Some not-so-sexual reflections and internal conflict about cuckolding
Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2025 6:59 am
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reading this forum for years now, but this is my first time posting. I recently ended an eight-year relationship, and now that I’m single again, I’m taking time to reflect on my past, my desires, and how I want to move forward. I’m hoping to hear from others who’ve had similar experiences and can offer some advice or perspective.
A Little About Me and My Past Relationships
I’m around 40 years old, a successful professional, and in good shape. I wouldn’t call myself model-hot, but I’d say I’m attractive enough that women generally find me appealing. I’m confident in my physical appearance, and I never had any issues with my size (I’m normal, and some say a bit bigger than average).
Now, in terms of relationships, my first serious one was with a girl I’ll call Girlfriend #1 that i dated when i was 18. She was nurturing and sweet, almost motherly, and had a very high sex drive. But for me, as the relationship went on, I started realizing that my sexual desire was fleeting (this became a common pattern in the future). Initially, I was excited, especially on first dates, but once the relationship settled in, I didn’t have the same level of drive for sex anymore. I found that I enjoyed intimacy more through dirty talk during masturbation rather than actual intercourse. I'd say I acted selfishly. I was a very jealous partner at first, but at the same time, I started being drawn to the world of cuckolding that was taking over the internet, and we began talking about it. she was very open to do it. to this day, she's the person i talked to the most about my fantasies. it helped a lot to overcome jealousy. It was more intellectual and fantasy-based, and we never acted on it besides her sunbathing topless on holidays in front of random people. I also did realize I enjoyed the humiliation, and comparison aspect. I also realized there was a part of me that fantasized about having a smaller penis for the sake of being belittled. Ultimately, that relationship ended for reasons unrelated to sex/cuckolding, but I realized I had discovered a significant part of my sexual identity during that time.
My second serious relationship (Girlfriend #2) was intense and toxic. She was a free spirit, and we didn’t have the healthiest dynamic. She cheated on me multiple times, telling me about it, and while I was hurt by it, I realized that I also had an odd fascination with hearing about it. It wasn’t exactly cuckolding because it wasn’t prearranged or involving other men with me, but I found a strange and unique pleasure in knowing about her infidelities, and I couldn't leave for a while because of it. There was a moment when we almost had a threesome with one of her lovers, but I got too jealous and it fell apart. Looking back, it was a really unhealthy situation, but it also made me more aware of how much I was drawn to the cuckold dynamic, even if it wasn’t fully realized. This relationship ended because of toxic patterns, and I learned a lot about myself during it.
In my most recent, meaningful, and long relationship (Girlfriend #3), we had more mature conversations about sex in general, and she had a high sex drive as well. But even though we had some brief discussions about sexual fantasies, the relationship in bed never fully aligned. She was absolutely against embracing the cuckold dynamic and wanted to feel desired by me, her partner, and have a lot of romantic and vanilla sex. I was really into her, just didn't have that high sex drive after the first months. She sensed this, and while we seldomly did talk about her past lovers, I couldn’t admit to her that I was into cuckolding (because I knew she was against it) and said those were just fantasies limited to knowing she used to be a "femme fatale" in the past and I loved that, after sleeping with multiple men, she chose me. Again, sex wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, but it was definitely a contributing factor to this one.
Where I Am Now
Now that I’m single again, I’m reflecting a lot on what I truly want. I find myself in this strange dichotomy: I live in a competitive world where “big-dick energy” is prevalent, and I struggle with how that matches with the more submissive side of me that I want to embrace in the bedroom. I wonder how I would feel if I found a partner who was open to cuckolding and exploring that side of me. Would I feel conflicted about having one persona in the bedroom and a different one in my professional and social life? Probably yes, and this has always been a significant roadblock for me.
Another realization I’ve had recently is that I might be bisexual, though I wouldn’t say my attraction to men is as strong as to women. I’m more drawn to the idea of a big penis as an object of desire. While I don’t feel the need for intimacy with men (kissing, etc.), I find the presence of a larger penis very arousing. I’ve considered exploring this further—maybe through Grindr to find someone to jerk off with—just to satisfy my curiosity and fulfill some of my desires, but I’ve been hesitant to act on it.
Moving Forward
I’ve been passive about exploring these things due to fear and how I was raised, and now I want to be more proactive in understanding and pursuing what I want. I’ve been hesitant to share all of this, but I think it’s important to start being more open with myself.
We’re mostly talking about sex here, but I do recognize that a relationship is about much more than just that. Sex wasn’t the only reason those relationships ended—there were other factors at play as well. But when I think about the future, I don’t really know what to aim for. If I could delete the love for cuckolding from my brain, I would. I would love to have a balanced relationship. At the same time, one of my favorite genres when watching porn is cuckolding, and I do watch a lot of it every time I can. I’m wondering if that’s playing a role in how I feel and what I crave. A lot of people say that porn is ruining the younger generation, and maybe I’m one of those “ruined” people. Maybe I’ll just keep this as a secret and try to focus on being passionate with a future partner. It’s not that I hate sex, though. In fact, once it’s over, I feel really good about myself. But for some reason, my mind works this way, and I don’t really understand it. it’s hard to change it.
Something I haven’t mentioned before is that I come from a pretty abusive background, specifically on my mother’s side. It wasn’t physical abuse, but more psychological. She comes from a broken household, and she couldn’t break the cycle of dysfunction, let’s put it that way. She was really hard on me growing up—too hard, in fact. I don’t know if that impacted my relationships with women, but I do know that I’m a pretty funny guy. I can grab people’s attention in a room, but when it comes to talking to girls, it took a lot for me to get the courage. Honestly, I didn’t really talk to girls much until college. I had sex for the first time with Girlfriend #1, and that was a whole learning process in itself.
This isn’t your typical sexually loaded thread, but I wanted to share where I’m at and see if anyone has advice or experiences to share. How do you navigate internal conflicts between your public persona and sexual desires? Have any of you struggled with balancing what you want sexually with how you present yourself in other parts of your life?
Thanks for reading, and I’d really appreciate any insights you can offer. If you have questions or need more details, feel free to ask. it’s hard to condense 20+ years of my sexual journey into one post.
I’ve been reading this forum for years now, but this is my first time posting. I recently ended an eight-year relationship, and now that I’m single again, I’m taking time to reflect on my past, my desires, and how I want to move forward. I’m hoping to hear from others who’ve had similar experiences and can offer some advice or perspective.
A Little About Me and My Past Relationships
I’m around 40 years old, a successful professional, and in good shape. I wouldn’t call myself model-hot, but I’d say I’m attractive enough that women generally find me appealing. I’m confident in my physical appearance, and I never had any issues with my size (I’m normal, and some say a bit bigger than average).
Now, in terms of relationships, my first serious one was with a girl I’ll call Girlfriend #1 that i dated when i was 18. She was nurturing and sweet, almost motherly, and had a very high sex drive. But for me, as the relationship went on, I started realizing that my sexual desire was fleeting (this became a common pattern in the future). Initially, I was excited, especially on first dates, but once the relationship settled in, I didn’t have the same level of drive for sex anymore. I found that I enjoyed intimacy more through dirty talk during masturbation rather than actual intercourse. I'd say I acted selfishly. I was a very jealous partner at first, but at the same time, I started being drawn to the world of cuckolding that was taking over the internet, and we began talking about it. she was very open to do it. to this day, she's the person i talked to the most about my fantasies. it helped a lot to overcome jealousy. It was more intellectual and fantasy-based, and we never acted on it besides her sunbathing topless on holidays in front of random people. I also did realize I enjoyed the humiliation, and comparison aspect. I also realized there was a part of me that fantasized about having a smaller penis for the sake of being belittled. Ultimately, that relationship ended for reasons unrelated to sex/cuckolding, but I realized I had discovered a significant part of my sexual identity during that time.
My second serious relationship (Girlfriend #2) was intense and toxic. She was a free spirit, and we didn’t have the healthiest dynamic. She cheated on me multiple times, telling me about it, and while I was hurt by it, I realized that I also had an odd fascination with hearing about it. It wasn’t exactly cuckolding because it wasn’t prearranged or involving other men with me, but I found a strange and unique pleasure in knowing about her infidelities, and I couldn't leave for a while because of it. There was a moment when we almost had a threesome with one of her lovers, but I got too jealous and it fell apart. Looking back, it was a really unhealthy situation, but it also made me more aware of how much I was drawn to the cuckold dynamic, even if it wasn’t fully realized. This relationship ended because of toxic patterns, and I learned a lot about myself during it.
In my most recent, meaningful, and long relationship (Girlfriend #3), we had more mature conversations about sex in general, and she had a high sex drive as well. But even though we had some brief discussions about sexual fantasies, the relationship in bed never fully aligned. She was absolutely against embracing the cuckold dynamic and wanted to feel desired by me, her partner, and have a lot of romantic and vanilla sex. I was really into her, just didn't have that high sex drive after the first months. She sensed this, and while we seldomly did talk about her past lovers, I couldn’t admit to her that I was into cuckolding (because I knew she was against it) and said those were just fantasies limited to knowing she used to be a "femme fatale" in the past and I loved that, after sleeping with multiple men, she chose me. Again, sex wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, but it was definitely a contributing factor to this one.
Where I Am Now
Now that I’m single again, I’m reflecting a lot on what I truly want. I find myself in this strange dichotomy: I live in a competitive world where “big-dick energy” is prevalent, and I struggle with how that matches with the more submissive side of me that I want to embrace in the bedroom. I wonder how I would feel if I found a partner who was open to cuckolding and exploring that side of me. Would I feel conflicted about having one persona in the bedroom and a different one in my professional and social life? Probably yes, and this has always been a significant roadblock for me.
Another realization I’ve had recently is that I might be bisexual, though I wouldn’t say my attraction to men is as strong as to women. I’m more drawn to the idea of a big penis as an object of desire. While I don’t feel the need for intimacy with men (kissing, etc.), I find the presence of a larger penis very arousing. I’ve considered exploring this further—maybe through Grindr to find someone to jerk off with—just to satisfy my curiosity and fulfill some of my desires, but I’ve been hesitant to act on it.
Moving Forward
I’ve been passive about exploring these things due to fear and how I was raised, and now I want to be more proactive in understanding and pursuing what I want. I’ve been hesitant to share all of this, but I think it’s important to start being more open with myself.
We’re mostly talking about sex here, but I do recognize that a relationship is about much more than just that. Sex wasn’t the only reason those relationships ended—there were other factors at play as well. But when I think about the future, I don’t really know what to aim for. If I could delete the love for cuckolding from my brain, I would. I would love to have a balanced relationship. At the same time, one of my favorite genres when watching porn is cuckolding, and I do watch a lot of it every time I can. I’m wondering if that’s playing a role in how I feel and what I crave. A lot of people say that porn is ruining the younger generation, and maybe I’m one of those “ruined” people. Maybe I’ll just keep this as a secret and try to focus on being passionate with a future partner. It’s not that I hate sex, though. In fact, once it’s over, I feel really good about myself. But for some reason, my mind works this way, and I don’t really understand it. it’s hard to change it.
Something I haven’t mentioned before is that I come from a pretty abusive background, specifically on my mother’s side. It wasn’t physical abuse, but more psychological. She comes from a broken household, and she couldn’t break the cycle of dysfunction, let’s put it that way. She was really hard on me growing up—too hard, in fact. I don’t know if that impacted my relationships with women, but I do know that I’m a pretty funny guy. I can grab people’s attention in a room, but when it comes to talking to girls, it took a lot for me to get the courage. Honestly, I didn’t really talk to girls much until college. I had sex for the first time with Girlfriend #1, and that was a whole learning process in itself.
This isn’t your typical sexually loaded thread, but I wanted to share where I’m at and see if anyone has advice or experiences to share. How do you navigate internal conflicts between your public persona and sexual desires? Have any of you struggled with balancing what you want sexually with how you present yourself in other parts of your life?
Thanks for reading, and I’d really appreciate any insights you can offer. If you have questions or need more details, feel free to ask. it’s hard to condense 20+ years of my sexual journey into one post.