agawim wrote:The relationship is no so far along that anyone is thinking about leaving anyone.
Dear SM, with all due respect you have no way of knowing this is true. It might be true but assuming this is the case is not the smartest thing to do.
Her saying that she does not want to leave you are even thinking about it has very little value at the moment to be honest, she herself told you she could not be trusted.
I think it is time that Bill's wife gets informed here, I understand that it is not nice for him, but come on man if he wanted to keep his mariage in the clear he could have backed off as soon as he was asked to do so.
When people are in "love" the value of existing relationships, financial consequences, family etc....is not the same as before this new relationship came along. People think about and see things differently, consequenses are not perceived in the same way.
Assuming that both your wife and Bill have too much to loose to leave their pre-existing relationships might not be smart at this point in time.
Take care, the both of you.
The truth is that after the first lie, I wanted to understand the situation better, so I hired a private investigator to collect some surveillance, which revealed the second lie(s). I'm not proud of this but after the trust was lost this is how I reacted.
The surveillance gave me a pretty good idea about what was said, done, etc.
There were hidden conversations, conversations about managing me, and a meeting that were all inappropriate. Still, there was no "I love you.. Want you... Run away with me...someday when we are together... You need to leave your husband... Etc." Nothing anything like that. Just two infatuated lovers expressing that they miss each other and want to see each other again, and are hoping that I will come around to feeling comfortable with that again, so that it might be possible. And, in truth, Samantha and I were in the process of discussing how to get past the first lie so that it might be possible for her to see bill again...
Yes, hard stuff. Mostly, the devastating thing is the lying. If she had "slipped" and done these things but then just told me, I would forgive and forget, but lying cuts deep.
I've tried to explain this to her - that lying is damaging and totally unnecessary. Yes, it's uncomfortable for all of us to admit our failures, and we honestly all have them, but the ramifications of lying are just so much worse.
I would certainly never say that my wife is a dishonest person by any measure (and I'm sure more honest than most), but there is something in her DNA that makes her rationalize that a "white lie" is not a big deal, and/or is worth it. I feel like it won't be until a lie causes so much irreversible damage that she really destroys something she really cares about, that she will get this. Learning this way, is not good. It's better to learn from other's mistakes.
Oh, as a side note, now that she knows I hired a private eye, she asked me if she was going to be followed last night. I asked "why", and she said "because if we are spending all that money on a PI, I figured that I could put on a really good show for you by driving to 10 different coffee shops and flirting with every guy I meet!". It was pretty hysterical... And a little surreal. We both laughed out loud about that, and I actually find this bizarre scenario strangely erotic. I can only imagine the PI telling me "Dude, you have a serious problem, it looks like your wife has 10 different lovers and is looking for more!!" Even in the middle of all of this discussion, the mood at home is fine, and we are even able to laugh together at the entire situation, and experience, and and the strange place we are in. Our life is rich...
