The Flip Side of Anger

[Prettykitty44]

The life of a Hotwife/Cucktress isn't an easy one. Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know I have a good deal in my husband wanting and encouraging me to explore my sexuality within the parameters of our marriage. However, when it comes down to what this really is and the tightrope balancing act it takes to keep all happy, well, only trapeze artist who has fallen off the tightrope can speak to the real complexity that is the open relationship.

I had been seeing my guy, my lover, for nearly a year at the time. The sex was incredible with him and, when things were good, the sex at home was amazing with husband too. Those who have ever dabbled in an open marriage know that jealousy and insecurity eventually rear their ugly heads. As much as my husband wants me to cuck him, as much as he wants me to be pleasured by another man but ultimately come home to him, the reality isn't always all that sexy. There are fights about stupid things. Like, "You are always so eager to go be with him." (Uh...Yes, I will always be eager for his big, thick cock!!) or "Why is he texting you on a Saturday night?" (Uh... because he wants to fuck me?). People in open relationships who say they do not deal with jealousy and insecurity at some level are lying. They just are.

And then there was the complexity of my relationship with my guy. It's hard enough to manage the communication with one man nonetheless two! Especially when the two men are totally different in manner and temperament. I am a people pleaser and I will go without to make sure the person I am pleasing is the most pleased. Because there was so much random conflict from my cuck's insecurities, I never wanted to bring up areas of discontentment with my lover because of the apprehension I had in creating even more chaos in my life. However, in any type of relationship, when one's needs are not being met and nothing is being said a recipe called Disaster is being made.

I am a Hotwife/Cucktress. I chastise my husband with having sex with other men. I tease him. I deny him. I humiliate him. Because it's what *he wants*. However *I* consider *myself* to be more polyamorous in nature. I need connect. I need respect from the man I am fucking. I need to be appreciated for the gift I am to both of my men. As all relationships develop over time, there is a tendency to get lazy. Even a Hotwife sometimes doesn't get hot sex from her lover or ends up getting the short end of the stick when it comes to offering and receiving pleasure. And because I do skew poly, I began to feel unappreciated by both my men. Unappreciated by my husband who was causing random conflict when *my fucking othe men is what he wants* and unappreciated by my lover because things were starting to get a little mundane. He was expecting hot and wild sex from me but not putting forth the effort to bring me to that hot and wild place. With my husband getting on my case about what I was doing wrong as a Hotwife and because I wasn't being forthcoming with my lover about my displeasure in the dialed down nature of our relationship, I began to resent the whole scenario. I hated my husband for making it so difficult. I hated my lover for not appreciating me and I hated myself for getting myself all tangled up in it.

So instead of dealing with the conflict like a well adjusted person might, I decided to jump ship. I wanted to punish my husband. I needed to hate my lover because hating him meant I wouldnt' want to see him. And I continued to barage myself for being so ridiculous to think that I could "have my cake and eat it too". Months and months went by. I would receive the occasional text from my lover simply wanting to tell me he missed me and I would lash out about all the things HE did wrong. My husband would bring up my lover asking if I'd heard from him and I would recount all the ways I was so angry at all of us for being so stupid for thinking all that could have worked any other way.

All this anger stewed in me. That is, until I saw my lover. Normal life doesn't bring much occasion for us be together but life had brought him back into full view in a way that I couldn't avoid. We would be spending a significant portion of the summer in forced social contact. I had to see him every day. There was no avoiding him. There was no escaping his attentiveness toward me. There was no wall that I could build between us that would be inpenetrable enough to keep his gaze off me. I tried to text him saying "Please leave me alone", "Please respect my wishes." yet his attention on me continued.

I continued to hate him for all the ways he'd wronged me. Until, that is, the day he brought a woman along to an event we were both needing to attend. I felt all of it. I felt jealousy. I felt anger. I felt weak. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted....I wanted him back.

Later that night I talked to my husband about how hard it was to see my lover with another woman. How it angered me but how it also hurt like no other. My husband comforted me, dried my tears while I grieved the loss of someone I felt so strongly for. I realized that all the months that I hated my lover and was angry with him for things he didn't even know about that that anger was just the flip side of the passion he and I had created over the several months we were together. It was just misdirected. When you spend months in magnetic passion, that energy just doesn't go away. I had just flipped it to something ugly so I could deal with his absence.

So, yes. Open relationships aren't squeaky clean. There are feelings. There are misdirected emotions. There is jealousy and insecurity. But there is love and passion and sexual fulfillment...more of which will be detailed in another post.

Thank you for reading my story. My truth.

[trdd]

Very nicely written. I like it when people share the difficulties with these endeavors and you did it so well. Do you feel like you could empathize with your husband's insecurities at all? Or did the strain you were feeling overwhelm that?

[john jasson]

Thank you. Most insightful.

I take issue with this: People in open relationships who say they do not deal with jealousy and insecurity at some level are lying. They just are.

Perhaps we are lucky, but we never have and I'm not lying. Despite some pretty heavy scenes over the years, we have managed our emotions. I know that she can't just fuck in cold blood. She needs to feel a connection with a lover, and that connection might need to be stronger than I am comfortable with. I would never try to call a halt though, because it would be too unfair on her. I encouraged her to do this. Yes, she enjoys it, but without my encouragement I know that she would have been entirely monogamous. We are the closest couple you could imagine. Anyone who knows us would be shocked to the core that we do this. We consider it something that we are doing together for our mutual excitement. It isn't an individual enterprise on her part and we have 100% faith in each other.

If it went wrong in some way, then we never had what we think we have in the first place. Maybe we live in a fool's paradise, but I am saying that the worst will never happen. We know that our bond is strong enough never to be undermined by a third. The pleasure we have both had from hotwifing over the years is among our very greatest and most treasured life experiences.