New here. I think my wife's having an affair. What to do?

[Greg_N_Shelley]

...I've been avoiding the topic with her other than a couple of half-joking comments about black guys. She says Aaron gives her everything she needs and she's not really interested in anyone else but I know she only started with him because he showed interest. If some other dude did the same thing and she was into it, we'd have to have a proper discussion about what difference it makes if it's Aaron or someone else. I think I've compartmentalized it as only an Aaron thing, someone that she's already been with so it doesn't make too much difference.
I'm aware that we probably need to have the conversation, I think I'm just afraid that it might prompt something I'm not ready for.

I'm a little confused about what the problem is here? From a 'risk management' and 'balance' perspective, expressing her appetite beyond Aaron is a good thing. It tells me her main drive is about the sex and not about Aaron, specifically. That seems healthy to me.

Do you want her being uniquely attached to Aaron as the sole source of satisfying her desires?

My girl had a favorite FB for 14 years—a guy whom she shared a special sexual chemistry with. But we were all on the same sheet from day one, he was experienced in the lifestyle, full transparency (I was present most of the time), frequency was a handful of times per year, etc. He was our ‘go-to’ guy for years whenever the itch arose. But if she was meeting him exclusively, solo every week, and I knew she was opaque about many things with him (managing disclosure to me), I'm sure I would have pushed for expanding her stable to avoid an unhealthy attachment.

[mike82]

I'm a little confused about what the problem is here? From a 'risk management' and 'balance' perspective, expressing her appetite beyond Aaron is a good thing. It tells me her main drive is about the sex and not about Aaron, specifically. That seems healthy to me.

I agree with the logic of it, I just struggle with the concept of her fucking other guys or even her thinking about it.
With Aaron, it had already happened, she knew he could give her something more. In my head I rationalize it like she is going for a massage, a service better than I can give her. She doesn't see him in public, I don't see him at all, it's like a sex toy that she gets out of a box every now and then. Afterwards, it goes back in the box and we go back to normal.
The idea of her bumping into someone else she finds attractive, especially while she's with me, seems way too far. I don't know if she considers herself sexually available to other guys. I hope she doesn't but frankly, I've had fantasies of her telling me "I'm going to fuck this guy" but it hurts.
I guess I imagine her with Aaron being purely sexual and meeting him because she knows the sex will be satisfying. With other guys, she doesn't know how they'll perform so it would be purely out of attraction which seems somehow worse.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

With other guys, she doesn't know how they'll perform so it would be purely out of attraction which seems somehow worse.

I can’t speak for everyone, but seems there’s always an element of attraction in this. I doubt she would have gone over to Aaron’s last year for bikini show-and-tell if there wasn’t some degree of attraction.

We've talked about it and I'm all for it, I'll tell her she looks great and appreciate it. She says seeing Aaron prompts her to do it but it's mostly for me that she likes looking good. I think there's probably some truth in both of those things.

…Maybe it's just me feeling insecure and I think I've upped the effort I put into my appearance in response.

You’ve both upped your appearance. You like the way she looks. She says it’s both for you and Aaron. And I’m guessing that makes her feel good about herself.

All sounds like good stuff from where I’m sitting.

When we go out, mall, dinner, whatever, I notice she's looking hotter than before and I see other guys checking her out more now. I've mentioned it to her but she doesn't even clock it. Same with waiters and shop people who get a bit flirty when they don't realize I'm with her. She just thinks they're being friendly and she'll flirt right back.

Oh, Mike. We need to stuff some worry beads in your stocking this Christmas.

[coastalkid]

I agree with the logic of it, I just struggle with the concept of her fucking other guys or even her thinking about it.
With Aaron, it had already happened, she knew he could give her something more. In my head I rationalize it like she is going for a massage, a service better than I can give her. She doesn't see him in public, I don't see him at all, it's like a sex toy that she gets out of a box every now and then. Afterwards, it goes back in the box and we go back to normal.
The idea of her bumping into someone else she finds attractive, especially while she's with me, seems way too far. I don't know if she considers herself sexually available to other guys. I hope she doesn't but frankly, I've had fantasies of her telling me "I'm going to fuck this guy" but it hurts.
I guess I imagine her with Aaron being purely sexual and meeting him because she knows the sex will be satisfying. With other guys, she doesn't know how they'll perform so it would be purely out of attraction which seems somehow worse.

Look knowing there will always be younger, bigger, better out there is a given. Facing it in reality is an altogether different thing, especially if it doesn't turn you on "enough" when you weigh it out. I've always believed that "learning to love" something is never going to be the same as wanting it and craving it. It feels like that's where you're at, learning to love it. It has to be accompanied with the ups and downs of that process. I can also see how difficult it is knowing that Aaron is a known satisfying sex partner and a preference to other unknown potential partners. It also leaves you knowing that you are a "known" value and not her honest first choice as a "satisfier". Whether she has never said that or not, that is something you live with and only she can help you through it.

I get wanting the thrill of her wanting to fuck other guys. I just don't think EVERYBODY wants the emotional/mental angst that comes with it, especially if it turns you off. I don't care what it is, if it's no fun it's no fun, or more precisely if it's it's more anguish than it is fun then it's not worth pursuing either. I'm sure that in the heat of the moment you are excited by it. It's just those other hours of the day when you head won't stop from going to to the dark places. That may be the angst/anxiety some guys crave. They may try to tell you that you'll "learn to love it". They may even say they were JUST LIKE you, but they aren't!

My heart goes out to you buddy, sincerely! So many guys want what you have SO badly! I don't think they understand what it's like when you feel hurt from it. I get that some people get a thrill from that hurt, but not everyone! My hope is that your wife is sensitive enough to see what your are dealing with and helps you both get to a place where you can fully enjoy yourself. That's the best scenario, right? Hang tight! Don't hide your feelings from yourself or your wife. That means when it's good and when it's bad!