new here and could use some advice/opinions

[decisions12]

All these years, your wife has suppressed her sexuality, her natural urges, for the sake of you and the marriage. She hasn’t been sexually fulfilled for decades, and she’s traded that for relationship security and love. Think about that. Your wife hasn’t been loved unconditionally. She hasn’t been loved for exactly who she is, for her whole self, she’s been loved so long as she complies with your conditions, protecting your ego and your insecurities. She’s sacrificed a part of herself for decades, for you.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I'm quoting this part because I have noticed that people are repeatedly making assumptions about my relationship that are miles off target. I get that you're working from information that is not only incomplete but has come in probably semi-coherent fits and starts as I have worked my way through to figuring out exactly what the real problem is, but it's been interesting to see how people have interpreted that.

I asked J a few questions about her menopause situation tonight when a reasonably unsuspicious moment allowed. Her reaction and answers told me all I need to know. I am convinced I have it right and the real problem is CSBD triggered by hormone fluctuation.

I will definitely be talking to J tomorrow at the earliest opportunity. She started HRT several months ago and if it's not helped with the assumed CSBD then she's been living with this for a while. If that's the case she's going to have a lot she needs to get out as well as a lot she needs to tell me and the sooner she is given that opportunity the better. Now that I have a much clearer picture of what the reality probably is, all I want to do is give J whatever support she needs. And of course I want to know the truth, which only J can tell me.

I know there are some tough days to come, tomorrow will be one of them. But like all the other challenges we've faced in our shared life we'll be facing this one together, whatever that means in practice. That was always going to be the case, and I'm not sure that I really needed the prolonged panic attack.

I want to thank you all again. I appreciate every second of the time you have spent listening and trying to help me and am more grateful than I can express.

D

[decisions12]

Tl;dr : I got most of the important stuff right. We have a tentative solution. J has gone out for a couple of hours and if we still feel as we do now when she gets home then we'll move on that solution.

This post is an update but it's mainly for me to make sure I have everything clear.

I was so sure I was on the right track that I simply asked J straight out- "has the menopause triggered something that used to come out when you drank?" and she burst into tears and threw herself into my arms. So yeah.

Turns out she has known about the Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder for a while, and it has been discussed with her "menopause doctor". Initially they hoped the HRT would keep it under control, but it hasn't so she has been on other meds as well. Unfortunately those aren't working fully either. She is on the waiting list to see a specialist but that is likely still a few months away.

She explained it something like this- from what she remembers, the alcohol triggered it in a way that felt like drowning. A sudden desperate need to breathe. The meds have dampened it down but now it feels like a slow suffocation. A long drawn-out need to breathe that's steadily getting worse and worse.

So I now know what brought all this on. That is a huge relief, and most of my selfish concerns vanished right away. My mindset switched to: this is a medical issue, and that means she needs treatment. The thought that started to circle was: if she needed surgery I wouldn't be dumb enough to think I could perform it.

I was certain J had a plan. I clicked earlier than she had anticipated but that just means a couple of steps got skipped. J's idea is to hire an escort, and honestly, that makes sense in so many ways. There's nothing personal about it so it won't feel like cheating to either of us, she doesn't have to go trawling for a man, she is almost certain to get what she needs since that's the fella's job, and the mental gymnastics necessary to think of it as a private nurse administering a special treatment aren't difficult. An hour's appointment and we're done. That seems like a solution I can cope with much better than any alternative.

There is an area of contention. J wants me to be there; I really don't want to be there. But J's reasons are sensible, personal and understandable so I will probably bite the bullet on that one. We still need to finish that part of the conversation though.

This is moving very fast. I think that's a good thing- get this done as soon as possible. I don't want to be dealing with the anticipation. Whether I'm quite ready for it today I don't know, but if J says she wants to go ahead then I think it's going to.

[NotNewbs]

My wife loves sex. She loves having a lot of sex. She loves having sex with multiple partners, men and women. She is not ashamed of her sexuality nor of her liberated ability to enjoy pleasure and give pleasure however and whenever she wants, and neither am I. This is her sexuality, it’s a part of her humanity and femininity.

I don’t label her sexuality a disorder. It’s not a medical condition that needs to be corrected. On the contrary, it’s a beautiful thing, it’s a wonderful and free expression of her feminine desires and powers, unconstrained by societal expectations or male fragility (the sources that seek to control women).

Female sexuality is about a 1000 times more expansive than male sexuality, in every aspect. They have the ability to experience higher arousal than we do. They can experience more pleasure than we do, with multiple orgasms and whole body orgasms. And they have the ability to give more pleasure than we do, simply because of their anatomy, a woman has the ability to please multiple men at once if she wants to, and she can orgasm and keep right on going, unlike us. Women are sexual beings, they evolved as such so that our species would survive.

I’m only posting this to give you an outside perspective. Your comments read like a man who desperately wants to control his wife’s sexuality to alleviate his own insecurities and protect his ego. Labeling her sexuality as a disorder is very helpful in that pursuit.

You’re not alone, most men cannot handle liberated female sexuality, hence the eons of societal structures built to control women: religion, patriarchal power built into marriage and property laws, social condemnation and ostracism of sexually empowered women as “sluts” and “whores”.

[decisions12]

And here we are. I have a bit of time so in case anyone is invested enough to want to know...

J came home bouncing. She's so happy the truth is out. And then you can add some excitement to that, because to no-one's surprise she wants to go ahead. So she is currently looking for a nurse. (or in J's words "Yay, I'm going shopping for cock" which made me laugh at what might have been a tough moment.)

I am surprisingly calm. I have found several ways to rationalise and de-painify what's happening. J has been amazing and is making absolutely sure I know that she loves me. I have been doing the same for her, and we seem to be back working as a functioning team.

For house layout reasons I am going to have to be in the next room, which I am a bit bothered by, but the only way around that would be for J to use the main bedroom and we both "not fucking happening"ed that. J has repeatedly told me not to worry and that I won't hear anything terrible, and I have logiced that if the worst thing I have to hear is my wife having immense pleasure then under any other circumstances that would be top of my list of things to hear, so I'm hoping that works as a mental balance.

We have decided to book the nurse for 8 so that we have plenty of time afterwards for whatever we need to do/talk about and make sure everything is fine before we sleep. We both think it would be a bad idea to let anything fester overnight.

I think I'm actually ready for this but if anybody has any tips or advice please do share. I will probably nip on here right around 8, so just over 4 hours.

Cheers,
D

[decisions12]

My wife loves sex. She loves having a lot of sex. She loves having sex with multiple partners, men and women. She is not ashamed of her sexuality nor of her liberated ability to enjoy pleasure and give pleasure however and whenever she wants, and neither am I. This is her sexuality, it’s a part of her humanity and femininity.

I don’t label her sexuality a disorder. It’s not a medical condition that needs to be corrected. On the contrary, it’s a beautiful thing, it’s a wonderful and free expression of her feminine desires and powers, unconstrained by societal expectations or male fragility (the sources that seek to control women).

Female sexuality is about a 1000 times more expansive than male sexuality, in every aspect. They have the ability to experience higher arousal than we do. They can experience more pleasure than we do, with multiple orgasms and whole body orgasms. And they have the ability to give more pleasure than we do, simply because of their anatomy, a woman has the ability to please multiple men at once if she wants to, and she can orgasm and keep right on going, unlike us. Women are sexual beings, they evolved as such so that our species would survive.

I’m only posting this to give you an outside perspective. Your comments read like a man who desperately wants to control his wife’s sexuality to alleviate his own insecurities and protect his ego. Labeling her sexuality as a disorder is very helpful in that pursuit.

You’re not alone, most men cannot handle liberated female sexuality, hence the eons of societal structures built to control women: religion, patriarchal power built into marriage and property laws, social condemnation and ostracism of sexually empowered women as “sluts” and “whores”.

Thankyou for your thoughts. I have given them as much consideration as they deserve.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

J's idea is to hire an escort, and honestly, that makes sense in so many ways. There's nothing personal about it so it won't feel like cheating to either of us, she doesn't have to go trawling for a man, she is almost certain to get what she needs since that's the fella's job, and the mental gymnastics necessary to think of it as a private nurse administering a special treatment aren't difficult.

In your situation, that makes good sense. There is something ‘clinical’ about it. However, I suspect her “satisfaction medicine” is going to get expensive over time. If she does have a compulsive disorder and you’re giving it with what it craves, I don’t think this is going to be a one-time deal. Giving an alcoholic a bottle to binge doesn't prevent next Tuesday's craving.

There is an area of contention. J wants me to be there; I really don't want to be there. But J's reasons are sensible, personal and understandable so I will probably bite the bullet on that one.

I am curious about her reasoning to request you to be there. Maybe assuaging guilt, or comforting her with a sense of consent? No problems either way. Just curious.

But I am surprised she’d be insistent considering how uncomfortable this will be for you. No offense to your wife, but I think the most loving thing she could do in reciprocation is be equally attentive to your discomfort. Something about her insistence seems rather selfish and devalues the sacrifice your making for her satisfaction. But maybe I'm overlooking something.

For house layout reasons I am going to have to be in the next room, which I am a bit bothered by, but the only way around that would be for J to use the main bedroom and we both "not fucking happening"ed that. J has repeatedly told me not to worry and that I won't hear anything terrible, and I have logiced that if the worst thing I have to hear is my wife having immense pleasure then under any other circumstances that would be top of my list of things to hear, so I'm hoping that works as a mental balance.

I’m very curious how this is going to play out for you. Even among those of us with this kink, most feel a degree of angst during those torturous and teasing hours where our wife is being pleasured by another man alone. But at least that angst is balanced by a powerful sense of arousal.

The stags would be ready to 'reclaim' her the minute he leaves, and most cucks would be eager to clean her out with their tongue. Both would be horny as hell. But your case is uncharted territory for our kinky little world.

If the sound of her being pleasured by another man doesn't sound like a symphony to you, maybe buy some Bose headphones before the big day.

[decisions12]

J
I am curious about her reasoning to request you to be there. Maybe assuaging guilt, or comforting her with a sense of consent? No problems either way. Just curious.

But I am surprised she’d be insistent considering how uncomfortable this will be for you. No offense to your wife, but I think the most loving thing she could do in reciprocation is be equally attentive to your discomfort. Something about her insistence seems rather selfish and devalues the sacrifice your making for her satisfaction. But maybe I'm overlooking something.



I’m very curious how this is going to play out for you. Even among those of us with this kink, most feel a degree of angst during those torturous and teasing hours where our wife is being pleasured by another man alone. But at least that angst is balanced by a powerful sense of arousal.

you deserve and will get as complete an understanding of the whole process as I can provide.

the thing you're overlooking is missing information about the dynamic of our relationship. She wants me there because she ALWAYS wants me there. This is not the forum for folk who have our dynamic and I'm not surprised that people are so far off in their assessments.

I have the option to leave at any point.

I'm a bit anxious now I'm not with J and I can hear her talking to him downstairs but it's bearable at the moment.

[DaveOnEdge]

My wife loves sex. She loves having a lot of sex. She loves having sex with multiple partners, men and women. She is not ashamed of her sexuality nor of her liberated ability to enjoy pleasure and give pleasure however and whenever she wants, and neither am I. This is her sexuality, it’s a part of her humanity and femininity.

I don’t label her sexuality a disorder. It’s not a medical condition that needs to be corrected. On the contrary, it’s a beautiful thing, it’s a wonderful and free expression of her feminine desires and powers, unconstrained by societal expectations or male fragility (the sources that seek to control women).

Female sexuality is about a 1000 times more expansive than male sexuality, in every aspect. They have the ability to experience higher arousal than we do. They can experience more pleasure than we do, with multiple orgasms and whole body orgasms. And they have the ability to give more pleasure than we do, simply because of their anatomy, a woman has the ability to please multiple men at once if she wants to, and she can orgasm and keep right on going, unlike us. Women are sexual beings, they evolved as such so that our species would survive.

I’m only posting this to give you an outside perspective. Your comments read like a man who desperately wants to control his wife’s sexuality to alleviate his own insecurities and protect his ego. Labeling her sexuality as a disorder is very helpful in that pursuit.

You’re not alone, most men cannot handle liberated female sexuality, hence the eons of societal structures built to control women: religion, patriarchal power built into marriage and property laws, social condemnation and ostracism of sexually empowered women as “sluts” and “whores”.

Thankyou for your thoughts. I have given them as much consideration as they deserve.

decisions12

I think that is an entirely appropriate response. And especially in regards to "consideration" in a variety of contexts, and "deserve" in a very straightforward way.

And as it is not personally directed at me, I can respond a little more.

To NotNewbs,

Dude, I enjoy your posts, and your lovely wife. They show an experience of sexual expression that is transparently joyful.

You correctly note the societal conditioning and inherent misogyny that sex shames women as a group, and targets those specific women who threaten the prevailing norms. There are many social institutions, rules, laws and customs that enforce consequences. The messaging exists at all levels from Commandments to Shibboleths. We all experience them. Men are conditioned to feel these threats, and to apply judgement. Women are co-opted to police other women.

There is no shortage of individual men who "desperately want(s) to control his wife’s sexuality to alleviate his own insecurities and protect his ego". I see no evidence that decisions12 is one of them. I think decisions12's posts are filled with details directly showing the opposite. He is analytical, accommodating, non judgemental, and extraordinarily prepared to put his wife's interests over his own. Repeatedly. I'm not going to take the extra bandwidth to threadjack with the details, but, just read the above.

The one thing I will comment on that is a specific but uncommon features of this case is the impact of an established chemical trigger. decisions12 isn't shaming his wife for her desires or even her actions. He is supporting her in dealing with a condition driven by alcohol, or menopausal changes.

I think you had a genuine reaction to a general problem that is in no way reflected in this specific instance. It reads as a non sequitur.

I'm not going to suggest you owe decisions12 an apology for plainly attributing thoughts to him that are nowhere in his account, but I wonder if upon reflection, you think you do.

[NotNewbs]

Dave,
No, I don’t think I owe him an apology at all. I’m giving him information, he can do with it what he wants. He’s probably choosing to discard it. He clearly doesn’t like the information I’m giving, and that tells me something.

He absolutely appears to me as a man who needs to control his wife’s sexuality. It was a condition of his marriage, he would not stay with her unless she only expressed her sexuality in a manner that met his conditions and made him comfortable. That is a fact that he himself established here, not me. There’s nothing unusual about that, it’s the case in many marriages, and it goes in both directions - negotiated conditions for the relationship. But now his wife wants to fuck other men. Oops.

If it makes him feel better to label that as a disorder, he is also free to do that, and it’s up to her to decide if she’s OK with that label, but women or men getting a little wild when their inhibitions are lowered by alcohol isn’t a disorder, it’s pretty common and pretty normal. And a woman desiring to enjoy her sexuality according to the way that she wants to enjoy it, is also not a disorder.

People with CSBD don’t usually need alcohol to trigger their compulsive behaviors. They also are typically unable to stop their behaviors in spite of negative consequences in their life. That’s one of the indicators for the disorder. That was not the case with his wife, she stopped the behavior. I’m not her psychiatrist, but just based on the information presented here. I don’t think she has CSBD, she’s just a sexual woman who wants to enjoy her sexuality.

She has reached a point in life where she no longer wants to constrain her own sexual enjoyment so much. Mr. decisions can strive to understand that, and support that, and remain her loving husband, or he can label it a disorder. That’s up to him and I really don’t care what he does, I’m just giving him information whether he likes it or not.

My personal opinion is that this is going to blow up in his face - precisely because he is creating conditions and to protect his own psyche, conditions that he thinks will allow him to bear the intense emotional turmoil he will experience - instead of facing this head on, confronting his own insecurities, and getting to a place where he’s at least ok with it instead of just attempting to bear the pain and survive through the experience. He’s choosing to reject information that he doesn’t want to hear, that’s not going to go well for him.

[coastalkid]

The impression I get is that this is not decisions12's preferred solution. Whether his wife is clinically tested positive or whether it's an "arm chair/YouTube diagnosis", I don't get the impression that this solution would be his first choice. I give him credit for being objective and sympathetic enough to "try" to make the sacrifice.

I think he knows what he doesn't want. If you don't want something and you avoid cooperating with the things that lead to that something you don't want, that could considered controlling I suppose. By that definition I know I'm controlling. I'll bet lots of people have things they don't want and have their own personal reasons why.

My guess is that a whole lot will depend on how decisions12's wife treats him. I don't believe there is any way she doesn't know how he feels about this, no matter what brave face he puts on. She has to know. If she goes off "expressing her sexuality", wantonly satiating her every desire and ignores her husband's sexual needs and attention it can't be very likely to succeed. "Learning to like something" is not the same as "Loving and craving something from first sight". It's just my opinion and nothing more than that, guesses really.

[Dream Weaver]

Call me cray cray, but wouldn't this mean some medication, not get an escort? I mean, by all means, you clearly are game, but I'm just sayin. She can get one rubbed out... but it's not going to change a thing. And why not... um... you?

[decisions12]

decisions12

I think that is an entirely appropriate response. And especially in regards to "consideration" in a variety of contexts, and "deserve" in a very straightforward way.

And as it is not personally directed at me, I can respond a little more.

To NotNewbs,

Dude, I enjoy your posts, and your lovely wife. They show an experience of sexual expression that is transparently joyful.

You correctly note the societal conditioning and inherent misogyny that sex shames women as a group, and targets those specific women who threaten the prevailing norms. There are many social institutions, rules, laws and customs that enforce consequences. The messaging exists at all levels from Commandments to Shibboleths. We all experience them. Men are conditioned to feel these threats, and to apply judgement. Women are co-opted to police other women.

There is no shortage of individual men who "desperately want(s) to control his wife’s sexuality to alleviate his own insecurities and protect his ego". I see no evidence that decisions12 is one of them. I think decisions12's posts are filled with details directly showing the opposite. He is analytical, accommodating, non judgemental, and extraordinarily prepared to put his wife's interests over his own. Repeatedly. I'm not going to take the extra bandwidth to threadjack with the details, but, just read the above.

The one thing I will comment on that is a specific but uncommon features of this case is the impact of an established chemical trigger. decisions12 isn't shaming his wife for her desires or even her actions. He is supporting her in dealing with a condition driven by alcohol, or menopausal changes.

I think you had a genuine reaction to a general problem that is in no way reflected in this specific instance. It reads as a non sequitur.

I'm not going to suggest you owe decisions12 an apology for plainly attributing thoughts to him that are nowhere in his account, but I wonder if upon reflection, you think you do.

Thank you for your kind words

[decisions12]

Dave,
No, I don’t think I owe him an apology at all. I’m giving him information, he can do with it what he wants. He’s probably choosing to discard it. He clearly doesn’t like the information I’m giving, and that tells me something.

He absolutely appears to me as a man who needs to control his wife’s sexuality. It was a condition of his marriage, he would not stay with her unless she only expressed her sexuality in a manner that met his conditions and made him comfortable. That is a fact that he himself established here, not me. There’s nothing unusual about that, it’s the case in many marriages, and it goes in both directions - negotiated conditions for the relationship. But now his wife wants to fuck other men. Oops.

If it makes him feel better to label that as a disorder, he is also free to do that, and it’s up to her to decide if she’s OK with that label, but women or men getting a little wild when their inhibitions are lowered by alcohol isn’t a disorder, it’s pretty common and pretty normal. And a woman desiring to enjoy her sexuality according to the way that she wants to enjoy it, is also not a disorder.

People with CSBD don’t usually need alcohol to trigger their compulsive behaviors. They also are typically unable to stop their behaviors in spite of negative consequences in their life. That’s one of the indicators for the disorder. That was not the case with his wife, she stopped the behavior. I’m not her psychiatrist, but just based on the information presented here. I don’t think she has CSBD, she’s just a sexual woman who wants to enjoy her sexuality.

She has reached a point in life where she no longer wants to constrain her own sexual enjoyment so much. Mr. decisions can strive to understand that, and support that, and remain her loving husband, or he can label it a disorder. That’s up to him and I really don’t care what he does, I’m just giving him information whether he likes it or not.

My personal opinion is that this is going to blow up in his face - precisely because he is creating conditions and to protect his own psyche, conditions that he thinks will allow him to bear the intense emotional turmoil he will experience - instead of facing this head on, confronting his own insecurities, and getting to a place where he’s at least ok with it instead of just attempting to bear the pain and survive through the experience. He’s choosing to reject information that he doesn’t want to hear, that’s not going to go well for him.

I just showed your posts to J. When she stopped giggling she said "if this guy ever tours make sure we get tickets." Apparently there are many great points, but she says her very favourite bit is where you understand women so well that a surge in libido during perimenopause leads you to believe that said lady suddenly decided it was time to start shagging around. She also thinks that your knowledge about her condition must mean you are the leading specialist she is waiting to see and asks that you stop fannying about and make her an appointment. Thanks.

[leggysman]

Everybody is trying to be thoughtful and helpful here, so let's take the temperature down.

None of us know the OP or his wife, so all we can do is provide our own insights, informed by all our own assumptions, experiences, and biases. If any one of us is more right or more wrong, that's as likely to be down to serendipity as anything else.

I'm sure we're all dying to know how your evening went, decisions12.

My goodness this has been a fast-moving situation.

[decisions12]

I was just going to pop in before we head for sleep to say that everything is fine and at some point I'll provide a summary of everything. That got side-tracked for a minute but yeah, J is fine, I am fine, relationship is fine. I think I can probably answer the other points when I start on the summary.

Since J is with me, she would like to thank you all for helping. Together we have the following to say:

You guys have shared some of how your kink works, and shown us the effects it has on your thinking and opinions. We appreciate you doing so and would only ask that you approach our kink with the same mindset. For those who are still nowhere close to understanding, our kink is that we only want each other. That's it. Our entire dynamic is pure love for each other and we don't want anybody to interfere with that. This has been a bit of an obstacle but we - by which I mean mainly J- came up with a plan that is going to make one hell of a story if I can tell it right.

Love takes many forms. The only thing that matters is that the love is there and the love is spread.

At this precise moment we both love you all. Goodnight.

[elina]

I was just going to pop in before we head for sleep to say that everything is fine and at some point I'll provide a summary of everything. That got side-tracked for a minute but yeah, J is fine, I am fine, relationship is fine. I think I can probably answer the other points when I start on the summary.

Since J is with me, she would like to thank you all for helping. Together we have the following to say:

You guys have shared some of how your kink works, and shown us the effects it has on your thinking and opinions. We appreciate you doing so and would only ask that you approach our kink with the same mindset. For those who are still nowhere close to understanding, our kink is that we only want each other. That's it. Our entire dynamic is pure love for each other and we don't want anybody to interfere with that. This has been a bit of an obstacle but we - by which I mean mainly J- came up with a plan that is going to make one hell of a story if I can tell it right.

Love takes many forms. The only thing that matters is that the love is there and the love is spread.

At this precise moment we both love you all. Goodnight.

Thank you decisions12

My first reflection with respect to the "why does J want you to be present" is of a different nature than what I think I have sees so far, and you short post above makes me believe this may be more relevant.

I think for all of us, regardless of what kinks and desires we have, we have a deep desire to be loved for exactly what we are, not in spite of it. I especially appraciates the fact that you have now shared this thread with your Wife and the two of you have discussed it. In one of my earlier posts I stated that anybody can speculate, but the only one who knows is J Herself. Clearly She is an intelligent Lady and I loved to see Her reflections on some of the posts here.

When She wants you to be present, to me it indicates that She wants to be loved by you even if you know that She is having sex with other males. She does not want to cheat like She apparantly did in Her younger years. That to me shows both that She deeply loves Her Husband and that She has compassion.

So to you decisions12, isn't it wonderful to experience the way your Wife has handled this?
Will be interesting to see your account of the first night your Lovely Wife cuckolded you again, with your full knowledge and acceptance, and maybe you are now even experiencing a deeper love for Her and a desire to see Her being fully satisfied?

Good luck to both of you, seems to me that you may be passing through the gates to an even better marriage with a more complete level of open conversations than before.

Just my thoughts
Sincere regards.
elina

[decisions12]

Call me cray cray, but wouldn't this mean some medication, not get an escort? I mean, by all means, you clearly are game, but I'm just sayin. She can get one rubbed out... but it's not going to change a thing. And why not... um... you?

J has been taking medication but it isn't fully working, and she's waiting to see a specialist who hopefully will be able to resolve things.

It's a crazy situation and there was no straightforward solution, so J has "self-medicated" in a convoluted and frankly genius way. Hopefully it will all become clear when I try and put it all in a straight line.

[decisions12]

The impression I get is that this is not decisions12's preferred solution. Whether his wife is clinically tested positive or whether it's an "arm chair/YouTube diagnosis", I don't get the impression that this solution would be his first choice. I give him credit for being objective and sympathetic enough to "try" to make the sacrifice.

I think he knows what he doesn't want. If you don't want something and you avoid cooperating with the things that lead to that something you don't want, that could considered controlling I suppose. By that definition I know I'm controlling. I'll bet lots of people have things they don't want and have their own personal reasons why.

My guess is that a whole lot will depend on how decisions12's wife treats him. I don't believe there is any way she doesn't know how he feels about this, no matter what brave face he puts on. She has to know. If she goes off "expressing her sexuality", wantonly satiating her every desire and ignores her husband's sexual needs and attention it can't be very likely to succeed. "Learning to like something" is not the same as "Loving and craving something from first sight". It's just my opinion and nothing more than that, guesses really.

Thankyou for your thoughts.

My wife will treat me the same way she always does- with love, respect, consideration and understanding.
The impression I have obviously given when I started the thread is understandable but I was having a bit of a moment- J is an amazing person, we have an incredible relationship, and neither of us think the other is in any way controlling.

You're right, this was not the preferred solution for either of us. We are initially cautiously optimistic that it has worked but won't really know for a wee while.

So far 3 different doctors with increasingly narrower areas of specialisation all agree. When J finally gets to see the man who knows the subject better than anyone else that will be either confirmed or not, but it's a known form of the illness and the way her symptoms are presenting are a match.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

Thankyou for your thoughts.

My wife will treat me the same way she always does- with love, respect, consideration and understanding.
The impression I have obviously given when I started the thread is understandable but I was having a bit of a moment- J is an amazing person, we have an incredible relationship, and neither of us think the other is in any way controlling.

You're right, this was not the preferred solution for either of us. We are initially cautiously optimistic that it has worked but won't really know for a wee while.

So far 3 different doctors with increasingly narrower areas of specialisation all agree. When J finally gets to see the man who knows the subject better than anyone else that will be either confirmed or not, but it's a known form of the illness and the way her symptoms are presenting are a match.

I woke up this morning and read your posts from last night, happy to see all is well in your world. She sounds okay, you sound okay.

Any moral score keeping and speculations about diagnosis and ‘self-medication’ by our well-intentioned peanut gallery (myself included) are irrelevant. I think we all agree, the only thing that really matters is you’re both okay.

That said, I am curious to hear what the experience was like for you. Emotionally, that is. What is it like for a vanilla guy who has no interest in our kinky sports to listen to his wife’s orgasms from the next room?

[Greg waits for reply while putting on his lab coat and retrieving his clipboard.]

[Greg_N_Shelley]

Call me cray cray, but wouldn't this mean some medication, not get an escort? I mean, by all means, you clearly are game, but I'm just sayin. She can get one rubbed out... but it's not going to change a thing. And why not... um... you?

..It's a crazy situation and there was no straightforward solution, so J has "self-medicated" in a convoluted and frankly genius way. Hopefully it will all become clear when I try and put it all in a straight line.

Convoluted? Yes. "Frankly genius?" Maybe the escort choice. But like Dream Weaver, I do question the sustainability of this solution.

I used the analogy earlier of 'giving an alcoholic a bottle for a night' with question about next week's craving. Maybe what you need is something more like a methadone protocol--some way of satisfying J's cravings that's financially sustainable and doesn't put you in an emotional twist repeatedly.

Ever heard of a sybian machine or motorbunny?

[decisions12]

Ok, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do this but I'll give it a good go. I will try and be as concise as possible but it might be a bit long. And there is a good chance I'll still forget some important details. It's been a bit of a week!


Allow me to introduce my wife: J is my everything, and I hers. We're one of those couples that people see and automatically just know that we belong together, not just in this lifetime but every lifetime. Our lifestyle is almost the complete opposite of I guess everyone else(?) on the forum. I would love to tell you what J's career was but with other information I've provided it would be too easy for someone to figure out who she is if they wanted. What I can say is that she understands the way the human brain works, and particularly how it works with regard to memory, at an extremely high level. As in, write the book on her field and she will have her own chapter levels.

When I burst into your welcoming little world I was in the midst of an ongoing panic attack. My wife had done some unfathomable things, I couldn't work out what was going on, nothing made sense any more and I was in a state. I have regretted the first post since a few hours after I submitted it- there's some key information in it but ugh, I can't even bring myself to re-read it. J, by the way, found it hilarious. I'm not known for being a panicker and although her plan needed me to be asking huge questions and she knew it would be upsetting, she thinks that "presenting our entire sexual history to the world may have been a slight over-reaction". From where I sit now I think I have to agree.

So to clarify what brought me here- J had begun making me question her sexual needs, had deliberately triggered old and painful memories, had begun pointing me towards the medical issues, and I was in a bewildered mess.

When I'd calmed down and started thinking rationally again, I repeatedly said that even though I didn't yet understand, I trusted that J knew what she was doing, that she would have a reason, and that it was my job to figure out what that reason was. It's important to say for those who haven't read the whole thread- there is some very old history that would have made it very painful if J had just told me. The games weren't cruelty, they were in J's opinion the least painful way to bring me to the right conclusion from the right direction.

So the medical part: J has a form of CSBD that was triggered by hormone fluctuations with the onset of the menopause. The overwhelming majority of women see a huge drop in their libido, it's practically a guarantee. J began to experience what would once have been called nymphomania, with her brain and body constantly demanding certain particular sexual things all of the time. The doctors hoped that HRT would help, but it didn't so they tried medication but all that did was dampen the urge not eliminate it. Over time it became harder and harder for J. She is waiting to see the specialist but that's still at least a couple of months away and J had reached breaking point.

The question has been asked as to why I couldn't satisfy the urge. Well, that's the answer- I couldn't. I am literally not equipped to provide what she was beginning to need like she needs oxygen. There were a few options: she could keep trying to suppress it until one day it exploded, satisfy the urge, or find a medical solution.

I find the irony of saying this on this forum exquisite, but neither of us really like the idea of her having an illness that can only be treated by having sex with other men. We are extremely hopeful that there is a medical solution but until or unless that happens J needed a way to cope. What she came up with is a work of genious... if it works, and although the very earliest signs are encouraging we won't know for a while. It's far from the ideal solution but once J had explained it to me I had to agree- in terms of managing the problem via the least painful process I can't think of a better way- again, if it works. But there is a beautiful little backdoor built in- even if it doesn't work, our memories of what happened will be ridiculously positive.

In short, the plan was to overwhelm a negative situation with positive memory builders, essentially tricking our brains into eventually remembering the whole thing a bit differently from how it actually went down, while the initial negative memories are buried under something extremely positive. J also thought the same event could be used to trick her brain and body into finding a different outlet for the CSBD urges - one that I am capable of satisfying. Again, the initial signs are encouraging. I will provide more details later.

This all moved incredibly quickly, it's been a whirlwind few days, but once I knew J was suffering of course all I wanted was for that to stop. It remains to be seen if it was a sensible course in the long run but we are both much calmer and we're perfectly happy with things so far, so at least in the short term it's a winner.

And I think that is probably all the background stuff tied up. This is getting a bit long so I'll stop here and in Part Two I'll walkthrough yesterday. So if you're waiting for the lurid details...

[decisions12]

Convoluted? Yes. "Frankly genius?" Maybe the escort choice. But like Dream Weaver, I do question the sustainability of this solution.

I used the analogy earlier of 'giving an alcoholic a bottle for a night' with question about next week's craving. Maybe what you need is something more like a methadone protocol--some way of satisfying J's cravings that's financially sustainable and doesn't put you in an emotional twist repeatedly.
Ever heard of a sybian machine or motorbunny?

Hold that thought

[decisions12]

Part Two

This might get a bit messy and it is necessarily going to have to be explicit. J says she's ok with me sharing everything but please remember that she is now reading this forum and she does not share your kinks/lifestyles and be respectful of that if you're thinking about making comments of a particular nature.

I think I need to start by saying that J did not give me all the details of the plan and I knew that in advance. I knew a lot of what was coming, but the things that will become the core memories were held back so that they came as surprises because that apparently works better than anticipation. (J says it's something to do with potential disappointment versus unexpected pleasure without pre-expectations) and I will try and remember to say when something I was not expecting happened.

Before we made a decision we did a lot of talking- I imagine most of you have had similar conversations. J repeatedly reassured me that I wouldn't hear anything bad, I knew exactly what acts were going to occur without me, I knew she had something lined up afterwards designed to implant positive memories, I knew she had a thing to do and I had a thing to do. The thing I had to do is the thing that seems to have baffled people the most- and I will confess I was really not happy about it either- that is, being in the room next door. We went back and forth on this one for ages, and in the end she pulled the "just trust me" card which is one of our instant conversation enders. I had an option on this- I could leave at any time but she really wanted me to wait until I absolutely and unmistakably "got it". What "it" was I will reveal in due course.

There is one other thing that I didn't know- exactly what was involved in J's intent to attempt to trick the CSBD (for want of a better way to put it). I knew she was going to try, but she just said it was all connected to the stuff I knew about and that it was her thing that I didn't need clouding my thing.

So...here goes. This is the bit where it's going to get lurid.

I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the choice. J wanted me to know one specific thing which I will also reveal in due course. Once she had made the booking, she came for a cuddle, which I was expecting. That cuddle became an "of all the cocks in the world the one I love is this one because it's yours" handjob, which I kinda expected because it's just how she is. That became a blowjob, which I was not expecting. J has always been a "not in my mouth, not on my face, spit-it-out in case of accidents" type of girl. Core memory number one: for the first time in her life, J swallowed.

So the plan was already working- and that bit still is. If I deliberately remind myself, as just now, that J ordered from rent-a-cock, I get a very fun "she swallowed for the first time" memory.

We had a few hours and we talked a lot more, lots of love and reassurance and going over parts of the plan again and again, especially bits that were likely to painful. I didn't have much time to be anxious or nervous, those few hours were just another time we sat and prepared for an upcoming event together. We're a very-tightly knit team, our team is full of love, we see things as affecting US, not just one of us, and everything we do is for each other. Everything. Doing something for J is doing something for me is doing something for us. So the waiting that might have been really tough wasn't at all. And if my mind did begin to wander in that direction it got stopped in its tracks by "she swallowed!".

I was there while she got ready, again nothing out of the ordinary- if she goes out without me I follow her from bathroom to bedroom, hand her stuff, tell her "that looks stunning" or "not quite" depending on her expression because obviously it looks stunning, it's on her. She does the same if I'm going out without her. So again, virtually no anxiety, just me and J being us.

When I left J on her own the anxiety finally began to creep in. There weren't any tricks that could persuade me that there wasn't a conversation going on downstairs or who was having that conversation because I could hear their voices. I definitely had a moment where I thought I was about to go downstairs and apply foot to arse, but I managed to quash that quickly and then it was mostly butterflies, tightly closed eyes and fists, and an odd numbness that I'm not sure about. I can't decide if it was resignation, acceptance, fear...or something else. But it was quite prominent for a bit. And I wanted to hold J. There was an overwhelming longing for her that is akin to but not exactly like when we're apart for too long.

Those particular few minutes went on for ever. Longest part of the whole process.

I need to stop for a bit. Hopefully I can wrap it up in the next post.

[Greg_N_Shelley]

... but the things that will become the core memories were held back so that they came as surprises because that apparently works better than anticipation. (J says it's something to do with potential disappointment versus unexpected pleasure without pre-expectations) and I will try and remember to say when something I was not expecting happened.

..I knew she had something lined up afterwards designed to implant positive memories, I knew she had a thing to do and I had a thing to do.

Those lines are still a bit cryptic to me, but maybe it will all make sense when your story is finished.

[decisions12]

Part Three

Here's the thing J wanted me to know about her choice- as close to my height, size and shape as possible. She also made sure I knew that there was a can of my deodorant downstairs. J says he was told in advance what to use and that was a back-up but I didn't know that at the time. I was also told that J would be wearing a blindfold for the majority of the time.

aside-J is laughing at me and telling me that since I'm doing this I might as well do it right and tell it all. Mostly she's teasing me because I am having a huge dilemma that she is finding incredibly entertaining- I don't want to know how big he was but I also want to know how big he was- but she's also right.

So what I was actually told was that the blindfold would go on the second J was in the room and it wouldn't come off until the end. The entire idea, as you've probably already guessed, was to make the substitution as un-noticeable as possible to J's available senses and let her brain do the thing it wanted to do under those conditions.

What really happened -

J's words:
Both still fully dressed. I had the blindfold ready and was getting it out. We were very close in a small room, kept nudging into each other and I accidentally and I do mean accidentally touched something. I couldn't help myself, I wanted to see it. The blindfold went on once I'd had a damn good look.

So there's that.

Greg, here's the bit where you need to have a sharp pencil:

From my perspective:

I heard them coming up the stairs and my brain just went into a loop- you can still stop this, you have to trust J, you can still stop this, you have to trust J. I think it may only be the fact that we had prepared heavily for this exact moment and a couple of other very obvious ones that made me stay where I was. There were a couple of times I was close to putting an end to it, but this one was the one I found hardest to handle- that very last moment, no going back from here. There was definitely jealousy, and also despair. But again, the overwhelming feeling was a longing for J. I just wanted her in my arms.

Here's something that I know from various comments that some of you won't understand- J and I belong to each other, totally and completely, and that's the way we both want it. She belongs in my arms, always.

I can't really explain any better than asking you to try and connect those things- it was a highly complicated emotional and intellectual moment and all I wanted was J in my arms. That is where both of us want her to be all of the time. If that feeling has a name, there's your boy.

I heard the door close and I felt physically sick. I knew what I was going to hear next and the feeling was pure dread. I heard moving-about noises, a few low words I couldn't catch, then J giggled and that brought a sharp jealous pain. Some rustling, some quiet, and then I heard the sucking. That one was really odd- I put my hands to my face and silently screamed WHY? So that was where I had a little pain at the unfairness of the whole thing. As I'd been told, that didn't last long, there was a bit more movement, and J made some "I like the way you're touching me" noises for about a minute.

J's memory of this is different to her actual knowledge of what happened. What happened is what obviously happened, but she doesn't remember it as it happened.
J's words; Here's what I remember: I took a random guy into the spare room, started sucking on his dick and then he switched places with my husband who made sure I was ready and then fucked me silly.

I heard the noise J made when she was entered and I hadn't even begun to process that when she began making a whole lot of other noises I'd never heard before, and I was still mostly just bewildered when J loudly announced that she was coming and then screamed as she did so. I still cannot believe how fast that happened. I can't believe how fast her second orgasm came either, it was right behind the first.

Until J screamed I don't think I actually had a recognisable thought or emotion. I was mostly just stunned. Something in J's screams snapped me out of it but I didn't really register much, it was coming out of a daze stuff. I could hear J moaning, I could hear the in and out and mostly I was just astonished. Then J started talking to me. She was encouraging me to give her another orgasm, and she wasn't pretending it was me, in her mind it was me. I'd been expecting this but I think part of me suspected that she would just be pretending. The third orgasm she cried out my name, and there was an indescribably sweet note in her voice. At that moment I got an erection, J calling my name in that voice was unbelievably erotic.
There was a short gap before orgasm 4, and at the height of that one she screamed out that she loved me, and that's where I broke. Just burst out crying. J had asked me to stay until I had unmistakeably "got it", and that was the point. As far as J was concerned she was getting what I imagine was the best sex of her life - yeah, she's nodding- from the man she loves. I was listening to my wife getting fucked by me. It was bizarre.

And that was when I left. I went down to the garage where I wouldn't be able to hear, it was all just too much to take in. J had another orgasm as I was on the stairs and was working on yet another when I moved out of earshot. I distinctly remember thinking "if this doesn't do it for her nothing will."

I'm gonna need another post to finish this. I'm really sorry for how long the whole thing is getting.