I agree with you on all points, but I do need to clarify one thing so you don't think too poorly of me:
I should specify I don't want any person to be a human sex toy. I merely came to the realization that in all my fantasy scenarios of my wife sleeping with another man that everything in the fantasy was focused on my wife's sexual enjoyment. The man was not developed in my thoughts in any way. All my fantasies had this in common, that another person was there with my wife and that they were a man. That was the extent of that portion of the fantasy.
It was the realization of this aspect of my fantasies that every man in these scenarios of mine was nothing more than a walking dildo. I never gave any thought to what the other side of a hotwife encounter would be for my wife. I have since begun considering what type of man my wife would be attracted to, and that was the point I realized that I truly fear her falling in love with another man. I decided I was in no way ready to broach the subject with her.
Saying that however, people change. I may not be like this forever. The possibility exists that I will overcome my anxiety and be able to handle this lifestyle in the future, and despite knowing I wouldn't be able to handle it now I still fantasize over the idea. This is why I asked my original question as every bit of advice I get could potentially be a catalyst for change as I consider new avenues that I hadn't previously.
Hope this explanation helps alleviate your perception of me.