Reflections from a cuck

[tosaintsfan]

I have been a member of this board since late 2015 and contributed some over the years, but I’ve never delved into my history from childhood until today. Many psychologists believe that your sexual identity starts from a young age and many of the events which take place later in life stem from childhood or pre puberty days. I am not sure I agree with this, but there are things that have happened to me as a younger person that seem to have shaped what I have become.
I thought I would start with an overview and expand on some of this in more detail if there is sufficient interest. How I became a cuck, short version.

I experimented with a few guys as a teen many years ago. Started with comparing cocks and pubic hair as we entered puberty. Then a friend showed me how to jerk off, then circle jerks with a few other guys. My best friend at the time was hesitant to partake perhaps because he was uncircumcised or just shy. The school I attended seemed to have a lot of guys that talked about blow jobs and those comments did not seem to indicate this activity had anything to do with girls. Eventually we talked about blow jobs and one night we agreed to suck each other for a short time, but not to cum. We both took our turns got dressed and went home and masturbated alone. This was never repeated.

As I got to be about 16 or so, I did exchange blowjobs with a friend maybe half a dozen times over the next few years. I also just remembered in the last couple of years (I guess I repressed this in my mind) I also fucked him once. It was supposed to be I would fuck him and he me. I wasn't particularly interested in this but agreed. After I fucked him, he lost his desire so I never got fucked. At the time I never thought of myself as bi (not even sure in the early seventies that was ever mentioned), I thought it was experimental. But it was taboo at the time and I knew it could never be discussed with anyone as at that time everyone would label you as a queer or homo.

After these years I never had a significant male experience until Marla and I started a cuckold lifestyle when I was in my mid 60's. The memories of my teen years were always there, but I never pursued further adventures. But I always would check out cocks anytime I was in a public shower.

I had initially told Marla of my experiences when we first got together when she had told me she was bi. She said she had seen guys together once and it turned her off and she would lose respect if she was to witness me blowing a guy. Then within a few months she expressed a desire to fuck other guys and me watching and fluffing guys was a big part of our bedroom talks. Soon I was caged watching her suck a guy off in exchange for computer help. That started our cuckolding. Within a year I was not only watching but participating by fluffing guys who would allow it.

I still fluff a guy if told, occasionally wear a cage and panties, and get off to her stories about me blowing guys. I used to use a butt plug when she blew me, and would like to be fucked, but that is not going to happen now as I have bad hemorrhoids and not sure that would be smart .

So that was a short (?) intro to where I am now. As I said, if there is any interest in more detail I would be happy to expand on this. Those who have never seen activity from me, I have a thread in the hotties about Marla linked below.

TO

[coastalkid]

So at first she said she would lose respect for you if she saw you sucking a cock and this was in your mid 60's. How did it go from that to her changing her mind and being caged in a few months time? Did you ever have thoughts in the back of your mind that she actually did lose respect for you? I imagine that that is not as easy to dismiss from your mind as you might think. I personally would think it would be a lot easier to dismiss if your wife reassured you that she thought it was cool that you were just exploring your sexuality.

Do you still have sex with your wife? So often these things turn in to some restricted access or (worse in my mind at least) being pussy free. I acknowledge that people get their kinks in all kinds of ways and flavors and denial is a frequently mentioned one. This would kill me. I still want to fuck. I know I'm not the biggest or best by a long shot (I'm in my mid sixties too). I know I'd get resentful after too long and I'd go find some side pussy.

How often are you caged? I know I'd want to do ALL the things you've done or want to do if I felt safe taking the risk. If encouraging your wife to explore her sexuality is ok, then shouldn't the same apply for the husband? That fear of being judged is scary. If both the wife and the husband are on the same page and goal is purely for fun or recreation then it would be much easier to let your guard down and do things you fantasize about. I often think about being "told" to do things and being in embarrassing situations. What percentage of your wife's lover have been open to you sucking them?

I would feel better if it could be kept in the bedroom (or rather personal). If it extended beyond the personal sex life into "regular" public life or crept into the everyday interaction between me and my wife I wouldn't be as interested or she'd have to do an amazing job of making me want it/to.

[tosaintsfan]

So at first she said she would lose respect for you if she saw you sucking a cock and this was in your mid 60's. How did it go from that to her changing her mind and being caged in a few months time? Did you ever have thoughts in the back of your mind that she actually did lose respect for you? I imagine that that is not as easy to dismiss from your mind as you might think. I personally would think it would be a lot easier to dismiss if your wife reassured you that she thought it was cool that you were just exploring your sexuality.

Do you still have sex with your wife? So often these things turn in to some restricted access or (worse in my mind at least) being pussy free. I acknowledge that people get their kinks in all kinds of ways and flavors and denial is a frequently mentioned one. This would kill me. I still want to fuck. I know I'm not the biggest or best by a long shot (I'm in my mid sixties too). I know I'd get resentful after too long and I'd go find some side pussy.

How often are you caged? I know I'd want to do ALL the things you've done or want to do if I felt safe taking the risk. If encouraging your wife to explore her sexuality is ok, then shouldn't the same apply for the husband? That fear of being judged is scary. If both the wife and the husband are on the same page and goal is purely for fun or recreation then it would be much easier to let your guard down and do things you fantasize about. I often think about being "told" to do things and being in embarrassing situations. What percentage of your wife's lover have been open to you sucking them?

I would feel better if it could be kept in the bedroom (or rather personal). If it extended beyond the personal sex life into "regular" public life or crept into the everyday interaction between me and my wife I wouldn't be as interested or she'd have to do an amazing job of making me want it/to.

Thanks for your interest. Perhaps more detail about Marla and I is needed.

I met Marla after being separated from my first wife for over 15 years. During that period, I had no relationships at all, in fact I had very little interest in getting involved in any relationship, but as approached retirement I started to change my mind. I wanted something in my life. My former wife was very vanilla and the last 10 years of our life together was almost void of sex. My sex life at that time and in the 15 years of separation was masturbation. My fantasies were almost always about sluts, loose women or women cheating. That type of woman most men would not want; that I had never experienced; is just the type I deeply desired.

Marla was that woman. She described herself as a good girl who did naughty things. She was very experienced and had even worked as an escort in her past. She now embraces being a slut, and recognizes she has been one for a long time. We met and within months we were deeply involved. So when cuckolding came into play, she studied this site and others and found out about the behavior of cucks including cock cages, humiliation, sissifacation, and humiliation. Now some of this stuff I had no interest in initially, but the further down the rabbit hole you go, you evolve.

So even though she initially said she would lose respect for me if she saw me sucking a guy, she changed and adapted. It took me a long time to believe her, but eventually I did. As you stated she came to realize I had cuckold tendencies and she wanted to explore that lifestyle together.
We have never done denial although I am pussy free for the most part. I have ED, and the medication has side effects that I can’t deal with. So I can get hard with some effort, I cannot sustain it long enough to penetrate. We still have blow jobs, hand jobs, etc.

We experimented with cock cages at the beginning of this, but seldom am I caged in the last 5 or so years. Occasionally she will demand this if she has a date, or is feeling devious, but generally for a couple of hours only. She did know about cock cages in previous relationships, so it was her that introduced me to that.

Finding guys, especially near our age that will allow me to suck them is difficult. In out time together (since late 2015) she has had about 40 guys from early 20’s to late 60’s. I think I have sucked maybe 8 of them, never to completion. Of those guys I have sucked most were under 35 years old.

I keep our private life private. I believe one of the reasons this site likely is 90% men who contribute is that we can’t or won’t discuss this with friends. Not easy to tell a friend your wife is getting fucked by another guy. But many of Marla’s friends know she sees other men with my permission. I don’t know how they take it and if they know that I am a cuck, or even if they know what a cuck is. I don’t think they treat me any different because of this.

Not sure I answered all your questions but I tried. If you want me to elaborate on something, let me know. I had planned on getting more into my earlier life on how I evolved into this, but I don’t think there is sufficient interest, so we will see.

TO

[trecital]

I had planned on getting more into my earlier life on how I evolved into this, but I don’t think there is sufficient interest, so we will see.

It might not always look like you have much interest, if you judge it in terms of replies made. But I can guarantee that there will have been plenty reading, who never comment.
Plus, your first post, above, was only yesterday. Many people won't have had chance to read it yet.
Keep contributing and people will eventually respond.

[Cdncuck]

I found your post fascinating. You said something of particular interest to me when you said,

"Many psychologists believe that your sexual identity starts from a young age and many of the events which take place later in life stem from childhood or pre puberty days. I am not sure I agree with this, but there are things that have happened to me as a younger person that seem to have shaped what I have become."

From very early in my teens there have been feeling that I would now identify as cuckold. Somewhere around 11 slutty girls became attractive to me.

The term slutty could be interchangeable with bitchy or pushy. At that age there weren't any real slutty girls. There were girls at school who were experimenting with makeup. The ones that used to much were the most attractive.

Those feelings were frightening. Now it's plain there was something submissive in me when around a certain type of girl. With zero sexual experience, what it was about them that was so attractive was baffling. There was also some guilt attached to it. What the feelings were was a mystery but there was a strong sense it wasn't something that should be discussed with anyone.

Like all cuckolds, I've agonized about these feelings. My childhood was normal enough. Nothing happened to me that could be considered traumatic. Most articles about cuckolds and submissiveness tend to imply some of these feelings are rooted in trauma but there's nothing in my history like that.

So I certainly agree these feelings or leanings develop early in life. I was barely into puberty when these desires awakened. What it was that set them off in me remains a mystery.

As to your experiences, I for one would like to read more about your journey.

[hornedhubby]

I'm certainly interested in hearing your story in as much detail as you wish to share, tosaintsfan. You know I'm a big fan of Marla. I've posted on your Hotties thread many times.

Your adventures with Marla leave me jealous in some ways. But my wife and I have had a terrific and long relationship, so I've never suffered the hardships of breaking up and being alone, as you have. But I'm a wannabe cuck. You can't win them all. Whatever. At the moment, we both have the friend/wife/lover we desire and we should celebrate and cherish that.

Especially, we have a shared fascination with childhood experiences as a shaper of our sexual kinks and inclinations. I recently posted a witch Halloween fantasy in the Library Forum that came from having a recurring dream as a boy about being captured by a witch. I also had the experience of my mom and aunt (both wonderful, smart women) regularly dressing me as a girl when I was 3 to 5 years of age, leaving a residual effect. Forced crossdressing desires, etc. And slutty girls with promiscuous pussies. I put it all into my witch character. Check out my story if you get a chance. It might resonate with you and others with cuck tendencies.

One of the aspects of your Hotties thread that makes it uniquely hot are Marla's posts. She has a sophisticated, teasing writing voice of the perfect cucktress. Female comments about cucks, cocks and creampies can be unforgettable. Most women don't comprehend how erotic their words and voices can be.

I think Marla would also be the perfect cucksitter, teasing a friend's hubby while the friend enjoyed a nice big one behind closed doors. She can really talk the talk.

Best wishes and thanks for sharing.

[tosaintsfan]

As I mentioned in my opening of this thread many believe that childhood and puberty play a significant role in our adult sex life. So, I will now give you some of my early life and let you judge on whether that lead me to be a cuckold.

I was born in the early 50’s into a family of lower middle class standing. I was born with a lifelong, but not overly severe disability. This created some limited flexibility and strength issues on my right hand side of my body. Although I had minor speech impediments and difficulty walking, these issues improved by the age of 6 or 7, and I walked, ran etc. with a bit of limp. As I am sure many are aware, anything difference a child has, other children will latch onto, and make fun of that difference. Today we call it bullying, back then it was kids being kids.

Other than that, I don’t remember any other trauma in my early life. I was however not great looking and suffered from low self-esteem. I lead a relatively normal childhood. Despite being slightly handicapped, I loved sports, both watching and playing. Girls were not something I ever thought of, so as I entered my teenage years I didn’t even think of dating girls.

In my area we had three levels of school, grammar schools to grade 6, junior high 7-9, and high school grades 10-13. In junior high we had to take showers after gym. I was in a class with many guys who had repeated a grade, therefore they were a year or more older than I. The difference between a 12-year-old and a 13/14-year-old in a public shower was significant. I had not hit puberty yet, and these guys had. Even after I reached puberty, I was a grower when aroused, but pretty small when I was not erect. Another blow to my self-esteem.

This was around the time I began experimenting with the neighborhood guys. I was the follower. Jimmy was sort of the leader; the guy who would say, let’s compare dicks. He was the guy who pulled down his pants and showed me how to masturbate. I soon discovered it was great, but I didn’t cum until 6 months or so later. I don’t know about other neighborhoods, but this was not just one or two guys, just about every guy in my immediate area, partook in some sort of activity like circle jerks, comparing size and pubic hair growth. So I didn’t think this was strange behavior, although, it was never discussed outside our group. But this wasn’t like the showers at school, as we always hard during this activity, and most guys were all the same size it seemed to me.

My best friend Brian, was the only guy who did not take part. This group activity was not touching, just looking and watching. But with Brian it became more. We talked about the guys in school and how they seemed to always be talking about blow jobs, but never mentioned girls. So one night we decided we would try it on each other, for a short time, but no cum. This was the first time I saw his cock, and it was longer, and much thicker than mine, but he was also not circumcised, a rarity in my limited experience. I should mention that the immediate area around my home was mostly WASP, my junior and high school had a large Jewish population. Although this was a one off with Brian as far as oral sex, we did on a few other occasions be naked and erect around each other and once gave each other a hand job, but again, not to completion. But again, I had a complex about size.

That type of MM behavior ended shortly after 14. I noticed girls, and masturbated to images of nude girls/women. Occasionally I would get a Playboy magazine and jack off, but even then you needed imagination since pubic hair or genitals were not shown then. But I was 16 or 17 before I ever dated, held hands or kissed a girl.

This is getting long, and perhaps boring, so I will end it here, and talk about my dating life in the next chapter.
TO

[tosaintsfan]

So around the age of 15, when I entered high school, I made a new set of friends. Gone were the exploratory entering puberty days, we were now ready for girls.

I was still pre-occupied with my perceived short comings in the looks department, and on top of that had acne, which was not severe, but definitely noticeable. So my new friends all had girlfriends and I would get all their updates on how far they were getting sexually from the girls.

About half way through grade 10, a new kid came into our class. I say kid, but Ray was 19 or 20, was from a different part of the country and was trying to get his high school diploma to get into nursing school. To have a male wanting to be nurse in the early 70’s was considered odd. But he worked as a helper in a local hospital and therefore new young girls who were going to nursing school nearby, and some of these girls became part of our group.

One of these girls, Sandy, became my first awkward attempt of trying to have a girlfriend. She was at a party with us that much alcohol and grass was being consumed. When I got high, my disability was far more pronounced, and Sandy asked me why I was limping and holding my arm in a weird way. I told her that I had the handicap, and she did not believe me and told me not to make fun of handicap people. I was embarrassed and tried to ignore her the rest of the night. She asked my younger brother about my limp, and he confirmed my explanation was in fact true.

So Sandy grabbed me, lead me into a bedroom and apologized and kissed me, telling me how sorry she was and what can I do to make things better. Being inexperienced, and awkward I just brushed her off and told her everything was forgiven, but I just wanted to be left alone. She left her phone number and address on a piece of paper and asked me to call her and go out sometime. I did not call her, and a couple of weeks later she got my phone number from Ray, and called me. We went out a few times but I never tried to be sexual. She lived in her own room in a rooming house. We would go out, come back to her place she would lock the door and snuggle up to me, but I was too naïve to understand she was waiting for me to make a move. Eventually the relationship fizzled out.

I worked part-time in a grocery store and that lead to my next stage. I fell mightily in lust with Sally who basically ignore me. Finally, after a few attempts at dating her I got my first dreaded “I just want to be friend’s response”. That was the first, but certainly not the last time.

One of Sally friend was Mary. Mary was the first girl who realized that in order to get me, the girl would have to make the first move. Although I don’t think I relied it at the time, Mary was a slut. I was 17 or 18 at the time and Mary was a very experienced 15 year-old. Mary and I had a world wind 5-month love affair. She was the first girl I felt tits, fingered her pussy and saw totally nude. She was the first girl to suck my cock (not to completion), and fuck. I got so obsessed with her, I dropped out of school because I couldn’t concentrate on my studies and failed almost ever mid-term exam. And then she dropped me. She continued the behavior she had perfected before me. She would pick out an inexperienced guy, seduce him, perhaps fuck him, then leave him. She loved the attention. She had done that 5 or 6 times before me, and was on her third one after me when I lost contact with her.

After Mary dropped me, I was devastated. I didn’t try to date for a few months after that. Then I had a few dates with random girls, all which ended with “just want to be friends”. I was working full time, had a few bucks, but just could not seem to find a girl. I had one one-night stand but that was basically it. At the end of that summer, I went back to school, and swore off dating until I graduated.

That was the plan, however things change. Next time, meeting my first wife.

TO