was planning to, but she went to our house to speak to her while I was away at work. She tried her best but she got kicked out of the house and went away very distressed and sobbing. She told me that she is very sorry but is unable to help me.

I tried 8 times to get her to counselling. She refused and I can't force her. I checked and I can't. She has been smart enough to use veiled threats since the 2 times she very clearly threatened, not overt ones that could be used for me to call for help. Only after getting us into separate bedrooms did she agree to go to counselling. The move to separate bedrooms was the start of a 5 day ordeal. Every possible thing was thrown at me to get me to cave. Further veiled suicide threats amongst them. I found strength I didn't know I had and stood strong.

During couples counselling she was admonished by the counsellor to not become abusive. So she abused me on the way home immediately after the first session: "If you don't remember things in the right way then this is all pointless" and then went on immediately to detail to me how after an event 6 months prior she rode her bike "as hard and fast as she could" towards a bridge to throw herself off. I took the timing of these two comments as a threat "If you disagree with me, then bad things will happen".

During the couples counselling I did find the strength to confront her about her online affair. She reacted in the way I thought. She lied, minimised "It was only joking around" and put the blame onto me. I had enough and ended the relationship during the 4th session beginning of December 2024. We're currently living separated under the same roof. Our wedding rings have been in my drawer for the last 10 weeks. We have been through an initial session of mediation to work out how to separate finances etc.

However, there is yet still more to play out. Since the announcement of separation, she has been to see a doctor but told him she had been feeling depressed but is fine now. He ran some basic blood tests and found nothing. He suggested some medications she could take but she declined. She went to see her own psychologist for a handful of sessions. It seems they talked a lot about how she could get back together with me, not how to move on after the end of the relationship which was the intention. She claims that she is all better now, no longer depressed and claims it's safe for me to re-enter a relationship with her. I'm not buying it.

She is still employing many strategies and techniques and I feel she is gaining more and more ground in dragging me back into a relationship. During the mediation session she requested that we go back to couples counselling. I phoned the counsellor we saw and the counsellor told me that she sees very little value in trying that again. I spoke to another couples counsellor and after briefly highlighting what's happened, he suggested that I could try taking her to a doctor for referral to psychiatrist for assessment and treatment. I gently raised that with her but she refused and got very hostile "What the bloody hell did you tell him?????" and claimed that I am the one who needs to see a psychiatrist since I can't move past what happened. Obviously I can't move past what happened since she still hasn't taken any responsibility or owned up to what happened, or asked for forgiveness. Actively blocked my attempts to get her/us some help and used all manner of threats and intimidation tactics to hide and obfuscate what actually happened. She has insisted that she wants to speak to him and has a session booked with him next week, with potentially a joint session following that.

For her part, the really crazy antics have stopped completely (for now) which shows me that it was all deliberate strategy that stopped only after realising it was failing. I am trying to remind myself that the current version of her that I'm seeing (calm, sane, nice and in every way the woman I was married to for 20 years) is also not real and only appeared once the relationship was ended. It's tempting to go back since things are so nice and calm right now, it would be so easy and things would be great again . . . . until they become not so great again. I have to remind myself of everything that I've been through and endured and how hard I had to fight to get the separation that we now have.

Has her online relationship ended? I can't say. By all appearances it has, but that is what I am supposed to think. It's more than likely continuing but in a much more discreet form. Now that we're separated she has the freedom to continue such a relationship and I have less chance to see it. She certainly exhibited some strange behaviours in regards to her phone in the months prior to our separation. I would walk into the living room and her phone would be turned in landscape mode but as soon as she noticed me enter the room her phone would very quickly be turned back around into portrait mode. I have no idea what that is about but it was very suspicious. It happened many many times, at least a dozen. Why is the orientation of her phone an important secret?

Although she only agreed to go to couples counselling after we moved into separate bedrooms, during a conversation a few weeks ago she now insists that wasn't the case. She insists that we moved to separate bedrooms only after the 2nd or 3rd couples counselling session. This is not the case, it was 100% prior to the first session. It came up as I had commented that it took ending the relationship before she would agree to get counselling, this was when she came up with her different version of events to refute my claim.