Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[jratt85]

something you might want to look into is there's a company (probably several knowing kink stuff) that makes a silicone cage that shouldn't be as irritating and will allow somewhat of an erection (just due to how much it stretches) but not a full one which can be it's own kind of denial or whatever you want to call it. I'd suggest a look at extremerestraints.com as they have a LOT more than just standard cages that will give you options to (heh) play with.. even though they are expensive it might give you ideas.. Personally with what I remember you saying (forgive me if I'm wrong) I think their "Annex Erection Enhancer" might be a good thing to add to your toy chest with how much your wife loves playing with your balls. (personally I'd love to have one too lol, that looks hot/like it'd feel good)

[FunTimeSoon]

I will admit, I was tempted to push the envelope there and ask her to snowball my cum into my mouth--I know she doesn't *like* to swallow it and we've done some recent dirty talk about it, but I think she feels akward "forcing" me and I always lose the desire once I cum. That's definitely a next step I want to explore. I think it's a hot dynamic if in exchange for a BJ, I have to eat my cum.

Why not simply make out with your wife after, no mention of snowballing? And then maybe reduce the time after cumming that you kiss her.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum FunTimeSoon.

[Bent_n_Twisted]

...I was tempted to push the envelope there and ask her to snowball my cum into my mouth--I know she doesn't *like* to swallow it and we've done some recent dirty talk about it, but I think she feels akward "forcing" me and I always lose the desire once I cum. That's definitely a next step I want to explore. I think it's a hot dynamic if in exchange for a BJ, I have to eat my cum.

My wife has done that to me the last couple of BJs. I didn't ask her to do it, I don't like the taste of my cum, but she *likes* making me swallow it anyway. She always used to swallow, I have no idea if she likes it or not, I've never asked.

[drstrangelove]

I will admit, I was tempted to push the envelope there and ask her to snowball my cum into my mouth--I know she doesn't *like* to swallow it and we've done some recent dirty talk about it, but I think she feels akward "forcing" me and I always lose the desire once I cum. That's definitely a next step I want to explore. I think it's a hot dynamic if in exchange for a BJ, I have to eat my cum.

Why not simply make out with your wife after, no mention of snowballing? And then maybe reduce the time after cumming that you kiss her.

I suggested that last night—she loved the idea.

I tacked it into a conversation we had regarding our sexlife. I told her I wanted her to feel like she can focus entirely on her sexual pleasure and her hang up at times has been she needs to reprogram herself because her whole life she has been focused on sex bring for pleasing a man. She loves the idea of what I want, but is concerned I’ll get mad with her or have my feelings hurt.

We talked through it and setup some ground rules:

- Lead with love for each other.

- I will have no expectations for sexual activity, but will offer physical pleasure to her daily (massages, hands, oral sex, etc.).

- I don’t masterbate outside of her presence—she has complete control of my pleasure.

- She can focus 100% on her sexual desire.

- Once she’s sexually satisfied, she can let me jerk off in her presence—if she’s interested in doing more (HJ, BJ, sex), she can offer, but is under no obligation and I will have no expectation of her providing me an orgasm.

- If she wants sex and initiates it, she’s free to stop it at anytime once she’s satisfied—she shouldn’t continue only for my pleasure. If I still want to orgasm, I can take care of myself in front of her.

- If she goes two/three days without sexual interest, she’ll offer to let me cum for her however she wants me to.

- If she wants sexual pleasure from a toy instead of me, she can let me watch (and masterbate during or afterward). If she doesn’t want me to watch, she could tell me about it afterward as a tease.

- She can lock me in the cage anytime, but especially when we’re separated for the day (one of us at work). Anytime I sit to pee, I should send her a loving text with the time.

- She has an open hall pass—I’m incredibly turned on by the idea of her being sexual with other men. She’s free to talk, flirt, have sex with other men and would communicate any fun back to me (no secrets; that’s our bond)—I’ll make sure she has condoms in her purse just in case. I will never stray from her.

She loved all of them but the last one—she is very much opposed to having sex with anyone else right now. She told me how sweet I was for offering all of this though and told me she wanted to give me a blowjob, but instead wanted me to wait another day knowing from now on if I get a BJ I’ll be eating my cum.

She has been swallowing my cum since the affair, but she’s doing it as a kindness, not a desire. She seems happy to not be expected to do it anymore. At the same time, she’s dismissive of me doing it, saying it’s no big deal and I’ll get used to it. So we’ll see how tonight goes.

[drstrangelove]

Things went well after my last post—she made out with me after she swallowed my cum—honestly, I didn’t even really taste it. She liked doing it though.

We’ve been talking a lot and we’re both interested in exploring Locktober—so I’ll be wearing cage more this month and we agreed that I’m not allowed to cum from sex. The only exception will be our three day vacation in the middle of the month—she’s expecting a wild sex marathon, so that will likely be a break from the kink.

I was traveling for work yesterday and she initiated a really hot conversation that I’ll share some of (and for my own insight, is there a way for me to screen grab and post the images here? It would save me lots of time lol).

Anyway, this happened a little before 10 p.m. on Thursday—I had just returned to the hotel from dinner with a colleague.

Her: I should have locked you up.

Me: you should have! I could have used the plastic lock. If you like it better with me wearing it, just have me wear it more.

Her: I will.

Me: Are you starting to like it more?

Her: I like the control. I like owning your dick.

Me: What do you like about it?

Her: You’re mine and I can have you when I want.

Me: So my dick is like a sex toy, but only for you?

Her: Only for me. I can play with it when I want. Then you go back in the cage when I’m done.

Me: Exactly—I like that too.

Her: I like feeling the hard cage through your pants. Just know you’re locked up. Throbbing.

Me: I love seeing the key around your neck.

Her: Waiting go get let out and having your dick in my pussy.

Me: I like knowing that you have the power and that if I don’t behave, I won’t cum.

Her: You licking my pussy. Over and over.

Me: I just want to lick your pussy every day. Even if you don’t cum—just lick it when you’re bored and want to relax.

Her: On the couch…in meetings. I also like sucking your large cock and watching you cum.

Me: You’re too giving—should make me earn those BJs. And you don’t need to swallow my cum anymore.

Her: Next time I’m making you lick it off. I can’t wait for you to enjoy that sweet cum.

Me: Well you don’t like eating it, so why shouldn’t I do it for you? Seems silly that you still do it.

Her: You’re right. It makes it easier to have you like it and lick it.

Me: I’d love to learn to do that for you.

Her: You can learn to love it.

Me: You’re just saying that…

Her: You will love it. It would just make things easier for me. I love when you’re in the cage and watch me use my toy. Getting all this pleasure and watching you squirm.

Me: it’s because it feels better than my dick?

Her: Of course. I also like the audience. Makes me cum knowing you’re watching. Staring, wishing you were inside me.

Me: I’m so grateful you let me watch sometimes.

Her: Only when you’re well behaved.

Me: it’s ok if I just masterbate off you don’t want sex afterward.

Her: I know you want sex, but tomorrow you can masterbate while you watch me.

Me: I’ve been waiting to fuck you for more than a week.

Her: Hmm you can wait longer. Right?

Me: If your toy feels better, that’s what you should use.

Her: (photo) Newly shaven.

Me: omg. Can I at least lick it tomorrow?

Her: I can’t wait to stick my toy inside.

Me: is the new toy there? (We had ordered a vibrator with a clot attachment)

Her: Haven’t received it yet. Waiting for it to come so I can cum.

Me: Maybe we can get to the point where I’m caged all the time, I enjoy the taste of my cum when you unlock me, and your orgasms only come from your toys.

Her: Yes, I know you will enjoy the cum and think of all those missed orgasms being locked up.

Me: That’s hot. Every time I can’t cum, that chance is gone forever.

Her: All those missed opportunities. How many less times per week?

Me: Well you’ve been letting me cum like 10x a week sometimes, so you can cut that down.

Her: Maybe 2x a week.

Me: Fuck, only 2?

Her: You only get 2x.

Me: I’ve never done that.

Her: You can learn.

Me: I think it would be best, so I want to learn. Will you cum more?

Her: Yes, maybe 15x a week. Is that fair?

Me: 15??? Can I at least help?

Her: Of course you can. Licking my pussy.

Me: That seems fair. And you’ll teach my cum when you let me get off?

Her: Of course. I’ll start with giving you head and kissing you after.

Me: I liked that last night. Then you’ll progress?

Her: Then you can lick it. Eventually enjoying every drop.

Me: Can we start the new ratio this week? 15-2.

Her: Of course.

Me: You’re the best. I love you.

Her: I love you and can’t wait for you to lick me twice a day.

Me: Wait—are you being serious?

Her: Yes.

Me: So morning and night?

Her: Whenever it is convenient for me.

Me: Well of course. I was just guessing. So you’ll keep me caged, let me eat you 2x a day, have seven orgasms for each one of mine, and teach me to like the taste of my cum?

Her: Of course. Does that seem fair?

Me: Babe, that seems perfectly fair. Thank you!

Her: If you don’t behave though, you don’t come out of the cage.

Me: That’s reasonable and I’m sure you’ll be fair. I’m rock hard and dripping pre-cum everywhere. Hopefully all of this wasn’t just dirty talk.

Her: No I can’t wait for you to just lick your cum, wear a cage and give me oral. A woman’s dream.

Me: So you’re really into it? I wasn’t sure.

Her: Of course. Next time I plan on having you swallow your cum. You can focus on giving me oral and using my toys. I don’t want to swallow your cum anymore.

Me: Are you really going to go through with this?

Her: Yup. You bet I am.

[Guhunkadorn]

Great update and I'm on board with her NOT having a lover for at least a year given the trauma you two have been through....maybe more like 2 or 3 years....

Have you mentioned that you share the contents of this thread with her? I'd say your about at the point where you can do that.

Maybe have her become verified so she can communicate with the ladies on here.

[chris]

^^^ this. Heal your marriage.

[jratt85]

Well I have to say that was definitely hot.. has me mostly hard after reading it lol. There's something so hot about the idea of being owned by a woman.. but really? ONLY 15 times a week for her? The one woman (she was 19 and honestly still a stupid girl) that I spent time with and played with (of course she didn't return the favor.. and no it wasn't a cuck thing.. I was 22 at the time) in the times that I masturbated her and licked her the least I made her cum was 15 times in as many minutes.. I don't know if it was just her inexperience or just all my years of reading how to's but I didn't find it difficult to make her cum at all.. especially when I got more aggressive about it.. I lost count at 35 in 30 minutes one time and kept going for 45 minutes.... till my arm was sore... and I didn't even get to use toys on her.

I can't imagine ONLY giving a woman 15 orgasms a week. (I definitely envy their ability to have multiple orgasms and keep going.. that many would definitely kill me)

[Rogueuser1]

I think that might be the hottest conversation ever. 15-2 is quite the ratio... though certainly not the worst! I hope it continues to go well for both of you!!

[drstrangelove]

Great update and I'm on board with her NOT having a lover for at least a year given the trauma you two have been through....maybe more like 2 or 3 years....

Have you mentioned that you share the contents of this thread with her? I'd say your about at the point where you can do that.

Maybe have her become verified so she can communicate with the ladies on here.

Yea, taking another lover is not on the table right now—I imagine that’s unlikely ever, but if it happens, it won’t be in near future.

She is aware that I journal our life online, but she’s never asked about the site or wanted to browse herself. I’ve read her some of my posts though.

Interestingly, she has shown a tremendous amount of interest in my kinks this last week—she was looking through Reddit about Locktober and chastity to come up with some ideas for the month.

She loves when I’m caged and watch her cum from her toy, so she wants to keep doing that—a recent idea was for her to maybe find some porn to watch while she goes at it—it turns her on to see me squirm and turns me on imagining her cuming while looking at some other guy’s big dick.

Another thing she said that she was surprised she liked was “training” me to enjoy the taste of my cum. She found it really hot, so she added it as a new rule this morning: If she lets me cum and I don’t eat it, she won’t unlock me the next time we play. She has seemingly taken an interest in that becoming normal—it turns her on to see me lick it up, so she said she wants to keep pushing it. On my end, I don’t really mind the taste this far, though I haven’t swallowed a full load yet—I’ve just been licking some off her finger, etc. Tonight she told me she is going to have me lick it off her pussy.

The hang up on her end is that after my tongue or the toys, she really wants to just get fucked by me—so she loses focuses on being dominant. She’s fine with me not being allowed to cum from sex though—it doesn’t turn her on to deny that, but she also likes that sex can end after she’s done. It makes her feel selfish and guilty though, so she’s fighting against that feeling.

Ultimately, there is going to need to be a balance for now—a times she just wants to be fucked silly and lose all control. So if there’s no other guy in the picture, I need to fill that need. We are addressing it in two ways—first, I can be dominate at times during sex to get her off, then once she’s good, she can resume control and have me jerk off. And two, we have a planned vacation in the middle of the month where we are going to table all of my kinks and I’m going to just fuck her senseless for three days. Seems fair to me!

[drstrangelove]

Well I have to say that was definitely hot.. has me mostly hard after reading it lol. There's something so hot about the idea of being owned by a woman.. but really? ONLY 15 times a week for her? The one woman (she was 19 and honestly still a stupid girl) that I spent time with and played with (of course she didn't return the favor.. and no it wasn't a cuck thing.. I was 22 at the time) in the times that I masturbated her and licked her the least I made her cum was 15 times in as many minutes.. I don't know if it was just her inexperience or just all my years of reading how to's but I didn't find it difficult to make her cum at all.. especially when I got more aggressive about it.. I lost count at 35 in 30 minutes one time and kept going for 45 minutes.... till my arm was sore... and I didn't even get to use toys on her.

I can't imagine ONLY giving a woman 15 orgasms a week. (I definitely envy their ability to have multiple orgasms and keep going.. that many would definitely kill me)

She usually cums 2-3x in a typical session, so that goes up if we play longer or multiple times. She’ll usually enjoy a cliteral orgasm to start then 1-2 g-spot ones. On Saturday, she had me lick her to an orgasm a couple of times during the day because we were home together—it’s relatively new for us to play and me not cum. It’s kind of hot!

During the affair she was having rolling orgasms throughout the nights with him. That was new for her though to be having sex for four hours at once—and she was turned on by the taboo of it all. We’ll see how our vacation goes.

[drstrangelove]

I think that might be the hottest conversation ever. 15-2 is quite the ratio... though certainly not the worst! I hope it continues to go well for both of you!!

I’ve had a lot of sexting sessions over the years and that was by far the hottest conversation I’ve ever had. Was made even hotter because it was my wife and it was real.

The 15-2 ratio likely won’t be real. Since the convo, I’ve cum 3x and she’s come about 8-9x. She’s torn—she likes when I wait a day or so between orgasms so I’m hotter for her, but she now likes watching me lick my cum; something I can’t do if I don’t cum lol.

[FunTimeSoon]

I think that might be the hottest conversation ever. 15-2 is quite the ratio... though certainly not the worst! I hope it continues to go well for both of you!!

I’ve had a lot of sexting sessions over the years and that was by far the hottest conversation I’ve ever had. Was made even hotter because it was my wife and it was real.

The 15-2 ratio likely won’t be real. Since the convo, I’ve cum 3x and she’s come about 8-9x. She’s torn—she likes when I wait a day or so between orgasms so I’m hotter for her, but she now likes watching me lick my cum; something I can’t do if I don’t cum lol.

If you/her have enough willpower you can try to do ruined orgasms which means you won't really orgasm per se, but can still lick up cum. Other options are milking precum using normal/anal methods. Condoms can help with that. There is also freezing cum option but I don't think it's viable to recommend given your story.

As for the dominance thing, you can always try putting some restrictions ("No touching/kissing me until you lick your mess up") or just actual physical restraints and/or blindfold, because I don't think I've read you post about that.

[sub01]

I read this whole thread a couple of days back and your story is amazing! It's sad that you went through some rough moments and emotions but I think in the end, it will all be worth it! Might even already be

Before reading about the cheating part, I was jealous of what you had there... My favorite part is when you pretended to fuck her while fucking her hands and her faking to moan. I really like fake moaning... A short story that happened with one of my exes about that: She denied me fucking her for a month(at that time, it never happened to me in a relationship going more than a couple of days without fucking so it was driving me nuts). I was so turned on but didn't have the same kink as today so I wasn't enjoying it as much as I could have. Anyways, she would tell me things like if you want you can jerk off and cum on my ass tonight. She then would move her ass up and down while moaning and it sounded genuine. It made me wonder if she was faking when we had sex and I would cum really fast. All my life I had a hard time cumming, I think I was jerking off too much. It was the first girl that made me lose control and made me cum really fast... So that part of your story brought me back to that moment!!

When you talked about her being disappointed in you and losing interest in sex with you because you were not dominant in bed(I don't remember the exact words you used), I was afraid that you would lose the dynamic in bed, I am glad that she is now enjoying what you have!

Cage question: I have had lots of relationships where I have been cheated on, a couple of them were my exes where dom and some liked humiliating me as well. Of course the relationships were toxic but I enjoyed the sexual part of it. Now, I have the best girlfriend, we have an amazing relationship but she said she does not have any fantasies and she's not dom. I struggled telling her about my cuckold fantasies because it could be extreme for someone without any fantasies... Anyways, I brought it up a couple nights ago, she listened but said that she was not into sleeping with other people and that she would not take the lead in roleplaying that because she lacks imagination for that. The next day, I thought about it and was wondering if a cage could help the dynamic between us. She might begin to enjoy teasing me and I could enjoy the power dynamic of her being in control, she would not have to act and could just be herself.. It's still pretty new for you but do you think it helped your wife enjoying being a dom a bit more? And if anyone else has had similar experience, what are your thoughts?

[armyguyot1]

welcome to the forum sub01.

[drstrangelove]

I read this whole thread a couple of days back and your story is amazing! It's sad that you went through some rough moments and emotions but I think in the end, it will all be worth it! Might even already be

Before reading about the cheating part, I was jealous of what you had there... My favorite part is when you pretended to fuck her while fucking her hands and her faking to moan. I really like fake moaning... A short story that happened with one of my exes about that: She denied me fucking her for a month(at that time, it never happened to me in a relationship going more than a couple of days without fucking so it was driving me nuts). I was so turned on but didn't have the same kink as today so I wasn't enjoying it as much as I could have. Anyways, she would tell me things like if you want you can jerk off and cum on my ass tonight. She then would move her ass up and down while moaning and it sounded genuine. It made me wonder if she was faking when we had sex and I would cum really fast. All my life I had a hard time cumming, I think I was jerking off too much. It was the first girl that made me lose control and made me cum really fast... So that part of your story brought me back to that moment!!

When you talked about her being disappointed in you and losing interest in sex with you because you were not dominant in bed(I don't remember the exact words you used), I was afraid that you would lose the dynamic in bed, I am glad that she is now enjoying what you have!

Cage question: I have had lots of relationships where I have been cheated on, a couple of them were my exes where dom and some liked humiliating me as well. Of course the relationships were toxic but I enjoyed the sexual part of it. Now, I have the best girlfriend, we have an amazing relationship but she said she does not have any fantasies and she's not dom. I struggled telling her about my cuckold fantasies because it could be extreme for someone without any fantasies... Anyways, I brought it up a couple nights ago, she listened but said that she was not into sleeping with other people and that she would not take the lead in roleplaying that because she lacks imagination for that. The next day, I thought about it and was wondering if a cage could help the dynamic between us. She might begin to enjoy teasing me and I could enjoy the power dynamic of her being in control, she would not have to act and could just be herself.. It's still pretty new for you but do you think it helped your wife enjoying being a dom a bit more? And if anyone else has had similar experience, what are your thoughts?

Thanks for the post, Sub.

The cage has been a strange dynamic—I’d say it’s being used now more as a sec toy than a lifestyle. I’m still not wearing it all the time—it’s something we use on days apart and quite literally any day I’ve had it on I’ve cum before bed that night (not always sex).

My wife has opened up to the kink more though—as you can tell by the text convo, she likes enjoying the control and feeding into my kink. She’s also come to really love sex toys—she now has two vibrators—and one of her favorite things to do is have me watch her fuck herded while I’m caged, before letting me out to have sex. Ultimately, the cage has opened up her sexual fantasy side more, but it wasn’t all at once—it’s been a very gradual change.

Looking back, I think a big part of the problem is the embarrassment/hesitation on my end at times—she wants me to enjoy my sexual fantasies, so to get the cage started, it took me spelling out why it was so hot. We also read a long guide written by a key holder and I sent her sections of it that turned me on throughout the night. I also will visit the chastitycupples Reddit and send her posts on occasions. As she understands more about what makes me tick, she’s more open to exploring it and she works it into dirty talk.

**

I can also give an update on where I am. We’re on vacation now for a few days and I’ve been a bit of a mess emotionally. This moment has been building up for seven months (since I found out about the affair).

After a learned the details of the affair—specifically that he fucked her in all-night sessions at a nice hotel on two occasions—I’ve been looking to have my turn at that. I couldn’t wait to go on a trip with her and have sex all night—hard to explain, but it was like a biological feeling in my core. Perhaps I wanted to reclaim her or perhaps it was as simple as me wanting to have the fun with her that he had.

She’s been building it up more than me, noting often how she can’t wait to fuck me all night or that if it’s raining one day we should just stay in the room and have sex all day, etc.

On Tuesday, the night before we left, she gave me a HJ and I came on myself—she denied me sex (we haven’t had sex since the weekend). She also talked dirty to me about how post-vacation I won’t get more sex the rest of the month; more time in chastity, etc.

Then we arrived yesterday—hotel is gorgeous: giant mirror as a head board; huge shower with a bench, etc. It’s a dream setup for a marathon sex session.

While I was taking a shower yesterday afternoon, it really hit me though—she chose to fuck this guy and keep seeing him precisely because we had a shitty sex life and she needed something I couldn’t give her. Quite literally, I don’t think I’m capable of fucking her for 4+ hours. I’ve never done anything like that in my life. So I know we can have sex and she’ll lean into how much fun it is, but I know I’m not going go measure up to the experiences she had with him in hotels. I feel wholly inadequate right now.

Last night she wanted to have sex and I turned her down. I just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. And it’s nothing she’s doing wrong; it’s in my head. I offered to give her head or use my fingers, but she initially said I was being silly and that we should have sex—then I froze up. I guess it was a mini-anxiety attack—she reversed course saying we could do whatever I wanted, but it was too late. I couldn’t get out of my own head—I couldn’t even put words together. I asked if we could just go to bed and reset and we did.

So now it’s the next morning and she’s still sleeping. I still feel anxious. None of this is really like me. Even writing all of this out feels silly, but if nothing else, I’m dedicated to honestly journaling everything here.

Im not sure what I’m going to do today. Explaining to her how I felt last night didn’t seem to work—or at least, I didn’t get the sense she understood me. Probably my explanation is at fault—it’s hard to blurt out to your wife that you feel sexually inadequate to her affair partner. I also know it would just make her feel awful. I’m really not sure how to proceed. I’ll keep you all posted though.

[8toplaywith]

That was deep. I hope you're ok. I think you need to change your mindset.
Yes, she had the affair but it didn't last. It's like a holiday.
It's over.
Can you occasionally see her in your mind as someone you met at a club or party and you're going to have a 1 night stand?
Just use her body as your playground, fuck her silly and cuddle up and fall asleep together.
She probably needs a cuddle now. So do you.
Good luck.

[Chrislydi]

As Stoplaywith said, this is all to do with how you've approached it, it's been built up into something it should never have been, something on which too much is riding on. You can't change yourself or your own capabilities, so don't try to. Don't expect too much out of it, you shouldn't be putting pressure on yourself to outperform or even do anything over the perfectly possible.

It's a whole change of attitude, approach and mindset that's needed, so that it doesn't matter if either of you don't feel up to it, disappoint the other or not. If you get it together, mutual enjoyment of your time, no matter how that is achieved, is the only thing that matters.

You don't have to try and emulate her former lover, it doesn't matter in the great scheme of things moving forward between you. Your trying to reconcile and move forward with her wanting you as you are, not some impossibly altered, super enhanced sex machine version of yourself.

Take the expectation and pressure off the table and just be yourself and try to enjoy it.

Chris

[NSA6715]

I would suggest trying to explain your feelings of inadequacy to her again. You could try prefacing the conversation with the fact that you don't want to rehash her wrongdoings to make her feel bad, but that you need to talk about how the whole situation makes you feel sometimes. You could tell her that you don't expect her to figure out your feelings for you, and that you just want to really feel heard and loved by her.

I would suggest figuring out whether the fact that someone else fucked her better is really what's bothering you. Here's the thing. You're interested in being a cuckold right? Why then is the fact that someone else fucked her better bothering you? Would it have bothered you if you had been a part of it? My guess is that the answer is probably yes, but not nearly to the extent that it does in the current situation. Probably you would have been able to deal with the feelings of inadequacy (and it wouldn't be unlikely that you would even overcome them eventually) if you were a part of it. So what's different in this situation then?

She betrayed you. She treated you like an equation. Put in lies, get out a husband who doesn't divorce you. It makes you feel insignificant and unworthy.

But now, as far as you know, she's changing. She seems to be doing her best. So why do you still feel like shit? Because you're doing the exact same thing she did, just on a smaller scale. You mentioned that it's hard to just blurt out how inadequate you feel compared to her lover. But if you truly believed that you were worthy of love, would you stay with someone who thought it was contemptible that you feel inadequate and embarrassed of your own perceived lack
of sexual ability. Would you stay with someone who looked down on you? Cuz right now you're acting like you would. But here's the thing, people generally don't fuck people who they feel contempt for. So instead you're hiding yourself from her and trying to present something she can't find contemptible.

You're treating her like an equation. You input a lie about your true self (feelings that you think are contemptible), and hope for an output that keeps her in the dark about the true you who you think she would find contemptible.

Man, you don't really think very well of your wife do you?

Okay that last line is slightly a joke, because we all act like this all the time, and we all have to learn to cut back on this sort of behavior. You genuinely seem to me like you still like your wife and want to believe the best of her. But I guarantee you she subconsciously senses this deception, and finds any conversations which dance around this topic confusing and frustrating. And if it continues she will eventually become angry.

You've been acting as though you don't love yourself, and explained above, and and as a result, in this specific area, you haven't been acting in a very loving way towards your wife. So here's the upshot of this. If you can find it in yourself to take the first step by trusting your wife even though she's shown that she can betray that trust, then you may reinforce your love for yourself in your own mind, since you will no longer be valuing her opinion of you over your own. Our lack of love for ourselves can direct our actions, but I believe that actions which are done as though we love ourselves can also create a sense of self love out of thin air.

You can apply this to every area of conflict between you and your wife. If you ever since yourself trying to get a certain response out of your wife, rather than purely expressing your feelings and needs, ask yourself if you are valuing maintaining her good opinion of you over being loving towards the real you.

You've been putting your heart in your wife's hands. It's time to grab hold of it and stop letting it weigh her down.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum NSA6714.

[drstrangelove]

Thank you all for the quick replies!

I would suggest trying to explain your feelings of inadequacy to her again. You could try prefacing the conversation with the fact that you don't want to rehash her wrongdoings to make her feel bad, but that you need to talk about how the whole situation makes you feel sometimes. You could tell her that you don't expect her to figure out your feelings for you, and that you just want to really feel heard and loved by her.

I would suggest figuring out whether the fact that someone else fucked her better is really what's bothering you. Here's the thing. You're interested in being a cuckold right? Why then is the fact that someone else fucked her better bothering you? Would it have bothered you if you had been a part of it? My guess is that the answer is probably yes, but not nearly to the extent that it does in the current situation. Probably you would have been able to deal with the feelings of inadequacy (and it wouldn't be unlikely that you would even overcome them eventually) if you were a part of it. So what's different in this situation then?

She betrayed you. She treated you like an equation. Put in lies, get out a husband who doesn't divorce you. It makes you feel insignificant and unworthy.

But now, as far as you know, she's changing. She seems to be doing her best. So why do you still feel like shit? Because you're doing the exact same thing she did, just on a smaller scale. You mentioned that it's hard to just blurt out how inadequate you feel compared to her lover. But if you truly believed that you were worthy of love, would you stay with someone who thought it was contemptible that you feel inadequate and embarrassed of your own perceived lack
of sexual ability. Would you stay with someone who looked down on you? Cuz right now you're acting like you would. But here's the thing, people generally don't fuck people who they feel contempt for. So instead you're hiding yourself from her and trying to present something she can't find contemptible.

You're treating her like an equation. You input a lie about your true self (feelings that you think are contemptible), and hope for an output that keeps her in the dark about the true you who you think she would find contemptible.

Man, you don't really think very well of your wife do you?

Okay that last line is slightly a joke, because we all act like this all the time, and we all have to learn to cut back on this sort of behavior. You genuinely seem to me like you still like your wife and want to believe the best of her. But I guarantee you she subconsciously senses this deception, and finds any conversations which dance around this topic confusing and frustrating. And if it continues she will eventually become angry.

You've been acting as though you don't love yourself, and explained above, and and as a result, in this specific area, you haven't been acting in a very loving way towards your wife. So here's the upshot of this. If you can find it in yourself to take the first step by trusting your wife even though she's shown that she can betray that trust, then you may reinforce your love for yourself in your own mind, since you will no longer be valuing her opinion of you over your own. Our lack of love for ourselves can direct our actions, but I believe that actions which are done as though we love ourselves can also create a sense of self love out of thin air.

You can apply this to every area of conflict between you and your wife. If you ever since yourself trying to get a certain response out of your wife, rather than purely expressing your feelings and needs, ask yourself if you are valuing maintaining her good opinion of you over being loving towards the real you.

You've been putting your heart in your wife's hands. It's time to grab hold of it and stop letting it weigh her down.

Reading this post made me realize there’s another piece of the equation missing for you guys—I spent several months on the Surviving Infidelity forum largely discussing the non-sexual aspects of our relationship post-affair and I haven’t written much of that here. Long story short, over the months instances of her lack of empathy for me have really hit me hard—her getting quick to anger, self-absorbed, frustrated have all been internalized by me as indications she doesn’t love me.

Typically the instances happen and pass in a few days—the last instance was nearly two weeks ago—it was a nothing issue, but involved all the same mechanisms. It just hasn’t passed.

So to answer your question—it doesn’t hurt me that another guy fucked her better than me; it more so turns me on. But that construct is broken by the belief she doesn’t love me. In order for me to feel safe in the relationship, I need to feel that she loves me regardless of our sex life—and at this moment, I don’t, so I shell up.

On her side, she’s trying to do all the things she thinks she should do—while I was writing this post, she came out of the bathroom in lingerie and I turned her down again. I feel like an idiot, but I also feel incredibly anxious and paralyzed.

I obviously could just force it and go through the motions, but perhaps that’s what I’ve been doing—just faking it until I make it. In doing so I feel wholly inauthentic though.

[Chrislydi]

It's impossible to give any real guidance without the whole picture, something we hardly have. If there are still signs and pointers that may indicate she's not being genuine in her efforts to reconcile then that's a definite worry.

The infidelity forum was certainly far better than here for discussing matters regarding getting over infidelity, but like any online forum you will have many different types of people with a whole myriad of different life experiences behind them. No doubt they all offer genuine advice they believe to be good for you, but inevitably with such a medium it's hard to know what is truly to be listened to and what just isn't.

You can either stress the positives, the areas where there have been improvements or concentrate on those where there are still worrying signs. It's hard to know which approach you should be taking, and maybe it's you yourself who has to decipher through the mass of information and decide what's important for yourself. Normally you would say try and talk through areas of contention but I'm not even sure that would be the right tactic here either, as it would sound particularly accusatory in exactly those areas where you want improvement. No easy answers really.

One thing is certain, you can't try to be who you're not, so there's no point trying. If she doesn't love you for who you are, and you're being the best version of yourself, then there's little you can do to change that. Sometimes people fall out of love with someone and will given time rediscover what they saw in them in the first place, and maybe this is the case here, she's just not there yet. Feelings aren't like a light switch that can go from something very dark with all love gone and alienation predominant, to something very bright and loving in an instant, it can be a long road back.

Chris

[sub01]

Cage question: I have had lots of relationships where I have been cheated on, a couple of them were my exes where dom and some liked humiliating me as well. Of course the relationships were toxic but I enjoyed the sexual part of it. Now, I have the best girlfriend, we have an amazing relationship but she said she does not have any fantasies and she's not dom. I struggled telling her about my cuckold fantasies because it could be extreme for someone without any fantasies... Anyways, I brought it up a couple nights ago, she listened but said that she was not into sleeping with other people and that she would not take the lead in roleplaying that because she lacks imagination for that. The next day, I thought about it and was wondering if a cage could help the dynamic between us. She might begin to enjoy teasing me and I could enjoy the power dynamic of her being in control, she would not have to act and could just be herself.. It's still pretty new for you but do you think it helped your wife enjoying being a dom a bit more? And if anyone else has had similar experience, what are your thoughts?

Thanks for the post, Sub.

The cage has been a strange dynamic—I’d say it’s being used now more as a sec toy than a lifestyle. I’m still not wearing it all the time—it’s something we use on days apart and quite literally any day I’ve had it on I’ve cum before bed that night (not always sex).

My wife has opened up to the kink more though—as you can tell by the text convo, she likes enjoying the control and feeding into my kink. She’s also come to really love sex toys—she now has two vibrators—and one of her favorite things to do is have me watch her fuck herded while I’m caged, before letting me out to have sex. Ultimately, the cage has opened up her sexual fantasy side more, but it wasn’t all at once—it’s been a very gradual change.

Looking back, I think a big part of the problem is the embarrassment/hesitation on my end at times—she wants me to enjoy my sexual fantasies, so to get the cage started, it took me spelling out why it was so hot. We also read a long guide written by a key holder and I sent her sections of it that turned me on throughout the night. I also will visit the chastitycupples Reddit and send her posts on occasions. As she understands more about what makes me tick, she’s more open to exploring it and she works it into dirty talk.

Thanks for taking the time to answer my question! Would you mind sharing a link to the keyholder guide you are talking about?

As for your situation, even though you are reluctant to share your feeling of inadequacy with her, I think you should, without overthinking it. We tend to overanalyze things and if I can speak from experience, I used to hold back things because I wasn't sure how it would be perceived but the key to a good relationship is transparency and communication. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable, it will also help her to share difficult stuff. Say it as it is, without pointing out her action, something along the lines of: "I am afraid of not being able to fuck you all night long and to disappoint you. That feeling of inadequacy turns me on but I am also afraid that you won't love me because of that..."

[FNQLivin]

That was deep. I hope you're ok. I think you need to change your mindset.
Yes, she had the affair but it didn't last. It's like a holiday.
It's over.
Can you occasionally see her in your mind as someone you met at a club or party and you're going to have a 1 night stand?
Just use her body as your playground, fuck her silly and cuddle up and fall asleep together.
She probably needs a cuddle now. So do you.
Good luck.

That’s a truly empathetic response and says everything I wanted to say.