A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

I saw L last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I left work extra early as I had a feeling she might come. She was at the park when I arrived and she was just by herself, her mother wasn't there. It was good seeing her, and I could sense a few minutes of a bit of reconnecting before we kind of hit it off again. I think a bit of sussing out where we were first but I could feel her really warm up when she could see that nothing has changed from my side. Still very casual in a getting to know you phase, but I think we both had fun.

I didn't ask anything whatsoever about her brother mentioning a "partner", but she did say that she regretted being away so long (almost 2 weeks) because of being away from her dog so long. Lol, I know how she feels. She said she booked the trip over 6 months ago, before she even got her dog.

She mentioned seeing me in all the photos and videos that her mum took (I knew it!).

I asked when I'll see her next, and she said maybe not during the week but maybe Saturday. So I guess I'll just see her when I see her. I don't think it will be another 4 or 5 week wait this time though.

My poor other friends kind of got left out in the cold, I waved hi of course but I never even made it over to where they were. Only got halfway there, I went straight to L. They could obviously see that I was a little preoccupied. Another newish friend came later (I half suspect that maybe he somehow knows her family but probably not) and he didn’t come speak to me until about 20 minutes later. He said "I could see that you were deep in conversation and didn't want to interrupt". So yeah, I guess it's obvious to all that something is going on.

Oh, and as I was walking her to her car she was asking about my dog and whether she can walk OK since she's a little older now and had recovered from a major injury. I said yes and then L said that maybe she can even go hiking. So it seems like she's perhaps imagining some future activities that we can do. I had mentioned during our big discussion weeks back that I like being active and love being outdoors, so seems she's taken that on board and is thinking about maybe one day taking our dogs for a small trip hiking. A good sign I would say.

[newaussiecuck]

I think you've been given some great advice. Although a divorce might seem like an unpleasant experience and cause you to hold off, like pulling off a bandaid its better to get it over with. Meet with a lawyer. If you have your money in joint accounts, set up an account for just yourself so she doesn't clean you out. Continue with the counseling. After than it would be a good time to look at dating. Maybe setting up an online profile will be better than hoping you meet someone at the dog park. Even if L was single and interesting in dating, it's not a good time to be starting a new relationship. At the very least if you want to date getting to the point where you are separated and the papers have been filed would be the bare minimum. You need to be fully focused on dealing with your legal matters.

Thank you your input and great advice. I spoke to mum again late yesterday afternoon and I think she was relieved that I spoke to a councillor. She's come around more now to the idea of us separating. Better now than in 15 to 20 years time when I'm retired and can't rely on her or live with her. If you can't rely on her being there for you when you're having surgery or going to your father's funeral when can you rely on them? Under no circumstances (unless she was very ill) should I have had to get on that plane alone. Further proof was she declined to watch the video of his funeral afterwards with me when I returned. I asked her but she declined saying "It's too soon for you, we can watch it sometime later". I told the counsellor this and she said that she was just putting it back on me to make sure she doesn't look bad. She said that if I felt like watching it with her then she should have watched it with me, for me. The fact that I asked, she should have done it for me.

In regards to L, I do agree but maybe that horse has bolted. However, it looks like she's wanting to take things VERY slow and build a deeper connection before proceeding further. I think she's getting some great advice from her mum and family to be honest. They know I'm married and seem to be proceeding slowly and carefully with great caution. Right now we're not dating, just becoming friends with future potential of possibly more but no guarantees. I think I like this way, and I think it's good for me to have someone really nice to think about. Being able to picture a nice future is important for me, as I had really been unable to see anything but doom and gloom.

L may not be the one, and I may not even be ready for her yet, but just for now it's really great getting to know a new friend if that's all it becomes.

I realise that I probably got a bit carried away with thoughts of her, but being absent so long maybe fed into that. I actually feel really calm about it all now. It's all very casual with enough little nuggets thrown in of future potential. She just seems really nice, but confident enough to just be herself. I don't at all get the sense that she's trying hard to impress me or anything.

I also like that she's confident enough to slow things down and not let me get too carried away. When I was asking when I'll see her next, it was good that she didn't jump into suggesting we meet again really soon. It was a very casual maybe Saturday type thing. No firm plans to meet again, no contact details but she knows where to find me. I'll see her again.

[joel68]

If she knows you are married, that may be a problem. She possibly doesn’t want to come between you and your wife.

Also, relationships of this sort are common with guys saying they are separating, separated, getting divorced, etc., but really aren’t. We know you don’t fit that category, but she may be a little cautious. Just sayin.

Good luck going forward.

[newaussiecuck]

If she knows you are married, that may be a problem. She possibly doesn’t want to come between you and your wife.

Also, relationships of this sort are common with guys saying they are separating, separated, getting divorced, etc., but really aren’t. We know you don’t fit that category, but she may be a little cautious. Just sayin.

Good luck going forward.

Thanks for the input and well wishes Joel!

I 100% agree and she's absolutely right to proceed slowly and with caution. I would actually be very concerned and would probably put the brakes on myself if I felt she was rushing into something.

She 100% knows I'm married, but obviously knows something is up with that. We will be wanting to discuss this Elephant in the room before anything proceeds too far.

For now, we're just becoming friends and proceeding slowly and with caution.

Having said all of that, I think I mentioned once or twice before that in her culture my/our situation is kind of a bit common. So much so that a female workmate a few years ago (from same cultural background) took it upon herself to "warn" me about how it's a bit common in her culture for young ladies to go after married men around my age. Obviously her brother and mother are both across this also and seem to have given their blessings to at least proceed with caution. At the time I thought my marriage was great so the warnings were justified. If the marriage is finished though, and it seems everyone including the therapist agrees that it is, then this is a different scenario.

For now though, I'm just getting to know a nice friend.

[whosbeensleeping]

That's great news about seeing L. Glad you could water your parched soul.
Glad you have support and good counsel from the counselor. I like the idea of keeping a journal of things that happen and your thoughts about them. This will have to be kept in an unfindable spot. Keep on keeping on.

[joel68]

Good luck. Hope it works out without too much drama.

Some of the stuff about your wife that you shared with all of us to me is “Out there”.

[newaussiecuck]

Good luck. Hope it works out without too much drama.

Some of the stuff about your wife that you shared with all of us to me is “Out there”.

Thank you, and me too. I'm a fan of the saying "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best". So will plan accordingly.

Agreed, it's pretty well messed up all around. It does bring some relief to realise that maybe not everything is well with wife psychologically. Makes me feel less like I've done something wrong (I can't help to still feel a bit that way though). At the same time I do feel a bit more sorry for her in the sense that maybe she just can't help the way she's acted if she has some kind of disorder. The counsellor didn't disagree when I mentioned that I suspected she had something like narcissist personality disorder. Maybe that's when she took things really seriously and giving out the helpline numbers for me to call.

I'm still taking it all in a bit, I was left a bit shaken after the session.


An example that happened last night left me a bit stunned. Wife showed me a puzzle/riddle where you have 3 people, 2 apples and a knife. How do you make it so the apples are shared evenly with only 1 stroke of the knife?

My answer was you put one apple on top of the other and with 1 stroke of the knife you cut off 1/3rd off both apples. That way each of the 3 people gets 2/3rds of an apple each.

Her answer was a little different, and in the context of what I've been talking about, a bit frightening. It's hard to even write, but basically she suggested using the knife on one of the people so that 2 people get a whole apple each! Apparently about 6% of people give that answer. I half jokingly (but also a bit serious too) called her a psychopath and she laughed.

[joel68]

Whoa! I guess you never figured it would go down this road with her.

[newaussiecuck]

Whoa! I guess you never figured it would go down this road with her.

No, never in a million years. I guess I shouldn't read TOO much into her above comments but it does raise some questions that I have. There's been quite a few times (OK it's pretty often) where she'll do something completely opposite of what I want. The more I ask, beg, plead for her to do something (like the example of simply taking a 10 minute walk around the block with me that time), the more she'll just keep doing the opposite of what I wanted.

So yes, I do wonder if she does/did get some kind of sick enjoyment from playing with my emotions.

Another example is how for 2.5 nearly 3 years I did everything I could to get her off the computer and spend time with me. It's only AFTER I didn’t want to spend time with her anymore that she's now doing (again) the opposite of what I want. Trying to pull me back in when I just want to move on with my life.

So yeah, something's really not right with her.

This morning I left about 10 minutes earlier than normal to go to work (hoping to beat the traffic). She commented that I'm leaving early today and became really sullen. As if she thinks I left early to go meet with someone. Strange.

[whosbeensleeping]

Folks tend to suspect others of what they in fact are doing. :/

[newaussiecuck]

Folks tend to suspect others of what they in fact are doing. :/

Yup, what they're doing or have done. She's projecting her bad deeds onto me. Absolves her of the guilt or from having to face the reality of what she's done.

I guess she's been stewing for the morning and has now called me at work (interrupting my good mood) to ask for us to go out for dinner tonight. Sigh.

I need to make some legal inquiries/planning and exit plan before I can pull the pin. In the meantime, if I'm not sufficiently engaged/invested in our relationship she's going to push and pull until she's satisfied that I'm back on board.

If I keep resisting then I'll be forced into a position of having to prematurely exit before I'm ready.

[joel68]

I would bet it didn’t start out like it is now. A lot of women, including my ex, changed over the years. She became someone I didn’t even know at the end. Not that good of a person. At least that was my experience. But I heard the same story a number of times from other guys. And my stockbroker told me he had heard much of the same thing from guys he knew.

Go figure!

[whosbeensleeping]

Or maybe it's a tribute to the persistence of our rose-coloured glasses?
I know I often reflect on the red flags I choose to ignore.

[joel68]

Yeah, I would agree. There was certainly some of that in my case. Could have been not wanting to admit you made a mistake.

[newaussiecuck]

I would bet it didn’t start out like it is now. A lot of women, including my ex, changed over the years. She became someone I didn’t even know at the end. Not that good of a person. At least that was my experience. But I heard the same story a number of times from other guys. And my stockbroker told me he had heard much of the same thing from guys he knew.

Go figure!

I can look back now and see some signs but I can see she really changed from her online relationship. It seems like it was very toxic whoever she was talking to. Having said that, she was obviously busted in the first place or would have never done it.

[newaussiecuck]

Or maybe it's a tribute to the persistence of our rose-coloured glasses?
I know I often reflect on the red flags I choose to ignore.

Yes totally agree. I guess I put her on a pedestal and she could never do wrong in my eyes. How wrong I was.

[newaussiecuck]

Yeah, I would agree. There was certainly some of that in my case. Could have been not wanting to admit you made a mistake.

Even now it's hard to admit I made a mistake with her.

It's even hard to keep reminding myself I'm not just imagining it. It's tempting to just keep sweeping it under the rug and pretend it all didn't happen . . . . until the next time it happens.

When I look at L, I'm just struck by how normal she is in comparison to even how my wife was when I first met her. So yeah, there were warning signs very early that I didn't recognise for what they were.

[newaussiecuck]

It's probably a small thing, but the other day at the park L was walking away to the other side and turned around and calling my dog who ran over to her. It's a game she plays with my dog when I see her. As my dog is practically glued to my side most of the time, I really love seeing her running (especially after all her injury problems over last couple of years).

L said "It really makes me feel like I've accomplished something when she's running to me", since my dog hardly runs anymore. I mentioned how much I love to see her run and L said "I know, I can see how much your face lights up when she runs to me".

It's a small thing I guess, but it's really nice to hear how much joy that it brings to her by causing me to light up like that. That kind of thing is organic and can't be faked. I can see that it brings her natural happiness to see me happy, and it's real.

[newaussiecuck]

I was finally able to check what happened the day she stopped using the computer. As suspected, she only stopped because of the way I stopped her going to the park with me, and the way I told her that I'm not allowed to know who she's talking with on there. Basically she realised she was caught and stopped. She had an online texting sex session with her online woman the day before, and no indications of stopping or a break up until that moment.

I knew that was the case, but I guess I had to know. I don't know if it would have changed anything anyway, but knowing that she didn't stop on her own accord gives me greater clarity and certainty that moving on is the right thing. I just had this nagging feeling of "What if she saw the light and tried to come to me and I shut her down", but I now know with 100% certainty that wasn't the case.

I'm literally shaking all over with this final realisation/confirmation. It doesn't help that it's so cold here today, but my nerves are shot.

She got back onto her computer twice since that day, but nothing happened. However I can see that she did communicate with online woman a bit by using her phone, but seems like she got dumped after too long away from her computer. Seems her online person moved on and found someone else.

[newaussiecuck]

After the phone call yesterday morning at work when she suggested we go to dinner, we did end up going out to dinner last night, I went to keep the peace but I guess I wasn't too convincing.

In a delicious turn on events though, the cuisine that my wife chose for us to go to eat just happened to be from the exact same country of origin that L is from! So guess who I was thinking of while eating dinner! Yum!

This morning wife was very teary and crying, triggered by the way that I was cuddling with my dog. I think maybe she was jealous of my dog, or was imagining that I was cuddling with someone else I'm not sure. I guess the realisation is starting to hit her that she's lost me.

I noticed her quiet cries and sniffles of course but I kind of pretended that I didn't notice and I got up to make breakfast. I guess she had to make sure that I saw that she was crying as she not too long later came out to "help". After a bit I gave her a good long consolation type hug (hey I'm still a compassionate human) but I didn't say anything. There's nothing really that I can say.

It really sucks that I STILL have to feel bad when I've done nothing wrong and after all the hurt and pain she's caused me already.

[joel68]

Btw, if you split up, will you get the dog? I hope so!

[newaussiecuck]

Btw, if you split up, will you get the dog? I hope so!

I hope so too, but I pretty much know that her first move will be to claim possession of the dog. I will of course try and prevent that and it could end up being a custody battle over her.

I looked after her almost exclusively for 2 years while wife was deep into her online affair. I feel that at the very least that I should share 50/50 custody.

I fear that it might get pretty nasty. It's why I'm wanting to get some legal advice/things in place before making a move. It's pretty much the only reason why I'm still going through the motions.

The dog originally belonged to her mother before wife pretty much stole her from her own mother. She will feel like it's her dog, but I feel she's closer to me. I have been taking her to the dog park each day when wife was refusing to go no matter how much I pleaded her to go with me.

At the end of the day if I lose her then I'll just have to try and be at peace knowing that I've given her as great a life as I could.

L is very fond of her already, so it would really suck if I have to lose her.

Ultimately though, I can't stay in an abusive relationship because of fear of losing my dog.

[newaussiecuck]

Wasn't sure to write an update, maybe a blow by blow is a bit much for everyone. Will try and keep it a bit more light hearted.

Things went from all happy and roses to crazy upset the other morning when I went to work 10 minutes earlier than usual. Had the dinner and next morning was tears when I hugged the dog too long. This morning was more tears when I left for work. Another phone call today interrupting my work (4 calls within 10 minutes that I didn't answer). I called her back and apparently it was just about what to have for dinner. Really it was about her saying "I love you" and extracting that return from me. She actually asked "Do you love me".

She was like this last year when I went away to see my dad and she wouldn't come. She kept calling and bugging me. However it all stopped pretty soon after I got back and then she was back to the computer. I won't get sucked in again. Fool me twice shame on me.

It's getting a bit old and childish, and I'm well and truly over it.

[newaussiecuck]

Onto more pleasant things. Not sure if I will see L tomorrow or not as the weather looks really bad. Next time I see her though I'll tell her that I'm ready to take a small step forward and see her outside of the park, even if it's with a group of friends or her family (maybe just some other people from the park). That will be a HUGE step for me if I go off and do an activity with friends. I'm thinking of something like fishing or even just hiking like she suggested.

Basically I just want to signal my intentions to her that I want to be more than just dog park friends, but more importantly that I'm ready and willing to make waves at home in order to see her.

I feel that would be a good logical step forwards. An outing with a group of friends will keep things respectable, above board and in line with where we are currently at as for now we're just getting to know each other a bit. It will also be in keeping with the counsellor's recommendation that I need to prioritise making friends of my own. It should also be fun.

[whosbeensleeping]

The calling at work behaviour is a sign of and/or form of abuse. That is tough to deal with.
Bonne courage as the French say.