My wife confessed to having casual sex multiple times, so confused
Posted: Tue Aug 20, 2024 1:58 pm
This past week has been the most confusing and conflicting of my life. My wife (Asian, 34) and I (white, 36) have been married for the last 10 years and together for 14. We have two kids. Before meeting my wife, I had already developed a Hotwife/cuckold kink during a relationship in college.
Within the first year of our relationship, I shared these fantasies with her. She received it surprisingly well, and our mutual past sexual experiences became a regular topic during sex, which turned both of us on.
Before we met, she had enjoyed some sexual flings and even visited a swingers resort in Mexico. I found talking about these things incredibly arousing. However, I never felt our communication was strong enough to navigate a non-monogamous relationship without conflict. My wife often got jealous and accused me of giving other women too much attention. She had some reasons for these reservations in the early years, as I was on dating websites, particularly after we had fights. But I stopped this behavior over a decade ago, even though the occasional accusations never really ceased, which has been a recurring sore point in our relationship.
A few years ago, my wife confessed that she kissed a guy while traveling in Europe during the first few months of our dating. She told me this a decade later. It was so long in the past, and given my sketchy behavior at the time, I didn’t hold it against her—in fact, I found it kind of hot.
Over the last three years, I thought we were making progress in being open with each other. My wife began expressing an interest in potentially having sex with other men in a Hotwife dynamic. She even brought it up herself during sex.
In 2022, she approached me twice within one month, asking if she could have sex with another guy. I agreed on the condition that she keep me in the loop and tell me about it. I wasn’t sure if I could handle it, so this was going to be an experiment for me. I told myself that as long as she told me about it, I could only hold myself accountable for the outcome since I granted permission.
Unsurprisingly, it turned out my wife had already found a man she was interested in during a month-long business trip. They flirted, and she enjoyed the attention. Things escalated, and she attempted to kiss him, but he turned her down. This rejection affected her negatively, and it took her several months to fully disclose what happened. Upon her return from the trip, it was obvious her mood was off, but she initially wouldn’t elaborate, only stating that nothing happened between her and the guy. Given how this episode played out, I became more reluctant to explore this lifestyle. It seemed like a lot of drama, and I hated how it affected my wife.
As expected, my wife also lost interest in the whole thing. Slowly, over about a year, we drifted back into enjoying the fantasy together. She even brought up the idea of going to a swingers resort with me in early 2024. I surprised her with a trip a few months later, but after a lot of back and forth, she decided we shouldn’t go. She was actually angry at me for surprising her, saying it was presumptuous. The whole situation was very confusing, and we didn’t go, so the money was wasted.
This brings us to this month. Early last week, my wife gave me her phone password because she needed me to do something with it. While on her phone, I noticed an email from the casual encounter website Ashley Madison. This led me to dig deeper, and I quickly realized she had been on that website since at least early 2022, after the falling out with the guy who rejected her. It became apparent she had been chatting with at least a dozen men regularly between May 2022 and February 2024, just after we canceled the resort trip. Her Kik and text messages made it clear she had met up with several of these men.
Going through her older emails from 2010-2011, I discovered more from the first two years we were dating—it appears she was messaging men for casual encounters back then too, though it’s unclear if she ever met up with any.
I immediately confronted her, and she admitted to meeting two of these men for “coffee” in 2022. I was livid that she did all of this without telling me, especially since I’ve been open and supportive around this topic. She explained that she was feeling really sad and upset at the time, primarily due to the rejection she’d experienced and other work-related factors, and that she sought attention to “feel better.”
Regarding the earlier messages from our early years of dating, she said she did that because she was upset with me for being on dating websites in those first years and claimed she never met anyone.
Later that same day, she confessed that she had sex with two of the men from Ashley Madison in 2022-2023, meeting up with them at least six times for sex at their homes between November 2022 and February 2023. She also mentioned going out for coffee or drinks with a handful of other men, but these didn’t lead to sex. I was absolutely devastated by this betrayal. All those times I thought she was at work or attending events…
My mind has been completely messed up. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. On one hand, this is a total betrayal of my trust, and I have no idea how I’ll trust her again. On the other, I find the whole thing an enormous turn-on. It’s like my brain is being pulled in two directions, and I feel like I’m going crazy.
Since my wife confessed, she’s been staying at a hotel because I needed her out of the house—it was too painful. She’s been very apologetic, tearful, and has expressed a desire to continue our marriage.
In the meantime, I found a random condom in her nightstand. We don’t have any in the house since I had a vasectomy after our last child was born. This discovery just messes with my head even more. She adamantly denies seeing any other guys since early 2023, but I do know she occasionally chatted online with men she had met previously as recently as last month. The text conversations seem to support her claim that she hasn’t met up with anyone recently, but reading between the lines, it’s clear she wasn’t entirely opposed to it.
I asked her to tell me all the details of her encounters over the phone the other day—partly because I wanted no more secrets, and partly because, in some twisted way, the whole thing turns me on. She was willing to do this. We had a two-hour conversation where she described each guy she met, what they looked like, what they talked about, every time they met, and in detail how they went down on her, fucked her in multiple positions, licked her ass, and how she gave them blow jobs. The whole thing was messed up. I was so turned on and so disgusted at the same time. I hung up the phone feeling absolutely twisted in knots, never more conflicted about myself.
Now, whenever I look at her, I can’t help but think about those lips blowing another guy, her legs wrapping around another man pounding her. Then the betrayal and secrecy come rushing back, and I feel like my stomach drops to the floor. I have no idea how to handle this.
I’ve talked to her about this. She says she’s lost all interest in having sex with other guys and insists she was just attracted to the idea of casual sex and exploring physically. I believe her. She admitted she kept talking to some of the guys out of boredom and partly because she knew I liked the idea of her having sex with other men. But she acknowledges it was clearly wrong.
Ultimately, based on her sexual history before meeting me, and her track record for seeking out and having casual sex, I don’t see this stopping. She was doing this before I met her, contacting guys during the first year we were dating, and sleeping with men over at least 2022/2023. She was still messaging men as recently as last month. She expresses a desire to continue our marriage, but realistically, I told her that without her being open about her desires, how can we possibly have a marriage? She agreed and said that now that everything is out in the open, she feels she can easily communicate these ideas. However, she also expresses no desire to pursue this at the moment, and says this has been the case since early 2023. She also stated she wouldn’t be opposed to opening our marriage, reminding me that she finds the idea of me having sex with others a turn-on, which she has expressed for years. However, I know that dynamics like swinging or Hotwifing require excellent communication, and obviously, we’re nowhere near achieving that today.
I’m just totally lost. Divorce seems like the easiest immediate course, but I don’t want to give up on this marriage if we can achieve the openness and mutual understanding needed to make some form of consensual non-monogamy work. I feel like there’s potential to bridge that gap, but the path seems emotionally and logistically treacherous. But then again, so does divorce, and that’s not a guarantee for achieving what we both want either.
I’ve never been so confused, lost, hurt, or turned on. What a mess.
Within the first year of our relationship, I shared these fantasies with her. She received it surprisingly well, and our mutual past sexual experiences became a regular topic during sex, which turned both of us on.
Before we met, she had enjoyed some sexual flings and even visited a swingers resort in Mexico. I found talking about these things incredibly arousing. However, I never felt our communication was strong enough to navigate a non-monogamous relationship without conflict. My wife often got jealous and accused me of giving other women too much attention. She had some reasons for these reservations in the early years, as I was on dating websites, particularly after we had fights. But I stopped this behavior over a decade ago, even though the occasional accusations never really ceased, which has been a recurring sore point in our relationship.
A few years ago, my wife confessed that she kissed a guy while traveling in Europe during the first few months of our dating. She told me this a decade later. It was so long in the past, and given my sketchy behavior at the time, I didn’t hold it against her—in fact, I found it kind of hot.
Over the last three years, I thought we were making progress in being open with each other. My wife began expressing an interest in potentially having sex with other men in a Hotwife dynamic. She even brought it up herself during sex.
In 2022, she approached me twice within one month, asking if she could have sex with another guy. I agreed on the condition that she keep me in the loop and tell me about it. I wasn’t sure if I could handle it, so this was going to be an experiment for me. I told myself that as long as she told me about it, I could only hold myself accountable for the outcome since I granted permission.
Unsurprisingly, it turned out my wife had already found a man she was interested in during a month-long business trip. They flirted, and she enjoyed the attention. Things escalated, and she attempted to kiss him, but he turned her down. This rejection affected her negatively, and it took her several months to fully disclose what happened. Upon her return from the trip, it was obvious her mood was off, but she initially wouldn’t elaborate, only stating that nothing happened between her and the guy. Given how this episode played out, I became more reluctant to explore this lifestyle. It seemed like a lot of drama, and I hated how it affected my wife.
As expected, my wife also lost interest in the whole thing. Slowly, over about a year, we drifted back into enjoying the fantasy together. She even brought up the idea of going to a swingers resort with me in early 2024. I surprised her with a trip a few months later, but after a lot of back and forth, she decided we shouldn’t go. She was actually angry at me for surprising her, saying it was presumptuous. The whole situation was very confusing, and we didn’t go, so the money was wasted.
This brings us to this month. Early last week, my wife gave me her phone password because she needed me to do something with it. While on her phone, I noticed an email from the casual encounter website Ashley Madison. This led me to dig deeper, and I quickly realized she had been on that website since at least early 2022, after the falling out with the guy who rejected her. It became apparent she had been chatting with at least a dozen men regularly between May 2022 and February 2024, just after we canceled the resort trip. Her Kik and text messages made it clear she had met up with several of these men.
Going through her older emails from 2010-2011, I discovered more from the first two years we were dating—it appears she was messaging men for casual encounters back then too, though it’s unclear if she ever met up with any.
I immediately confronted her, and she admitted to meeting two of these men for “coffee” in 2022. I was livid that she did all of this without telling me, especially since I’ve been open and supportive around this topic. She explained that she was feeling really sad and upset at the time, primarily due to the rejection she’d experienced and other work-related factors, and that she sought attention to “feel better.”
Regarding the earlier messages from our early years of dating, she said she did that because she was upset with me for being on dating websites in those first years and claimed she never met anyone.
Later that same day, she confessed that she had sex with two of the men from Ashley Madison in 2022-2023, meeting up with them at least six times for sex at their homes between November 2022 and February 2023. She also mentioned going out for coffee or drinks with a handful of other men, but these didn’t lead to sex. I was absolutely devastated by this betrayal. All those times I thought she was at work or attending events…
My mind has been completely messed up. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. On one hand, this is a total betrayal of my trust, and I have no idea how I’ll trust her again. On the other, I find the whole thing an enormous turn-on. It’s like my brain is being pulled in two directions, and I feel like I’m going crazy.
Since my wife confessed, she’s been staying at a hotel because I needed her out of the house—it was too painful. She’s been very apologetic, tearful, and has expressed a desire to continue our marriage.
In the meantime, I found a random condom in her nightstand. We don’t have any in the house since I had a vasectomy after our last child was born. This discovery just messes with my head even more. She adamantly denies seeing any other guys since early 2023, but I do know she occasionally chatted online with men she had met previously as recently as last month. The text conversations seem to support her claim that she hasn’t met up with anyone recently, but reading between the lines, it’s clear she wasn’t entirely opposed to it.
I asked her to tell me all the details of her encounters over the phone the other day—partly because I wanted no more secrets, and partly because, in some twisted way, the whole thing turns me on. She was willing to do this. We had a two-hour conversation where she described each guy she met, what they looked like, what they talked about, every time they met, and in detail how they went down on her, fucked her in multiple positions, licked her ass, and how she gave them blow jobs. The whole thing was messed up. I was so turned on and so disgusted at the same time. I hung up the phone feeling absolutely twisted in knots, never more conflicted about myself.
Now, whenever I look at her, I can’t help but think about those lips blowing another guy, her legs wrapping around another man pounding her. Then the betrayal and secrecy come rushing back, and I feel like my stomach drops to the floor. I have no idea how to handle this.
I’ve talked to her about this. She says she’s lost all interest in having sex with other guys and insists she was just attracted to the idea of casual sex and exploring physically. I believe her. She admitted she kept talking to some of the guys out of boredom and partly because she knew I liked the idea of her having sex with other men. But she acknowledges it was clearly wrong.
Ultimately, based on her sexual history before meeting me, and her track record for seeking out and having casual sex, I don’t see this stopping. She was doing this before I met her, contacting guys during the first year we were dating, and sleeping with men over at least 2022/2023. She was still messaging men as recently as last month. She expresses a desire to continue our marriage, but realistically, I told her that without her being open about her desires, how can we possibly have a marriage? She agreed and said that now that everything is out in the open, she feels she can easily communicate these ideas. However, she also expresses no desire to pursue this at the moment, and says this has been the case since early 2023. She also stated she wouldn’t be opposed to opening our marriage, reminding me that she finds the idea of me having sex with others a turn-on, which she has expressed for years. However, I know that dynamics like swinging or Hotwifing require excellent communication, and obviously, we’re nowhere near achieving that today.
I’m just totally lost. Divorce seems like the easiest immediate course, but I don’t want to give up on this marriage if we can achieve the openness and mutual understanding needed to make some form of consensual non-monogamy work. I feel like there’s potential to bridge that gap, but the path seems emotionally and logistically treacherous. But then again, so does divorce, and that’s not a guarantee for achieving what we both want either.
I’ve never been so confused, lost, hurt, or turned on. What a mess.