Advice on making it work

[Baydog]

I’m not even sure if there’s really anything to do on my situation. Maybe I’m just writing to get my thoughts out, but maybe I can get some advice or perspective from this community.

I love my wife, who I’ll refer to as Marie. She’s beautiful, loving, honest and intelligent. Shes very successful professionally, but it’s a high stress job. Marie has faced betrayal from friends and family her whole life; all she’s wanted is to love and respect others and have them treat her the same way. I’ve been her rock and still am. There is no doubt that she loves me above everything else.

She also is in love with another man. She never imagined a polyamorous situation but that’s where we are. It started as a hotwife fantasy of mine that she was willing to try but has moved much past that. Her relationship with her boyfriend, who I’ll call Ben, is very important to her and she’d say he’s the “least complicated friend she’s ever had”. Neither wants more of each other than they have, but their relationship has honestly helped both of them grow as people. He brings her joy and makes her feel sexy and desired. She’s gained more of a sense of self worth and empowerment. He’s also, over time, allowed himself to open up to her in a way I know a man like him never has. Her face brightens whenever she thinks of him and, though he wouldn’t be as explicit, he is in love with her. For a long time he wouldn’t open up to her emotionally as he worried it would hurt our marriage, but now that he knows I’m comfortable with it he is too.

At the start he was a “bull” and she adored his big cock, thick muscles and insane stamina. And though those are still present obviously, he’s no longer just a sexual part of her life. However, he is the primary sexual component of her life.

Understand that if I were to make some sort of demand she stop seeing him it would be devastating. The same as if any spouse demanded their husband or wife to stop seeing their best friend. When we have talked Marie says that she would do end their relationship if I asked, but even though we’d be married there would be irreparable damage to our relationship. It bothers me she says this because it cheapens the deep connection they have and I know she’s saying it just for my benefit. I’m not looking for advice on how to end it nor warnings that somehow she’d leave me for him. I don’t want it to end; I just want to make this work.

I feel left out. This is her relationship and though Marie will answer any questions I ask and she wants me to be happy, it’s not a hotwife thing. She’s not interested in my involvement and honestly never has been. I’ve met him twice in the 8-ish years they’ve been together. She let me watch once, which I thought was great, but which made her uncomfortable. Beyond the obvious strangeness of having someone watching, she doesn’t want to “hurt me” by showing how into him she really is.

I’ve tried to tell her that it’s ok to hurt me. Tell me he has a bigger cock or fucks here better. Though this is hyperbole, I tell her she can tell me he’s so good she doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. I don’t want that, but her actually feeling that way and not telling me that truly hurts. She doesn’t get, despite what I say, why showing much she’s so into him brings me joy while “saving me” from being hurt actually causes emotional pain. She sees it through her eyes only and I just can’t convince her that it’s different for me.

Plus, I don’t think she wants me involved. She knows I like to go down on her after she’s been with him. Eating a creampie is fun and makes me feel close to her. It also makes me feel part of it. But, it’s only for my benefit. She doesn’t mind it but has told doesn’t get off on it. At the very least it isn’t important to her. Sometimes after she’s been with him, I’m waiting for her to come home so we can make love. However she does some shopping first. Not to be mean to me, but because it’s convenient as he lives near stores and we live in the middle of nowhere. It’s obvious she doesn’t really consider me in this regard. Honestly I think she doesn’t want my involvement in this or any aspect despite only confessing ambivalence.

She refuses to be dominant sexually with me. In other aspects of our life she has no problem with it. She actually asked me to be more dominant with her, which blows my mind. I get she freaking loves being submissive, but she has that with Ben. I’ve asked her to ask him for advice on getting me involved, as I think he understands that aspect of things, but she hasn’t and I know she won’t. In the beginning he’d ask her whose cock was better or who owns her pussy and it was lots of fun, but those times are gone and it’s just about them now.

I don’t want to be a baby about it and I don’t want to turn something that brings her so much joy into a mess because I “need” to be a part of their friendship. I know I started all this and she’s not required to behave according to the fantasies I once had. So, I get resentful and upset and start telling myself stories. We go for periods without sex and it’s almost like I’d rather just not have sex because I don’t want to burden her with my needs. It’s like I get to a point where I want to stay upset, which is obviously dumb and damaging to me emotionally. I used to get this rush thinking about them and it made me obsessed with her. Now that’s just not part of it anymore. It makes me sad; I really miss it.

What do I do? Can I find a way to make peace with this? I don’t want to resent her or myself. I don’t want her to end that relationship. I also don’t want to feel this way. Maybe I just need perspective and a new mindset. I’d love advice, but please don’t be disparaging to Marie. I still love her deeply and think she’s an angel. If you knew her you’d think the same.

[allways]

I feel left out. This is her relationship and though Marie will answer any questions I ask and she wants me to be happy, it’s not a hotwife thing. She’s not interested in my involvement and honestly never has been.

She sees it through her eyes only and I just can’t convince her that it’s different for me.

Plus, I don’t think she wants me involved. She knows I like to go down on her after she’s been with him. Eating a creampie is fun and makes me feel close to her. It also makes me feel part of it. But, it’s only for my benefit. She doesn’t mind it but has told doesn’t get off on it. At the very least it isn’t important to her.

Sometimes after she’s been with him, I’m waiting for her to come home so we can make love. However she does some shopping first.

It’s obvious she doesn’t really consider me in this regard. Honestly I think she doesn’t want my involvement in this or any aspect despite only confessing ambivalence.

She refuses to be dominant sexually with me. I’ve asked her to ask him for advice on getting me involved, as I think he understands that aspect of things, but she hasn’t and I know she won’t.

I get resentful and upset and start telling myself stories. We go for periods without sex and it’s almost like I’d rather just not have sex because I don’t want to burden her with my needs. It’s like I get to a point where I want to stay upset, which is obviously dumb and damaging to me emotionally. I used to get this rush thinking about them and it made me obsessed with her. Now that’s just not part of it anymore. It makes me sad; I really miss it.

What do I do? Can I find a way to make peace with this? I don’t want to resent her or myself. I don’t want her to end that relationship. I also don’t want to feel this way. Maybe I just need perspective and a new mindset. I’d love advice, but please don’t be disparaging to Marie. I still love her deeply and think she’s an angel.

I have been where your going and would like to chat. I am going send you a message and we can start there. As no one else has yet commented I can contribute here when that happens. Your wife and mine could be sisters from what you have revealed above. I would prefer that aspect of the discussion was just one on one with you.Have a look on top reading right for a red 1 under private messages.
Kind Regards Tom