New here. I think my wife's having an affair. What to do?

[Gulfcpl]

All great responses above. However, the bottom line is simple but not easy and that is: there is no substitute for honesty. You can dance around it all you want but things must come out if your relationship is to last. I can’t imagine living with my wife, my best friend and confidant, while hiding things and being deceptive. You share with everyone here that you have hidden things but you can’t share those things with your wife. This goes both ways. She needs to come clean also. It’s unfortunate but your marriage needs much more than anyone here can offer. As one poster so accurately stated, the foundation has to be strong before anything new can be built.

[allways]

All great responses above. However, the bottom line is simple but not easy and that is: there is no substitute for honesty. You can dance around it all you want but things must come out if your relationship is to last. I can’t imagine living with my wife, my best friend and confidant, while hiding things and being deceptive. You share with everyone here that you have hidden things but you can’t share those things with your wife. This goes both ways. She needs to come clean also. It’s unfortunate but your marriage needs much more than anyone here can offer. As one poster so accurately stated, the foundation has to be strong before anything new can be built.

The problem mike2 is your wife has a problem and it is not you its her. Anyone who cheats and does not want to address it but instead wants to cover it up to me means she will cheat again. Unlike you she refuses to discuss it. Time to kick ass.Unlike you she did not come clean you had to expose her lies. Now she just wants to pretend there is no problem. If you allow this to continue I do not like the chance your long term relationship will last.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I get everyone’s points about transparency as essential for putting the “what if’s” to rest and reestablishing trust. But in light of your recent arousal as a likely protective response to anxiety and hurt, I don’t know if diving into the details is going to do you any good at this moment. I think its just going to fuel that mental loop (arousal-shame-resistance-self-loathe) which at this stage, is just adding complication. In time, yes. I think getting all the cards on the table is necessary for fully reestablishing trust. But maybe it’s best to process the immediate situation before pushing for full disclosure.

Asking her for every last detail (enjoyment, size, exact acts) might feel like the only way to get control back, but with where you're at emotionally, more graphic stuff could just pour fuel on that cycle—turn abstract hurt into mental images that keep coming back stronger. Her shutting down with "I don't want to hurt you" is probably genuine remorse mixed with her own shame, but it leaves you stuck filling in blanks. That may feel mentally itchy right now, but those blanks can be filled in when you're emotionally ready.

If the unknowns are eating you alive, maybe try focusing on the points that matter most right now (no ongoing contact, health is clear, thrill-seeking and not emotional replacement). But honestly, right now the bigger win might be stepping back from more probing and getting some solo space to sort the loop first. A good therapist who gets betrayal and the sexual confusion that comes with it can help short-circuit that arousal-shame bounce you described in other recent posts.

Maybe take the time to breathe and let the rawest part settle before deciding what you really "need to know" vs. what your brain is demanding right now.

[joel68]

Well, I hope he has more conversations with his wife and figures things out. There are a lot of ways this could go.

[Lugnut]

I'm the biggest pervert here and I think if what you're saying is real about her infidelity and your feelings, I think you should RUN from this site!! This shit ain't for you. And what you'll get here is mostly crappy advice from us pervs.

So here's MY crappy advice: don't say anything to her about all this...until you go and get counseling. From a professional! It might just fix your damaged marriage!

Now go away and don't come back. At least until your CONVINCED you like her cheating...which I doubt will ever happen.

Troilus

Best advice in the thread.
This is a classic dead bedroom/cheating wife scenario and the OP doesn't think it's hot at all. It has no place in the weird world of hotwifery.

[GnGHottie]

Your wife is 100% lying to you, still cheating, and protecting the boyfriend vs being open and trying to repair things with her husband. Honestly, this part "She said she probably couldn’t do it with me, that this other person was something Aaron brought out of her. She didn’t like the idea of me wanting to sleep with some pretend version of her either.” would be the end of the marriage for me.

There’s a world of difference between having the fantasy of your wife cheating on you and giving the other guy things that she won’t give you … and the actual reality of your wife cheating on you, and specifically telling you to your face that she *will not* be for you what she was for him. That’s not respectful of you or your marriage.

I say this as someone who cums constantly to the fantasy of my wife falling for another man and leaving me to be with him. The way your wife is treating you here is fucked.

[hubudig2]

This is a classic dead bedroom/cheating wife scenario and the OP doesn't think it's hot at all. It has no place in the weird world of hotwifery.

This poll shows being cheated on as the #1 trigger for cuckolding fantasies and inability to sexually satisfy your wife as close 2nd. So you could say it's relevant but you could also argue that the same logic would mean that talking about sex would be relevant on a pregnancy forum...

[joel68]

Interesting stats. Thanks.

[Lugnut]

This is a classic dead bedroom/cheating wife scenario and the OP doesn't think it's hot at all. It has no place in the weird world of hotwifery.

This poll shows being cheated on as the #1 trigger for cuckolding fantasies and inability to sexually satisfy your wife as close 2nd. So you could say it's relevant but you could also argue that the same logic would mean that talking about sex would be relevant on a pregnancy forum...

This hotwife board has become a mostly cuck board.

[allways]

Okay, you got what you wanted...CLOSURE.

Now get the fuck out of here and get to marriage counseling. All you'll get here is BAD advice!

Either that, or PM me and I'll tell you how to really accelerate things and become a cuckold with a slut wife...I'm good at THAT advice.

But if you've been honest with us, then stop posting and reading posts here. This is NOT the place for you! It's like you're going to a casino and asking patrons how to quit gambling. Wake up and either join the club or go away forever.

And that's the last you'll hear from me.

Troy

So it appears that Mike2 took troy's advice and got the fuck out of here.

[joel68]

Could be. I hope things work out for him, whatever he decides to do.

[mike82]

I appreciate all the replies and advice. Apologies for not getting back to anyone, honestly, Greg_N_Shelley's research about the fantasy not going away scared me a little so I took troilusand's advice and went cold turkey on it.

You mentioned “…when I’m sitting on a few things myself.” I’m guessing there are details about your past affair (or maybe other events) that you haven’t shared with her.

No, I have no secrets in that regard. I was referring to not telling her I knew about her cheating and not telling her about it turning me on.

Fetishes and acquired sexual interests (especially those that emerge or intensify in adulthood, like in response to a triggering event such as discovering an affair) tend to be long-term or lifelong for most people. They don't typically vanish completely just by ignoring them or trying to suppress thoughts.

For non-consensual discovery scenarios specifically, forums and anecdotal reports (including in hotwife/cuckold spaces) frequently describe the fantasy becoming a recurring, central theme even years later, despite efforts to bury it. The shame cycle you mentioned often keeps feeding it indirectly.

When I first read all this I honestly didn’t buy it. Over Christmas I managed to shove it to the back of my head, things felt almost normal again, so I figured I could just repeat the trick. Deep down though there was this nagging worry it might actually be true, so I tried hard not to give the thoughts any oxygen. I searched the web for psychological advice. I tried to distract my mind, focussed on fitness and strength training. I tried cutting way back on jerking off or if I had to, find some unrelated porn to focus on. We didn't talk anymore about what she did, we just kind of agreed to move on. But it wasn’t the same as Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s because now I know for sure it happened, and she knows I know.

I think I said before that after I cheated on her, she refused to suck my cock because of the thought of it being in another woman's pussy. That seemed to carry on until present and foreplay for us has been heavily focussed on me going down on her and she's quite confident about insisting on it. Well that didn't change after revealing that she cheated. I thought about refusing to or bringing it up but ultimately thought better of it, that might've been a mistake. Every time I've gone down on her since, my mind fills with thoughts and voices of things she could say to me while I'm eating her pussy, I can't control it.

After a week of trying to give up the thoughts, I doubled down, avoiding going down on her and trying to busy myself with anything non-sexual I could find. After 3 weeks I was losing hope and started doing that dumb thing where you threaten yourself with worst case scenarios if you don’t get a grip. It was even less successful. If I got horny, those "threats" would just turn me on more. It's funny, I liken it to an experience at a music festival once where I had brutal stomach cramps, desperately needed to shit but the portajohns were disgusting. I avoided it for most the day but it became unbearable to the point that I didn't care anymore, I was grateful for that portajohn. Apologies if that analogy offends anyone but I don't want this, it feels like more of a need. Can anyone else relate?

To continue the analogy, I gave in and used the portajohn a couple of days ago, I jerked off to the thought of Aaron railing my wife and the release was intense. Told myself it was a one time slip and I’d lock it down again. Last night it happened twice. Already know it’s probably happening again tonight.

No clue what the next move is. Still craving more of the details though.

[hwlurker88]

This is quite the roller coaster! I'm not sure if I feel bad for you or envy you. It first I definitely felt bad for you. But since you have returned and you have appeared to embrace the kink of it. Now I envy your journey forward. Obviously hoping that she will stay with you and help you discover and play with these emotions as a loving wife.

[GnGHottie]

I appreciate all the replies and advice. Apologies for not getting back to anyone, honestly, Greg_N_Shelley's research about the fantasy not going away scared me a little so I took troilusand's advice and went cold turkey on it.

You mentioned “…when I’m sitting on a few things myself.” I’m guessing there are details about your past affair (or maybe other events) that you haven’t shared with her.

No, I have no secrets in that regard. I was referring to not telling her I knew about her cheating and not telling her about it turning me on.

Fetishes and acquired sexual interests (especially those that emerge or intensify in adulthood, like in response to a triggering event such as discovering an affair) tend to be long-term or lifelong for most people. They don't typically vanish completely just by ignoring them or trying to suppress thoughts.

For non-consensual discovery scenarios specifically, forums and anecdotal reports (including in hotwife/cuckold spaces) frequently describe the fantasy becoming a recurring, central theme even years later, despite efforts to bury it. The shame cycle you mentioned often keeps feeding it indirectly.

When I first read all this I honestly didn’t buy it. Over Christmas I managed to shove it to the back of my head, things felt almost normal again, so I figured I could just repeat the trick. Deep down though there was this nagging worry it might actually be true, so I tried hard not to give the thoughts any oxygen. I searched the web for psychological advice. I tried to distract my mind, focussed on fitness and strength training. I tried cutting way back on jerking off or if I had to, find some unrelated porn to focus on. We didn't talk anymore about what she did, we just kind of agreed to move on. But it wasn’t the same as Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s because now I know for sure it happened, and she knows I know.

I think I said before that after I cheated on her, she refused to suck my cock because of the thought of it being in another woman's pussy. That seemed to carry on until present and foreplay for us has been heavily focussed on me going down on her and she's quite confident about insisting on it. Well that didn't change after revealing that she cheated. I thought about refusing to or bringing it up but ultimately thought better of it, that might've been a mistake. Every time I've gone down on her since, my mind fills with thoughts and voices of things she could say to me while I'm eating her pussy, I can't control it.

After a week of trying to give up the thoughts, I doubled down, avoiding going down on her and trying to busy myself with anything non-sexual I could find. After 3 weeks I was losing hope and started doing that dumb thing where you threaten yourself with worst case scenarios if you don’t get a grip. It was even less successful. If I got horny, those "threats" would just turn me on more. It's funny, I liken it to an experience at a music festival once where I had brutal stomach cramps, desperately needed to shit but the portajohns were disgusting. I avoided it for most the day but it became unbearable to the point that I didn't care anymore, I was grateful for that portajohn. Apologies if that analogy offends anyone but I don't want this, it feels like more of a need. Can anyone else relate?

To continue the analogy, I gave in and used the portajohn a couple of days ago, I jerked off to the thought of Aaron railing my wife and the release was intense. Told myself it was a one time slip and I’d lock it down again. Last night it happened twice. Already know it’s probably happening again tonight.

No clue what the next move is. Still craving more of the details though.

She’s still fucking him and loves the idea of insisting you eat her pussy so much, because she’s making you taste him indirectly from her cunt after he uses her … even if he doesn’t cum inside her. Genuinely, I hope you are smart enough to realize this. There is zero way she isn’t still fucking him and getting off on you going down on her after his dick has been inside her pussy.

[HotwifeBabs]

I appreciate all the replies and advice. Apologies for not getting back to anyone, honestly, Greg_N_Shelley's research about the fantasy not going away scared me a little so I took troilusand's advice and went cold turkey on it.

You mentioned “…when I’m sitting on a few things myself.” I’m guessing there are details about your past affair (or maybe other events) that you haven’t shared with her.

No, I have no secrets in that regard. I was referring to not telling her I knew about her cheating and not telling her about it turning me on.

Fetishes and acquired sexual interests (especially those that emerge or intensify in adulthood, like in response to a triggering event such as discovering an affair) tend to be long-term or lifelong for most people. They don't typically vanish completely just by ignoring them or trying to suppress thoughts.

For non-consensual discovery scenarios specifically, forums and anecdotal reports (including in hotwife/cuckold spaces) frequently describe the fantasy becoming a recurring, central theme even years later, despite efforts to bury it. The shame cycle you mentioned often keeps feeding it indirectly.

When I first read all this I honestly didn’t buy it. Over Christmas I managed to shove it to the back of my head, things felt almost normal again, so I figured I could just repeat the trick. Deep down though there was this nagging worry it might actually be true, so I tried hard not to give the thoughts any oxygen. I searched the web for psychological advice. I tried to distract my mind, focussed on fitness and strength training. I tried cutting way back on jerking off or if I had to, find some unrelated porn to focus on. We didn't talk anymore about what she did, we just kind of agreed to move on. But it wasn’t the same as Christmas. I’m pretty sure it’s because now I know for sure it happened, and she knows I know.

I think I said before that after I cheated on her, she refused to suck my cock because of the thought of it being in another woman's pussy. That seemed to carry on until present and foreplay for us has been heavily focussed on me going down on her and she's quite confident about insisting on it. Well that didn't change after revealing that she cheated. I thought about refusing to or bringing it up but ultimately thought better of it, that might've been a mistake. Every time I've gone down on her since, my mind fills with thoughts and voices of things she could say to me while I'm eating her pussy, I can't control it.

After a week of trying to give up the thoughts, I doubled down, avoiding going down on her and trying to busy myself with anything non-sexual I could find. After 3 weeks I was losing hope and started doing that dumb thing where you threaten yourself with worst case scenarios if you don’t get a grip. It was even less successful. If I got horny, those "threats" would just turn me on more. It's funny, I liken it to an experience at a music festival once where I had brutal stomach cramps, desperately needed to shit but the portajohns were disgusting. I avoided it for most the day but it became unbearable to the point that I didn't care anymore, I was grateful for that portajohn. Apologies if that analogy offends anyone but I don't want this, it feels like more of a need. Can anyone else relate?

To continue the analogy, I gave in and used the portajohn a couple of days ago, I jerked off to the thought of Aaron railing my wife and the release was intense. Told myself it was a one time slip and I’d lock it down again. Last night it happened twice. Already know it’s probably happening again tonight.

No clue what the next move is. Still craving more of the details though.

You are suffering with a lot of unresolved issues. You need to seek help to work through them. Your intense orgasms are going to become a driver that will push you towards something I truly think you don't want. Start a chatgpt account and put all of these feelings into a prompt. It might not be a therapist but it will help some.

The one thing I didn't read in your post was communication with each other. You can't just ignore it ever happened and go back to normal. It doesn't work like that. In fact I think it will do the opposite, it will become an unresolved obsession that will create resentment and possibly destroy your marriage.

[ShyWife60]

Maybe tell her how you like when she goes out with friends, that it makes you want her so much when she gets home and how she seems extra wet when she gets home and you like it. Then ask her what she thinks is making her so wet.

Good advice

[joel68]

A lot of advice here. Have you come to any decisions as to how you intend to deal with this?

[coastalkid]

You are suffering with a lot of unresolved issues. You need to seek help to work through them. Your intense orgasms are going to become a driver that will push you towards something I truly think you don't want. Start a chatgpt account and put all of these feelings into a prompt. It might not be a therapist but it will help some.

The one thing I didn't read in your post was communication with each other. You can't just ignore it ever happened and go back to normal. It doesn't work like that. In fact I think it will do the opposite, it will become an unresolved obsession that will create resentment and possibly destroy your marriage.

Resentment in any form is like a cancer to a relationship. It sneaks in on you. It starts out as a small thing and grows over time. While I don't have experience with the hot wife lifestyle I do have lots of experience with resentment.

I grew to resent my wife and her ambivalent attitude about sex. It nearly ended us. It festered inside my heart and soul. It wasn't until I had an emotional breakdown that things changed. It could have been so much easier on both of us if I had addressed my resentment earlier on. Instead I let it grow. Huge mistake on my part. I could have saved ourselves from all that anxiety and drama but I put off the discussion. I had convinced myself that talking wouldn't do anything. I was wrong. Not talking made things worse.

The resentment I fostered led me to see us as adversaries. I was turning it into a self fulfilling prophesy. I convinced myself that my wife didn't love me. The only voice I heard was my own. When we finally had an open, honest discussion I realized I allowed myself to believe things that were not true or real.

We are in a much better place today. Our communication is much better. Our sex life is far superior to what it was. Communicating can still feel/be awkward and uncomfortable at times but not nearly as heart wrenching as an emotional breakdown. It's worth feeling awkward and uncomfortable in contrast to the alternative.

HotwifeBabs is right on! The longer you wait to address things the more difficult it will become.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with this, Mike. It wasn’t my intention to emotionally rattle you. Quite the opposite, in fact. My aim is to emphasize there is nothing wrong with you. And being okay with yourself — whatever that should mean — is foundational to sanity and reestablishing a healthy relationship.

I agree with others here. If you’re wrestling in inner conflict, maybe try talking with a professional. You’re among friends here who understand this awakened kink. But nearly everyone on this site has come to accept (and in most cases, embrace) who we are. And our relationships have been beautifully enriched as a result. But that’s not where your head is right now, and I don’t think your relationship can truly heal until you sort out your feelings.

[Shiphead]

John,
Tons of good advise here. But to go back to your vanilla life isn't good enough. It made her want more of something she isn't getting at home.
Now is the time to make the extra effort. Bring home some lingerie. Have it laying on the bed when she comes home from work. Then take charge and tell her she's going to suck your dick because you want it. Get some toys to use on her pussy. Bring it out as your going down on her. She liked to get ready and fixed up for him. Have her get ready and fixed up for you. Take her out looking hot, have a few drinks to loosen her up, then take her home and get some doggie style. Find different everything. Read a book or two on sex positions. Also massage. Then smack her ass and have her lay on her stomach. Fuck her like that. You need to step up your game John. You gave her vanilla but now she's had a sundae. Vanilla won't cut it.

[mike82]

This is quite the roller coaster! I'm not sure if I feel bad for you or envy you. It first I definitely felt bad for you. But since you have returned and you have appeared to embrace the kink of it. Now I envy your journey forward. Obviously hoping that she will stay with you and help you discover and play with these emotions as a loving wife.

I've chewed on this for a good while now and there has been a sense of inevitability about this whole thing, not just recently but for a long time. Back in the day I always figured if she ever stepped out on me, that'd be it, no way I'd be able to get past it, I'd be gone. Then when I screwed up and cheated, I was dead certain she'd kick my ass to the curb. Was honestly shocked (and pretty damn grateful) when she stuck around, even though it took a tonne of work to patch things up. I used to feel terrible for how hard it must've been on her, picturing myself in her shoes trying to forgive the same thing. Felt like I owed her, you know? Like if she ever had a weak moment and did it to me, I would have to man up and forgive her too. Guess I thought about that scenario more than a normal person probably should. It was always my biggest nightmare, but I kinda braced myself for having to suck it up and let it go if it ever happened. Never got off on the idea though, just made me feel sick.

Thing is, me cheating really flipped something in my head. Lately in my fantasies there's this recurring thing where she cheats to get back at me, like straight up punishment for what I did. She's been crystal clear it wasn't about payback at all, but imagining her telling me she did it to punish me hits some messed up switch for me. It's fucked up, I know.

I'm scared shitless what she'll think if I actually tell her it turns me on. Pretty sure she'll lose all respect for me. Like I'll just be the pathetic guy who gets off on being humiliated or something.

[joel68]

A major dilemma, that for sure. Do you regret telling her in the first place or were you unable to live with the guilt?

Interesting that you cheated once and she cheated multiple times. Do you think she has gotten her payback by now?

As I see it, telling her about your kink is a crapshoot. Her reaction could be a lot of things. I don’t envy you in dealing with all of this. But then again, it appears the status quo is not the best way to live either.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Btw, do you think she is still seeing Aaron but covering her tracks better? Any inkling or suspicions that she is still seeing him?

[Jujube]

I think if you approach it from the angle that you are revealing your innermost self, and you are confounded that the whole thing inexplicably excites you. You could even reveal that you researched it( the sperm competition thing), and confide in her that you’re confused. I think that would soften the shock, and even open up a dialogue about details and what to do going forward. I think you don’t know what to do about it, but it undoubtedly excites you in an angsty sort of way. This way will relieve her of any confrontational vibes and probably open the door to more discussion about the way forward.

[Jujube]

I think, deep down, you want her to keep seeing Aaron, but given her traumatic experience of being caught, not sure that she does. The easiest would be the cheating angle, where nothing has changed except you’re on board with her. Later, it could come out as an “arrangement.” There was a story in the Cuckold section ( I’ll try to locate it) where the guy had extreme reluctance for his girlfriend to do his best friend, but eventually he went down the rabbit hole with her and it became very exciting for them. I don’t know how to post links but I’ll get the title.. similar situation.

[allways]

I think if you approach it from the angle that you are revealing your innermost self, and you are confounded that the whole thing inexplicably excites you. You could even reveal that you researched it( the sperm competition thing), and confide in her that you’re confused. I think that would soften the shock, and even open up a dialogue about details and what to do going forward. I think you don’t know what to do about it, but it undoubtedly excites you in an angsty sort of way. This way will relieve her of any confrontational vibes and probably open the door to more discussion about the way forward.

Very good advice from Jujube. I did not expect to hear from you again Mike82. What your experiencing is your cuckold side. Over 50% of men are turned on by the thought of another man having sex with their wife while they wank. Some can watch others are just turned on hearing about it. Only probably 2% of men act on that fantasy.

As has been said many times not talking about it with your wife is no solution. The only other thing you could do is find a person who does counseling for cuckolds. Just tell your wife you are going together for counseling don't mention the cuckolding aspect and stress you love her and want your relationship to thrive but what has evolved has you struggling.

I think your half way there. There is nothing disgusting about enjoying it provided you can get your wife to appreciate that she can have a husband who loves her and she can also scratch the itch that tempted her to be unfaithful initially. As long as it is only her having the hall pass and you encourage and support her many woman realise how much their husband does love them. It takes time for them to get their head around it but if you show affection and support it can work.

https://cuckoldtherapy.com/do-you-need- ... ng-wisely/