Raging emotions - First time coming up

[Powhound121]

Hi all,

Maybe this belongs in the wannabe forum as we haven't actually had an experience beyond my wife H going on a date and making out for a bit.

We've been roleplaying, talking, flirting, going through little challenges all building up to an actual experience which is quickly approaching. I plan to meet this other guy first then my wife a few days later just to see if we all get along.

As it gets closer to reality the anxiety, stress, etc are quickly building. I feel 'under threat' like the potential for my relationship to explode is impeding. My wife assures me our sex life is great and we don't have to go ahead with it but each day that passes seems to ramp up these feelings. It's not feeling sexy at all.

Should it? When I think about actually watching I don't get 'turned on' feelings but it feels more like eating really hot sauce or sky diving. Like I'm pressing the 'relational anxiety' button down as far as it will go just to feel it. Sometimes the idea is hot as it all the roleplaying and sex we have but now that there is an actual guy....and a large, younger one at that ready and willing to meet my wife I'm starting to freak out.

I have seen so many stories that end up in a place where the couple is closer with an improved sex life and some that crumble into flames. If this ends up costing my relationship I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

I guess I'm wondering if others have gone through this? Maybe I need more time and to go slower. It went from fantasy and just fooling around to that first date meetup pretty quickly.

Help!

[leggysman]

It sounds to me like your relationship will be fine. It sounds like you're both doing it for the same, good reason: to have some sexy fun.

Your wife and your marriage are unlikely to be ruined (or even changed permanently for the worse) by her experiencing another man. [ ... and you even get to be there -- spare a thought for those of us who were sitting at home with family when it happened for the first time! ]

Your job now, I think, is to try as hard as you can to relax. Trust her. Be excited for the truly unforgettable experience that's coming soon. It will be shocking in the moment, but also the hottest thing you've ever witnessed. When it's over, you'll both be giddy with excitement - together - and probably feel closer than ever. Believe in that, and look forward to it.

[leggysman]

The nerves are only natural, of course. But think of all the other times you've been nervous before trying something new that feels scary or dangerous. Jumping from a height, (or sure, skydiving), etc. And then remember how much fun it actually was, and how exhilarated you felt afterwards. It's like that.

[Powhound121]

Ha! I was at home for the first coffee date and makeout session at his house. When the message came through she was there and they had kissed it was a struggle to ask for more vs wanting her to come home right away the anxiety spiked so high.

[Powhound121]

The nerves are only natural, of course. But think of all the other times you've been nervous before trying something new that feels scary or dangerous. Jumping from a height, (or sure, skydiving), etc. And then remember how much fun it actually was, and how exhilarated you felt afterwards. It's like that.

I think this is what I'm trying to parse out...normal nerves or something else. It feels hard to know

[bbarnsworth]

There's truth in the idea that if you're _feeling_ like something is a really bad idea, it probably IS a bad idea. Take that into account. It's quite impossible for us to know your relationship well enough to be certain whether your relationship will be negatively or positively affected.

If the two of you have absolute trust and discuss your deepest thoughts with each other, without judgement and with absolute sincerity, there's probably (probably) little reason to be truly concerned.

The first time my wife went on a solo date, it was with a guy I'd seen her play with before (threesome). He was incredible for her. Absolutely toe-curling sex. That solo date...uhg. I was an absolute bag of nerves. Jealous? No, but nervous yes. As she was getting dressed in all her finery (lingerie, hosiery, dress, heels) I kept thinking to myself "the next time she'll be taking those things off will be with...him. And the nerves kept ramping up. When she left, it came up a big crescendo. I kissed her goodbye, and sent her on her way. The whole evening she was with him, I couldn't sit still. I tried to distract myself, and couldn't. Time absolutely crawled by...tick...tock...tick...tock...the little battery powered clock on the while chirped out ever agonizing second, as I knew she was having mind blowing sex with him.

When the time came for her to check in and let me know she was on the way home....silence. Nothing. Should I call? Should I text? What if they're still having sex? Am I interrupting them? Am I invading their moment? Am I making it worse for her? Uhg. I just couldn't do it. I waited, and waited, and waited what seemed an eternity. She finally called about 15-20 minutes late, and let me know she had an absolutely amazing time and was on the way home.

The next time? No worries. Not much in the way of nerves. All good.

Fast forward a few years, and she's going on a solo date with a guy I haven't met. This time, something felt a little off for me. I hadn't communicated with him or anything. I knew very little about him. Something was setting off my spidey sense and telling me this was wrong. About half an hour before she was supposed to leave, my wife got a contact from him telling her he'd have to delay a day, and would that be ok? My wife was bothered by that. We've never liked flakes. She'd already gone to a lot of trouble to get ready for her date with him, to have it come to naught. I told her my concerns, that were based on nothing concrete. She told me she had a very subtle sense of that too. So, we decided to pull the plug on that guy, and that was that. We both felt better about it.

So, two different scenarios with two different outcomes. I hope that helps.

[Powhound121]

It very much does help, in particular your experience while she was out on the solo date. That's exactly how I felt on her first date and that was coffee and kissing lol

[Natatude]

You’re just having some anxiety feelings. It will all be fine. I love my husband so much I can’t explain it, Even though I have to have some kind of feelings before I can’t get turned without any feelings at all. Our rules are, I get to pick the guy and chat with them, then we all 3 meet for dinner or drinks then grizzly and I decide if we like him, then we will have another date for sex and a threesome. If they don’t want to allow grizzly to participate I won’t see them. Grizzly I straight and I get it some guys are weirded out but this is how we want it, so they do what we want or they can move on. But never would we end up broken up over it. We love each other too much as I am sure you two are as well!! Good luck! 🥰

[leo-cpl]

It's very common and normal to feel these things, this kind of anxiety also helps you stay alert IMO. It's best to take baby steps just to have to time to communicate what you wanna try and what's completely off the table. Baby steps will also help you weed out fakes/flakes.
When we started out I used to sweat profusely when meeting new guys and we ended up meeting guys 2-3 times casually before we played, eventually with experience and time you get comfortable and sorta know the drill. It is important to focus on what kind of experience you guys are looking for and also to find the right guy who knows his role and her comfort zones.
Don't overthink, enjoy this part of the journey too Good Luck. Have fun

[Dutch cuckold]

It's very difficult in the beginning, I had what you have now. Strangely enough i which I could go true that again..

Slow things down if that's what you need, you have time.

If you keep your nerves under control and stay kind to her the relationship with her will definitely deepen if you keep talking to each other, that is. Also many thrills and pleasures lay ahead for you both.

The comments placed here above are really nice and beautiful by the way, that's just great.

[BT2]

You have read some good advice here, but also remember that the people with bad experiences no longer frequent this forum. What you have here is the choir.

We all have different experiences so some of the advice may differ. This must be a shared experience between you and your wife. You may want to dip a toe in without her becoming a full fledged hotwife right off. By that I mean you may want to consider doing some erotic stuff together without her becoming a hotwife such as watching some porn movies together, going to a sauna, going to a nude beach, asking her to do some (safe) flashing, going to a movie or dinner with her wearing a dress but no underwear, nude photos, a tantric massage, etc.

If/when you do go ahead with it, she must have the good sense to know how far to go, and you must trust that she does. Don't involve friends, relatives nor coworkers, at least at the beginning. You can't lay down so many "rules" she needs a computer to keep track of them. (But you need a few basic rules regarding prior knowledge and consent, condoms, anal, and overnights.) It can be very difficult the first time watching your wife enjoy herself sexually with another man, but then, if it is not enjoyable for the both of you, why do it. Its not any easier not being there but being told about it afterwards. But once you get used to it, its a great ride.

And remember the rule. It is better not to and wish you had, than to do it and wish you hadn't.

[user322]

"I have seen so many stories that end up in a place where the couple is closer with an improved sex life and some that crumble into flames. If this ends up costing my relationship I don't think I could ever forgive myself."

The first thing I think is to talk about it with your wife, discuss all the dangers that could be involved, and see if you and your wife are on the same wavelength on these subjects. Communicate a lot, that's the basis!

" Should it? When I think about actually watching I don't get 'turned on' feelings but it feels more like eating really hot sauce or sky diving."

It reminds me of a video of Will Smith who challenged himself to skydive. The days before the jump the stress was always increasing. The day of the jump he was completely stressed! .... and finally when he jumped, he realized that it was cool and that he had stressed for nothing ..... maybe this story will be useful to you ......

[Bridget_Joshua]

You are the one who has come out with this fantasy so it is is your responsibility to do some extra work for you relation as when it begins there will be no going back. Because sex will be the last thing she will expect from you while getting young hunks of her choice pounding her pussy. Figure out some more ways to express your love to her. I believe a loved lady never leaves her man.

[iloanmywife]

You have read some good advice here, but also remember that the people with bad experiences no longer frequent this forum. What you have here is the choir.

This is a great point and helpful to keep in mind. I wish there was a better mechanism for hearing from those couples where it did NOT work out. Some men we've played with have shared stories about other couples where it didn't go well, but online stories are usually of the "fantasy come true" variety.

Hi all,

Maybe this belongs in the wannabe forum as we haven't actually had an experience beyond my wife H going on a date and making out for a bit.

We've been roleplaying, talking, flirting, going through little challenges all building up to an actual experience which is quickly approaching. I plan to meet this other guy first then my wife a few days later just to see if we all get along.

As it gets closer to reality the anxiety, stress, etc are quickly building. I feel 'under threat' like the potential for my relationship to explode is impeding. My wife assures me our sex life is great and we don't have to go ahead with it but each day that passes seems to ramp up these feelings. It's not feeling sexy at all.

Should it? When I think about actually watching I don't get 'turned on' feelings but it feels more like eating really hot sauce or sky diving. Like I'm pressing the 'relational anxiety' button down as far as it will go just to feel it. Sometimes the idea is hot as it all the roleplaying and sex we have but now that there is an actual guy....and a large, younger one at that ready and willing to meet my wife I'm starting to freak out.

I have seen so many stories that end up in a place where the couple is closer with an improved sex life and some that crumble into flames. If this ends up costing my relationship I don't think I could ever forgive myself.

I guess I'm wondering if others have gone through this? Maybe I need more time and to go slower. It went from fantasy and just fooling around to that first date meetup pretty quickly.

Help!

For OP, why do you want to play alone? Why not play together, either MFM or you watching? Just my own opinion, but I don't think most couples should ever play alone, at all. And couples certainly shouldn't start off by playing alone. Others may disagree, but I stand by that opinion. You mention that you're going to meet him -- why not go out together first? Even waiting in the hotel lobby or in his living room is better than being left completely out of the picture.

Most importantly: You and your wife should remember that this is just an adventure, like everything else you've done in your lives together. If it doesn't go well, then you shrug it off, share some good laughs about a hilarious misadventure, and you move on. That's it.

The nerves you're feeling are a feature, not a bug. I still feel them every single time my wife plays, with me or without. These feelings are nowhere as strong as they used to be -- on the verge of an anxiety attack -- but I still get them. I'd hate not to feel that. Think of those feelings as foreplay for when you reconnect with your wife. Steady your own emotions, do NOT take them out on your wife. She's also feeling anxiety and she needs to feel that you're in this with her, whether it goes great or terrible or somewhere in between.

If the two of you are insistent on her playing alone, encourage her to text throughout the date. Discuss tangible metrics (i.e., check-in hourly, or when you get to the hotel, or whatever), since "text me during the date" will lead to missed expectations. She can send a picture of the restaurant, the hotel door, her shoes, anything. My wife didn't realize early on how important those little texts were to me. One night she sent me a picture of an unmade hotel bed and it almost ripped my heart out of my chest, in a good way. And obviously anything pictures on the spicy side are welcome. Another night I got an unexpected picture with a dick in her mouth . That one also ripped my heart out, also in a good way.

[sana9889]

Sounds like this may not be for you.

You may not be feminine or submissive enough for it, thats why you dont get any sexual feeling and feel angry.

Maybe you should consider a more mutual avenue? What about partner swapping? Its fair game that way. She gets to try a new dick, you get a new hole for yourself.

Or even start with inviting another girl?

[BT2]

sana9889 wrote: Maybe you should consider a more mutual avenue? What about partner swapping? Its fair game that way. She gets to try a new dick, you get a new hole for yourself.

Or even start with inviting another girl?

We started with both, it worked out great for us, so naturally we believe its good advice.

[zorro]

Frankly, in reading your description I have to say I do not understand 2 things:
1) What do you fear?
2) If it doesn't give you sexual desire, why do you want to do this?

Before you go any further, you would do well to clarify these 2 issuea. And by clarifying them, you may answer your own question.

[leggysman]

You may not be feminine or submissive enough for it

That is not what makes all of us tick, sana9889. Or even many of us, here in the "Hotwife" forum.

I am neither of those things, and I'm sure numerous others would say the same.

[hwc]

More of a back story would help, for instance, is her going on dates with another man something she has asked you if she can do, with your reluctant agreement and aprehension, or, is this a fantasy that you both discovered and discussed, to the point you wanted to try it out for real, or was she reluctant when you brought the idea up to her? Did you have to encourage or persuade her to meet up with another man outside of the marriage? Do you have cuckold tendancies, that have driven you to want to try this out?

What are the expectations going forward?
Are you both on the same page and what is it you are looking for, purely sex hook-ups, more of a fuck-buddy situation with one guy, or more, like an actual boyfriend/girlfriend dating arrangement?
Or is this something you have not discussed, or haven't given much thought to or made plans for?

Also, could you give more detail on how this is making you feel. You've mentioned anxiety, but was there also excitement at the prospect of bringing this fantasy only into the light of day?
Has this made you feel angst or jealousy? are those emotions ones you wish to harness to make this more enjoyable (as this is a winning and exhilarating thing for most), or are you not enjoying those feelings whatsoever? Bare in mind that those strong feelings will quickly lessen, to the point you will miss how strong they were as her dating becomes something you get used to!

And finally are you in open dialouge with your wife on how you are feeling? How have those discussions gone? I would be good to hear about the back and forth in relation to how you are individually approaching this. And most here will get it by the way, the worries and anxieties you have expressed are perfectly normal and understandable. You worry about potentially risking your marriage because you love your wife. It would be difficuilt to dreive any pleasure from any of this if you didn't. Thanks for sharing what you have already and I am looking forward to updates.

[Tryagain]

I agree with a comment above that she should not go out on her own. Since this is a shared activity, you should truly share the experience by you being there.

Since our imaginations many times are worse that reality, you being there will remove that possibility. Since she has already met him and he seems like a good guy, you can invite him over to your home. That may make both of you more comfortable than meeting at a hotel which can make the situation more artificial and strange and complicated - who pays for example.

This also removes any possible doubt as to what happened between then and whether you may feel that your wife will not tell you the truth. As you may know, many wives will not tell their husband how terrific the sex was really was. You won't have to wonder.

So you and she can share the anxiety as you wait for him to arrive.

[silky nylons]

Any updates?