My wife confessed to having casual sex multiple times, so confused

[xyz11]

This past week has been the most confusing and conflicting of my life. My wife (Asian, 34) and I (white, 36) have been married for the last 10 years and together for 14. We have two kids. Before meeting my wife, I had already developed a Hotwife/cuckold kink during a relationship in college.

Within the first year of our relationship, I shared these fantasies with her. She received it surprisingly well, and our mutual past sexual experiences became a regular topic during sex, which turned both of us on.

Before we met, she had enjoyed some sexual flings and even visited a swingers resort in Mexico. I found talking about these things incredibly arousing. However, I never felt our communication was strong enough to navigate a non-monogamous relationship without conflict. My wife often got jealous and accused me of giving other women too much attention. She had some reasons for these reservations in the early years, as I was on dating websites, particularly after we had fights. But I stopped this behavior over a decade ago, even though the occasional accusations never really ceased, which has been a recurring sore point in our relationship.

A few years ago, my wife confessed that she kissed a guy while traveling in Europe during the first few months of our dating. She told me this a decade later. It was so long in the past, and given my sketchy behavior at the time, I didn’t hold it against her—in fact, I found it kind of hot.

Over the last three years, I thought we were making progress in being open with each other. My wife began expressing an interest in potentially having sex with other men in a Hotwife dynamic. She even brought it up herself during sex.

In 2022, she approached me twice within one month, asking if she could have sex with another guy. I agreed on the condition that she keep me in the loop and tell me about it. I wasn’t sure if I could handle it, so this was going to be an experiment for me. I told myself that as long as she told me about it, I could only hold myself accountable for the outcome since I granted permission.

Unsurprisingly, it turned out my wife had already found a man she was interested in during a month-long business trip. They flirted, and she enjoyed the attention. Things escalated, and she attempted to kiss him, but he turned her down. This rejection affected her negatively, and it took her several months to fully disclose what happened. Upon her return from the trip, it was obvious her mood was off, but she initially wouldn’t elaborate, only stating that nothing happened between her and the guy. Given how this episode played out, I became more reluctant to explore this lifestyle. It seemed like a lot of drama, and I hated how it affected my wife.

As expected, my wife also lost interest in the whole thing. Slowly, over about a year, we drifted back into enjoying the fantasy together. She even brought up the idea of going to a swingers resort with me in early 2024. I surprised her with a trip a few months later, but after a lot of back and forth, she decided we shouldn’t go. She was actually angry at me for surprising her, saying it was presumptuous. The whole situation was very confusing, and we didn’t go, so the money was wasted.

This brings us to this month. Early last week, my wife gave me her phone password because she needed me to do something with it. While on her phone, I noticed an email from the casual encounter website Ashley Madison. This led me to dig deeper, and I quickly realized she had been on that website since at least early 2022, after the falling out with the guy who rejected her. It became apparent she had been chatting with at least a dozen men regularly between May 2022 and February 2024, just after we canceled the resort trip. Her Kik and text messages made it clear she had met up with several of these men.

Going through her older emails from 2010-2011, I discovered more from the first two years we were dating—it appears she was messaging men for casual encounters back then too, though it’s unclear if she ever met up with any.

I immediately confronted her, and she admitted to meeting two of these men for “coffee” in 2022. I was livid that she did all of this without telling me, especially since I’ve been open and supportive around this topic. She explained that she was feeling really sad and upset at the time, primarily due to the rejection she’d experienced and other work-related factors, and that she sought attention to “feel better.”

Regarding the earlier messages from our early years of dating, she said she did that because she was upset with me for being on dating websites in those first years and claimed she never met anyone.

Later that same day, she confessed that she had sex with two of the men from Ashley Madison in 2022-2023, meeting up with them at least six times for sex at their homes between November 2022 and February 2023. She also mentioned going out for coffee or drinks with a handful of other men, but these didn’t lead to sex. I was absolutely devastated by this betrayal. All those times I thought she was at work or attending events…

My mind has been completely messed up. I feel like I’ve been living a lie. On one hand, this is a total betrayal of my trust, and I have no idea how I’ll trust her again. On the other, I find the whole thing an enormous turn-on. It’s like my brain is being pulled in two directions, and I feel like I’m going crazy.

Since my wife confessed, she’s been staying at a hotel because I needed her out of the house—it was too painful. She’s been very apologetic, tearful, and has expressed a desire to continue our marriage.

In the meantime, I found a random condom in her nightstand. We don’t have any in the house since I had a vasectomy after our last child was born. This discovery just messes with my head even more. She adamantly denies seeing any other guys since early 2023, but I do know she occasionally chatted online with men she had met previously as recently as last month. The text conversations seem to support her claim that she hasn’t met up with anyone recently, but reading between the lines, it’s clear she wasn’t entirely opposed to it.

I asked her to tell me all the details of her encounters over the phone the other day—partly because I wanted no more secrets, and partly because, in some twisted way, the whole thing turns me on. She was willing to do this. We had a two-hour conversation where she described each guy she met, what they looked like, what they talked about, every time they met, and in detail how they went down on her, fucked her in multiple positions, licked her ass, and how she gave them blow jobs. The whole thing was messed up. I was so turned on and so disgusted at the same time. I hung up the phone feeling absolutely twisted in knots, never more conflicted about myself.

Now, whenever I look at her, I can’t help but think about those lips blowing another guy, her legs wrapping around another man pounding her. Then the betrayal and secrecy come rushing back, and I feel like my stomach drops to the floor. I have no idea how to handle this.

I’ve talked to her about this. She says she’s lost all interest in having sex with other guys and insists she was just attracted to the idea of casual sex and exploring physically. I believe her. She admitted she kept talking to some of the guys out of boredom and partly because she knew I liked the idea of her having sex with other men. But she acknowledges it was clearly wrong.

Ultimately, based on her sexual history before meeting me, and her track record for seeking out and having casual sex, I don’t see this stopping. She was doing this before I met her, contacting guys during the first year we were dating, and sleeping with men over at least 2022/2023. She was still messaging men as recently as last month. She expresses a desire to continue our marriage, but realistically, I told her that without her being open about her desires, how can we possibly have a marriage? She agreed and said that now that everything is out in the open, she feels she can easily communicate these ideas. However, she also expresses no desire to pursue this at the moment, and says this has been the case since early 2023. She also stated she wouldn’t be opposed to opening our marriage, reminding me that she finds the idea of me having sex with others a turn-on, which she has expressed for years. However, I know that dynamics like swinging or Hotwifing require excellent communication, and obviously, we’re nowhere near achieving that today.

I’m just totally lost. Divorce seems like the easiest immediate course, but I don’t want to give up on this marriage if we can achieve the openness and mutual understanding needed to make some form of consensual non-monogamy work. I feel like there’s potential to bridge that gap, but the path seems emotionally and logistically treacherous. But then again, so does divorce, and that’s not a guarantee for achieving what we both want either.

I’ve never been so confused, lost, hurt, or turned on. What a mess.

[Bryce 69]

Long story full of how you want to are turned on but when she actually develops relationships you are sad
Seems like she has tried to communicate with you and your scared
Tell her your sorry for your mixed messages get her home start over in your new sexual dynamic

[trecital]

If your story is true (and I'm not questioning it), then this is the last place that you should post to for 'advice'.
You need marriage guidance counselling, rather than random responses from a web site devoted to hotwifing and cuckolding.
And that's not to be disrespectful to any well intentioned responders here.
Good luck.

[Mumfred]

If your story is true (and I'm not questioning it), then this is the last place that you should post to for 'advice'.
You need marriage guidance counselling, rather than random responses from a web site devoted to hotwifing and cuckolding.
And that's not to be disrespectful to any well intentioned responders here.
Good luck.

I agree with you trectial.

[WatchinginNJ]

You have two separate issues and while they maybe superficially related, they aren't really.

Your wife cheated and lied to you. She has been trickle truthing you and continuing with the deception. This is not ethical non-monogamy.

It can still be hot to thin of the extramarital sex, that's your kink. Don't yuck your own yum. Its also perfectly feasible to use it as a coping mechanism.

But in the end, the only issue here is the deceit.

If your brother/dad/best friend came and told you the whole deception side of it, what advice would you give them?

She had self esteem and self validation issues, so she went out and fixed them. Except she didn't involve you in the process. When you gave her a pre-written hall pass why did she not involve you? Why didn't she trust you enough to discuss it with you?

This is her problem to fix, not yours. Take it from a Divorced guy, you can have the kind of women who does this, and still does it in a way that is positive for both of you.

[exroadie]

As others mentioned, we are all very deep into one side of this dynamic. Balance isn’t exactly our strong suit here. But, as someone who’s been married and happy about that, for 35 years (to the same woman) it is my opinion that it is worth it to work out the difficulties in a relationship. Because you are hurt and conflicted in your feelings about what she did and because she seems to have a long term pattern of risk taking and self destructive behavior with sex in relationships (you both know she could have just told you she wanted a fling and choosing not to is part of her choice dynamic) it would really be best to get some pro level help if you want to move forward. Risk taking and destructive behavior is a red flag that a person has real damage or some serious personal quirks that needs to be acknowledged so they don’t cause major damage to everyone. Some people just love the sort of adrenaline side of crazy stuff and that’s such a draw, they don’t think about consequences. Some people have personal damage because of past experiences that leads to bad behavior choices. Realistically you don’t ever change any of that, but knowing your what’s and whys keeps things from being as hurtful going forward.
So that’s my 2¢ worth. I hope you find a path forward that brings both of you happiness.

[gruenberg]

Divorce is always an option, but whether it's the best idea is always something that only becomes clear in retrospect.

I was also in a situation of being cheated on, of lying, and that led to a deep crisis in our relationship. (short version: wife cheated on me, got pregnant, that's how I found out) It was a very hard time for us. The marriage was on the rocks, I felt very bad, but so did she. But we made it through together and are still happily married. I've learnt to live with the fact that my wife has a different sex life. But there is so much more that is positive, so much more that you can live very happily with things.

My advice: think twice about divorce.

[Parsifal]

First let me concur with all of the disclaimers about why this site may a less than optimum forum for getting the kind of advice you may need. You wife had a series of affairs, she confessed for a reason, now what are you going to make of it?

Your story - fact or not - is pretty hot. There is a study by a sociologist named Alice Walker that surveys a fair cross sample of married women using Ashley Madison to cheat. Most of these women aren't looking to jump ship. Most need to experience sex in a taboo or naughty space to reach the intense orgasm they need to level out or in some cases stay sane. They may love their husbands very much. In a nutshell, your wife needs to cheat, perhaps, to turn her body loose.

[jc6morw]

Your feeling of confusion and conflict is unique and you need to consider it's value and it's price. Your situation is rare and many men wouldn't like it. There is not much mutual control. But do *you* like it, hate it, or crave it?

You can try to appreciate her perspective that she's had mixed sexual success with men for whatever reason. If your hotwife kink can only be fulfilled in a transparent controlled arrangement, she might have to endure for pain and frustration to deliver what you think you want.

The truth trickled out slowly, but there seem to be no ill intention to hurt or leave you, only confusion on her part. She's a keeper. But therapy could be useful to identify what aspects of her past indiscretions are hurtful to her as well as to you and more importantly which aspects are actually positive gems for the particular person you are and the particular person she is.

[jesseejames29]

Brother I have been in your shoes. We got back into swinging in 2018. We decided to see people separately for a few months. I acted like a real idiot during this time. I went and spent the night with a local woman, when it came time for her to go I got jealous to the point of her calling off her dates.

Fast forward a year and we are swinging with couples, girls, and guys. One guy she liked I vetoed (married religious creepy). Well come to find out she went behind my back for several months and saw him on her own. I felt the same way that you described. I was devastated but turned on at the same time. There have been several times in our marriage when she's broken a rule or crossed lines, we were actively in the lifestyle each time. After I found out she begged me to stay and went through some intense therapy. I figured I had 2 choices. I could leave and break up our family or I could look at it as being very hot and erotic. I chose to stay and I'm glad that I did but I have to admit I still think of the things she's done and it still bothers me at times.

From reading your post it appears your wife enjoys these hookups. She would most certainly hookup again if you were ok with it, maybe she would do it again even if you weren't. You'll have to search deep within yourself to come to the right answer. I wish you luck man, I know how it feels.

[Buitenman]

Each of us would handle the situation described different. That being said I would, in your situation, be livid.
There is hotwifing and then there is cheating. The difference, according to me, is consent and communication (others may have a different definition).
We are also human. We make a mistake sometimes. What you describe was no mistake. A mistake is a one time thing in a weak moment. Not something going on for years with multiple man.

If you can and want to get over that one is for you to decide.

[BrunetteLover]

Lots of red flags here. You don't need a hotwife website, you need counseling.

[4herpleasure89]

For some women, secret sex is more desirable than ethical hotwifing. In your wife’s situation you had expressed your interest in the latter and were clearly turned on by the infidelity as well. I have been there, though not to such an extent. I don’t feel we fully understand what’s going on here. She seems like she wanted to experiment with your mutual fantasy but was uncertain how you would handle it so she took your fantasy as a green light for the infidelity.

I don’t think divorce is your solution. But I do think you both need to come to an agreement that what she did was wrong and that the only way forward is 100% immediate transparency. And I wouldn’t sanction any extramarital activity until you both are on the same page.

[mrs_hotwifecplsa]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your wife is a serial liar and cheater, and she has no respect for you or your marriage. Of course she wants to continue the marriage because you're her meal ticket.. You pay for the expenses while she fucks other men behind your back. Someone needs to say it.

If you have kids and financial obligations so giving up the marriage really isn't an option, I suggest you get her to be honest with you. If she wants to be a little whore, tell her it's ok, that you like the idea, and she doesn't need to lie about it. You and her can make it into a game.

I hope it works out for you and you can find happiness.

[nevertoolate]

First let me concur with all of the disclaimers about why this site may a less than optimum forum for getting the kind of advice you may need. You wife had a series of affairs, she confessed for a reason, now what are you going to make of it?

Your story - fact or not - is pretty hot. There is a study by a sociologist named Alice Walker that surveys a fair cross sample of married women using Ashley Madison to cheat. Most of these women aren't looking to jump ship. Most need to experience sex in a taboo or naughty space to reach the intense orgasm they need to level out or in some cases stay sane. They may love their husbands very much. In a nutshell, your wife needs to cheat, perhaps, to turn her body loose.

Glad I ran into your comment. This adds an interesting layer to my late wife's motivations.

[Parsifal]

First let me concur with all of the disclaimers about why this site may a less than optimum forum for getting the kind of advice you may need. You wife had a series of affairs, she confessed for a reason, now what are you going to make of it?

Your story - fact or not - is pretty hot. There is a study by a sociologist named Alice Walker that surveys a fair cross sample of married women using Ashley Madison to cheat. Most of these women aren't looking to jump ship. Most need to experience sex in a taboo or naughty space to reach the intense orgasm they need to level out or in some cases stay sane. They may love their husbands very much. In a nutshell, your wife needs to cheat, perhaps, to turn her body loose.

Glad I ran into your comment. This adds an interesting layer to my late wife's motivations.

Thank you. There's another book I would commend on affairs more generally, by Esther Perel, a mentor of mine, called The State of Affairs. That book, and her more famous Mating in Captivity, both explore how overfamiliarity in what develops in long term couples relationships will suppress the sense of mystery that energizes erotic relations. With cozy, happy security in a marriage, eroticism often dies. Affairs are fraught with mystery, especially erotic mystery.

Hotwifing is a nice compromise that grants a wife's need for cozy security along with a place for her to experience sex in a space full of erotic mystery.

[nevertoolate]

Hotwifing is a nice compromise that grants a wife's need for cozy security along with a place for her to experience sex in a space full of erotic mystery.

I remain in awe of the ability of women to thrive in both the safe harbor of marriage, and easily cast lines and sail out into adventure filled, rougher seas. To be wanton, to be desired by others. The renewal of first love and lust, and still return home to her favorite cheerleader. Great things.