Some not-so-sexual reflections and internal conflict about cuckolding

[Joe85]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading this forum for years now, but this is my first time posting. I recently ended an eight-year relationship, and now that I’m single again, I’m taking time to reflect on my past, my desires, and how I want to move forward. I’m hoping to hear from others who’ve had similar experiences and can offer some advice or perspective.

A Little About Me and My Past Relationships

I’m around 40 years old, a successful professional, and in good shape. I wouldn’t call myself model-hot, but I’d say I’m attractive enough that women generally find me appealing. I’m confident in my physical appearance, and I never had any issues with my size (I’m normal, and some say a bit bigger than average).

Now, in terms of relationships, my first serious one was with a girl I’ll call Girlfriend #1 that i dated when i was 18. She was nurturing and sweet, almost motherly, and had a very high sex drive. But for me, as the relationship went on, I started realizing that my sexual desire was fleeting (this became a common pattern in the future). Initially, I was excited, especially on first dates, but once the relationship settled in, I didn’t have the same level of drive for sex anymore. I found that I enjoyed intimacy more through dirty talk during masturbation rather than actual intercourse. I'd say I acted selfishly. I was a very jealous partner at first, but at the same time, I started being drawn to the world of cuckolding that was taking over the internet, and we began talking about it. she was very open to do it. to this day, she's the person i talked to the most about my fantasies. it helped a lot to overcome jealousy. It was more intellectual and fantasy-based, and we never acted on it besides her sunbathing topless on holidays in front of random people. I also did realize I enjoyed the humiliation, and comparison aspect. I also realized there was a part of me that fantasized about having a smaller penis for the sake of being belittled. Ultimately, that relationship ended for reasons unrelated to sex/cuckolding, but I realized I had discovered a significant part of my sexual identity during that time.

My second serious relationship (Girlfriend #2) was intense and toxic. She was a free spirit, and we didn’t have the healthiest dynamic. She cheated on me multiple times, telling me about it, and while I was hurt by it, I realized that I also had an odd fascination with hearing about it. It wasn’t exactly cuckolding because it wasn’t prearranged or involving other men with me, but I found a strange and unique pleasure in knowing about her infidelities, and I couldn't leave for a while because of it. There was a moment when we almost had a threesome with one of her lovers, but I got too jealous and it fell apart. Looking back, it was a really unhealthy situation, but it also made me more aware of how much I was drawn to the cuckold dynamic, even if it wasn’t fully realized. This relationship ended because of toxic patterns, and I learned a lot about myself during it.

In my most recent, meaningful, and long relationship (Girlfriend #3), we had more mature conversations about sex in general, and she had a high sex drive as well. But even though we had some brief discussions about sexual fantasies, the relationship in bed never fully aligned. She was absolutely against embracing the cuckold dynamic and wanted to feel desired by me, her partner, and have a lot of romantic and vanilla sex. I was really into her, just didn't have that high sex drive after the first months. She sensed this, and while we seldomly did talk about her past lovers, I couldn’t admit to her that I was into cuckolding (because I knew she was against it) and said those were just fantasies limited to knowing she used to be a "femme fatale" in the past and I loved that, after sleeping with multiple men, she chose me. Again, sex wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, but it was definitely a contributing factor to this one.

Where I Am Now

Now that I’m single again, I’m reflecting a lot on what I truly want. I find myself in this strange dichotomy: I live in a competitive world where “big-dick energy” is prevalent, and I struggle with how that matches with the more submissive side of me that I want to embrace in the bedroom. I wonder how I would feel if I found a partner who was open to cuckolding and exploring that side of me. Would I feel conflicted about having one persona in the bedroom and a different one in my professional and social life? Probably yes, and this has always been a significant roadblock for me.

Another realization I’ve had recently is that I might be bisexual, though I wouldn’t say my attraction to men is as strong as to women. I’m more drawn to the idea of a big penis as an object of desire. While I don’t feel the need for intimacy with men (kissing, etc.), I find the presence of a larger penis very arousing. I’ve considered exploring this further—maybe through Grindr to find someone to jerk off with—just to satisfy my curiosity and fulfill some of my desires, but I’ve been hesitant to act on it.

Moving Forward

I’ve been passive about exploring these things due to fear and how I was raised, and now I want to be more proactive in understanding and pursuing what I want. I’ve been hesitant to share all of this, but I think it’s important to start being more open with myself.
We’re mostly talking about sex here, but I do recognize that a relationship is about much more than just that. Sex wasn’t the only reason those relationships ended—there were other factors at play as well. But when I think about the future, I don’t really know what to aim for. If I could delete the love for cuckolding from my brain, I would. I would love to have a balanced relationship. At the same time, one of my favorite genres when watching porn is cuckolding, and I do watch a lot of it every time I can. I’m wondering if that’s playing a role in how I feel and what I crave. A lot of people say that porn is ruining the younger generation, and maybe I’m one of those “ruined” people. Maybe I’ll just keep this as a secret and try to focus on being passionate with a future partner. It’s not that I hate sex, though. In fact, once it’s over, I feel really good about myself. But for some reason, my mind works this way, and I don’t really understand it. it’s hard to change it.

Something I haven’t mentioned before is that I come from a pretty abusive background, specifically on my mother’s side. It wasn’t physical abuse, but more psychological. She comes from a broken household, and she couldn’t break the cycle of dysfunction, let’s put it that way. She was really hard on me growing up—too hard, in fact. I don’t know if that impacted my relationships with women, but I do know that I’m a pretty funny guy. I can grab people’s attention in a room, but when it comes to talking to girls, it took a lot for me to get the courage. Honestly, I didn’t really talk to girls much until college. I had sex for the first time with Girlfriend #1, and that was a whole learning process in itself.

This isn’t your typical sexually loaded thread, but I wanted to share where I’m at and see if anyone has advice or experiences to share. How do you navigate internal conflicts between your public persona and sexual desires? Have any of you struggled with balancing what you want sexually with how you present yourself in other parts of your life?

Thanks for reading, and I’d really appreciate any insights you can offer. If you have questions or need more details, feel free to ask. it’s hard to condense 20+ years of my sexual journey into one post.

[Cdncuck]

You seem conflicted on several levels not just sexually.
I would suggest you get some counseling and sort out your feelings. You have a lot going on in your head and perhaps cuckolding should be put on hold while you sort out the other facets of your life.

[hubudig2]

I think so many guys struggle with that internal conflict when considering indulging submissive urges.
And it's not just guys, there are plenty of girls/women that struggle with it too, increasingly so.
It's all social norms, self-respect and shame related but that's also part of what makes it erotic.
If there was no internal conflict, no shame and no fear of public opinion, it wouldn't be as erotic and I imagine most people would be hooked on submission with dominants being rare and highly sought after.
One of the erotic concepts for the dominant is toying with that internal conflict, teasing the submissive with deeper and darker submissive pleasures.

You question whether you could have a different persona in the bedroom to that in your professional/social life, I would imagine that you do already, most people do. As a submissive, you need to be able to trust someone to be able to show your submissive side. The right person will enjoy/respect you doing that and encourage/nurture that side of you. I imagine part of you writing your first post on this forum is wanting to expose that side of yourself and be met with acceptance so that you can build some confidence in that side of you?

There are so many guys on this forum that are high status and highly respectable in their professional and social lives but kick back and fully embrace their submissive side in private. Most of them won't even post publicly here about it. I have so much respect for everyone that can do that though. I think most of them went through years of conflict and some of them were pushed before they dared to jump which most seem to be grateful for in hindsight.

It's interesting that you've lost interest sexually in all(?) of your girlfriends after the NRE wears off. I think couples that keep that fire burning often find a kink they have in common and head off further in that direction. It sounds like you haven't met someone that truly shares any of the kinks you're interested in.
I hope you can find someone that's a good match that you can explore these things with you more.

[RoccoLexi69]

I think so many guys struggle with that internal conflict when considering indulging submissive urges.
And it's not just guys, there are plenty of girls/women that struggle with it too, increasingly so.
It's all social norms, self-respect and shame related but that's also part of what makes it erotic.
If there was no internal conflict, no shame and no fear of public opinion, it wouldn't be as erotic and I imagine most people would be hooked on submission with dominants being rare and highly sought after.
One of the erotic concepts for the dominant is toying with that internal conflict, teasing the submissive with deeper and darker submissive pleasures.

I hope you can find someone that's a good match that you can explore these things with you more.

What a great response.

[Desiplayer]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading this forum for years now, but this is my first time posting. I recently ended an eight-year relationship, and now that I’m single again, I’m taking time to reflect on my past, my desires, and how I want to move forward. I’m hoping to hear from others who’ve had similar experiences and can offer some advice or perspective.

A Little About Me and My Past Relationships

I’m around 40 years old, a successful professional, and in good shape. I wouldn’t call myself model-hot, but I’d say I’m attractive enough that women generally find me appealing. I’m confident in my physical appearance, and I never had any issues with my size (I’m normal, and some say a bit bigger than average).

Now, in terms of relationships, my first serious one was with a girl I’ll call Girlfriend #1 that i dated when i was 18. She was nurturing and sweet, almost motherly, and had a very high sex drive. But for me, as the relationship went on, I started realizing that my sexual desire was fleeting (this became a common pattern in the future). Initially, I was excited, especially on first dates, but once the relationship settled in, I didn’t have the same level of drive for sex anymore. I found that I enjoyed intimacy more through dirty talk during masturbation rather than actual intercourse. I'd say I acted selfishly. I was a very jealous partner at first, but at the same time, I started being drawn to the world of cuckolding that was taking over the internet, and we began talking about it. she was very open to do it. to this day, she's the person i talked to the most about my fantasies. it helped a lot to overcome jealousy. It was more intellectual and fantasy-based, and we never acted on it besides her sunbathing topless on holidays in front of random people. I also did realize I enjoyed the humiliation, and comparison aspect. I also realized there was a part of me that fantasized about having a smaller penis for the sake of being belittled. Ultimately, that relationship ended for reasons unrelated to sex/cuckolding, but I realized I had discovered a significant part of my sexual identity during that time.

My second serious relationship (Girlfriend #2) was intense and toxic. She was a free spirit, and we didn’t have the healthiest dynamic. She cheated on me multiple times, telling me about it, and while I was hurt by it, I realized that I also had an odd fascination with hearing about it. It wasn’t exactly cuckolding because it wasn’t prearranged or involving other men with me, but I found a strange and unique pleasure in knowing about her infidelities, and I couldn't leave for a while because of it. There was a moment when we almost had a threesome with one of her lovers, but I got too jealous and it fell apart. Looking back, it was a really unhealthy situation, but it also made me more aware of how much I was drawn to the cuckold dynamic, even if it wasn’t fully realized. This relationship ended because of toxic patterns, and I learned a lot about myself during it.

In my most recent, meaningful, and long relationship (Girlfriend #3), we had more mature conversations about sex in general, and she had a high sex drive as well. But even though we had some brief discussions about sexual fantasies, the relationship in bed never fully aligned. She was absolutely against embracing the cuckold dynamic and wanted to feel desired by me, her partner, and have a lot of romantic and vanilla sex. I was really into her, just didn't have that high sex drive after the first months. She sensed this, and while we seldomly did talk about her past lovers, I couldn’t admit to her that I was into cuckolding (because I knew she was against it) and said those were just fantasies limited to knowing she used to be a "femme fatale" in the past and I loved that, after sleeping with multiple men, she chose me. Again, sex wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, but it was definitely a contributing factor to this one.

Where I Am Now

Now that I’m single again, I’m reflecting a lot on what I truly want. I find myself in this strange dichotomy: I live in a competitive world where “big-dick energy” is prevalent, and I struggle with how that matches with the more submissive side of me that I want to embrace in the bedroom. I wonder how I would feel if I found a partner who was open to cuckolding and exploring that side of me. Would I feel conflicted about having one persona in the bedroom and a different one in my professional and social life? Probably yes, and this has always been a significant roadblock for me.

Another realization I’ve had recently is that I might be bisexual, though I wouldn’t say my attraction to men is as strong as to women. I’m more drawn to the idea of a big penis as an object of desire. While I don’t feel the need for intimacy with men (kissing, etc.), I find the presence of a larger penis very arousing. I’ve considered exploring this further—maybe through Grindr to find someone to jerk off with—just to satisfy my curiosity and fulfill some of my desires, but I’ve been hesitant to act on it.

Moving Forward

I’ve been passive about exploring these things due to fear and how I was raised, and now I want to be more proactive in understanding and pursuing what I want. I’ve been hesitant to share all of this, but I think it’s important to start being more open with myself.
We’re mostly talking about sex here, but I do recognize that a relationship is about much more than just that. Sex wasn’t the only reason those relationships ended—there were other factors at play as well. But when I think about the future, I don’t really know what to aim for. If I could delete the love for cuckolding from my brain, I would. I would love to have a balanced relationship. At the same time, one of my favorite genres when watching porn is cuckolding, and I do watch a lot of it every time I can. I’m wondering if that’s playing a role in how I feel and what I crave. A lot of people say that porn is ruining the younger generation, and maybe I’m one of those “ruined” people. Maybe I’ll just keep this as a secret and try to focus on being passionate with a future partner. It’s not that I hate sex, though. In fact, once it’s over, I feel really good about myself. But for some reason, my mind works this way, and I don’t really understand it. it’s hard to change it.

Something I haven’t mentioned before is that I come from a pretty abusive background, specifically on my mother’s side. It wasn’t physical abuse, but more psychological. She comes from a broken household, and she couldn’t break the cycle of dysfunction, let’s put it that way. She was really hard on me growing up—too hard, in fact. I don’t know if that impacted my relationships with women, but I do know that I’m a pretty funny guy. I can grab people’s attention in a room, but when it comes to talking to girls, it took a lot for me to get the courage. Honestly, I didn’t really talk to girls much until college. I had sex for the first time with Girlfriend #1, and that was a whole learning process in itself.

This isn’t your typical sexually loaded thread, but I wanted to share where I’m at and see if anyone has advice or experiences to share. How do you navigate internal conflicts between your public persona and sexual desires? Have any of you struggled with balancing what you want sexually with how you present yourself in other parts of your life?

Thanks for reading, and I’d really appreciate any insights you can offer. If you have questions or need more details, feel free to ask. it’s hard to condense 20+ years of my sexual journey into one post.

Thank you for sharing your journey. This forum kinda helps navigate things that go through our heads. Many ppl offer different types of advise and guidance…you look at full view and take the best out of it ..

Glad that it’s not always the same sexual post…we also need support one another in these situations

Similar to you …I went through stage where my mental health was not where it needed to be and had lot of conflicting things about what I really wanted pussy or cock ..I know wife brought the bi in me that I always thought I was straight ….now I have become more bi/gay where i also want pussy but I have more cock sessions that are dominating then traditional sex. My cock need is more than cock sucking it’s about kissing and fucking …and intimate sex as i was having more mm and servicing wife lovers I quickly realized I’m in state of being …it’s got in the way of my heath ….this forum, my wife and few of my bi friends helped navigate this for me….

Being in this life we are allready living a double life ….long as wife and I are happy that all it matters …

I feeel at ease now …knowing I’m attracted and crave for both m/f intimate sex …..but leading more gay life

Wife also wants me this way….we have 2 kids who are less than Five …I try my best to support her and keeping our evolving lifestyle…we started as hotwife ..now cuckhold and to a extent a poly …with few lovers for her

[Joe85]

Just wanted to share some more thoughts after reflecting on everything and reading through the responses.

First off, I really appreciate all the perspectives and support. Just writing this stuff out has already made me feel a little better. It’s clear to me that judgment, especially from childhood, still plays a massive role in how I see myself and interact with the world. Even though I’ve been working on it with a therapist, it’s still something that weighs heavily on me. I realize I’m a huge overthinker, and even when I try not to, I still put a lot of weight on public opinion. It’s something I’m working on, but it’s definitely a slow process.

On the topic of relationships, I’ve been thinking about how societal conditioning plays into dating dynamics. From my experience, there seems to be a strong trend of women preferring a more dominant male figure in relationships. I don’t think it’s just the three women I’ve mentioned before, it seems to be a recurring theme in almost all my dating experiences. Maybe it’s personal preference, maybe it’s societal conditioning, or maybe a mix of both. But for me, this makes things complicated because I know how I come across: someone who seems completely in control, on top of everything. Then, when it comes to intimacy, there’s a shift, and I get that it can be unexpected for someone who sees me a certain way at first. I don’t think this is something I can bring up early on, so I guess it’s just about trusting the process and hoping I meet someone who understands this side of me once we build a real connection.

I also wish there were better ways to navigate this in dating apps. Some platforms allow for things like non-monogamy preferences, but I don’t feel comfortable putting certain details out there publicly.
On another note, I’ve realized my lack of strong interest in pursuing sex might be tied to the fact that I masturbate one to three times a day. When I travel and don’t do it for a few days, my perspective on sex shifts completely. It’s crazy how much of a difference that makes for me. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced something similar, but it’s something I’ve started noticing more. At the same time, it’s not easy to just stop, especially when it’s part of my routine.