new here and could use some advice/opinions

[decisions12]

Hi folks,

I have a situation evolving that I am struggling to come to terms with and would greatly appreciate any advice/input/opinions from anyone who has any experience, knowledge or wisdom that might help me out.

I have decided to tell our entire sexual history because I think it's all relevant, so my apologies if this goes on a bit or is TMI.

In short- it is becoming increasingly and unavoidably obvious that my wife wants to have sex with other men and I am struggling to come to terms with that and the decision I am almost certainly going to have to make at some point in the not-too-distant future.

In long.... this:

Before I start, I am 53, my wife "J" is 52 and because of the difference in age of consent laws I should probably add that we're English, it's 16 here.

We met in early 1993. I was 20 and a virgin- I had had one handjob when I was 17 and the girl was very cruel about my size, which really put me off dating. Fortunately J chased me, god knows why, but I am very glad that she did. She was 19 and far more experienced. She lost her virginity to her first boyfriend on her 16th birthday, had another boyfriend after that, and several one night stands after that relationship ended. She thinks it was double figures but she isn't quite sure- they were all alcohol-related and J suffers from an interesting side effect of alcohol which somehow makes her knickers fall off if a man even looks in her general direction.

I was scared to death the first time we had sex- she was very patient and waited over a month for me to be ready- but J made it very easy. When the moment I had been dreading came I saw the confusion when she felt it and the big round shocked eyes when she saw it, but all she said was "what a beautiful little dick" and carried on as if it was of no consequence.

We got married that December and after a few months we'd settled nicely into married life and had some kind of routine. J started to go out with her friends on girls nights once a month or so and she usually came back drunk and flushed and happy. I began to wonder occasionally, like the time she came home with her jumper on inside out; or the time she was 4 hours late "because there were no taxis"; or the time she came home without her underwear because she "had an accident and had to throw them away"; or the multiple times she came home with messy hair and smeared make-up. Any single thing could be put down to a good drunken night out, but collectively I had the occasional doubt.

In January of 1998 I had my first unpleasant surprise. One of J's friends came over and they went into the kitchen chattering at 90 miles an hour as they do. They didn't realise I was in the garage and could hear every word. It seems the friend had randomly bumped into the stripper from J's hen night that J had "been with" and he said to say hi. That was a pretty heavy blow. I still haven't told J that I know about that and probably never will- in the long run it's just another time she got drunk and her knickers fell off.

I really didn't need the second unpleasant surprise while I was still processing that. I think I had reached the point where I'd decided to put it down as a last fling before marriage, painful for sure but I would surmise that more than a couple of brides-to-be have engaged in a little bit of stripper-cock on their hen nights. Actually, that should probably be a big bit of stripper cock, I think it's a requirement of the job. Anyway the point is I was still hurting and processing when the second thing happened and it was hard to take.

This is painful to remember. If you've ever had that moment of final, incontrovertible evidence you know how it sucks your soul right out through the bottoms of your feet, and if you've never had it I hope you never do- it's a very, very painful moment that lasts forever. Anyway. Normally when J came home from a night out she just crashed on the bed and passed out in her clothes. That particular night for some reason she took her dress off before collapsing on her back. She was naked underneath and fully exposed as she lay there, already snoring. She had quite clearly not been celibate that night- there was literally no other way to interpret what I was seeing.

I went for a long walk and a long think and a long hurt. I came home, made J coffee when she woke up, waited for her to deal with her hangover and become human again, and finally initiated the conversation that evening. I told her that I knew what she had done the previous night and was certain it had happened on multiple occasions previously. She didn't deny it, so we had the conversation like adults and apparently there was some kind of disconnect where she didn't see what she did when drunk as cheating. We established that it happened almost every time she went out without me and I can still see the shock on her face when I did the maths for her- she had had sex with somewhere in the region of 35-40 men in the 4 years we had been married. She was genuinely stunned- I think she truly thought it had only been a handful. I told her that I wanted to make things work but that had to stop immediately and forever. And because she's a long way from being stupid and because she loves me as much as I love her, she agreed.

So J stopped drinking, and amazingly her knickers suddenly stopped falling down all the time. She now only drinks a few sips of champagne at weddings and things, and I am 100% certain that she never strayed again. We built a happy life together, worked on our relationship, and our marriage is strong, secure, stable and full of love. No children, in case anyone cares.

Aside- I have held onto all of that for far too long. It's been surprisingly therapeutic putting all that down.

So that's the history, and it's all a long time ago, but it definitely has a bearing on where we're at now.

I think I have to explain our sex life, which is very predictable. It always starts with a massage for J, followed by stroking, licking and kissing, with lots of attention to her nipples. This is followed by me eating her until she comes, whereupon without fail she says either "I want your dick in me" or "put your dick in me". Then it's a couple of minutes of missionary -which she sometimes feels but often doesn't- until I come and then it's cuddles and sleep. We were a bit more adventurous in the early days but this works for us both. And no, since you haven't asked, I have never given her a vaginal orgasm with my dick. If I ever do, that shit WILL be going on my headstone as my proudest achievement.

Well a couple of months ago something changed; not a lot but also a big lot. One day she added the word "little" when she told me to put my dick in her. The only other time she'd ever called it little was the very first time. But it immediately became a staple part of the phraseology of her love-making- interestingly it's only when she calls it my "dick" that it gets prefaced, she doesn't call it a "cock" so often but that when she does that one doesn't get an adjective. I have no idea why and I don't think I'll be asking.

This was an unexpected development but I didn't give it too much thought until a few weeks ago when she told me that she wished I had a bigger dick so that I could "fuck her properly". It was in the heat of the moment and I know she sometimes gets frustrated when she can't feel it or if she can feel it she gets frustrated at how quickly it's over but...now I started thinking.

And then last week she asked something she hasn't asked for years, if she ever has, but it was clearly designed to get me to ask the same question of her, I know her far too well to think otherwise. The question was "what's your fantasy?" I told her the truth, which is that I live my fantasy every day. Then I asked her, and I'm pretty sure (as in, definitely sure) that she told the truth too. "I want to fuck two men." Pause. "With big dicks." Long pause. "While you watch."

Now I would very much like someone to tell me that I'm wrong, that I'm worrying about nothing and this is all harmless fun, but realistically I now have very little room for doubt.

Here's how I see it- for quarter of a century my wife has missed out on something that I suspect is now far more of a need than a want. I can't, no matter how much I wish otherwise, provide her with what she needs. There seems to be only one way of resolving the problem, and I hate it. I absolutely fucking hate it. But I am her husband and I have to be the man she needs me to be. And I did promise for better or for worse. And I love her with everything I am. So I need to get to a point where I can make the right decision for the right reasons. And that is where I am struggling.

I think...think ... that J will continue to tip-toe towards this. I think she probably has enough of a read on me to know that I have picked up the hints and hate the idea but will try to give her what she wants. Under normal circumstances we would both either automatically know what the other was thinking or would ask, but this is so far from normal, for both of us. I think... think ... that I have a bit of time where J will keep up the hinting but wait for me to give an indication that I'm ready to talk about it. I think that the history is holding her back a bit, but I'm not entirely sure. But she can be very single-minded and determined and if she has decided that she needs this now and can't wait, I might have no time at all.

So what I want is to find a way to be ready for what's coming. I'm either going to have to respond to J if she comes straight out with it OR be in a place where I can offer her what she wants without her having to ask. Please don't just tell me to talk to her, that will come as soon as one of us is ready to discuss it...and I suspect that will be J. I need to be ready for that talk when it comes.

And I think I can stop writing now with a quick summing up- I hate this but I have to do it. And I could really use some help.

Cheers,

D.

[coastalkid]

Welcome to the forum decisions12!

[Dream Weaver]

I think she's doing more than "tip toe-ing". She flat out said it.

So what's the issue? You are on a hotwife forum, so I assume you want it, but you never actually said in your intro that you were into it. You want to take control a little bit, bring it up with her instead? Influence the type of cuckolding you'll get?

[decisions12]

I think she's doing more than "tip toe-ing". She flat out said it.

So what's the issue? You are on a hotwife forum, so I assume you want it, but you never actually said in your intro that you were into it. You want to take control a little bit, bring it up with her instead? Influence the type of cuckolding you'll get?

Until a few days ago I knew virtually nothing about cuckoldry or hotwifing. I'm actually on this forum because I was stumbling around the internet looking for some kind of answer to my conundrum, and trying to figure out whether there was anyone who could help outside couples counselling. This site popped up and I did some browsing: there's a thread on here about a guy called Mike that convinced me to try asking here- that thread is full of people giving grown-up help and advice and I could really use some of that right now.

I don't want to go down this road at all. I'm doing it because it's clearly the right thing for my wife. I'm still hoping I'm wrong but thanks for at least giving me confirmation that I'm probably not. So no, I don't want to talk to J about it yet, I'm still adjusting to the shock. Regarding influencing the type- that's a step too far for me just now. One thing at a time and coming to terms with the reality of the situation has to be the first step or I'm never going to be able to do it.

But you have at least confirmed that I'm not just imagining it, so thank you for that.

[leggysman]

Welcome decisions12

I suppose the next time the subject comes up, would be a good time to ask how she imagines all of this shaking out w/r/t your marriage, sex life, etc. Is it fantasy-only? If not, is it just a single experience she wants to have? A bucket list item so to speak? Or does she want to actually open up the marriage? Would she theoretically offer you the same freedom? Or does she actually have a hotwife/cuckold type relationship in mind? All questions you might ask.

[leggysman]

And then, of course, you have to ask yourself whether her proposal is acceptable to you. A marriage is a 2-way agreement, and you have to decide what terms you can or can't accept.

If you do choose to let her loose, I would suggest that you can get used to it. It will get easier. As long as she loves you, and keeps coming home to you - you still have the important things. Ideally, you'll still have a sex life together, and it might even get better/spicier and more mindful; a stronger bond between you because of the trust and communication that all of this requires. There'd be a few bumps in the road, and some emotional turmoil for you, but it's all survivable if you still have the important things.

[elina]

Dear decisions12

Welcome to the forum.

I am glad you found this forum, even if you say you did not know what a cuckold was untill recently, I believe your story clearly indicates that you have actually been one for a long time; Your Wife has been fucking other men, the evidence was on many occations obvious but you elected to not pursue it, not ask your Wife about what was going on, and from what you have described not really attempting to put a stop to it.

Some of us have small penises, that is just a fact of life. You have obviously been made aware of this first by the first girl you wanted to have sex with, then with your Wife the first time She saw it and now She is telling you during sex.

The really GOOD thing is that your Wife elected to marry you even so, and She is choosing to stay married to you. I also suspect that you love your Wife and wants to continue being Her husband.

The other observation from what you have written is that Your Wife obviously have significantly greated needs for sex than what you do, She has needs that you can't fulfill. Also, a male is knows to be in sexual prime in his twenties, most of us simply become less and less able to cum several times in a session as we grow older. Fom many Ladies, the opposite is the case, the Libido may increase with age. And lets be honest with ourselves here; I think from what you have written that Your Wife is no longer willing to live with the sex life that you are providing; She has told you blatantly that She wants to fuck two males with big cocks. Pretty brutal.

Now first of all; Maybe you should appreciate your Wife being so hones with you? Or would you rather that She resumed Her cheating without letting you know what is going on?

Second; If you Wife has these very strong sexual cravings that you can't fulfill. Don't you want Her to be satisfied?

Third; Your Wife appears to me to have a fairly obvious dominant side. Her telling you that not only does She want to have sex with males with bigger cocks, She wants you to watch!!

I understand that this is very difficult for you. I think it is admirable that you are seeking to discuss with other people who are, or who want to be, in the lifestyle where the Lady has sex with others with the husbands acceptance. I am sorry for being so direct but I don't think I have asserted anything that does not follow from the account you have provided.

All of us in this community have different perspectives. There are probably some posters who will tell you that if they were in your situation, they would make an ultimatum to your Wife that either She stays faithful or you will divorce Her. I will not do that.

If I were in your shoes, and assuming you actually love your Wife just as I love mine, I would advice to approach your Wife and confess that you know that you have a small penis, you think you know that She was unfaithfull to you but you never confronted Her, and that know you would like for the two of you to be fully honest with each other and find a way going forward where both of you can be happy. Personally I would have started the conversations with flowers and telling Her how much you appreciate being married to Her....

Your Wife has let the Cat out of the door, it may feel like a tiger to you. I understand that. But you can also elect to see it as a sweet pussy; although a pussy who wants and will take more than what you have to offer.

Just my thoughts, you are the only one who can decide what is the right approach for you.

Sincerely
elina

[DCaftermath]

If all of this is true and a good account of both sides I see one major positive. You have not brought forth here in this thread that you enjoy her knickers falling and after a confrontation of how the drink so many times caused them to fall she willingly backed off on the drink. This tells me sober she is compassionate towards you.

Now after so many years she states her fantasy is fucking two endowed men while you watch. Those last three words are the positive. They are the biggest hint that she wants you to be a part of it when she gets satiated. My goodness if this is what her soberness brings forward how much more loving towards you could she be, and still get her own needs met? I hope for you that after realizing this you can honestly check in with your desires and see if there are any curiosities in you that would find this situation a balance for you both.

[decisions12]

Thankyou both for your thoughts, they are much appreciated and have given me things to think about.

Firstly, I have been regretting pressing "submit" on that post all morning. I don't regret writing it, it evidently needed to come out and I have a much clearer head now that it has. I don't know exactly why I felt the need to share so much I just know it seemed important last night. I should have deleted it and written something different but...what's done is done.

So I'll answer these points together- yes, apparently in the early days I was by definition a cuckold, but that doesn't mean I have ever been happy about that. And the same day I knew for sure I confronted J and put an immediate stop to it. She was as horrified at her behaviour as I was- it was all because of the drink and the second she realised what she was actually doing she stopped drinking on the spot. My apologies if that didn't come over in the first post.

We have a very strong relationship. J wouldn't even be starting to bring this up if she didn't already know how it ends. I already know how it ends. If she really needs this in order to be happy, then I will find a way to deal with it. She would do the same for me. And we will continue to love each other with our whole hearts.

The 2 men fantasy is a negotiating tactic. I tried to highlight that with the "pauses"- she was watching to see how much she could get away with throwing at me. If she thought she could have got away with 93 elephants running a train on her, she would have started there. She doesn't want 2 men while I watch, she will come down to 2 men without me watching, me and another man as the 2... any potential combination until I concede at the lowest possible point of compromise. Which as we both already know is that she will be allowed to scratch the itch once and then if it surfaces again... well the road will have been established.

I definitely appreciate the honesty, but I would expect nothing less from her. It's very telling to me that she has seemingly mapped out a plan to lead me to where I have to be rather than raising the subject directly. She really needs...something I can't supply... and wants me to know that she understands how hard I am going to have to work on this. This will all come out when we finally have the talk. We have been together a long long time, we know each other very well.

It's not help with talking to her or finding out what she wants that I need. It's all very obvious to me and the talk will happen when one of us thinks it's time to have it. The part I need help with is finding a way to deal with what is inevitably going to happen. I need to find a way to love, or at least accept, the very idea I hate the most. And the more I think about it, the more fitting it seems that I have ended up asking in a place which is almost exclusively populated by people who genuinely love the idea.

[decisions12]

If all of this is true and a good account of both sides I see one major positive. You have not brought forth here in this thread that you enjoy her knickers falling and after a confrontation of how the drink so many times caused them to fall she willingly backed off on the drink. This tells me sober she is compassionate towards you.

Now after so many years she states her fantasy is fucking two endowed men while you watch. Those last three words are the positive. They are the biggest hint that she wants you to be a part of it when she gets satiated. My goodness if this is what her soberness brings forward how much more loving towards you could she be, and still get her own needs met? I hope for you that after realizing this you can honestly check in with your desires and see if there are any curiosities in you that would find this situation a balance for you both.

I hadn't seen this when I replied to the others, so thank you also.

Yes it is all true. Apparently last night I needed to release all the stuff from the past that was clouding my view of the present. I tend to write little stories when I have that need, it's what works for me. I don't normally share them, but it seems last night I felt it was the right thing to do.

I haven't said that I like it when her knickers fall off because that would not be the truth. When I knew for sure, I was devastated. Sober J is the most amazing person in the world and our love for each other isn't in doubt for a second. She does not want to hurt me, and she would not be going here if it wasn't hugely important to her.

We now have an unspecified period before the dance comes to an end. I need to be ready when the music stops, because she needs me to be ready when the music stops.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

Welcome to the forum, D.

She said "while you watch." Have you considered she's inviting you into something rather than something she wants without you? It’s possible that this is just a fantasy she wants to share with you and may be probing to see if this turns you on. The fact she mentioned “while you watch” implies she’s familiar with the hotwife/cuckold dynamic and may, for whatever reason, think it might fit.

It’s also possible you’re conflating the current situation with the infidelity of her drunk years. But that history ended when she stopped drinking, and she's held that line for decades by choice. What she's saying now is coming from a sober woman who loves you. Is it possible those are two different things?

Bear in mind, your ages too. She’s in her early 50’s now and had a wild side when she was younger. It’s not uncommon for folks our age (I’m in my 50’s also) to feel nostalgic about the wild fun we had when we were young and want to relive it one more time. That’s very normal. And for most of us, not a crisis.

If you’re considering fulfilling her fantasy for the sole purpose of pleasing her, decide carefully. If the past infidelities and this recent fantasy disclosure didn’t turn you on, it’s safe to say you don’t have the kink DNA that makes this kind of adventure mutually-satisfying. And I have never seen a guy who didn’t have this kink chromosome latent in some manner learn to enjoy this stuff from graduated exposure. Unless you are very unique in your emotional composition, the risk of blowback in proceeding is very high.

[DCaftermath]

The 2 men fantasy is a negotiating tactic. I tried to highlight that with the "pauses"- she was watching to see how much she could get away with throwing at me.

Or it could be the other way around. You say she may indeed wants the two men but when push comes to shove it’s the you being there that will get negotiated out. Why don’t you look at it as if your glass is half full? You’ve already come to a conclusion that your dick is not enough to fully satisfy her, why set yourself out on the stoop with the empty milk bottles? Maybe she wants the two as you watch but she’ll take one while you watch and be happy. Why must you be out? Or maybe that’s what floats your boat?

Nope, if it were me, I show myself as tickled to being a part of her journey. I know everyone is different but I have always thought that in this lifestyle there is that rare couple that does it together or they don’t do it. A man that sees his wife just incredibly sexy and wants to see her pleasured, and at the same time the woman, some that really aren’t looking for other men, do it because there is pleasure in it and more so because they feel desired, their beautiful appreciated by the man that they love. Same page, who wouldn’t want that?

[decisions12]

Welcome to the forum, D.

She said "while you watch." Have you considered she's inviting you into something rather than something she wants without you? It’s possible that this is just a fantasy she wants to share with you and may be probing to see if this turns you on. The fact she mentioned “while you watch” implies she’s familiar with the hotwife/cuckold dynamic and may, for whatever reason, think it might fit.

It’s also possible you’re conflating the current situation with the infidelity of her drunk years. But that history ended when she stopped drinking, and she's held that line for decades by choice. What she's saying now is coming from a sober woman who loves you. Is it possible those are two different things?

Bear in mind, your ages too. She’s in her early 50’s now and had a wild side when she was younger. It’s not uncommon for folks our age (I’m in my 50’s also) to feel nostalgic about the wild fun we had when we were young and want to relive it one more time. That’s very normal. And for most of us, not a crisis.

If you’re considering fulfilling her fantasy for the sole purpose of pleasing her, decide carefully. If the past infidelities and this recent fantasy disclosure didn’t turn you on, it’s safe to say you don’t have the kink DNA that makes this kind of adventure mutually-satisfying. And I have never seen a guy who didn’t have this kink chromosome latent in some manner learn to enjoy this stuff from graduated exposure. Unless you are very unique in your emotional composition, the risk of blowback in proceeding is very high.

Thank you very much for this. I was beginning to wonder whether I had made any of the valid points clear, but you seem to have understood.

The early years were definitely clouding my view. And yes, they are definitely 2 different things.

I am 99% certain that I don't have the kink. I am 100% certain that J knows I would hate watching her with someone else. I am 100% certain that she knows I will allow her to scratch an itch if it's unbearable, even if I don't yet know it... although I do. I am 100% certain that J knows exactly what I will be able to cope with, and I am 100% certain that she has a game plan. Everything will become clear when we eventually talk about it. But we haven't got to this point for a fantasy.

J will have thought very carefully about this. I trust that she knows what she's doing. I don't like it, but she will have known that and planned for it, and I do mean planned and not schemed. As I say, it will become much clearer when we finally have the talk, but I have to be ready to have the talk first. J will know that, and she will know that I will be working on it.

[decisions12]

The 2 men fantasy is a negotiating tactic. I tried to highlight that with the "pauses"- she was watching to see how much she could get away with throwing at me.

Or it could be the other way around. You say she may indeed wants the two men but when push comes to shove it’s the you being there that will get negotiated out. Why don’t you look at it as if your glass is half full? You’ve already come to a conclusion that your dick is not enough to fully satisfy her, why set yourself out on the stoop with the empty milk bottles? Maybe she wants the two as you watch but she’ll take one while you watch and be happy. Why must you be out? Or maybe that’s what floats your boat?

Nope, if it were me, I show myself as tickled to being a part of her journey. I know everyone is different but I have always thought that in this lifestyle there is that rare couple that does it together or they don’t do it. A man that sees his wife just incredibly sexy and wants to see her pleasured, and at the same time the woman, some that really aren’t looking for other men, do it because there is pleasure in it and more so because they feel desired, their beautiful appreciated by the man that they love. Same page, who wouldn’t want that?

Thank you for your thoughts.

It's not about negotiating me out. The base compromise, the one she knows is what we'll finally settle on, is the thing she actually wants. She doesn't want two men, she doesn't want me to watch, she knows that I would never say yes to those things. They are just extra layers of compromise to protect that base position.

To put it in the coarsest terms possible- my wife needs a good fucking, it's really nothing more than that.

[elina]

.....

To put it in the coarsest terms possible- my wife needs a good fucking, it's really nothing more than that.

I think all of us, even D himself should be careful not to jump to conclusion.
The only Person who actually knows what D's Wife wants and needs is D's Wife Herself.

How do you know if your Wife just needs a good fucking?
Maybe what She actually craves and wants is to be able to regularly fuck someone who can do it to Her the way She craves?

I am not claiming that is true, just suggesting maybe D is better off with not making strong assumptions and instead sit down with an open mind with J with the intent of listening to Her.

Sincerely
elina

[decisions12]

.....

To put it in the coarsest terms possible- my wife needs a good fucking, it's really nothing more than that.

I think all of us, even D himself should be careful not to jump to conclusion.
The only Person who actually knows what D's Wife wants and needs is D's Wife Herself.

How do you know if your Wife just needs a good fucking?
Maybe what She actually craves and wants is to be able to regularly fuck someone who can do it to Her the way She craves?

I am not claiming that is true, just suggesting maybe D is better off with not making strong assumptions and instead sit down with an open mind with J with the intent of listening to Her.

Sincerely
elina

I've been thinking very hard today. Letting the fluff go and hearing people's thoughts has made that much easier. I have been able to work it through a bit more and I'm pretty sure now what the score is. As opposed to how definitely sure I was last night about something that makes no logical sense.

How do I know? That's the right question for me to ask myself at this exact moment, good shout.
I know because I know my wife. And because she knows me. She knows that there are some things I just can't accept and even if she harboured urges for those things she would never ask me to do something I jut can't do, even indirectly. I think that's mainly why I was so confused and desperate, I couldn't work it out. But a little time and distance this morning and I could see what J was doing. When I realised that, I figured out the baseline and therein lies the truth. It's a pattern that's been played out multiple times over multiple things through the years. And the crucial thing is that we both know that. J is going to know that I know what she wants by the time we talk.

As I said in an earlier reply to someone- how this inevitably ends is she will get a one-time pass to scratch the itch but if in the future she needs to scratch that itch again the precedent will have already been set. But again, it will all become clear when we have the talk. My job is to be ready for that talk.

Thanks again for the input, it's most appreciated.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

I am 99% certain that I don't have the kink. I am 100% certain that J knows I would hate watching her with someone else. I am 100% certain that she knows I will allow her to scratch an itch if it's unbearable, even if I don't yet know it... although I do. I am 100% certain that J knows exactly what I will be able to cope with, and I am 100% certain that she has a game plan.

Based on everything you’ve said, I see this possibly working out a couple of ways…

1. As Nancy Reagan used to repeat: Just say ‘No’

If you are prone to jealousy and feel resentment is a risk, just tell her it’s a no go. She’ll probably be disappointed, but so be it. She’s lived without a ‘big cock fuckfest’ for a few decades and I’m sure she’ll survive in the future. You described it as a “need” of hers in an earlier post. Let’s be clear, food, water, shelter, and oxygen are needs. ‘Big cock fuckfest’ is a want. Nothing wrong with it. We celebrate girls with that kind of want a lot on this forum. But millions of people live with similar itches and cope with lack of fulfillment for the sake of their partner's emotional well being.

As a personal example, my wife and I enjoyed 16 years of a hotwifing lifestyle and a great sex life as a couple. She then went through early menopause and lost all interest in sex. I, on the other hand, am still fully functional and experience occasional bouts of sexual frustration and longing for the good old days. When asked about a hall pass, her answer was evasive. On another occasion, she implied “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” But I know she hates the idea and experiences jealousy, and thus I haven’t tested the situation. I value her inner peace much more than satisfying my itch.

Is it disappointing? Sure. But it’s nothing I can’t live without (hence “need”) or can’t tepidly satisfy with hand lotion and an archive of videos from our old glory days.

Maybe add a new toy to your toy box for her benefit.

2. “Don’t ask, don’t tell”

When I did approach my wife with the hall pass question, I was very clear about several things — Time-bounded fun as opportunity arises; No complications; Nothing comes home.

But I was only able to make that promise because I’m very clear-minded about compartmenting sex and time-bounded connections from my larger life. If your wife is similar and there is little risk of her sliding into emotional confusion with a new playmate, maybe that’s a workable and ethical compromise. She gets what she wants, no betrayal, and you are shielded from things you know would disturb you.

3. Try it. (Least endorsed idea from where I sit)

As I mentioned before, I have yet to see one guy learn to like this stuff over time. Usually the kink chromosome evolves as emergent fantasy or a moment of induced discovery (lightning bolt erection) from recognizing one’s girl has a naughty side.

In 19 years of being in this community, there is only one time I’ve heard of a guy possibly entering this lifestyle gradually without the kink. It was a complicated situation, but it involved the son in law of a cuckold whose daughter discovered her parent’s activities and wanted to try it in her marriage. Everything told in that story was second hand, so no one really knows what was going on in the guy’s mind. But if the story is complete, the guy agreed and participated directly, and was okay in the end. Supposedly he found benefit in his wife’s appreciation and their supercharged sex life at home. But again, everything about that story was relayed second-hand and who knows what emotional hell that guy may have gone through.

You come across as a very clear-minded and analytic guy. Only you know how you would emotionally handle a similar situation.

Just remember, once the genie is out of the bottle...

[decisions12]

. She’ll probably be disappointed, but so be it. She’s lived without a ‘big cock fuckfest’ for a few decades and I’m sure she’ll survive in the future. You described it as a “need” of hers in an earlier post. Let’s be clear, food, water, shelter, and oxygen are needs.


3. Try it. (Least endorsed idea from where I sit)

As I mentioned before, I have yet to see one guy learn to like this stuff over time. Usually the kink chromosome evolves as emergent fantasy or a moment of induced discovery (lightning bolt erection) from recognizing one’s girl has a naughty side.



Just remember, once the genie is out of the bottle...

You have helped me a lot today, I am extremely grateful. And I think between your posts you have led me to what I suspect may be the crux of the matter. I am only going from some quick reading, but my initial take is that there is a very strong chance that J has a form of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder, which is latent until triggered. One of those triggers is obviously alcohol. It's extremely likely that the menopausal hormone fluctuations are another trigger. If that is the case, then both J's brain/body are screaming that it is in fact a need, not a want. And if that is the case she has probably been fighting that need for a while.

I agree that trying it is the worst idea of the lot. I am fairly sure that I'm never going to develop the kink. But I also know that if I'm on the right track... well, no-one is going to deprive their wife of water simply because how they drink it upsets them, are they?

Yeah, that genie scares the shit out of me.

[Dream Weaver]

I haven't bothered to read every response, but I see yours, so forgive me if it's repetitive.

You are engaging in a mild form of compersion. I say mild because you've all but said you do not *enjoy* the thought of your wife getting some, but you seem to be trying to talk yourself into tolerating it.

Those into the kink will *enjoy* it. The cucks often revel in the stress and angst. I lost 15 pounds when my wife cucked me, but I found it sexually erotic. The "stags" aren't into the angst so much, some don't seem to feel it at all (which I find crazy, but it's true), but they enjoy their wife having some form of sexual relationship with other guys.

Advice?

You're not really in a great place if you don't enjoy it on any level. Even I am tempted to lead you down the path because I'm INTO it. But morally I can't do it unless you open that door.

We could give you tips on how to get through it.... but if you don't like it, you don't like it.

Good luck.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

But I also know that if I'm on the right track... well, no-one is going to deprive their wife of water simply because how they drink it upsets them, are they?

Sounds to me like you’ve made a decision. If so, feel free to compose your thoughts here if you wish.

FWIW, I agree with DreamWeaver. You're taking a very loving position, and your wife is lucky to have you. I just hope you're ready for whatever happens once Pandora opens her box to other men again.

(Now wanna have a talk with my wife? She could use some words of inspiration. )

…The "stags" aren't into the angst so much, some don't seem to feel it at all (which I find crazy, but it's true), but they enjoy their wife having some form of sexual relationship with other guys.

Hang onto your hat, Dream Weaver--some of us "stags" have never felt an ounce of sexual jealousy. Ever!

Nothing but awe and joy in our girl’s naughty deeds.

[Dream Weaver]

But I also know that if I'm on the right track... well, no-one is going to deprive their wife of water simply because how they drink it upsets them, are they?

Sounds to me like you’ve made a decision. If so, feel free to compose your thoughts here if you wish.

FWIW, I agree with DreamWeaver. You're taking a very loving position, and your wife is lucky to have you. I just hope you're ready for whatever happens once Pandora opens her box to other men again.

(Now wanna have a talk with my wife? She could use some words of inspiration. )

…The "stags" aren't into the angst so much, some don't seem to feel it at all (which I find crazy, but it's true), but they enjoy their wife having some form of sexual relationship with other guys.

Hang onto your hat, Dream Weaver--some of us "stags" have never felt an ounce of sexual jealousy. Ever!

Nothing but awe and joy in our girl’s naughty deeds.

WAIT! There's a like button? Hahaha. This website has a lot of subtle improvements lately. Liked.

[Restarting]

I know because I know my wife. And because she knows me.

I understand why you believe you know your wife. After a while, it seems like you share the same brain while still disagreeing on certain things.

After 45 years of marriage and raising 2 successful, now-married daughters with children, I was absolutely certain I knew my wife. Nothing was farther than the truth. The worst part was discovering her betrayal, the best part was realizing that nobody can read another person's mind. Not even after decades of experience.

She knows that there are some things I just can't accept and even if she harbored urges for those things she would never ask me to do something I jut can't do, even indirectly.

Didn't she already do that when she began her "negotiation"?

My impression is that you've resigned yourself to accept whatever your wife chooses to do. I'm guessing if you're opposed to her decisions that resentment is inevitable, not what happy marriages are made of.

Another approach might be to analyze the reason for your opposition. Jealousy? Fear? Self-esteem? All of those things reside in your head and can be managed or resolved.

I don't believe counseling always provides a solution, but from my perspective it would be a small investment to improve the odds of a potentially happier future.

We've been married 52 years, and I learn more about my wife all the time. The first step was not being blinded by the allusion of "knowing" her.

I'm hopeful you will reach an understanding that makes both of you feel good.

Best of luck to both of you.

[Someone2love]

Skimmed this, but first thing that occured to me was what do you think about roleplaying? Be honest with your wife, thank her for being open with you, but you're not sure you would be able to deal with the feelings of seeing her with other men. How would she feel about roleplaying the fantasy - you wear a penis sleeve, and pair it with a large dildo (with a suction base).

You then can be part of her being 'fucked by to big dicks'.

Sort of meeting her halfway. That may or may not be enough for her (or be something you're comfortable with), but food for thought.

[decisions12]

I have a lot to respond to here, thank you all for your thoughts.

Here's where I'm at right now:

I absolutely trust that J would not be doing this if a) she didn't consider it to be vitally important to her wellbeing and b) if she thought it would damage our marriage. I am confident that she expects me to understand that, and I believe that she has thought very hard about this. When I originally posted last night my head was all over the place, but having had time and with some help, I am now thinking more clearly.

Maybe I'm completely wrong but the more I read about CSBD the more it matches what I've actually seen. J would not be doing this to me if she didn't have a damn good reason, and I now strongly suspect that reason is because of her history and how much it hurt me and- and the irony of posting this on this particular forum does not escape me- she feels that "darling, I have this illness for which the only treatment is for me to have sex with other men" probably isn't the right approach. I think she's been causing me the least pain she can to get me to understand something serious is happening. Again though, I might be very wrong.

So yes, I think I have made a decision. It will depend on what J has to say but if there is a good reason for this - and I believe there will be- then, yes I have made a decision.

As for the offer of tips on how to get through it- that would be very welcome if it becomes necessary.

I'm going to take another night to make sure I'm sure, and if I still think the same way in the morning then I guess I will take the plunge and initiate the conversation at some point tomorrow. Which is not something I thought I would be saying this morning.

Thankyou all again.

cheers,

D

[NotNewbs]

My thoughts after reading your thread…

To the question of do you have the DNA to enjoy this kink. When I was younger, the idea of my partner wanting to fuck someone else was terrifying, and would have been a deal breaker for me. There was absolutely no way I would have wanted that, nor tolerated it, full stop. It wasn’t until my mid 30’s, when my partner at the time and I began getting into swinging, couple swapping, and 3somes, that I discovered that that sharing her with other men was the most intense, arousing, and fulfilling sexual experience I could have. Primarily because I saw what it did for her, and seeing her in a raw animalistic sexual state, reaching levels of arousal and pleasure I’d never seen any woman reach, was mesmerizing. And since those early days it was an evolution to the point that I absolutely love sharing my woman. But it was a 180° change in what I thought, in what aroused me versus what scared me. The challenge for you is that you don’t have decades to explore this idea and evolve in it, you’re faced with the immediate reality that your wife wants to fuck someone else. But I suggest to you that it’s possible that you don’t yet know if this is for you or not.

All these years, your wife has suppressed her sexuality, her natural urges, for the sake of you and the marriage. She hasn’t been sexually fulfilled for decades, and she’s traded that for relationship security and love. Think about that. Your wife hasn’t been loved unconditionally. She hasn’t been loved for exactly who she is, for her whole self, she’s been loved so long as she complies with your conditions, protecting your ego and your insecurities. She’s sacrificed a part of herself for decades, for you.

Maybe you really don’t have it in you to embrace your wife’s full sexuality and love her unconditionally as the woman she is, rather than as the woman you want her to be. But do you know that yet? You asked for help preparing yourself for this, so here is my advice.

One way that people deal with things that are scary and painful is to fetishize them. This whole wife sharing lifestyle is a fetish. You turn the scary into something that gives you excitement. There is a process to do this. As I said earlier, you don’t have the benefit of time here, you don’t have years to go through that process, more likely you have months, but here is what you do.

Start watching porn with 1 woman and 2 men, MFM porn. I wouldn’t advise watching cuckold porn, just MFM porn. Jackoff to it. Do this multiple times a week. Start fantasizing that the woman in the porn is your wife. And then start fantasizing about sharing your wife without watching porn. Do this frequently, do it with intention (“force” yourself to fantasize much more frequently than you otherwise would). It might be uncomfortable at first, but over time your brain will start to associate pleasure with these uncomfortable things. That is how you can intentionally fetishized something.

Buy a big dildo. I’d suggest something that can penetrate her up to 8 inches deep. Start using it in her when you’re going down on her. Explore with it. Explore the depth and timing that gets her off the best while you’re licking her. Start incorporating dirty talk while using it in her, like “you love that big dick, huh”. “You need a big dick like this, don’t you.”

Maybe your wife doesn’t really want you to watch, as you said it’s possibly just an opening negotiating position. But your wife was invited you to participate in her full sexuality, on some level she wants it to be a shared experience, with you! If you are able to embrace her invite, and grow, evolve, this could be the best thing that ever happened for your marriage and your sex life. Be willing to get out of your comfort zone to embrace her sexuality, as she has done for you for decades.

And when the conversation happens, tell her that you love her as she is, and for that reason you’re will to try to go down this path with her. Tell her you’ll try it once and see how it goes, as long as the 2 of you agree to the “rules”. And then you start the multiple discussions to follow about what those rules are, and the practical details of how the two of you will go about making it happen. I would suggest that even if you don’t want to be there and watch, that the rules include that it’s a shared experience. That can mean that she must keep you in the loop and not hide anything from you, for example, that she informs you of all developments leading up to the “event”, and tell you all about it afterward.

Perhaps the process of fetishizing this won’t work for you. But shouldn’t you at least give it an honest try? Doesn’t your wife deserve that level of effort from you?

Good luck.