Advice - cuckolding gone wrong

[JamesandAmie]

Dear All,
I am just posting an update. Although, we are on pause, we still discuss. I had researched and found the complete guide to hotwifing before and sent her messages prior to the event. Here is the link as I think it is very helpful.
https://www.sdc.com/hotwifing-hotwife-how-to-guide/
We have now read each part together and discussed it. Piece by piece. She told me that there are so much that we did not consider. However, I said, not we, you. Because I sent parts of this same guide to her whatsapp. I asked for her phone and she opened her WhatsApp then I showed her that indeed it is in her WhatsApp which shows that she opened it. To my surprise, she told me she didn't read my whatsapp messages and that she should have. She opened them so it shows read but she browsed over my messages. Even the one where I told her that we must agree on boundaries and the safe word if any of us changes our minds. At that time, I asked why she placed her phone on silent? Then I showed her my numerous messages that I don't want her to go further but she not only did not see or hear the notifications, she never answered my calls. She cried saying she is sorry.
However, this guide has 2 quizzes which helps one to know if they are ready for hotwifing and the second helps them to know if their house is in order before finding a lover. Little of this was done.
I am sure that when it happens again, we'll be prepared. We have discussed scenarios of what could happen and pros and cons. We are still not over the results of this one yet though but in taking the opportunity to ensure she is aware of what needs to be considered, agreed upon, and adhered to. I'll not make this too long but I also got some tips for her (hotwives) on what she should do to ensure my needs are also met. I'll post this in another message. For more, this is where we are.

[JamesandAmie]

Here are the tips I found for hotwives. I believe they are very helpful.
Techniques For Hotwives;

If you follow certain rules agreed with your husband, then you will absolutely love being a hotwife.

One of the best parts of hotwifing is driving your husband insane with lust for me by giving him just the right blend of teasing and reassurances.

This way you get a husband who burns with desire for you. Remember, your husband will give you permission to play, providing that his needs are also met and you stay within agreed boundaries.
Staying within agreed boundaries will make your encounters extra fun for you, your husband, and your lover.

1. When Husband is Watching You with Another Man

Eye Contact* - Nothing will arouse and tease your husband like strong eye contact with him. Eye contact says, “Look at me!” and makes it impossible for either of you to ignore or trivialize what’s going on. Eye contact can be gentle or fierce, depending on your style and the message you’re trying to send. Lock eyes for a long time, then wink or smile right before you look away. Lock eyes with your husband while giving your lover a blowjob.

Smile* - Smiling is both a tease and a reassurance. It says both, “Look how much fun I’m having!” and “Everything is OK.” Smile at him when you are riding your lover or/and during eye contact.

Say Something* - You don’t have to jabber away, but it’s fun to say things now and then. Talk dirty talk with your lover while your husband’s watching. Interact with him, asking, “How are you liking the show?” or “Don’t you wish you were doing this?” Encourage your lover to talk about how good everything feels and how much fun he’s having. Moaning, screaming, crying, laughing, giggling, etc. are all great things to do, too. It’s also cute to call your husband by terms of endearment like honey, baby, etc. when you’re being fucked by another man.

Dress Up* - High heel shoes, lingerie, nicely done nails, and perfume all say, “I’m putting effort into looking fucking hot for my lover!” You husband will be aroused by your appearance and jealous of the effort to look good for another guy.

2. When Husband is Listening from Another Room

Go Nuts* - Scream, cry, moan, laugh, beg, talk dirty, giggle, and slurp. Encourage your lover to slap your butt. These sounds will float through the closed door and to your husband’s ears, driving him wild with desire and jealousy.

Emerge, then Vanish* - Take a break from fucking. Go out into the room where your husband is: hair a mess, makeup smeared. Have a glass of water. Say hi to your husband. Then, go back to the bedroom. Close the door. Lock it.

Make a Movie* - Film your bedroom romp. Hook the camera in your room to the TV in the room where he’s sitting so he can watch live feed! He’ll be scratching at the door in no time.

3. When Husband is Not Around

Call Him* - It’s fun to call him and put the phone on speaker phone while you’re getting railed. Then, your husband can listen! Make your lover call him from his phone and let your husband listen.

Texts* - Like above, but text dirty things. What you’re doing, feeling, etc. Have your lover send husband dirty pics of what you’re doing.

Get Caught* - Having your husband walk in on you when he’s not expecting anything. Just make sure that you know he’d be OK with this and that your lover is also OK with this. Some people don’t like surprises.

Leave Evidence* - Your lingerie lying around the bed, sex toys on the nightstand, or a condom in the garbage all remind your husband of what you were doing in his absence.

Make a Movie (pt. 2)* - Film your bedroom romp and leave the recording on the nightstand for him.

[JamesandAmie]

Hi all,

Just an update

Well today is our 35th wedding anniversary and there is no anniversary to celebrate. Although we discuss, I am still grappling with the betrayal and lost of trust.

However, she agreed to have me watching but said it will only be once. We'll, I don't want once and if it's only one with me and all other times she is going alone, I'm definitely not with that.

She loves the idea of meeting other men but without me. I'm not into that so we might soon part ways if we don't find common ground.

[coastalkid]

It's going to be a rough Christmas this year huh? I'm sorry that things are going the way they are. I hope you are able to get it worked out.

[JamesandAmie]

It's going to be a rough Christmas this year huh? I'm sorry that things are going the way they are. I hope you are able to get it worked out.

Thank you Coastalkid.
Your response is much appreciated.
Yes, it will be a rough Christmas indeed but I want to work it out and I'm banking that she also wants to work it out.
She needs to accept that it is something for both of us not only her.
How will I give her the support if I'm not enjoying it?
The only way I'll enjoy it is if I'm there watching and/ or participating. This way, we both win and the third person wins as well.
I wonder why she does not see this...

[sandy691196]

JamesandAnnie..

I am posting this presuming that you are still in the advice seeking mode.

1) The definitions and labels in this LS sometimes cause more problems than solve 'em. You like to share your wife in a certain way and thats that. Its of supreme inconsequence what the cuck or hotwife or swinger or stag-vixen rule books say! You want it your way.. period.

2) Wife too would have "her way".. if the 2 ways can be overlapped then you play in the areas of commonality. if they dont overlap at all, then you dont play. Period. If wife sharing becomes an essential part of any marriage for both or one of the spouses then common ground has to be found. Or else walk away from the marriage.

3) The tendency to somehow wish away fundamental differences in approach and fundamental conflicts in values, for the sake of "making it happen", is a prescription for disaster. Cheating, resentment, anger, humiliation, depression, financial and social bust ups.. The works.

4) Your wife loves to cheat and play games behind your back since Day 1. Your fetishes and compulsions to indulge her sex outside marriage, regardless of rules and boundaries, made it a given thing life long. She doesnt respect or regard you too much. Her disregarding many of your messages like one does with spams and handbills, is the reddest of all flags. You are just a convenient, comfortable fixture in the marriage. All her kicks come from outside.

5) There are absolutely NO grounds for taking anything she says/commits, at face value. This clean test after the HIV scare will only further embolden her and make you look silly through her already contemptuous prism.

6) If you wanna continue in the marriage you need a clean break from the LS for a year to rebuild the relationship and find happiness in each other. And yes snooping on her phone in the meantime, is perfectly fine. She is a serial cheater with no demonstrated loyalty.

[JamesandAmie]

Dear sandy691196,

Thank you for your advice. We are still together ❤. There is very little to no intimacy between us. I try very hard to see her beauty. She is beautiful but I still don't feel her beauty is mine. We did not celebrate my birthday nor our anniversary.

For Valentines, I booked a place that had vakentine dinner and dance. She was preparing, got a new dress, shoes, hairdresser but at the last moment she said she does not want to go. We didn't go. We no longer go on trips monthly like we used to do.

I fell she wants us to get back as normal. With what we are going through, I feel R should go through it as well.

I found out who his wife is. I got her contact details. I feel like sending her the details. He has two lovely daughters and I don't want them to suffer should they divorce. But I don't feel he should be getting away with it.

Should I send the videos and chats to his wife anonymously?

[Bsod83]

Regarding info to the wife. You should talk with your wife first, so it doesnt become a wedge between your and your wife. You as a couple should decide how to handle this.

I know what i think regarding info to the spouse regarding infidelity. I would like to know even when the truth is tough, but some ppl dont want to know and carry on living in a blissful ignorance.

I think this entire story is very sad to read, but it is very useful for others. To learn from the mistakes that other make is one of the great things with humans. Thank you for sharing your story, even if it is not a happy story.

Have you attended therapy as a couple or individuals? I think you should, probably both as individual and couple therapy.

Its easy to say, and alot harder to do, but I think you kinda need to forgive the past and let past misstakes be, and try to start over as a couple. 35 years are a long period.
I have been with my wife for 24 years, so I know the feeling of long and true love. I would rather donate my heart than to lose my wife.

It sounds like you still are very resentful and still punishing her for her mistakes. The history is in the past. The only thing that can be changed is the future. You have had a while to consider the situation now, and i think you either should try to accept the history, or to actually end the marriage. If you cant forgive her actions, you should release her.

[coastalkid]

Dear sandy691196,

Thank you for your advice. We are still together ❤. There is very little to no intimacy between us. I try very hard to see her beauty. She is beautiful but I still don't feel her beauty is mine. We did not celebrate my birthday nor our anniversary.

For Valentines, I booked a place that had vakentine dinner and dance. She was preparing, got a new dress, shoes, hairdresser but at the last moment she said she does not want to go. We didn't go. We no longer go on trips monthly like we used to do.

I fell she wants us to get back as normal. With what we are going through, I feel R should go through it as well.

I found out who his wife is. I got her contact details. I feel like sending her the details. He has two lovely daughters and I don't want them to suffer should they divorce. But I don't feel he should be getting away with it.

Should I send the videos and chats to his wife anonymously?

I totally understand your desire to "out" R to his wife. I also get that you think R should be enduring some of the pain and heartache that you are dealing with. Misery loves company right? Outside of spreading around the misery, I don't feel like sharing the chats and video will help you in recovering from all of this.

The real issue for right now is the loss of joy. Not celebrating birthdays or anniversaries speaks to that lack of desire to feel joy. That can't continue for long. If it does persist, it will progress to a deeper death spiral filled with resentment and apathy. It will make you consider that splitting up will be easier than reconciling and working towards a new future.

This is only a suggestion but, maybe you need to find some joy in something non-sexual. I have no idea what that could be for you but it would help convince yourself that you CAN be happy again. It would also show your wife that if you can be happy again then she can be too. You know that you can't stay miserable forever or watch your wife being miserable forever either. You'll have to reach one more time, deeply, into your heart and rebuild the things beside sex that attracted you to her and her to you. You'll need to remind yourself to forget somethings while you rebuild.

I'm truly sorry that you're suffering. I'm sure you're beside yourself with a flood of emotions and feelings.

[JamesandAmie]

Hi Board 83,

Thank you for your advice. I've thought long and hard about this. I'll update in a later post in a little while. I just wanted you to know that this part of your post resonated in me and I took action.

It sounds like you still are very resentful and still punishing her for her mistakes. The history is in the past. The only thing that can be changed is the future. You have had a while to consider the situation now, and i think you either should try to accept the history, or to actually end the marriage. If you cant forgive her actions, you should release her.

[JamesandAmie]

Dear Coastalkid,

I thought about your response as well. Two parts in fact. The first is: "You know that you can't stay miserable forever or watch your wife being miserable forever either. You'll have to reach one more time, deeply, into your heart and rebuild the things beside sex that attracted you to her and her to you. You'll need to remind yourself to forget somethings while you rebuild."

The second one is: "I totally understand your desire to "out" R to his wife. I also get that you think R should be enduring some of the pain and heartache that you are dealing with."

I took action on both of them. I will expand on both of them next.

[JamesandAmie]

Bsod83 and Coastalkid,

Thank you for your sound advice, i.e., one that really had me thinking.

I will not leave her. We are exploring ways to be happy in 'Non-sexual' ways. I took her out for her birthday and I will take her out for Mother's day. I cannot change the past as there is no undo button. I told her that she should also open up to me and come clean. She is doing it bit by bit now and I am not holding it against her. I still do not want to kiss, hug, caress, nor make love but it is going to come back. I am not seeing her beauty. She is more attentive to me and it makes me feel guilty because I now feel that she is doing more than me to make up for that mistake. Unfortunately, other circumstances also made me take this stand. She was going into depression and suffered a mild heart attack, luckily, my daughter is a doctor and was at home. The took care of her and she is now stable. My Dr. told me that it could re-occur so take good care of her. I started thinking about all the good times we shared without children and with children. Those are unforgettable. She is also the mother of my children and that is irreplaceable. We are still working on it and I am sure we are on the right tract.

Coastalkid, I did contact R's wife and we became friends. She told me her struggles with R and how he like to cheat on her. She is the breadwinner and a prosperous one as well, he only reap the benefits of her labor so has time and money to do his nonsense. She built their house and just like me, we both have passive income. Eventually, I share the information with her and she confronted him. He cried begging for forgiveness. This took some time then me, R's wife, and R met by accident at a restaurant. I greeted her and we hugged as friends. She introduced me and told him the name of my wife. Well he was just so emotional, at least it looked so. He asked both of us for forgiveness and cried to her. He needs her more than she needs him of course so that could be a motivation but she told me later that he was truly sorry. I felt better as I confronted him in a non-violent way. I told him that he should not interfere with a married woman because he could get seriously hurt of killed by a jealous husband.

I also told my wife about the encounter and showed her pictures/videos that R wife's took of him apologizing to her and me which she shared with me. I do feel better and I am in frequent communication with R's wife. We are non-sexual, non-intimate friends as we both want our marriages to work.

So now we are going ahead slowly but surely progressing towards reconciliation.

I do not talk to R and my wife told me she does not talk to him either. I changed her number so if she gives it to him, then she is not serious.

We will see our progress and keep you updated.

Thanks to all who took the time out to give me advice and even those who scolded me, smile. I needed every bit of advice even the ones I did not like. I eventually thought about all of the comments and that brought me to this point and now I have a new friend in R's Wife, A!, as well.

[Freemans892]

It sounds like your relationship with Amie got screwed over by your wife’s high school boyfriend who was on a power trip to cuck a married guy due to the fact that his wife was the main breadwinner. Your wife’s cheating former boyfriend had agenda to make you cuck as much as possible my breaking all possible rules. It sounds like your wife got feed a lot of bullshit as well. Once your wife finally broke contact with the former bf, she finally realised how badly she fucked things up. At the time, she was enjoying the attention.

R will be finding your friendship with R’s wife really humiliating. Enjoy the friendship with R’s wife. I do hope your relationship with your wife improves and the two of you can become sexual again.

[JamesandAmie]

Thank you Freeman's
You are right. I was cheated on, without reason. I mean we could have discussed it and agreed on something but she wanted him alone so I was not consulted. Now that things did not go well, there are lots of apologies etc.
Me and R's wife are friends. Those two are not, ironic but true.
I'll keep on going forward and Amie is welcome to tag along.
We must align our goals and get over this sting. I have not closed the door on sharing her but I must be included. Anyone she gets close to must know that I know what she is doing.

[Tryagain]

You said on the one hand she said you get only 1 shot at being there with them and you did not want that. Now it seems you are okay with her being with another guy. Seems a disconnect.

FYI And if you actively place ads for guys who will not mind your presence, there are plenty of such guys. Disconnect

You said things are good and added a heart and then described how you guys are practically estranged. Disconnect

You remained so angry that you wanted to get back at him by telling his wife. Does not seem like a thing to do if you want to be involved in this lifestyle. - Disconnect.

My overall impression is that you guys should NOT be involved in this lifestyle at all.

[JamesandAmie]

You said on the one hand she said you get only 1 shot at being there with them and you did not want that. Now it seems you are okay with her being with another guy. Seems a disconnect.

FYI And if you actively place ads for guys who will not mind your presence, there are plenty of such guys. Disconnect

You said things are good and added a heart and then described how you guys are practically estranged. Disconnect

You remained so angry that you wanted to get back at him by telling his wife. Does not seem like a thing to do if you want to be involved in this lifestyle. - Disconnect.

My overall impression is that you guys should NOT be involved in this lifestyle at all.

I think your last sentence may be correct. I'll ponder on that for a while. Amie and I, with advice from here, will decide our next step when we get our relationship back in order. The next step could be that the lifestyle is no longer for us or what changes we need to make when dipping our feet again. Priority at the moment is fixing our relationship.

[coastalkid]

I'm hoping things are getting better for the both of you. I'm glad you are making the effort to work on fixing your relationship. There's a ton of non-sexual life experiences you've shared with your wife. The kind of stuff that most people only get to do once in a lifetime. Those memories are a treasure best held together with the one you made them with rather than alone. Find what it was that you saw in her from the beginning if you can and go from there.

The cheerleaders will tell you to just let her have it her way. That may work for them, but you're not them! You don't have to accept being unhappy and unsatisfied, neither of you do.

[JamesandAmie]

Dear Coastalkid,

Thank you for hanging in with me. I have implemented your suggestions.
"There's a ton of non-sexual life experiences you've shared with your wife." Yes, there are. I've looked back in my notes of life. I've come up with lots of then. I asked her to look into her notes as well and she had as well.

Those memories are a treasure best held together with the one "you made them with rather than alone."
We have decided to relive these and make new ones in the process. We no longer initiate intimacy. In fact, tomorrow 25th June will be exactly 1 year that I suspected and found messages between them after I got total control of her phone. It's right to be thinking like you suggested and being their anniversary makes it difficult but I must make an effort. I reassured her iI'll not leave her but if she wants to she can that is if she doesn't want to rekindle.

She asked about sex and I told her that memories of him doing things to her prevents me from being intimate with her. She has given me permission to do it with another woman but I don't want to. I also believe it's going to come back and haunt me. But the reason is because I don't want any other woman.

"You don't have to accept being unhappy and unsatisfied, neither of you do."
I told her that this was and is not my idea of growing old together so we better fix it. She is open to it by I'm doing all the heavy lifting.

We watch TV together. We are eating together at home. Not showering together but hanging out. I notice that I watch every word she says and interpret it in her affair context. I'm seeing that it also is affecting her health. She spent 5 days in the ER two weeks ago and this past weekend as well. I felt sorry for her but also thought about me being without her in my life if she does not come out the ER one of these times. The feeling of being without her was overwhelming.

I watched the 12 days of the Israeli/Iranian conflict and explained it happily to her and our children.

I bought a 16' x 32' above ground pool and we swam in it few times. Our children are also happier eventhough we did not tell them anything about what happened. They figured something was wrong though.

My blood pressure has gone back to normal and I want to bring it to ideal as it was one year earlier.

I'll keep at it.

I'm not sure if I'll have to go through this again sooner or later. I really do not want to.

Thanks again. I do not respond quickly because I meditate on your response first.

[coastalkid]

Any progress?

[JamesandAmie]

Any progress?

Yes, we are doing well. In the 13 of July, it will be one year. I have vine to terms that we are mining beyond that episode. We are more friendly to each other. I don't bring it up again for a few mouths mire. Best of all, we started making live again.
Thank you for being by my side, albeit, virtually. I felt better with each of your responses.

[coastalkid]

I am on your side. I know that "virtually" isn't much in the way of help but it's all that I have to give you.

This site has a mix of people. There are people that will encourage you to go down a path that may work well for them but not for you. They will tell you to accept any indignity thrown your way and say, "It's just a phase, you'll get used to it, give yourself some time." Then there are others that will suggest caution and try to warn you of the implications. Both groups have well intentions but unfortunately do not know your heart or the finer details of your situation.

If reconciliation is your goal then it will definitely be a long process. Your wife will have to own up to her part in the mistakes along the way. You will have to suppress your need to judge her past and focus on her effort to forge a new future and whether she is sincere.

This site sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable because it is focused so acutely on wives doing as they please with no recriminations. They don't often respond well to caution. I have a friend that likes to drink far too much. We've done a lot of fun things together like camping and traveling to concerts together. Since he's such a good friend I've felt the need to confront him about his drinking. He's passed out, fallen and hurt himself, his health has suffered and he just can't seem to stop. Our discussions have resulted in tears. I hate my role in telling him to slow down. I don't want to be made out to be the guy that doesn't enjoy having a good time. But, that's the way I feel every time after confronting him. This site makes me feel like "that guy" often!

It has always been my belief that not all women possess the wisdom and maturity to see and understand the shift in responsibility and the outcome of their actions. Likewise, many men aren't capable of handling the unanticipated progression of a wife's embrace of her new found freedom.

I'm happy to read that you're on the path to recovering from the past. I hope that path continues for you and your wife and that together you and your wife can build an even stronger bond than before that is wiser and more sensitive to one another.