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by curiousdave » Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:21 pm
Sorry for the long delay again. Been a weird kind of time. More and more people have found out and that's caused a lot of visitors and invitations and stuff like that. Friends trying to be there for me/look out for me. It's kept me busy and tired. All I've really wanted to do was chill alone but I appreciate their caring and didn't want to be rude. The big consensus is Jenna is a bitch and I'm better off without her. And I don't even want to say what most have thought of my dad. Not pretty to say the least. When I've explained (not often but to a few) that I am not holding it against them and still love them, well just like here, most can't comprehend it. They think I'm crazy and I think (even though it wasn't said outwardly) that I am weak and a pussy. My best friend has refrained from bashing anyone and like I said before has given me my space and doesn't bring it up. He's single and has tried to get me to bar hop and go out and find some pussy with him, but so far I've declined saying I'm just not ready.
Jenna has kept in touch regularly. I even broke down and called her a couple of times myself. Even though I have handled it well in my opinion there were a couple of nights I got really down and just needed to talk with her some. She was so sweet and loving acting on the phone with me. I felt I could really Feel her love and how sorry she feels about everything. I know some think this is cruel of her and stupid of me but we have been involved with one another forever and it's not an easy break at all. I'm not sure I'll ever break free completely (not mentally anyway). Just hearing her soft sweet voice, knowing what she's up too, well it soothes me somehow. I feel excited when I see her name on my caller id. She still excites me more than words can say. I accept that I will never make love to her again or even hold or kiss her, but knowing that woman is still involved with me in some way makes me happy and even turned on. That part is very hard to explain correctly but it's a fact. Wrong or right I feel turned on by her still. I may move on one day. I may even find another beautiful and sexy woman to spend my life with (hard to picture it right now) but it could happen I know. But I really can't picture not being turned on by Jenna, no matter what's going on in my own life. She is just perfect to me in every way. I don't think I will ever really replace her, not completely anyway.
I haven't spent any time with her in person in a while now. I find myself looking through old photos a good bit. And I am still jacking off nightly to her image in my mind. Her's and his actually. Remembering some of our hot nights with her sharing and the intensity of it all. How great it was for such a brief period. That level of excitement will never be repeated in my life I'm sure. Things are still weird between my Dad and me obviously so we haven't talked but once on the phone. It's just as much me as it is him so I am not blaming him for it. It's just strange trying to talk normally now. Our conversation was pretty brief and to the point but not angry or anything like that. Just weird I guess. I know it's hard to imagine it ever happening for people here or even myself but I do hope that one day, somehow we can regain a little of what was lost...somehow. I want to be in his life to some degree, at least a little bit. And I think he feels the same. Crazier things have happened I'm sure.
So let me tell of my final sexual encounter with Jenna. Like I said before I know this won't be everyone's cup of tea but based on a few comments here and there some may like it. At first I really considered myself truly pathetic over it all but as time has passed I've gotten more and more easy on myself over the whole thing. I am who I am and I can try and improve in life but I can't help what turns me on or why, I am who I am and that's all I can say. It was on the Saturday night before she left me. We had spent all day together talking and her comforting me. We had gone out for a late dinner and a few drinks and come home and gotten back into the whole thing again. She only drank one glass of wine that night so she could be the driver and allow me to have a few more since I obviously needed it more than her that night. I was feeling better due to the alcohol and her spending so much time trying to make me feel loved and not abandoned. I guess her attention and the booze somehow gave me the wrong idea. We were upstairs in the bedroom, just sitting on the bed together talking. Not lying down or anything just sitting and talking. I looked in her beautiful eyes and remember thinking I just have to taste her again. I leaned over and kissed her on the lips. She didn't jump away or anything but she put her hand on my chest and sort of softly pushed me away. She tilted her head and sadly looked at me saying "We can't do this." I guess since she was so sweet about it and not angry I didn't really get the message. I playfully grabbed her and sort of climbed on top of her pinning her down. I wasn't being rough or mean, just playful like the old days. She never yelled or fought back hard or anything, just placed her hands on my chest and kept pushing me away. I don't remember everything I said because I was very buzzed but I said stuff like "Come on, just one more time" and "Oh I can't even kiss you anymore", stuff like that. I was in a different place mentally than she was. I was horny and very turned on and she was trying to let me down gracefully and not hurt me. Here I was in the same bedroom with the woman who I adored and lusted after more than anything in the world and she was looking so hot to me (she always does) and I had some nice boozed filled courage going. I just overstepped my bounds (my very new boundaries).
She kept fighting off my advances until I got angry. I rolled off her and pouted next to her. I know I probably acted like a foolish child but obviously I was hurt and at that point a little drunk. She just let me sit there and sulk for a bit without saying anything. Finally she spoke and tried once again to soothe my hurt pride and ego. She told me how much she loves me and always will but we just can't do this sort of thing anymore. I think I snapped at her a little and asked "Why because you're his now?" She paused for what seemed like a very long time, just looking at me in the eyes. She had watery eyes herself and that just made them more pretty to me. Finally she spoke and said "Yes, because I'm his now." It seemed like she hated saying it to me, knowing it would hurt. And it did hurt me, but it did something else too. It turned me on. We had basically already gone down this road in our hours of conversations but it was never "point blank" said in that way. I already knew it, had pretty much accepted the fact by that point, but still hearing it said in such a way, such a tone, it really affected me.
I already had gotten a boner from being on top of her and grinding against her (although it had started to dwindle in the moments sulking before) but it quickly returned , bigger and harder than before. I don't think she noticed then and I'm sure she wasn't even thinking about any of that kind of thing in that moment. She was concerned for me and looking for signs of my pain probably. I remember turning to face her (both of us lying on our sides) just staring at the beautiful creature in front of me. Longing to hold her again, go down on her, taste her sweet juices. I placed a hand on her face and caressed her soft silky cheek. I was and still am so in love with her. I leaned in for another kiss and she stopped me. Her look was so pained at that moment. I think she felt horrible denying me in that way. I really do. I think she felt like the lowest scum on the earth judging by her facial expression. She knew she was denying her still husband (the man she knows adores her to death) any kind of sexual release or satisfaction because she belonged to someone else. She belongs to my dad and she knew how that was, what that would make her and how horrible she must be to let this all happen in this way. I could feel all that from her, from her look, from her eyes. I really could. But still through it all I was turned on, excited wildly.
I was turned on but by then I had gotten the message. It wasn't going to happen no matter how badly I wanted or needed it to. She was his now and it was very apparent she was going to be faithful to him. That thought only drove my excitement even further. She was now my Dad's woman. She loved him so much she wouldn't allow me to touch her in an inappropriate way. It hurt her to do it, to deny me but still the fact was she now was his and their bond and love was too strong to tarnish or break, even for me.
After she stopped my kiss attempt again I tried to pull my hand away from her face. All of a sudden I felt dirty and exposed and perverted. I was trying to soil what they had and it made me feel cheap and disgusting. I also remember thinking I didn't want to hurt her like this, make her feel bad for having to stop me. She didn't let me pull my hand away. She grabbed it with both hands now and kept it up against her face in a loving embrace. She cupped my hand in both her hands tightly and lovingly holding it right there. I looked at her again and a tear was rolling down her cheek. She told me she was sorry and I squeezed her hand with mine and told her it's ok, I understand. Once she could see I was calmed down and not going to get the wrong impression again she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I smiled at her and told her thanks. She smiled back sweetly and still had a tear hanging on her cheek, just sitting there with a trail from her eye all the way to the corner of her mouth. I wanted to lick it off, taste her sweet skin again but knew not too. For a second I thought about getting up and leaving because in my horny state of mind it was torturous to lay there so close to her (but so far) and not be able to do anything about it. But somewhere in all the lustful haze I realized this might be the last time I ever laid with her and felt this closeness. I thought I better take it all before it's gone forever. I knew she was leaving the next day and I didn't want it to come. I wanted to lay there and be near her forever.
After a while we started talking again and both of us settled down emotionally. She was no longer crying and I no longer sported a hard on. I ended up bringing the whole "Her being his" thing up again. At first she was so careful not to sting or hurt me but after a while she could tell where I was going with it all. Honestly I can't remember everything said now. Some I probably manufactured in my own mind in the days that followed, imagining things that I wanted to hear or see and of course I was tipsy as well. But I do know that I ended up telling her I was turned on she was his now and that she was such a strong, liberated woman that she knew how to get whatever she wanted out of life. She admitted she loved him and she knew she needed him in her life, so she did what she had to do and took it. She already knew I had some of these thoughts from previous sessions we had but this was the first time I admitted it under these less than sexy circumstances. She never acted shocked or displeased to hear it from me but I wouldn't say she seemed turned on or glad either. She just took it all in with a sweet look on her face.
Finally once admitting all my dirty little (being replaced by the better man) secrets, I worked up the courage to ask her for one last favor. Before asking I promised I'd never cross this line again and would do my best to never make her feel uncomfortable again (not in that way anyway). I am sure she knew where I was heading with it but I got around to asking if I could masturbate while she told me how happy she was now, happy being with him, being his woman, moving in with him, so on. She was very VERY reluctant to do this. I actually started letting go of the idea for a minute because she thought it was such a bad idea for me. She knew I was turned on and wanted it, she knew that. But she felt like after I came, the reality of everything, the cold hard reality would set in and maybe cause a lot of pain to me. Pain I may never get over. But in the end she granted me this gift. This one last sexy little gift to hold me over on those lonely, lust filled, fantasy nights. And it has. I relive it now every single night. More than once usually. She gave me everything I wanted and more. I don't think she was turned on herself because she still felt such guilt but she knew what it was doing for me and she seemed to get some level of pleasure from that.
She watched me take it out (I felt so excited knowing it would be the last time I exposed myself in this way to her). I was already semi erect with the prospect of what I had been hoping would be to come. I looked over at her and she sweetly smiled again and passively looked back down at my cock. I knew she was used to so much bigger and better now and that thought excited me further. She asked me where she should start and I told her to just talk about "them", the couple they are now and will become. How she saw things and where she hoped it would go, everything. So I started slowly masturbating as she gave me what I asked for. She looked at me in the face most of the time but occasionally snuck a peek down lower to see me pleasure myself to her words. Occasionally when she said something especially delicious to me I would pipe in with another question, wanting her to expand on that. Like when she said they would get married I asked her if they had already discussed it, when, where , how, whatever. She said they had talked about it but hadn't set a date or made any concrete plans or anything. This really excited me bad, hearing her talk about marrying my dad. Like I said I am over some of the shame now but at the time I felt a little queasy in the stomach over it all. But that didn't stop it from exciting me big time. She admitted she always thought about one day being his wife, even before she thought it would ever be possible. She caught herself daydreaming about it sometimes. For my sake and this time she didn't go into any of the negative stuff that went along with these daydream fantasies. She just put into a sexy little spin for me and what I was getting out of it at that moment. I asked her if they would have children (laughingly said give me a baby brother or sister) and she said they hadn't discussed that at all but she felt sure at some point they would want them. I reminded her of his age and said they may not want to wait that long and she laughed saying "We have plenty of time!" She asked me would I like that, like if they had children. And quite seriously and not anything to do with being turned on or fantasy stuff, asked me would I like to consider myself the older brother. I told her I would like that if they wanted that role for me. She just smiled again and put her hand on my chest and caressed me there. I really think she liked knowing that. She might have thought I'd want nothing to do with their offspring or something because it really seemed to make her happy I think.
Anyway it went on like this for a while. A couple of times I slowed down to prolong it all. I hated for it to end. Finally when I could take no more I picked up the pace and she could tell I was getting close. She told me to look at her again (I had started watching my own had at work) and she looked me deep in the eyes and said she was glad I had been understanding and allowed her to pursue her dreams. She would always love me and was thankful for our time together. But then to help me along she said she had found the man of her dreams now and would marry him and have his children and she knew it was the right decision to make. None of us could fight it, it was meant to be and she was totally in love and happy now. I came all over myself with the various images flashing in my mind of them together and in love. Sounds sappy or maybe to some sick but that's what did it for me. Their love, them becoming the couple they were meant to be. Afterwards I felt ashamed I had done what I did. I had trouble looking her in the eyes after for a while. For her part she seemed to move right along and forget the whole thing. Maybe that was for my benefit. Like I said she knows me better than anyone, so maybe she knew how I was feeling. We went on with life after that. We stayed up very late talking or just sitting and watching tv together. It felt so normal at times but always in the back of my mind I knew it was all so different. It was coming to an end. But anyway, I've been overly wordy this time probably so I'll finish this one off. Thanks for reading my friends, I appreciate it.
