Needing advice for a decision

[Brute]

Not all women are cut out to be hotwives, your wife seems to be a one man kind of woman, and right now you are not the man. One of the problems you may face is that living with a man and not having intercourse may cause a woman to view the act as revulsive with her co-habitant, it will require work to get the sex life turned back on at home. It is just not a good idea to let the BF become the primary relationship, unless you are looking for a cuckold situation.

Right now your marriage is being held together by the children and financial support it provides on the one side; on the other her partner’s sickly wife prevents him from making a full commitment to her. When/if she passes away, statistics say he will most likely dump your wife for greener pastures, but if not the chances are high your wife will leave you for him. If that happens in a no fault divorce state, she will take with her your children, house, savings and expect child support.

Both your wife and her lover are showing a tremendous amount of callousness and disrespect for you. I don’t care how sweetly she does it. Let’s be clear, her lover should be thrilled that he would have a woman to give him some physical intimacy on the side in his situation, that he expects you forgo sex with your own wife is just beyond the pale, it is truly pushing this into an abusive situation.

My advice is that you need to gently stand up for yourself and your family unit. You need to be the number one man in your wife’s life, and if she can’t handle sex with a side guy, she should stick to one, you.

[afagehi7]

Dumpster fire is just around the corner. Proceed with extreme caution.

I'd say that after her asking you to give up sex so she can be exclusive to him, it's high time for a lifestyle break where you two are monogamous to each other and he goes his own way. Reconnect as a couple and reevaluate nonmogonomy in 6 months to a year.

[CU4A2on1]

First off thank you for the transparency and being vulnerable to put your situation on the forum. Great advice through his thread and we all learn from the exchanges.

Agree there are some warning flags, but there are people who have taken this step in cuckolding and are perfectly happy as a couple. Only you two will know if you are included.

My wife has explored more intimacy with a FWB where we now call him a “lover” although at this point they are not in love or considered poly. He lives in another part of the country so right now I think they are as close as they can be emotionally with visits 3-4 times a year.

That being said, I’ve been fortunate and may retire early and we’ve discussed moving close to him so that they can be together whenever they feel like it and she can truly be shared. I told her that if she wanted to be exclusive with him for a period of weeks or months to further explore their intimacy and emotions, I would totally support that. Maybe an experience like that is what she’s asking or would enjoy?

best of luck to you and hope it turns out good for you, your wife and her lover.

[2inUPMichigan]

At the request of the OP this thread has been moved and the title changed in order to get additional comments to help him in his decision making.

Always best to get as much info as possible before making a permanent change.

[Lucky Dog]

When a cuckold couple chooses that the wife will be exclusive to her lover for vaginal sex, it is most often part of a change in their relationship where the lover is seen as being so much better sexually that the wife wants to give him this gift. Most often, the willing cuckold accepts that her feelings make it more exciting for him, too.

You never said that you feel more excited to have a wife who might reserve this type of intimacy for her lover. If you want to feel that you mean more to your wife sexually as well as emotionally, then her being exclusive to another man could be problematic. If you are willing to feel subservient to her or find that it's exciting to have a wife who does this, it could work.

[motivated hubby]

To be perfectly honest, I do find the thought of surrendering my right to penetrate my wife and giving that exclusive privilege to strictly between her and her lover very arousing. I won’t have any issues with not being The man that means more to my wife sexually as you stated in the PIV situation, but my true desire is to mean more to her emotionally. And what has been going through my mind is by giving this to her, it would be giving her something that no other man ever could. Like the ultimate gift that any man could ever give her and I would be the one who could give this to her, and no other man could ever compare. I guess that’s just what’s been going through my mind as far as the positive side and what is driving the desire for me to say yes to this decision, however there have been many other post it on here with the negative aspects of it. I have a lot of thinking to do. If anyone has any further insight or is in or Knows of a couple who is in a similar situation, I would be thrilled to know your take on things. Once again thank you very much for everyone taking the time to offer your insight and opinions. It means a very great deal to me.

[Lookingforadventure]

You asked for some advice from the ladies on this site. I've been thinking about it but am still not sure I have good advice to offer. I can't see ever asking my husband to make that sort of sacrifice (in fact, I can't imagine wanting it).

I do want to say that it sounds like you and your wife really love each other. The way you talk about wanting her happiness, and her explanation to you that she will accept whatever answer you give, show me that level of commitment you have to each other. That is wonderful.

I also appreciate the responses from the community. They are clearly "team husband" in this situation and want to caution you about the dangers of this decision. I love that supportive community being there for you.

What's missing for me is your wife's perspective on how this impacts you. I wonder if you and she need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about this. It sounds like you've talked about why she is asking for this, but I'm not sure you've shared with her your concerns and feelings. Do you miss having a more active sex life with her? Are you willing to give up PIV sex going forward? Do you legitimately fear that making this change to your relationship will harm your marriage in the long run? What might you need from her to ensure that your relationship is still important and secure? If you figure out your feelings and then communicate about them with her, I think you'll be better able to make a decision.

[R_H_NC]

I will attempt to refrain from offering advice as you have specifically for advice from the OHW wives.
I do ask you to consider a few of points with regard to what you have posted.

- You stated that the reduction in instances of PIV with your wife started since your wife ‘and her lover began the relationship’.

Do you think there is a connection between these two facts?

She obviously enjoys PIV with her lover. Is it safe to assume she enjoys it more with him than you, given the reduction in PIV with you?

You never answered the question of who suggested the ‘condition’ or ‘gift’? Your wife or her lover?

- Both your wife and her lover have stated that they will respect your wishes with regard to this request.

How much do you believe that will actually be respected? Not saying they don’t mean the words, just ask yourself, knowing them, will they actually be able to hold to this agreement? Well, for practical purposes the true question is……..will you wife willingly allow PIV (and sincerely participate and enjoy) with you if you decline their request?

- You mentioned that the evolution of your sexual life involves ‘lying naked and kissing and cuddling holding each other, (you) performing oral upon her and then she and (you) focusing together on my masturbation.

Does she perform oral on you? Does she perform oral on her lover? If the answers to that are no and yes, she already has ‘a gift’ she is giving to her lover exclusively.

- The chances are sadly that his wife will pass sooner than later.

What do you envision their relationship will be beyond her providing comfort to him in the immediate aftermath of the wife’s death?

I know you have stated in various ways that your wife has stated and you believe she wants to stay with you and will never leave. I feel the distinct possibility is that she is sincere when she says that.

In the beginning of the journey to the lifestyle she was against it. Probably pretty intensely based on input from other HW’s here on OHW. Over time, ‘she started to warm to the idea’. So, she had a sincere position and mindset at one point and changed that over time. A pretty human trait. Could that happen again? Make sure you consider all the facts of the situation, not just what is being said. For instance, she is in love with her lover. That alone is a pretty big fact.

Ok, I lied, I am going to offer advice.
During all future conversations on this topic, do it fully clothed and in a non-sexual location (such as the kitchen). Do it while not touching each other.

Good luck and please update us as to developments. Obviously many here are concerned and invested in the success of your relationship.

[unclecuck]

My opinion is.
if this i what you always wanted, then sure go for it.
surely this is something that i would not agree or do.
she wants this as a gift. and he want this as a gift.
what gift? you already gave then a big gift. he gets your wife whenever he want, you are willing to share your wife with him, this is the biggest gift any man can give. and the same for her, she is allowed to love someone else alongside with you. that's a huge gift.

[Gerrymander321]

No no no no no no no!
Advice is don’t do it. Never do that it’s risky enough you allowed them to fall in love.
I implore you not to do this.
That being said, I am fairly certain you will. Throughout each of your posts you seem to be talking yourself into it and kind of preemptively justifying it.
You are her husband man. You’ve given this other man ENOUGH. You really have given him MORE THAN ENOUGH.
GOOD LUCK.

[Celesissy]

You’ve already given one enormous very special thing in allowing your wife to have sex with her lover (for that’s what he is). Now they want one more special thing, to bar you from having sex with your wife.

Unless you particularly want to be a cuckold, I can’t imagine why you would agree to it. If you do then go-ahead, but be prepared to be ditched once his wife dies. It sounds as though your decision might be irrelevant anyway - and that whatever you decide your wife and lover will do whatever they want in due course, no matter what she promises to you.

[motivated hubby]

Yes we still perform oral on each other. Not every time, but frequently. Apologies for the short reply, but my reception here is so bad I don’t even know if this will post.

[Christinebitg]

I don't fit the description of who you've said you want to hear from. But after reading the various posts, I'd like to add my two cents worth.

First, it sounds to me like you're eventually going to get cut off from penetration anyway. Even if you don't agree to it now. That's something you may want to consider.

There are worse things. Some people have the feeling that penetrative sex is the ultimate intimacy between two people. For some people, it is. For others, it's not. You might want to think about what your own personal feelings are on that subject.

Try to identify your own opinions and feelings on it. Not those of your wife, and not those of her boyfriend. Your own. That can be more challenging than it might seem at first blush.

Perhaps you might choose to reply to her that you don't want to agree to that now, but rather, that it may be gradually going away on its own, and that you don't want to rush that.

I don't recall seeing how old each of you is, although there can be some inferences drawn, considering that there is at least one child that the two of you have. As you get older, penetration may gradually become less significant for you. It has for me. (I'm 68.) For us, penetration stopped more than five years ago. She does not have a steady boyfriend, but occasionally gets together with guy friends who she is fuck buddies with. Occasionally for this means a few times in a year.

I also want to echo one of the issues that one of the women responded with. That is, what happens when his wife passes away? Will your wife want to live with him full time? His wife might not pass away until after your offspring leave your own nest. What then?

And while that might seem like the ultimate betrayal if it comes to pass, you might want to keep an open mind about that. Here at our house, we discussed that possibility years ago -- that she might want to live with a man she had been dating. It was a hypothetical discussion only; she didn't have someone in mind.

The more I have thought about that possibility, the more I have come to accept it, even perhaps welcome it. There are some circumstances right now that would cause me to want to put it off for the time being, but that's a separate issue.

[motivated hubby]

I don't fit the description of who you've said you want to hear from. But after reading the various posts, I'd like to add my two cents worth.

First, it sounds to me like you're eventually going to get cut off from penetration anyway. Even if you don't agree to it now. That's something you may want to consider.

There are worse things. Some people have the feeling that penetrative sex is the ultimate intimacy between two people. For some people, it is. For others, it's not. You might want to think about what your own personal feelings are on that subject.

Try to identify your own opinions and feelings on it. Not those of your wife, and not those of her boyfriend. Your own. That can be more challenging than it might seem at first blush.

Perhaps you might choose to reply to her that you don't want to agree to that now, but rather, that it may be gradually going away on its own, and that you don't want to rush that.

I don't recall seeing how old each of you is, although there can be some inferences drawn, considering that there is at least one child that the two of you have. As you get older, penetration may gradually become less significant for you. It has for me. (I'm 68.) For us, penetration stopped more than five years ago. She does not have a steady boyfriend, but occasionally gets together with guy friends who she is fuck buddies with. Occasionally for this means a few times in a year.

I also want to echo one of the issues that one of the women responded with. That is, what happens when his wife passes away? Will your wife want to live with him full time? His wife might not pass away until after your offspring leave your own nest. What then?

And while that might seem like the ultimate betrayal if it comes to pass, you might want to keep an open mind about that. Here at our house, we discussed that possibility years ago -- that she might want to live with a man she had been dating. It was a hypothetical discussion only; she didn't have someone in mind.

The more I have thought about that possibility, the more I have come to accept it, even perhaps welcome it. There are some circumstances right now that would cause me to want to put it off for the time being, but that's a separate issue.

Dancer your question, I don’t believe my wife would leave me to go live with him if his wife passed away. She has already assured me that I am her husband and she is not going anywhere for any reason under any circumstances. Yes I understand the possibilities that things can always change in the morning as I have a been given. But I really failed to see what not having PIV Any longer really has anything to do with his wife passing away and what may happen at that point. Whatever what happen I am assuming what happen whether my wife and I continued PIV or not. She has a shirred me time and time again throughout this whole thing then I am her husband and then we are always going to be married and together no matter what may transpire between her and another man. Yes I know that promises can be broken, but in a marriage I always feel that trust and faith are two exceptionally important things otherwise if you don’t have both of those, you’re a marriage really have nothing. Unless I am missing something in your last message.?

I am 48, my wife is 58. We have young child together.

I am leaning more to declining her request, just in case anyone was curious, but I am still thinking about it very much because I want to of course make the best decision, not just the best decision everyone else feels is the best, but the best decision for us. Please keep Your opinions and insight coming on the thread. It is very much helping me shape my decision. Thank you very much for all that has been posted and all that will be.

[motivated hubby]

To be honest, it is a bit surprising. I went into this and I really truly thought that there would be at least a couple few married couples who were in this type of lifestyle dynamic. I guess the thought of this is more rare other happening than I previously had anticipated since I have not heard Of anyone here yet talking about a personal experience with this or any kind of positive insight. I am very thankful that I posted this question here and for all of you and the time you have taken to help me.

[R_H_NC]

But I really failed to see what not having PIV Any longer really has anything to do with his wife passing away and what may happen at that point. Whatever what happen I am assuming what happen whether my wife and I continued PIV or not.

I for one, included the mention of when the lover’s wife passes in my comment because the denial of PIV seems a possible indicative first step in replacing you. On the fringe of possibility but cannot and should not be dismissed out of hand. And, you are right, in the end whether you agree to the denial of PIV or not, that remains a possibility.

To be honest, it is a bit surprising. I went into this and I really truly thought that there would be at least a couple few married couples who were in this type of lifestyle dynamic. I guess the thought of this is more rare other happening than I previously had anticipated since I have not heard Of anyone here yet talking about a personal experience with this or any kind of positive insight. I am very thankful that I posted this question here and for all of you and the time you have taken to help me.

There are plenty of couples where various forms and degrees of denial are part of the lifestyle practiced but in every case the husband is a very willing participant and in many the denial is a fulfillment of his desire to begin with. I didn’t see that as your case from what you posted.

[BigHotMess]

Let's also call a spade a spade. There is a difference between treating you nicely and being nice. He is being nice because he has to, he cannot manipulate you being an asshole. The guy is cheating on his disabled wife. Nothing he says should be taken at face value because he's already broken the most important promise in his life. Just because it's a difficult promise to keep doesn't absolve him from breaking it. Lots of difficult decision are made every day by people. If they are of good character or not is largely what positions their decisions.

[desertsub]

From what you describe, it seems that you and your wife have the same strong, loving commitment to each other that my wife and I have. My wife has an ex-boyfriend that she had sex with whenever he came to visit and she admitted that she still had strong feelings for him and cared deeply for him. At the same time she reassured me that he could never take my place as her husband. He eventually got married and she was happy for him but she didn't pine for him or anything like that. She even still cares for him and wishes him nothing but the best.

She didn't become exclusive with him when they were having sex, he lived too far away and they only saw each other about once a year. She did lock me in chastity when she started to cuckold me with him, and severely limited my access to any PIV sex with her. She also had sex with other guys too, and still does.

Since your description of you and your wife's deep commitment to each other sounded so much like ours I felt I might be able to give some insight to what your wife is proposing. At one point (when she locked me in chastity) my wife considered only having intercourse with other men and did so for a bit. It didn't last long, she told me that even though her sexual needs were being well taken care of, she found that she still wanted the intimacy of having me inside her from time to time. She started allowing me inside her on a very limited basis and decided that I would be allowed to enter her from time to time but I would not be allowed to cum inside her. Even that fell by the wayside eventually, and she started to let finish inside her on an even more limited basis, I could have intercourse with her when she felt the need to have me inside her, but I could only finish inside her at very special times that she would determine. These times have absolutely nothing to do with any holidays or anniversaries, I haven't been allowed to have intercourse with her at all for our last 4 wedding anniversaries. She says that she doesn't pre-plan it, it just happens when she gets an overwhelming feeling that she wants to give me something very special and allows me to ejaculate inside her. This usually only happens once or twice a year and there is absolutely nothing I can do to encourage it.

I think that like my wife, yours would eventually miss the feeling of intimacy she gets from having you inside her and want to experience that, even if only a few times a year. I personally don't think either one of you should agree to anything permanent, that is a very hard thing to maintain. Ask your wife if she would be willing to take PIV sex off the table for you on a trial basis, with the option of having that intimacy with you if she feels the need. Maybe she would consider the option of only allowing her lover to be the only one who cums inside her as her gift to him? I just don't see your being permanently being denied PIV sex with her as being a sustainable thing. It might work for a while but I don't think it would last.

[KevDi69]

Is something truly a gift if you have to ask for it? If I ask my wife to buy me XYX tool, it isn’t a gift to me if she buys it. It’s something she got for me because I asked. But, if she saw me checking out XYZ and got it for me as her idea, then it would be a gift.
You gave your wife (and her lover) a true gift by freely giving her the freedom to have lovers. Now they are asking for more but calling it a ‘gift’ because that sounds nicer than a ‘request’.
If you go along with their request, what will they give you in return for your sacrifice? Anything? Would it satisfy a desire to be a denied cuckold? (Nothing wrong if that’s what you want.) Maybe they will give you a gift of PIV sex on special occasions. Is there a chance that at some point he might be worried that your wife will allow you inside and he or her will want you caged to enforce your no PIV status? Would you be okay with that?
Good luck with your decision. You have a lot to think about.

[troilusand]

First, I give you a lot of respect for asking a question and then replying to the answers (a lot here don't)!

Second, no one here can describe their situation in the exact details of their lives by typing it out; so I believe you when you say your wife has your interests in mind too, even though others here seem skeptical. We all type out generalities of some sort or the other, so I don't parse your words for "telltale signs" of "trouble ahead".

Also, I'm presuming you are a cuckold as this is the forum you've chosen; if not, ask a mod to transfer this thread to the poly forum. You might get more people who understand a person can love more than one...

Now, for solutions:
Well, you've ruled out trying it on a trial basis, and that was my first advice.

Next, as a cuckold who intentionally weened himself from PIV so his wife could bond closer to her co-husband, in my experience, it wasn't very difficult. So keep that in mind...BUT, being cut off from pussy was something that fed my cuckold tendencies. I LIKED IT! My advice here is you can't do it for just them; you have to do it for you, too.

Regarding his notion of a wedding band: Have him buy her one for her RIGHT HAND. Have him inscribe it with their names and the date he gives to her. Hell, have a ceremony if they want. And if not that, choose something else that just they two share.

And most of all, DON'T feel obligated to have a decision by some arbitrary date (this weekend). Don't agree to this until you are certain! Tell her you HOPE to have a decision that soon; but in any case, "you'll have my decision when I'm ready to make it." If she wants the decision to be permanent, she must be patient. My wife, Cressida, told me when she was dating, not fucking, her soon-to-be co-husband that once she had sex with him there would be no going back. I couldn't use my veto on their relationship once they'd had sex. They didn't fuck until I was ready to make that commitment.

Keep us posted.

Troilus

[motivated hubby]

I have been thinking about a lot of this and considering everyone’s posts. I still haven’t made up my mind yet, but I have been wondering about approaching her with a compromise or at least something to delay my final decision.

I was thinking about not yet or at least telling her that I didn’t want to give up the right to penetrate her at least yet even though she wanted it to be something permanent either way because of all the flip-flopping I did early on when we were getting into the lifestyle.

I thought about approaching her with this idea: not giving up the right to penetrate her yet. And I still could as long as we both wanted to on whatever occasion that it may be, like we have been doing.

But maybe have it be that things continue with her boyfriend with he PIV and going Bare like he has been, but if she and I wish to PIV that I will wear a condom.

I don’t know, it was just some thing that came to my mind this afternoon. Does anyone have thoughts about this as a good compromise? So they could still have something exclusive and special between them, but I would not give up PIV entirely If I don’t want to. This way I can still have the traditional intimacy of PIV with her if we wish, but there could also be something exclusive and something special that strictly they share together. We may both be able to PIV with her, but it would only be his seed that would be inside her.

Apologies again for the graphic writings, I’m trying to be as respectful to the ladies as I can and still get the point across but I’m trying to make.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this? If I change my mind later and wish to give up my right to penetrate her I can, but at least this would be giving them something special that only they would share together.

Any thoughts?

[Celesissy]

The flaw with that is “as long as we both wanted to” (wish of course should always be the case anyway).

But she might never want to, being perfectly happy to deny you and restrict her favours to her lover, in which case, you’re back in the same situation.

[Bent_n_Twisted]

Although I have gone months and months without fucking, and a couple of times have gone for as much as 9 months locked up with just caged ruins for orgasms, I wouldn't want to 'agree' to a permanent restriction from PIV. Even when I'm not getting it, the *hope* that I might get it (at some point) keeps it 'hot'. If there was no hope, it wouldn't be [as much] fun, something would be lost.

Besides, I need to get it once in a while, if only to remind me of what I'm not getting on a regular basis. It makes it much 'hotter'.

[desertsub]

I think the condom option would be a good one for all 3 of you. That is very similar to what my wife and I have, only her lovers are allowed to cum inside her except for very rare times when my wife feels that I've earned the privilege. If it weren't for the fact that condoms irritate her and she doesn't like them because of it, I'm sure my wife would make me use a condom any time I entered her.

[troilusand]

But maybe have it be that things continue with her boyfriend with he PIV and going Bare like he has been, but if she and I wish to PIV that I will wear a condom.

I don’t know, it was just some thing that came to my mind this afternoon. Does anyone have thoughts about this as a good compromise? So they could still have something exclusive and special between them, but I would not give up PIV entirely If I don’t want to. This way I can still have the traditional intimacy of PIV with her if we wish, but there could also be something exclusive and something special that strictly they share together. We may both be able to PIV with her, but it would only be his seed that would be inside her.

Apologies again for the graphic writings, I’m trying to be as respectful to the ladies as I can and still get the point across but I’m trying to make.

Does anyone have any thoughts about this? If I change my mind later and wish to give up my right to penetrate her I can, but at least this would be giving them something special that only they would share together.

Any thoughts?

That's an excellent compromise. He's the only man on Earth that gets to inseminate her. Very exclusive (which means excluding you!) for them. And she can still limit your access to entry to her vagina even with a condom on.

Troilus