Samantha's Story (Kill Bill: Volume 2)
Posted: Fri May 16, 2014 8:11 pm
Hi guys,
Thanks in advance for welcoming me in to the group. In the last several days, I’ve been watching closely from the sidelines. As you know it’s been a fun, wild, and at times harrowing ride for Samantha's Man (SM) and me. I appreciate you all being here to advise SM. I know he’s gotten a lot of value out of the group and it’s been very enlightening for him to be out here. As you know, he’s been trying to get me to post for a long time but I’ve delayed for a few reasons. That being said, I’m here now.
SM has posted much of our story (see "Kill Bill.... Asking Wife to dump BF") so I won’t rehash everything except to clarify a few things and give some additional insights. So on a long plane ride from the West coast to the East coast, here goes. I’m not a big talker/writer but when I do give in to it, it comes (as you’ll see) in like a tsunami.
A little about me. I’m an ENTJ, MBA, CEO, hard driving, ambitious, passionate woman who wants what I want, when I want, how I want and doesn’t like to be boxed in or settle or compromise - and I am EXACTLY like SM. I have very few close friends and I have even fewer girlfriends and none of them would understand this. I relate more to men than I do to women. When someone comes to me with a problem I try to solve it instead of the traditional female approach of empathizing. I think like a man even though I’m all woman.
SM and I have life on a string, our cup runneth over, but we’ll never get our fill. SM and I are happy go lucky but rarely fully satisfied and always pushing for more. There has never been a truer man/companion/lover/husband for me than SM. He knows this through and through because he knows me like no one else knows me.
SM and I have been together for over 11 years. At the beginning of our relationship he suggested that I start seeing an old BF from college, I think you all know him by “Alan”. That was a fun and loving relationship that lasted for 10 years.
I loved Alan and SM knew that - from the beginning. (I know, you’re thinking a Poly-variation here) Alan and I have known each other for 20 years. We were very close emotionally. He was a very special friend to me and someone who really sought to understand me from both a physical and emotional standpoint. Alan knew my darkest secrets and thoughts. I saw him irregularly over a 10 year period. He many times asked me to be with him solely, start a family and a life with him. I declined because I saw a much more enriching future with SM and was committed to SM. SM understands me like no other, puts up with me, and constantly challenges me. SM knows I need to be challenged and knows when to do that and knows how to overcome my resistance. It’s a funny thing; I get bored and need change but sometimes don’t want to make a change - SM notices that in me and puts a challenge in front of us so we can take our lives to another level. That is a quality I’ve never found in any other person I’ve ever met. That’s part of the long-term stickiness of our relationship. That’s also why we are here.
In my HW adventure, I’ve been very clear that I want an open, sharing, developing, deep relationship with another. I seek to be known and understood not just physically, but also emotionally. That knowledge of my person can help my partner pick my lock and bring me even more pleasure. I like the idea of someone pulling back the layers and I like pulling back their layers. I think because of this, SM would call me a hog. He wants me to just be a pig. (Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered.) But I am wired to want it all (and honestly, so is SM) But at the end of the day, I also know where I call home and who I’m going home to, SM. I do ask for a lot of leeway here - at times I’ve earned it and at times I’ve crushed it. I understand that.
SM was jealous of that relationship with Alan, but ultimately knew that Alan was not a threat to our relationship. However SM’s mixed emotions ruled the day and many times made it unsatisfying to all parties involved.
That BF relationship officially ended roughly in the summer of 2013. (Although I still get the occasional text from him and still consider him a close friend.) At that point I wanted to retire my HW status and wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything new. For months SM begged me to get back into it and find someone new. I was reluctant to do so because of some of the issues that had come up with Alan and SM. Specifically for years SM would say “Go make a date!”, then 1 minute after I’d do so, he’d say “Go cancel your date!”. This happened about 75% of the time. It was very frustrating for me and Alan. Obviously SM had mixed emotions about wanting me to do it; his desire would lead then his jealously would kick in and completely dominate. (This was before he found this HW site and started to better understand himself.) I’m sure some of the other HW’s and HWH’s can relate to wanting it but also fearing it and struggling to get their partner to fully understand that internal conflict. We are all imprinted with societal rules and this is a strong break from the traditional marriage model and obviously most people don’t get it and many of the ones that do get it and our addicted to it also seem to struggle with reconciling their feelings about it from time to time as well.
When we restarted this past January, SM promised that he would not torture everyone any more; he would not be decisive for me to go out and then be immediately decisive for me to cancel the date - i.e. be totally indecisive and entirely frustrating. Reluctantly and after much pressure by SM, I acquiesced to his request and put a profile on Ashley Madison (AM). Then the flood gates opened. AM was a trial. Honestly I wasn’t sure if it would work or if I’d find anyone I liked, trusted and could connect with. The flood of suiters definitely excited SM and made him very proud of my attractiveness which is a major turn on for him. He loves the idea of other men looking at and wanting me. I loved AM because it’s where married people (who want to stay married) go to seek relationships. I want someone who is committed to another but just needs a little something extra on the side. Alan was never married and that presented some challenges. I didn’t want that additional problem to solve as I restarted, so AM was the perfect solution for us.
SM was also excited about finally getting some balance (i.e. multiple lovers) instead of just one BF, like I had had before with Alan. Part of our 2014 agreement was that I would TRY to find more than one man to make SM feel at ease. I did that even though it makes me feel uncomfortable and slutty (societal imprint talking here).
I immediately found Bill on AM and he stood out to me. Bill was the first AM date I had, the first AM romp I had, and I trusted him and connected with him like no one else I found on AM. Connection is not something that I take lightly. It can’t be bottled and sold or replicated; it’s either there or it isn’t. It’s hard to describe what you are looking for, but everyone knows it when they’ve found it. Bill and I had that connection in spades. SM knew that from the beginning. SM was excited about the whole thing and was committed to not being indecisive. He was very open to me exploring and we had lots of long conversations about it. Bill made it very clear early on and throughout that he loved his wife and they had a very special bond and he had every intention of keeping that going. The thing that made me say “Bill’s the right guy for us!” was when Bill told me that he “couldn’t imagine growing old with anyone other than his wife.” This was a statement he made early on in our conversations. That’s when I looked at SM and said, “He’s perfect for us! One less point of contention/drama and it’ll help us enjoy it all the more.” Bill and his wife have a family and business together which I think also further increases their bond. I know where Bill’s heart is and it’s with his wife.
Because of our issues (red light/green light) with my previous BF, SM promised he would improve/control that aspect to make it more enjoyable for both of us. As a result, he committed to himself to never say “no” when I asked for something (or when I was asked for something). However, the truth was, he didn’t feel comfortable but pushed himself to get out of his comfort zone so as to make it more fun. It was very much a turn on for him and he’d give me all A’s on my report card (except in the subject of honest). However, I wasn’t tuned in to this wavering. I wish I would have been. I probably ignored major signs along the way. I see them now and that’s why one of the things we’ve talked about is SM not doing/saying things he’s actually uncomfortable with even though he’s committed to being decisive and not saying “no”. Saying yes, when you feel like saying no is a recipe for disaster.
At the beginning on my relationship with Bill, I was honestly consumed with the NRE. (More so than with Alan because I saw Bill much more frequently than I saw Alan.) So my NRE combined with SM’s promise to himself to never say “no” was an explosive combination. It resulted in some white hot experiences that we’ll never forget and have been fantastic. But it’s also what pushed us to the breaking point. Now we are rebuilding.
I took his can’t say “no” as a green light even when I knew/should have known I was pushing him out of his comfort zone. I like black and white, discrete courses of action and when he told me go, I went like a bat out of hell. But the truth is, he wasn’t comfortable.
There’s a trail I run by our home. I usually always run it in the same direction. After we split with Bill, I started reading “Also newbie” and “Kill Bill...” on this site and I also started running the trail in reverse. I saw so many things along that trail, that I thought I knew so well, that I had never seen before because I got another perspective. In the same way, when I read SM’s posts, I got another perspective, SM’s perspective. Admittedly I had been hearing it the whole time, but I had ignored much of it because he never said “no”. He revealed his vulnerabilities in his honest posts to you guys. Reading it made me see things in a whole new light. Sometimes the things that are right in front of you, you miss. Sometimes the one’s we love the most, we take for granted. It’s a shame, but also a part of human nature.
Did we have some issues along the way and did I screw some major things up, i.e. lie? - YES, absolutely and undoubtably. Are we actively working through them, intent on staying together? Do I want it my way? Do I want to be a hog? But am I willing to find a compromise (be a pig)? Am I manipulative and negotiating for my wants? Is SM manipulative and negotiating for his wants? Are we still finding our way through our wants and desire and this maze? Absolutely YES to all the above. However, I am confident SM and I will figure it out. Neither of us may be completely happy and both of us are wired to be hogs and want it our own way so it will be a difficult journey for us, but certainly not the most difficult thing we’ve ever worked through. What’s important to know is that we are deeply in love and we really do have a good relationship. This lifestyle - whichever version of it you chose - is not a zero sum game. Under the right circumstance and with the right people it can enhance your life like no other, even when it gets difficult.
I have to get better at reading SM and asking direct questions and getting answers that are absolute and unwavering. Otherwise it confuses me and we walk away with completely different understandings. Many of you have noted his wishy-washy-ness in his posts and have also become frustrated by it as well.
The truth is that within about 12 hours of SM telling me he wanted to dump Bill and I agreed, SM was asking me if we could make it work again. I was getting a green light, a yellow light, and a stop light from SM all at the same time. I’m sure many of you can relate to these mixed feelings. The green light is SM’s sexual side wanting to see me well pleased which is an incredible turn on to him. The red light was his jealously and fear of my closeness to Bill. The yellow light was just the mix of those feelings but also an honest and thoughtful potential path for us to see if we could work it out in a way that would make everyone really happy.
And I think for someone like me, with few friends and being such a hard driver in life that I’m typically not someone that people like (even though I’m respected), so finding someone who likes me in spite of my nature is also relevant to my desire to keep Bill in the game. Finding someone who likes to sleep with me is easy, finding someone that I connect with and like and want to get to know and really wants to get to know me is much harder. Plus, let’s get real here, Bill fucks me like no other. I am dominant outside of the bedroom but absolutely love to be forced into submission between the sheets. Bill gets that and is relentless in his pursuit of that objective.
SM knows that I’m sensitive and annoyed at his indecision from my first BF, Alan. There were many times that I told SM that I’m not calling Alan anymore because of the red light/green light/yellow light we had with him. While I appreciate the shades of nuance in these types of relationships and the feelings involved, I’m not a mind reader. And honestly SM would have found issue in either direction I would have gone in with Alan (i.e. going on a date or not going on a date would have equally upset him). In fact, SM always brings up the time that I told him “I’m going out to see Alan, love you, bye...” and SM insisted “No way!” I did it anyway and SM knew - I just walked right out of the house. When I got back home, SM was so happy and thrilled, even though it terrified him, that he still talks about that night 9 years later. (I know, you’re thinking a Cuck-variation here)
In the days leading up to me meeting Bill at the bookstore (my recent transgression), SM and I were actively negotiating re-starting with Bill. I wanted to see Bill and let him know where we were. In truth I missed him and asked him to hang on as SM and I work though this. It was an absolute disastrous mistake on my part. I feel like we were in the red zone but because of me, the next pass was intercepted and run back for a touchdown by the other team. I have apologized to SM repeatedly, but I’ve also tried to justify/rationalize my actions. I’ve been burned at the stake, and rightfully so, by many of the members on this site. That’s one reason why I’ve been reluctant to post here. I can literally feel the heat from many of you! I do sincerely appreciate you sticking up for SM but I caution you that many of you don’t fully understand the depth and strength of our relationship and I hope that you’ll stop saying things that invoke the D word. It’s truly hurtful and not helpful. While I don’t want to respond to specific people and their comments - there’s not enough time in the day for me to do that - I do want to thank the thoughtful people who have really busted out some great logic and responses and plans for us. Online, it’s really hard to get to know someone and judgements are made without fully understanding the nuances that each relationship has. I’m not mad about it, it’s just the reality of the anonymous blog situation.
In addition, while SM is being fair in his posts, many times he neglects to tell you that he does really want to bring Bill back too.... I’m not 100% sure if it’s part of his negotiation to get me back to HWing or if he really means it. I think he’s more than a little conflicted. He’s going to have to figure that out. I do think he is negotiating in good faith to move forward with Bill especially after they spoke for 45 minutes on the phone on Wednesday. He understands Bill’s situation better (it’s just not coming from me) and he understands better what Bill wants from me.
Have there been some dramatic discussion between SM and I? Yes. We are in active discussions. Nothing’s been decided. Just like SM goes through and asks you guys every question and thought that pops in his head, he does the same with me. And we’ve talked about a lot, had disagreements and are ultimately trying to make our way back to good. But it’s easily in sight. Many of you have suggested we take a break and focus on us. I don’t disagree with that thought process at all. I’ve certainly offered that as an option to SM. The problem is, as you’ve seen, SM does want to make this work and he’s put a significant amount of effort into it to speed it along. Maybe too fast, but that’s just his personality type. He doesn’t like things to linger and like me, he wants what he wants. Honestly I believe all this attention on this is hurting our business and not allowing us to fully be present during family time. For those reasons and others, I have put more thought into my ability to be a pig so I can not let go of the other things that are important to me.
The other reason I haven’t posted is because at the beginning I was very busy being the “hardest working girl in hotwifery” - up to 4 rounds/day (on my great days), 100‘s of orgasms, 100’s of pictures, 3 HOT long videos, 1 mini-video, a voice recording, reclaiming, gym, shopping, sex talk, HW talk and much more. Literally while SM was on the HW forum every night, I was on AM, or on a date. But I got the Cliff Notes most times. I do appreciate many of you who have taken the time to give thoughtful consideration to our situation and offer advice. I know it’s helped us both. In truth, however, I have asked SM on multiple occasions to take a break. Literally (and you can verify by looking at his posts), he’s on it 24 hours a day. (He’s also posting a lot of it from his cell phone, hence the grammatical errors. It’s driven me crazy too because he’s a smart guy and knows how to write/spell.) But SM has always been focused on the meat of the issue and not on the presentation when it’s come to sharing his feelings here. Plus he’s actively using this forum to simply chronicle his thoughts and our story real time.) You are getting a “play by play” live game analysis which I think is a little overkill personally. I’d prefer that he limit himself to a daily summary - just a highlight reel. He’s as addicted to this forum now as he is to me. His feelings and my feelings are continuously evolving as we work to figure this out. My worry is that you are hearing every single thought and conversation and even though it has been a window into everything some of our discussions are just thoughts about things as we work through them and not final decisions.
After reading the wide variation of posts on this site (since he started in January) SM comes to me with exploring more extreme scenarios than you can imagine based on this feedback which has been hard for me to process. It’s honestly overwhelming and sometimes more than a little distracting and confusing. Sometimes I know he doesn’t even know what he wants let alone what he wants me to do.
SM does want to explore and he asks himself all the time about identifying with HW/Poly/Cuck/Open Marriage/And Other Variations. Who knows what we all are decisively, except developing and growing sexual beings who are honest enough with ourselves to challenge our imprints and embrace/explore our desires. Everyday we get to know ourselves better and our sexuality and preferences may change. Many people are so emotionally tied to these ideals and what we think they mean out of fear or wanting/not wanting to identify with something. SM wants to be HWH because he is an Alpha in the boardroom. But there are so many variations on the continuum it may be dangerous to just pick one even though it feels good (and sounds good to say “Alpha”) to identify yourself within a certain group - there’s security in it. But even he has questioned it openly with you guys. I think it’s hard for him to see himself as anything other than a HWH because he’s a very successful and in control man in life as well. When you are in a significant power position in life, it’s hard to see yourself/admit to yourself anything other than Alpha. He also needs to be number one and has a problem with Poly. I’m not saying that he’s Cuck or Poly but he’s on the edge of the HW continuum for sure. It’s tough to get advice from someone on one end of the spectrum of HW when you might be on the other - i.e. the divorce talk.
For me, I like black and white and I wish he could find something and stick it instead of questioning constantly. SM operates well in the grey and he is always questioning and seeking to broaden his self-understanding and horizons (that’s how he’s wired). But it can be very confusing and frustrating for me. And I’ll admit that as many of you have suggested, I may be somewhere between the HW and Poly continuum. Hence some of our issues.
SM’s personality type is to constantly challenge himself, his resolve, handle his jealously so it can bring him ultimate joy, etc., which when accomplished brings him much pleasure when he conquers it and goes to the next level. SM is also a bit of a Peacock and Showboat - he wants to be the best at everything he does - those are his character traits. He was certainly encouraged by many on this forum which he loved. He also loves to show me off and has done so more than I ever wanted and has since taken down pictures of me - thank you to the moderators.
I get the strong impression that many on this site are thought to be fakes and are called out on their potential fakeness and lack of knowledge/experience continuously. It gets a little catty and that’s sad and not constructive. But to make sure you are all aware that SM and I are not fake, he’s really gone all out and maybe given a little too much IMHO to satisfy others on this site. I’ve personally never posted to blogs before but I (obviously) have a lot to express. I want to be thoughtful and considerate in this post and it takes me some time to put those thoughts together in a cohesive way. Thank you to those who are still reading.
This is a very nuanced situation that SM and I share and I’m sure most you share with your significant other. I sincerely hope you give us some time to figure this out in a way that works for our particular situation and history and sexual preference. Just like everything else, it will develop and change all the time. The one thing I want to conclude on is while I’ve made plenty of mistakes and haven’t been honest with SM, I do love him more than anything. My family is the most important thing to me. I want to find a way to make it work for both of us. I’m confident we can. Thanks again to you all for your guidance and feedback.
~ Samantha
Thanks in advance for welcoming me in to the group. In the last several days, I’ve been watching closely from the sidelines. As you know it’s been a fun, wild, and at times harrowing ride for Samantha's Man (SM) and me. I appreciate you all being here to advise SM. I know he’s gotten a lot of value out of the group and it’s been very enlightening for him to be out here. As you know, he’s been trying to get me to post for a long time but I’ve delayed for a few reasons. That being said, I’m here now.
SM has posted much of our story (see "Kill Bill.... Asking Wife to dump BF") so I won’t rehash everything except to clarify a few things and give some additional insights. So on a long plane ride from the West coast to the East coast, here goes. I’m not a big talker/writer but when I do give in to it, it comes (as you’ll see) in like a tsunami.
A little about me. I’m an ENTJ, MBA, CEO, hard driving, ambitious, passionate woman who wants what I want, when I want, how I want and doesn’t like to be boxed in or settle or compromise - and I am EXACTLY like SM. I have very few close friends and I have even fewer girlfriends and none of them would understand this. I relate more to men than I do to women. When someone comes to me with a problem I try to solve it instead of the traditional female approach of empathizing. I think like a man even though I’m all woman.
SM and I have life on a string, our cup runneth over, but we’ll never get our fill. SM and I are happy go lucky but rarely fully satisfied and always pushing for more. There has never been a truer man/companion/lover/husband for me than SM. He knows this through and through because he knows me like no one else knows me.
SM and I have been together for over 11 years. At the beginning of our relationship he suggested that I start seeing an old BF from college, I think you all know him by “Alan”. That was a fun and loving relationship that lasted for 10 years.
I loved Alan and SM knew that - from the beginning. (I know, you’re thinking a Poly-variation here) Alan and I have known each other for 20 years. We were very close emotionally. He was a very special friend to me and someone who really sought to understand me from both a physical and emotional standpoint. Alan knew my darkest secrets and thoughts. I saw him irregularly over a 10 year period. He many times asked me to be with him solely, start a family and a life with him. I declined because I saw a much more enriching future with SM and was committed to SM. SM understands me like no other, puts up with me, and constantly challenges me. SM knows I need to be challenged and knows when to do that and knows how to overcome my resistance. It’s a funny thing; I get bored and need change but sometimes don’t want to make a change - SM notices that in me and puts a challenge in front of us so we can take our lives to another level. That is a quality I’ve never found in any other person I’ve ever met. That’s part of the long-term stickiness of our relationship. That’s also why we are here.
In my HW adventure, I’ve been very clear that I want an open, sharing, developing, deep relationship with another. I seek to be known and understood not just physically, but also emotionally. That knowledge of my person can help my partner pick my lock and bring me even more pleasure. I like the idea of someone pulling back the layers and I like pulling back their layers. I think because of this, SM would call me a hog. He wants me to just be a pig. (Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered.) But I am wired to want it all (and honestly, so is SM) But at the end of the day, I also know where I call home and who I’m going home to, SM. I do ask for a lot of leeway here - at times I’ve earned it and at times I’ve crushed it. I understand that.
SM was jealous of that relationship with Alan, but ultimately knew that Alan was not a threat to our relationship. However SM’s mixed emotions ruled the day and many times made it unsatisfying to all parties involved.
That BF relationship officially ended roughly in the summer of 2013. (Although I still get the occasional text from him and still consider him a close friend.) At that point I wanted to retire my HW status and wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything new. For months SM begged me to get back into it and find someone new. I was reluctant to do so because of some of the issues that had come up with Alan and SM. Specifically for years SM would say “Go make a date!”, then 1 minute after I’d do so, he’d say “Go cancel your date!”. This happened about 75% of the time. It was very frustrating for me and Alan. Obviously SM had mixed emotions about wanting me to do it; his desire would lead then his jealously would kick in and completely dominate. (This was before he found this HW site and started to better understand himself.) I’m sure some of the other HW’s and HWH’s can relate to wanting it but also fearing it and struggling to get their partner to fully understand that internal conflict. We are all imprinted with societal rules and this is a strong break from the traditional marriage model and obviously most people don’t get it and many of the ones that do get it and our addicted to it also seem to struggle with reconciling their feelings about it from time to time as well.
When we restarted this past January, SM promised that he would not torture everyone any more; he would not be decisive for me to go out and then be immediately decisive for me to cancel the date - i.e. be totally indecisive and entirely frustrating. Reluctantly and after much pressure by SM, I acquiesced to his request and put a profile on Ashley Madison (AM). Then the flood gates opened. AM was a trial. Honestly I wasn’t sure if it would work or if I’d find anyone I liked, trusted and could connect with. The flood of suiters definitely excited SM and made him very proud of my attractiveness which is a major turn on for him. He loves the idea of other men looking at and wanting me. I loved AM because it’s where married people (who want to stay married) go to seek relationships. I want someone who is committed to another but just needs a little something extra on the side. Alan was never married and that presented some challenges. I didn’t want that additional problem to solve as I restarted, so AM was the perfect solution for us.
SM was also excited about finally getting some balance (i.e. multiple lovers) instead of just one BF, like I had had before with Alan. Part of our 2014 agreement was that I would TRY to find more than one man to make SM feel at ease. I did that even though it makes me feel uncomfortable and slutty (societal imprint talking here).
I immediately found Bill on AM and he stood out to me. Bill was the first AM date I had, the first AM romp I had, and I trusted him and connected with him like no one else I found on AM. Connection is not something that I take lightly. It can’t be bottled and sold or replicated; it’s either there or it isn’t. It’s hard to describe what you are looking for, but everyone knows it when they’ve found it. Bill and I had that connection in spades. SM knew that from the beginning. SM was excited about the whole thing and was committed to not being indecisive. He was very open to me exploring and we had lots of long conversations about it. Bill made it very clear early on and throughout that he loved his wife and they had a very special bond and he had every intention of keeping that going. The thing that made me say “Bill’s the right guy for us!” was when Bill told me that he “couldn’t imagine growing old with anyone other than his wife.” This was a statement he made early on in our conversations. That’s when I looked at SM and said, “He’s perfect for us! One less point of contention/drama and it’ll help us enjoy it all the more.” Bill and his wife have a family and business together which I think also further increases their bond. I know where Bill’s heart is and it’s with his wife.
Because of our issues (red light/green light) with my previous BF, SM promised he would improve/control that aspect to make it more enjoyable for both of us. As a result, he committed to himself to never say “no” when I asked for something (or when I was asked for something). However, the truth was, he didn’t feel comfortable but pushed himself to get out of his comfort zone so as to make it more fun. It was very much a turn on for him and he’d give me all A’s on my report card (except in the subject of honest). However, I wasn’t tuned in to this wavering. I wish I would have been. I probably ignored major signs along the way. I see them now and that’s why one of the things we’ve talked about is SM not doing/saying things he’s actually uncomfortable with even though he’s committed to being decisive and not saying “no”. Saying yes, when you feel like saying no is a recipe for disaster.
At the beginning on my relationship with Bill, I was honestly consumed with the NRE. (More so than with Alan because I saw Bill much more frequently than I saw Alan.) So my NRE combined with SM’s promise to himself to never say “no” was an explosive combination. It resulted in some white hot experiences that we’ll never forget and have been fantastic. But it’s also what pushed us to the breaking point. Now we are rebuilding.
I took his can’t say “no” as a green light even when I knew/should have known I was pushing him out of his comfort zone. I like black and white, discrete courses of action and when he told me go, I went like a bat out of hell. But the truth is, he wasn’t comfortable.
There’s a trail I run by our home. I usually always run it in the same direction. After we split with Bill, I started reading “Also newbie” and “Kill Bill...” on this site and I also started running the trail in reverse. I saw so many things along that trail, that I thought I knew so well, that I had never seen before because I got another perspective. In the same way, when I read SM’s posts, I got another perspective, SM’s perspective. Admittedly I had been hearing it the whole time, but I had ignored much of it because he never said “no”. He revealed his vulnerabilities in his honest posts to you guys. Reading it made me see things in a whole new light. Sometimes the things that are right in front of you, you miss. Sometimes the one’s we love the most, we take for granted. It’s a shame, but also a part of human nature.
Did we have some issues along the way and did I screw some major things up, i.e. lie? - YES, absolutely and undoubtably. Are we actively working through them, intent on staying together? Do I want it my way? Do I want to be a hog? But am I willing to find a compromise (be a pig)? Am I manipulative and negotiating for my wants? Is SM manipulative and negotiating for his wants? Are we still finding our way through our wants and desire and this maze? Absolutely YES to all the above. However, I am confident SM and I will figure it out. Neither of us may be completely happy and both of us are wired to be hogs and want it our own way so it will be a difficult journey for us, but certainly not the most difficult thing we’ve ever worked through. What’s important to know is that we are deeply in love and we really do have a good relationship. This lifestyle - whichever version of it you chose - is not a zero sum game. Under the right circumstance and with the right people it can enhance your life like no other, even when it gets difficult.
I have to get better at reading SM and asking direct questions and getting answers that are absolute and unwavering. Otherwise it confuses me and we walk away with completely different understandings. Many of you have noted his wishy-washy-ness in his posts and have also become frustrated by it as well.
The truth is that within about 12 hours of SM telling me he wanted to dump Bill and I agreed, SM was asking me if we could make it work again. I was getting a green light, a yellow light, and a stop light from SM all at the same time. I’m sure many of you can relate to these mixed feelings. The green light is SM’s sexual side wanting to see me well pleased which is an incredible turn on to him. The red light was his jealously and fear of my closeness to Bill. The yellow light was just the mix of those feelings but also an honest and thoughtful potential path for us to see if we could work it out in a way that would make everyone really happy.
And I think for someone like me, with few friends and being such a hard driver in life that I’m typically not someone that people like (even though I’m respected), so finding someone who likes me in spite of my nature is also relevant to my desire to keep Bill in the game. Finding someone who likes to sleep with me is easy, finding someone that I connect with and like and want to get to know and really wants to get to know me is much harder. Plus, let’s get real here, Bill fucks me like no other. I am dominant outside of the bedroom but absolutely love to be forced into submission between the sheets. Bill gets that and is relentless in his pursuit of that objective.
SM knows that I’m sensitive and annoyed at his indecision from my first BF, Alan. There were many times that I told SM that I’m not calling Alan anymore because of the red light/green light/yellow light we had with him. While I appreciate the shades of nuance in these types of relationships and the feelings involved, I’m not a mind reader. And honestly SM would have found issue in either direction I would have gone in with Alan (i.e. going on a date or not going on a date would have equally upset him). In fact, SM always brings up the time that I told him “I’m going out to see Alan, love you, bye...” and SM insisted “No way!” I did it anyway and SM knew - I just walked right out of the house. When I got back home, SM was so happy and thrilled, even though it terrified him, that he still talks about that night 9 years later. (I know, you’re thinking a Cuck-variation here)
In the days leading up to me meeting Bill at the bookstore (my recent transgression), SM and I were actively negotiating re-starting with Bill. I wanted to see Bill and let him know where we were. In truth I missed him and asked him to hang on as SM and I work though this. It was an absolute disastrous mistake on my part. I feel like we were in the red zone but because of me, the next pass was intercepted and run back for a touchdown by the other team. I have apologized to SM repeatedly, but I’ve also tried to justify/rationalize my actions. I’ve been burned at the stake, and rightfully so, by many of the members on this site. That’s one reason why I’ve been reluctant to post here. I can literally feel the heat from many of you! I do sincerely appreciate you sticking up for SM but I caution you that many of you don’t fully understand the depth and strength of our relationship and I hope that you’ll stop saying things that invoke the D word. It’s truly hurtful and not helpful. While I don’t want to respond to specific people and their comments - there’s not enough time in the day for me to do that - I do want to thank the thoughtful people who have really busted out some great logic and responses and plans for us. Online, it’s really hard to get to know someone and judgements are made without fully understanding the nuances that each relationship has. I’m not mad about it, it’s just the reality of the anonymous blog situation.
In addition, while SM is being fair in his posts, many times he neglects to tell you that he does really want to bring Bill back too.... I’m not 100% sure if it’s part of his negotiation to get me back to HWing or if he really means it. I think he’s more than a little conflicted. He’s going to have to figure that out. I do think he is negotiating in good faith to move forward with Bill especially after they spoke for 45 minutes on the phone on Wednesday. He understands Bill’s situation better (it’s just not coming from me) and he understands better what Bill wants from me.
Have there been some dramatic discussion between SM and I? Yes. We are in active discussions. Nothing’s been decided. Just like SM goes through and asks you guys every question and thought that pops in his head, he does the same with me. And we’ve talked about a lot, had disagreements and are ultimately trying to make our way back to good. But it’s easily in sight. Many of you have suggested we take a break and focus on us. I don’t disagree with that thought process at all. I’ve certainly offered that as an option to SM. The problem is, as you’ve seen, SM does want to make this work and he’s put a significant amount of effort into it to speed it along. Maybe too fast, but that’s just his personality type. He doesn’t like things to linger and like me, he wants what he wants. Honestly I believe all this attention on this is hurting our business and not allowing us to fully be present during family time. For those reasons and others, I have put more thought into my ability to be a pig so I can not let go of the other things that are important to me.
The other reason I haven’t posted is because at the beginning I was very busy being the “hardest working girl in hotwifery” - up to 4 rounds/day (on my great days), 100‘s of orgasms, 100’s of pictures, 3 HOT long videos, 1 mini-video, a voice recording, reclaiming, gym, shopping, sex talk, HW talk and much more. Literally while SM was on the HW forum every night, I was on AM, or on a date. But I got the Cliff Notes most times. I do appreciate many of you who have taken the time to give thoughtful consideration to our situation and offer advice. I know it’s helped us both. In truth, however, I have asked SM on multiple occasions to take a break. Literally (and you can verify by looking at his posts), he’s on it 24 hours a day. (He’s also posting a lot of it from his cell phone, hence the grammatical errors. It’s driven me crazy too because he’s a smart guy and knows how to write/spell.) But SM has always been focused on the meat of the issue and not on the presentation when it’s come to sharing his feelings here. Plus he’s actively using this forum to simply chronicle his thoughts and our story real time.) You are getting a “play by play” live game analysis which I think is a little overkill personally. I’d prefer that he limit himself to a daily summary - just a highlight reel. He’s as addicted to this forum now as he is to me. His feelings and my feelings are continuously evolving as we work to figure this out. My worry is that you are hearing every single thought and conversation and even though it has been a window into everything some of our discussions are just thoughts about things as we work through them and not final decisions.
After reading the wide variation of posts on this site (since he started in January) SM comes to me with exploring more extreme scenarios than you can imagine based on this feedback which has been hard for me to process. It’s honestly overwhelming and sometimes more than a little distracting and confusing. Sometimes I know he doesn’t even know what he wants let alone what he wants me to do.
SM does want to explore and he asks himself all the time about identifying with HW/Poly/Cuck/Open Marriage/And Other Variations. Who knows what we all are decisively, except developing and growing sexual beings who are honest enough with ourselves to challenge our imprints and embrace/explore our desires. Everyday we get to know ourselves better and our sexuality and preferences may change. Many people are so emotionally tied to these ideals and what we think they mean out of fear or wanting/not wanting to identify with something. SM wants to be HWH because he is an Alpha in the boardroom. But there are so many variations on the continuum it may be dangerous to just pick one even though it feels good (and sounds good to say “Alpha”) to identify yourself within a certain group - there’s security in it. But even he has questioned it openly with you guys. I think it’s hard for him to see himself as anything other than a HWH because he’s a very successful and in control man in life as well. When you are in a significant power position in life, it’s hard to see yourself/admit to yourself anything other than Alpha. He also needs to be number one and has a problem with Poly. I’m not saying that he’s Cuck or Poly but he’s on the edge of the HW continuum for sure. It’s tough to get advice from someone on one end of the spectrum of HW when you might be on the other - i.e. the divorce talk.
For me, I like black and white and I wish he could find something and stick it instead of questioning constantly. SM operates well in the grey and he is always questioning and seeking to broaden his self-understanding and horizons (that’s how he’s wired). But it can be very confusing and frustrating for me. And I’ll admit that as many of you have suggested, I may be somewhere between the HW and Poly continuum. Hence some of our issues.
SM’s personality type is to constantly challenge himself, his resolve, handle his jealously so it can bring him ultimate joy, etc., which when accomplished brings him much pleasure when he conquers it and goes to the next level. SM is also a bit of a Peacock and Showboat - he wants to be the best at everything he does - those are his character traits. He was certainly encouraged by many on this forum which he loved. He also loves to show me off and has done so more than I ever wanted and has since taken down pictures of me - thank you to the moderators.
I get the strong impression that many on this site are thought to be fakes and are called out on their potential fakeness and lack of knowledge/experience continuously. It gets a little catty and that’s sad and not constructive. But to make sure you are all aware that SM and I are not fake, he’s really gone all out and maybe given a little too much IMHO to satisfy others on this site. I’ve personally never posted to blogs before but I (obviously) have a lot to express. I want to be thoughtful and considerate in this post and it takes me some time to put those thoughts together in a cohesive way. Thank you to those who are still reading.
This is a very nuanced situation that SM and I share and I’m sure most you share with your significant other. I sincerely hope you give us some time to figure this out in a way that works for our particular situation and history and sexual preference. Just like everything else, it will develop and change all the time. The one thing I want to conclude on is while I’ve made plenty of mistakes and haven’t been honest with SM, I do love him more than anything. My family is the most important thing to me. I want to find a way to make it work for both of us. I’m confident we can. Thanks again to you all for your guidance and feedback.
~ Samantha
