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by Breaker445 » Tue Apr 16, 2019 8:50 am
I figure I will post as there has been some conversation again about the topic and the possibility of it starting again. With that comes excitement from me, but at the same time hesitation, which I will hopefully explain why in this post. This has been about a week long conversation, so I am sure I will miss tidbits from our talks and I am going to guess this post may end up being long and could lead to going all over the place, there is a lot to digest and think about.
First, to go back just a bit, after this abruptly ended we both immediately got very busy and life sort of just went into high gear, so it was difficult to process this lifestyle and the abrupt end all awhile trying to keep up with the busy time that surrounded us. So add in the exhaustive strain and stress of being busy and the sudden stopping of the hottest and most exciting sexual adventure, my libido dropped like a rock. I wasn't in the mood, the thought of this lifestyle didn't even get me excited anymore, I felt betrayed by the lifestyle, like it was there for so many years, it was very exciting, it provided a great boost of energy when I thought about it, and then suddenly it was gone. Even though it had happened, it felt like it had happened a long time ago and I didn't feel like I had a connection to it anymore.
As I waited patiently for her to bring the topic back up, I had the conversation with myself almost daily, how and what I would say to express myself if and when she brought it up. All awhile everything else between us seemed to get stronger, but as things got stronger the feeling of this fantasy and lifestyle seemed to grow more distant. I got to the point where I thought she may not bring this back up.
Then little by little the direction of our conversations slowly started moving toward this lifestyle again. It started awhile ago back when my libido was gone and she brought up in frustration how I suddenly am not horny anymore, that's when I told her I needed to feel submissive to her, that was my biggest turn on was to just know I was her sub. I was expecting a little backlash, maybe some annoyance from her, but to my surprise she happily agreed that she enjoys that and wants that as well. It lead to a conversation, not about cuckolding, but about the femdom aspect of our relationship. Letting her know how sub servant I want to be to her and what not, this lead to way more oral in the bedroom which I loved, our talks and my expression lead to her being more demanding of it and also not caring if it was just after the gym without a shower. It also lead to her really enjoying it, even telling me it's as good, if not better than sex with me.
This went on for a couple weeks, just re-establishing the femdom foundation of our relationship. Our communication was much more open, but the great part and noticeable difference than the past was she really was enjoying this. The whole femdom aspect was she was doing what she was doing for herself and because she liked it and wanted it. We felt way more connected and I felt way more comfortable in expressing myself. Also her enjoyment and preference for this femdom control lead to hope that there could be more on the horizon.
Almost naturally our conversations and hang out time seemed to bring up this lifestyle again. There we were, just lounging on the couch, when we were stuck watching some reality tv dating show about dating exes. Really it was sort of background noise as we both navigated our phones. But at one point there was a conversation on the show about a women talking about kissing her ex in the other room that was just outside where the group was hanging out. Like a magnet we both seemed to tune into the show at this moment. Then my wife made the comment, "Oh yeah." She said very casually then added, "That's what I would do, why not? It be easy" Lights went off in my head, like my inner voice was screaming to me this was the door I had been waiting for! I shook the cobwebs off and asked, "huh?" and looked at her, she again very casually and nonchalant told me she'd go in the next room and kiss a guy and that it would be easy to do. She had to have seen the excitement glow from me hearing this. So I teased her and almost like challenging her asked, "Oh really?" She gave a short chuckle and said it would be so easy and that she would've done the same thing. I again challenged her and said, "Yeah right." And wow did she accept the challenge. Without a skip or pause she brought up her black skirt she bought a couple months ago ago now (or maybe sooner, just feels like a long time ago). The one I went shopping with her for that she bought for a potential upcoming date with Dylan. When I responded that I knew what skirt she was talking about she gave me this smirk like "Are you ready for this?" She went on to tell me she was planning on going to a get together with friends and he was supposed to be there and she was going to wear the skirt. She asked me, "Why do you think I was going to wear the skirt?" Well I was stunned frozen. She gave me a short laugh as she saw my reaction to the bombshell she had just dropped. As I was frozen and couldn't talk she told me the answer that I knew. "I was planning on sneaking off to the bathroom or other room with him, it would have been easy." She said with great confidence. My heart was pounding, and I was still frozen hearing what she was telling me. I remembered the get together she went to, and she wore the skirt, it was with the mutual girlfriend so right then and there I knew the Dylan I thought it was, it was. I mustered out the question if she followed through with her plan and she said a bit disappointingly yet with a fondness smile that she didn't because he didn't end up going to the get together. It was around the time though that the abrupt end happened.
That conversation lead to her getting in the mood as she deeply rubbed her feet into my thigh and told me, "Let's go to our room." The bedroom time was vanilla, although I would have loved to build off the cuck talk in the bedroom, but I knew if I brought it up I wouldn't have lasted. That's the issue with dirty talk, if I know I have to perform, although I badly want to talk about cuckolding in the bedroom, my stamina is gone, even though I know she'd like it and build off it more. That night there was no doubt she'd build off it more. But my hope is now she is really into the oral part, almost preferring it, that I can talk dirty more and not have to worry about stamina. Afterward we both ended up falling asleep with her praising how good it was.
The next day I was excitedly anticipating a build off from the night before. From what she told me was very hot and exciting and seeing it all get her in the mood was also exciting, but to my disappointment she didn't bring anything up that next day, which lead me to wonder was she waiting for me to bring it up? So the next day I did. I told her how exciting that conversation was and asked what I could do or how we could incorporate more of that and starting the lifestyle again. This lead to hours of talking, which this may be mumbled and jumbled because it was a lot of talking that I cant really remember it all in perfect order. She again brought up the uncomfortableness of telling me specifics and said last time would have worked better, but she felt she needed to provide me with specifics and that I wouldn't be satisfied if I didn't get those specifics. This lead to me telling her I didn't need specifics, I was ok with not having the down and dirty details, but at least needed to know when and if she was doing anything. I let her know the reason I may have pestered for details or kept asking questions was because I felt if I didn't ask then I would be left in the dark wondering and not knowing anything. I told her a simple, "I'm going to his place" would be enough and sending me a fleur-de-lis emoji would let me know something happened. She said she could work on that and that would be fine with her.
When I was talking and letting her know what I wanted, or actually, what I needed out of it, she brought up that we needed to compromise if we were going to do this again. Because she said she preferred the secretiveness of it. She gave a reason for the secretiveness because she said the previous times she felt like she needed to provide me with details and sometimes couldn't enjoy her time because she was uncomfortable with providing those details that she thought I was expecting. It made sense to me, but I brought up to her again that she needed to let me know somehow and someway otherwise if she's that secretive I would never know and what do I get out of this? She agreed and brought up the bad feeling she got that one night she told me about the "hair appointment". Although I will say it clicked in my head from listening to her point of view made me realize she does enjoy this herself, but she enjoys it in a different way than me. So we continued to talk. She said she preferred if she was telling me she was meeting someone somewhere that it wouldn't result in an immediate sexual response. Basically saying if she told me she was meeting someone somewhere that I wouldn't immediately turn into a horn dog and immediately start expecting some major sexual experience surrounded around me. Actually, this sounded great to me, because I would love it if she nonchalantly just told me she was meeting someone. I let her know I'd like that too and told her making the times more normal and nonchalant would be preferred. I told her I didn't need to make every moment into a big deal, in fact that wasn't preferred by me, but I told her I did make it into big deals because for one I wanted to show her how much I enjoyed it and also I felt I wasn't in the know enough that I wanted to like rush into everything and get the basic understanding of things so that we could move forward with this lifestyle being more normal and not such a big deal to bring up. Curiously I asked what she got out of it with the secretiveness, because she felt bad about that night she used the hair appointment as a cover, yet I felt the secretiveness was more like cheating. She said what she liked about the secretiveness was the letting go, having a good time and not having the pressure to feel like she had to tell me every single detail and that if she told me about meeting him it instantly turned the entire day or days leading up to it into a big deal, which in turn was more of a sexual focus on me. I reiterated I didn't need the details, but needed to at least know when and assured her I wouldn't make it into a big deal and that was actually what I preferred, it would be rather hot to know my wife nonchalantly told me after work she was stopping by his place, etc. She replied that would make it a lot easier for her. This may sound the sirens to some, but for me I appreciated her point of view and actually found excitement in it because it was her telling me what she enjoyed out of it.
It was a long talk, that really isn't done. There is more conversation that needs to be had before we decide to try this again. But regardless, I feel our communication between each other is far better this time than before the first time, and I feel more connected to her from these talks which I told her and she agreed. But even with our conversation I would say it's about 50/50 right now that this happens again because I am not going to sign off on being left in the dark. If she can't at least tell me when than we can't go forward with this, which the first go around I probably would have eagerly agreed to. I guess that is the difference right now compared to before we actually did it. The first time around I was thinking with my other head and this time I feel I am thinking more with the right head. The first time I was so eager to get to the finish line I didn't care, but this time it's less about the horny aspect and more about the connection between us. Which that focus point needs to be discussed more about. Since that long talk a couple days ago she has subtly dropped a couple of hints and teases about the lifestyle, like there being plenty of options at the gym. We've also agreed we need to have another sit down conversation and talk about what our expectations are of each other if we decide to move forward and give it another try. I'm hoping that conversation can take place sooner rather than later. Again, after more talks we may not give this a try again, or it may be something we put on hold and revisit later, but at the very least, it's rather exciting to know she has enjoyment in this, although it may be different than me, we just need to figure out how to make it work for both of us. But it's also exciting she does enjoy the femdom aspect of our relationship.
Very long post, I have no idea if it makes sense, but felt like I needed to post an update.
