Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[SFLCuriousCpl]

Thank you farmgirl. And very good point. I try not to put pressure on her for pics and vids but we see it as a fantasy that we both participate in and seeing in addition to her telling me what happened is a huge part of it.

That’s big for me too. I definitely want my wife to be completely comfortable but a part, a big part, of the reason I’m okay with her being with someone else is because it is us living out our fantasy together as a couple.

We’re still in Fantasyland so I can’t speak from experience but I’m not personally into being excluded.

[36DDwife]

Thank you farmgirl. And very good point. I try not to put pressure on her for pics and vids but we see it as a fantasy that we both participate in and seeing in addition to her telling me what happened is a huge part of it.

That’s big for me too. I definitely want my wife to be completely comfortable but a part, a big part, of the reason I’m okay with her being with someone else is because it is us living out our fantasy together as a couple.

We’re still in Fantasyland so I can’t speak from experience but I’m not personally into being excluded.

Agree with this 100%. I’ve said it to my wife numerous times...”together as a couple”

[Playitover]

Thanks for the responses so far. I completely understand both perspectives regarding pictures and video, especially the first time. I don't think it will be a deal breaker if she decides she's not comfortable with it. Just curious if some of the HWs here had experience with a bar pickup situation? If so, any pointers for her broaching the "want to go back to my room...btw my husband is aware but he would like us to take some video and pics." Seems silly I know, but I can definitely see how that would be an awkward conversation.

[Farmgirl]

Thank you farmgirl. And very good point. I try not to put pressure on her for pics and vids but we see it as a fantasy that we both participate in and seeing in addition to her telling me what happened is a huge part of it.

That’s big for me too. I definitely want my wife to be completely comfortable but a part, a big part, of the reason I’m okay with her being with someone else is because it is us living out our fantasy together as a couple.

We’re still in Fantasyland so I can’t speak from experience but I’m not personally into being excluded.

Agree with this 100%. I’ve said it to my wife numerous times...”together as a couple”

Let's keep in mind that this thread is not for men to make comments on. It is here for men to ask questions of VHWs. If your name isn't in bright blue, don't comment. It's a fairly easy concept to grasp, at least for women.

[SFLCuriousCpl]

Thank you farmgirl. And very good point. I try not to put pressure on her for pics and vids but we see it as a fantasy that we both participate in and seeing in addition to her telling me what happened is a huge part of it.

That’s big for me too. I definitely want my wife to be completely comfortable but a part, a big part, of the reason I’m okay with her being with someone else is because it is us living out our fantasy together as a couple.

We’re still in Fantasyland so I can’t speak from experience but I’m not personally into being excluded.

Agree with this 100%. I’ve said it to my wife numerous times...”together as a couple”

Let's keep in mind that this thread is not for men to make comments on. It is here for men to ask questions of VHWs. If your name isn't in bright blue, don't comment. It's a fairly easy concept to grasp, at least for women.

Yeah, I’m a little slow sometimes. Sorry, forgot which room I was in.

[mike4fun84]

I am new here and have not begun any non-monogamy play nor are we looking to yet, but much has happened over the past couple years and I would love to get some perspective from experienced hotwives. Here is a link to my post about it all:

viewtopic.php?p=1079007#p1079007

Thank you.

[marriedman50]

Let me start by saying what a great resource this is - I have read through all 51 pages and there's such a wealth of experience and inspiration here, it is really fantastic! Some of my questions have already been answered, but not all, so here goes.

My wife and I are in our early 50s, been together for 20 years and married for 10. Very happily married with three teenagers that keep us busy, and we really enjoy each others company as much as we did when we first met, though the sexual spark obviously has waned a bit over the years. Now I have always had fantasies about watching my partners (ex-gfs and my wife) having sex with someone else, but this was always something of a kinky fantasy as I was massively jealous in those days and would have been crushed by them actually having sex with another man. However, as our relationship has grown stronger over the years and since we've been married, those feelings of jealousy have gone, and I have increasingly felt I want to make those fantasies a reality. I have thought a lot about why I want to experience this, and come to realize it's a lot of things - the excitement for myself watching my wife being pleasured, the desire to give my wife the opportunity to relive the heady sensations of sex with a new and sexy guy, sharing the journey with her as she gets to flirt and have sex with other men and get to experience the feeling of being an attractive woman once more, above all it's my desire to give her pleasure and sexual freedom. An added factor is that I have developed a condition called Peyronie's which makes my penis curve quite sharply upwards and also causes ED, so it is not so easy for us to have normal penetrative intercourse any longer, and I don't want to deprive her of great sex just because I can no longer perform well in that area... Before I met my wife, I took part in a couple of MFM threesomes, and those were some of the most exciting experiences I've had (and the couples I played with felt the same), so I know just how magical it can be, but I have never told her about those times and feel it's a bit late to bring it up 20 years on...

My wife is not conservative, she had lots of boyfriends and partners before me but is quite conventional sexually, however when we first met she shared with me that she used to have a fantasy about being in a threesome with two men (but also that she'd have difficulty doing that with me as she would find it hard to let herself go and enjoy it with me present). So while I know there's a small part of her that is (or was) potentially interested, it's going to take a lot of time and encouragement to turn this fantasy into reality. Although we have a great relationship in other ways, we don't easily talk about sex, but this has changed in recent years as I started bringing toys into the bedroom. If I had asked her about that she would point blank have refused, but by surprising her with a vibrator and then a dildo she became quite interested and really enjoys when I buy her a new toy to play with. So much so that she wants to use a dildo every time we have sex - to my surprise she quite enjoys a massive black dildo that I got by mistake (knowing it was way too big) but she loves to hold her hand around it and rub it against her clit (though she doesn't like to use them for penetration). The toys have helped rekindle our sex life (or rather, her diminishing libido) and while we don't have sex quite so often as we used to it's always good. The dildo play has also made me bolder in talking to her about my fantasies, whereas before I sometimes hinted about having had dreams or fantasies about her having sex with another guy (which she dismissed, jokingly, as me being perverted) now I often ask her to imagine the dildo is that of another guy and have told her in the heat of passion that I want to see her have sex with another guy (to which she has mostly smiled but not reacted further). So I think I'm on the right track in planting the seed in her mind, but taking the next step is difficult. Part of the problem is that she has entered menopause, so while the physical issues can be dealt with (lube and lots of it), she just isn't that interested in sex anymore except when we're actually having it. So bringing the idea up outside of the bedroom is tricky - it's not like you suddenly blurt out while driving to the store, "honey I want you to have sex with other men".

Now, I know that she might never actually want to go any further and that might even be the most likely scenario, but I feel she's giving enough encouragement that I want to give it a try. I guess my question is whether I should keep pursuing this as bedroom talk or bring it up in the cold hard light of day? My worry is that if she really isn't into it she might lose some respect for me if I suggest this? How do I make her understand I want to do this because I love her so very much and not the other way round? And just to make things clear, I have zero interest in having sex with another woman; my wife is all I need but I want her to have this opportunity to live life to the fullest.

[Farmgirl]

Now, I know that she might never actually want to go any further and that might even be the most likely scenario, but I feel she's giving enough encouragement that I want to give it a try. I guess my question is whether I should keep pursuing this as bedroom talk or bring it up in the cold hard light of day? My worry is that if she really isn't into it she might lose some respect for me if I suggest this? How do I make her understand I want to do this because I love her so very much and not the other way round? And just to make things clear, I have zero interest in having sex with another woman; my wife is all I need but I want her to have this opportunity to live life to the fullest.

The menopause issues can almost always be addressed by a good doctor. If her present one doesn't want to help or doesn't know how, time to find a new one. There are good ones out there.
I'm a big believer in open , honest communication. If you can't talk to her, then it's time to work on that. Why do you think she would lose respect for you?
Is your trust in each other so bad that you can't talk about anything? It's pretty telling when you are afraid to talk to your own wife, the person you chose to spend your life with.
Those are the things to work on. And, yes, do it in the light of day. This isn't something to hide from each other, that just builds mistrust.

[marriedman50]

Now, I know that she might never actually want to go any further and that might even be the most likely scenario, but I feel she's giving enough encouragement that I want to give it a try. I guess my question is whether I should keep pursuing this as bedroom talk or bring it up in the cold hard light of day? My worry is that if she really isn't into it she might lose some respect for me if I suggest this? How do I make her understand I want to do this because I love her so very much and not the other way round? And just to make things clear, I have zero interest in having sex with another woman; my wife is all I need but I want her to have this opportunity to live life to the fullest.

The menopause issues can almost always be addressed by a good doctor. If her present one doesn't want to help or doesn't know how, time to find a new one. There are good ones out there.
I'm a big believer in open , honest communication. If you can't talk to her, then it's time to work on that. Why do you think she would lose respect for you?
Is your trust in each other so bad that you can't talk about anything? It's pretty telling when you are afraid to talk to your own wife, the person you chose to spend your life with.
Those are the things to work on. And, yes, do it in the light of day. This isn't something to hide from each other, that just builds mistrust.

Thank you for the reply! We have good communication about pretty much everything, but she is quite reluctant to talk about sex and her desires (basically she says she doesn't have any fantasies). She has become much more open though since we started playing with toys, that has definitely broadened her views and extended the boundaries, so I feel we are improving. Why do I fear she might lose respect? I think for a lot of men whose wives are more traditional or conservative in their sexuality, there is this worry that the wife would view any suggestion to open up the marriage to other men as dirty or disrespectful, sullying the romantic ideal of marital sex. Also, since a man is supposed to be possessive and protective of his wife, allowing other men to have sex with her could be seen as showing that he either doesn't really care for her (or else he would be too jealous), or he has no self-respect (and so this might lead the wife to lose respect for him too). I know there's an answer to all of these - that it's not about losing respect or love, but the opposite that you want your wife to have the best of both worlds, and that there is a distinction between marital sex and sex for pleasure alone, but it's still a mental barrier to cross. If as a woman you're normally quite at ease talking about your sexual needs and desires, then a husband raising this idea might not be such a shock, but for a woman who is more reserved about such talk bringing it up in a normal conversation - as in outside the bedroom - will always be a bit of a shock I would think? But I do take your point about communication being key, and I am working on it. I guess like so many others I wonder how someone like my wife goes from being quite traditional in her views about sex to being open to a hotwife lifestyle, and what is the best way to help guide her there - with the full knowledge she might never get there?

[samsh90346]

A few of us Verified Hotwives have decided it might be fun to start a thread where the boys can ask us what's on their minds. The rules may change Here are a few of the rules.
1. No "Does size matter?" questions.(Do a search, there is 300 threads on the subject and that's in the last 3 pages )
2. Only VHW's can answer.
3. Try not to ask the same question twice.
4. Don't be a jerk.

If you want to PM your question to me that is fine.

I want to ask that do all these things really exist? I have this fantasy for 6 years but still think that it is only a fantasy, and in reality it do not exist. Moreover, how do cuckold couple maintain their secrecy, like when wife fucks bull, then definitely the neighbors and relatives may know what all is happening. And also when hubby watches, then the bull knows that the particular person is cuckold. And we all know that we have our public life, so how does all it happens?

Also I know that many men do have such fantasy, as is evident from different blogs and websites, but do women also enjoy such things like cheating with husband, making husband watch, making husband eat cum etc. etc.?

[Farmgirl]

Now, I know that she might never actually want to go any further and that might even be the most likely scenario, but I feel she's giving enough encouragement that I want to give it a try. I guess my question is whether I should keep pursuing this as bedroom talk or bring it up in the cold hard light of day? My worry is that if she really isn't into it she might lose some respect for me if I suggest this? How do I make her understand I want to do this because I love her so very much and not the other way round? And just to make things clear, I have zero interest in having sex with another woman; my wife is all I need but I want her to have this opportunity to live life to the fullest.

The menopause issues can almost always be addressed by a good doctor. If her present one doesn't want to help or doesn't know how, time to find a new one. There are good ones out there.
I'm a big believer in open , honest communication. If you can't talk to her, then it's time to work on that. Why do you think she would lose respect for you?
Is your trust in each other so bad that you can't talk about anything? It's pretty telling when you are afraid to talk to your own wife, the person you chose to spend your life with.
Those are the things to work on. And, yes, do it in the light of day. This isn't something to hide from each other, that just builds mistrust.

Thank you for the reply! We have good communication about pretty much everything, but she is quite reluctant to talk about sex and her desires (basically she says she doesn't have any fantasies). She has become much more open though since we started playing with toys, that has definitely broadened her views and extended the boundaries, so I feel we are improving. Why do I fear she might lose respect? I think for a lot of men whose wives are more traditional or conservative in their sexuality, there is this worry that the wife would view any suggestion to open up the marriage to other men as dirty or disrespectful, sullying the romantic ideal of marital sex. Also, since a man is supposed to be possessive and protective of his wife, allowing other men to have sex with her could be seen as showing that he either doesn't really care for her (or else he would be too jealous), or he has no self-respect (and so this might lead the wife to lose respect for him too). I know there's an answer to all of these - that it's not about losing respect or love, but the opposite that you want your wife to have the best of both worlds, and that there is a distinction between marital sex and sex for pleasure alone, but it's still a mental barrier to cross. If as a woman you're normally quite at ease talking about your sexual needs and desires, then a husband raising this idea might not be such a shock, but for a woman who is more reserved about such talk bringing it up in a normal conversation - as in outside the bedroom - will always be a bit of a shock I would think? But I do take your point about communication being key, and I am working on it. I guess like so many others I wonder how someone like my wife goes from being quite traditional in her views about sex to being open to a hotwife lifestyle, and what is the best way to help guide her there - with the full knowledge she might never get there?

A very many women don't have fantasies. I don't . Why would you not believe her?
You're right about it being a mental barrier but, it more of a male mental barrier. Generally when we wives feel we can really trust you then we can be all in. But the husbands are a different story. When it happens for real many flip flop and blame the wife. That is what holds many wives back. The lack of real trust in the marriage. Lack of proper communication is a first clue to that. We wives know that and recognize it.
Learn to openly and honestly communicate, it builds the real trust and intimacy needed by her so she begins to feel comfortable in thinking about the lifestyle.
I'm not picking on you or being judgemental but, I do want you to look at through a woman's eyes.

[marriedman50]

Farmgirl, so are you saying that her reluctance to talk about sex is because she doesn't feel trust in the marriage? Or do just mean trust in opening up about her sexual desires? We have a very good relationship in every other way, and no problems communicating, but I do see your point about making her feel comfortable opening up to me.

[2inUPMichigan]

A few of us Verified Hotwives have decided it might be fun to start a thread where the boys can ask us what's on their minds. The rules may change Here are a few of the rules.
1. No "Does size matter?" questions.(Do a search, there is 300 threads on the subject and that's in the last 3 pages )
2. Only VHW's can answer.
3. Try not to ask the same question twice.
4. Don't be a jerk.

If you want to PM your question to me that is fine.

I want to ask that do all these things really exist? I have this fantasy for 6 years but still think that it is only a fantasy, and in reality it do not exist. Moreover, how do cuckold couple maintain their secrecy, like when wife fucks bull, then definitely the neighbors and relatives may know what all is happening. And also when hubby watches, then the bull knows that the particular person is cuckold. And we all know that we have our public life, so how does all it happens?

Also I know that many men do have such fantasy, as is evident from different blogs and websites, but do women also enjoy such things like cheating with husband, making husband watch, making husband eat cum etc. etc.?

Welcome to OHW!

You asked if people live this way outside of their fantasy and the answer is yes! Not everyone who is a member of this site is actively living this outside their bedroom but there are a lot of us that are.

I am very careful of our privacy. I have talked to my sister and one friend but other than that no one else who knows us is aware of what is going on. Our home is a no play zone so all my play dates are at local hotels.

I make it very clear to the men that I meet that I am married and my marriage is my priority. I do not cheat on my husband. He always knows about any plans that I am making for play dates. My hubby is not a cuck and he does not participate in the play dates. I do prefer men that are long term friends with benefits (FWB) and am not attracted to the "bull" dynamic.

You will find a wide range of ideas as you read the various threads on this site. The important take away is for the two of you to make the best decisions for you. Each of us needs to do this the way that works for us, there is no "one size fits all".

Do real people live this lifestyle? Yes (I do)

[hwfanatic]

Apologies, I'm unclear as to how to pose a question to VHWs and whether my question was asked in the prior 50+ pages...

I find it to think about a buttplug in my HW-in-spirit only, but beyond my perversion, I'm ignorant as to why a woman uses them -- what are the most common purposes and benefits for her?

Is it simply to feel limited anal penetration while in the bedroom? To help stretch gently so she can more easily accept other objects (a finger or two, or a cock), or simply a submissive control toy in or outside the bedroom?

Do you enjoy these and, if so, in what situations? Do you ever wear them for several hours while out and about?

Thanks in advance.

[Farmgirl]

Farmgirl, so are you saying that her reluctance to talk about sex is because she doesn't feel trust in the marriage? Or do just mean trust in opening up about her sexual desires? We have a very good relationship in every other way, and no problems communicating, but I do see your point about making her feel comfortable opening up to me.

"My worry is that if she really isn't into it she might lose some respect for me if I suggest this? " This is from your first post.
That statement alone says that you don't have the level of trust in your marriage that is needed. And, your communication isn't what it needs to be.
Real trust is needed for both of you. If you don't have it then she will know that and she won't have it either.
I'm not talking about the kind of trust that every couple says they have, that's not real trust. With real trust you will each feel and know that you can discuss anything together, no reservations, no holding back, no fear of rejection.

[marriedman50]

Farmgirl, so are you saying that her reluctance to talk about sex is because she doesn't feel trust in the marriage? Or do just mean trust in opening up about her sexual desires? We have a very good relationship in every other way, and no problems communicating, but I do see your point about making her feel comfortable opening up to me.

"My worry is that if she really isn't into it she might lose some respect for me if I suggest this? " This is from your first post.
That statement alone says that you don't have the level of trust in your marriage that is needed. And, your communication isn't what it needs to be.
Real trust is needed for both of you. If you don't have it then she will know that and she won't have it either.
I'm not talking about the kind of trust that every couple says they have, that's not real trust. With real trust you will each feel and know that you can discuss anything together, no reservations, no holding back, no fear of rejection.

Ok I get what you're saying. I know we need to work on the communication, but hadn't thought about it along those lines. Food for thought.

[Curtmcgurt37]

Can someone please help, preferably verified hotwives who have been through the worst of experiences. Wife and I are currently separated trying to work things out she's very depressed has no one to talk to being that this is such a taboo subject, anybody willing to listen please reply I will give you her phone number and maybe you guys can talk it would be greatly appreciated thank you so much.

[2inUPMichigan]

Can someone please help, preferably verified hotwives who have been through the worst of experiences. Wife and I are currently separated trying to work things out she's very depressed has no one to talk to being that this is such a taboo subject, anybody willing to listen please reply I will give you her phone number and maybe you guys can talk it would be greatly appreciated thank you so much.

Would she consider signing up and getting verified?
That way she would have access to the hidden hotwife only forum where she could ask for advice and get in contact with VHW'S.

I have messaged back and forth with numerous members that wanted to ask questions privately, but I would not feel comfortable giving out my phone number.

Sorry that both of you are going through this difficult time.

[Poojas]

My wife just turned a hotwife this week. Her bull, our neighbor is better than me in almost all aspects. He of course has a 9 inch cock and mine is 4.5 when erect.

My wife and I have a very loving relationship. She is too shy to admit that she enjoys sex much more with the bull. What are some tips to make her more forthright in expressing her true feelings to me? I tell her how much I enjoy hearing about her sexy times with our neighbor. Should I do anything else?

[Trixkat]

I don't understand how or why there are posts from another thread on this thread

[2inUPMichigan]

This is a general reminder that the "Ask a Hotwife Thread" is for members to ask questions that they want a VHW to answer. All other replies will now be deleted as members can get advice in other parts of the forum if needed.

If you are responding to a comment that a VHW made directly in response to your question please quote it so that it doesn't get deleted accidentally.

Thank you for understanding

[aces155]

I'm single, used to be in a hotwife relationship, but now looking for a new partner. My question to hotwives is: when should I tell a woman of my hotwife fantasies? I want to be honest, but don't want to scare anyone off too soon

[Liese]

I'm single, used to be in a hotwife relationship, but now looking for a new partner. My question to hotwives is: when should I tell a woman of my hotwife fantasies? I want to be honest, but don't want to scare anyone off too soon

Aces, I think it's important to role out one's kinks early, but not too early. You do not want to end up in a committed relationship before you share them, for sure. But it's sure not 1st, or usually even 2nd date material.

My thought is that it's important to demonstrate that you're good at one on one sex, and real basic relationship stuff first. Once you've established some general compatibility in those areas, then I think it's a great time to start opening up to each other about your special kinks and interests, and see how that goes. You may quickly discover that you're not compatible, and then it's time to go your separate ways. Or you may discover you both hit the lottery in that you both have some sexual desires you are willing to explore together.

So: after 4 or 5 (or more) encounters that leave you thinking "hmmm . . . this is all right, I'd like to continue this, and go forward", I'd say it's time to lay your cards down, the both of you. to see if there's a future.

That's my opinion, and it's worth what you paid for it.

Liese

[Whosbeensleeping]

Liese, you rock! Just sayin.

[ckathrill]

I would like to know from the VHWs how many started on this lifestyle because their man had any degree of ED? And in these cases, who brought up the subject you or him?