A virtual cuckold?

[newaussiecuck]

Would then see how the wife responds as the ball would then be in her court.

Hmmmm . . . . . just re-reading this part. I really do need to stop giving her all of the power over my life.


One last thing to mention of our last meeting. She left a little earlier and made a point to come over and say goodbye to me before leaving. However, after leaving she didn't go immediately to her car like she always does, but instead took her dog for a walk in the complete opposite direction. In the direction towards where I park my car! She had asked me the day before whether I walk there or drive and she asked where I park. I showed her the car park that I park in, and that was the general direction that she was heading, directly opposite from the direction where she parks. She ended up going to the middle of the field near the car park, where it would have been impossible to miss seeing her there out in the open if I headed to my car. Once I saw that, I left also and headed over there, thinking she may have been hoping I would follow so that we could chat more.

Unfortunately, another lady from the park had also seen her and went over to chat with her just as I was walking there. I hung back and waited a bit while they talked and then some others from the park came behind me and we all walked over to her. Thus I feel she might possibly have been trying to get me alone to talk and it got foiled. Or again it could be a coincidence and I'm just making things up in my head. It just seems too big of a coincidence that the day after confirming where I park my car that she headed in that direction for the first time ever. The coincidences do seem to be adding up, at least in my head they are.

Next time I see her I'll ask if she wants to take our dogs for a walk outside of the area to where maybe we could talk some more and be out of earshot and eyesight of everyone. I don't know when that will be though as the weather seems terrible for the foreseeable future and I have no way of contacting her.

[newaussiecuck]

An update on today's (yesterday evening) happenings. Wife is now suspicious AF that I'm going to that place every day with my dog, even when the weather is shit. I had a bit of an issue with my wife for going there today and she told me to just take my dog around here locally due to the bad weather. I went there anyway! Yes! I've finally grown some balls lol. The way I figure it is if I can't tell her what to do with her time then she can't tell me what to do with mine. Going to this place with my dog is probably the last enjoyment I have in life at the moment, and I'm talking about well before I ever saw the girl. Talking to real people (my only outlet for any form of general social interaction) and playing with lots of puppies helps take the stress away and lightens my mood everytime I go. I don't think it's right for her to try and take that away from me when she's adding nothing in return. It's not fair. So I've decided to dig my heels in and I won't be giving it up. Seeing the girl there now does just makes it even more enjoyable though! Also this is the best place to take her in bad weather as I can park nearby and not get stuck out in the rain like I do when walking near my home. Plus she stays dry and not soaked from wet grass.

Luckily I did go as I did see the girl today and we did take a walk. I found out the country her parents were from. It is precisely the one that I had in mind when I mentioned earlier that in some places such an age gap is pretty common. In fact, from what I understand of their culture our current age gap can often be seen as very much preferred from what I understand. I also understand from discussions years back with a friend from this country that it's also very common for men my age to leave their wives for girls of this age. Her family would not be shocked in regards to the age gap and my marital status. I must have gotten some form of seal of approval from big sister during that time she came to the park.

I told her that I had missed seeing her last few days and she repeated the same sentiment to me, that she missed me too. I remembered her name and said it to her but she had forgotten mine, but that's OK. It had been half a week and she'd only heard it the once.

It didn't feel the right time and location for making any moves or deep and meaningful conversations about our futures or my marital status etc. It was just nice to hang out a bit there and letting her feel safe with me is a big thing. It was getting dark and nobody was around for quite a distance in this place we walked to (her choice of location). I didn't want to spook or pressure her in any way with any deep conversations or making a move for any form of physical contact. I haven't so much as touched her hand or arm. She doesn't know me well enough for that and she didn't signal that it was wanted at least at that time. She wanted to take me there though and seemed to enjoy my company so that was more than enough for me.

I really don't know how I will be able to conceal actually feeling happy! I feel like I was conscious of constantly having to wipe the smile from my face last night.

No change in my wife's activities tonight though. Same as always so not showing any signs yet of thinking she should maybe change things. I'm still in bed alone at midnight.

I wouldn't be surprised though if my wife decides to come along tomorrow. It would be interesting and a small win given that I've been begging her to go there with me for 2 years now. It would be best if I could explain my situation before my wife shows up there with me but in some ways it could even increase my desirability in the girls eyes from what I understand of their culture. I know the girl wouldn't make it uncomfortable for me towards my wife, but hoping the wife doesn't put the girl off if my wife isn't serious about changing her ways. It would suck if she went there only once to fuck things up only to never go back and keep on doing what she's doing.
I think that's a likely scenario though.

If my wife wants me and is willing to drop all this shit she's doing and wants to spend time with me like we used to then I'll be happy and will work towards making things work out as I have always tried. But until/if she makes that decision then I think I have to consider myself as available. I'm still having tremendous difficulty with that thought. I don't think she will ever give up who she's talking to though, so I will have to push on and keep considering myself as available.

One thought that I have. If it does continue to progress with the girl and if/when I come to tell my wife that someone else is interested in me. I'm actually seriously worried about my physical safety! That's a scary thought to have of my wife, but I do have it. She once threatened (many many years ago) that if I ever did something with another woman she'd cut off my you know what. That's why I need to progress this slowly, tactfully and honestly as best I can, with both parties (girl and wife as I don't want to hurt either of them). She can be very scary with little to no provocation, I can only imagine the meltdown this would cause.

I'm actually seriously considering a conversation with my mother in law. Similar to what I had with my own mum. I do get on well with her and I think she will understand as she has seen my wife parked on the couch disinterested when she's come to visit. She's been on the receiving end of much of what I'm going through also.

[Whosbeensleeping]

You are vulnerable right now. I'm sure you can't hear this, but perhaps a little sober second thought might be called for?

[Chrislydi]

Agree that any little chink of light on the horizon can become magnified in your mind beyond the reality when everything else is so dark and negative. At the same time it's good to read of you having that chink of light for whatever it is, as it's something other than more of the same difficulties and problems.

As for talking to the mother-in-law I don't think that's a bad idea at all considering you get on and she's seen the evidence with your wife's attitude and standoffishness first hand, I might make the conversation centre around her daughter however and only maybe mention the other girl in passing, so something like her being a friendly face to talk to when walking the dog, not make too much of it.at this stage.

Chris

[newaussiecuck]

You are vulnerable right now. I'm sure you can't hear this, but perhaps a little sober second thought might be called for?

Yes I think vulnerable is probably an understatement. I'm acutely aware of it, caused by many different compounding reasons. Problem is this has been going on for 2 years now and something has to happen to make this madness stop. I just keep plodding along but nothing is getting better when I look at it objectively. I feel better at times but I think that's just that I've learned to cope with it better. Then things like the wedding come along and the prospect of having to go alone just slams it all in my face again.

This whole thing with the girl has knocked me completely off centre just now, I need time to process it all. I didn't sleep much last night and I'm pretty much shaking all day, it doesn't help that it's very cold here but there's a fair bit of nerve activity also as I weigh up many different options and trying to make sense of the current situation. Many mixed signals. I'm thankful that I haven't acted or tried to act on anything apart from being a gentleman and friend getting to know her a bit. She's shown interest and I've also signalled interest but haven't embarrassed myself in any way. If anything I've erred on the side of inaction which I think is a good way to handle it. IF anything happens and it quite possibly won't then I think it would be glacially slow.

[newaussiecuck]

Agree that any little chink of light on the horizon can become magnified in your mind beyond the reality when everything else is so dark and negative. At the same time it's good to read of you having that chink of light for whatever it is, as it's something other than more of the same difficulties and problems.

As for talking to the mother-in-law I don't think that's a bad idea at all considering you get on and she's seen the evidence with your wife's attitude and standoffishness first hand, I might make the conversation centre around her daughter however and only maybe mention the other girl in passing, so something like her being a friendly face to talk to when walking the dog, not make too much of it.at this stage.

Chris

Thanks Chris yes it has certainly helped to bolster my mood and give something nice to think about. It's also provided some extra incentive to stand my ground a bit more with the wife.

Yes best not to mention the girl to anyone just yet until things are maybe a little clearer. Yes I will have a chat with my mother in law next time I see her by myself.

I did see the girl again today and it was maybe a bit uneventful. She gave me a huge excited wave when she was walking towards the park when she saw me. I waved back (in front of everyone lol). I went to the gate to greet her and opened it for her (such a gentleman lol). It was nice to greet her etc.

It turned out that there was someone there that she knew. I don't feel like it was prearranged or anything, just an actual happenstance. I vaguely remember seeing him once before about 6 months back. He did greet me and said hello to me when I arrived (well before she arrived). She told me "He's a friend of the family" before leaving me to go speak to him for a bit. I think this was to say either one of two things: "Don't worry that I'll be speaking to this other guy a lot and not you" but mostly I think it was a subtle signal to to say "hang back and don't be too close to me today in front of the family friend". I did just that, deciding to err on the side of caution and not embarrass her or cause any difficulties.

Either way, I think that little comment did carry an underlying signal. If we are just purely platonic friends then there would be no need for that comment. She didn't say it to anyone else there for example.

We left maybe 10 minutes after he did. Interestingly she parked her car in my car park this time (first time - interesting) so we walked there together. The family friend still had his dog in the middle of the field that's close to the car park, so he would have seen us walking. She said "we'll take a short cut this time", meaning no going off to the place we went yesterday. As we approached our cars she said goodnight with a smile but it sort of signalled that I should just get in my car and go now. Which I did.

It's all totally understandable that she wouldn't want word getting around her circle of family and friends that she was getting too cosy with me.

[Whosbeensleeping]

You are vulnerable right now. I'm sure you can't hear this, but perhaps a little sober second thought might be called for?

Yes I think vulnerable is probably an understatement. I'm acutely aware of it, caused by many different compounding reasons. Problem is this has been going on for 2 years now and something has to happen to make this madness stop. I just keep plodding along but nothing is getting better when I look at it objectively. I feel better at times but I think that's just that I've learned to cope with it better. Then things like the wedding come along and the prospect of having to go alone just slams it all in my face again.

This whole thing with the girl has knocked me completely off centre just now, I need time to process it all. I didn't sleep much last night and I'm pretty much shaking all day, it doesn't help that it's very cold here but there's a fair bit of nerve activity also as I weigh up many different options and trying to make sense of the current situation. Many mixed signals. I'm thankful that I haven't acted or tried to act on anything apart from being a gentleman and friend getting to know her a bit. She's shown interest and I've also signalled interest but haven't embarrassed myself in any way. If anything I've erred on the side of inaction which I think is a good way to handle it. IF anything happens and it quite possibly won't then I think it would be glacially slow.

Sounds like you're really tapped out.
Might need to run this by a therapist, but I wondered what you thought of just talking to your wife for a "what's happening and where are we at" kind of conversation.
I mean if you both agree that the horse is dead, then that could be a good starting place. I feel like there's a cloak of denial hanging over things and keeping you two from discussing things frankly.
If you're able to discuss things, it might make life easier down the road, whichever way it turns.
You could say something like "I guess you've been checked out for quite a while now. I think I was in denial when you said that time you were done, and didn't want to think about it. I've felt kinda helpless and unsure what's going on lately, and I think we need to talk about where we're at. It seems like a kind of no man's land right now."
That's just a possible script.
Any thoughts?

All the best.

[newaussiecuck]

You are vulnerable right now. I'm sure you can't hear this, but perhaps a little sober second thought might be called for?

Yes I think vulnerable is probably an understatement. I'm acutely aware of it, caused by many different compounding reasons. Problem is this has been going on for 2 years now and something has to happen to make this madness stop. I just keep plodding along but nothing is getting better when I look at it objectively. I feel better at times but I think that's just that I've learned to cope with it better. Then things like the wedding come along and the prospect of having to go alone just slams it all in my face again.

This whole thing with the girl has knocked me completely off centre just now, I need time to process it all. I didn't sleep much last night and I'm pretty much shaking all day, it doesn't help that it's very cold here but there's a fair bit of nerve activity also as I weigh up many different options and trying to make sense of the current situation. Many mixed signals. I'm thankful that I haven't acted or tried to act on anything apart from being a gentleman and friend getting to know her a bit. She's shown interest and I've also signalled interest but haven't embarrassed myself in any way. If anything I've erred on the side of inaction which I think is a good way to handle it. IF anything happens and it quite possibly won't then I think it would be glacially slow.

Sounds like you're really tapped out.
Might need to run this by a therapist, but I wondered what you thought of just talking to your wife for a "what's happening and where are we at" kind of conversation.
I mean if you both agree that the horse is dead, then that could be a good starting place. I feel like there's a cloak of denial hanging over things and keeping you two from discussing things frankly.
If you're able to discuss things, it might make life easier down the road, whichever way it turns.
You could say something like "I guess you've been checked out for quite a while now. I think I was in denial when you said that time you were done, and didn't want to think about it. I've felt kinda helpless and unsure what's going on lately, and I think we need to talk about where we're at. It seems like a kind of no man's land right now."
That's just a possible script.
Any thoughts?

All the best.

Thanks for your thoughtful input, much appreciated. I do agree that conversation like you suggested would be the best approach. However I have tried many times in the past but it's failed. She's always busy on her computer and I can't talk with her when she's on there, which leaves little openings. I asked her to schedule a time when we can have a talk. She demanded that we have it right away. I started to apologise for not being there for her or some such thing, but before I could even get through a quarter of what I had to say she cut me off and just said "You just need to do more work around here" and ended the conversation. I do waaaaaaaaaay more than her, but decided to listen CAREFULLY to everything she wanted me to do. I worked tirelessly for 5 months doing every task and project she wanted, but in the end it got me nowhere. I started to feel like she was just keeping me occucpied so I wouldn't disturb her computer time.

Whenever I try and talk to her and get anywhere near having the kind of conversation we need, she goes into this really weird almost babbling type thing where she overtalks and half of it doesn't make sense. Just throwing out any line out to get me to stop talking about it. It's very weird and extremely uncomfortable for me so I'm very loath to repeat the experience.

However, IF anything ever progresses with the girl to a point where we might like to start dating or anything like that then yes I will definitely sit my wife down for a thorough chat BEFORE anything happens. I don't want to be the asshole two-timing my wife and hurting the girl if it all blows up. The girl obviously knows I'm married and seems pretty sensible and cautious and understanding etc. I have things to sort out before anything serious progresses with her and I will let her know that ahead of time.

The girl is definitely my type and I could genuinely see myself being happy with someone like her. My wife is Asian (different country) so dating an Asian girl isn't weird or novel to me or my family. My cousin was even married to someone from the same country as this girl, so I know my family would have zero problems accepting her if it ever did fall that way.

For now, I'm just getting to know her a little and she me and I truly don't know how much interest she does indeed have.

After 2 years of dealing with this crap, I do think things need to be brought to a head somehow and someway. They can't just keep going on like this. I see my wife's refusal to go away to the wedding with me as a declaration that her heart belongs to this person she's talking to online. At every opportunity she seems to choose this other person over me. From feigning a headache to rush back to her computer a couple of hours into what was supposed to be a full day trip to just outright refusing to go anywhere with me and even to the late nights each and everynight instead of coming to bed with me. The few times she does come to bed early (like last night) she's straight onto her phone, headphones on watching videos. Zero opportunity to talk or do anything.

To all intents and purposes it feels like she's done, but can get her cake and eat it too by having me around to care for her physical needs and provide for her, while her heart belongs to someone else. It's not fair and it needs to stop one way or another. So I'm growing a pair of balls, standing up and doing what I want and need and to hell with having her order me around anymore.

Maybe a new attitude of not taking her bullshit and her sensing that someone else might be in the picture might somehow give her the push she needs to realise she's losing me and she better change her ways to keep me. That might sound like I'm using this other girl as a pawn to get my wife to change, but I'm not. I'm genuinely interested in her.

[newaussiecuck]

Sounds like you're really tapped out.
Might need to run this by a therapist, but I wondered what you thought of just talking to your wife for a "what's happening and where are we at" kind of conversation.
I mean if you both agree that the horse is dead, then that could be a good starting place. I feel like there's a cloak of denial hanging over things and keeping you two from discussing things frankly.
If you're able to discuss things, it might make life easier down the road, whichever way it turns.
You could say something like "I guess you've been checked out for quite a while now. I think I was in denial when you said that time you were done, and didn't want to think about it. I've felt kinda helpless and unsure what's going on lately, and I think we need to talk about where we're at. It seems like a kind of no man's land right now."
That's just a possible script.
Any thoughts?

All the best.

Actually, just re-reading your post and my response I may have missed your point. My previous attempts at conversation were more revolving around an "I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong and lets try and fix things" type of approach. I now realise you may have been advocating for a different type of approach. An "Are we finished should we just focus on being friends" type of conversation which is a whole different type of conversation. Is this what you mean?

[Whosbeensleeping]

Sounds like you're really tapped out.
Might need to run this by a therapist, but I wondered what you thought of just talking to your wife for a "what's happening and where are we at" kind of conversation.
I mean if you both agree that the horse is dead, then that could be a good starting place. I feel like there's a cloak of denial hanging over things and keeping you two from discussing things frankly.
If you're able to discuss things, it might make life easier down the road, whichever way it turns.
You could say something like "I guess you've been checked out for quite a while now. I think I was in denial when you said that time you were done, and didn't want to think about it. I've felt kinda helpless and unsure what's going on lately, and I think we need to talk about where we're at. It seems like a kind of no man's land right now."
That's just a possible script.
Any thoughts?

All the best.

Actually, just re-reading your post and my response I may have missed your point. My previous attempts at conversation were more revolving around an "I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong and lets try and fix things" type of approach. I now realise you may have been advocating for a different type of approach. An "Are we finished should we just focus on being friends" type of conversation which is a whole different type of conversation. Is this what you mean?

Yes, that is generally what I mean. I guess I'm thinking of what you said about "are we finished...", maybe preceded by "we're stuck, what do we do?"

I guess you could say something like, "I don't know how we got to where we are, but it doesn't seem to be working. At least it's not working for me." Something like that would be the truth and also be standing up to her behaviour.

[newaussiecuck]

Yes, that is generally what I mean. I guess I'm thinking of what you said about "are we finished...", maybe preceded by "we're stuck, what do we do?"

I guess you could say something like, "I don't know how we got to where we are, but it doesn't seem to be working. At least it's not working for me." Something like that would be the truth and also be standing up to her behaviour.

Yes that does sound like it could be a good approach. I was also thinking of also being honest with my current feelings and saying something like "I don't know why or how I lost it but I don't feel like I have your heart anymore and I've been trying everything to get it back again but nothing seems to be working. It's not what I want, but I can't help but feel like I should start to look for someone else and I don't want to be feeling that way. What can we do so that I don't have to feel like this".

[newaussiecuck]

So I went to the park again and this time I didn't say anything when leaving I just got my keys and took the dog out, she didn't say anything either. Which is good I haven't been liking the "You're going to the park again??? Don't be long" type of comments.

I came back normal time and she seemed happy enough that I was home and wasn't any later without her comments. I just told her all about what our dog was doing there etc. The dog had a lot of fun there today.

The girl wasn't there today. She did say yesterday she was getting busy now with school (University) starting back up. I hope I didn't cause any issues with the family friend. I don't think I did, I behaved. Hmmmm I mean maybe there was a couple of things. There was that big happy wave in front of everyone back to her of course to respond to her big happy wave when she arrived and saw me, and then me walking from one end of the area and right past her family friend and then on all the way to the gate (in full view of everyone the entire time) to greet her when she arrived and then opening the gate for her all smiling and being all happy to see her etc etc. Apart from all of that, which all happened before she realised the family friend was there, there was also us then both leaving together (thinking he'd already gone) and walking together beside the field that he was standing in within full view the whole time all the way back to our cars. I don't think there was anything that could possibly have given it away. Smoooooooth! OK, we were so busted! lol Or maybe she was just busy or maybe losing interest or maybe thinking it's good to not make it an every day thing. Who knows. But as if you can't tell, I'm in a pretty good mood as I write this. Remembering all this from yesterday is making me smile and feel nice.

So onto some potential good news. After 7 months on the sidelines I finally have a good job prospect. I just got told today that I've been asked back for a second and final round interview. The role is a step backwards from the one I previously had, with less pay and the travel time will be very bad,and not to mention the fuel costs at current prices. They actually told me during the interview something like "We think you'll be absolutely perfect for us, exactly what we're looking for and more but we have real concerns that you might leave for somewhere closer after a few months due to the travel". So by getting the 2nd round interview means they've been able to overlook that concern. It also demonstrates how bad the travel will be. Oh well at least it's something and the people I'll be working with sound really nice.

I'm still waiting on results for interviews with 2 other companies that I did last week. Both of those two would pay a LOT more (even a fair bit more than my previous job) and will also be much closer with much less commute. Fingers crossed for one of these two, but beggars can't be choosers and I'd take the other one if offered.

If I get the job (especially the one with long commute) then my days going to the park will be over, or at least it will only be on weekends. I hope to see her at least once before I start work so I can let her know where I've disappeared to. I still don't have a way of contacting her if she doesn't come in that time. I'm sure she will come before then but I'll give someone a message to pass to her if I don't see her before then.

[Whosbeensleeping]

Good stuff! Hope the job situation works out to best case scenario!

[newaussiecuck]

I went to the park again and two days in a row now she hasn't come and the weather has been pretty great for winter. I hope she's OK etc and just busy.

Interestingly enough though her "family friend" was there again. I said hello to him soon after he came (same as I greet most people). Later I actually went over and sat down with him for a casual chat about his dog etc. I patted his dog, his mine etc. It was all very casual and good natured and I actually enjoyed the chat and much needed social interaction. At the end he mentioned that he had to go but asked my name and I his and he shook my hand etc etc. He's a nice guy. He did leave right after our chat. I do wonder if it was a complete coincidence that he was there. Maybe, maybe not. Either way I think I did well.

In regards to the wife she stayed up last night a little later than she usually has been, until 1:15am. Then tonight I was sitting on the lounge holding my dog while she slept and at around 11pm my wife told me to take her to bed (the dog I mean, and for me to go to bed). ie she didn't want me hanging around when chatting to her online lover. Fuck this is hard complicated shit. Prior to that comment I actually thought it was kinda ok as we laughed a little at a stupid show on the TV (from separate lounges though).

Sigh, I really do need to organise to see a councillor ASAP and perhaps even have a chat to a divorce lawyer for his opinion on what I would be up for in settlement. There's no kids involved for anyone who is wondering or concerned. I think I would likely lose my beloved dog out of it as she was originally my mother in laws dog. My wife has hardly paid her any attention this last 2 years though and she's my constant companion. So it would mainly be a loss of wife, finances and my beloved dog.

Does anyone happen to know what is the likely outcome for someone who didn't bring anything into the marriage, hardly worked and thus didn't contribute much financially and seems to be pretty much the sole cause of the demise through 2 years of neglect while carrying out an online affair? Would it still be a 50/50 split or would it be more favourable to me?

I don't mean to suggest that I'm going down this path, but might be good to do some background research.

I've decided that I will likely tell the girl (if she's even interested) that I want her to get to know me better, and I her for now. I don't think it would be wise at all to get into anything too heavy with her at this point in time, ie no sex or anything!!!! She's still very young and busy with study and work and I'll likely be starting a new job so let's just enjoy getting to know one another first and then maybe build on that with the view of perhaps something into the future if we actually like each other. I'll let her know that I also have much to sort out in the meantime.

Who knows, she might not even turn up again.

[newaussiecuck]

Went to the park again and again the girl wasn't there, so 3 days in a row now with good weather. So hasn't been back since when the "family friend was there".

Who knows why. Busy, sick with Covid that's going around a lot here ATM even though 95% are jabbed and I got fired for not having it as I was deemed to present a risk to others lol. I digress though.

Could be I miss read the signals but they seemed pretty clear to me. Maybe I moved too fast or not fast enough and she got bored or maybe she's staying home afraid of catching Covid. That's a real possibility given that she's come twice now while wearing a mask out in the open air.

Whatever the reason doesn't much matter I guess. Primary concern is for my wife and how we can ever possibly pull ourselves out of this mess we're in. It's terrifying how quickly I started having feelings for that girl. That shouldn't happen and never has before. I've been approached and propositioned many times before but it's always been easy to turn it down. Not so easy this time is a real worry.

Feeling a bit down at the moment. It was nice having something nice to look forward to and some hope for a while.

[gordon921]

Hi newaussiecuck,

not commented but have been reading your thread. As your mother said, your wife possibly needs a fright to get her out of this assume "emotional affair" fog.

It also looks like your struggling to engage with her.

Once you have worked out in your mind what you want to say to her, I would suggest you go into the room, sit down so you're both at the same level, look at her eye's if she does not make eye contact and say something like "xxxxx we really cannot keep on going like this, our marriage has collapsed and is non functional, we need to talk about what our future is..." Hopefully that'll provide the fright she needs to snap out of this fog.

[newaussiecuck]

Hi newaussiecuck,

not commented but have been reading your thread. As your mother said, your wife possibly needs a fright to get her out of this assume "emotional affair" fog.

It also looks like your struggling to engage with her.

Once you have worked out in your mind what you want to say to her, I would suggest you go into the room, sit down so you're both at the same level, look at her eye's if she does not make eye contact and say something like "xxxxx we really cannot keep on going like this, our marriage has collapsed and is non functional, we need to talk about what our future is..." Hopefully that'll provide the fright she needs to snap out of this fog.

Hi and thanks for commenting. Yes I've been going over in my mind what I need to say to her. Your suggestion is a good approach. I also like the approach from whosbeensleeping: "I don't know how we got to where we are, but it doesn't seem to be working. At least it's not working for me." and maybe following it up with something like "All this shit here (pointing to her computer setup) needs to end. Our marriage can't survive much longer like this. This here (again pointing to her computer setup) isn't normal. I can't keep living like this".

Basically, the nice approach I tried obviously hasn't worked so time to try some tough love.

To be honest I'm feeling like I'm pretty worn down by trying to hold everything together for 2 years and trying to fix things and doing whatever I can to save our marriage and not let it end.
I start to feel like just letting it all go and collapse.

Unfortunately I also start to feel like the woman I loved and married no longer exists. The woman I fell in love with was kind hearted (although strict in her own way but that was sometimes fun if you know what I mean), honest and always a pleasure to be around. Obviously whoever she's spent so much time talking to has been a really bad influence. The woman sitting there now is a proven liar, lazy and just bitter and nasty, and always looking for the negative in everything that I do. I can surprise her by making something unexpected and she'll just pick all the faults in how I did it rather than just enjoy that I did something unexpected. After our rare lunch outing with friends on the weekend I rushed ahead a little and opened the car door for her, just to show a little gesture you know? The only response I got was "You need to vacuum the car"!

I just finished a major project I've been working on for about the last month or so. I attached the last item to it following the instructions and we put it up. Instead of saying right away how good it looks she focused on that last item attached (which she didn't know existed until I told her and you can't see it anyway). She got up and started inspecting that tiny little piece and spent a few minutes talking about it and told me that it's in the wrong spot and I need to move it a millimeter! I said "I'll take a look later" and she raised her voice "I'm just telling you blah blah blah ".

So instead of making it a nice moment of congratulations on finishing the huge project and how good it looks it just became this deflating letdown.

Anyway the project is done now and does look great, which she did eventually say later.

I also feel a little better about the girl not being there. It could be many reasons really and doesn't have to mean anything. Come to think of it, even though the weather has been good there were a lot less people there last few days, so it wasn't just the girl that wasn't there. Someone suggested that maybe people are taking their dogs to the beach instead because of the good weather.

Thinking back on everything I'm pretty happy with the way I played it all so that's the main thing. I just missed talking to her is all, a breath of fresh air even if she's nothing more than a dog-park friend. Was just nice to have someone excited to see me. Maybe even she just needs her own space also to work out her own feelings or giving me space to work out mine. They say "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" so maybe she's giving me absence to make my heart grow fonder.

I'm sure she'll turn up again one day.

[gordon921]

Hi newaussiecuck,

well you unpacked a lot of stuff there to "have the conversation" with her, but you are possibly needing to be forceful at first to get her to pull her head out of the computer.

Maybe the girl not pitching up for a few days is a good thing, it was an escape for a little while, but could have got complex if it had progressed and then you wife pull her head out of her arse......, so maybe this is best to get you focused on you situation and sort it out one way or another.

[newaussiecuck]

Hi newaussiecuck,

well you unpacked a lot of stuff there to "have the conversation" with her, but you are possibly needing to be forceful at first to get her to pull her head out of the computer.

Maybe the girl not pitching up for a few days is a good thing, it was an escape for a little while, but could have got complex if it had progressed and then you wife pull her head out of her arse......, so maybe this is best to get you focused on you situation and sort it out one way or another.

Thanks, and yes I do agree it is probably a blessing in disguise. Who knows, maybe that's why she hasn't come, is smart enough to know that I needed time to sort out things within myself. Maybe she's also sorting out her own feelings. Hell, maybe even her family hasn't allowed her to come for a while, never know. Maybe I came on too strong and she wants to slow things down by not coming for a while, or I scared her off for good. I don't think I came on too strong though, like I didn't say or do anything inappropriate.

I had the perfect conversation to my wife last night, unfortunately though it was all in my head! After the park I had to pick up takeaway and she called just as I was leaving the place having a go at me for taking so long. The place was real busy and I had to wait quite a while. So after getting off the phone I kind of exploded in my head and told her everything I wanted to say and said it perfectly, I got it all off my chest. Unfortunately by the time I got home I'd calmed down and felt better for saying everything I needed to say (internally) and I didn't feel that burning need to say it anymore. Yes I know, weird.

She knows I'm pissed, she's seen me SO angry at her for staying up so late on her computer. She's now seen me go to the park every day for last few weeks and seems to be a little suspicious of it. However, no change to her computer use. I have to go and buy underwear and socks for her today, she won't go shopping with me anymore. I hate clothes shopping at the best of times, even when we're doing it together. It's an absolute torture having to buy her clothes on my own.

So yeah, I can agree that a lot of the problem is within myself in not being able to communicate what I need to communicate. I think it's from years of her attacking me so aggressively anytime I even suggest something she's doing isn't right or if I criticise her. In her own mind she's perfect and never does anything wrong. Anything that goes wrong is always my fault and anything that goes right is because she's so good. So she takes credit for all of my successes and I take the blame for all of my (and her) failures.

I just realised that is probably why she made such a big deal of that final detail at the completion of my project. It was her way of taking ownership over my success and that it's not perfect until she jumped in at the last minute and saved the day by "telling" me what to fix. It was a 2 minute fix and I was about to do it anyway as I noticed it as soon as I put it into place (it couldn't have been noticed until that time). So now the project is a success only because she made it a success with her brilliance. Forget about the more than 200 hours I put into over the last month or so.

[newaussiecuck]

The weather was really bad today, raining for most of it. I was out anyway with my dog in the car so dropped by at the usual time just to confirm she wasn't there. She wasn't but a couple of diehards were so we still went in for a bit.

I still think it's strange that after seeing me there for a few weeks and asking me how often I go and then turning up more often and then asking what time I go and then starting to come around that time and then getting my attention with those pretty obvious comments and being very happy to see me on her last visit when she arrived with that huge happy wave only to then stop showing up all of a sudden. Starting to think she either got sick (unlikely coincidence) or more likely something did happen at home as a result of the "friend of the family" being there that day I last saw her. Can't think of many other reasons. Odd to say the least. Maybe she'll turn up again one day but there won't be too many visits before I likely won't be able to go very often anymore.

I went to mother in law's today (alone) and was planning to have a good chat with her about our problems and basically give her a heads up that things aren't going so well. Unfortunately she had a friend visiting at the time so I didn't really get a chance to speak to her alone. Maybe next time.

Apart from that I've just been generally giving out major "I don't give a fuck what you say or do, do what you want, don't tell me what to do" kind of vibes all day. If being nice all the time (which is my genuine nature) isn't working then let's see how the other approach goes. She's kind of responded a little bit by trying to talk to me more, which to be honest I wasn't much in the mood for "Not giving a fuck what she says" and all.
I've really got to get through to her somehow that I'm beyond PISSED!!!!

She complained that I ate something at her mums and she didn't have any. I gave her both barrels and very frankly told her that she should have come and then she would have had some.

I just gave her something that she asked for and instead of just grabbing it as usual she motioned for me to give her a kiss. Maybe my new attitude is helping after all.

[newaussiecuck]

It's almost 1:30am and I'm laying in bed alone thinking about the girl from the park. Back at midnight wife said she's coming to bed soon.

[newaussiecuck]

After a week of turmoil and sleepless nights I've finally found centre again and have now worked out all of my emotions and how I feel about everything and ideally how I would like to proceed from here. I'm feeling calm and sure again and know what I need to do.

Which is a good thing, as a few hours after I finally settled on my plan of action and feeling calm and confident about everything I got a phone call that my elderly father is on the way to hospital in an ambulance after maybe having a stroke! He's 7 hours drive away and I don't even know if I would be allowed to see him if I did go right now. I also have the 2nd round job interview first thing in the morning.

What a strange period of time I'm living through.

So basically my plan of action is very simple and that is why I am so confident in it. Just be open and honest with everyone and let the chips fall where they may. I need to speak to the girl first, find out her feelings and tell her of my situation. IF I get signals that she still seems interested then I will let her know that I would like to proceed slowly with getting to know her. It's what's required culturally anyway and I will also let her know that I have a lot to work through with my wife and I honestly don't know where that will lead us.

I will then have a good calm honest talk with my wife and see where we stand. I will let her know that I can't keep living like this and that I love her but we either need to go back to how things were with just the two of us (ie she will need to give up her online thing) or if she can't then I will understand and love and support her but I will also need to start to slowly move on and look after my own interests, hopefully with her love and support. I will let her know that I won't be out dating every girl in town or banging hookers etc etc, but that there is someone really nice that I want to very slowly start to get to know better etc etc.

Anyway, something along those lines I think is about the best approach that I can think of. Hopefully it will have least chance of causing hurt to all involved, has the best chance of ending things peacefully and on good terms if it falls that way. The slow pace would give all involved a chance to work through their feelings etc without doing anything irreversible. Like if I've gone off and had sex with someone quickly then it might be very hard to bring the marriage back if that becomes desired after she sees me start to move on. Having gotten to know someone slowly hopefully with her blessing is less damaging.

Now that I have all of that sorted, my thoughts can be with my dad.

[Whosbeensleeping]

Sorry to hear about your father's health. And good much with your job interview.
Will send you a PM.

[Chrislydi]

You've always come across as a highly intelligent, thoughtful and caring person and it's why I think you'll find a way through this unfathomable maze. It looks as if you've settled on an approach you're happy with and can now temporarily put it aside and devote your thoughts to your dad and his and your family. I hope things take a turn for the better and they've treated the stroke early enough to minimise any longer term damage. All the very best for your job interview, you deserve some good news for once.

Chris

[newaussiecuck]

Firstly and most importantly I got some maybe good news in regards to my dad. Seems he has a chest infection and bleeding on the brain from a fall that nobody told me he had had. Maybe they didn't want to worry me with all that I'm going through. So fingers crossed he didn't have a stroke after all.

Even better I got to send him some photos of the big project that I had just completed and he said it looks great. It was so nice just to hear that from him.

I went to the park twice today before lunch and then later at normal time. The girl came today at the normal time. I got this far into my plan:

"IF I get signals that she still seems interested. . . " it fell down here when I saw her from about 50 meters away. I could tell instantly that my fears of the 5 day absence were confirmed. Something was up. No big happy wave and no happy face. Closer to the gate I waved a small wave and she gave a bit of a sad small wave back. I asked how she was and she said she's been busy and was coming at different times because of being busy. However the vibes given off told a different story and it kind of seemed like she was coming at different times to avoid me. She asked me how I've been and I had just enough time to say that I've been well before she walked away from me to a different part of the park. She didn't look at me or seemed to want to engage etc. Very very strange the change in attitude.

Near the end I thought this is ridiculous and walked right over and asked if I could pat her dog and she said of course. Seemed a little better and I just said I was worried I must have caused trouble with the friend of the family or something since she didn't come again after that. She said again that she's just been busy and also trying to avoid the larger crowds as she was feeling a little bit unwell and didn't want to pass anything on in case she had something.

I was able to tell her of my bad news about my dad, otherwise she might have thought my distraught nature was due to being upset about her or something. I really hope she didn't think that. My voice then became very emotional while telling her so at least she should realise I was genuinely upset about my dad.

She asked how old he is etc and wished all the best for him. But soon after she said that she will get going as she's got a bit to do.

So yeah, not really sure what to make of all that to be honest. I'll likely never know as it seems she wasn't being totally straight with me. I can totally understand not going due to being busy etc but then why the attitude when she arrived? It seems she's had a change of heart. Either I did something wrong or didn't do something that she was expecting (make a move, get contact details, ask her out etc) OR someone changed her heart for her (ie maybe parents).

Either way, unless there's some very clear signals given in future, then this was over before it began.