New here. I think my wife's having an affair. What to do?

[mike82]

Hey. Found this place a few days ago and I’ve been lurking, reading through some of the threads. I’ve tried posting elsewhere but honestly, people were pretty disrespectful and I'm just not in the headspace for that right now. I know this might not be the right place for this, so sorry about that but I’m at the end of my rope here and could really use some solid advice.

I’m 43, my wife is 39. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 11. To be honest, the bedroom side of things has been a struggle. It really dropped off after we tied the knot which I figured was just part of the deal but I did try to get things back on track. She just never seemed to be in the mood and anything kinky was completely off the table. My frustrations got the better of me about 7 years back and I ended up cheating. It was a one-time thing, I regretted it immediately and told her right away. We put in the work to get past it but things never truly recovered.

Fast forward to a couple months ago. She left her phone unlocked and a message popped up from a guy she used to be close (but not intimate) with years ago. I hadn't heard his name in ages and didn't even know they were still talking. The message mentioned something about the night before but I didn't understand what he was referring to exactly. She’d been out with work friends that night, so I figured maybe she just ran into him. I didn't want to get caught snooping so I left it unread. When I asked her how her night was, she didn't mention him at all.

A week later, I checked her phone again. The conversation was gone. Deleted. I tried to tell myself I was just being paranoid because things between us actually seemed pretty good lately.

Then, a few weeks back, she’s getting ready to go out with "the girls" again. It felt like she’d been heading out a lot lately. I tried to make some conversation about her coworkers but she was being super vague. I even had this intrusive thought—half-joking, half-terrified—like, "Man, wouldn't it be pathetic if I'm sitting here watching her get ready for him?" It sparked something in me and I tried to flirt a bit, but she shut me down hard. Said I was making her late and told me not to expect anything when she got home because she’d be bagged.

Two weeks later, she’s heading out again. This time, I followed her. I was terrified of getting spotted, stayed a few cars back, but I lost her at a red light about five miles in. I went home and tried to find the guy’s address online or something to prove myself wrong, but came up empty.

A couple of weeks after that, I tried again. This time I kept her in my sights. She pulled into a quiet residential street. I parked a ways back and followed on foot. I watched her walk up to a house and knock. I was praying a group of women would answer, but it was him. He let her right in. No signs of anyone else. I stood there for twenty minutes—felt like two hours—waiting to see if they’d leave or if anyone else would show up. Nothing.

I drove home in a fog, trying to find any other explanation, but there’s only one that makes sense. I just can't wrap my head around her doing this to me, over and over. When I got back to the house, I just broke down. The betrayal is gut-wrenching, especially because I thought we were so solid everywhere else. It just gutted me—the idea that she’s been saving herself for him while I thought she just had a low libido.

I couldn't help but picture what they were doing. It was upsetting, but weirdly, it got me fired up. I didn't know what to do with myself, and I eventually ended up taking matters into my own hands. Honestly? It had never felt so intense. I figured I’d just get it out of my system so I could stop the intrusive thoughts, but my head went to a dark place. I came harder than I ever have in my life. I felt instant regret, but I thought maybe that was the end of it.

Except it wasn't. Half an hour later, the thoughts came back and I did it again. And again. I pretended to be asleep when she finally got home. The next morning, I didn't say a word about her night out. I didn't want her to know I was on to her. I’ve thought about confronting her, but I don't even know where to start. I don't want a blow-out fight, I don't want to lose her, and I definitely don't want to go through the hell we went through years ago when I cheated.

Later that day, I googled why thinking about this would make things so intense. The AI gave me some stuff about "sperm competition" but the search results kept bringing up "cuckolding". I watched a video and realized what it was, but it didn't feel right. This isn't something I want. I spent the next few days reading about it, but none of it fits. I’m not into it, I just think I went to a weird place in my head that night.
Whatever that was, I’ve vowed to myself not to go there again.

I need to fix our situation but I don't know how to do it without blowing up my whole life. I don't want to break up, and I don't want her to know I was tailing her like a private eye. But I also know that if I keep quiet, I’m just waiting for another night like that one.
Any advice you guys have would mean a lot. Cheers.

[armyguyot1]

When is the last time you fucked her and was it any good? Do you two have passion for one another or are you going through the motions? If there is passion when you fuck her you can turn this into a positive. Hint around and ask if she would be interested in a threesome. Ask what she has not done sexually that she has fantasized about. Try to figure out if she is falling out of love with you or just needs more cock and try to respond.

[mike82]

When is the last time you fucked her and was it any good? Do you two have passion for one another or are you going through the motions? If there is passion when you fuck her you can turn this into a positive. Hint around and ask if she would be interested in a threesome. Ask what she has not done sexually that she has fantasized about. Try to figure out if she is falling out of love with you or just needs more cock and try to respond.

We’re probably having sex once or twice a month. When we do, I think we both genuinely enjoy it but she’s just not really into trying anything outside the box. That includes giving oral, which is a bit of a bummer since I’m usually always giving it to her.

Even so, the sex is still meaningful. We’ve got a solid, romantic relationship overall, and I really value that. I’ve probably poked and prodded about her fantasies a bit too much over the years trying to get us to experiment, so bringing it up again is unlikely to go well.

If I had to pick between the two options given, my bet would be that it's more about "cock" and the excitement of someone new.

[Wantsomefunto]

If you are not ok with her having sex with him, then I don’t see this ever working for you. Maybe do some counseling to improve your own intimate relationship before you blow things up telling her you know about him. Maybe she will come clean first

[allways]

You may not want to break up and yes this hotwife/ cuckold site from what you said isn't for you.
However you obviously need someone to chat to and get your head around what to do.Your wife may not want to end the marriage either 11 years is a big investment.Like you she may be sowing her wild oats just like you did. A delayed revenge.
I agree you do not want to confront her but you also do not want this festering dark spot to destroy you and it will unless you devise a plan.
Practice how you are going to sit her down make it clear you love her. Then communicate how you know and how are you are prepared to listen and you hope your marriage does not break down. She may react angrily don't strike back repeat you love her. If she walks off in a huff tell her when she is ready to talk you are not angry just hurt like she was when you confessed your infidelity.
Many women cannot just fuck there has to be an emotional connection for the sex to be satisfying
She may be at the NRE meaning she is besotted with her lover still and like you when you thought with your little head but over time that New Relationship Experience fades. That is what happened to both of you after you married her.
If she wants to leave you and moves in with her lover you have two choices.1 You can divorce and move on or
2. You can say to her I will give you some time with him and if you realise this was a mistake and wish to try with you again your open to it.
I am not suggesting you act as a door matt. You have made it clear you don't want a divorce.
There is a third choice she cuckolds you and you learn to enjoy it. Sounds shocking but if you read enough on this website you may discover a part of you that you didn't realise was there. Happy to chat privately there is facility on here to chat to me or on this thread am happy to continue as you may want feedback from others on here

[armyguyot1]

You need to realize the her fucking someone else doesnt ruin her pussy but makes it better. She learns more of how to please and probably is doing things with him that you thought she didnt't want to do do. Too much respect and not enough raw lust. Get her out of her comfort zone and fuck her brains out. Take her somewhere sexy and fuck a lot. Let go. You both want more and aren't communicating it. Find out what she is missing and give it to her. Learn to accept and appreciate her lust and her need for more cock. Fuck your wife and talk to her. Get her drunk and talk to her. Get her high and talk to her. Fuck her and learn to communicate and loosen up.

[stach]

This is a deeply painful situation to navigate, and it’s important to prioritize your clarity and well-being right now. Here are three steps you can take:

Stay calm and observe: Before reacting, look for clear patterns or facts to ensure your concerns are based on evidence rather than temporary anxiety.

Have an honest conversation: When you feel ready, talk to your wife directly and calmly to share your feelings and listen to her response.

Prioritize your support: Speak with a professional counselor or a trusted, neutral friend to help you process your emotions and decide on your next steps.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum stach.

[mike82]

So, last Friday was her work Christmas party. I’d seen some emails about it so I knew it wasn't fake and I offered to drive her there and pick her up, just to be sure she wasn't sneaking off elsewhere. I figured I’d be the one bringing her home but when I dropped her off and asked what time she’d need a lift she stumbled a bit, said she wasn't sure and might just catch a ride with someone else and told me she’d let me know. I didn't notice the stumble at the time but a few hours later she texted saying a group of them were heading somewhere else and not to wait up, she'd find her own way back. That’s when it hit me that it was probably the plan all along.

She didn't get home until late. I pretended to be asleep but I couldn't sleep. After she’d been asleep for about half an hour, I got up to use the washroom and decided to take a look at the clothes she’d worn. Most of it was in the hamper but the underwear was missing. My first thought was that she’d left them at his place but I checked the washer just in case. She’d set a load on a timer for the morning, not unusual but right there in the drum were the panties from that night. They were damp and slimy. I couldn't tell for sure if it was his or just from her having a good time but to me that was the smoking gun. She’d gone out of her way to hide them in the machine.

I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. I ended up in a pretty dark place and despite vowing not to I found myself masturbating and not for the first time that night. I went back to bed and never mentioned it.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve and we actually had sex for the first time in a while. When I went to go down on her, all I could think was that less than a week ago she was probably taking his cock. I didn't hesitate, didn't want to ruin the vibe or tip her off but it was stuck in my head the whole time. Logically, I knew it had been 5 days and there shouldn't be any trace left of him but that kind of stuff turns my stomach. It’s part of why I’m sure the whole cuckolding or hotwifing scene isn't for me. It hit me right then, I was eating out my cheating wife and we both knew it, she just had no clue I knew it. It struck me how brazen she was about it. When I cheated on her back in the day, the guilt nearly killed me. Here she is, doing it repeatedly and basically rubbing my face in it. It felt like she was getting revenge for me cheating on her and something about that got me going. We ended up having great sex.

We went at it again on Friday and things seem really good between us. We’ve both got the week off before we head back to work so my plan is to bring up the subject and see if she will come clean about it.

[mike82]

You may not want to break up and yes this hotwife/ cuckold site from what you said isn't for you.
However you obviously need someone to chat to and get your head around what to do.Your wife may not want to end the marriage either 11 years is a big investment.Like you she may be sowing her wild oats just like you did. A delayed revenge.
I agree you do not want to confront her but you also do not want this festering dark spot to destroy you and it will unless you devise a plan.
Practice how you are going to sit her down make it clear you love her. Then communicate how you know and how are you are prepared to listen and you hope your marriage does not break down. She may react angrily don't strike back repeat you love her. If she walks off in a huff tell her when she is ready to talk you are not angry just hurt like she was when you confessed your infidelity.
Many women cannot just fuck there has to be an emotional connection for the sex to be satisfying
She may be at the NRE meaning she is besotted with her lover still and like you when you thought with your little head but over time that New Relationship Experience fades. That is what happened to both of you after you married her.
If she wants to leave you and moves in with her lover you have two choices.1 You can divorce and move on or
2. You can say to her I will give you some time with him and if you realise this was a mistake and wish to try with you again your open to it.
I am not suggesting you act as a door matt. You have made it clear you don't want a divorce.
There is a third choice she cuckolds you and you learn to enjoy it. Sounds shocking but if you read enough on this website you may discover a part of you that you didn't realise was there. Happy to chat privately there is facility on here to chat to me or on this thread am happy to continue as you may want feedback from others on here

I’m not really digging those options to be honest. There’s gotta be a better way to handle this. I’m just holding out hope that I can find a way for her to level with me and put a stop to it.

I’ll admit, I’ve been reading through this forum with a fair bit of curiosity since I stumbled onto it. I find it fascinating and there's clearly something in my darkest moments that turns me on about it but I really don't think it's for me.

[Wantsomefunto]

Maybe tell her how you like when she goes out with friends, that it makes you want her so much when she gets home and how she seems extra wet when she gets home and you like it. Then ask her what she thinks is making her so wet.

[superb101]

maybe you should get some counseling first

[allways]

[/quote] I’m not really digging those options to be honest. There’s gotta be a better way to handle this. I’m just holding out hope that I can find a way for her to level with me and put a stop to it.

I’ll admit, I’ve been reading through this forum with a fair bit of curiosity since I stumbled onto it. I find it fascinating and there's clearly something in my darkest moments that turns me on about it but I really don't think it's for me.
[/quote]

There isn't a better way of handling this other than being truthful to her and being gentle when you do it. Thankfully you know that she cheated on you and you also know you still love her and do not want a divorce.Obviously there has been problems in your relationship which most people face at some stage of the marriage. That is why 40% of marriages fail and often it is because both parties change and what was once a strong marriage disolves.

You mention you have children that can be a saving grace provided you can both come to terms with what has happened. About 4% of couples get into swinging and or hotwives/ Stag or hotwives/cuckold. Most couples on this site will confirm that marriage break ups is far commoner with couples who go into it this to fix a marriage that is not open and both partners have secrets.

As you discovered the idea of your wife fucking another man is a turn on and even more of a turn on if you are there watching.I would guess that at least 50 percent of married men fantasise about this at some stage. The second most popular porno is hotwife/cuckold for men.

For woman the movie 50 shades of grey threesomes and gangbangs would turn on a large percentage of woman in fantasy.

But you and your sweet hotwife have a lot of reconnecting to do. You say the carrying on's on this site is not for you. Just never say no, your both still young. Even if it is just fantasy in the bedroom it will spice up your sex life. From what you have revealed in your posts she still likes a bit of dictation from you and you seem to like a bit of muff diving even if there wasn't a fresh cream pie.

I would like you to keep posting periodically. There is a lot of good advice on this site just about how men and women act sexually. We may be deviates but our hearts and heads are in the right place.

[ShyWife60]

When is the last time you fucked her and was it any good? Do you two have passion for one another or are you going through the motions? If there is passion when you fuck her you can turn this into a positive. Hint around and ask if she would be interested in a threesome. Ask what she has not done sexually that she has fantasized about. Try to figure out if she is falling out of love with you or just needs more cock and try to respond.

Great advice

[ShyWife60]

Maybe tell her how you like when she goes out with friends, that it makes you want her so much when she gets home and how she seems extra wet when she gets home and you like it. Then ask her what she thinks is making her so wet.

[Threeisacharm]

Maybe it is time for you to lick her when she gets home and tell her you know she is getting fucked and it turns you on but you want to be in the loop.

[allways]

Maybe it is time for you to lick her when she gets home and tell her you know she is getting fucked and it turns you on but you want to be in the loop.

This poor man is going through hell at the moment. He has already said he doesn't think what you are suggesting is for him. How about a bit of compasion. Even though we are into this sometimes it is better you use your big head instead of your little head as my hotwife sometimes correctly points out.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

FWIW, you aren't the first guy on this site who was cheated on and found it oddly exciting. That's a very common story. My wife didn't cheat per se with another guy, but she shared photos of her tits with an old boyfriend and concealed it. When I discovered, I was angry and distrustful about the situation, but also extremely turned on. It was only after we cleared up what happened and talked directly about things, that I was able to disentangle my desires from any sense of distrust or betrayal and cleanly embrace the erotic thrill without contamination by negative emotions.

I’ll admit, I’ve been reading through this forum with a fair bit of curiosity since I stumbled onto it. I find it fascinating and there's clearly something in my darkest moments that turns me on about it but I really don't think it's for me.

I'm not sure how much you've read, but there's many flavors of this kink that work for different people. If the idea of your wife fucking another guy is sexually arousing, but you're turned off by the humiliation aspects of cuckoldry, that's not uncommon around here. There's a lot of us who are turned off by humiliation, but experience a powerful sense of erotic euphoria in our wives' naughty adventures.

But regardless, there's major trust and communication issues that need to be resolved first. You don't seem to be in a healthy relationship right now, and that's essential for long term success regardless of whether you embrace this kink or not.

[Threeisacharm]

Maybe it is time for you to lick her when she gets home and tell her you know she is getting fucked and it turns you on but you want to be in the loop.

This poor man is going through hell at the moment. He has already said he doesn't think what you are suggesting is for him. How about a bit of compasion. Even though we are into this sometimes it is better you use your big head instead of your little head as my hotwife sometimes correctly points out.

He is seeking advice in a hotwife/cuckold forum. He pretends to be asleep when she comes home and is following her and getting up to do a panties check. He also isn't breaking up with her.

I did this more than once and it ended up being hot.

[mike82]

she shared photos of her tits with an old boyfriend and concealed it. When I discovered, I was angry and distrustful about the situation, but also extremely turned on.

How did you discover what she'd done?
How did you confront her about it?
How did you come to the conclusion that you wanted her to continue rather than stop?

I'm not sure how much you've read, but there's many flavors of this kink that work for different people. If the idea of your wife fucking another guy is sexually arousing, but you're turned off by the humiliation aspects of cuckoldry, that's not uncommon around here. There's a lot of us who are turned off by humiliation, but experience a powerful sense of erotic euphoria in our wives' naughty adventures.

But regardless, there's major trust and communication issues that need to be resolved first. You don't seem to be in a healthy relationship right now, and that's essential for long term success regardless of whether you embrace this kink or not.

Honestly, I’m a bit lost when it comes to the terminology and definitions. I don't really get the differences or what actually crosses the line into humiliation territory.
I don't even understand what turns me on exactly. I'd for sure rather it didn't, things would be a lot simpler.

I find myself reading the most about situations where the wife takes charge, whether it’s the cheating side of things or gradually manipulating her husband. That’s more in the ballpark of cuckolding, isn't it?

[GoldenRoadie60]

I learned a long time ago not to snoop through my partner’s stuff. You want to REENFORCE trust, not tear it down! It sucks when you find out about something you weren’t supposed to know and now you have to keep your mouth shut. BTDT!

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I don't even understand what turns me on exactly. I'd for sure rather it didn't, things would be a lot simpler.

Inner conflict, guilt, and wishing that one "were different" is also rather common for guys first discovering their arousal with this stuff. Healthy folks come to terms with it--embracing it or at least accepting that its part of who they are.

That doesn't mean you need to act on it. Just be okay with yourself.

Life is too short to feel fucked up about things you can't control, like what turns you on and what doesn't.

[leggysman]

Life is too short to feel fucked up about things you can't control, like what turns you on and what doesn't.

[allways]

Interested to know have you approached her yet about her playing with others?

[HG8895]

I think catching the wife cheating & having mixed emotions about it is a common way to start on the adventure!
It is what happened to us!