Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[coastalkid]

How critical are you of your body image?

... No amount of "don't be silly, you're sexy as hell" or "I love you as you are" reassured me. Comments from others were not the problem, my issues had been installed by an ultra-religious, anti-woman, anti-sex upbringing, leaving me full of shame for what I was. And even though I knew intellectually that all that was nonsense before I left college, the anxiety and shame could still get triggered at any time that I felt sexual or desirable.

Thank you so much for this post! I've really, really tried saying the the above with the same results as you and oddly your "issues" are EXACTLY what my wife was raised in. It truly has been hard to deal with!

What helped me the most (besides a supportive husband who stopped trying to reassure me with words and just kept showing me that he desired me by his actions) was actually going to a vanilla, non-lifestyle nudist resort. How I agreed to do that I'm still not sure, but being there & seeing all kinds of adults all ages and ALL body types being absolutely comfortable and relaxed together, finally broke down some walls within me. A few more visits and I was very accepting of my body, and a lot of my old baggage melted away.

Ok, this is nothing short of amazingly improbable! How in the world did you get the idea! Where did you find such a place! You had to have reached a point where you felt like you needed something more to change things. Wow! You are brave!

It's so much better to leave that old mindset behind.

My wife and I have been together 41 years. She has always been reserved about sex until the last few years since her parents have passed away. She was raised in very conservative Christian household. About 6 years into our marriage I thought I would become involved in church with her to see if that would make her happy and she would open up sexually to me. She was happy but not motivated. I was living a lie trying to conform to the modern Christian lifestyle. I felt guilty and stupid! I spent 15 years foolishly. I had to tell my wife I had to quit going because my heart wasn't in it. Yes, leaving that old mindset would free two lives and it can't come too soon!

How critical are you of your body image?

Extremely. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who destroyed me every chance she got. I had issues with ED for years. I have been horrible, and hateful to myself, because she was, because my peers were, and I still can be. My husband has helped to heal me, helped me to heal myself, at my own pace, in a way that no amount of therapy could. I don't know if I am better or if I see myself more clearly but I have more better days now. I still struggle a lot with it and my own insecurity.

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry for your past but it has shown you how important it is to feel good about yourself. Believe me, as a former classroom teacher for 30 years, a father of a disabled son (who will never leave home) of 38 years, and a sexually frustrated husband of 41 years, I've been to counseling! I had the benefits through the health insurance. It helped me.

[SSQ]

How critical are you of your body image? Was it something that was a concern to you privately when considering the lifestyle? Are you more sensitive about it now or more relaxed? Has being a hotwife made you more concerned about your attractiveness, enough so to change your habits? My wife has told me that she doesn't feel sexy. She points out all her flaws. It breaks my heart that she thinks this way and I told her so. Even before she had admitted this to me several years back I never missed an opportunity to tell her I was stealing glances at her titties or staring at her butt, or even more tenderly, that her hair looked nice before she went out. Unfortunately a husband's bias recuses me from bearing believable witness punctuated with a, "That's sweet! I love you to honey!" Do you VHW's feel like you're "sexy"? Did the confidence you gained being a hotwife help you put your self-perception in perspective? I'd love to give my wife the gift of her truly believing she is sexy! I think she is! I've had the time and opportunity to tell her in many different ways but I just haven't seen it in her. Is this an issue for any of you?

Not at all. I'm me, and I like myself. If someone only wants to be with me because of how I look, I have zero interest in fucking them.

If I decide I want to do something to look nice, it's for me, not for anyone else. I am not going to change how I look for anyone else. I remember one of the most toxic things my exH told me was that if I lost weight I could have any man I wanted. For a while I bought into it. Then I asked myself why the hell I cared what some stranger thought about my body so much that I felt the need to change literally who I was. Hell no- never again.

I've been 150lbs, and I've been 300lbs. No matter what my body looks like, I'm sexy, lovable, and desirable. I'm a whole package, not just the casing.

Ask her why she cares what a literal random stranger thinks of her body. It's so bizarre when you look at it like that. Would you care what a random stranger thought of your parenting? Your investment portfolio? Your choice of vacation destination? If not, then why on earth something as personal as your body???

[SteelRidge]

How critical are you of your body image?

Extremely. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who destroyed me every chance she got. I had issues with ED for years. I have been horrible, and hateful to myself, because she was, because my peers were, and I still can be. My husband has helped to heal me, helped me to heal myself, at my own pace, in a way that no amount of therapy could. I don't know if I am better or if I see myself more clearly but I have more better days now. I still struggle a lot with it and my own insecurity.

Your obviously very pretty based on the Hotties photos. My understanding is a lot of women have self esteem and body image issues.

What does the ED comment refer to? That typically means erectile disfunction.

[magoo]

How critical are you of your body image?

Extremely. I was raised by a narcissistic mother who destroyed me every chance she got. I had issues with ED for years. I have been horrible, and hateful to myself, because she was, because my peers were, and I still can be. My husband has helped to heal me, helped me to heal myself, at my own pace, in a way that no amount of therapy could. I don't know if I am better or if I see myself more clearly but I have more better days now. I still struggle a lot with it and my own insecurity.

Your obviously very pretty based on the Hotties photos. My understanding is a lot of women have self esteem and body image issues.

What does the ED comment refer to? That typically means erectile disfunction.

ED= eating disorder.

[SteelRidge]

ED= eating disorder.

OK. Thanks.

You are indeed a hottie and I left a comment in the post with your photos.

[early-kink]

Liese - I'm going to have my wife read your post. As Coastalkid commented, your post is VERY helpful !! My wife has also been stymied by self-image and she says that's the major reason she feels "un-sexy." My wife looks fantastic, but like other husbands, she thinks I "have to say that" because I'm her husband. I was recently staring at her as she went to an ice machine in a restaurant to get more ice. She came back to the table and asked, "What? What were you looking at me for?" I told her that she looked really hot and her butt was cute. I think she appreciated my comment, but responded with, "yeah - blobbo!"

Why don't wives believe us? Why can they NOT accept a compliment? She really DOES look fantastic - but she WILL NOT believe it. She mentally can't "let go" and enjoy herself sexually as much as she could. Things are better than they used to be, but she's still in NEGATIVE GEAR, - not positive, high gear. I've tried everything - said everything - and she's not buying it.

I want her to read your post, Liese.

[aussienerd]

Not at all. I'm me, and I like myself. If someone only wants to be with me because of how I look, I have zero interest in fucking them.

If I decide I want to do something to look nice, it's for me, not for anyone else. I am not going to change how I look for anyone else. I remember one of the most toxic things my exH told me was that if I lost weight I could have any man I wanted. For a while I bought into it. Then I asked myself why the hell I cared what some stranger thought about my body so much that I felt the need to change literally who I was. Hell no- never again.

I've been 150lbs, and I've been 300lbs. No matter what my body looks like, I'm sexy, lovable, and desirable. I'm a whole package, not just the casing.

Ask her why she cares what a literal random stranger thinks of her body. It's so bizarre when you look at it like that. Would you care what a random stranger thought of your parenting? Your investment portfolio? Your choice of vacation destination? If not, then why on earth something as personal as your body???

You pass on so much wisdom and I am so grateful for the ladies here. This is why this is the only HW forum I am interested in. I use to just lurk but I am trying to be more involved.

Anyway, my ex said something similar to me and my wife's ex said the same thing to her. It took a long time for either of us to convince the other we were sincerely attracted to each other and not just intellectually and emotionally connected. It has really cemented our relationship and marriage. Interestingly, the two ex partners have both got second failed marriages under the belt while ours goes from strength to strength.

[Liese]

Liese - I'm going to have my wife read your post. As Coastalkid commented, your post is VERY helpful !! My wife has also been stymied by self-image and she says that's the major reason she feels "un-sexy." My wife looks fantastic, but like other husbands, she thinks I "have to say that" because I'm her husband. I was recently staring at her as she went to an ice machine in a restaurant to get more ice. She came back to the table and asked, "What? What were you looking at me for?" I told her that she looked really hot and her butt was cute. I think she appreciated my comment, but responded with, "yeah - blobbo!"

Why don't wives believe us? Why can they NOT accept a compliment? She really DOES look fantastic - but she WILL NOT believe it. She mentally can't "let go" and enjoy herself sexually as much as she could. Things are better than they used to be, but she's still in NEGATIVE GEAR, - not positive, high gear. I've tried everything - said everything - and she's not buying it.

I want her to read your post, Liese.

Why don't we believe you? Because we're human. Deeply ingrained childhood conditioning cannot be wiped away with words, it takes work, and those of us who want to change are responsible for doing the work.

I hope your wife is interested in what I have to say. She can contact me if she likes. My journey to self acceptance took time and work and a supportive husband, and was a lot more than just me going to a nudist resort. I had to change a lot about how I thought and acted before I was ready for THAT step.

But it was all worth the work.

[magoo]

Liese - I'm going to have my wife read your post. As Coastalkid commented, your post is VERY helpful !! My wife has also been stymied by self-image and she says that's the major reason she feels "un-sexy." My wife looks fantastic, but like other husbands, she thinks I "have to say that" because I'm her husband. I was recently staring at her as she went to an ice machine in a restaurant to get more ice. She came back to the table and asked, "What? What were you looking at me for?" I told her that she looked really hot and her butt was cute. I think she appreciated my comment, but responded with, "yeah - blobbo!"

Why don't wives believe us? Why can they NOT accept a compliment? She really DOES look fantastic - but she WILL NOT believe it. She mentally can't "let go" and enjoy herself sexually as much as she could. Things are better than they used to be, but she's still in NEGATIVE GEAR, - not positive, high gear. I've tried everything - said everything - and she's not buying it.

I want her to read your post, Liese.

Why don't we believe you? Because we're human. Deeply ingrained childhood conditioning cannot be wiped away with words, it takes work, and those of us who want to change are responsible for doing the work.

Truth. There is no forcing it either, the pace must be set by the person healing herself/himself.

[Stag78]

I have a new question for the VHW's:
How much of your sex life (both you individually and as a couple with your hubby) revolves around the HW lifestyle?

I broached this subject a while back by creating another thread regarding being a "One Trick Pony", but it occurred to me that the VHW's would probably be the best source for the insight I seek, which specifically is how much does your hubby obsess over you being a HW, possibly to the exclusion of other types of sexual gratification or pursuits?

Let me expound. I adore my fiancee, she is the love of my life and I have never been more attracted to a woman than I am to her, by a large margin. We have a very satisfying one on one sex life together, and I thoroughly enjoy it. I have very gradually introduced aspects of hotwifing to her and she has been very receptive to all thus far. We regularly use many toys in our love-making, she frequently wears sexy outfits in public (she loves the attention she gets and that it turns me on so much), and more recently she has become quite open in discussing her sexual adventures with past lovers (although so far she only does so when prompted by me). I have had the HW fantasy most of my life but she is the first partner I've ever shared any of it with and it is extremely exciting for me, to say the least.

How did your relationship develop when your hubby first introduced you to the LS, presuming it was his idea initially, as per usual? Was there a point at which the LS kind of took over and became the crux of your sex life? If not, how would you describe the nature of your intimate relationship?

I guess I'm concerned about overwhelming her with the depth of this fantasy. Again, I have been quite cautious and patient in bringing this stuff up with her (we have been together almost 4 years), and while she is certainly well aware that I am very turned on by the thought of her being with other men, I have yet to tell her that I actually want her to take lovers outside of our relationship. Given how receptive she's been to everything so far I may be overthinking this, but I really don't want to screw this up. How did your hubby approach you about it, and was there a time when it seemed overwhelming to you? How did you and he handle it going forward?

Thank you so much for any knowledge you can provide. I am truly grateful to have this forum as an invaluable resource.

[early-kink]

THANKS LIESE, for your posts.

I'll have my wife read both of your recent posts and see what she says to your points. If she wants to contact you & share some thoughts, I'd certainly support her in that. Thank-you again for your insight!!

[Farmgirl]

I have a new question for the VHW's:
How much of your sex life (both you individually and as a couple with your hubby) revolves around the HW lifestyle?

I broached this subject a while back by creating another thread regarding being a "One Trick Pony", but it occurred to me that the VHW's would probably be the best source for the insight I seek, which specifically is how much does your hubby obsess over you being a HW, possibly to the exclusion of other types of sexual gratification or pursuits?

Let me expound. I adore my fiancee, she is the love of my life and I have never been more attracted to a woman than I am to her, by a large margin. We have a very satisfying one on one sex life together, and I thoroughly enjoy it. I have very gradually introduced aspects of hotwifing to her and she has been very receptive to all thus far. We regularly use many toys in our love-making, she frequently wears sexy outfits in public (she loves the attention she gets and that it turns me on so much), and more recently she has become quite open in discussing her sexual adventures with past lovers (although so far she only does so when prompted by me). I have had the HW fantasy most of my life but she is the first partner I've ever shared any of it with and it is extremely exciting for me, to say the least.

How did your relationship develop when your hubby first introduced you to the LS, presuming it was his idea initially, as per usual? Was there a point at which the LS kind of took over and became the crux of your sex life? If not, how would you describe the nature of your intimate relationship?

I guess I'm concerned about overwhelming her with the depth of this fantasy. Again, I have been quite cautious and patient in bringing this stuff up with her (we have been together almost 4 years), and while she is certainly well aware that I am very turned on by the thought of her being with other men, I have yet to tell her that I actually want her to take lovers outside of our relationship. Given how receptive she's been to everything so far I may be overthinking this, but I really don't want to screw this up. How did your hubby approach you about it, and was there a time when it seemed overwhelming to you? How did you and he handle it going forward?

Thank you so much for any knowledge you can provide. I am truly grateful to have this forum as an invaluable resource.

I could easily say that all of our sex life includes me being a hotwife. In fact, our life includes me being a hotwife. We talk about it everyday. How could we not, it"s not what I am, it's who I am. It isn't something I turn on and off or role play with.
Me being a hotwife doesn't detract or take away from my love for my husband or my enjoyment of sex with my husband. Rather, it enhances it and, it enhances my marriage!
And, my husband doesn't obsess over me being a hotwife. He loves me for who I am and he enjoys who I am. He truely is my Number1!!

For your fiancee, don't obsess about it and don't overwhelm her. Explain to her openly and honestly that you want her to be your hotwife. Let her process it and decide how she wants it to work. Support her in how she views it working. And, (the big 'and') once she decides she wants this, let her do it her way. Don't throw a bunch of rules on her. This works when there is trust and if you trust her, trust her.

[early-kink]

Thank-you as well, Magoo, for your March 4th post! You validated Liese's post (above) and what she was saying to me.

I must thank you Magoo, Liese, and Farmgirl for much help and feminine perspective toward ME - in this thread and in other threads. I very much appreciate ALL the ladies' insights and advice.

[Nigel69]

Hi
I hope you can help by answering a couple of questions mainly questions my wife has. To give you a little backstory we are both 50, married a long time and happy.
The fantasy of my wife sleeping with other men has been one that has been with me a long time. I told her a couple of years ago and originally it was A definite no. But she has recently agreed to at least consider it which has led us to talk and for her to have some concerns.
I personally I’m quite small at 4 1/2 inches and suffer very bad premature ejaculation and although I have no problem getting direction first time it rarely happens a second.

My wife’s questions are these, firstly Has anyone entered into this kind of relationship and then decided it wasn’t for them and stopped. Having then experienced more satisfying sex what effect has it had When they’ve gone back to just there husband.
And the second is about size, we were both virgins when we met and obviously she’s never had anything bigger than me and she is concerned about her ability to take a big man which is my Preferred type of guy.

If you can help it would be greatly appreciated and hopefully put her mind at rest so maybe we will be able to move on.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum Nigel69.

[2inUPMichigan]

Hi
I hope you can help by answering a couple of questions mainly questions my wife has. To give you a little backstory we are both 50, married a long time and happy.
The fantasy of my wife sleeping with other men has been one that has been with me a long time. I told her a couple of years ago and originally it was A definite no. But she has recently agreed to at least consider it which has led us to talk and for her to have some concerns.
I personally I’m quite small at 4 1/2 inches and suffer very bad premature ejaculation and although I have no problem getting direction first time it rarely happens a second.

My wife’s questions are these, firstly Has anyone entered into this kind of relationship and then decided it wasn’t for them and stopped. Having then experienced more satisfying sex what effect has it had When they’ve gone back to just there husband.
And the second is about size, we were both virgins when we met and obviously she’s never had anything bigger than me and she is concerned about her ability to take a big man which is my Preferred type of guy.

If you can help it would be greatly appreciated and hopefully put her mind at rest so maybe we will be able to move on.

As for the size question there are two considerations, length and girth. Obviously regardless of your interest in the visual of a well endowed man I am sure you don't want your wife to be in any actual pain or have physical damage (tears).

Not all women are capable of taking the same size man just as not all men are the same size. Yes she will stretch but at this point she doesn't know what her limit is and that is where there concern comes from and that is completely understandable!

One thing you can do together is buy a couple toys, one the size that you would like to see her with and one between that size and your size. (And don't forget the lube!) That way the two of you can practice with the in between one then gradually see if she can comfortably take the bigger one. Use lots of lube and make sure she is very aroused for the bigger one!

Have fun with this

[Smokinhotwifelife]

Ladies,
My hot wife is somewhat conservative. She does enjoy an occasional fantasy discussion. It’s been about a year since she has involved a third party in any way but when she does she is so turned on by it. It seems there is a hurdle that she has to get over for her to feel free enough to express or act on it though. I remain patient and never pressure her and she knows I am turned on by it as well but is there any tips you can give that may help me encourage her over that hurdle?

[Farmgirl]

Ladies,
My hot wife is somewhat conservative. She does enjoy an occasional fantasy discussion. It’s been about a year since she has involved a third party in any way but when she does she is so turned on by it. It seems there is a hurdle that she has to get over for her to feel free enough to express or act on it though. I remain patient and never pressure her and she knows I am turned on by it as well but is there any tips you can give that may help me encourage her over that hurdle?

My advice would for her to join, get verified, and join us in the ladies lounge where she can ask questions.

[Hooker]

Stag, Hormones, y personal story, important events in my life brought me to where what I am. In my case I thoroughly enjoy being a HW and am very active at it. Hub enjoys it too, otherwise we would not be an item.

Therefore the lifestyle is the center of our relationship. It also makes it strong.

Nigel your questions or rather your wife's are quite run of the mill. Of course there will always be some that try this and quit. I wish them an easy in and out both individually and as a couple.

This all usually makes your relationship stronger, and means that there is no going back to your spouse, you actually never leave that part of it.

Taking a larger man? Ohhh please, whats the problem? Having said that dont go from 5 to 10 inches + in one step.

Finally yes have her verified, its going to give her access to what she seems to be looking for. She will find answers etc.

[wandererX]

I recently asked my wife to do a challenge where she details an old hookup that she really enjoyed while giving me a handjob. She thought that would be fun to do and was pretty nonchalant about it (I thought she'd be a little more reserved about it honestly). She said she would not like to have me do the same for her as her jealousy factor would be too high. We've talked briefly about having sex with others but, she wasn't sure that would be something she'd be willing to do because she's worried about my feelings. My question is, early on in the hotwife experience was there another challenge that really made you hot that was either a hotwife challenge or something your husband did as a challenge? I'm enjoying our experiences and having fun pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone and learning a lot about each other and ourselves however, we're not using hotwife terminology or anything like that.

Thank you!

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum wandererX,

[Playitover]

This topic has been discussed a couple times elsewhere but haven't seen much on a specific detail, plus I wanted to pose it to the HWs and not get a husband's perspective. My wife and I have been fantasizing and roleplaying for past 6 months or so and she is definitely up for more outside the fantasy realm. Our best opportunity to make this happen is when she travels for business. She always stays in a hotels with attached bars and is very outgoing and flirtatious so there is no problem striking up conversations with strangers. She always wears her wedding ring but so far it hasn't seemed to chase anyone away. So far she has had long and flirtatious conversations with 2 separate guys at a bar during two separate trips. Her challenge so far has been making the transition to the next step. I tell her it's as simple as telling him her room number as she leaves. But nerves are definitely in play. To complicate it a bit, a huge turnon for me and a huge part of our fantasy is for them to take some video and/or pics that she would show me later. Curious how some of you have been successful in a bar scenario with someone you don't know well, first making the move to get to the room, and second, how to introduce that she would like to take some pics or video (no face) without scaring the guy off or creating too much anxiety for her.

[Farmgirl]

This topic has been discussed a couple times elsewhere but haven't seen much on a specific detail, plus I wanted to pose it to the HWs and not get a husband's perspective. My wife and I have been fantasizing and roleplaying for past 6 months or so and she is definitely up for more outside the fantasy realm. Our best opportunity to make this happen is when she travels for business. She always stays in a hotels with attached bars and is very outgoing and flirtatious so there is no problem striking up conversations with strangers. She always wears her wedding ring but so far it hasn't seemed to chase anyone away. So far she has had long and flirtatious conversations with 2 separate guys at a bar during two separate trips. Her challenge so far has been making the transition to the next step. I tell her it's as simple as telling him her room number as she leaves. But nerves are definitely in play. To complicate it a bit, a huge turnon for me and a huge part of our fantasy is for them to take some video and/or pics that she would show me later. Curious how some of you have been successful in a bar scenario with someone you don't know well, first making the move to get to the room, and second, how to introduce that she would like to take some pics or video (no face) without scaring the guy off or creating too much anxiety for her.

If you want her do enjoy this, let her do it her way. Don't ask for pics or video until she has her feet on the ground. Let her move along as she feels so she gets comfortable. She can think about things you want later. Let this be about her and you will find it is more rewarding.

[wandererX]

Welcome to the forum wandererX,

Thank you.

[Playitover]

Thank you farmgirl. And very good point. I try not to put pressure on her for pics and vids but we see it as a fantasy that we both participate in and seeing in addition to her telling me what happened is a huge part of it.

We are both into me watching her with another guy as well but it's extremely difficult to schedule time for that. We think that would also be more difficult to find a "random" guy up for her husband watching and she isn't comfortable with an online setup as it needs to be more "organic."