Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[Lookingforadventure]

Dear VHWs, second question in quick succession.

I’ve bought my wife vibrators and dildos in the past and she said she uses them but I suspect not. She’d never order them herself. I just like the idea of her pleasuring herself and maybe fantasizing about a lover. Question: ( and I know every woman is different) Would you consider your husband doing this to be a loving act or being controlling?

Is she interested in it? I think that will be the biggest factor.

If she's curious about sex toys or interested in more self pleasure, you could go online and look at toys together. Talk about ones that she thinks look fun or that she'd like to try, and follow her lead.

Sometimes my husband and I buy toys together, and that is always fun. Sometimes he buys me toys. I don't think of it as controlling...although if he buys me an extra large butt plug or something, I laugh at him for being "overly aroused" when he made the purchase. I rarely buy toys all on my own, but have done it before to surprise him for a birthday or anniversary. He always likes that.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

Dear VHWs, second question in quick succession.

I’ve bought my wife vibrators and dildos in the past and she said she uses them but I suspect not. She’d never order them herself. I just like the idea of her pleasuring herself and maybe fantasizing about a lover. Question: ( and I know every woman is different) Would you consider your husband doing this to be a loving act or being controlling?

It’s hard to comment on how another woman perceives any gift without having witnessed the relationship myself. I think part of my perspective here is that I have been a frequent masturbator ever since childhood, and I was always interested in objects (starting with hairbrush handles), and later toys, as part of those self-explorations. I think that every person deserves the pleasures they can find within their own body.

However, I also know that there are people, particularly women, who may have emotional hurdles attached to masturbation. Maybe it’s connected to general feelings of impurity or physical dirtiness, maybe it’s because they have a hard time relaxing into pleasure, maybe it’s because they’ve somehow associated sexuality only with partners.

Do I think gifting your wife toys with which to explore her own sexuality is controlling? Absolutely not. What is more important, though, is how she feels about masturbation and toys and pleasure, in general. Do you think you could bring up the topic with her? If she’s not sure what to do with the toys, you could offer to play with her and incorporate them into sex.

I think that one of the themes that you’ll see throughout women’s posts on this site is that we happy HWs and vixens are women who take control of our own sexual pleasure. Women who aren’t ready to do that are more likely to be going through the motions for their partner or for less healthy emotional reasons that have them focusing on their value as sex objects rather than sexual beings in and of themselves.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

Dear VHWs, how does your husbands little ( or big ) selfless acts of service to you make you feel? I know every ladies answers will be different, but how do you personally feel ? Farmgirl - always a good resource - has kind of commented on it in the past.

As for this question—My husband and I are very generous with each other in and out of the bedroom. Each of us has done things for the other that might be termed “acts of service”—like taking over chores or childcare that usually is the other partner’s so that they can get some extra sleep when they’ve been working hard. Maybe handling both kids for stretches of time that would ordinarily be shared so that our partner can have alone time, pursue a hobby, or enjoy another partner.

It makes us feel loved and cared for as a person rather than just as a person whose work is appreciated.

However, I have also heard of women who have unhealthy relationship or family histories who view such acts as banking up points for favors or to make up for wrongs (real or imagined). If you suspect that your partner feels this way, it might be worth pointing it out and asking to discuss this misperception.

[long4her]

Dear VHWs, is there a non-sexual thing that your husband does for you that simply makes your day? My wife is on her feet all day long, so when I rub my wife’s feet with hot oil first thing in the morning before she gets out of bed, she is so much happier than when I didn’t. I swear she grows 2 inches taller.

Any pointers are very much appreciated.

PS. Even though I’m a Wannabe I only got really into giving my wife regular,great foot rubs since I broached the hotwife LS with her, and she didn’t shoot it down. There seems to be a connection between Hotwifing ( or the dream of it ) and a wish to serve her and make her happy

long4her,
A woman's feet are a sexual thing . I know well the sexual power of a woman's feet.

Non-sexual service is one of the things that I love, that I appreciate. Even non-sexual service though has a sexual component to it, it makes me want sex .
It's as simple as doing more than your share of the daily chores, it frees her up to have time and energy for sex, for her mind to desire sex.

Great advice Farmgirl. I sent my wife to do a few of her favorite things this morning and I’m cleaning the house while she’s gone.

I can’t speak for everyone but I could really have used the advice of some from-the-shoulder ladies like the VHWs when I was 20 (30,40…. ).

[long4her]

Dear VHWs, this is the million dollar question that has no doubt been asked before, but do remember the conversation with your husband where he convinced you or you agreed to take the plunge into this lifestyle? Again, every woman is different, but what did he say that finally made you see the benefit all around? Or was it an ongoing process of open communication?

Thanks in advance.

[long4her]

Dear VHWs, are any of you in a FLR relationship and if so does your husband maintain his masculinity to all outside observers? I like the idea of service but I don’t want to be less of a man in my wife’s eyes.

[2inUPMichigan]

Dear VHWs, this is the million dollar question that has no doubt been asked before, but do remember the conversation with your husband where he convinced you or you agreed to take the plunge into this lifestyle? Again, every woman is different, but what did he say that finally made you see the benefit all around? Or was it an ongoing process of open communication?

Thanks in advance.

It was definitely an ongoing conversation for us. When he first brought up the subject I flat out refused! He gave me the space and the time to think about it but was there and present every time I wanted to bring up the subject on the spot.

It was nothing that he said, it was a decision that I had to come to in my mind. I had to reconcile the way I saw myself with that of being a hotwife. Being a hotwife did not match with my previous image of myself as a monogamous married woman.

Being a hotwife to me meant accepting myself as a non-monogamous hotwife and no longer considering myself a monogamous married woman. That is a huge mental switch!

I had thought of myself one way for 20 years and this is the way I had expected our marriage to continue for the rest of our lives. The question about having sex with someone else was just part of the question. The bigger part was could I make that mental switch? Could I change everything I had ever thought about my role as a wife? What would I think about myself if I did this?

Yes it was an ongoing conversation, but it was also an ongoing struggle within myself.

[R_H_NC]

Dear VHWs, this is the million dollar question that has no doubt been asked before, but do remember the conversation with your husband where he convinced you or you agreed to take the plunge into this lifestyle? Again, every woman is different, but what did he say that finally made you see the benefit all around? Or was it an ongoing process of open communication?

Thanks in advance.

It was definitely an ongoing conversation for us. When he first brought up the subject I flat out refused! He gave me the space and the time to think about it but was there and present every time I wanted to bring up the subject on the spot.

It was nothing that he said, it was a decision that I had to come to in my mind. I had to reconcile the way I saw myself with that of being a hotwife. Being a hotwife did not match with my previous image of myself as a monogamous married woman.

Being a hotwife to me meant accepting myself as a non-monogamous hotwife and no longer considering myself a monogamous married woman. That is a huge mental switch!

I had thought of myself one way for 20 years and this is the way I had expected our marriage to continue for the rest of our lives. The question about having sex with someone else was just part of the question. The bigger part was could I make that mental switch? Could I change everything I had ever thought about my role as a wife? What would I think about myself if I did this?

Yes it was an ongoing conversation, but it was also an ongoing struggle within myself.

Is the struggle resolved? Of course I know it is to some extent, but I guess I wonder if it ebbs and flows. I often think HW husbands have that issue. I am fairly certain I would.

[Adabel]

Dear VHWs, this is the million dollar question that has no doubt been asked before, but do remember the conversation with your husband where he convinced you or you agreed to take the plunge into this lifestyle? Again, every woman is different, but what did he say that finally made you see the benefit all around? Or was it an ongoing process of open communication?

Thanks in advance.

It was definitely an ongoing conversation for us. When he first brought up the subject I flat out refused! He gave me the space and the time to think about it but was there and present every time I wanted to bring up the subject on the spot.

It was nothing that he said, it was a decision that I had to come to in my mind. I had to reconcile the way I saw myself with that of being a hotwife. Being a hotwife did not match with my previous image of myself as a monogamous married woman.

Being a hotwife to me meant accepting myself as a non-monogamous hotwife and no longer considering myself a monogamous married woman. That is a huge mental switch!

I had thought of myself one way for 20 years and this is the way I had expected our marriage to continue for the rest of our lives. The question about having sex with someone else was just part of the question. The bigger part was could I make that mental switch? Could I change everything I had ever thought about my role as a wife? What would I think about myself if I did this?

Yes it was an ongoing conversation, but it was also an ongoing struggle within myself.

Exactly what 2inup said. We have been married 10yrs and I expected to stay monogamous. Was definitely an ongoing conversation. It took a while to wrap my mind around it. Hubs was very understanding and was there every time I asked questions. Sometimes I would ask the same question multiple times. He never once got mad or frustrated and would answer it the same. If he didn't have an answer he would think about it and come back with one.

Using it as fantasy helped as well, knowing it really did turn him on and not just wanting to open the door for him to have relations with other women. Knowing he was fine with that and still wanted me to go through with it. I also worried about him seeing me differently, so his assurance that he wouldn't was also what helped.

I don't play unless he is there with me. He would like to just watch as well, but so far we have only done MFM since that was most of the time our fantasy. We are still new to all this only recently had our first. This way I can see that he is fine with it and wants me to continue, I don't feel like I'm cheating on him which helps me have peace about it.

[Dzs1653]

Partly due to my own history, I'm intrigued by the fact that so often in this forum, we hear of the entry into the hotwife lifestyle being initiated by the husband. Not to mention, husbands wanting tips on how to get her on board. In my situation, years ago, it was my (then) wife who told me she could no longer be monogamous. She also initiated a threesome with me and a male friend of mine. So my question is, are there any hotwives here who were the initiators? Why does this seem to be so rare?

[CurvyNerdMILF]

Partly due to my own history, I'm intrigued by the fact that so often in this forum, we hear of the entry into the hotwife lifestyle being initiated by the husband. Not to mention, husbands wanting tips on how to get her on board. In my situation, years ago, it was my (then) wife who told me she could no longer be monogamous. She also initiated a threesome with me and a male friend of mine. So my question is, are there any hotwives here who were the initiators? Why does this seem to be so rare?

While I think it might have been my husband who first shared the fantasy and emphasized that he really wanted a threesome with a man rather than with a woman, I already had the same desire. But I would always emphasize that it was “just a fantasy.” Last year, we started to talk about how I might be willing to try it out on a vacation in a different city, without the kids around and surrounded by strangers—but with COVID, that obviously wasn’t in the table. Then earlier this year, we talked about opening our marriage when the kids were out of the house.

Starting this winter, I had a bit of a midlife crisis, and by June, I’d started to realize that our marriage was going was going to accumulate more resentment and emotional distance if it stayed monogamous. It ended up being me who suggested we not wait to try out ENM. And my husband agreed.

[Adabel]

Partly due to my own history, I'm intrigued by the fact that so often in this forum, we hear of the entry into the hotwife lifestyle being initiated by the husband. Not to mention, husbands wanting tips on how to get her on board. In my situation, years ago, it was my (then) wife who told me she could no longer be monogamous. She also initiated a threesome with me and a male friend of mine. So my question is, are there any hotwives here who were the initiators? Why does this seem to be so rare?

One night the hubs asked me what my most fantasy was and I told him 2 guys with me. Now this was just a Fantasy I never thought or intended for it to become reality. If I wasn't drunk, I probably wouldn't have told him that. This happened in March 2020.

Around November of 2020 is when he told me he really wanted me to go through with it. Now like I said earlier it was just a Fantasy to me. Since I had brought it up earlier that year we had used it as bedroom play together and had very very hot sex.

I still had to go through all the mental things of wrapping my head around it and making sure he was positive. So we just went through with it recently. So it took us awhile but we got here.

[SSQ]

Dear VHWs, how does your husbands little ( or big ) selfless acts of service to you make you feel? I know every ladies answers will be different, but how do you personally feel ? Farmgirl - always a good resource - has kind of commented on it in the past.

Everyone has a receptive Love language and it may not match the way they show love.

Acts of Service is the number one way to my heart, when it's genuine. It's why I prefer connections with partners who are pleasers. They can also be sexy acts of service. I love it when my partners cook for me naked

[SSQ]

Dear VHWs, are any of you in a FLR relationship and if so does your husband maintain his masculinity to all outside observers? I like the idea of service but I don’t want to be less of a man in my wife’s eyes.

OMG. A man is not less of a man if he is in a FLR. Period.

That being said, you can't just decide you're in a FLR. It's something that has to be actively negotiated. If she isn't interested/aroused by it, then yes, she's likely going to feel that you aren't pulling your weight by nature of deferring to her. You're forcing her to do all the mental load nonconsensually. Not ok.

We are in a 24/7 FLR. You're talking about outside observers... how exactly do you think it works? This isn't porn- it's living. The things we do in public that are meaningful to us, no one else would even notice, I'm sure.

[SSQ]

Partly due to my own history, I'm intrigued by the fact that so often in this forum, we hear of the entry into the hotwife lifestyle being initiated by the husband. Not to mention, husbands wanting tips on how to get her on board. In my situation, years ago, it was my (then) wife who told me she could no longer be monogamous. She also initiated a threesome with me and a male friend of mine. So my question is, are there any hotwives here who were the initiators? Why does this seem to be so rare?

*waves* Hi

I suspect societal conditioning, unfortunately.

[Badgercouple69]

Posted this on Reddit but didn’t get any advice.

Last week, I mentioned to my wife that I’d like to focus only on pleasing her for the next few weeks (ie I go down on her and she doesn’t need to reciprocate). While I didn’t call out denial, it’s kinda what I implied.

Fast forward to today and she mentions to me that we can have sex but only if I wear a condom (we haven’t used a condom in 10+ years). And that sex will be on her terms - positions, duration, porn we watch, etc. What’s super hot about all this is that she came up with it on her own. I didn’t bring anything up about me wearing a condom or her taking control of what we do. She’s aware of my cuckold/hotwife fantasy and I’m starting to wonder if she’s slightly opening up to it. Since bringing up my fantasy over a year ago, she usually brushes it off and says she things like we wouldn’t actually do it.

Thoughts on all this? Might the door be slightly open?

[SSQ]

Posted this on Reddit but didn’t get any advice.

Last week, I mentioned to my wife that I’d like to focus only on pleasing her for the next few weeks (ie I go down on her and she doesn’t need to reciprocate). While I didn’t call out denial, it’s kinda what I implied.

Fast forward to today and she mentions to me that we can have sex but only if I wear a condom (we haven’t used a condom in 10+ years). And that sex will be on her terms - positions, duration, porn we watch, etc. What’s super hot about all this is that she came up with it on her own. I didn’t bring anything up about me wearing a condom or her taking control of what we do. She’s aware of my cuckold/hotwife fantasy and I’m starting to wonder if she’s slightly opening up to it. Since bringing up my fantasy over a year ago, she usually brushes it off and says she things like we wouldn’t actually do it.

Thoughts on all this? Might the door be slightly open?

None of us know your wife. Have you tried being an adult and actually using your words? I'll never understand why we see stuff like this so often. This person is supposed to be the one you're closest to in the world, and you're asking internet strangers to guess what their behaviour means. Just talk to her!

[Littletime]

So my wife and I are brand new at this. We were suppose to have our first encounter this weekend but covid struck him. We are wondering has anyone had just one encounter and stop altogether? Wondering how hard is it to stop.

[Farmgirl]

Dear VHWs, are any of you in a FLR relationship and if so does your husband maintain his masculinity to all outside observers? I like the idea of service but I don’t want to be less of a man in my wife’s eyes.

My husband and I have been in an FLR for several years of our marriage.
We have a real FLR, not a fantasy one or a femdom one. Of course, he maintains all of his masculinity. Not only to me but to anyone that sees him or knows him. My husband was a warrior, a Sargent of Marines, a rancher, and a leader in our community.
Most of the stuff you read about FLR's is like the stuff you read about Hotwives and their husbands, just a bunch of fantasy BS not even close to the reality of either.

[Farmgirl]

So my wife and I are brand new at this. We were suppose to have our first encounter this weekend but covid struck him. We are wondering has anyone had just one encounter and stop altogether? Wondering how hard is it to stop.

It would depend on the woman and her views of herself. Some women just do this for their husbands, so it would be easy for them to stop. Others might see it as just a fun role to play, so again easy to stop.
I and those like me made a change in who we are and how we see ourselves. I am no longer a monogamous wife, I am a non-monogamous woman. It is who I am, and it would mean killing off a part of me to stop.

[4herpleasure89]

So my wife and I are brand new at this. We were suppose to have our first encounter this weekend but covid struck him. We are wondering has anyone had just one encounter and stop altogether? Wondering how hard is it to stop.

It would depend on the woman and her views of herself. Some women just do this for their husbands, so it would be easy for them to stop. Others might see it as just a fun role to play, so again easy to stop.
I and those like me made a change in who we are and how we see ourselves. I am no longer a monogamous wife, I am a non-monogamous woman. It is who I am, and it would mean killing off a part of me to stop.

Well said as always and my wife’s view as well.

[oompaloompa]

So my wife and I are brand new at this. We were suppose to have our first encounter this weekend but covid struck him. We are wondering has anyone had just one encounter and stop altogether? Wondering how hard is it to stop.

It would depend on the woman and her views of herself. Some women just do this for their husbands, so it would be easy for them to stop. Others might see it as just a fun role to play, so again easy to stop.
I and those like me made a change in who we are and how we see ourselves. I am no longer a monogamous wife, I am a non-monogamous woman. It is who I am, and it would mean killing off a part of me to stop.

Out of curiosity, in your opinion is there anything that a husband can do or say that helps promote that change?

[Farmgirl]

So my wife and I are brand new at this. We were suppose to have our first encounter this weekend but covid struck him. We are wondering has anyone had just one encounter and stop altogether? Wondering how hard is it to stop.

It would depend on the woman and her views of herself. Some women just do this for their husbands, so it would be easy for them to stop. Others might see it as just a fun role to play, so again easy to stop.
I and those like me made a change in who we are and how we see ourselves. I am no longer a monogamous wife, I am a non-monogamous woman. It is who I am, and it would mean killing off a part of me to stop.

Out of curiosity, in your opinion is there anything that a husband can do or say that helps promote that change?

It helps to be the husband she needs, not the husband you think you are. She needs to feel cherished and fully supported, many wives worry that their husbands won't be able to handle it if she should decide to try it. If you don't make her feel secure, she will not want to risk her marriage for something that could harm it.
Talk to her, explain your feelings in a way that she can understand. Be confident, if you're not confident, how can you expect her to be. Do your homework, be prepared for any questions she might have.
Even with those things, she will still have to decide if she wants to make the change in how she sees herself.

[Potentialstagvixen]

What a great forum! My wife and I have been married for a very long time. She has a very religious background but also has a freaky side. We have been discussing this for a long time and I’ve been trying very hard not to push. For several years now it’s just been a an appetizer and I’m resolved that this will probably be it and I’ve come to grips with it. BUT, she threw me a big curve the other day!
She said she would do it - definitely do it, but she is afraid that she might end up resenting me. She doesn’t know why but she is fearful this may happen. I asked her if she felt pressured and she said “not anymore, I did at first. But I would definitely do it if I could be assured I would t resent you.” We talked it over as I am concerned she feels pressured, but she assured me she doesn’t and she is working through this issue.
It was kind of a buzzkill for me as I’ve been so patient and really tried to keep her interests as number 1. So twofold question here. Have any hot wives felt the same as her? Was there anything that happened that got you over the hump?
Thanks for all your efforts trying to make sense out of this lifestyle!

[HeatherJean]

Dear VHWs, second question in quick succession.

I’ve bought my wife vibrators and dildos in the past and she said she uses them but I suspect not. She’d never order them herself. I just like the idea of her pleasuring herself and maybe fantasizing about a lover. Question: ( and I know every woman is different) Would you consider your husband doing this to be a loving act or being controlling?

I think you need to look deep down at why you got her the toys in the first place.... For her pleasure or for yours "I just like the idea of her pleasuring herself and maybe fantasizing about a lover."

Another thought:
It sounds to me that you might want to know when she uses them (it's a turn on for you). You could ask her to tell you right after the next time she uses it. Then if she does, take her in your arms and tell her she's so beautiful or something very rewarding for her. Or maybe even offer to cook dinner. Hahaha