If you asked her to stop, would she?

[xian2014]

I don't believe there's a simple answer here. There are just too many variables to account for. After reading so many of these posts about quitting and some of the intransigent, "set in stone" answers it makes me think that there should be some type or form of a "pre-nup" agreed upon entering this lifestyle. You would think that having thorough discussions with your spouse would suffice.

If the whole notion is about having fun and enhancing a sex life then isn't that the bottom line? If it's fun and everyone's happy then great. If it's not fun and everyone's not happy then how is it an enhancement or any fun? I have a really difficult time believing that if a wife KNEW she was having the best sexual experience of her lifetime and she KNEW it was making her husband miserable then she would know it wasn't truly her best sexual experience of her lifetime. Her best experience would be when everyone's happy with how it's going, right?

The whole pretense about the "He asked for it and now he has no say in it!" sounds like a power thing and out of character for a couple that truly loves one another. Real couples that truly love each other make sacrifices for each other and they do things for each other. They don't amplify mistakes, they solve them together. Why is it in this case that discovering it's "not for you" should carry a lifetime penalty only freed by divorce?

A husband that dreamed about and asked for this would have to be in a bad place if he knew he was wrong. He knows asking her to stop is going to be harder than it was asking her to start. I just don't see how any wife could be so ignorant of her own husband's life. She would have to be aware of his struggle. She'd see it in everything, his excitement level, his demeanor, the ways he sounds, his body posture. People that really love each other pay attention to all those things and more.

I just don't see how it could be fun for a wife to go out and do what she knows her husband doesn't enjoy any more. If it can be obviously clear why a wife would be enjoying it then it should be just as obviously clear why a husband wouldn't. No one is that clueless.

I like what you said out of all the post this one made the most sense. If one side is not happy or can no longer cope with it and the other is not willing to or doesn't want to quit, then are they okay with the consequences?

[Yourfirstbull]

Although I personally do not want to be with couples where they aren't aligned, I have been a part of a few instances where the hubby encouraged her to take the plunge and then right before that first time he got cold feet, which truly is unfair to her–often it's his idea to begin with, she has to work through her own considerations to be open to it, and now she's into it and now she's committed, she's looking forward to it and anticipating the play and now the date is set...and she has to hit stop.

More than anything, it just reinforces that couples need to absolutely understand the reality of what they are getting into, off the experiences and emotions and what their agreements and limits are – it's different than the fantasy (in my opinion better than the fantasy, but it is different).