Close Hard Time Getting Over the Hump

[Almostroyaltryst]

New member here so first thanks for the acceptance to the community.

My wife and I seem stuck at the goal line and seeking any pearls of wisdom

I (36M) have been my wife (36F) since high school. She was my second and I was her first. We have three kids and lead a relatively normal life. Still not sure how she is wife me as she is far out of my league with a petite 5'0 body, small breasts but plump butt and strong thighs. When she puts on a pair of boots it kills me. Gorgeous.

After our twins the other year it took a while to get the mojo back between us. On a couples getaway over dinner she asked me what would really get me going. I remember swallowing and then telling her about the online sex video I had seen (9 inches for my wife). I wanted that. I wanted to see her enjoy a larger man. To give herself to him but come back to me.

Needless to say she was shocked but to her credit she took it in stride and said she would read. She did and we talked and then talked more. She wasn't saying no but wasn't saying yes. Instead we did other things like pretend I was picking her up from a bar, flirt with men online with me by her side, watch her at a bar talking to others, have her wear those aforementioned boots out more in everyday life etc etc.

It all was good and we enjoyed each other but I still would have liked more. She asked if I did and I told her so. She said OK then let's try. My heart jumped.

That was two months ago. Since then she has set an online account. She has scrolled. I have scrolled. But as of now no one has fit the mold. It seems we are both being super picky and I can't tell if it is because we are picky or rather getting cold feet or stall tactic. How do we get unstuck? I know it is a large event but we both have a tendency to over analyze every decision we make in our lives and I am scared of paralysis by analysis.

Any thoughts or guidance?

[richcass94]

My name is Rich and I’m an older bull. I have coached other couples and am available now (no couples since last month) if you want to talk about moving forward. I can offer you a plethora of knowledge and help you both move forward. I’m a straight-shooter and will be a good mentor. Let me know.

[aztd]

Sounds like you're in for good time sooner or later. I bet it's sooner than later. Appreciate the updates

[Bmoore1990]

Sort of a similar situation here. Mid 30s couple. Told her about my fantasies 5ish years ago. Making progress slowly but yeah.. taking a long time.

[Bloomincpl]

Welcome Almostroyaltryst!

First; one sentence background. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for almost 20 years now. Second; I come here to the wannabe forum to help people out where I think I might be able to provide some insight.

Take the following in a very positive way, because I'm encouraging you with this, not discouraging you! You're setting yourself up for failure. Allow me to explain! You note that you both over analyze ever decision. It sounds to me like you're both trying to find absolute perfection in this notional man who would be the second man she ever had sex with. Thing is, the chances you're going to find that perfection are quite small. Possible, yes, but small. So, she has this first experience, it doesn't meet the hopes either of you have, and you're left thinking... 'We thought he was perfect, and it sucked!'

*oooof*

Let's back this up a bit, and just think about life in general. Ever hear of the "70% decision"? It's a way of approaching problems. Generally speaking, if you have 70% of the information you need to make a decision, you've got enough to make it. Wait until you have 100%, and things will not go well. You're too late, your information is dated, your information invalidates your expectations, etc. Getting that last 30% is also costly, either in time or other resources. It can be hard to be comfortable acting with 70% of the information you need, and takes time to get used to, but you will ultimately be happier for it, even if there are some unintended mistakes along the way.

So back to hotwifing. How does this apply within hotwifing? Some realities;

• There are guys on online dating sites appropriate to this lifestyle that will spam the living daylights out of every woman that ever puts up a profile. They've got a spaghetti machine, and will crank out the same message to every woman that shows up. How to avoid; place something lower down in your profile that asks them to answer an innocuous question if they contact you. Like, 'in your message, tell me what your favorite color was when you were young'. If their message to you doesn't include that answer, they just de-selected themselves. Delete their message and block them. Move on.

• There are a number of fakes out there. These are guys who will be happy to chat up your wife, flirt with her online, and then when it comes to a meet up, will ghost her. How to avoid: If their profile meets basic expectations for the guy, don't get into a days long chat. Move to a meet up as soon as possible. If they ghost or don't show up, block them. Move on.

With those two basic things out of the way, you will have already significantly reduced the pool of candidates.

Some other realities; 'perfect' is a variable thing. Do you ever look at a woman and think 'she is perfect!' and then find it impossible to never be attracted to another woman? Of course not. Your wife is the same. There's lots of 'perfect'. It can also be situational. Your wife might meet a guy, and just not be into him even though everything else clicks. Alternatively, they might be awkward before meeting in person but then when she meets him she'll want his hands on her as fast as possible. You just don't know. I'm not suggesting you or your wife lower you standards. Rather, allow the door to open a bit and see where it goes.

When my wife and I first got into this, we had discussions about what to do if the first time sucked. We decided we'd stick with it, and wouldn't judge the lifestyle on just a handful of experiences. We'd stick with it for a while, and see if she found someone who really did it for her. And that's how it played out. The first couple of guys were ok. Not great, not bad, just not enough for her to want to keep doing it forever. The third guy set her on fire! She just couldn't get enough sex with him. I would encourage you and your wife to think about this, and how you want to approach it.

I could write for quite a while here, but I'll pause here with this idea; just do it. I don't mean for your wife to jump into bed with the first guy who comes along. Rather, find some guys who meet your rough criteria. Move to meet ups right away. Meet up with a bunch of different guys. She doesn't have to play with them, other than what a couple might do in public anyway. But, getting to meet ups can help it feel more 'real', like you're actually moving into doing it and getting past the keyboard. This can also help her see what kind of guys are really attractive to her.