Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[Dream Weaver]

I know posting here is probably therapeutic in its own way, but a professional is really the way to go. You have told us a lot, but the sexual nature of the forum and the lack of true personal contact inhibits less obvious problems you both might have. It’s very easy for us to make judgements, but you need real solutions.

[drstrangelove]

yeah, that reminds me of another thread on here... giving it all to him and not to you.. That's not the act of a lover that's the act of a vindictive bitch. It still sounds like she's trying to make herself out to be the victim and you the aggressor (damn Russia creeping in on me) instead of accepting that it's all her fault. I still wonder more about her past sex life and the reality of what she did. I honestly don't believe that the things she's said about him being the best she's ever been with, the biggest, or recently tiny are true at all. I think he's probably just average and she just gets off on cheating on you, no matter how much she says that it caused her to drink from the stress of hiding it. If it really was that big of an issue, you would've noticed more.. or at least you'd think you would. It definitely does explain a little of her violent mood swings though. I wonder if she could also be pre-menopausal at this point.. I know my sister is going through it and she's only 39... could be part of why her hormones/mental capabilities are out of whack and why she was willing to risk it now.

I still would not be surprised to hear that she's cheated in the past, whether on you or past boyfriends and it's a thrill that she loves, I mean the comment about getting over him in a few months.. how does she know how long that'd take if she hasn't done it before? My opinion, pay attention to the details and find the slivers of truth hidden in all the bullshit.

So I have arrived at a place where I believe most of what she’s saying about the affair. You’re right though that I have no way of knowing if it was the first time. I think we hit a brief patch on parts of Thursday and Friday where she did start to blame me for things, but that entirely passed yesterday. She now seems willing to take full responsibility, but we’ll see what happens in therapy.

From a sexual perspective, she was very open sexually when we met and has become very open sexually again over the last three months. So through that lens, her not having an affair all these years does line up. Doesn’t make it true at all though.

I do think the affair was collectively the best sexual experience of her life. It’s the first time she ever understood how significant mentally connecting to a sex situation is. She’s never understood my kinks because to her she only understood sex as a physical act and focused on how it feels. For me, the enjoyment from sex is mostly how I’m thinking about the situation. Well, with her affair, it was the taboo of it all. The free-spirited list that consumed her. Her trips to blow him after work seem bizarre on the surface because she was taking 90 minutes or so out of her day to meet a man in a car and swallow his load—it’s against everything she’s ever been. But for her, the thrill of doing it, in public, was intoxicating in a way she never felt before.

[drstrangelove]

Big update.

We spent last night largely digging into sex from 7:30-10. I had her finish telling me the full details of her sexlife with him, principally the second meet up at the hotel (Feb. 24). There was a lot of buildup to it because most of their sexting leading up was all about the things they wanted to do to each other. After the first meetup, where they had sex for three hours, she went in looking to push lots of boundaries. She brought a scarf with her to bound him and blind him to take some control. She requested he bring his handcuffs, and he bound her hands and fucked her in prone position. He asked for anal and she accepted. They fucked in every position over four hours, and again when they woke up.

She was describing a woman I hadn’t seen in at least 15 years.

We also talked about our sex life and I did my best to genuinely explain my various kinks to her—we read through some of this thread—but ultimately what we found is my kinks were largely just me trying to work with what she was giving me. She didn’t like penetration, so I revolved our sex life around giving her oral. At one point she didn’t want sex at all, and I developed a kink of enjoying being denied sex. She didn’t like swallowing too, so recently I began to find significant eroticism in getting a HJ and cuming on myself to save her the trouble of clean up. I realize so much of my kinks were related to wanting our sex life to be fun for me and using what I had to work with.

And for her, by me feeding into her preferences, she found herself with a husband who she didn’t see up for sexual adventure when she got to a point in her life where she wanted to rediscover her sexuality. It’s not my fault, it’s hers, but the perspective helps.

So then we went upstairs. Lying in bed, I looked to her and said “let’s fuck.”

She looked concerned, wondering where that came from. She commented that she found it really hot that I said it, but didn’t want to fuck with my head considering what a basket case I was on Friday and early morning on Saturday.

I thought about it and felt like I was largely content now with the details/truth of her affair—and I’ll have to work through it in time—but I wanted to see what kind of connection we had. I also wanted to lighten up the horrible mood—to laugh again instead of cry.

So we did it. We had rough, passionate sex. I started doggy until she came. Then I went to lazy doggy briefly before she rolled on top and road me to another orgasm. I pulled out and came on her ass/back. It was an intense 15 minute session and we both enjoyed it.

Then we got back into bed and I sat there with this feeling that we had more to explore. I joked and said we have a long way to go before we get to four hours. She put her hand on my dick and rubbed it and asked if I wanted to go again. So we did.

She started with a HJ and me rubbing her clit and developed to a really intense BJ and focus on my balls. We then moved to edge of bed and she road me a bit as I sat off bed—I picked her up and fucked her standing too.

I then threw her back down and fucked her missionary, legs up. She was screaming to go harder and deeper and I slammed into her until she had a massive orgasm.

We then transitioned into reverse cowgirl for a bit, which felt incredible. After 5-10 minutes, she was soaked with sweat and ready to collapse, so I rolled her off and fucked her doggy for a bit.

I began to work my thumb into her asshole and told her where my big dick was going next. She pleaded for me to go slow and I covered her in lube. After about five minutes, I popped the head of my dick into her ass. I began working it in deeper and she began to struggle. I could tell the pain was intense and she just was doing all she could to handle it. She wanted me to cum, but I wanted her to feel like a used slut, knowing that’s what she may really want.

I kept asking her to tell me where my dick was and she’d respond: “it’s in my ass babe.”

I kept telling her how she was a good girl for taking my dick up there. I went harder and it got too much and I felt like I was genuinely hurting her. I pulled out and we cleaned up (her ass bled a bit, so I felt bad).

Then back into bed and she needed five minutes to collect herself. From there, we jumped into 69 for more than 10 minutes. Then we went to doggystle for another 10 minutes and I finished by cuming on her back.

It was intense and now after midnight. My wife and I haven’t sex like that since college probably.

I slept for a bit, but I woke up with my mind racing at 5 or so. Trying to process everything.

I’ve come to a place where I think I’m ready to explore my sexuality more too—regardless if it works out with my wife. I spent my marriage ignoring a healthy sex life and posting on this forum (or at various times, having cyber sex with girls online). I don’t want to keep living like that. I want to be happy and free to explore sex positively in all directions with a partner. I still hope that person is my current wife, but last night was a big step in seeing where I want my future to be.

[avid fan]

The 'targetted cruelty' points you made could be taken as that in isolation, but it seems more a taboo pushing of boundaries to me, which shouldn't be new to many on here.

I'd suggest that once she cheated, these felt like relatively minor indiscretions given the damage was effectively done (and she didn't think it would actually hurt you given you're oblivious)....and could have been a turnon for her given the power trip/humiliation aspect.

This is obviously way bigger than any cuck fantasy, but on the offchance you're able to work things out then they're the elements that could fuel cuck pillow talk for years.

[Chrislydi]

So I have arrived at a place where I believe most of what she’s saying about the affair. You’re right though that I have no way of knowing if it was the first time. I think we hit a brief patch on parts of Thursday and Friday where she did start to blame me for things, but that entirely passed yesterday. She now seems willing to take full responsibility, but we’ll see what happens in therapy.

From a sexual perspective, she was very open sexually when we met and has become very open sexually again over the last three months. So through that lens, her not having an affair all these years does line up. Doesn’t make it true at all though.

I do think the affair was collectively the best sexual experience of her life. It’s the first time she ever understood how significant mentally connecting to a sex situation is. She’s never understood my kinks because to her she only understood sex as a physical act and focused on how it feels. For me, the enjoyment from sex is mostly how I’m thinking about the situation. Well, with her affair, it was the taboo of it all. The free-spirited list that consumed her. Her trips to blow him after work seem bizarre on the surface because she was taking 90 minutes or so out of her day to meet a man in a car and swallow his load—it’s against everything she’s ever been. But for her, the thrill of doing it, in public, was intoxicating in a way she never felt before.

I know you're still struggling mentally while trying to find a basis for which you can start to build trust in her again. This reappraisal of events, approaching it from how she may have seen things, has to be a very positive step, It looks as though you are getting into a position were a therapist may be of some use, even if there is a long road ahead to recovery. You've been so candid and open with your feelings that each time a further revelation undermined them, I think my heart has broke a little too. Whatever fragile faith and trust there is left can be built upon, you deserve a good future for your children.and hopefully you will both find a way back to mend the damage done.

[Rogueuser1]

Wow just getting caught up --- thanks for being so open an honest. It sounds like she has FINALLY hit rock bottom and is ready to come back up to the light. Glad to hear that you were able to fuck her in the ass --- I imagine that was a healing experience for you even if it did hurt her a bit, it was nice that she did that for you.
I have to say you are handling this really well and taking it slowly and methodically as well as being very open about what you want the outcome to be. It's easy in a situation like this to say "burn the b*tch" and go full scorched Earth and you would definitely be justified in doing that but I think what you are doing is much better for both you and your wife and especially for your kids (who will hopefully never have any idea about any of this!).

[drstrangelove]

The 'targetted cruelty' points you made could be taken as that in isolation, but it seems more a taboo pushing of boundaries to me, which shouldn't be new to many on here.

I'd suggest that once she cheated, these felt like relatively minor indiscretions given the damage was effectively done (and she didn't think it would actually hurt you given you're oblivious)....and could have been a turnon for her given the power trip/humiliation aspect.

This is obviously way bigger than any cuck fantasy, but on the offchance you're able to work things out then they're the elements that could fuel cuck pillow talk for years.

I don’t know that you’re wrong, I just know I couldn’t have done those things to her. That doesn’t mean she’s a bad person and I’m good, but it does seem to mean that I loved her more than she loved me.

As recently as Monday (March 14), she was texting him at night next to me on the couch, planning to meet again in the city in his car on Thursday (March 17). She also asked to meet him at a hotel again, but they hadn’t locked in a date.

I think she might have just been done with me—at least that’s where she was willing to go. I do believe her when she says she is re-establishing a connection with me this week she didn’t think was possible. She thought I would just walk away, but instead I’ve sat with her virtually every minute of the day all week talking.

Still, regardless of her reaffirmed feelings for me, I can’t expect her feelings for the guy have just vanished. Earlier this week, she was actively planning to keep fucking him. Even worse, I expect that after she went to bed on Tuesday night, after selling me on an absurd lie about this only being a kiss between co-workers on Dec., I know two days later she would have been blowing him in his car again.

So as we get through this revelation, it’s only natural that she’ll have to wrestle with a lack of closure from her relationship. The more she talks, the more I realized how consumed she was—she was texting him constantly on weekdays—he was a dominant aspect of her life. How will she deal with it in a week or two when those old urges come back?

As for the cuck angle, I felt some of those old feelings during sex last night. We were essentially having the exact same wild sex she had described with him. So fucking her felt like I was trying to force her to cum and make her helpless to being such a complete whore. So I think you’re right, once we both get past the pain, we might be able to use this to strengthen our sexual bonds. I just have to figure out how to forgive her for all the non-physical stuff so I can respect her again as a person. She was cruel to me, the person who thought loved her, and she was so unwavering in her acceptance to punish our children with her selfishness.

Those are deep issues for me, but I also want to see if there is a way to develop a new relationship with her—I want to see from her the thing that makes this relationship worth saving.

[drstrangelove]

So I have arrived at a place where I believe most of what she’s saying about the affair. You’re right though that I have no way of knowing if it was the first time. I think we hit a brief patch on parts of Thursday and Friday where she did start to blame me for things, but that entirely passed yesterday. She now seems willing to take full responsibility, but we’ll see what happens in therapy.

From a sexual perspective, she was very open sexually when we met and has become very open sexually again over the last three months. So through that lens, her not having an affair all these years does line up. Doesn’t make it true at all though.

I do think the affair was collectively the best sexual experience of her life. It’s the first time she ever understood how significant mentally connecting to a sex situation is. She’s never understood my kinks because to her she only understood sex as a physical act and focused on how it feels. For me, the enjoyment from sex is mostly how I’m thinking about the situation. Well, with her affair, it was the taboo of it all. The free-spirited list that consumed her. Her trips to blow him after work seem bizarre on the surface because she was taking 90 minutes or so out of her day to meet a man in a car and swallow his load—it’s against everything she’s ever been. But for her, the thrill of doing it, in public, was intoxicating in a way she never felt before.

I know you're still struggling mentally while trying to find a basis for which you can start to build trust in her again. This reappraisal of events, approaching it from how she may have seen things, has to be a very positive step, It looks as though you are getting into a position were a therapist may be of some use, even if there is a long road ahead to recovery. You've been so candid and open with your feelings that each time a further revelation undermined them, I think my heart has broke a little too. Whatever fragile faith and trust there is left can be built upon, you deserve a good future for your children.and hopefully you will both find a way back to mend the damage done.

Thank you for that message. And you’re right—that’s exactly how I’m treating these talks: I’m preparing for the therapist appointment on Tuesday. I want to cover this ground beforehand so I can have more refined thoughts in the office rather than trying to react in the moment. I want to know what I’m trying to resolve while I’m there.

[drstrangelove]

Wow just getting caught up --- thanks for being so open an honest. It sounds like she has FINALLY hit rock bottom and is ready to come back up to the light. Glad to hear that you were able to fuck her in the ass --- I imagine that was a healing experience for you even if it did hurt her a bit, it was nice that she did that for you.
I have to say you are handling this really well and taking it slowly and methodically as well as being very open about what you want the outcome to be. It's easy in a situation like this to say "burn the b*tch" and go full scorched Earth and you would definitely be justified in doing that but I think what you are doing is much better for both you and your wife and especially for your kids (who will hopefully never have any idea about any of this!).

Yea, the sex last night was incredible. And that time in her ass not only felt amazing, but it felt like she wasn’t doing it out of guilt, but genuinely trying to open up with me sexually.

It was a great opportunity for her to demonstrate her commitment to building something with me. It was also a mini-vacation from all this pain. For two ours we fell into complete carnal pleasure and just enjoyed each other.

[drstrangelove]

yeah, that reminds me of another thread on here... giving it all to him and not to you.. That's not the act of a lover that's the act of a vindictive bitch. It still sounds like she's trying to make herself out to be the victim and you the aggressor (damn Russia creeping in on me) instead of accepting that it's all her fault. I still wonder more about her past sex life and the reality of what she did. I honestly don't believe that the things she's said about him being the best she's ever been with, the biggest, or recently tiny are true at all. I think he's probably just average and she just gets off on cheating on you, no matter how much she says that it caused her to drink from the stress of hiding it. If it really was that big of an issue, you would've noticed more.. or at least you'd think you would. It definitely does explain a little of her violent mood swings though. I wonder if she could also be pre-menopausal at this point.. I know my sister is going through it and she's only 39... could be part of why her hormones/mental capabilities are out of whack and why she was willing to risk it now.

I still would not be surprised to hear that she's cheated in the past, whether on you or past boyfriends and it's a thrill that she loves, I mean the comment about getting over him in a few months.. how does she know how long that'd take if she hasn't done it before? My opinion, pay attention to the details and find the slivers of truth hidden in all the bullshit.

I don’t think she’s playing a victim at all anymore. She is telling me how she felt like a victim at times, but recognizes that she was using all my minor aggressions and exaggerating them to justify her actions.

The drinking problem seems like a complicated issue. I always had an idea of what she was drinking based on the wine bottle we’d open or the cocktails she’d make—it did concern me on occasion and I’d suggest she cut back, but I didn’t ever think of it as a serious problem. Her hiding alcohol so I couldn’t calculate how much she drank was shocking for me and obviously would have changed my handling of it.

The drinking problem has gone on for more than a year—so long before the affair. She said she found it made her more able to tolerate sex acts with me. Even just me going down on her was better if she was drunk because without it she was entirely uninterested in any sex act with me. Then during the affair, she would proactively initiate sex with me on days she was drunk so she could check that box and buy a few days.

It’s a brutal honesty from her about how much she has hated sex acts with me the last 10 years and she thinks it was the principle driver of starting the affair. From the first time he kissed her, she felt sexually active again for the first time in a decade and convinced herself that she needed to see if something was still there inside of her.

The great irony is that my passive sexual nature with her this last decade began out of necessity that she didn’t want a normal sex life. It was s cycle—it started with resentments for me early in our relationship and she took them out on me in our sex life; I then changed our sex life to accommodate her seeming interests; then my passiveness was seen as sexual weakness now, at a time she wanted to try to have a real sex life again.

No idea on being pre-menopausal, so I can’t comment, but with regards to the “getting over him in a few months” point, she was saying that if she wasn’t caught, she anticipated that the affair would run its course over the school year while they were working together and then dissipate. I think that’s an incredibly stupid/naive thing for her to say, if she even meant it. I have no doubt the affair would have continued as long as he was willing to fuck her. In fact, if I’m being objective, there seem to be plenty of signs I’m picking up on that he was trying to keep her at bay. The guy is certainly a serial cheater and his priority was keeping his wife out of it and preventing my wife from developing any real feelings. I think he pulled back at times because of how aggressive my wife was in trying to set dates to see him and he saw red flags with her that could lead to drama.

As for the digging, that’s all I’m doing. I’m going over this stuff non-stop looking for details and inconsistencies. Right now is my best chance to get all the info I can—and I want as many facts as possible to help inform my future decisions on her.

[jratt85]

It sounds like she's also at a point where she's seeing if there's any possibility that sex with you could be what she needs or if you doing your damnedest just isn't ever going to be enough for her. Remember with anal there's no such thing as too much lube, I'd suggest getting a set of lube squirters (available on amazon) to put lube deep into her before you try again.. also make sure she spends adequate effort cleaning out beforehand and is REALLY turned on before you do it.

I honestly think you screwed up by having sex with her again when you're still so raw, in a way it's giving her a reprieve and saying she's okay for what she did but.. die cast, can't change it now.

Obviously what we're hearing is a small fraction of what's being said and how it's being said and all the minutia and inflections and spaces in between are where the true heart of what's being said and not lies and that's something we'll never get or know, so our advice (especially mine) is really kind of moot at this point. Only you two know for sure what's best for you and where you'll go. I definitely get your "prepare for the worst but hope for the best" attitude, that's how I am about all things after being hurt so much.. It's a lot easier to take rejection/negative shit if you're constantly ready for it. May not be the best way to live but it's self preservation at it's rawest.

I definitely think you'll probably end up with a trial separation or at least different beds/trial open relationship at some point soon. I think that, like you said, both of you are at a point in your life where you are focused on your own sexuality and maybe what you need is not just to try being a cuckold to make her happy, but also trying to find another woman for you to play with as well. Who knows, maybe you'd even enjoy a Domme that'd peg you and treat you like a good sub cucky while your wife is getting pounded right next to you, or down the hall, by some super hung stud.. Maybe you need to read a bunch of how-to articles about the BDSM world and discover your role in it.. You could find out it's something you love.. or hate, or that you are a switch (like me ) and need different roles with different people at different times to fit your mindset.

I think that if you end up staying together, it's not going to be in a monogamous relationship. I honestly think that where her head is at you just won't be enough for her and if you try to make her yours and yours alone, you're going to fail/fall. But maybe once you develop some trust for her again and set all the ground rules (and make a contract out of it, write out what you're okay with and what you're not and have it notarized and have legal punishments should she break your trust.. only realistic part of 50 Shades IMO) then you can enter into a new world where she becomes an actual hotwife or in a swinging relationship where you each get your own.. and then that may spice up your sex life.. Hell she may see you in another woman and suddenly find that she's SERIOUSLY wet and ready to have you again just because she needs to reclaim her man and make you hers again and remind you why you married her.. (doubtful, but possible)

It's hard to tell but from what she's said if she's not quite as self centered as you make it sound.. it might work.. someday. Just don't do it now.. Don't give her a chance to say that you were cheating too so she's justified.

Whatever happens, just make sure you cover your own ass in EVERYTHING and TAKE YOUR TIME.

[jacksonjones]

The great irony is that my passive sexual nature with her this last decade began out of necessity that she didn’t want a normal sex life. It was s cycle—it started with resentments for me early in our relationship and she took them out on me in our sex life; I then changed our sex life to accommodate her seeming interests; then my passiveness was seen as sexual weakness now, at a time she wanted to try to have a real sex life again.

There is no great irony here, the simple fact is that you two weren't communicating and drove you apart. Until you resolve that and start focusing on togetherness you'll never get past this.

Be careful of believing everything you post and read here, most of what I'm reading from you is very self-centered and "I" focused, these are not good things in a relationship, especially one that's damaged.

[drstrangelove]

The great irony is that my passive sexual nature with her this last decade began out of necessity that she didn’t want a normal sex life. It was s cycle—it started with resentments for me early in our relationship and she took them out on me in our sex life; I then changed our sex life to accommodate her seeming interests; then my passiveness was seen as sexual weakness now, at a time she wanted to try to have a real sex life again.

There is no great irony here, the simple fact is that you two weren't communicating and drove you apart. Until you resolve that and start focusing on togetherness you'll never get past this.

Be careful of believing everything you post and read here, most of what I'm reading from you is very self-centered and "I" focused, these are not good things in a relationship, especially one that's damaged.

I felt I was trying to communicate with her—as documented in this thread—but I was clearly not doing it well and she was clearly not receptive to it.

And yes, what I attempted to do to our sexlife was entirely selfish and a mistake—but I honestly felt I was feeding into her preferences and just trying to make them work for me too.

[jratt85]

don't you hate it when you try to alter the quote thing and it completely fails and makes it so hard to read? Or is it just hard for my brain to read/understand?

[Chrislydi]

don't you hate it when you try to alter the quote thing and it completely fails and makes it so hard to read? Or is it just hard for my brain to read/understand?

It so hard to make sense of who said what without referring back to previous posts, but so easily done, I just wish I could edit it and sort it out for them.

[drstrangelove]

Yesterday was not a good day. The two main points of conflict were the fact that I told her I talked with my lawyer on Friday and that I finally pushed to see all the next messages her mom sent over from Dec and Jan.

She was very sour toward me most of the day and my anxiety was sky high.

With the lawyer, it made her feel like I was talking to her about reconciliation and then plotting divorce behind her back. Largely, she was terrified that I might try to take full custody of the children.

I told her absolutely not—and I mean that: I think split custody is best approach. Not to mention we live in a state with no fault child custody, so it takes extreme situations to change the balance from 50/50. It shook her up though and she couldn’t get over it.

As for the texts, we got them and finally went through them—like 70 or so screenshots worth. She was very opposed to doing it and said it will only make things worse as they way she talks about me will be hurtful.

I’ve never seen a bigger understatement in my life. About 75% of all the texts are her telling her mom I’m the biggest ashore on the planet. Virtually all of them were forced and horribly out of context. Every time we had an interaction, she’s seemingly pick up her phone and tell her mom how awful I was for XX.

When she wasn’t talking about how terrible I am, she was noting how she couldn’t wait to not be around me. Her real work trip and even the hotel stays with the guy we’re setup as her thrilled to be away from me. There was also an ongoing conversation about a week trip I had planes with my mom and we kept having to move it—each time she’s rage about me not leaving, etc. it didn’t even seem like it was because she wanted to see the guy then (it’d be harder as she’d be dealing with both kids), but really just about wanting to not be around me.

It was a devastating read and it left me floored. I mean I understand the animosity is largely just her trying to justify the affair by making me out to be a bad guy, but still, the brutality was not something I thought she was capable of.

It left me in a weird spot because I genuinely can’t imagine texting those things about someone and then in a few days doing a 180 and saying you’ve fallen back in love. She says her renewed feelings now are based on how much love I’ve shown her this week and all my vulnerability, but it’s hard for me to make it make sense.

I still haven’t slept—another all nighter last night—no sleeping pills are working. I’ve also spent more time crying than I thought was possible. It was a hard follow up day after the great Saturday we had.

I really want to talk to more people in my life, but don’t want to spread this drama around, especially not knowing how it ends. So again, thank you all for reading.

[SixInchDick]

Yesterday was not a good day. The two main points of conflict were the fact that I told her I talked with my lawyer on Friday and that I finally pushed to see all the next messages her mom sent over from Dec and Jan.

She was very sour toward me most of the day and my anxiety was sky high.

With the lawyer, it made her feel like I was talking to her about reconciliation and then plotting divorce behind her back. Largely, she was terrified that I might try to take full custody of the children.

I told her absolutely not—and I mean that: I think split custody is best approach. Not to mention we live in a state with no fault child custody, so it takes extreme situations to change the balance from 50/50. It shook her up though and she couldn’t get over it.

As for the texts, we got them and finally went through them—like 70 or so screenshots worth. She was very opposed to doing it and said it will only make things worse as they way she talks about me will be hurtful.

I’ve never seen a bigger understatement in my life. About 75% of all the texts are her telling her mom I’m the biggest ashore on the planet. Virtually all of them were forced and horribly out of context. Every time we had an interaction, she’s seemingly pick up her phone and tell her mom how awful I was for XX.

When she wasn’t talking about how terrible I am, she was noting how she couldn’t wait to not be around me. Her real work trip and even the hotel stays with the guy we’re setup as her thrilled to be away from me. There was also an ongoing conversation about a week trip I had planes with my mom and we kept having to move it—each time she’s rage about me not leaving, etc. it didn’t even seem like it was because she wanted to see the guy then (it’d be harder as she’d be dealing with both kids), but really just about wanting to not be around me.

It was a devastating read and it left me floored. I mean I understand the animosity is largely just her trying to justify the affair by making me out to be a bad guy, but still, the brutality was not something I thought she was capable of.

It left me in a weird spot because I genuinely can’t imagine texting those things about someone and then in a few days doing a 180 and saying you’ve fallen back in love. She says her renewed feelings now are based on how much love I’ve shown her this week and all my vulnerability, but it’s hard for me to make it make sense.

I still haven’t slept—another all nighter last night—no sleeping pills are working. I’ve also spent more time crying than I thought was possible. It was a hard follow up day after the great Saturday we had.

I really want to talk to more people in my life, but don’t want to spread this drama around, especially not knowing how it ends. So again, thank you all for reading.

Wow, reading those texts is a game changer. That's not something you can really come back from, is it? I mean, you have to face that mother-in-law at some point knowing what terrible things were said about you. My wife can have a mean streak (it's a family curse) but it would take me cheating on her for her to do something like this.

Are you religious at all? I'm not, but I know churches are a great place to get support, even if it's just a place to talk. I don't want to see you fall any further or do something drastic. Keep your head up, man. Thanks for sharing.

[drstrangelove]

Yesterday was not a good day. The two main points of conflict were the fact that I told her I talked with my lawyer on Friday and that I finally pushed to see all the next messages her mom sent over from Dec and Jan.

She was very sour toward me most of the day and my anxiety was sky high.

With the lawyer, it made her feel like I was talking to her about reconciliation and then plotting divorce behind her back. Largely, she was terrified that I might try to take full custody of the children.

I told her absolutely not—and I mean that: I think split custody is best approach. Not to mention we live in a state with no fault child custody, so it takes extreme situations to change the balance from 50/50. It shook her up though and she couldn’t get over it.

As for the texts, we got them and finally went through them—like 70 or so screenshots worth. She was very opposed to doing it and said it will only make things worse as they way she talks about me will be hurtful.

I’ve never seen a bigger understatement in my life. About 75% of all the texts are her telling her mom I’m the biggest ashore on the planet. Virtually all of them were forced and horribly out of context. Every time we had an interaction, she’s seemingly pick up her phone and tell her mom how awful I was for XX.

When she wasn’t talking about how terrible I am, she was noting how she couldn’t wait to not be around me. Her real work trip and even the hotel stays with the guy we’re setup as her thrilled to be away from me. There was also an ongoing conversation about a week trip I had planes with my mom and we kept having to move it—each time she’s rage about me not leaving, etc. it didn’t even seem like it was because she wanted to see the guy then (it’d be harder as she’d be dealing with both kids), but really just about wanting to not be around me.

It was a devastating read and it left me floored. I mean I understand the animosity is largely just her trying to justify the affair by making me out to be a bad guy, but still, the brutality was not something I thought she was capable of.

It left me in a weird spot because I genuinely can’t imagine texting those things about someone and then in a few days doing a 180 and saying you’ve fallen back in love. She says her renewed feelings now are based on how much love I’ve shown her this week and all my vulnerability, but it’s hard for me to make it make sense.

I still haven’t slept—another all nighter last night—no sleeping pills are working. I’ve also spent more time crying than I thought was possible. It was a hard follow up day after the great Saturday we had.

I really want to talk to more people in my life, but don’t want to spread this drama around, especially not knowing how it ends. So again, thank you all for reading.

Wow, reading those texts is a game changer. That's not something you can really come back from, is it? I mean, you have to face that mother-in-law at some point knowing what terrible things were said about you. My wife can have a mean streak (it's a family curse) but it would take me cheating on her for her to do something like this.

Are you religious at all? I'm not, but I know churches are a great place to get support, even if it's just a place to talk. I don't want to see you fall any further or do something drastic. Keep your head up, man. Thanks for sharing.

Well, the MIl was largely spreading with my wife to calm down, talk with me, go to a counselor, make a list of issues to discuss, come visit her solo to get out of the house for a bit. The conversation was a long string of my wife trashing me and her mother trying to help without appearing to shutoff my wife.

After the initial hotel stay, my wife used a car service to come back home under her mom’s account and that’s how the mom new she went through with it—the MIL was very upset (father was livid), and it caused a brief break in their constant chat. If I had to guess, I think her mom was worried if she was too judgmental, my wife would stop talking with her and she’s lose her ability to help guide her.

Ultimately, I wish her mom did more to stop this, but I don’t hold any I’ll will for her. There’s humiliation in them all knowing, but it’s worse dealing with that and my wife than her family.

I don’t know if I can come back regardless—I’m forcing myself to keep an open mind when we see the therapist tomorrow. I’ve written up a breakdown of my betrayals and my approach to overcome them, so I’m hopeful the therapist can help guide me to forgiveness on some of them. As bad as this all is, I refuse to give up without giving it my all first.

[Chrislydi]

Context is everything and it's difficult to read such continuous disparagement of character over such a prolonged period when you lived through the same and knew the truth. It's hard to offer anyyhing other than to not rush to conclusions, follow the process through with the counsellor and see it through as best you can. No sleep won't leave you in any position to make rational judgements, waiting for clarity on motives and a path forward has to be the aim now

[Bent_n_Twisted]

don't you hate it when you try to alter the quote thing and it completely fails and makes it so hard to read? Or is it just hard for my brain to read/understand?

It so hard to make sense of who said what without referring back to previous posts, but so easily done, I just wish I could edit it and sort it out for them.

There are a number of people here who tend to fuck up the quoting with some regularity, which can make it difficult to keep track of who really said what.

[jratt85]

Well it sounds like your MIL is still at least somewhat on your side, so maybe she's the outlet for you to talk to that'd listen that already knows. I'm a Libra-Scorpio cusper.. a cusp known for drama a criticism and extreme vindictiveness.. I can't even begin to imagine being that big of a dick and going out of your way to lie that much and with that much venom. Your wife has serious mental issues. She really does not sound mentally stable at all and I'd fear that the moment you did split she'd spend every waking moment trying to get back at you and trying to turn your kids against you.

Honestly... I don't know how anyone could ever come back from that unless you are the guy in The Offspring song "Self Esteem" but I think even he would've left at that point. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtNZnhxWLHo

[Lucky Dog]

Because your wife hasn't been truthful, one large question is whether she meant everything she told her mom. Did she really believe everything she wrote, or was she lying to her mom by exaggerating her feelings about you to get her mom on her side to approve of her cheating?

This is why lying is such a bad thing -- even after the fact, seeing all those texts, you don't really know what your wife really felt about you. Those texts are really bad, but they could also be worse than that.

Also, now that your wife seems so upset about the idea of getting divorced, why is that? Is there only a financial concern, or does she really not want to lose her family? Sometimes when people get obsessed with an idea (cheating, for example), they see everything through that lens and lose their overall perspective.

What you really want to do is what is best for you and your children, and best for your family. Revenge for her behavior really doesn't help with any of those goals -- so taking all of it into account, the real questions are:

• What, if anything, do you and your wife have together now, and
• What, if anything, could you have together in the future if you both work on it.

Those aren't easy questions, and they will take a while to answer, but it's worth it for you to get the right answers before you make some very important decisions.

[TinyTim]

Late to the conversation but I’d like to express good will towards you Dr S. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. On the other hand, there may be a silver lining here. First I completely agree w Jratt, your wife is not only unstable with her cheating, alcohol problem and bold face lying but she is also very unkind to you. Those recovered emails say it all. The silver lining is coming to the realization that you as a human being, deserve much, much better than this and maybe there’s now a pathway towards it, divorce. I would be extremely skeptical of any hope for a real reconciliation. Not now anyway. Your wife would need a total transformation. How often does that happen? I feel for you brother, and for your kids. Heartfelt best wishes.

[drstrangelove]

Because your wife hasn't been truthful, one large question is whether she meant everything she told her mom. Did she really believe everything she wrote, or was she lying to her mom by exaggerating her feelings about you to get her mom on her side to approve of her cheating?

This is why lying is such a bad thing -- even after the fact, seeing all those texts, you don't really know what your wife really felt about you. Those texts are really bad, but they could also be worse than that.

Also, now that your wife seems so upset about the idea of getting divorced, why is that? Is there only a financial concern, or does she really not want to lose her family? Sometimes when people get obsessed with an idea (cheating, for example), they see everything through that lens and lose their overall perspective.

What you really want to do is what is best for you and your children, and best for your family. Revenge for her behavior really doesn't help with any of those goals -- so taking all of it into account, the real questions are:

• What, if anything, do you and your wife have together now, and
• What, if anything, could you have together in the future if you both work on it.

Those aren't easy questions, and they will take a while to answer, but it's worth it for you to get the right answers before you make some very important decisions.

I think you're spot on. She was doing something she knew was wrong and frustrated that no one was telling her it was ok. Her father stopped talking to her and her mom and sister were trying to counsel her. The stream of texts to her mom was to convince her mom to side with her.

I'm going to do a big update now, but I'm convinced that my wife has made it to remorse. She wants a life with me.

[drstrangelove]

Major update.

Ok, so I'm playing with fire and I'm already afraid of the responses I'm going to get for this one. We had a rough day yesterday as I noted and I was up all night. The morning was grim, with both my wife and I in tears for awhile. We lied together and held each other for a bit--her apologies were genuine and I'm stuck on finding the path to forgive.

Our hands began to roam and the tears turned to passionate kissing, which led to an eventual BJ. After about 6-7 minutes of giving great head, I told her to climb on top because I wanted to fuck her. She road me with intense passion and eventually worked her way to an explosive orgasm. She was coming down from the high and I told her to suck all her cream off my dick and swallow my load. She didn't hesitate and I dirty talked the entire time about what a good girl she was licking up her mess.

She swallowed every drop and looked up with a shocked smile: "Well that was new--I've NEVER done that..."

So I replied: "You told me you just 69'd with the guy in the middle of the session?"

"I guess, but this was different--that was a lot of cum--from both of us."

"Did you like it?"

"...yea, I really did. That was the most fun I've had giving a blow job to you."

Now I know this is a dangerous road with wounds still so fresh, but I think I'm now on a path to real healing with her. After so much bull shit and deception looking back, there's genuine excitment in my wife's eyes now. And I know some of it just might be relief that we're on a good road to reconcile, but I'm going to go with my gut on this.

Anyway, that happened around 10 a.m. or so. Then at around 10:50, she was heading downstairs to jump on a work meeting and I started teasing her...really heavy. Kisses on her neck, hands roaming her breasts and stomach and my dick grinding against her wet pussy. She worked herself up to the brink of orgasm and I'd pull back...then lick her clit for 10 seconds, then pull back. She was squirming like an animal in heat. I told her she has to be a good girl before she cums and she kept pleading for me to finish her before her meeting. I got her right to the edge and stopped at 10:58 and then told her to hurry to her meeting. She was half naked, hair a mess, and ran downstairs.

Then at 12:50, the same thing happened--only this time in the bathroom after her shower. She had a meeting coming up and I came up from behind her in front of the mirror and did the same routine. She was losing her mind and ready to explode before I again sent her to a meeting.

She came back upstairs around 1:15 after a short meeting and we jumped into bed. She was soaked and we quickly went to missionary, pulling her satin thong to the side. I fucked her slow at first and picked up the pace. She was lost in ecstasy as I ramped up speed and slowed before she came. 30 minutes in I slammed her as hard and fast as I've ever fucked her and watched her eyes roll back in her head while I told her how much I would be abusing her pussy from now on. She shouted back that I owned it.

After she came I flipped her over and fucked her doggy, slapping her ass and her telling me how I owned her ass too. Eventually to prone and I kept the pace up. I had complete control of my load having just cum a few hours earlier, so I was dragging this out. Eventually I pushed her down to prone and pulled her wrists back--bound behind her I unloaded hard and fast while she squealed. After 45 minutes of intense fucking, I pulled out and sprayed her back with a big load, some landing in her hair.

We were spent and she seemed blown away from the sex the last few days. She looked happy to be reconnecting with me.

Then she checked her phone and there was a text waiting from the guy: "Hey"

She started to slip and I could see her getting mad--her body was shaking. It seemed genuine--she was so upset that she was so reckless in the affair. She said she doesn't want to respond at all, but I said let's discuss. She had to go down for a meeting, but she left her phone in the bedroom as an olive branch of trust.

My vote is that she responds with: "Do not text me again."
She was also open to doing: "I'm reconciling with my husband. Do not contact me."

I'm open for thoughts on how to handle, but I feel like not answering promotes the possibility he keeps trying and I don't like the idea of my wife getting validation from this guy at random. I also think a response enforces again that it's over.

Thoughts?