Well... fuck.

[surry]

Hoping the best for you, sincerely! Have you had any discussion with your wife yet or any luck with finding a counselor?

We had a talk yesterday, kind of talking around it. Not about the specifics of what she did, but more about how badly she hurt me, and why I'm choosing to handle it the way that I am (so far). I don't accept any blame or responsibility for her cheating, but I also understand it took failures on both of our parts for the marriage to deteriorate to the point cheating was on the table. Etc. She behaved the right way and said the right things, but we'll see.

I've actually had a surprising amount of success in finding counselors with some degree of availability. I've done the intake on one, but it might take a couple of weeks to actually have our first appointment. There are a couple of others that are contenders, too.

You both will be OK. My wife and I went through this. It was tough and sometimes I still feel upset sometimes her going behind my back. When this happens I shove it away. I both had faults over the decades. We are in a better place now. Wish you both the best. There is a difference between what is in our head vs real life.

[zorro]

Sharing a wife sexually is very different from being cheated on, no matter what your fantasies are. Sharing one you love can, at least for some of us, actually bring you closer by expanding self-revelation, intimacy (into-me-you see), trust to tell the truth, and having a fabulously hot time together (or after she comes back, depending on your flavor).

Sharing your partner does not tend to hurt relationships. Deceit, betrayal, lying, and sneaking around murder marriages. It is great you will try to get therapy with an alternative-relationship therapist who may help you communicate better. But you will still have to work through the betrayal and abandonment of trust due to her cheating. You two have a lot of work ahead of you, and it may take a long time. Continue to explore what is and is not possible in your relationship. And be sure to read Perel, Mating in Captivity.

Best wishes!

[coastalkid]

Hoping the best for you, sincerely! Have you had any discussion with your wife yet or any luck with finding a counselor?

We had a talk yesterday, kind of talking around it. Not about the specifics of what she did, but more about how badly she hurt me, and why I'm choosing to handle it the way that I am (so far). I don't accept any blame or responsibility for her cheating, but I also understand it took failures on both of our parts for the marriage to deteriorate to the point cheating was on the table. Etc. She behaved the right way and said the right things, but we'll see.

I've actually had a surprising amount of success in finding counselors with some degree of availability. I've done the intake on one, but it might take a couple of weeks to actually have our first appointment. There are a couple of others that are contenders, too.

I imagine everyone's feelings are at a heightened sense of sensitivity. It's good you've started some conversations. At a minimum she knows you are aware and affected. Hopefully that alone will make her think before even considering trying to do any more.

It was also fair that you let her know you deny having any blame for her decision. She needs to know she hurt you in spite of whatever you think you may have failed at that MAY have helped to lead her there. It's also good that she, "behaved the right way and said the right things". The "but we'll see" is the stumbling block. If you don't feel confident that she'll continue to behave the right way and say the right things means you are not certain that "other things" that may tempt her are off the table.

You have a tough road ahead. I'm hoping that you both can come out of this stronger together.