sadie wrote:aguy4pleasure wrote:I sometimes wonder what good is done by dissecting all the events from our past that have contributed to our choices to act as we do. Yes, there are some events that are clearly "cause and effect." However, when it comes to sexual choices like yours, how does one meaningfully go about determining what is attributed to this or that. It seems to me some of who we are is made from reactions to past events, Yet, even those are intermingled with tendencies beyond our control or choice. Then, we make choices about how we will respond to that intermingled web of nature and nurture. And, those choices become a part of that brew. We seem to have a need to measure whatever comes out against some sense of "normal" and decide we are either "good" or "bad." Then, wonder how we "forgive" whatever is or has contributed to the "bad."
You have chosen a very unconventional life style. You seem to enjoy it. Did your parents aloofness contribute to your exhibitionism that then contributed to your cousin taking advantage of you at a young age? That's one way of writing that narrative. Would another be something like:
"My parents left me alone to figure out my budding sexuality for myself. Even at a young age I was flirting and experimenting with my sexual nature and passion. I teased and tempted my cousin until he gave in and seduced me. Then, he repeated his advances over and over until suddenly he stopped. Despite people then and since who have told me it was "wrong," I still found enjoyment in what happened. I've struggled with the "rightness" and "wrongness" of my tendencies, risks, and passions. Now, I have a husband who loves and cares for me and supports me in my adventures. Sometimes my risks get me into situations I don't like, but I have gotten myself out. Other times, they get me into situations I really enjoy. Now, I'm just sorting out what I like and don't like, what I will risk and what I will avoid."
Just a thought.
I couldn't disagree more completely. First there is no such thing as benign neglect when it comes to the relationship between parents and their children.
Second, you trivialize Carrie's experience as "lifestyle" that's "chosen". It couldn't be more clear to me that she's followed her heart, with the result being both intense joy and some complex pain.
Last, Carrie has for all intents and purposes been assaulted multiple times and taken the full brunt of shame that women often feel after rape etc. Many of these experiences could have come off much worse. She's also frankly quite lucky to have come through these experiences without contracting HIV or some other STI.
I'm sure she's going to be fine, I carry my own scars from the past, in my case ultimately the choice came down to understanding my demons or suicide. I sincerely wish my optimism will be borne out.
Sadie,
I agree with much of your critique of my comments.
"Benign" was an inappropriate word. "Neglect" is clear. No matter, it seems to me she had little support from her parents to help her shape her early sexual urges and experiences (let alone a healthy sense of self in general, for which she appears to me to have done remarkably well without their help).
It was not my intent to "trivialize" her lifestyle choices. Rather, it seemed to me she struggled throughout her life with the "rightness" of that choice. My intent was to encourage her to embrace her sexuality from it's beginnings rather than struggle with the "rightness" or "wrongness" of it. And, I for one, support here and elsewhere in this forum, the choices Carrie makes. Frankly, I find her posts some of the most refreshing and, if I can risk the word, "wholesome" I've read.
Further, I in no way ever want to trivialize abuse. Yes, it does seem to me Carrie plays on an edge around the abuse and that does concern me. I'll leave that to Carrie and her therapist to parse out. However, what (who was it, Aaron) did, I felt was way over a line and I was glad she ditched him. No human should treat another human in that way. And, yes, I'm clear that and other experiences like it have left scars with Carrie.
My ultimate intent was to suggest an alternative narrative upon which Carrie might consider building to both affirm her sexuality while healing from the abuse. I apologize to you, Carrie, and the forum, if you don't feel I succeeded.