A virtual cuckold?

[gordon921]

Need some time to digest your answers, if it is an EA it's a strange one and I would have expected it to escalate by now.

[gordon921]

Hi newaussiecuck,

This is slightly confusing. You think she is having an emotional affair with someone and it's been going on for over 2 years. It is very uncommon for an EA not to progress to a PA in that time frame and can only think if she is having an EA then the other person must be far away for it not to become a PA. I would also have expected it to progress to voice calls and texting of intimate pictures etc, but you see nothing out of the ordinary with her bill. She is clearly up to something by the way she acts/reacts.

Think the only way you're going to find out is by challenging her when you're ready. I have replied to you PM.

[newaussiecuck]

Hi newaussiecuck,

This is slightly confusing. You think she is having an emotional affair with someone and it's been going on for over 2 years. It is very uncommon for an EA not to progress to a PA in that time frame and can only think if she is having an EA then the other person must be far away for it not to become a PA. I would also have expected it to progress to voice calls and texting of intimate pictures etc, but you see nothing out of the ordinary with her bill. She is clearly up to something by the way she acts/reacts.

Think the only way you're going to find out is by challenging her when you're ready. I have replied to you PM.

Yes it is very strange indeed which is why it's been particularly hard for me to pin down what's actually going on and how to deal with it.

The EA can't progress to PA due to location (separate countries among some other barriers). I suspect that is why she felt safe to begin this in the first place. An "It's only anonymous online so no harm done" kind of thing and likely why she's not taking any responsibility for the harm it's caused us. I honestly think she doesn't see what it's done to our relationship. Maybe now she's just starting to get some glimpses of it.

I know it's a real EA due to the way she changed attitudes about some key fundamental beliefs due to her time with this other person. Things we were very firmly on the same page about, she started changing her views on. This hurt the most probably as it showed me that she valued the opinions of this other person over me.

I also think it's part EA, partly just entertainment and partly just fantasy. The EA component was very real though but I do feel it's lessened a lot of late. The entertainment and fantasy part is still very much there though, but I don't know about the EA part. Could be she's just getting better at covering it up.

So I could see that along with typing a lot of "I love you" type messages they also had a sexting session yesterday. Very graphic and descriptive depictions of sexual acts typed out between them. This was very disappointing to see after a couple of weeks break and right after we had seemingly made some progress.

She got the carrot and stick approach last night. I was pretty upset about it all but after an hour of laying silently in bed (she came early) I relented and snuggled with her and tried to have sex but she told me her period had started and I got a hand job instead. I even mentioned a blow job (which I NEVER), maybe another time.

[gordon921]

Hope it goes better today. Got any plans to get her our the house and away from the computer this weekend. You could even propose leaving mobiles at home as you don't need them being together?

[newaussiecuck]

Hope it goes better today. Got any plans to get her our the house and away from the computer this weekend. You could even propose leaving mobiles at home as you don't need them being together?

Yes, she actually called me yesterday while I was at work to organise a trip out for today. She had found a garden estate to visit about 45 minutes away, and we could take our dog too. So we went there today. That all sounds great and it was, but it just didn't feel the same as before all this madness. I couldn't help but feel like she didn't really want to be there so much and was going there out of obligation. Maybe that wasn't the case but I just felt a bit that way.

For my own, and total honesty here as bad as it sounds but I couldn't help feeling like I wished I was taking park girl there. It's so bad and I don't know what's wrong with me but I couldn't help feeling that way. It's so bad, especially when I probably won't see her again. Sigh.

When we got back home she went straight for her computer and I went out shopping where I am now.

I don't know if it's possible or not but I can't shake the feeling that the girl I mentioned as park girl 2.0......... I wouldn't be totally shocked if she turned out to be park girl's older sister! When I met park girl's sister she had a face mask on so I wouldn't recognise her if I did see her. It's probably not her, but for some reason I just can't shake the feeling that she could be her. The likely age and height matches (order sister was taller) and when I spoke to park girl 2.0 she mentioned her sister looks after her dog while she's at work. I wondered why she mentioned that fact, seemed a little odd to me.

Anyway I'm going to hell for thinking about her so much when I should be trying to save my marriage. I don't know what is wrong with me.

[gordon921]

Today is done and dusted where you are, so how did the visit go and afterwards at home.

newaussiecuck, you need to forget park girl 1.0, 2.0 2.1 etc, and focus on saving you marriage. If you can't then when you divorce you can be proud you tried everything and then look for park girl 3.0...

But you have many conversations coming up with her, some will have to be brutal...

[newaussiecuck]

Today is done and dusted where you are, so how did the visit go and afterwards at home.

newaussiecuck, you need to forget park girl 1.0, 2.0 2.1 etc, and focus on saving you marriage. If you can't then when you divorce you can be proud you tried everything and then look for park girl 3.0...

But you have many conversations coming up with her, some will have to be brutal...

Yeah so the day out was finished when I last wrote. On the way there and back she was just watching current events type videos on her phone with her headphones on and just talking at me about it whenever she heard something she found interesting. No real conversation or flow of enjoyment of the day.

As soon as we got back she was on the computer pretty much until time to go to bed. She did come to bed very early with me, but again it was straight onto her phone with headphones on watching videos. No real talking.

This morning she's back on the computer while I take the dog to the park. I'll probably go out later to do some shopping so will be interesting to see if she comes or stays home.

Yes, I'm trying to forget about park girl and won't think or speak of her until / if I see her again. I can't promise what I'll do if/when I see her though. Last comments on it until/if I see her again:

Last night I went to the park and there was yet again a new person there I've never seen before which is strange as the weather was terrible and there was only 2 others apart from this new person (same as last week when park girl 2.0 showed up out of the blue). This lady was again from the same country with an accent this time, not born here. Her age would be about exactly what I would expect of park girl's mother. Not saying it was her, just it could very well have been.

So since I last saw her there was:

1. a visit from confirmed "family friend".
2. a visit from a new person who could have possibly been her sister (speculation not confirmed but physical size, age, country of origin, no accent and some of the questions asked and comments made were similar enough to all be a possible match for her sister.
3. Another mysterious visit from someone who could easily pass for her mother (she was stunningly attractive by the way). She mentioned "family" ie has kids and mentioned living in the same general location as park girl.

That was also after a confirmed visit from her sister (who wore face mask so I don't know what she looks like) the day that they came together. This was also the first time she really started flirting with me, right in front of her sister. There was also the mention of the day that her dad was supposed to take her dog there but he got lost and didn't turn up.

So it could all be coincidence, or I could have been vetted by friend of family, sister and mum. They were all exceptionally nice and I had really great vibes from all 3, if that is what was happening.

So that's the last I'll say on the matter until/if she shows up again. For now I'll try and focus on saving my marriage but I don't really know what else I can do that I haven't already. There was another sexting session with her online person on Friday making it 2 days in a row. I don't know at what point I stop trying to flog a dead horse and move onto something new if it becomes a possibility. For now though I just have to keep on keeping on.

[Whosbeensleeping]

Interesting.
I'm wondering if you wanted to articulate for us, since you clearly do know what's happening with your wife, why you don't tell her what you know? Might be a useful exercise to put it into words.
Just a thought.
Wishing you well.

[gordon921]

Hi newaussiecuck,
sorry but I am lost, no suggestions, you are going to be in the Groundhog Day scenario, until you confront.
You have this fixation with the park girl(s) whatever version, but if that progresses, your wife might be the one serving you with divorce papers and telling friends you had an affair that destroyed the marriage.
EA's are bad but she has not crossed the line to a PA, which for a lot of people is a red line, where you could divorce her on those grounds.
It's generally easier to recover from an EA than a PA.
I think you are in the situation that you have to confront now and sort one way or the other, waiting months... what difference would that make?
Sorry but you are between a rock and a hard place..
"If you are caught between a rock and a hard place, you are in a difficult situation where you have to choose between two equally unpleasant courses of action.

[newaussiecuck]

Interesting.
I'm wondering if you wanted to articulate for us, since you clearly do know what's happening with your wife, why you don't tell her what you know? Might be a useful exercise to put it into words.
Just a thought.
Wishing you well.

I've tried several times to sit her down for a discussion about exactly this. Each time she's shut me down and just said "You just need to do more around here" which was BS as I was already busting my gut on home projects.

I've tried to talk to her about what's going on with her online and she just shoots back "What I'm not allowed to have friends??????"

So basically whenever I try and talk to her she just evades and lies. Her honesty and trustworthiness were probably always her best traits but now that's gone.

Unfortunately I can't reveal to her exactly what I know, and I wish I never knew it in the first place.

[Whosbeensleeping]

The putting it back on you is a kind of gaslighting.
Who says you can't reveal what you know?
I was in a similar but less extreme situation once and I did reveal that I snooped in her email and found a folder of emails to another guy she'd been romantic with online.
It did end things with this woman but it was only roughly a one year relationship and I was glad it was over.
I considered it justified to snoop, as I was listening to my intuition.
I felt I had been pushed into it in order to get some clarity on what I was feeling.

[gordon921]

If you don't confront with what you know, not sure how you confront.

Honey you spend too much time on the laptop. Her newaussiecuck fuck off.

Versus

Honey you spend too much time on the laptop doing this, this, this, this is inappropriate and this is totally unacceptable. Her wtf.... and hopefully a full scale fight after that is what's needed, don't back down.

You don't let her shut you down just carry on.

[newaussiecuck]

I wrote a big long post in response to gordon yesterday just after my last post but lost it all when the site went down. I'll try and remember the gist of it and address the new comments at the same time.

I could reveal what I know, but it would end things instantly. I also won't reveal it without legal advice. I do take the message though about confronting her about it. I have much to ponder on this. There is plenty of ammunition to use just from observations about her computer use to conclude that it was an online relationship without revealing the details of what I know. The stuff with my surgery, the fact that we couldn't just spontaneously do something it had to be planned 3 days in advance for example. Online friends wouldn't care if she's out spending time with me, only an online lover would care about her being away.

In regards to park girl, until I hear or see otherwise I'm assuming that's over with before it even started. Maybe more to play out who knows but for now I'm putting that out of mind. I did hear she came on Sunday but she left just 10 minutes before I arrived. I was about 20 minutes later than usual and it was kind of getting a bit cold and windy already. One of her friends (who I only met once about 6 months ago and well before I ever saw park girl) did come about 10 minutes after I arrived so maybe. . . . .

In terms of what she would say to friends I don't have any of my own to worry about. I moved interstate to be with her 20 years ago and she saw to it that I never made any new friends. I've had lots of good work friends over the years but that's it, and I always lost touch after moving on to a new job. My family (especially mum) knows what I've been going through and I even told mum about park girl, in the end she said she'll support whatever I decide to do. In regards to her friends she hardly sees them anymore and I would never see them again if we split so nothing too much to worry about there. They also saw her lose her shit at me for simply dropping a fork last time we met up so they will likely understand my side anyway. Her mum is a tough one, but I think she would also understand my side being on the receiving end of much of my wife's rage etc against her. Just last year wife yelled at her and told her to cut her out of her mum's will. So yeah. Wife's mum also saw her stuck on her computer many times while visiting. She could sense something was wrong and even asked me about it once but I couldn't say much at that time. I wish I did.

My mum also commented during my recent visit that she had also seen this side of my wife when they came to stay for 3 weeks about 8 years ago. I guess they found it so uncomfortable that they never came back to visit since! They just said it was too far to drive, but I know it was because of my wife.

This also isn't the first time wife has completely disappeared from me. Few years ago things were going great and suddenly she withdrew completely, hardly spoke to me and was constantly head in phone reading things and watching videos. We went from almost daily sex to nothing for 6 months as an indication of how sudden and drastic the change was. This went on for about 6 months before she finally shared with me what has grabbed her attention so thoroughly. I similarly got engrossed in it and we spoke about it extensively for the next year or so until once again she completely disappeared when she started this online emotional affair.

It was horrible to go through it twice and I can only assume it'll be a matter of time before it happens again.

After all this, I've seen a really ugly and horrible side of her and it's really affecting how I feel about her. I'll try, and maybe I can get past it but right now I'm just not feeling it. For her part, she's making all appearances of doing the right thing when I'm home. Computer has mostly been off. However it is on during the day. I guess it's manageable right now while I'm at work all the time but I won't be working for the rest of my life and I have serious concerns about what will happen when I finish work again at some point.

[newaussiecuck]

One last thing I wanted to mention. My new workplace offers 5 free counselling sessions that are supposedly confidential. I'm considering giving them a call for a chat. Not sure, since I'm so new here.

When I got home last night I was again in a really awful down mood. After walking the dog I blasted out 5 laps around the sports oval working up a huge sweat and that really improved my mood when I got home again.

[Whosbeensleeping]

Great idea to get in some exercise.
Doesn't hurt at all to make use of counseling services. That's what they are there for, after all. If you don't, you're only benefiting the employer.

[newaussiecuck]

Great idea to get in some exercise.
Doesn't hurt at all to make use of counseling services. That's what they are there for, after all. If you don't, you're only benefiting the employer.

Yes the exercise really helps when I'm having a particularly rough time. It's my goto and much more effective than hitting the booze like most people would.

I will likely give the counselling service a call tomorrow.

[newaussiecuck]

EA's are bad but she has not crossed the line to a PA, which for a lot of people is a red line, where you could divorce her on those grounds.

I was just pondering this one. I totally agree but I truly believe the only reason it didn't was because of the physical distance. End of 2020 and most of 2021, she was so far gone I'm sure she would have in a heartbeat if it was physically possible. I didn't exist to her for most of that period.

There is no fault divorce here, so no grounds required for divorce as far as I know.

[gordon921]

EA's are bad but she has not crossed the line to a PA, which for a lot of people is a red line, where you could divorce her on those grounds.

I was just pondering this one. I totally agree but I truly believe the only reason it didn't was because of the physical distance. End of 2020 and most of 2021, she was so far gone I'm sure she would have in a heartbeat if it was physically possible. I didn't exist to her for most of that period.

There is no fault divorce here, so no grounds required for divorce as far as I know.

It's a hard one, basically you have three options I think...

1. Do nothing and carry on as is, maybe things will change, maybe not, you won't be happy, she may eventually divorce you.

2. Confront, possibly get some legal advise on what you can use or not use in that confrontation. Remember do not threaten anything you are not 100% sure of carrying out, so if you threaten separation/divorce you must be 100% prepared to follow that route.

3. Just divorce her, maybe the papers will be the shock to get her out of the fog. Remember you can always stop a divorce. So if she comes out of the fog, you can say, you have a lot of work repairing the damage you have done, I will pause the divorce for x months and make a decision then.

[newaussiecuck]

EA's are bad but she has not crossed the line to a PA, which for a lot of people is a red line, where you could divorce her on those grounds.

I was just pondering this one. I totally agree but I truly believe the only reason it didn't was because of the physical distance. End of 2020 and most of 2021, she was so far gone I'm sure she would have in a heartbeat if it was physically possible. I didn't exist to her for most of that period.

There is no fault divorce here, so no grounds required for divorce as far as I know.

It's a hard one, basically you have three options I think...

1. Do nothing and carry on as is, maybe things will change, maybe not, you won't be happy, she may eventually divorce you.

2. Confront, possibly get some legal advise on what you can use or not use in that confrontation. Remember do not threaten anything you are not 100% sure of carrying out, so if you threaten separation/divorce you must be 100% prepared to follow that route.

3. Just divorce her, maybe the papers will be the shock to get her out of the fog. Remember you can always stop a divorce. So if she comes out of the fog, you can say, you have a lot of work repairing the damage you have done, I will pause the divorce for x months and make a decision then.

I guess it's fair to say that she has already gotten that much needed shock of thinking she was losing me and has mostly pulled her head out her ass and there's already been big changes already (as far as what she's doing when I'm around)!. What she's doing when I'm not around however is a different matter.

So for the changes, she's now having computer off each night and sitting on the lounge with me and coming to bed early with me. So it seems she's gotten the message somewhat. However, it's all a bit uncomfortable in that I don't really remember how to have a relationship with her. We only talk about what she's heard on the news videos she watches. I feel it's such a big instant change that it hardly feels real, like she's just doing it because I put my foot down rather than that is what she wants to do.

To be honest I struggle with thinking of what it is that I need from her to be able to move on. Maybe this is just a good start and we just need time to see if this pattern continues. I don't want to feel too hopeful in case she slips back again and I end up hurt again.

Will call that counsellor today. Not sure how soon I'll be able to speak to someone.

[Long Lurker 34]

EA's are bad but she has not crossed the line to a PA, which for a lot of people is a red line, where you could divorce her on those grounds.

I was just pondering this one. I totally agree but I truly believe the only reason it didn't was because of the physical distance. End of 2020 and most of 2021, she was so far gone I'm sure she would have in a heartbeat if it was physically possible. I didn't exist to her for most of that period.

There is no fault divorce here, so no grounds required for divorce as far as I know.

It's a hard one, basically you have three options I think...

1. Do nothing and carry on as is, maybe things will change, maybe not, you won't be happy, she may eventually divorce you.

2. Confront, possibly get some legal advise on what you can use or not use in that confrontation. Remember do not threaten anything you are not 100% sure of carrying out, so if you threaten separation/divorce you must be 100% prepared to follow that route.

3. Just divorce her, maybe the papers will be the shock to get her out of the fog. Remember you can always stop a divorce. So if she comes out of the fog, you can say, you have a lot of work repairing the damage you have done, I will pause the divorce for x months and make a decision then.

I guess it's fair to say that she has already gotten that much needed shock of thinking she was losing me and has mostly pulled her head out her ass and there's already been big changes already (as far as what she's doing when I'm around)!. What she's doing when I'm not around however is a different matter.

So for the changes, she's now having computer off each night and sitting on the lounge with me and coming to bed early with me. So it seems she's gotten the message somewhat. However, it's all a bit uncomfortable in that I don't really remember how to have a relationship with her. We only talk about what she's heard on the news videos she watches. I feel it's such a big instant change that it hardly feels real, like she's just doing it because I put my foot down rather than that is what she wants to do.

To be honest I struggle with thinking of what it is that I need from her to be able to move on. Maybe this is just a good start and we just need time to see if this pattern continues. I don't want to feel too hopeful in case she slips back again and I end up hurt again.

Will call that counsellor today. Not sure how soon I'll be able to speak to someone.

NAC - Might I suggest, as she is at least turning off the "box" earlier, hopefully she also eating dinner with you too. If so perhaps a simple after dinner walk. You know noticing things that have changed or things you like or dislike. Little attempts at conversation and finding commonalities and of course also means less screen time for her, so double bonus.

[newaussiecuck]

NAC - Might I suggest, as she is at least turning off the "box" earlier, hopefully she also eating dinner with you too. If so perhaps a simple after dinner walk. You know noticing things that have changed or things you like or dislike. Little attempts at conversation and finding commonalities and of course also means less screen time for her, so double bonus.

Thanks for the suggestion it's still winter here so after dinner stroll wouldn't work (cold and dark) but yes I do get the sentiment. Yes we're eating dinner together (actually we always were, even before, but she would immediately get up to go back to her computer afterwards) but now she's been staying on the lounge with me these last few days. In fairness it would seem that we both don't know what to do with ourselves.

I'm not so good at sudden changes and I'd gotten so used to how we've been living these last 2 years that I just don't know how to go back to how we used to be like. Probably will just take time I guess but I do wonder how much time she's willing to give it. She probably wishes she could just be back on the computer.

For my part I'm not feeling for her at the moment what I used to feel, so this is all not feeling too natural if that makes sense. I'm all clammed up at the moment and just don't know how to talk to her and for her part she's just filling the silence by talking at me with things she's heard on her videos so I don't feel much space to be able to start a conversation. Just sitting or laying together in silence would be more natural for me, just to get used to being in each others presence again.

Sorry, but it's all just feeling really weird to me at the moment.

[newaussiecuck]

I called the workplace counselling line today and have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I'm scheduled to work from home tomorrow though so that's not an ideal time. I will either still come into the office so I can be away from home or I will just say screw it and so what if she overhears me needing counselling for all the crap she's put me through. Might be for the better anyway.

I'm glad I can speak to someone before this weekend so I can sort some things out beforehand (especially if I do happen to run into park girl, sorry but I can't get her out of my mind. Just seeing her first name on an unrelated work email today set my train of thoughts racing off). Mind you I think the scheduled appointment will only be enough to be able to state everything that's gone on without having any time to actually resolve. It's a long list of things that's going on.

[Chrislydi]

I called the workplace counselling line today and have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow. I'm scheduled to work from home tomorrow though so that's not an ideal time. I will either still come into the office so I can be away from home or I will just say screw it and so what if she overhears me needing counselling for all the crap she's put me through. Might be for the better anyway.

I'm glad I can speak to someone before this weekend so I can sort some things out beforehand (especially if I do happen to run into park girl, sorry but I can't get her out of my mind. Just seeing her first name on an unrelated work email today set my train of thoughts racing off). Mind you I think the scheduled appointment will only be enough to be able to state everything that's gone on without having any time to actually resolve. It's a long list of things that's going on.

That's a positive step NAC, it's little wonder you're feeling the strangeness and unfamiliarity of an attempted return to what may have once been 'normal' marital relations and interactions. What you've been through has been deeply traumatic and lengthy, perhaps there are even elements that can be related to a mild case of post traumatic stress disorder as you try to search for a former way, rediscover a life you once had but can't now quite connect with.

Best of luck

Chris

[Long Lurker 34]

NAC - Might I suggest, as she is at least turning off the "box" earlier, hopefully she also eating dinner with you too. If so perhaps a simple after dinner walk. You know noticing things that have changed or things you like or dislike. Little attempts at conversation and finding commonalities and of course also means less screen time for her, so double bonus.

Thanks for the suggestion it's still winter here so after dinner stroll wouldn't work (cold and dark) but yes I do get the sentiment. Yes we're eating dinner together (actually we always were, even before, but she would immediately get up to go back to her computer afterwards) but now she's been staying on the lounge with me these last few days. In fairness it would seem that we both don't know what to do with ourselves.

I'm not so good at sudden changes and I'd gotten so used to how we've been living these last 2 years that I just don't know how to go back to how we used to be like. Probably will just take time I guess but I do wonder how much time she's willing to give it. She probably wishes she could just be back on the computer.

For my part I'm not feeling for her at the moment what I used to feel, so this is all not feeling too natural if that makes sense. I'm all clammed up at the moment and just don't know how to talk to her and for her part she's just filling the silence by talking at me with things she's heard on her videos so I don't feel much space to be able to start a conversation. Just sitting or laying together in silence would be more natural for me, just to get used to being in each others presence again.

Sorry, but it's all just feeling really weird to me at the moment.

AC - I get it. Had something quite jolting happen at a work place (not a sexual thing) after close to 20 years. Was never the same and happy to be retired now.
Hang in there mentally for your own sake.

[newaussiecuck]

I had the counselling session today (by phone). It went OK and I'll try and write more tomorrow. In a nutshell he recommends I suggest to my wife that we attend marriage counselling. He also suggested I think about what my boundaries are. In that if she refuses counselling then what are my next steps?

I'll ponder this some more overnight (short on time now) and will try and write some more tomorrow.